Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s01e02 Episode Script
Last Year You Weren't 40
1 ['80s Dance Music.]
What is this store? Oh, this is, uh, Forever 81.
All the jeans are from 1981.
So we've got Jordache, Sergio Valente, GWG, Roadrunner.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Decent.
Can I try these on? For sure, the uh, change area's right over there.
[Groaning.]
Okay, it's happening.
It's happening, it's happening! Oh my God, I did it! This is like the longest zipper in the world.
Me and my friends will spike the punch, Lovin' ourselves and causing fun Yeah, Hey Hey There's no clouds, there's just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah.
Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater [Alert Chiming.]
Oooh! Looks like a member of our fitness family just had a birthday! Oh, yeah, thank you.
Um, just, the bell didn't go off last year.
Oh, last year you weren't forty! - Come with me.
-Okay.
[Upbeat Ambling Tune.]
Over our 15 years as a fitness hut we've found something special happens to women at forty.
Okay.
Um, it's just that this is a change room Desk Worker: Yes.
Oh, no no.
Not here.
Here.
[Heavenly Harp Music.]
Kelsey: Okay, it's just Wow.
I'm not comfortable with that much nudity, so Ooh, aren't you? [Gasps.]
Oh.
I am.
I am, I'm but how? Welcome to your forties, Kelsey.
Welcome to not giving a shit at the gym.
Kelsey: Oh.
Okay.
Woman: You're one of us now, Kelsey.
You own this room.
You can hang out here naked all day.
Kelsey: Oh my god.
I never felt like so entitled to a space! And it only gets better from here.
Like in five years, you'll be giving unsolicited life advice to perfect strangers.
Hey, you know what they say about shaving your bikini line and then having the hair grow back stronger? It's true.
Woman 2: And the mental space that's freed up by not giving a shit, it's delicious.
Ouch.
Ah.
Ah, ooh.
Oh, no no.
Modesty is for them.
You're in a better space now.
Kelsey: Okay.
[Soaring Triumphant Music.]
[Music Soars.]
[Slow Clap.]
Alright, now who wants to go to the sauna and scare the shit out of the twenty somethings? Yeah! Doctor: Okay, so what we're seeing here is that your foot pronates left and it's placing undue pressure on your tarsal and navicular bones, and that's what's causing the pain in your foot.
[Clears Throat.]
Is it serious, that? I'd say so, yes.
Okay.
So, do I need to do something, like surgery? Do I need that? Maybe.
It's a big decision.
Yes.
It is.
So, what would you advise me to do? Do you want to tell me, doctor? Well, it's tough to say.
There's pros, there's cons Yeah, okay, so what if I was a member of your family? What if I was your daughter, or if I was your sister, what would you-what would you tell me to do? Well, if you were my sister, I would tell you to go to hell.
We haven't spoken in three years.
Okay, that's weird.
Um, what if I was your daughter? You would If you were my daughter, um, I would say it's in your best interest to start, um, dressing your age and stay out of the sun because you're starting to look like a middle-aged woman.
Okay, um, yeah, I'm gonna get a second opinion.
Doctor: On what I'd say to my daughter? Because that's not gonna change.
No, my foot? Good.
Because I stand by what I'd say to my daughter.
Okay, great, I'm gonna go now.
Okay, no, you're gonna stay right here, because while you're under my roof, you will live under my rules.
Don't talk to me that way! You will do as I say! You're not my father! Get to your room! I hate you! Good! Kids.
Hey! What are you doing? That is not how you cross the street! Where is your phone? Yes, pull that out.
That's right.
We need these on.
'Kay, eyes on your phone.
There you go.
Keep your eyes on that phone.
[Screeching & Honking Horns.]
This is all about you! This is your time! Hi, Sammy.
Sammy: Oh, hi Joan.
Hi, could you bring up the TMS report for me, please.
Sammy: Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Joan: Okay, thank you.
Sure.
Just, uh, just got it right under here.
Here we go.
Oh, okay, got another one here.
There we go.
Oh, okay.
That.
Oh.
Okay.
Sorry.
- That's cute.
- Sorry.
Yeah, got it.
Joan: Oh, another one.
-Uh 'Kay.
Joan: Uh yes.
Sammy: Calico.
It's a cat, I know.
Where are ya.
TMS report.
Just that the meeting's in about five minutes, so Sammy: Oh, there.
Oh, no.
Sorry.
Let's see if this is the report here.
Oh.
No.
Okay There, uh, there we go.
Oh, this one was my wallpaokay, hold on.
Oh that's good.
That's a good one.
Woman: And then she said to me, "Not in the store, ma'am.
" And I was all like, "Ma'am, who? "Who're you calling ma'am?" I'm so sorry! Oh my gosh, I'm just so sorry.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry I'm late, you guys.
But I have had quite the morning.
You know, the kids The kids were just like blu-blu-blu-blu- blu-blu-blu-blu and then John gets all like blah-blah-blah-blah-blah and I'm like bluuuieee, you know? You know? And I have barely had time to breathe.
Let alone shower.
I must look terrible.
Oh, your hair looks amazing.
Oh my gosh, thank you.
Thank you! Thank you, I'm gonna tell you something.
It's a tiny little secret.
It's called dry shampoo.
I just spray that in there.
Sh-sh-sh when I don't have time for myself.
That's what I do.
Woman: And then I said to him, "Maybe that came out of you.
" "You don't know.
" Woman 2: Oh my god oh my god.
I just walked in on John sleeping with the kids' swimming instructor and they were really going for it.
John was just like aaaoooow wowww and she was like ouah uh uh uh and the kids were like uh? oh.
Anyway, it's fine.
I'm here now.
Oh my god, sweetheart, I am so sorry.
I know that happened.
I mean, at least your hair still looks great.
Thank you! I have to tell you, this dry shampoo, it's a real lifesaver.
I am getting a divorce.
Oh.
Woman 2: But, phbblblht, whatever.
Check out that volume.
Woman 3: I could feel my mother's presence in the room, you know, I could feel it.
And then I heard her distinctly say Woman 2: I'm sorry! Ha ha hi, yi, hi, hi, I'm sorry.
John's lawyer was being very like mwaw waww wup wup and then of course John was all like meww weuw wew wew.
You know, I'm so tired.
I haven't had a minute to myself! I haven't had that minute! Woman 3: Well, um, at least your hair still looks great? Woman 2: Thank you, thank you, thank you 'cause I am loviiiiing ingingingingiiing this dry shampoo.
I'm loving it so much.
It's like I'm always fresh.
I never have to shower.
Woman: And if I followed him into the forest, I'd learn how to cook.
Woman 2: Sorry.
Hello, oh hello.
Hello there.
And I'm so sorry that I am late.
I just decided to go on a little wilderness hike.
I wanted to forget about the marriage stuff, you know.
And I ran into this bear that was like raaaaauuuuuaaghr and then I was like auwwk! Yeah, so I just like killed it! Killed it, I killed it, I killed it, and then I ate it.
And then I lived inside it for a week and I had these amazing visions of nature that was like whaaaaat whaaaat is imporrrrrtaant what is really imporrrrtaant and I came to some amazing conclusions.
Yeah? Yeah? Can I just set that there.
I'm gonna wanna have a little bit a [Phone Buzzes.]
Oh, my phone.
That's my phone.
Ding-dong, it's John.
What does he want? Took the kids.
Took the kids, that's fine.
That's fine.
You wanna know why it's fine? Because of my god damn hair.
It looks amazing! Dry shampoo, bitches! Dry shampoo! Woman 3: Ah, yeah.
[Tarzan Yelling.]
Woman: Oh, oh no no.
[Coughing.]
Oh.
No.
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh oh Roberta: Thank you for calling Teletech.
My name is Roberta.
How may I help you today? Caller: Hi Roberta.
I need some help.
My Internet is going down, ah and I really need it 'cause I'm doing some research.
Roberta: See if we can sort you out here.
What is your WiFi password real quick.
Okay, so it's B-O-N-E-R-J A-M.
Roberta: Bonerjam? Yup, don't worry about it.
It's, um, B-O-N-E-R-J-A-M 6 9.
Bonerjam69.
Okay, great, fantastic.
Um, so your first self-selected security question is "What member of the Backstreet Boys do you most identify with?" Whoa ho ho, I must have set these a really long time ago.
Jesus.
Okay um AJ? Roberta: The damaged one.
Yes, worrying Sara, but correct.
Okay, so, my Internet, it just keeps, it's- Okay, yeah, no, so next question, here it is.
What is your greatest fear? Pfbbh.
Haha.
I don't know.
What was my greatest fear in 2002? Low-rise jeans.
Right? I'm really gonna need you to take this seriously, Sara.
I'm trying to verify your online identity, and I can't proceed without doing that.
Um sharks? No.
That everyone would find out my weird sexual fantasy? Roberta: Correct! Okay, great.
And one last question.
Real quick.
Sara, what is that fantasy? Uhh.
Listen.
I really never thought that I would be having to answer these out loud.
I could give you my mother's maiden name or my dad's, like, date of birth? Or something? Anything else? Okay, here we go, Roberta.
Learning about me.
My sexual fantasy is that I am a mid-level sex witch.
I'm powerful, but I'm not overwhelming to my many-gendered consorts, and I throw these like pansexual potluck orgy things, where everybody brings, like, a food item, but also, you know, like, a sex item.
Anyway, one night my ex shows up to one of these, and he's dressed as a seahorse, and we fully bang and then we watch Crossroads.
Roberta: Correct! Okay, that is great.
Thanks so much, Sara.
Just so you know, security-wise, that's a really common fantasy, so you might wanna choose another one.
Oh.
Alright, let's get started.
So you have a thing called the Internet? Okay.
Subway Announcer: 99, call patrol.
99, please call patrol.
99, call patrol.
99, you never call patrol anymore! [Sobbing.]
Woman: Happy birthday! [Shouting.]
Oh my gosh! You look amazing.
Okay, birthday girl first.
Yeah, small piece, please.
Small piece.
Birthday Girl: Ooh, I love a corner.
Cake Server: Good.
Is that okay? That's perfect, thank you very much.
Okay, and, uh, what about you? Oh, can I have half that? Cake Server: Okay, yeah.
I can do half of that.
Okay, there we go.
Woman 2: Thank you, that's, that's- Actually, you know what? I am gonna have half that half, so if you could just- Cut this in half? Birthday Girl: Cut this.
Cake Server: Okay.
Alright.
Birthday Girl: It's probably- Cake Server: There you go.
Yeah, um.
And what about for you, Denise? Oh, I'll just have half of the half of the half, please.
Half of the half of the half? Okay.
The small half? Denise: The little one is good.
Thank you.
Okay.
What about you, Janice? Two crumbs and a smear of icing, would really Cake Server: Okay.
One Two crumbs and a smear of icing.
That's delicious.
Cake Server: There we go.
Woman: A healthy smidge! Oooooh! Mmm, yum yum! And what about you, Joanie? I'm just gonna stick my tongue in a couple of blobs of pink frosting.
Eating for two.
Cake Server: Yeah.
And what about you, Martha? Oh, none for me, thanks.
I'm just going to sneak spoonfuls of the cake for the rest of the afternoon until I've eaten most of it, then I'm going to panic, pull the fire alarm, and use the resulting confusion to cover me running to the store, buying another cake, cutting out a piece so it looks like I haven't touched any.
- Huh.
-That's genius.
Woman: Great idea.
Yeah, that's really Okay, so dig in, everyone.
Oh, so filling.
I think just holding it is enough.
I'm full already.
I know, right.
Woman: Hi Chantal.
Oh, great work on the Sesler project, Tracy.
Oh, thanks very much.
You're welcome.
Actually, um this is a little bit embarrassing.
And I know that we've been working together for six months, but, (sighs) I don't actually know your name.
Yeah, I know.
Oh my god.
This is f(beep)ing bullsh(beep)t! - Oh.
-It's Nicole! It's Nicole, it's Nicole! How the f(beep)ck do you forget something like that? Am I just that totally forgettable to you? It's f(beep)ing Nicole.
Ni-ih ck-oh uhl-ah! Nicole! Tracy: So it's Nicole? [Clicks.]
Woman: Go! Run! [Whip Crack.]
Woman: Run! Yee-ah! [Whip Crack.]
Faster! [Whip Crack.]
Woohoo! [Whip Crack.]
Ah, hello, Anna.
Thank you so much for seeing me, doctor.
Doctor: Mm hm.
My OCD's been really, it's been really bad.
Oh, well, as long as you're okay with meeting at my house, I'm happy to have a session with you.
I'm here to help you.
Thank you.
Oh! Oh.
My closet has triggered your OCD, hasn't it? Mmhm.
Well, this is a hopeful moment.
Share with me what's going on.
I want, I want You want to what? I wanna run away.
Doctor: Why? Because it's messy.
Okay.
Let's go with that.
What would you do to make yourself feel better in this moment? Anna: Well Doctor: Mm hm? Well, I could use CBT to identify the hot thought, and- No, not that.
Ah try again.
Um, I could tell myself that it's okay, and-and that I can forgive myself for what happened to my cat.
No, you don't get to forgive yourself for what happened to Fluff Catty just yet.
Anna, what do you really want to do? To clean it? Doctor: Yes! To clean it.
Let's see what that looks like.
[Breathing Heavily.]
Mm.
Yes.
Okay.
Now, how does it feel looking at the closet? Better.
Doctor: Okay, that's great.
Let's keep going with this.
What about that pile of shoes in the corner? Oh, I don't wanna touch your shoes, they're- Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
Doctor: Mm hm.
Thank you thank you thank you thank you.
It would be good if there was a rack for these.
Oh! I have one.
[Clanging.]
Whoops.
Now, what would you do if I was to leave you here with this and go and make myself a cup of tea? I would put this rack together.
Doctor: Okay.
Let's go with that.
See how that feels.
[Heavy Breathing.]
Hello.
[Classical Music.]
Okay, I finished the bathrooms.
What about the bedroom? All done.
Anna, I think you've shown real progress.
Are you ready to take this deeper? Yeah.
Ah, how's next weekend? Great! Wonderful.
Well, the key's under the mat.
You can let yourself in.
Okay, thank you.
- Mm hm.
-Thank you, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, and Anna? Next time don't forget the baseboards.
Anna: Oh, yes! Okay.
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh oh Woman: Uh, yeah, can I get like a medium drip? Thanks.
Can I have a medium drip, please? Hi, medium coffee.
Can I have a medium coffee, please? Hey, I'm gonna get a medium drip coffee, please.
Can I have a medium drip coffee, please? Oh, hey, can I have a grande latte, please? [Silence.]
A grande? I-I mean a medium.
Woman 2: I don't mean a grande, I mean a medium.
I mean a coffee! I mean a coffee.
[Camera Shutters.]
A drip coffee! I want a medium drip coffee! I don't want a grande, I don't even go there.
I'm one of you.
I'm one of you! I'm one of you! I'm one of you! [Club Dance Beat.]
Hi.
Hi.
[Footsteps.]
Whoa.
[Club Dance Beat.]
[Gun Shots.]
Ow! Okay! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, gone too far? With the gun? [Hand Cuffs Locking.]
Oh, yup.
Way too far.
I should've stopped with the hat.
Oh God, I'm feeling those fries.
Hey! What are you doing? That is not how you cross the street! Where's your phone? You need these on.
Okay, eyes on your phone, there you go! [loud car horn; tire screeches.]
Keep your eye on that phone.
This is your time! Announcer: On the next episode, the verdict is in.
It states that the mine was unsafe.
Will we be seeing you again? No.
Announcer: When Calls the Heart, Sunday at 8:00 on CBC.
What is this store? Oh, this is, uh, Forever 81.
All the jeans are from 1981.
So we've got Jordache, Sergio Valente, GWG, Roadrunner.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Decent.
Can I try these on? For sure, the uh, change area's right over there.
[Groaning.]
Okay, it's happening.
It's happening, it's happening! Oh my God, I did it! This is like the longest zipper in the world.
Me and my friends will spike the punch, Lovin' ourselves and causing fun Yeah, Hey Hey There's no clouds, there's just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah.
Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater [Alert Chiming.]
Oooh! Looks like a member of our fitness family just had a birthday! Oh, yeah, thank you.
Um, just, the bell didn't go off last year.
Oh, last year you weren't forty! - Come with me.
-Okay.
[Upbeat Ambling Tune.]
Over our 15 years as a fitness hut we've found something special happens to women at forty.
Okay.
Um, it's just that this is a change room Desk Worker: Yes.
Oh, no no.
Not here.
Here.
[Heavenly Harp Music.]
Kelsey: Okay, it's just Wow.
I'm not comfortable with that much nudity, so Ooh, aren't you? [Gasps.]
Oh.
I am.
I am, I'm but how? Welcome to your forties, Kelsey.
Welcome to not giving a shit at the gym.
Kelsey: Oh.
Okay.
Woman: You're one of us now, Kelsey.
You own this room.
You can hang out here naked all day.
Kelsey: Oh my god.
I never felt like so entitled to a space! And it only gets better from here.
Like in five years, you'll be giving unsolicited life advice to perfect strangers.
Hey, you know what they say about shaving your bikini line and then having the hair grow back stronger? It's true.
Woman 2: And the mental space that's freed up by not giving a shit, it's delicious.
Ouch.
Ah.
Ah, ooh.
Oh, no no.
Modesty is for them.
You're in a better space now.
Kelsey: Okay.
[Soaring Triumphant Music.]
[Music Soars.]
[Slow Clap.]
Alright, now who wants to go to the sauna and scare the shit out of the twenty somethings? Yeah! Doctor: Okay, so what we're seeing here is that your foot pronates left and it's placing undue pressure on your tarsal and navicular bones, and that's what's causing the pain in your foot.
[Clears Throat.]
Is it serious, that? I'd say so, yes.
Okay.
So, do I need to do something, like surgery? Do I need that? Maybe.
It's a big decision.
Yes.
It is.
So, what would you advise me to do? Do you want to tell me, doctor? Well, it's tough to say.
There's pros, there's cons Yeah, okay, so what if I was a member of your family? What if I was your daughter, or if I was your sister, what would you-what would you tell me to do? Well, if you were my sister, I would tell you to go to hell.
We haven't spoken in three years.
Okay, that's weird.
Um, what if I was your daughter? You would If you were my daughter, um, I would say it's in your best interest to start, um, dressing your age and stay out of the sun because you're starting to look like a middle-aged woman.
Okay, um, yeah, I'm gonna get a second opinion.
Doctor: On what I'd say to my daughter? Because that's not gonna change.
No, my foot? Good.
Because I stand by what I'd say to my daughter.
Okay, great, I'm gonna go now.
Okay, no, you're gonna stay right here, because while you're under my roof, you will live under my rules.
Don't talk to me that way! You will do as I say! You're not my father! Get to your room! I hate you! Good! Kids.
Hey! What are you doing? That is not how you cross the street! Where is your phone? Yes, pull that out.
That's right.
We need these on.
'Kay, eyes on your phone.
There you go.
Keep your eyes on that phone.
[Screeching & Honking Horns.]
This is all about you! This is your time! Hi, Sammy.
Sammy: Oh, hi Joan.
Hi, could you bring up the TMS report for me, please.
Sammy: Oh, yeah, absolutely.
Joan: Okay, thank you.
Sure.
Just, uh, just got it right under here.
Here we go.
Oh, okay, got another one here.
There we go.
Oh, okay.
That.
Oh.
Okay.
Sorry.
- That's cute.
- Sorry.
Yeah, got it.
Joan: Oh, another one.
-Uh 'Kay.
Joan: Uh yes.
Sammy: Calico.
It's a cat, I know.
Where are ya.
TMS report.
Just that the meeting's in about five minutes, so Sammy: Oh, there.
Oh, no.
Sorry.
Let's see if this is the report here.
Oh.
No.
Okay There, uh, there we go.
Oh, this one was my wallpaokay, hold on.
Oh that's good.
That's a good one.
Woman: And then she said to me, "Not in the store, ma'am.
" And I was all like, "Ma'am, who? "Who're you calling ma'am?" I'm so sorry! Oh my gosh, I'm just so sorry.
Oh my god, I'm so sorry I'm late, you guys.
But I have had quite the morning.
You know, the kids The kids were just like blu-blu-blu-blu- blu-blu-blu-blu and then John gets all like blah-blah-blah-blah-blah and I'm like bluuuieee, you know? You know? And I have barely had time to breathe.
Let alone shower.
I must look terrible.
Oh, your hair looks amazing.
Oh my gosh, thank you.
Thank you! Thank you, I'm gonna tell you something.
It's a tiny little secret.
It's called dry shampoo.
I just spray that in there.
Sh-sh-sh when I don't have time for myself.
That's what I do.
Woman: And then I said to him, "Maybe that came out of you.
" "You don't know.
" Woman 2: Oh my god oh my god.
I just walked in on John sleeping with the kids' swimming instructor and they were really going for it.
John was just like aaaoooow wowww and she was like ouah uh uh uh and the kids were like uh? oh.
Anyway, it's fine.
I'm here now.
Oh my god, sweetheart, I am so sorry.
I know that happened.
I mean, at least your hair still looks great.
Thank you! I have to tell you, this dry shampoo, it's a real lifesaver.
I am getting a divorce.
Oh.
Woman 2: But, phbblblht, whatever.
Check out that volume.
Woman 3: I could feel my mother's presence in the room, you know, I could feel it.
And then I heard her distinctly say Woman 2: I'm sorry! Ha ha hi, yi, hi, hi, I'm sorry.
John's lawyer was being very like mwaw waww wup wup and then of course John was all like meww weuw wew wew.
You know, I'm so tired.
I haven't had a minute to myself! I haven't had that minute! Woman 3: Well, um, at least your hair still looks great? Woman 2: Thank you, thank you, thank you 'cause I am loviiiiing ingingingingiiing this dry shampoo.
I'm loving it so much.
It's like I'm always fresh.
I never have to shower.
Woman: And if I followed him into the forest, I'd learn how to cook.
Woman 2: Sorry.
Hello, oh hello.
Hello there.
And I'm so sorry that I am late.
I just decided to go on a little wilderness hike.
I wanted to forget about the marriage stuff, you know.
And I ran into this bear that was like raaaaauuuuuaaghr and then I was like auwwk! Yeah, so I just like killed it! Killed it, I killed it, I killed it, and then I ate it.
And then I lived inside it for a week and I had these amazing visions of nature that was like whaaaaat whaaaat is imporrrrrtaant what is really imporrrrtaant and I came to some amazing conclusions.
Yeah? Yeah? Can I just set that there.
I'm gonna wanna have a little bit a [Phone Buzzes.]
Oh, my phone.
That's my phone.
Ding-dong, it's John.
What does he want? Took the kids.
Took the kids, that's fine.
That's fine.
You wanna know why it's fine? Because of my god damn hair.
It looks amazing! Dry shampoo, bitches! Dry shampoo! Woman 3: Ah, yeah.
[Tarzan Yelling.]
Woman: Oh, oh no no.
[Coughing.]
Oh.
No.
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh oh Roberta: Thank you for calling Teletech.
My name is Roberta.
How may I help you today? Caller: Hi Roberta.
I need some help.
My Internet is going down, ah and I really need it 'cause I'm doing some research.
Roberta: See if we can sort you out here.
What is your WiFi password real quick.
Okay, so it's B-O-N-E-R-J A-M.
Roberta: Bonerjam? Yup, don't worry about it.
It's, um, B-O-N-E-R-J-A-M 6 9.
Bonerjam69.
Okay, great, fantastic.
Um, so your first self-selected security question is "What member of the Backstreet Boys do you most identify with?" Whoa ho ho, I must have set these a really long time ago.
Jesus.
Okay um AJ? Roberta: The damaged one.
Yes, worrying Sara, but correct.
Okay, so, my Internet, it just keeps, it's- Okay, yeah, no, so next question, here it is.
What is your greatest fear? Pfbbh.
Haha.
I don't know.
What was my greatest fear in 2002? Low-rise jeans.
Right? I'm really gonna need you to take this seriously, Sara.
I'm trying to verify your online identity, and I can't proceed without doing that.
Um sharks? No.
That everyone would find out my weird sexual fantasy? Roberta: Correct! Okay, great.
And one last question.
Real quick.
Sara, what is that fantasy? Uhh.
Listen.
I really never thought that I would be having to answer these out loud.
I could give you my mother's maiden name or my dad's, like, date of birth? Or something? Anything else? Okay, here we go, Roberta.
Learning about me.
My sexual fantasy is that I am a mid-level sex witch.
I'm powerful, but I'm not overwhelming to my many-gendered consorts, and I throw these like pansexual potluck orgy things, where everybody brings, like, a food item, but also, you know, like, a sex item.
Anyway, one night my ex shows up to one of these, and he's dressed as a seahorse, and we fully bang and then we watch Crossroads.
Roberta: Correct! Okay, that is great.
Thanks so much, Sara.
Just so you know, security-wise, that's a really common fantasy, so you might wanna choose another one.
Oh.
Alright, let's get started.
So you have a thing called the Internet? Okay.
Subway Announcer: 99, call patrol.
99, please call patrol.
99, call patrol.
99, you never call patrol anymore! [Sobbing.]
Woman: Happy birthday! [Shouting.]
Oh my gosh! You look amazing.
Okay, birthday girl first.
Yeah, small piece, please.
Small piece.
Birthday Girl: Ooh, I love a corner.
Cake Server: Good.
Is that okay? That's perfect, thank you very much.
Okay, and, uh, what about you? Oh, can I have half that? Cake Server: Okay, yeah.
I can do half of that.
Okay, there we go.
Woman 2: Thank you, that's, that's- Actually, you know what? I am gonna have half that half, so if you could just- Cut this in half? Birthday Girl: Cut this.
Cake Server: Okay.
Alright.
Birthday Girl: It's probably- Cake Server: There you go.
Yeah, um.
And what about for you, Denise? Oh, I'll just have half of the half of the half, please.
Half of the half of the half? Okay.
The small half? Denise: The little one is good.
Thank you.
Okay.
What about you, Janice? Two crumbs and a smear of icing, would really Cake Server: Okay.
One Two crumbs and a smear of icing.
That's delicious.
Cake Server: There we go.
Woman: A healthy smidge! Oooooh! Mmm, yum yum! And what about you, Joanie? I'm just gonna stick my tongue in a couple of blobs of pink frosting.
Eating for two.
Cake Server: Yeah.
And what about you, Martha? Oh, none for me, thanks.
I'm just going to sneak spoonfuls of the cake for the rest of the afternoon until I've eaten most of it, then I'm going to panic, pull the fire alarm, and use the resulting confusion to cover me running to the store, buying another cake, cutting out a piece so it looks like I haven't touched any.
- Huh.
-That's genius.
Woman: Great idea.
Yeah, that's really Okay, so dig in, everyone.
Oh, so filling.
I think just holding it is enough.
I'm full already.
I know, right.
Woman: Hi Chantal.
Oh, great work on the Sesler project, Tracy.
Oh, thanks very much.
You're welcome.
Actually, um this is a little bit embarrassing.
And I know that we've been working together for six months, but, (sighs) I don't actually know your name.
Yeah, I know.
Oh my god.
This is f(beep)ing bullsh(beep)t! - Oh.
-It's Nicole! It's Nicole, it's Nicole! How the f(beep)ck do you forget something like that? Am I just that totally forgettable to you? It's f(beep)ing Nicole.
Ni-ih ck-oh uhl-ah! Nicole! Tracy: So it's Nicole? [Clicks.]
Woman: Go! Run! [Whip Crack.]
Woman: Run! Yee-ah! [Whip Crack.]
Faster! [Whip Crack.]
Woohoo! [Whip Crack.]
Ah, hello, Anna.
Thank you so much for seeing me, doctor.
Doctor: Mm hm.
My OCD's been really, it's been really bad.
Oh, well, as long as you're okay with meeting at my house, I'm happy to have a session with you.
I'm here to help you.
Thank you.
Oh! Oh.
My closet has triggered your OCD, hasn't it? Mmhm.
Well, this is a hopeful moment.
Share with me what's going on.
I want, I want You want to what? I wanna run away.
Doctor: Why? Because it's messy.
Okay.
Let's go with that.
What would you do to make yourself feel better in this moment? Anna: Well Doctor: Mm hm? Well, I could use CBT to identify the hot thought, and- No, not that.
Ah try again.
Um, I could tell myself that it's okay, and-and that I can forgive myself for what happened to my cat.
No, you don't get to forgive yourself for what happened to Fluff Catty just yet.
Anna, what do you really want to do? To clean it? Doctor: Yes! To clean it.
Let's see what that looks like.
[Breathing Heavily.]
Mm.
Yes.
Okay.
Now, how does it feel looking at the closet? Better.
Doctor: Okay, that's great.
Let's keep going with this.
What about that pile of shoes in the corner? Oh, I don't wanna touch your shoes, they're- Here you go.
Oh, thank you.
Doctor: Mm hm.
Thank you thank you thank you thank you.
It would be good if there was a rack for these.
Oh! I have one.
[Clanging.]
Whoops.
Now, what would you do if I was to leave you here with this and go and make myself a cup of tea? I would put this rack together.
Doctor: Okay.
Let's go with that.
See how that feels.
[Heavy Breathing.]
Hello.
[Classical Music.]
Okay, I finished the bathrooms.
What about the bedroom? All done.
Anna, I think you've shown real progress.
Are you ready to take this deeper? Yeah.
Ah, how's next weekend? Great! Wonderful.
Well, the key's under the mat.
You can let yourself in.
Okay, thank you.
- Mm hm.
-Thank you, doctor.
Doctor: Oh, and Anna? Next time don't forget the baseboards.
Anna: Oh, yes! Okay.
Oh, oh, oh Oh, oh oh Woman: Uh, yeah, can I get like a medium drip? Thanks.
Can I have a medium drip, please? Hi, medium coffee.
Can I have a medium coffee, please? Hey, I'm gonna get a medium drip coffee, please.
Can I have a medium drip coffee, please? Oh, hey, can I have a grande latte, please? [Silence.]
A grande? I-I mean a medium.
Woman 2: I don't mean a grande, I mean a medium.
I mean a coffee! I mean a coffee.
[Camera Shutters.]
A drip coffee! I want a medium drip coffee! I don't want a grande, I don't even go there.
I'm one of you.
I'm one of you! I'm one of you! I'm one of you! [Club Dance Beat.]
Hi.
Hi.
[Footsteps.]
Whoa.
[Club Dance Beat.]
[Gun Shots.]
Ow! Okay! Ah! Ah! Ah! Oh, gone too far? With the gun? [Hand Cuffs Locking.]
Oh, yup.
Way too far.
I should've stopped with the hat.
Oh God, I'm feeling those fries.
Hey! What are you doing? That is not how you cross the street! Where's your phone? You need these on.
Okay, eyes on your phone, there you go! [loud car horn; tire screeches.]
Keep your eye on that phone.
This is your time! Announcer: On the next episode, the verdict is in.
It states that the mine was unsafe.
Will we be seeing you again? No.
Announcer: When Calls the Heart, Sunday at 8:00 on CBC.