Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Pick a Con ... Any Con

You're in a pretty good mood tonight.
Why not? I was up till two in the morning finishing off Kierkegaard.
I hope he thanked you for it.
I see Coach and George are still at it.
Yeah.
It's kind of fun.
They enjoy each other's company.
It's nice to have someone your own age to spend time with.
You've been through the same fads.
You don't have to explain things.
- There's a real comfort in that.
- Too bad we're not closer in age.
Isn't it? However, six or seven years really isn't that much.
I would have thought eight or nine.
- I find older men stimulating.
- I hope you're not talking about me.
Certainly not.
You're not in the least bit stimulating.
Listen.
Seriously, I would not worry about your age.
You're obviously young enough to bring that Kierkegaard fellow home.
Do you two think that you could put your glands on hold long enough to get some work done here? You win again, George.
I just had all the cards today, Coach.
You'll get me tomorrow.
You bet I will.
Take it easy, pal.
Always do.
See you, pal.
See you, folks.
- Take care.
- Bye.
Sam, can I borrow You bet.
- Boy, was that George hot! - I didn't know you played for money.
Every day for months.
- How many games have you won? - If I had to guess, let me see None.
None? Sam, I've been right in there every game.
- Coach, that guy's a hustler.
- George and me, we're like pals.
That's how they operate.
Trust me.
- We're only playing for fun.
- How much fun have you lost? - About eight grand.
- Eight grand? That's spread over since last February.
Don't you see what he's doing? He's taking you for everything you got.
I can't believe it.
Sam, you are at least six or seven years older than I am.
Admit it.
Wait a second.
We just discovered George has been hustling Coach for a lot of money.
George? That sweet, white-haired gentleman? - Piffle.
- No, Diane, it's true.
Sam, isn't there anything we can do about it? I got it.
We beat him up, strip him, take his money and put him on a bus.
- Subtle, Carla.
- That's how I got to Boston.
I just had the worst idea I've ever had.
- Worse than hiring her? - The second worst idea.
Remember Harry? Maybe he could help us out here.
You mean that hustler you're always throwing out? That's like calling Spinoza to settle an argument between Nietzsche and Schopenhauer.
She's got a point there, Sam.
Look, I think it's a mistake to trust Harry.
George is a con men.
Harry's a con man.
What's the old saying? - "Send a thief " - "To camp for the summer.
" I don't even know where to find him.
I know exactly where he is.
In jail, like he always is.
You sure? In Boston, for the city jail.
Sure you don't mind me doing this? No, go ahead.
I use Information to get numbers all the time.
Coach.
- Hi, Harry.
- Harry .
.
Here's the 10 bucks I'm gonna owe you in about five minutes.
Thanks.
Coach, where's Sam? - He'll be out in a minute.
- Wanna play for a drink? Not a chance, Harry.
No way.
Don't show fear.
He smells fear.
Cliff.
You feel lucky? - Sure.
Why? - Tell you what.
I'll bet you a dime I can drink that drink without touching the hat.
A dime? - OK.
You're on.
- You'll love this.
It's gone.
What's so good about that? Anybody can do that.
I can do that.
- No.
- A dime? Coach, another shot, please.
A dime says I can drink the old shot without touching the old chapeau.
Are you ready? I'll be right back.
OK, that baby's gone.
That's great, Cliff.
That's worth a dime.
You can laugh, but at least I got my money back.
Five bucks for the booze, Cliffo.
- Thanks, Cliff.
- Any time, Harry.
What's the matter? If you gave as much to the space programme as you have to him, we'd have condos on Venus.
Thank you for coming.
Can I get you a drink? - For free is too easy.
- Let's go sit down over there.
Coach, you wanna join us? Carla, you got the bar? She always gets to watch the bar.
- Diane, you may have the bar.
- Goody.
Diane has the bar.
- Yes? - I need a Bloody Mary.
A Bloody Mary coming up.
Where do we keep the Mary? "The Bartender's Guide.
" "The Bloody Mary.
" "There's nothing like a fresh Bloody Mary to start any day.
" "A traditional favourite served with lunch, brunch, and often as the 'hair of the dog that bit you'.
" - "Its name derives from " - Make the drink! That's Eddie the Mole from Phoenix.
They call him Mole Man, or Moley.
- In Philly they call him Sid.
- Sid? Philly's a dull town.
So, what you're saying is he's pretty well-known? Any bird-dogger knows him.
He runs paper and cubes, mainly in the crib, sometimes up against the wall.
Puts on a straight-up-guy front, and then grinds away slow with coolers and hop toads, real rip and tear kind of stuff.
Yeah.
That sounds like him.
It seems to me he got in trouble with the boys in Vegas last year.
He's been keeping a low profile.
Could be him.
A lot of those guys lay low by making small money off dumb saps.
So where do I come in? Sam, excuse me.
Where do you keep the measuring spoons? - We don't have any.
- What? "Precise measurements are one of the keys to a good drink.
" Page 12.
Serving it the same day it's ordered is right up there, too.
Carla, Girls, please.
C'mon, Harry.
You got anything? You got any ideas? I think you need a poker game.
The Mole is not known for poker.
Call him and tell him you have a little game going here at closing.
That makes you the roper.
You bring him into the game.
How do we know that he brings enough money to cover Coach's losses? The guys always carry a big roll.
They gotta be ready for action.
You have to promote this as a friendly neighbourhood game.
- You're the inside man.
- With you so far.
- I'm gonna need a bankroll.
- You just lost me.
Sam, if you don't stake me, it doesn't go down.
- I need about five grand.
- Five grand? Are you kidding me? This whole thing's getting out of hand.
Sam, please.
Alright.
I'll be the What d'you call the guy who brings the money? You call him the guy who brings the money.
One other thing, Sam.
- I appreciate this.
- I appreciate getting bailed out.
Besides, I don't like the idea of somebody else plucking my pigeons.
See ya.
Thanks, Sam.
"A dash of pepper.
" A lot of ingredients in a Bloody Mary.
That's why we usually mix up five gallons and put it in the fridge.
Carla, why'd you let her do it? I wanted to see her try and make vodka.
- Closing time.
- Sammy, let me get this straight.
Whatever we lose, we're gonna get back.
- That's right.
- Great.
I love to gamble without risk.
Sam, would you mind if I stay and watch? I promise I won't ask a bunch of dumb questions.
- You won't even know I'm here.
- OK.
So, why poker? Why not crazy eights or chess? Why don't I shut up like I said I would? I always get this way when I'm nervous.
What can I do to stop? I know what to do with hiccups, but with runaway chattering Hello, everyone.
Hi, George.
I understand you fellas have a little poker game going tonight? We get together every once in a while.
Coach thought you might like to sit in.
I haven't played poker in years.
I just hope I don't embarrass myself.
Embarrass yourself? You're playing poker with guys who can't bet and chew gum at the same time.
We got an extra chair in here, Harry, if you wanna sit in.
Me? Well, I've heard that poker can be a pleasant diversion, if it doesn't get too intense.
- Aren't you playing, Coach? - Not me, George.
Gin's my game.
OK.
Minimum buy-in's $500.
Let's see some money, gentlemen.
You're pretty good.
- Lucky tonight.
- Yeah, real lucky, huh, Harry? Your bet, Cliff.
I'll see that 50 and I'll raise you Let's see.
I'll raise you You can't bet stamps.
I'll fold, then.
- Up to you, Norm.
- The Lord hates a coward.
I'll see the 50 and raise $300.
- You're bluffing.
- You're right.
I'm out.
I'll raise 500.
Too rich for my blood.
I'm calling you, George.
Looks like it's my night, boys.
Harry, maybe we ought to get out of the game.
- What for? - No reason.
You lost most of the money I put in, George has got all the cards, and you're playing lousy.
Everything's fine.
I'm toying with him.
I'm giving him a false sense of security.
You're giving him a genuine sense of security.
Fellas, let's play cards.
Straight to the jack.
Damn.
- What the hell happened? - I lost.
No kidding.
You lost everything I put in.
Why didn't you cheat? That was the whole point.
I ran every gaff I know and he beat me.
I don't know what to say to you except I'm sorry.
I'm going to wash up.
Ladies and gentlemen, it's been a pleasure.
Sam, could I ask you a question? Does four of a kind beat a straight? Of course.
Then why did Harry throw in these four threes? - Look what time it's getting to be.
- George, hang on a second.
- What's going on here? - I'm just going home.
Maybe not.
You and Harry concocted this whole deal this afternoon, right? Are you gonna go outside and split the winnings? Of course not.
Then you wouldn't mind if we just take our money back.
Try anything and I'll tell the police about this poker game.
You could lose your liquor licence.
You've done this before.
You made a fool out of me, and you can keep my money.
I just want my friends to get their money back, every penny.
You understand? I'm not giving you any of my money back, Coach.
- What if we cut up Harry's share? - That's not such a bad idea.
You could play him again, beat him, and give us our money back.
I never did like the guy.
- I'll challenge him to another game.
- You think you can beat him? Of course I can.
I can have three queens in my hand at any time.
All I need to know is when he can't beat that.
You mean like a sign? Please let me give the sign.
All this trouble's on account of me.
Please let me give the sign.
I don't know.
It's tricky, isn't it? He is the last person Harry would figure being in on anything clever.
Just don't screw it up.
Come here, Coach.
Give your sign the first time Harry can't beat three queens.
- What's the sign? - Let me see.
I'll rub my nose like this.
It's the old bunt sign.
Got it.
OK, good night, everybody.
- George, you need a ride downtown? - They're onto us, Harry.
- Onto what? - They figured out our little prank.
Come on, Sam.
Times are hard.
A guy's gotta do what he can.
Harry, I was never much of a team player, especially with Boston small-timers.
Why don't you and me play a little one-on-one for the whole jackpot.
You know, Mole, I was never too impressed by Arizona hustlers, except they got good sinuses.
You're on.
- Mind if I deal? - No.
- What's the game? - Five-card draw, no limit.
- Here's your half.
- Fine.
- Ante's a yard.
- What? $100.
Pay attention.
I'll bet two.
It's covered.
What do you need? One.
Dealer takes one.
George, did you see that? Yes, I did, Coach.
I scratched my nose because it was itchy.
- Right.
I saw you do that.
- It was really itchy, George.
- That's why you scratched it.
- Exactly.
Stimulating conversation.
We playing cards or what? - It's George's bet.
- Harry, let's stop fooling around.
I'm going into my private stash.
Ten grand.
I like those socks.
Covered.
Three little ladies.
- Four threes? - That can't be.
Seeing is believing, Mole.
- Why did you make the bet? - Because you scratched your nose.
But I told you why I scratched my nose.
That does it.
I never wanna see you come through that door again.
Don't worry, Malone, you won't.
You caused me to lose a fortune, you old fool.
You're a stupid, blundering moron who deserves to lose his money.
What a night.
I don't believe the whole thing happened.
I feel so used.
What are you doing? Sammy, I think he's snapped.
He's laughing.
- What are you laughing at? - That.
One born every minute.
We did it, Harry.
There's your money.
Who wants to play double or nothing? You had George conned that you two were working together while it was you and Coach? - You're not even close.
- Yeah, he is.
That's it exactly.
Come on, everybody, coffee's on me.
So only you and Coach knew about this? Why didn't you let us in on it? I didn't think you were bright enough to pull it off.
I still don't like you.
You feeling lucky tonight? What you got in mind? A game of chance, simple cut of the cards.
What are the stakes? If I win, I get to go to bed with you.
- What if I win? - You get to go to bed with me.
Forget it.
I understand.
You'd rather earn it.