Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - No Contest

Excuse me.
I've got to powder my nose in the men's salon.
You look a little like Tip O'Neill.
Yeah? You know, a lot of people say that.
But I'm better-looking than he is.
My God, you are Tip O'Neill! How do you do? I'm Sam Malone.
You used to throw for the Sox.
That's right.
What are you doing here? I'm walking down the street and a lady stopped me.
Started to tell me her philosophy of life and government.
So I ducked in for a quick one.
What can I get you? There you are! Mr Speaker, forgive me for being relentless, but I want Diane, step into the office for a minute.
- What? I'll be right back.
- No, she won't.
One more quick one, then I've really gotta run.
Norm, what were you saying about that do-nothing Congress in DC? - They're a bunch of clowns.
- You think so? Any average guy could do better.
- Nah.
- Sure.
This bozo could probably be a better Congressman.
I may run for office someday.
Yeah? You do that.
You're out of work, too? No, I'm Speaker of the House of Representatives.
Don't be ridiculous! That'd make you Tip O'Neill, and me a horse's butt.
You said it, not me.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! What can I do for you? I need something to kill time before my second beer.
- How about a first one? - You got it.
Glad you came in today.
Big day.
- What's going on? - The Miss Boston Barmaids contest.
- They pick the finalist.
- What is it? What is it? It's only the biggest event of the year.
Words can't describe it.
Waitresses serve drinks and one wins.
Yeah, that's about it.
Coach is particularly excited today.
This year, the contest is being held right here at Cheers.
Alright! Is that right? I hate to burst your bubble, but the contest's a phoney.
You gotta fool around with the judge to get in.
- That's disgusting! - Yeah, and he won't return my calls.
Everybody, I want your attention.
They picked the finalists for the contest.
And this year, Cheers is gonna win.
Finally, they're letting in preggos! No, Carla, it's not you.
It's Diane.
- Diane's pregnant? - No, no.
She's a finalist, Coach.
Give me a copy! That proves it.
There is no God.
She didn't say a word about it.
She doesn't know about it.
I entered her without telling her.
Why, Sam? Just to cause me anguish? Alright, she's not the best waitress in the world.
But she makes the other categories.
"Perky, pert, congenial and fun.
" And I don't? Sweetheart, you cannot join the contest.
You're pregnant.
So? Proves I'm congenial.
- Good point.
- Sammy, here she comes.
I want this to be a surprise.
Pretend you don't know anything.
Coach, grab her apron.
Put it next to the paper so she sees it.
- Hello, everyone.
- Hi.
You all look chipper today.
What's up? Come on! I hate this.
- Tell me.
- Really, it's nothing at all.
Something in the paper? "The Miss Boston Barmaid compet" I hate female contests with every fibre of my being.
Why did you want me to see this? To make sure you felt the same way we did.
- Disgusting.
- Terrible.
What ninny would let herself be entered in a contest like that? This kind.
- That's me! - Takes guts to admit it.
Who did this? Who is responsible for this? I'll kill him! - You did this.
- That's it.
Wong Song You.
He got killed in the Orient trying to rescue a nun.
That's him.
You entered me much as one would enter a heifer in a fair.
No.
Come on, Diane.
I mean, no.
The judges come in, secretly watch your work, and then pick the finalists.
In a county fair, you take the cow to the judges.
- Thanks a lot, Coach.
- Any time.
Come on, Diane.
I thought you'd be happy about this.
Of course.
I love being entered in degrading female contests.
Me, too, but I'm always pregnant.
Come on.
This is not degrading.
- In Boston, it's a very big honour.
- Yeah.
Di, it's really big, you know.
Not as big as Mail Carrier of the Year, but it's up there.
Mail Carrier of the Year? Who do they give that to? A postman or a pigeon? - Watch your mouth.
- It was a joke.
Yeah? Don't you ever, repeat, ever, joke about the US postal service in front of any mail carrier.
- Alright? - He didn't mean anything by it.
I'd like to see how fat and sassy he'd be without his mail.
- I don't know what came over me.
- That's OK.
You had every right.
The Post Office is everybody's target.
But when they want a letter fast, who do they come to? - Federal Express.
- He's mine! Sit down! These contests perpetuate the attitude that women are mere objects, to be judged and ranked according to how well they serve man.
Come on! Lighten up, will you? Relax a little bit.
This is not the UN.
Have some fun.
Do you think being scrutinised, poked and prodded like a side of beef is fun? Not every day, but on your odd Saturday night What do you think I am? Are you kidding? I thought you were cute.
Is that such a big deal? Cheers has never won this.
I thought might be nice if we did, if you won it for us.
I didn't think.
I picked up the picture and sent it in.
Where did you get it? I Well, you know, I found it.
Found it where? You were pretty careless.
I found it lying around in your wallet.
Don't go through my wallet again.
Don't worry.
It was boring.
Sorry.
If I'd known, I'd have added something interesting! I never saw anyone with so many pictures of themselves.
With your cat, on your pony.
You by your car with your cat on your pony.
I'm going to call them, tell them what I think of this and that I won't do it.
Come on.
Damn.
Paul.
No hard feelings.
No.
The Sears catalogue came out this week.
It puts a strain on me.
I would like to speak to the person in charge of female dehumanisation.
What do you mean, "Speaking"? This is in regard to the Miss Boston Barmaid competition.
I am Diane Chambers.
I have something to say about this contest.
And all contests like it.
I only wish the whole world could hear what I have to say.
There will be reporters there? From all the major papers? Well, I guess if a contestant had a few things to say, this would be an excellent forum for 'em.
Yes, I am every bit as cute as my picture.
Thank you.
I'll see you at the contest.
Diane.
I have one thing to say to you, and I mean this.
Stay in this contest, or we're no longer friends.
- I'm staying in the contest.
- Really? - Yes.
- Diane! You go to bed with me tonight, or we're no longer friends.
Well, I guess you can just push friendship so far.
Norm, hold this for me.
What smells great, Coach? I just came from the barbershop.
They put on that zingy aftershave.
That explains why these flies are dying here.
Diane.
Listen, I've been to these things before.
I know what they want.
It's personality and customer service, but a nice appearance can't hurt, know what I mean? - Sex? - No, not sex, a nice appearance.
If you lowered your blouse off the shoulders Absolutely not! Come on, just to check it out.
Come on.
That's very nice.
Maybe mess your hair up just a bit.
That's nice.
Lean against the bar.
Elbow up here, like that.
Wet your lips a little.
Pout.
That's good.
You said the judges weren't looking for sex.
They're not.
I am.
Just checked out the competition.
They look even better up close.
None of those girls have got what I'm looking for.
- What's that? - Low standards.
Come clean.
One minute you're against this contest, the next you're all for it.
What's up? You don't like this contest, do you? It's a sham.
Carla, you'll be happy to hear that I am going to bring this contest to its knees.
I like it so far.
When they introduce me, I'm going to make a statement denouncing those responsible for this outrage.
I love it! You know, there aren't many things about you that I like.
In fact, there is nothing about you that I like.
But I always say all great friendships start with one small act of vengeance.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Welcome to the 45th annual Miss Boston Barmaid competition.
First, each contestant will tell us a little bit about herself.
Yvonne? Hi, I'm Yvonne.
I go to modelling school.
I'd like to be an artist.
Hi, I'm Jocelyn.
I like being a waitress.
I'm saving my money to travel around the world next summer.
Hi, I'm Bonnie.
I have to say, I really like being just what I am, a cocktail waitress in the best city in the world.
Boston.
Go! My name is Diane Chambers and I would like one day to be known as the voice of my generation.
You see, I'm a humanist Aren't we all? Good luck.
lf you win, we'll be seeing you on AM Boston.
Just let AM Boston? Right.
They'll be here later to tape the announcement of the winner.
Let the games begin! Diane Chambers, humanist.
Now, Yvonne will wait on the judges, who'll ask will ask questions designed to help us get to know her better.
Hello, there.
I'm Yvonne.
I'll be serving you.
What's your pleasure, gentlemen? Can you recommend something warm, sweet and perfect for the evening? Irish coffee or me.
And one gin and tonic.
I am moved, Cliff.
I'm visibly moved.
- Gonna be tough to beat.
- Now for our last contestant.
From here at Cheers, Miss Diane Chambers.
Hello.
I'm Diane, I'm delighted to be your waitress.
- What can I get you? - Screwdriver, please.
- What kind of vodka? - Absolut.
Absolute-ly - Chivas rocks.
- I'll have a beer.
- Imported or domestic? - What do you recommend? I'll find something nice for you.
Back in a jiff, with pretzels.
You were terrific! - Wait, you dropped some cards here.
- Never mind.
"Women pitted against each other in a display of servitude.
" I don't know what it means, but it's making me hot.
- I'll take my speech, thank you.
- What do you mean, speech? I'm going to win this contest so I can make a speech denouncing it.
Oh, my God! Is that what you've been planning the whole time? Sam, I have to do this.
I don't believe I could be so stupid.
I thought you might be a regular person for once.
- I am not a regular person.
- You're telling me! Sam, someday, you will realise that I am doing the right thing.
Why do you always have to do the right thing? Do you see the rest of us doing it? We're happy.
- May I go now? - Yeah, go on.
Help yourself.
By the way, just want to say, I'm glad that under all this pressure, we haven't seen that facial tic of yours.
And you won't.
Mind over matter.
St Pauli Girl.
Absolut screwdriver, Chivas rocks and pretzels.
Is there anything else that I can do for you? Is there something wrong, miss? - What do you mean? - Are you alright? Well, I have this facial tic.
But I I believe that all of us have obstacles to overcome in life.
And in the final analysis, the true measure of greatness is the severity of obstacles one has had to overcome in order to achieve one's goals.
I I may not be the most attractive waitress here, or the most talented, but I am a survivor.
I didn't come here to lose.
I came here to win.
I will beat them all.
I will beat any who come against me.
As God as my witness, I will never be hungry again! Ladies and gentlemen, this year's Miss Boston Barmaid, Miss Diane Chambers! Congratulations, Diane! - Is that AM Boston? - Yes, it is.
I really didn't expect to win this contest.
It has Thank you.
It has been quite It has been quite an experience.
Now, I would like to tell you my feelings about this contest.
But first, let me tell you what you've won.
- That's not necessary.
- Something every waitress needs.
Six months' worth of free dry cleaning at Ritz Cleaners! Thank you.
Contests such as these do nothing And for entertaining at home, a Kitchen Helper food processor.
That's nice.
I've always wanted one.
Ladies and gentlemen A $200 gift certificate from Filene's Department Store, where you can buy some new outfits for that week-long vacation you and a friend will be taking to Bermuda! Bermuda! Oh, my God! I sold out womankind for a trip to Bermuda.
Don't feel so bad.
Most people would do it for the dry cleaning.
Come on.
I don't even think you did sell out.
- Of course I did.
- No, you let your feelings out.
For the first time in your life, you were spontaneous.
It was great! It's not the first time I've been spontaneous.
May I have my purse? I enjoy being spontaneous, every now and then.
Whenever I think it's appropriate.
You're a maniac.
OK.
Maybe I do tend to be a little uptight at times.
Maybe this bar is changing me.
Maybe the atmosphere is rubbing off a little.
Maybe.
And maybe, in some small way, I'm the better for it.
Maybe you are.
Maybe I should thank you.
Maybe you should.
Like how? Forget it.
Come on, you really want to make it up to me? Let's go to Bermuda.
You got two tickets.
Don't be coy.
Alright, I know I've made a lot of passes at you.
But take me to Bermuda, I'll be the perfect gentleman.
- You will? - Cross my heart.
Then forget it.