American Housewife (2016) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Snowstorm

1 We leave first thing in the morning, be at Ed's cabin by noon, and immediately start chopping wood for the fire.
I'm bringing my axe.
Good.
Now I won't have to find a sharp rock to kill myself with.
Don't be negative, Oliver.
Us living off the land, no electricity.
It'll be fun, Dad.
It'll just be like when you broke gender barriers to be the first male Den Mother.
Remember how I turned my skirt into capris? It was pretty awesome.
I was a real trailblazer.
They called me a modern-day FDR.
You mean you called yourself that, and no one stopped you.
Fair enough.
Don't most people go camping in the summer? Yeah, but Ed makes you pay for the cabin in the summer.
But this is gonna be great.
Anna-Kat's finally old enough to camp with us, and you might just like it.
It's not too late to follow in the Otto family tradition.
Some families are soldiers, some cops.
We're scouts.
Eagle Scouts.
Well, I've been dying to wear a red kerchief around my neck and have no friends.
Son, men have died for the right to wear that kerchief.
No, they haven't.
I don't have time for off-season family bonding.
I have a business to run.
Your mom and I don't like you selling knockoff polo shirts to kids in Norwalk.
They're not knockoffs.
They're shirts with defective logos that I improve and re-sell.
Isn't that the exact definition of knockoff? I'm providing a service.
Those Norwalk kids are just happy they can get an expensive shirt for 40 bucks so they can have a fancy night out at Dairy Queen.
I brought you pillows.
[Mexican accent] We don't need no stinkin' pillows! [Normal voice] We'll make our own.
Pine needles in a sweatshirt.
That sounds so fun.
Ugh! I wish I could go.
But Angela needs me.
It's the one-year anniversary of her breakup with Celeste.
I totally get it.
You need to be there for your friend.
But I hate the thought of you guys being on an adventure without me.
Hey.
Can I bring my new fish? Uh, I don't think camping will be good for it.
Yeah, it will die in two days instead of its normal life span of four days.
- Oliver.
- I'm not the one who bought a death-obsessed 7-year-old a pet with a high mortality rate.
He's got a good point.
You know, I'm going to go to Second Breakfast and try to get out of it.
I really want to come with you guys.
He actually thinks that I want to go.
Am I that good, or is he that dumb? Should I feel bad that I don't feel bad about blowing off the family camping trip? No.
You'd hate it, complain the whole time, and ruin it for Greg.
Besides, your whole life is camping.
You have suffered enough.
Your stove only has four burners, there's weird pockets of sand everywhere in your house, and no one can drop one in your downstairs bathroom.
Get that fixed.
It's awkward.
When I go upstairs, everyone knows what I'm doing.
I love you guys.
You always make me feel so right about doing the wrong thing.
You shouldn't be expected to share all of your husband's interests.
I know.
I got pregnant with Anna-Kat specifically to avoid Greg's camping trips.
It bought me six years.
But this year, Angela's divorce got you out of it, and I booked us a three-bedroom suite at the Velvet Zen Spa.
[Sighs] Thank you so much for cheating on your wife and ruining your marriage.
It was a pleasure.
It really was.
I wish I could go up with you guys tonight, but the least I can do is help them get out the door tomorrow morning.
Where are we going? [Laughs] - Ooh.
- That chair's for our purses.
You're so funny.
Hey, guess what happened to me yesterday.
I was getting my lashes put on, and Alan bursts in the room with a bouquet of peonies for no reason other than that he loves me.
[Chuckles] Hashtag "Lucky.
" Hashtag "How long are you staying?" Well, now that I've spent Thanksgiving and Christmas at Katie's, I thought maybe I could join your little Second Breakfast Club.
Wow.
Well, you don't eat first breakfast, so You see how that wouldn't work? - Yeah.
- Yeah.
Hazing.
You guys are all hazing me before you let me in.
- I love it.
- She loves it.
Ooh, that's a lot of carbs.
Bye! Oh, my God, she is unbelievable.
I know.
I can't stand how fake she is.
Right.
Now you go home and mislead the ones you love.
You would think that would make me feel guilty, but I flipped off that switch years ago.
[Chuckles] Let's get you guys on the road.
- You owe me money.
- Luz, I'm not exactly liquid right now.
I took our profits and re-invested in more shirts.
You didn't ask me.
Luz, as soon as I get back into town, I promise You're skipping town on me? No, I'm going camping.
- You're going camping? - I am.
Mom, tell her I'm going camping.
No, this isn't too much wine.
We're not going camping.
- Knew it.
- What? Viv: Luz, do you think we should get a cat? I'm kind of wanting one again.
Coming, Miss Viv! I want my money.
[Beeping] Luz! Why would you say that? Because we're not going camping.
It snowed all night, and I checked online, all the roads are closed.
No! It was supposed to be a dusting.
They said it was a dusting.
I was really looking forward to this.
And this is the only weekend that we could get Ed's cabin.
We were gonna ice fish for hours and catch nothing but memories.
- Damn.
- I know.
[Dramatic chord plays] - The power's out.
- You got to be kidding me! Wait.
This is great.
It is? You know what? One of us has been using the word "great" wrong our whole life.
No, don't you see? We can do our camping trip right here in our living room.
It's just like Ed's cabin, but instead of having a dead moose head on the wall, we got Mom! It's all coming together.
Everybody wins.
Katie: [Sighs] Kill me.
Okay, let's move the couches so I can create a base camp.
It was supposed to be a dusting.
[Sighs] Katie: We've got three feet of snow.
I'm stuck here, and Greg is forcing me to make memories I don't want to make.
Well, if it helps you feel better, we're snowed in here, too.
You're snowed in getting massages.
Oh, yeah.
Right there.
Is that champagne? This is the meanest FaceTime ever.
[Knock on door] Greg: Hey, Katie, come on.
I'm teaching the kids how to make lanterns out of water jugs.
Coming, honey.
So excited.
If I'm dead tomorrow, Greg did it.
But I drove him to it.
You don't know when our house is going to get its power back? That's not an acceptable answer.
No, I don't want to talk to your supervisor.
I want to talk to the guy below you who's about to get your job.
[Beep] My fish is cold.
Don't worry, sweetie.
I'm starting a fire utilizing nothing but steel wool, a nine-volt battery, and a small pile of cheese puffs.
Why don't you just use one of those long matches? 'Cause you married an Eagle Scout, baby.
Come be amazed.
That's fantastic.
Hope the power never comes back on.
[Chuckles] Why are Viv's lights on? She clearly has a generator.
The lesson here is marry money, people.
That is not the lesson, people.
We actually have it better than she does.
She's not learning how to start a fire or build a shelter or make her urine more drinkable.
Now, who wants to tie some knots? Did he just say we're drinking our own urine? My fish is starting to shiver.
I have an idea.
I'll take the fish over to Viv's immediately.
This is great.
I get to be a hero and blow off my family.
[Knock on door] Katie, what brings you here? The power's out, and I just wanted to make sure you're okay.
I didn't even realize.
You brought a gift.
No, this is actually my daughter's fish.
I don't want it to freeze.
Oh, come in.
Shoes.
[Gasps] Are your floors heated? Of course they're heated.
They're floors.
Come on.
Come in.
Have a seat.
Luz, bring us some hot cider! Being with someone I can't stand in order to stay warm and well fed? These are my survival skills.
And I'm not afraid of cookies, Luz! Here.
It must be so cold out there.
Ahh.
[Gasps] This is so soft.
Is this made of puppy? [Laughs] You.
There's my special girl.
Oh, my God.
These are so good.
- They are? - Mm-hmm.
I don't eat them.
I just like the smell.
Mm-hmm.
[Ringtone plays] Luz, yo holo teléfono.
I don't really speak Spanish.
Bring me my money, Oliver.
Oh, God.
I just remembered I have a family.
I have to go back home.
Are you sure? Give me one reason to stay here, and I'll turn right back around.
Is that a reference thing? Is that Jay-Z? Usually when I don't get things, it's Jay-Z.
Goodbye, Viv.
[Sighs] Viv's going to keep Anna-Kat's fish safe.
Well, took a whole bag of cheese puffs, but I got the fire started.
Who knew that the kids' favorite snack was combustible? Very.
Okay, troops, let's start making a shelter out of available materials.
We'll need the hat rack, some chip clips, and take the shoelaces out of your shoes.
Here's a great idea for a shelter.
How about this house that already covers us? Hey, where are you going? Upstairs to use the bathroom.
There's no upstairs in camping.
We'll have to dig a latrine in the snow.
I can teach you how to make a shovel out of a dust pan and a curtain rod.
I love it all.
I'm supposed to be at a spa with my friends, not in a sandy, poopless house.
I'm not a happy camper.
Ah, would you look at that.
I forgot the fish food.
Be right back.
Damn it, that's a fine woman.
Oh.
I'm so glad you came back.
I just wanted to hang out with you and your stuff.
So, where's your husband? Where are your step-sons? Oh, they've been fishing in the Bahamas all week.
Boys trip.
But I thought you said Alan brought you flowers yesterday.
Right.
I did say that.
Mm-hmm.
Okay.
- Can I ask you a question? - Of course.
- Don't take this the wrong way.
- I won't.
But why are you such a liar? - [Chuckling] You.
- Stop it with the "you.
" I'm asking you an actual question, and don't say that you love it.
I just wanted to be one of the girls, I guess.
You can't be part of our group unless you're open and real.
Girl, you so crazy.
Like that? Here's the rule of Second Breakfast.
We tell the truth about our lives.
The worse the story, the louder you tell it.
If you find a gray hair down there, you better take a picture and pass it on.
Lasered.
I'm like a seal down there.
A lot of people would think that that is too much information, but not us.
We're brutally honest with each other.
- I love it.
- No, you don't love it.
- We just talked about that.
- Right, right.
I think I can do this.
Just just give me another chance, okay? - Fine.
I will.
- Okay.
What do you think about that? I like it.
But deep down, I love it! Oh! Luz! Bring us champagne in the living room! Can't we just bring it ourselves? No.
She likes doing it.
Okay, high grades for improvisation.
Low marks for over-reliance on mops.
Now, what kind of knot do we use to secure the Swiffers to the frame? - Power cinch.
- Right.
Oliver, you haven't answered a single question.
How about I ask one? Why do we own three Swiffers? Because your mom can never find the mopping-cloth refills, so she keeps buying new ones.
Anyway, I'd like it if you joined us.
- [Cellphone chimes] - This is business.
I have more pressing things to do.
Hey.
Camping no electronics.
Fine.
Then I'm going across the street to talk to Luz.
Make sure my fish is okay.
She's all I have.
You have parents, two siblings, and a room full of ponies.
Eh.
So I went with this sort of dark brocade because I thought it would be easier for Luz to care for, - and it is.
- Mm-hmm.
But every time I look at that chair, I think back to that pale blue Belgian silk I should have chosen.
[Sighs] So that's it? That's your biggest regret? How you upholstered a chaise in your guest room? Am I in? Viv, sorry.
Just not happening.
No, no, no.
I can do better.
Fine.
Then I'm gonna need more champagne and more cookies.
And by any chance, do you have a downstairs bathroom with reliable plumbing? Six of them.
[Sighs] [Knock on door] You have my money? Luz, coming in caliente.
You don't have my money.
Like I told you, I re-invested our profits.
I bought more shirts for you to fix and for me to sell.
I don't want to fix more shirts.
I'm done living here.
I'm saving up to go home.
Aren't you home here? You stupid Westport boy.
My real home El Salvador.
I miss my family.
But you can't leave.
We've got a good thing going.
I have a 7-year-old granddaughter I've never met.
I have a 7-year-old sister.
You're not missing much.
Mom? Oliver? What are you doing here? You're supposed to be house-camping with Dad.
I could say the same about you.
Is that champagne? Oh.
You forgot how a mother-son relationship works.
I don't answer to you, so you turn your little ass around and go home.
[Door opens, closes] Viv: Luz, what's my biggest regret? Hey, we're whittling.
Hey, I didn't ask.
I've had enough of you today.
Is it so hard for you to join in and act like part of this family? I'm just not interested in camping.
Yeah, but I'm interested.
And your sisters are interested.
And your mom's interested.
And, to be honest, I don't care if you're not interested.
Sometimes you do things for other people.
If Mom's so interested, how come she's hiding out across the street drinking champagne with Viv? There's no way.
You could be right.
I suppose it might have been a nice Prosecco.
Does losing a favorite shoe on the ferry to Nantucket count as a regret? Keep thinking, Viv.
- Ah.
- Oh, my God whole cashews! This is some life.
Greg: Is it? Greg? Couch kind of just swallows you up.
No, don't get up.
I don't want you to do anything you don't want to do.
Really? Feels like a trap.
I'm across the street with our kids trying to make the best of a bad situation, thinking how great it is that you're on my side.
But, evidently, camping with me is worse than hanging out with someone you can't stand.
You can't stand me? To be fair, I've been pretty clear about that.
Huh.
So are you gonna head home? I'm gonna let him cool down.
It's really not my fault.
I cannot be expected to share his same interests, right? Oh, I've been there.
- My first husband - Wait.
You were married before? Yeah, for like five years.
And it never crossed your mind to share that? Interested piqued.
Proceed.
Well, I just I really don't like to talk about it.
It was back when I was still heavy.
I mean, not as heavy as you, of course.
Of course.
We lived in this little house upstate.
I mean, not as small as yours, of course.
Don't feel the need to include me in your story.
And he was super into model trains.
He kept them in the garage, you know, on of those big pieces of plywood.
With the green fake grass and the tiny little trees? - Yeah, that's the kind.
- Yeah.
So he would invite me out to see his latest tiny turn-of-the-century town and expect me to be excited and operate the switch track, and he just didn't get that his thing really wasn't my thing.
So you get where I'm coming from with this whole camping thing.
- 100%.
- Viv, look at you! This is Second Breakfast talk.
You're doing it! I'm being completely honest! [Both laugh] So then, he moved the trains into the kitchen.
- No.
- Yeah.
He saw it at Swensons and thought it looked cool.
No wonder you left.
Well, that's the thing.
I didn't leave, and he really didn't leave me.
We just sort of drifted apart and each did our own thing.
If I had just shown an interest in those stupid trains and it's not really even the trains, it's any of it the Yankees or going clamming.
- Mm.
Mm.
- Or swing dancing.
If I had just shown a glimmer of interest in any of those things, it would have meant the world to him.
- One question.
- Hm? Did the track go around the top of the kitchen? Yeah.
That's how I was picturing it.
Now I'm in this huge house with more than I could ever need, in flawless shape, wishing I was back there in that crappy house, with my sweet husband and his stupid trains.
Damn.
Viv.
It just got real.
Now I'm with a guy who doesn't care if I'm involved in his life or not.
I got to stop being such a bitch.
And go home to my crappy house, my sweet husband, and his stupid camping.
Yeah, you do.
[Dramatic music plays] [Sighs] [Laughs] [Music stops] [Laughter] Greg: It's not that funny.
I brought wood.
Where'd you get it? I looted it.
Looting is legal in time of crisis.
Oh, it's so nice in there.
Look at that.
See? Good thing I bought all those Swiffers.
What happened to your hand? Ah, whittling accident.
Happens.
We bandaged it with tree sap and a maxi-pad, the nighttime kind.
That is amazing.
You know, you don't have to be here.
No.
I do.
We got married to be together and to do stuff.
And there's good stuff and there's crappy stuff, like this.
But we're partners.
And you can't do what's best for you and screw over your partner.
The fact that Viv is the one that made me realize that is really freaking me out.
So, do you accept my apology? No.
What do you mean, "No"? You have to earn your keep around here.
Okay.
Great.
Perfect.
What can I do? We still need the snow latrine.
Yes.
Yes, we do.
I'm on it.
How deep? If you have to ask, "How deep?" you haven't gone deep enough.
[Sighs] [Door opens, closes] [Sighs] Where's my money? - Right here.
- What is this? This is all my savings.
I want you to have it.
So you can go back to Guatemala.
- El Salvador.
- El Salvador.
Why are you doing this for me? We're partners.
You don't screw over your partner.
You stupid Westport boy.
I'll miss you, Luz.
I wish I could say the same.
I'm also gonna miss that.
Look who helped me dig a toilet in the cold, hard earth with a plastic dustpan.
And I brought the fish back.
Oh, power's on.
[Groaning] Mind if I join you guys? Whatever happened to this not being your thing? I'm really sorry.
I was being selfish, and whatever Mom said when she screwed up, can I just piggyback on that? Smart.
That was good stuff.
Taco in a bag? What? No.
Ew.
[Laughter] Sorry I made you dig a fake latrine.
Sorry I actually used it and the neighbors saw me.
[Laughs] [Cellphone chimes] - Oh, Viv sent you a text.
- Oh, what does it say? It's a picture.
Why would she send you that? She wasn't lying.
Smooth as a seal.
Okay.