Black-ish (2014) s02e18 Episode Script
Black Nanny
Raising four kids requires the parents to be a perfectly coordinated team, and Bow and I are on point.
We have it down.
Mm! Or we did.
Lately, we've been slipping and slipping and slipping.
Hey, it's your mother's fault.
She ironed that shirt.
Dre, you do the ironing.
I'm his father.
He looks up to me.
He doesn't need to know that I'm a grown man who can't iron.
Well, I'm not killing it, either.
Hmm? Jack's lunch almost gave him AIDS.
Damn.
And, you know, I know we've gone round and round on this, - but, Dre - Hmm? We need a nanny.
What? No.
- Yeah.
- No.
No, black people don't get nannies, all right? - Ohh! - That's some white [bleep.]
Okay, well, Dre, then you're gonna need to put down that Asian pear and stop listening to Kenny G and get rid of your neti pot.
I knew one day you were gonna use my neti pot against me.
It's got to go.
Look, Bow, I'm just not feeling this whole nanny idea, all right? That's not how I was raised.
My mother She did not use a nanny.
That's 'cause she had grannies and aunties and Yaya and Tata Titi.
All right, she's called Titi.
- Okay.
- And that's different.
They're family.
I would love to depend on our family, but your mom has fallen in love with this younger man - Ohh.
- and so she's always gone.
And then there's your dad who's on a constant turnaround to Vegas.
I'm just saying I'm not cool with strangers raising my kids.
But you are cool with countless babysitters and endless after-school programs and the fact that we started using Uber way before we should have.
Take the Cahuenga Pass.
The 101 is a bear.
So, what was I supposed to do bring them to the Mayweather-Ortiz fight? Uh, hello! Doesn't anybody do a head count around here? You never notice how many white vans there are until you have to walk home by yourself.
I thought I brought her home already.
We need a nanny.
So for class president, vote for the one that rhymes with "best" Susie Kwest.
Thanks, friends! Well, she's got my vote.
What? She's running against me.
Like I said, she's got my vote.
She seems so sweet.
Sweet?! I'll show you losers sweet.
Oh, hello, friends.
Sorry, I didn't see you.
I was just hugging my brother.
Vote for me for this largely symbolic office.
Paid for by the Committee to Elect Diane Johnson.
Are you trying to lose? You don't have a nanny? Mnh-mnh.
Then how in God's name have you been raising your 10 kids? Four kids.
I'm your boss.
I'll tell you how many damn kids you have.
Uh Dre, you totally have to get a nanny.
When I become a mom, I'm gonna have one.
Whoa, wait, are you pregnant, or or planning on it? Because legally, you are required to disclose that in your interview.
Actually, that's illegal, as are my weekly weigh-ins.
Interesting.
Lucy, um, unrelated, go pee in a cup for me.
Uh, Josh, do the same thing so it looks fair.
- Sure thing, boss.
- Pee on your own time.
Copy.
Point is, Dre, nannies are essential, okay? Mine's been with me since my first child was born.
Later, she became my wife, and now she's my nanny again, post-divorce.
She's my rock.
Definitely some white [bleep.]
Fo' sho.
- No, it's not.
- No, it is not.
My kids are grown, and I still keep two nannies.
- Hmm? - One because she's my Spades partner, and the other one 'cause, uh she's got some photos.
- What? Oh.
- Hmm.
Now, uh, Dre, in your nanny search, you're gonna want someone who's hardworking.
Meaning foreigner.
Exactly, like a gal from Trinidad.
Ah, but not Tobago.
No, Tobagans are not to be trusted, no, no.
Oh, especially with a camera.
No, no.
Okay, not to slow down our island-defaming rant that's only slightly less racist than our Turks and Caicos run Don't you bring up those damn Caikens! Why'd you bring up the Caikens? - I'm just trying to - You know that's a sore spot.
- Lucy, that's a total trigger.
- Okay.
Okay, so, I've created a campaign ad that goes more with your personality mean old lady in a small girl's body.
Susie Kwest wears the same khakis every day and uses Febreze instead of washing them.
If Susie can't change her clothes, how can we trust her to change our school? Vote Diane Johnson.
Fresh clothes.
Fresh choice.
Ba-bing, ba-bang.
Wow.
If I knew how, I'd cry.
So it didn't matter what I thought.
We were getting a nanny.
Bow had set up a ton of interviews, but none felt right.
From British au pair to mannys, which, for obvious reasons, shouldn't exist.
- There was one that seemed promising.
- No.
But Bow didn't think so.
- Probably for the best.
- Hmm.
Dre It's one more interview, and I have a really good feeling about this one.
Oh.
Hi.
I'm Dre.
Hi.
I'm Vivian.
Hi.
Rainbow.
Hi, Rainbow.
- Oh.
Yeah.
- Excuse us.
Uh, Bow, can I talk to you for a second? - Okay.
- I know what you're trying to do.
You think I'm gonna like her because she's black.
Dre, you can just say the word.
Black.
- Black.
- Yes.
Okay.
Well, aren't you always saying, "Bow, we got to be down with our hood and look out for our own.
" That sounds nothing like me.
And no matter how black she is, we don't need a nanny.
This is a beautiful house with amazing acoustics, which you probably know because we can hear each other perfectly.
Uh-uh.
Oh.
So you could Well, you Yeah, good thing I didn't say anything about those boots.
So, I have 10 years experience.
- And I love to cook.
I cook a lot.
- Oh.
And I always felt comfortable in the kitchen.
So do I.
And in Hide-and-Go-Seek, I am a great hider - and terrible seeker.
- Oh, my God, yes.
The kids They're gonna love that, and especially because Dre always finds them right away.
What? Uh, am I supposed to not see the feet under the curtain? - Yes.
- Yes! Like, what? Like, doesn't even make sense.
Anyway, we want you to know that we're not looking for a housekeeper.
You're not gonna need to do any cooking.
No cleaning, nothing like that.
We want you to focus on the kids.
- Mm Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.
- I'm s No, no, no, no, no.
You work hard.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I should, too.
- Yes.
My job is to take care of this entire family, and that includes you.
Hmm.
Wait, so You're gonna You're gonna take care of me? Yes! And just like that, my black family had a black nanny.
- Aw! - Let me give you a hug.
- Too much too soon.
- Not right now, though.
Although Bow was in love with her, I still wasn't totally sure about black nanny.
Hey, Vivian.
We're we're home! Oh, my God, this place looks amazing! And look at that The kids, quiet, doing their homework.
And It's okay.
No big whoop.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey! Hello, bl nanny.
So, guys, huh, what do you think of the new nanny? I like Vivi a lot.
Me, too.
Like, a lot, a lot.
Like, if it was the end of the world and we were the only two people left, I would prefer it that way.
Okay, dinner is ready.
Kids, please go wash your hands.
- Okay.
- Okay.
And, you two, please get comfy.
- Oh, go sit down? - Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Shut the front door.
Okay.
Okay, I will.
Oh, my goodness.
I like this so much.
Okay, now, I DVRed the game for you.
But first Mmhmm.
- Oh, my g No way.
- here you go.
Mm-hmm.
No way.
Is that homemade mac and cheese? - Now, I use sharp cheddar - Mmm! Fontana, asiago, and let me see if you taste it.
Mmm! See if you taste the big dog.
Velveeta.
- Velveeta! - Velveeta! Mmm-mmm-mmm! Enjoy.
- Bow.
- Uh-huh? This is a big whoop.
- Oh.
- Whoop-whoop! You win, Bow.
I would say I'd eat my words, but I'm fulled up off of black nanny's delicious mac and cheese.
You know, Dre, I think you should stop calling her black nanny.
Don't you tell me what to do.
You know Hmm? I haven't felt this not tired in a long time.
I-I wonder what I should do with all this extra energy.
I think you should bring it to daddy 'Cause I'm naked from the waist down.
- What? - Come on.
Come on.
- Just roll over.
Roll over - Ohh! Whoop-whoop! Mmm! You better get a move on, Mr.
Dre.
Okay, here is your lunch, your second lunch - Oh.
- and your secret third lunch.
How'd you know? Bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh! I know that look.
Hmm? Looks like somebody got some on a weeknight.
Who, me? Yes, I sure did.
Good for you! It was.
It was very good for me.
Okay, h-hold on a second.
Are those Swarovski crystals? - Oh.
- Oh, I need these.
Okay, okay, well, can I keep these and you go get your own, maybe? Well, I guess so, if you want to be all stingy about it.
Let me see.
Wait, go like this.
Okay, kids, you ready for school? All right.
Time to make my move.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Thank you, girls.
Oh, hey, Vivian.
These munchkins Aren't they something? Vivi, I forgot to give a morning hug! Aw, come here, man-man! And what about big man? Morning hug.
Boy, please.
People are loving our ad.
Wow! Look at all these comments.
"Susie Kwest is a bleeping mess.
" I think you got this wrapped up.
Ugh, Susie tagged me in a new video.
- Here.
- What's that about? Uh Watch it, meatball head! W-W-W-W-W-Watch it, meatball head! Head Head Head Watch it, meatball head! Really? In my defense, kid's covered in marinara.
Gloves off? Duly noted, Susie.
We can empty our pockets, too.
So a knife fight? I was thinking stronger attack ads? That lead to a knife fight? You scare me.
- Hey.
- Huh? What are you doing? Um, I'm trying to clean up this mess before Vivi gets here.
I don't want her to know we're disgusting animals.
Dre, can I ask you a question? Sure.
Um, do you think that these pajamas are cute enough for when Vivi gets here? Because I have a cuter pair, but she's already seen me in them.
What do you think? Are they okay? So you changed out of pajamas into pajamas for her? Good morning! - Oh, hey! - Oh, hey.
Oh, cute PJs.
Thank you! Yes.
Mr.
Dre, more sneakers on your stoop.
Ah.
Ooh, it is like Christmas every day in here.
Oh, well It's like I get to work for the Diddys.
Well, technically, it would be the Combses.
Well, you sure are blessed.
God is good.
I wish I could get new sneakers every day.
Or at least once a year.
But they'd steal them as soon as UPS left them on my stoop, if I had a stoop.
Yeah.
Or a UPS man brave enough to come into my neighborhood.
Huh? Excuse me.
Black nanny's offhand remarks made me feel all weird inside.
It's white guilt, Dre.
But I'm black.
You have black white guilt, which is way worse because we went from being the help to having help.
What a world we live in.
I'll bet it's how Carlos Santana feels when he walks past day laborers at Home Depot.
Just looks away, pretends to be on his phone.
Or starts humming "Oye Como Va.
" Oh, that's my jam! Oye como va, uh-uh Something-something Oye como va Uh-uh-un Enchilada, da-da-da Okay, okay, so your advice to me is to hum a Carlos Santana song in front of my nanny.
Don't be ridiculous, Dre, okay? A culturally specific song you choose, okay? And I'm not gonna start talking black music with you here, Dre, 'cause we all know it's just derivative of Elvis.
So I devised a three-step plan to get rid of my white guilt.
Step one hide my stuff.
But some things were impossible to hide.
Damn! You got an S-Class and a G-Wagon? It was cheaper to buy them both.
Like, uh, buying two cases of Diet Coke.
I only ever had Shasta.
And my car got repoed.
But luckily for me, I still got my bus pass.
Uh-oh.
Mnh-mnh, it done expired.
Yeah.
Step two Walk out of the room whenever I started feeling sad.
So I told my sister, "6 bucks for a coffee?" Mm.
"Unh-unh, that's three dinners and a flu shot for my son.
" Ooh.
That's hard.
Damn.
Step three wasn't great.
Hey, Mr.
Dre.
Another day at golf, huh? We've been working on math all day.
Oye como va Something-something Oye como va Enchilada The more I was hiding my white guilt, the more Bow was showing her yellow ass.
- No one's ever done that? - No, because they don't You got to get in there 'cause these nails - That's what it does to you.
- Oh, it's so good.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Dre! Oh, my God, look, look, Vivi totally braided my hair.
Can you see? She put "Bow" in there.
- It's my name, babe.
Look at it.
- Yeah.
She makes the best cocktails.
It's got Champagne, tequila, and applesauce.
- Exactly.
- What? It really shouldn't work, but it just does.
Oh, wait.
You got to try it.
You got to try it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Try it, baby.
Come on.
She's just the best in the whole world.
Especially for someone who was an absolute stranger a week ago.
- I should get out, right? - Yep, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna get out of the tub.
- Yeah, I got you.
- Okay.
Okay, wait.
I'm a little tipsy.
What happened to the baby? I fell.
Aw, but I bet a kiss would make that boo-boo feel better, huh? Will you kiss my boo-boo? Everyone was loving the new reality in our house, except me.
I was stuck.
And then Black nanny's got to go.
So you want to fire black nanny? - Oh, yeah.
- Just the other day, you said "She is just the best in the whole world.
" That sounds nothing like me.
Yeah, okay.
Listen, I went down to that nail shop that Vivian recommended And then Vivian said the husband and wife get it in on the regular.
And when she washed their sheets, she said it looked filthier than a hot tub at Circus Circus.
What?! We had a wild night, but I mean, sure, yeah, we tried some things, but neither one of us was in any real danger.
Exactly.
She is literally airing our dirty laundry.
And it did not stop there, Dre.
The wife says her hair is naturally curly, and I guess it is if you call $700 worth of product natural.
Oh, you did not like that.
No, I did not.
We should have seen the warning signs.
If you're thinking of setting me up, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No Libras.
Gerome was a Libra.
- He spelled it with a "G" - Oh.
Which I thought was cute, right, but it just - It still didn't work.
- It didn't work.
He was an exterminator.
Had an exterminating business.
He was just so good.
You never know that that's gonna come in handy when you meet somebody, but you have to think about those things.
A lot of times, you know, we used to have these little fly traps.
Gerome would come in.
He would take those fly traps out.
He was a real man like that.
He was an October Libra, though.
They're later Late bloomers.
She has got to go.
- Yes, she has got to go.
- Mm-hmm.
And I threw a $1,500 pair of shoes into a hot oven because of my white guilt.
You're still spending that much money on shoes? Bow, I'm gonna need you to stay on point, okay? 'Cause right now we need to fire black nanny.
Black nanny.
Yes.
They're getting rid of my Vivi? Why, God, why? Well, at least we'll always have the burn ward.
And that time we were behind her going up the stairs.
Oh, yeah! So, we're gonna say Susie Kwest wets the bed? Did we fact-check this? Who cares? Meatball Gate really put us in a hole, and if we do this, there is no way she can recover.
Really? She'll never recover? That's awful.
Let's do it.
All right, and posting it - Whoa! - I don't think so.
- What? - I have been watching you two.
This is wrong.
Diane, if you want to be class president, you need to be a leader, not a bully.
And, Zoey, you are too pretty to be mean.
Oh, thank you! No, not, "Thank you.
" Somebody is gonna whup that ass! And then what, huh? Now, come on.
Go.
And don't just do better.
Be better.
Go.
Vivian don't play.
Yeah, she even got through to me, and I'm broken inside.
Yeah.
How can we fire her when she's so good with our kids? Yeah, and it's not only the big stuff.
She got Jack to change his underwear three out of five days this week.
You're kidding me! So instead of kicking black nanny to the curb, we sat her down on the sofa and had a conversation we needed to have from the get-go.
Look, I'm going to be completely honest with you.
- Okay.
- When I first met you Mm-hmm I tripped over how black you are.
I know.
I-I-I remember.
Acoustics.
- Right.
Yes.
- Oh, yeah.
What I think Dre's trying to say is that we've never had a black person working in our house.
And I just felt so comfortable with you.
I felt like we were girlfriends.
No, and I felt the same way.
We Well, I didn't, you know.
- Okay.
- I felt hella uncomfortable.
- Mm-hmm.
What? - Because all my boxes of shoes and my two Benzes and my crazy jacket game - and my Sonicare and my neti pot.
- Okay, all right.
You don't have to feel guilty.
I admire how hard you work.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
I-I hope to ball out and and have what you do one day.
Well, that's probably not gonna happen.
- Dre.
- W-W-W-With hard work.
With hard work, it it it could happen.
- Yeah.
- And And a GED.
- Yeah.
- But anyway, you know, - the lines got a little blurred.
- Mm-hmm.
But moving forward, I have to be comfortable with who I am in my own house.
Yes, and I need to know that what happens at the Johnsons stays at the Johnsons.
- Mm-hmm.
Right here.
- No, I-I am so sorry.
I-I-I screwed up that whole nail-shop thing.
I almost felt like I was talking about my sister, - Yolanda, you know.
- Mm-hmm.
And And she had just asked me to pee in a cup for her for the third time.
- She She is a mess.
- Don't And And there I go again.
- Mm-hmm.
- I-I'm sorry.
You know what, let's just keep it professional.
- Agreed.
- Mm-hmm.
And to that point, if we are going to keep it professional, uh, Bow, I-I can't I can't be braiding your hair like that in the tub anymore.
No! I love it so much! Baby, she she wrote "Bow" in my hair.
- She wrote my name.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, baby - And the way she scratches my you need to let that go, okay? - You look crazy in braids.
- No, I don't.
Like Allen Iverson pretending to be a doctor.
Okay? The point is you are amazing with the babies.
You're amazing.
But this dynamic is is new for all of us, and and and we're gonna have to work on this together.
In the spirit of keeping it professional - Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, do you think that maybe you could stop calling me "black nanny"? Absolutely.
Absolutely.
And And And in that same spirit, can you please remind me what your real name is? I'm s Come on.
come on.
Ooh! The results are in! Okay, and the winner is Susie Kwest! I meant Susie Kwest! I'm sorry Diane.
It's not your fault, it's Vivian's.
We should've never taken our foot off Susie's throat.
Hi guys, how's it going? Oh it's going much better Now! - Did you win the election? - No! But the real win is going to bed with a clear conscience.
Thanks again for your advice Vivian! You're welcome Diane!
We have it down.
Mm! Or we did.
Lately, we've been slipping and slipping and slipping.
Hey, it's your mother's fault.
She ironed that shirt.
Dre, you do the ironing.
I'm his father.
He looks up to me.
He doesn't need to know that I'm a grown man who can't iron.
Well, I'm not killing it, either.
Hmm? Jack's lunch almost gave him AIDS.
Damn.
And, you know, I know we've gone round and round on this, - but, Dre - Hmm? We need a nanny.
What? No.
- Yeah.
- No.
No, black people don't get nannies, all right? - Ohh! - That's some white [bleep.]
Okay, well, Dre, then you're gonna need to put down that Asian pear and stop listening to Kenny G and get rid of your neti pot.
I knew one day you were gonna use my neti pot against me.
It's got to go.
Look, Bow, I'm just not feeling this whole nanny idea, all right? That's not how I was raised.
My mother She did not use a nanny.
That's 'cause she had grannies and aunties and Yaya and Tata Titi.
All right, she's called Titi.
- Okay.
- And that's different.
They're family.
I would love to depend on our family, but your mom has fallen in love with this younger man - Ohh.
- and so she's always gone.
And then there's your dad who's on a constant turnaround to Vegas.
I'm just saying I'm not cool with strangers raising my kids.
But you are cool with countless babysitters and endless after-school programs and the fact that we started using Uber way before we should have.
Take the Cahuenga Pass.
The 101 is a bear.
So, what was I supposed to do bring them to the Mayweather-Ortiz fight? Uh, hello! Doesn't anybody do a head count around here? You never notice how many white vans there are until you have to walk home by yourself.
I thought I brought her home already.
We need a nanny.
So for class president, vote for the one that rhymes with "best" Susie Kwest.
Thanks, friends! Well, she's got my vote.
What? She's running against me.
Like I said, she's got my vote.
She seems so sweet.
Sweet?! I'll show you losers sweet.
Oh, hello, friends.
Sorry, I didn't see you.
I was just hugging my brother.
Vote for me for this largely symbolic office.
Paid for by the Committee to Elect Diane Johnson.
Are you trying to lose? You don't have a nanny? Mnh-mnh.
Then how in God's name have you been raising your 10 kids? Four kids.
I'm your boss.
I'll tell you how many damn kids you have.
Uh Dre, you totally have to get a nanny.
When I become a mom, I'm gonna have one.
Whoa, wait, are you pregnant, or or planning on it? Because legally, you are required to disclose that in your interview.
Actually, that's illegal, as are my weekly weigh-ins.
Interesting.
Lucy, um, unrelated, go pee in a cup for me.
Uh, Josh, do the same thing so it looks fair.
- Sure thing, boss.
- Pee on your own time.
Copy.
Point is, Dre, nannies are essential, okay? Mine's been with me since my first child was born.
Later, she became my wife, and now she's my nanny again, post-divorce.
She's my rock.
Definitely some white [bleep.]
Fo' sho.
- No, it's not.
- No, it is not.
My kids are grown, and I still keep two nannies.
- Hmm? - One because she's my Spades partner, and the other one 'cause, uh she's got some photos.
- What? Oh.
- Hmm.
Now, uh, Dre, in your nanny search, you're gonna want someone who's hardworking.
Meaning foreigner.
Exactly, like a gal from Trinidad.
Ah, but not Tobago.
No, Tobagans are not to be trusted, no, no.
Oh, especially with a camera.
No, no.
Okay, not to slow down our island-defaming rant that's only slightly less racist than our Turks and Caicos run Don't you bring up those damn Caikens! Why'd you bring up the Caikens? - I'm just trying to - You know that's a sore spot.
- Lucy, that's a total trigger.
- Okay.
Okay, so, I've created a campaign ad that goes more with your personality mean old lady in a small girl's body.
Susie Kwest wears the same khakis every day and uses Febreze instead of washing them.
If Susie can't change her clothes, how can we trust her to change our school? Vote Diane Johnson.
Fresh clothes.
Fresh choice.
Ba-bing, ba-bang.
Wow.
If I knew how, I'd cry.
So it didn't matter what I thought.
We were getting a nanny.
Bow had set up a ton of interviews, but none felt right.
From British au pair to mannys, which, for obvious reasons, shouldn't exist.
- There was one that seemed promising.
- No.
But Bow didn't think so.
- Probably for the best.
- Hmm.
Dre It's one more interview, and I have a really good feeling about this one.
Oh.
Hi.
I'm Dre.
Hi.
I'm Vivian.
Hi.
Rainbow.
Hi, Rainbow.
- Oh.
Yeah.
- Excuse us.
Uh, Bow, can I talk to you for a second? - Okay.
- I know what you're trying to do.
You think I'm gonna like her because she's black.
Dre, you can just say the word.
Black.
- Black.
- Yes.
Okay.
Well, aren't you always saying, "Bow, we got to be down with our hood and look out for our own.
" That sounds nothing like me.
And no matter how black she is, we don't need a nanny.
This is a beautiful house with amazing acoustics, which you probably know because we can hear each other perfectly.
Uh-uh.
Oh.
So you could Well, you Yeah, good thing I didn't say anything about those boots.
So, I have 10 years experience.
- And I love to cook.
I cook a lot.
- Oh.
And I always felt comfortable in the kitchen.
So do I.
And in Hide-and-Go-Seek, I am a great hider - and terrible seeker.
- Oh, my God, yes.
The kids They're gonna love that, and especially because Dre always finds them right away.
What? Uh, am I supposed to not see the feet under the curtain? - Yes.
- Yes! Like, what? Like, doesn't even make sense.
Anyway, we want you to know that we're not looking for a housekeeper.
You're not gonna need to do any cooking.
No cleaning, nothing like that.
We want you to focus on the kids.
- Mm Mnh-mnh, mnh-mnh.
- I'm s No, no, no, no, no.
You work hard.
- Okay.
- Mm-hmm.
- And I should, too.
- Yes.
My job is to take care of this entire family, and that includes you.
Hmm.
Wait, so You're gonna You're gonna take care of me? Yes! And just like that, my black family had a black nanny.
- Aw! - Let me give you a hug.
- Too much too soon.
- Not right now, though.
Although Bow was in love with her, I still wasn't totally sure about black nanny.
Hey, Vivian.
We're we're home! Oh, my God, this place looks amazing! And look at that The kids, quiet, doing their homework.
And It's okay.
No big whoop.
- Hey, guys.
- Hey! Hello, bl nanny.
So, guys, huh, what do you think of the new nanny? I like Vivi a lot.
Me, too.
Like, a lot, a lot.
Like, if it was the end of the world and we were the only two people left, I would prefer it that way.
Okay, dinner is ready.
Kids, please go wash your hands.
- Okay.
- Okay.
And, you two, please get comfy.
- Oh, go sit down? - Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
- Shut the front door.
Okay.
Okay, I will.
Oh, my goodness.
I like this so much.
Okay, now, I DVRed the game for you.
But first Mmhmm.
- Oh, my g No way.
- here you go.
Mm-hmm.
No way.
Is that homemade mac and cheese? - Now, I use sharp cheddar - Mmm! Fontana, asiago, and let me see if you taste it.
Mmm! See if you taste the big dog.
Velveeta.
- Velveeta! - Velveeta! Mmm-mmm-mmm! Enjoy.
- Bow.
- Uh-huh? This is a big whoop.
- Oh.
- Whoop-whoop! You win, Bow.
I would say I'd eat my words, but I'm fulled up off of black nanny's delicious mac and cheese.
You know, Dre, I think you should stop calling her black nanny.
Don't you tell me what to do.
You know Hmm? I haven't felt this not tired in a long time.
I-I wonder what I should do with all this extra energy.
I think you should bring it to daddy 'Cause I'm naked from the waist down.
- What? - Come on.
Come on.
- Just roll over.
Roll over - Ohh! Whoop-whoop! Mmm! You better get a move on, Mr.
Dre.
Okay, here is your lunch, your second lunch - Oh.
- and your secret third lunch.
How'd you know? Bye.
Bye-bye.
Oh! I know that look.
Hmm? Looks like somebody got some on a weeknight.
Who, me? Yes, I sure did.
Good for you! It was.
It was very good for me.
Okay, h-hold on a second.
Are those Swarovski crystals? - Oh.
- Oh, I need these.
Okay, okay, well, can I keep these and you go get your own, maybe? Well, I guess so, if you want to be all stingy about it.
Let me see.
Wait, go like this.
Okay, kids, you ready for school? All right.
Time to make my move.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
Thank you, girls.
Oh, hey, Vivian.
These munchkins Aren't they something? Vivi, I forgot to give a morning hug! Aw, come here, man-man! And what about big man? Morning hug.
Boy, please.
People are loving our ad.
Wow! Look at all these comments.
"Susie Kwest is a bleeping mess.
" I think you got this wrapped up.
Ugh, Susie tagged me in a new video.
- Here.
- What's that about? Uh Watch it, meatball head! W-W-W-W-W-Watch it, meatball head! Head Head Head Watch it, meatball head! Really? In my defense, kid's covered in marinara.
Gloves off? Duly noted, Susie.
We can empty our pockets, too.
So a knife fight? I was thinking stronger attack ads? That lead to a knife fight? You scare me.
- Hey.
- Huh? What are you doing? Um, I'm trying to clean up this mess before Vivi gets here.
I don't want her to know we're disgusting animals.
Dre, can I ask you a question? Sure.
Um, do you think that these pajamas are cute enough for when Vivi gets here? Because I have a cuter pair, but she's already seen me in them.
What do you think? Are they okay? So you changed out of pajamas into pajamas for her? Good morning! - Oh, hey! - Oh, hey.
Oh, cute PJs.
Thank you! Yes.
Mr.
Dre, more sneakers on your stoop.
Ah.
Ooh, it is like Christmas every day in here.
Oh, well It's like I get to work for the Diddys.
Well, technically, it would be the Combses.
Well, you sure are blessed.
God is good.
I wish I could get new sneakers every day.
Or at least once a year.
But they'd steal them as soon as UPS left them on my stoop, if I had a stoop.
Yeah.
Or a UPS man brave enough to come into my neighborhood.
Huh? Excuse me.
Black nanny's offhand remarks made me feel all weird inside.
It's white guilt, Dre.
But I'm black.
You have black white guilt, which is way worse because we went from being the help to having help.
What a world we live in.
I'll bet it's how Carlos Santana feels when he walks past day laborers at Home Depot.
Just looks away, pretends to be on his phone.
Or starts humming "Oye Como Va.
" Oh, that's my jam! Oye como va, uh-uh Something-something Oye como va Uh-uh-un Enchilada, da-da-da Okay, okay, so your advice to me is to hum a Carlos Santana song in front of my nanny.
Don't be ridiculous, Dre, okay? A culturally specific song you choose, okay? And I'm not gonna start talking black music with you here, Dre, 'cause we all know it's just derivative of Elvis.
So I devised a three-step plan to get rid of my white guilt.
Step one hide my stuff.
But some things were impossible to hide.
Damn! You got an S-Class and a G-Wagon? It was cheaper to buy them both.
Like, uh, buying two cases of Diet Coke.
I only ever had Shasta.
And my car got repoed.
But luckily for me, I still got my bus pass.
Uh-oh.
Mnh-mnh, it done expired.
Yeah.
Step two Walk out of the room whenever I started feeling sad.
So I told my sister, "6 bucks for a coffee?" Mm.
"Unh-unh, that's three dinners and a flu shot for my son.
" Ooh.
That's hard.
Damn.
Step three wasn't great.
Hey, Mr.
Dre.
Another day at golf, huh? We've been working on math all day.
Oye como va Something-something Oye como va Enchilada The more I was hiding my white guilt, the more Bow was showing her yellow ass.
- No one's ever done that? - No, because they don't You got to get in there 'cause these nails - That's what it does to you.
- Oh, it's so good.
- Hey.
- Oh, hey, Dre! Oh, my God, look, look, Vivi totally braided my hair.
Can you see? She put "Bow" in there.
- It's my name, babe.
Look at it.
- Yeah.
She makes the best cocktails.
It's got Champagne, tequila, and applesauce.
- Exactly.
- What? It really shouldn't work, but it just does.
Oh, wait.
You got to try it.
You got to try it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Try it, baby.
Come on.
She's just the best in the whole world.
Especially for someone who was an absolute stranger a week ago.
- I should get out, right? - Yep, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'm gonna get out of the tub.
- Yeah, I got you.
- Okay.
Okay, wait.
I'm a little tipsy.
What happened to the baby? I fell.
Aw, but I bet a kiss would make that boo-boo feel better, huh? Will you kiss my boo-boo? Everyone was loving the new reality in our house, except me.
I was stuck.
And then Black nanny's got to go.
So you want to fire black nanny? - Oh, yeah.
- Just the other day, you said "She is just the best in the whole world.
" That sounds nothing like me.
Yeah, okay.
Listen, I went down to that nail shop that Vivian recommended And then Vivian said the husband and wife get it in on the regular.
And when she washed their sheets, she said it looked filthier than a hot tub at Circus Circus.
What?! We had a wild night, but I mean, sure, yeah, we tried some things, but neither one of us was in any real danger.
Exactly.
She is literally airing our dirty laundry.
And it did not stop there, Dre.
The wife says her hair is naturally curly, and I guess it is if you call $700 worth of product natural.
Oh, you did not like that.
No, I did not.
We should have seen the warning signs.
If you're thinking of setting me up, no.
No, no, no, no, no.
No Libras.
Gerome was a Libra.
- He spelled it with a "G" - Oh.
Which I thought was cute, right, but it just - It still didn't work.
- It didn't work.
He was an exterminator.
Had an exterminating business.
He was just so good.
You never know that that's gonna come in handy when you meet somebody, but you have to think about those things.
A lot of times, you know, we used to have these little fly traps.
Gerome would come in.
He would take those fly traps out.
He was a real man like that.
He was an October Libra, though.
They're later Late bloomers.
She has got to go.
- Yes, she has got to go.
- Mm-hmm.
And I threw a $1,500 pair of shoes into a hot oven because of my white guilt.
You're still spending that much money on shoes? Bow, I'm gonna need you to stay on point, okay? 'Cause right now we need to fire black nanny.
Black nanny.
Yes.
They're getting rid of my Vivi? Why, God, why? Well, at least we'll always have the burn ward.
And that time we were behind her going up the stairs.
Oh, yeah! So, we're gonna say Susie Kwest wets the bed? Did we fact-check this? Who cares? Meatball Gate really put us in a hole, and if we do this, there is no way she can recover.
Really? She'll never recover? That's awful.
Let's do it.
All right, and posting it - Whoa! - I don't think so.
- What? - I have been watching you two.
This is wrong.
Diane, if you want to be class president, you need to be a leader, not a bully.
And, Zoey, you are too pretty to be mean.
Oh, thank you! No, not, "Thank you.
" Somebody is gonna whup that ass! And then what, huh? Now, come on.
Go.
And don't just do better.
Be better.
Go.
Vivian don't play.
Yeah, she even got through to me, and I'm broken inside.
Yeah.
How can we fire her when she's so good with our kids? Yeah, and it's not only the big stuff.
She got Jack to change his underwear three out of five days this week.
You're kidding me! So instead of kicking black nanny to the curb, we sat her down on the sofa and had a conversation we needed to have from the get-go.
Look, I'm going to be completely honest with you.
- Okay.
- When I first met you Mm-hmm I tripped over how black you are.
I know.
I-I-I remember.
Acoustics.
- Right.
Yes.
- Oh, yeah.
What I think Dre's trying to say is that we've never had a black person working in our house.
And I just felt so comfortable with you.
I felt like we were girlfriends.
No, and I felt the same way.
We Well, I didn't, you know.
- Okay.
- I felt hella uncomfortable.
- Mm-hmm.
What? - Because all my boxes of shoes and my two Benzes and my crazy jacket game - and my Sonicare and my neti pot.
- Okay, all right.
You don't have to feel guilty.
I admire how hard you work.
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
I-I hope to ball out and and have what you do one day.
Well, that's probably not gonna happen.
- Dre.
- W-W-W-With hard work.
With hard work, it it it could happen.
- Yeah.
- And And a GED.
- Yeah.
- But anyway, you know, - the lines got a little blurred.
- Mm-hmm.
But moving forward, I have to be comfortable with who I am in my own house.
Yes, and I need to know that what happens at the Johnsons stays at the Johnsons.
- Mm-hmm.
Right here.
- No, I-I am so sorry.
I-I-I screwed up that whole nail-shop thing.
I almost felt like I was talking about my sister, - Yolanda, you know.
- Mm-hmm.
And And she had just asked me to pee in a cup for her for the third time.
- She She is a mess.
- Don't And And there I go again.
- Mm-hmm.
- I-I'm sorry.
You know what, let's just keep it professional.
- Agreed.
- Mm-hmm.
And to that point, if we are going to keep it professional, uh, Bow, I-I can't I can't be braiding your hair like that in the tub anymore.
No! I love it so much! Baby, she she wrote "Bow" in my hair.
- She wrote my name.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
- Okay, baby - And the way she scratches my you need to let that go, okay? - You look crazy in braids.
- No, I don't.
Like Allen Iverson pretending to be a doctor.
Okay? The point is you are amazing with the babies.
You're amazing.
But this dynamic is is new for all of us, and and and we're gonna have to work on this together.
In the spirit of keeping it professional - Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.
Well, do you think that maybe you could stop calling me "black nanny"? Absolutely.
Absolutely.
And And And in that same spirit, can you please remind me what your real name is? I'm s Come on.
come on.
Ooh! The results are in! Okay, and the winner is Susie Kwest! I meant Susie Kwest! I'm sorry Diane.
It's not your fault, it's Vivian's.
We should've never taken our foot off Susie's throat.
Hi guys, how's it going? Oh it's going much better Now! - Did you win the election? - No! But the real win is going to bed with a clear conscience.
Thanks again for your advice Vivian! You're welcome Diane!