Baroness von Sketch Show (2016) s04e03 Episode Script
It's a Peachy Abomination
1 I don't know.
I know, it all look so good.
Have we decided what we'd like to order? Yeah, what's the catch of the day? Oh we have two options today, we have a seaweed encrusted Nestle bottle - with a side of Ziploc sandwich bags.
- Okay.
Or we have a delicious 6-pack of plastic rings, dusted with petroleum sea salt, and paired with an empty container - of vanilla full fat yogurt.
- (IN UNISON) Oooh.
They both sound delicious.
You know what, I can't pass up some plastic rings.
I'm going to have that, but could I have it with a side of microbeads please.
Oh, well in that case I'm going to get the Nestle bottle, but maybe we'll start with some tampon applicators? - Oooh.
- For the table? - Yeah let's share.
- Okay.
Just great.
You read my mind.
Oooh, excuse me, it looks so good.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh I mean, the sweat suit in day to day wear every - Oh, what's going on Larry? - Yeah, you look totally freaked out? Yeah the strangest thing just happened.
I opened my email to a couple of messages from clients - (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL) - both explaining my job to me like I'm an idiot, turns out my computer had auto-corrected my name from Larry to Laura, that's why they were talking down to me.
They thought I was a woman.
- Yeah, that's totally normal.
- Yeah, yeah normally happens to us every day.
It's not like weird at all for us.
It's pretty normal to have our jobs explained to us.
- (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL) - It's like, there's a world for men, but then there's like this upside down world for women, That's so unfair.
Yeah, it's literally what we've been saying for years and years.
It's pretty normal for us.
- (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL) - You know, it would have taken me twenty minutes at least to dress that deer, - and I only had a few calories left - Whoa.
and I was like I have to get back to the cabin I cannot believe that so many women are still using the hashtag metoo.
- Well yes.
- Oh you just noticed that.
Oh wow, that's interesting.
I mean, we're not talking about a couple of women, we're talking about millions.
- There's a lot of women on the planet.
- Yeah that's kind of how life is for a lot of the people - (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL) - Wait a minute, that means that almost every woman has experienced harassment because she's a woman.
- That is incredible insight.
- Wow, you really cracked the case there.
We're going to tweet about this, that's what we're going to do.
JENNIFER: Oh, okay, well.
You know, it's funny I never thought about trying to change - Think about changing anything.
- Yeah, he's sending a message.
- (PHONE CHIMING) - And fixed it.
- (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL) - I was like Larry, he's just, he's such a nice guy, I just thought, oh, he'll be more empathetic, just, gosh, this is so disappointing, you know, when someone's privilege stops them from understanding the struggle that you've been living with for years.
- Yeah, no idea what that's like.
- That must be really hard for you.
You must be struggling.
Open your eyes, am I right? See other people.
- Yeah.
- Really.
- Other people have different experiences than you.
- Right? Exactly.
Imagine what it would be like to be different.
- Yeah, tell it, sis.
- Yeah.
I can't, okay.
- Yeah you can't.
- Great chats.
HUSBAND: Husband and wife.
WIFE: Yeah, can you put me down, you're going to smack on my elbows.
I'm carrying you over the threshold.
I see the struggle in your face.
- I love you.
- I love you, you're so sweet.
Can we shut the door, don't - I'll get it with my foot and done.
- I missed it.
I missed.
I got it.
- This is sexy, right? - Just put me down.
Don't throw me on the bed! Don't throw me on the bed! WIFE: Oh, God! Are you okay? - Go take your shoes off.
- Okay, I will.
HUSBAND: I'm going to get so naked for you.
WIFE: I haven't seen that in seven years.
- Oh God, do I have something in my nose? - Yeah.
Did I get it? Is it out? - Nope.
- Why is that taking so long? It's double knotted.
- Push on me.
- You pull from the bottom, and I'll push from the top.
It's almost there, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull! - Yes! - Yes! Okay, next one.
Rodney, I've got a little treat for you.
- What? - What have you always wanted? For you to be nicer? - Talking dirty.
- Talking dirty, that's what I want.
I'm nervous.
I love you.
Okay here we go, you're my n naughty husband.
Yeah.
And I'm gonna I have a lot of pins in my hair.
Okay, Mom.
Oh there's so many in here.
He's here, say hello.
Hi.
Okay, Mom we're trying to have sex, okay, bye.
Ready for a little striptease? Oh, yes I am.
Can you give me some beats? And what do you feel like, country or like Just, let's stop the strip 'til the pantyhose are off.
Can you help me? I'm wearing Spanx, don't look.
I've seen everything before.
I need to get out of the dress, just help me with the dress.
Okay, huh, huh, huh.
- I lost another nail.
- It's tighter - I lost another nail.
- It's tighter than it looks.
- It's coming I think.
- I feel like it is coming.
It's moving.
I love my wife, I love - Oh love, I have to pee.
- Okay.
I'm still horny.
HUSBAND: Me too! This is working.
- I feel like we're close.
- Mhm.
Do you want to flip me over? Yes, okay, oh, it's one, two, three.
Oh my gosh, your uncle Jeff just gave us 300 dollars.
(GASPS) Uncle Jeff, yes! Yes.
Nice! Did you want a chip? Yeah.
Read to me.
Read them out loud.
- Okay.
- Your bond in marriage is a precious gift from God, ew.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- You're my husband.
- And you're my wife.
- (IN FUNNY VOICE) So exciting.
- You're so nice.
I just feel like it's not going to happen.
- Not going to happen tonight.
- No.
No.
(IN UNISON) Thelma and Louise road trip, woohoo! - Yes, okay, all right.
- Okay.
Bags packed, check.
Okay good, full tank of gas, check.
Cooler full of beer, check.
Easy access snacks, check.
Feminine products, check.
Twizzlers for when you get angry, check.
- Vibrator, check.
- Two pairs of sunglasses, check.
Mixed tape for later, check.
Back up music 'cause your mixes are bad, check.
Fully charged cell phone, check.
Two chocolate puddings, check.
Flask for later, check.
- Did we lock the house? - Check.
- Windows closed? - Check.
- Made the bed? - Check.
- Floor washed? - Check.
- Cat fed? - Check.
- Extra cat food in the bowl? - Check.
- GPS system.
- Check.
Sleeping bags in the trunk, check.
Ask the neighbours to pick up the mail, check.
Left an office reply on, check.
- Joints for later.
- (IN UNISON) Check.
- Do you want to just hot box the car? - Hang out in the car? Yeah, let's hot box the car.
I mean, a road trip would have been fun but I'm just going to get these open and Let's just admit who we are.
Yeah.
Exactly.
I'm just amazed that I have to point it out.
- I know, it is surprising.
- Yes.
But you'd be surprised what comes across our - Hi.
- Hello.
- You wanted to see me? - Yes Paula, please sit down.
Okay.
LINDA: So I have asked Calinda from legal to join us.
Hello.
Am I in trouble? Um It's about your scrunchie.
(SCOFFS) My scrunchie? What were you thinking? PAULA: I wasn't really thinking, I mean, it's comfy.
LINDA: God, so is underwear with shit stains on it, we don't all wear those to work I'm sorry.
Oh, oh okay, I think I can clear this up.
Scrunchies are back in style.
- Legally speaking scrunchies were never in style.
- Yeah, no.
Actually, they're called hair clouds now.
- (GAGGING) - That's not helping.
- Okay, listen Patty.
- Paula.
Paula, HR has received a number of complaints, and your - scrunchie is triggering the rest of the office.
- Yes.
Okay, the rest of the office or just Linda, 'cause, you know, Linda's triggered by a lot of stuff.
We are not free to discuss or share who was triggered, but rest assured more than one person was.
- It wasn't just Linda.
- It wasn't just Linda.
Okay, well I just wonder how anyone, including Linda, could be triggered by this.
I mean, it's a piece of elastic with fabric around it.
It's a peachy abomination! Mon-i-ca.
I'm so sorry.
CALINDA: Okay, Penny.
- Paula.
- Paula.
- It's your level of judgement that we're concerned about.
- Yes.
I mean, today you're wearing a scrunchie, tomorrow you're wearing a Von Dutch hat and sweat pants with writing on the butt.
I'm not a bad person.
Legally you are if you have writing on your butt.
LINDA: Paula, I think you know what has to happen now.
(SIGHS) Okay, I'm sorry that my scrunchie was triggering to people in the office.
- Thank you.
- Stop it.
And I will remove it.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
That's it.
(SENSUAL INSTRUMENTAL) Whoa your hair.
I'm sorry, it's incredible, it's really something else.
LINDA: It's so good.
- CALINDA: It's so good.
- It's so good.
- It's so very, very good.
- Can you just can you just? - Yeah.
- Oh my oh my, hello! Yes! It's a lot to take in.
PAULA: Guys, you can have this hair too, it's actually the scrunchie.
I saw this Youtube tutorial, if you put one in when your hair is damp, when you take it out, it looks like this.
- CALINDA: Really? - Yeah.
Oh another little tip for ya, when you're done, if you put the scrunchie on your wrist like this - No, no! - Ugh.
Good lord, you look like a clown in a sleeveless shirt, my eyes! LINDA: It's not cool, you are fired, - you are fired.
- Really? - Yes.
- Yeah, get out of here.
Get out.
CALINDA: You need to take that off your wrist before the rest of the office sees.
Linda is going to freak Ahhhhhhhh! Look at it.
Ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh! It's like the devil's cervix! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh And now there's just one more store I'm not allowed to go into.
No at all.
- Yeah, isn't that crazy? - Mm.
- Hey, are you okay? - Hm? Yeah, yeah I'm okay, I just, I'm feeling like, uh, just a bit hot, is it hot in here? No, I'm perfect.
Really? In that turtleneck? I'm actually a little chilly.
Wow.
Maybe I'm coming down with something and I just, uh Maybe it's perimenopause.
- (DRAMATIC CHORDS) - You think? I don't know, is it? - I don't know, is it? - (SUSPENSEFUL INSTRUMENTAL) Uh - No.
- No.
- I still wear a jean jacket.
- Yeah.
I still drink out of a mason jar.
But you're hot for no reason, so is it? - Is it? - Is it? No.
Maybe? Fuck.
Have you read this? Ah, I don't know, I, I can't remember.
You can't remember? It's a whole book, how can you not remember reading a book? Oh, unless it's perimenopause, is it? No, is it? - I mean, it can't be.
- No it can't be - But is it? - Is it? I don't know, I I still get acne.
I - Yeah.
- I have a snowboard.
It can't be.
- No.
- There's no way.
No it's not.
(IN UNISON) Is it? (LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL) - Hey.
- Hi.
Oh, those are super cute sunglasses.
- Are they? - Yeah they are really Ah! Jesus! Well I don't even know why I did that.
Sorry.
Oh, is it perimenopause? No.
(IN UNISON) Is it? Is it perimenopause? I don't know.
Do you have more underarm hair? My armpit hair got a lot thicker.
Or was that on my chin? Oh God.
Is it perimenopause? I don't know.
Well you should know, you're my mother.
I think it is.
- It is? - Is it? I'm the baby of the family though.
- You are? - Am I? Oh, sweetie.
Mommy.
Have you talked to a doctor? I can't sleep.
I I'm hot all the time.
My moods are up and down.
I like, burst into tears for absolutely no reason, like is it, um, is it perimenopause? Oh, I don't know, is it? What do you mean? You're you're my doctor.
What Oh it could be, there's not really much research.
I mean, who really cares, right? But the one thing we do know is that it can last up to ten years.
- Ten years? - Or more.
- What? - Or less.
I don't know what else to tell ya.
I I don't know, how 'bout like maybe you just tell me what's going on with my body, like, anything, is that is that too unreasonable a request? Yes, it is, definitely.
Hello everybody.
Welcome, very excited to have you here.
Ah, yes, before we dive in, the creative writing faculty has asked me to clear up a pressing issue from last term.
Due to a frankly unbelievable surplus we will no longer be accepting short stories about any of the following: divorce, ships, wealthy young people suffering from unexplained malaise, extramarital affairs, Joseph Campbell as his own narrator, the concept of time as it relates to being a bored male poet, anachronistically working in a video rental store, being a writer, loveless marriage, or grad school.
Okay? (MURMURING) You can of course, you know, write about any other subject.
The world's your oyster.
Nobody has any short stories about literally any other subject? Great.
- Yes? - Hi, um, does that also include stories of couples staving off divorce when non-monogamy? - 100% yes.
- STUDENT: Oh.
'Cause there's there's nothing else, no other genres? Didn't realize that was such a, you know, try sci-fi, people poo-poo it, but it's pretty exciting.
I've written a collection of short stories.
But nobody's read that.
Okay, let's shake it off, here's a fun game I love to play.
- Okay.
All right.
- Okay.
You can tell what people are binge watching by what they're wearing.
- Oh, interesting.
- Check it out.
Okay, Nicole from HR, Game of Thrones.
DENISE: Yes, winter is coming.
CAROLYN: Elise from accounting, Handmaid's Tale.
Hm, possibly.
Delaney from shipping and receiving, Orange is the New Black.
That's fabulous.
Alexia from marketing up there, Grey's Anatomy.
People still watch that? - Apparently, yeah.
- Huh, okay.
And, uh, Tara just behind that bush, Planet Earth.
DENISE: Oh that's good.
Yeah, wow.
I've never seen that show.
- Um - Don't make eye contact.
(GROWLING) - She's got meat in her mouth.
- No, stop looking at her.
- I can't stop looking.
- Denise, honestly, stop looking at her.
I can't though because she's got the meat hanging out of her mouth.
CAROLYN: What are you doing? Avert your eyes.
I can't look away.
I can't! - Denise, I said avert your eyes! - I can't I just - (GROWLING) - Ah!! Ah!! Oh my God.
Oh my God! This usually calms her down, there you go, that calms her down.
- That calms her down.
- DENISE: Usually? CAROLYN: Yeah, there you go.
And I didn't think I'd want to see Come From Away, - but it was really good.
- MURIEL: I thought it was so great.
I know, I just thought what is it the grammar, I don't understand.
What does come from away mean? I never go to see live theatre Oh, uh oh.
Oh, I think they want us to go.
CAROLYN: What, really? Oh, I'm sorry did you Did you want us to, um, did you want us to leave? Oh we're closing up so But no rush but - Oh okay.
- We'll be closing up.
Okay, thank you.
So? She said, no rush, it's fine.
Anyway, it was shocking to me that somebody wouldn't even Okay, okay that's the music.
(STUTTERS) That's a hint, they want us to get going, so let's settle up, let's settle up.
No, you're being paranoid, we're having fun, come on.
Excuse me, my friend thinks you're trying to rush us out of here.
Really I I don't know what would give you that idea.
CAROLYN: That's so silly.
Do you think I could have a peek at the dessert menu? You want me to ask the kitchen if they're doing dessert at one in the morning? Just want to take a peek at the menu.
I mean I don't So I'll go.
Just a boo, just a quick boo, I want to take a quick boo.
I mean, I did want another glass of wine, but I'll have dessert and I'll move onto tea, maybe a chamomile.
What? No dessert, let's finish our drinks and then go.
- No, we're having so much fun.
- (VACUUM WHIRRING) MURIEL: Come on, they don't want us here.
No, of course they do, it's the service industry, they're here to serve us.
- That feels unequal.
- Does it? - And kind of classist frankly.
- Classist, who are you? The kitchen couldn't provide a dessert menu, but I found this perfectly good cake that they were about to throw out, so I saved it for the two of you, free of charge.
Oh, thank you.
SERVER: There you go.
- - CAROLYN: Wow.
Okay, read that.
It's a joke, Muriel! It's a joke, look she brought it over, this is what kitchen people do.
It's not a joke.
Look, this is funny, this is funny.
- I love it.
- I think you're putting We're going to give them a good 15%, okay? I, listen, I'm so sorry, if there's anything we can do.
I just, what's happening? Uh oh.
Oh my God, it's like a Greek wedding.
Oh put me down, put me down, put me down.
CAROLYN: They're just vacuuming.
Okay, you know what? (STUTTERS) I am so sorry, I'm not like her.
I was you.
I was you, honestly I did this job.
I'm sorry.
Take everything I have, just just take take What? Oh.
Woohoo! I'm just gonna leave that there for you.
Oh this is fun, I love this place.
Do you make an Irish coffee? Actually, I'd love a tiramisu or like a dolce de leche.
This is fun, oh, you missed a spot.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh CAROLYN: Is it Jethro Tull or Jethro Tool? Do you guys know a guy named Paul Adams? - Paul Adams.
- Yeah, why? Oh God, what did he do? Oh was it bad? Oh no, how bad was it? Like was it getting fired from his job bad, or like don't talk to him at parties anymore bad? JENNIFER: Oh, like deleting him on Facebook bad, or blocking him on Facebook bad? CAROLYN: Was it like warn your friends quietly bad, or like denounce him in a public statement? Oh my God! I went on two dates with him back in the day.
I had no idea.
You just can't tell these days, you just never know.
No, it's like every day is a fresh nightmare.
What is going on with men? Guys, wow, chill.
I just was wondering if you've rented his cottage out in the summer.
(IN UNISON) Ooh.
- Yeah, he does.
- Oh that's fantastic.
I mean, I'd never go there alone with everybody.
- Oh no no no.
- My God, no.
No.
No.
(SOFT LIVELY MUSIC) Oh fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, oh fuck it, ow, fuck.
Just, ah fuuuuck! Arrgggh, fuck.
- Ah, fuck! - What the fuck? - Ah fuck.
- Oh, fuuuck.
- Ow! Fuckety fuck fuck.
- Oh fuck.
- Oh fuck.
- Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Ahhhhhhhh! Fuuuuuuck! (BOOM) Shit.
Oh.
Yeah.
- (SUSPENSEFUL INSTRUMENTAL) - (DISPATCH CHATTER) You pulled me out of my kid's dance recital, this better be worth it.
It is, but I got to warn you it's, uh, messy.
Forensics called in their spatter expert.
- (SIGHS) All right.
- Yeah.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) Ugh, my God.
What kind of monster would do this? (DRAMATIC CHORDS) SPATTER EXPERT: Judging by the angle and the spray of the pattern, who Jackson Pollock'd all over the toilet seat, did a low squat.
The perp had to go real bad and didn't care about the next person that had to use the stall.
Is there any chance it's spray back from the toilet flush? (CHUCKLES) Well, that's what the victim's hoping.
It was pee.
I sat in a stranger's pee.
(SOBBING) All right, what do you think? - Does this match the other scenes? - Fits the profile.
So we're dealing with a serial pisser, damn it.
All right, what's the profile on the perp so far? Female, 15-65, probably white, definitely entitled, strong thighs, poor aim, powerful stream, and I'd say judging by the colour of the pee, slightly dehydrated.
Well in this city that could be anybody.
The good news is she's a creature of habit, so - She'll be back.
- Mhm.
Nice work, PSI.
There we go, we're doing really well at that.
- All right let's go! - (SUSPENSEFUL INSTRUMENTAL) Got a 20 on a possible suspect.
Feet up everyone.
Feet up! CAPTAIN: We've got our sights on her.
She's in.
- (STREAMING PEE) - (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) - (TOILET FLUSHING) - Go go go go.
(SUSPENSEFUL INSTRUMENTAL) - What's all this? - DET.
HARDCRACK: Well well well.
What? Your days of pissing on toilet seats are over.
I didn't do anything wrong.
Toilet seats are filled with disease, what is it? - Who are these people? - Ah, you monster! Put down paper or at least wipe up after yourself! You know, no one ever died from sitting on a toilet seat, nobody ever died! CAPTAIN: Hey hey, forget it Hardcrack, where she's going, none of the toilets have seats.
Are you serious? I'm going to jail for this? - Let's move out! - Yeah but where are you taking me? Good work.
Do you know how many privacy laws you've just broken?
I know, it all look so good.
Have we decided what we'd like to order? Yeah, what's the catch of the day? Oh we have two options today, we have a seaweed encrusted Nestle bottle - with a side of Ziploc sandwich bags.
- Okay.
Or we have a delicious 6-pack of plastic rings, dusted with petroleum sea salt, and paired with an empty container - of vanilla full fat yogurt.
- (IN UNISON) Oooh.
They both sound delicious.
You know what, I can't pass up some plastic rings.
I'm going to have that, but could I have it with a side of microbeads please.
Oh, well in that case I'm going to get the Nestle bottle, but maybe we'll start with some tampon applicators? - Oooh.
- For the table? - Yeah let's share.
- Okay.
Just great.
You read my mind.
Oooh, excuse me, it looks so good.
("DANCING UNDERWATER" BY BRAVE SHORES) Me and my friends will spike the punch Rolling in the party we'll start the fun Get fancy Hey Hey There's no clouds its just the sun Living in times that are meant for fun, yeah Hold your breath a little longer Let's go dancing underwater Oh, oh, oh oh I mean, the sweat suit in day to day wear every - Oh, what's going on Larry? - Yeah, you look totally freaked out? Yeah the strangest thing just happened.
I opened my email to a couple of messages from clients - (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL) - both explaining my job to me like I'm an idiot, turns out my computer had auto-corrected my name from Larry to Laura, that's why they were talking down to me.
They thought I was a woman.
- Yeah, that's totally normal.
- Yeah, yeah normally happens to us every day.
It's not like weird at all for us.
It's pretty normal to have our jobs explained to us.
- (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL) - It's like, there's a world for men, but then there's like this upside down world for women, That's so unfair.
Yeah, it's literally what we've been saying for years and years.
It's pretty normal for us.
- (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL) - You know, it would have taken me twenty minutes at least to dress that deer, - and I only had a few calories left - Whoa.
and I was like I have to get back to the cabin I cannot believe that so many women are still using the hashtag metoo.
- Well yes.
- Oh you just noticed that.
Oh wow, that's interesting.
I mean, we're not talking about a couple of women, we're talking about millions.
- There's a lot of women on the planet.
- Yeah that's kind of how life is for a lot of the people - (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL) - Wait a minute, that means that almost every woman has experienced harassment because she's a woman.
- That is incredible insight.
- Wow, you really cracked the case there.
We're going to tweet about this, that's what we're going to do.
JENNIFER: Oh, okay, well.
You know, it's funny I never thought about trying to change - Think about changing anything.
- Yeah, he's sending a message.
- (PHONE CHIMING) - And fixed it.
- (DRAMATIC INSTRUMENTAL) - I was like Larry, he's just, he's such a nice guy, I just thought, oh, he'll be more empathetic, just, gosh, this is so disappointing, you know, when someone's privilege stops them from understanding the struggle that you've been living with for years.
- Yeah, no idea what that's like.
- That must be really hard for you.
You must be struggling.
Open your eyes, am I right? See other people.
- Yeah.
- Really.
- Other people have different experiences than you.
- Right? Exactly.
Imagine what it would be like to be different.
- Yeah, tell it, sis.
- Yeah.
I can't, okay.
- Yeah you can't.
- Great chats.
HUSBAND: Husband and wife.
WIFE: Yeah, can you put me down, you're going to smack on my elbows.
I'm carrying you over the threshold.
I see the struggle in your face.
- I love you.
- I love you, you're so sweet.
Can we shut the door, don't - I'll get it with my foot and done.
- I missed it.
I missed.
I got it.
- This is sexy, right? - Just put me down.
Don't throw me on the bed! Don't throw me on the bed! WIFE: Oh, God! Are you okay? - Go take your shoes off.
- Okay, I will.
HUSBAND: I'm going to get so naked for you.
WIFE: I haven't seen that in seven years.
- Oh God, do I have something in my nose? - Yeah.
Did I get it? Is it out? - Nope.
- Why is that taking so long? It's double knotted.
- Push on me.
- You pull from the bottom, and I'll push from the top.
It's almost there, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull, pull! - Yes! - Yes! Okay, next one.
Rodney, I've got a little treat for you.
- What? - What have you always wanted? For you to be nicer? - Talking dirty.
- Talking dirty, that's what I want.
I'm nervous.
I love you.
Okay here we go, you're my n naughty husband.
Yeah.
And I'm gonna I have a lot of pins in my hair.
Okay, Mom.
Oh there's so many in here.
He's here, say hello.
Hi.
Okay, Mom we're trying to have sex, okay, bye.
Ready for a little striptease? Oh, yes I am.
Can you give me some beats? And what do you feel like, country or like Just, let's stop the strip 'til the pantyhose are off.
Can you help me? I'm wearing Spanx, don't look.
I've seen everything before.
I need to get out of the dress, just help me with the dress.
Okay, huh, huh, huh.
- I lost another nail.
- It's tighter - I lost another nail.
- It's tighter than it looks.
- It's coming I think.
- I feel like it is coming.
It's moving.
I love my wife, I love - Oh love, I have to pee.
- Okay.
I'm still horny.
HUSBAND: Me too! This is working.
- I feel like we're close.
- Mhm.
Do you want to flip me over? Yes, okay, oh, it's one, two, three.
Oh my gosh, your uncle Jeff just gave us 300 dollars.
(GASPS) Uncle Jeff, yes! Yes.
Nice! Did you want a chip? Yeah.
Read to me.
Read them out loud.
- Okay.
- Your bond in marriage is a precious gift from God, ew.
- I love you.
- I love you.
- You're my husband.
- And you're my wife.
- (IN FUNNY VOICE) So exciting.
- You're so nice.
I just feel like it's not going to happen.
- Not going to happen tonight.
- No.
No.
(IN UNISON) Thelma and Louise road trip, woohoo! - Yes, okay, all right.
- Okay.
Bags packed, check.
Okay good, full tank of gas, check.
Cooler full of beer, check.
Easy access snacks, check.
Feminine products, check.
Twizzlers for when you get angry, check.
- Vibrator, check.
- Two pairs of sunglasses, check.
Mixed tape for later, check.
Back up music 'cause your mixes are bad, check.
Fully charged cell phone, check.
Two chocolate puddings, check.
Flask for later, check.
- Did we lock the house? - Check.
- Windows closed? - Check.
- Made the bed? - Check.
- Floor washed? - Check.
- Cat fed? - Check.
- Extra cat food in the bowl? - Check.
- GPS system.
- Check.
Sleeping bags in the trunk, check.
Ask the neighbours to pick up the mail, check.
Left an office reply on, check.
- Joints for later.
- (IN UNISON) Check.
- Do you want to just hot box the car? - Hang out in the car? Yeah, let's hot box the car.
I mean, a road trip would have been fun but I'm just going to get these open and Let's just admit who we are.
Yeah.
Exactly.
I'm just amazed that I have to point it out.
- I know, it is surprising.
- Yes.
But you'd be surprised what comes across our - Hi.
- Hello.
- You wanted to see me? - Yes Paula, please sit down.
Okay.
LINDA: So I have asked Calinda from legal to join us.
Hello.
Am I in trouble? Um It's about your scrunchie.
(SCOFFS) My scrunchie? What were you thinking? PAULA: I wasn't really thinking, I mean, it's comfy.
LINDA: God, so is underwear with shit stains on it, we don't all wear those to work I'm sorry.
Oh, oh okay, I think I can clear this up.
Scrunchies are back in style.
- Legally speaking scrunchies were never in style.
- Yeah, no.
Actually, they're called hair clouds now.
- (GAGGING) - That's not helping.
- Okay, listen Patty.
- Paula.
Paula, HR has received a number of complaints, and your - scrunchie is triggering the rest of the office.
- Yes.
Okay, the rest of the office or just Linda, 'cause, you know, Linda's triggered by a lot of stuff.
We are not free to discuss or share who was triggered, but rest assured more than one person was.
- It wasn't just Linda.
- It wasn't just Linda.
Okay, well I just wonder how anyone, including Linda, could be triggered by this.
I mean, it's a piece of elastic with fabric around it.
It's a peachy abomination! Mon-i-ca.
I'm so sorry.
CALINDA: Okay, Penny.
- Paula.
- Paula.
- It's your level of judgement that we're concerned about.
- Yes.
I mean, today you're wearing a scrunchie, tomorrow you're wearing a Von Dutch hat and sweat pants with writing on the butt.
I'm not a bad person.
Legally you are if you have writing on your butt.
LINDA: Paula, I think you know what has to happen now.
(SIGHS) Okay, I'm sorry that my scrunchie was triggering to people in the office.
- Thank you.
- Stop it.
And I will remove it.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
That's it.
(SENSUAL INSTRUMENTAL) Whoa your hair.
I'm sorry, it's incredible, it's really something else.
LINDA: It's so good.
- CALINDA: It's so good.
- It's so good.
- It's so very, very good.
- Can you just can you just? - Yeah.
- Oh my oh my, hello! Yes! It's a lot to take in.
PAULA: Guys, you can have this hair too, it's actually the scrunchie.
I saw this Youtube tutorial, if you put one in when your hair is damp, when you take it out, it looks like this.
- CALINDA: Really? - Yeah.
Oh another little tip for ya, when you're done, if you put the scrunchie on your wrist like this - No, no! - Ugh.
Good lord, you look like a clown in a sleeveless shirt, my eyes! LINDA: It's not cool, you are fired, - you are fired.
- Really? - Yes.
- Yeah, get out of here.
Get out.
CALINDA: You need to take that off your wrist before the rest of the office sees.
Linda is going to freak Ahhhhhhhh! Look at it.
Ahhhhhhhh! Ahhhhhhhh! It's like the devil's cervix! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh And now there's just one more store I'm not allowed to go into.
No at all.
- Yeah, isn't that crazy? - Mm.
- Hey, are you okay? - Hm? Yeah, yeah I'm okay, I just, I'm feeling like, uh, just a bit hot, is it hot in here? No, I'm perfect.
Really? In that turtleneck? I'm actually a little chilly.
Wow.
Maybe I'm coming down with something and I just, uh Maybe it's perimenopause.
- (DRAMATIC CHORDS) - You think? I don't know, is it? - I don't know, is it? - (SUSPENSEFUL INSTRUMENTAL) Uh - No.
- No.
- I still wear a jean jacket.
- Yeah.
I still drink out of a mason jar.
But you're hot for no reason, so is it? - Is it? - Is it? No.
Maybe? Fuck.
Have you read this? Ah, I don't know, I, I can't remember.
You can't remember? It's a whole book, how can you not remember reading a book? Oh, unless it's perimenopause, is it? No, is it? - I mean, it can't be.
- No it can't be - But is it? - Is it? I don't know, I I still get acne.
I - Yeah.
- I have a snowboard.
It can't be.
- No.
- There's no way.
No it's not.
(IN UNISON) Is it? (LIVELY INSTRUMENTAL) - Hey.
- Hi.
Oh, those are super cute sunglasses.
- Are they? - Yeah they are really Ah! Jesus! Well I don't even know why I did that.
Sorry.
Oh, is it perimenopause? No.
(IN UNISON) Is it? Is it perimenopause? I don't know.
Do you have more underarm hair? My armpit hair got a lot thicker.
Or was that on my chin? Oh God.
Is it perimenopause? I don't know.
Well you should know, you're my mother.
I think it is.
- It is? - Is it? I'm the baby of the family though.
- You are? - Am I? Oh, sweetie.
Mommy.
Have you talked to a doctor? I can't sleep.
I I'm hot all the time.
My moods are up and down.
I like, burst into tears for absolutely no reason, like is it, um, is it perimenopause? Oh, I don't know, is it? What do you mean? You're you're my doctor.
What Oh it could be, there's not really much research.
I mean, who really cares, right? But the one thing we do know is that it can last up to ten years.
- Ten years? - Or more.
- What? - Or less.
I don't know what else to tell ya.
I I don't know, how 'bout like maybe you just tell me what's going on with my body, like, anything, is that is that too unreasonable a request? Yes, it is, definitely.
Hello everybody.
Welcome, very excited to have you here.
Ah, yes, before we dive in, the creative writing faculty has asked me to clear up a pressing issue from last term.
Due to a frankly unbelievable surplus we will no longer be accepting short stories about any of the following: divorce, ships, wealthy young people suffering from unexplained malaise, extramarital affairs, Joseph Campbell as his own narrator, the concept of time as it relates to being a bored male poet, anachronistically working in a video rental store, being a writer, loveless marriage, or grad school.
Okay? (MURMURING) You can of course, you know, write about any other subject.
The world's your oyster.
Nobody has any short stories about literally any other subject? Great.
- Yes? - Hi, um, does that also include stories of couples staving off divorce when non-monogamy? - 100% yes.
- STUDENT: Oh.
'Cause there's there's nothing else, no other genres? Didn't realize that was such a, you know, try sci-fi, people poo-poo it, but it's pretty exciting.
I've written a collection of short stories.
But nobody's read that.
Okay, let's shake it off, here's a fun game I love to play.
- Okay.
All right.
- Okay.
You can tell what people are binge watching by what they're wearing.
- Oh, interesting.
- Check it out.
Okay, Nicole from HR, Game of Thrones.
DENISE: Yes, winter is coming.
CAROLYN: Elise from accounting, Handmaid's Tale.
Hm, possibly.
Delaney from shipping and receiving, Orange is the New Black.
That's fabulous.
Alexia from marketing up there, Grey's Anatomy.
People still watch that? - Apparently, yeah.
- Huh, okay.
And, uh, Tara just behind that bush, Planet Earth.
DENISE: Oh that's good.
Yeah, wow.
I've never seen that show.
- Um - Don't make eye contact.
(GROWLING) - She's got meat in her mouth.
- No, stop looking at her.
- I can't stop looking.
- Denise, honestly, stop looking at her.
I can't though because she's got the meat hanging out of her mouth.
CAROLYN: What are you doing? Avert your eyes.
I can't look away.
I can't! - Denise, I said avert your eyes! - I can't I just - (GROWLING) - Ah!! Ah!! Oh my God.
Oh my God! This usually calms her down, there you go, that calms her down.
- That calms her down.
- DENISE: Usually? CAROLYN: Yeah, there you go.
And I didn't think I'd want to see Come From Away, - but it was really good.
- MURIEL: I thought it was so great.
I know, I just thought what is it the grammar, I don't understand.
What does come from away mean? I never go to see live theatre Oh, uh oh.
Oh, I think they want us to go.
CAROLYN: What, really? Oh, I'm sorry did you Did you want us to, um, did you want us to leave? Oh we're closing up so But no rush but - Oh okay.
- We'll be closing up.
Okay, thank you.
So? She said, no rush, it's fine.
Anyway, it was shocking to me that somebody wouldn't even Okay, okay that's the music.
(STUTTERS) That's a hint, they want us to get going, so let's settle up, let's settle up.
No, you're being paranoid, we're having fun, come on.
Excuse me, my friend thinks you're trying to rush us out of here.
Really I I don't know what would give you that idea.
CAROLYN: That's so silly.
Do you think I could have a peek at the dessert menu? You want me to ask the kitchen if they're doing dessert at one in the morning? Just want to take a peek at the menu.
I mean I don't So I'll go.
Just a boo, just a quick boo, I want to take a quick boo.
I mean, I did want another glass of wine, but I'll have dessert and I'll move onto tea, maybe a chamomile.
What? No dessert, let's finish our drinks and then go.
- No, we're having so much fun.
- (VACUUM WHIRRING) MURIEL: Come on, they don't want us here.
No, of course they do, it's the service industry, they're here to serve us.
- That feels unequal.
- Does it? - And kind of classist frankly.
- Classist, who are you? The kitchen couldn't provide a dessert menu, but I found this perfectly good cake that they were about to throw out, so I saved it for the two of you, free of charge.
Oh, thank you.
SERVER: There you go.
- - CAROLYN: Wow.
Okay, read that.
It's a joke, Muriel! It's a joke, look she brought it over, this is what kitchen people do.
It's not a joke.
Look, this is funny, this is funny.
- I love it.
- I think you're putting We're going to give them a good 15%, okay? I, listen, I'm so sorry, if there's anything we can do.
I just, what's happening? Uh oh.
Oh my God, it's like a Greek wedding.
Oh put me down, put me down, put me down.
CAROLYN: They're just vacuuming.
Okay, you know what? (STUTTERS) I am so sorry, I'm not like her.
I was you.
I was you, honestly I did this job.
I'm sorry.
Take everything I have, just just take take What? Oh.
Woohoo! I'm just gonna leave that there for you.
Oh this is fun, I love this place.
Do you make an Irish coffee? Actually, I'd love a tiramisu or like a dolce de leche.
This is fun, oh, you missed a spot.
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh CAROLYN: Is it Jethro Tull or Jethro Tool? Do you guys know a guy named Paul Adams? - Paul Adams.
- Yeah, why? Oh God, what did he do? Oh was it bad? Oh no, how bad was it? Like was it getting fired from his job bad, or like don't talk to him at parties anymore bad? JENNIFER: Oh, like deleting him on Facebook bad, or blocking him on Facebook bad? CAROLYN: Was it like warn your friends quietly bad, or like denounce him in a public statement? Oh my God! I went on two dates with him back in the day.
I had no idea.
You just can't tell these days, you just never know.
No, it's like every day is a fresh nightmare.
What is going on with men? Guys, wow, chill.
I just was wondering if you've rented his cottage out in the summer.
(IN UNISON) Ooh.
- Yeah, he does.
- Oh that's fantastic.
I mean, I'd never go there alone with everybody.
- Oh no no no.
- My God, no.
No.
No.
(SOFT LIVELY MUSIC) Oh fuck, fuck.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Fuck, oh fuck it, ow, fuck.
Just, ah fuuuuck! Arrgggh, fuck.
- Ah, fuck! - What the fuck? - Ah fuck.
- Oh, fuuuck.
- Ow! Fuckety fuck fuck.
- Oh fuck.
- Oh fuck.
- Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! Ahhhhhhhh! Fuuuuuuck! (BOOM) Shit.
Oh.
Yeah.
- (SUSPENSEFUL INSTRUMENTAL) - (DISPATCH CHATTER) You pulled me out of my kid's dance recital, this better be worth it.
It is, but I got to warn you it's, uh, messy.
Forensics called in their spatter expert.
- (SIGHS) All right.
- Yeah.
(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) Ugh, my God.
What kind of monster would do this? (DRAMATIC CHORDS) SPATTER EXPERT: Judging by the angle and the spray of the pattern, who Jackson Pollock'd all over the toilet seat, did a low squat.
The perp had to go real bad and didn't care about the next person that had to use the stall.
Is there any chance it's spray back from the toilet flush? (CHUCKLES) Well, that's what the victim's hoping.
It was pee.
I sat in a stranger's pee.
(SOBBING) All right, what do you think? - Does this match the other scenes? - Fits the profile.
So we're dealing with a serial pisser, damn it.
All right, what's the profile on the perp so far? Female, 15-65, probably white, definitely entitled, strong thighs, poor aim, powerful stream, and I'd say judging by the colour of the pee, slightly dehydrated.
Well in this city that could be anybody.
The good news is she's a creature of habit, so - She'll be back.
- Mhm.
Nice work, PSI.
There we go, we're doing really well at that.
- All right let's go! - (SUSPENSEFUL INSTRUMENTAL) Got a 20 on a possible suspect.
Feet up everyone.
Feet up! CAPTAIN: We've got our sights on her.
She's in.
- (STREAMING PEE) - (SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC) - (TOILET FLUSHING) - Go go go go.
(SUSPENSEFUL INSTRUMENTAL) - What's all this? - DET.
HARDCRACK: Well well well.
What? Your days of pissing on toilet seats are over.
I didn't do anything wrong.
Toilet seats are filled with disease, what is it? - Who are these people? - Ah, you monster! Put down paper or at least wipe up after yourself! You know, no one ever died from sitting on a toilet seat, nobody ever died! CAPTAIN: Hey hey, forget it Hardcrack, where she's going, none of the toilets have seats.
Are you serious? I'm going to jail for this? - Let's move out! - Yeah but where are you taking me? Good work.
Do you know how many privacy laws you've just broken?