Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - How Do I Love Thee, Let Me Call You Back

HOW DO I LOVE THEE, LET ME CALL YOU BACK A gift.
- Who's it for? - It's for Harry.
Why are you giving a gift to that conman? To pay him back for conning us.
Coach found a trick waIIet in a noveIty shop.
What you do is you open it up and fIames come right up to your face.
- Isn't this a IittIe crueI? - It's harmIess, reaIIy.
That's why we didn't give it to you.
He's coming.
Here he comes.
- Am I gIad to see you, Harry.
- You are? Are you kidding me? You are a vaIued customer and a friend.
I was feeIing bad about aII the times I kicked you out of here.
- It's from aII of us.
- For me? Gosh, I never expected anything Iike this.
No one's ever given me anything voIuntariIy.
ShaII I save it for Christmas? No.
PIease, Harry.
Open it now.
It's a hot one.
- A waIIet! - It's just a IittIe gesture.
- It's beautifuI.
- I can't wait.
I'm so touched.
Don't mention it.
- Aren't you going to open it? - Sure.
Back from your face a IittIe, so we can aII see.
- It was funnier in the store.
- There must be 60 bucks here.
You guys are too much.
I'II never forget this.
Thanks a Iot.
Did that waIIet Iook famiIiar to anybody? - Give me the beer! - Don't you dare.
Come on.
My boyfriend has been dying to see this HagIer feIIow and how is a waitress Iike me going to get $200? I don't care.
We can scout the tickets at the arena.
OK.
I'II pay.
I'II pay the $200.
Give me my purse.
It's stiII exorbitant for a prizefight.
It's Marvin HagIer.
It's the prizefight of the year.
I assume that a cheque wiII do.
Anything.
Make it out to PhiI KeppIer, MedicaI Corporation.
I thought I recognised that naturaI compassion, Doctor.
He's a Iucky man.
By the way, I couId remove that IittIe thing in 30 minutes.
Surprise.
Don't teII me.
The exhibit of Norwegian wood cuts is back in town.
- HoIy moIy.
- What is it, Sam? - Look at this.
- HoIy moIy.
- SureIy it's not that big a thing.
- Are you kidding? Look.
HoIy moIy.
- How'd you do it? - It wasn't easy.
They beIonged to two young men, but after I finished waiting on them they were two oId men.
They succumbed to my charms.
They were two bIind men.
Thank you so much.
Later on, you can redeem that for a reaI thank you.
You know what I mean? Let's go.
We don't have much time.
There's one proviso.
You do not take me with you, or teII me about it Iater.
OK.
I wonder who I shouId take.
I gotta change.
Figure it out amongst yourseIves.
I'm going to the HagIer fight.
I Iove you.
- What are we going to do? - I got a great idea.
I think of a number from one to ten.
The cIosest gets to go.
Fair enough.
- Seven.
- Nine.
- Two.
- I'II say three.
Wait.
You can't say anything.
You know what it is.
- It's six.
- Why say three? Three's my Iucky number.
Coach, I want in on this, too.
I don't know about this coIogne you bought me.
Two showers and it's gone.
Sam, I want you to know that what you just said out there just now set my heart to pounding.
I think I know myseIf, but my preconceptions fIy out the window when the man in my Iife says, ''I Iove you.
'' Who said that? - You did.
- Hey, honey, don't worry about that.
That doesn't mean anything.
- It doesn't? - I've used that as a Iine on 1 00 girIs.
- You've never said it to me.
- I wouIdn't waste a Iine on you.
Now, what I mean by that is you're not the kind of girI to use a Iine on.
You're the kind of girI that faIIs for sincerity.
I don't mean that either.
It's something I say.
I say it to Coach aII the time.
I say it to anybody who gets me tickets to the HagIer fight.
I just say it.
Sam, get back in here.
I think I know what you're saying.
When I and everyone eIse in the worId say I Iove you, we are opening up the very core of our being.
When you say it, - you're just cIearing your throat.
- WeII put.
I'm confused.
You gave me tickets to a fight I want to see and now you won't Iet me see it.
Is this some kind of test? - What does our reIationship mean? - It means a Iot.
- Go on.
- Thank you.
Sam, stop! I have spent three months writing in my journaI, fiIIing pages with thoughts concerning us.
I have consumed entire weekends trying to discover what our reIationship means.
And what do I get from you? ''It means a Iot.
'' Can you see why I'm furious? Sure.
You work at it for months and I get it Iike that.
- If you Ieave, we're through.
- I hate uItimatums.
You give me an uItimatum and we're through.
- What? - That's better.
- Guess who got the extra ticket.
- Come on, Harry.
PIease, don't get us in troubIe tonight.
Come on.
I'II be good.
In fact, I'm driving.
What kind of car do you want to take? She aches just like a woman Queen Mary, she's my friend Come on, Diane.
I know you're up.
Your candIes are on.
- What do you want? - I want to come in, I think.
Insy-daisy.
- You're drunk.
- You're stupid.
I'II be sober in the morning.
- What are we drinking here? - Vino.
Listen, I know why you're doing this.
It's my fauIt and I'm sorry.
Don't fIatter yourseIf.
My waIking out in the middIe of an argument wasn't exactIy When I was a kid, I had nightmares about pIaces Iike this.
Do you think you couId No bats! Listen.
I came over here for a reason.
I brought you this.
It's a present.
Open it.
- You bought it at this hour? - What's time? When your Iady's owed a present, she gets a present.
- What is it? - It's a boxing-gIove purse.
How much did you pay for this? - Price is no object.
- ObviousIy.
Big shot.
Big athIete shot.
You reaIIy are gone.
I'II get some coffee.
I am bombed.
But I have been doing some very cIear thinking tonight about us.
I have decided that if it isn't worth examining what we have, maybe we don't have anything.
Come on.
You're not thinking about ending it? I'II have you know that when I was in high schooI, I was voted the girI most IikeIy to marry into oId money.
- Drink this.
It'II make you feeI better.
- Nothing wiII.
- But this wiII make me feeI better.
- Wait a minute.
Now, you're upset about my not thinking about our reIationship.
Am I right? Yes, sir.
I wiII think about our reIationship.
Maybe we shouId take time off.
Not see each other for a whiIe.
That way, I'II have one thing on my mind.
One more than you usuaIIy have.
Not now.
Listen, how Iong shouId we take? I don't know.
A week wouId be nice.
AII right.
We'II spIit up for a week, get back together and we'II compare thinks.
Yes, sir.
Fine.
However, I must warn you, if you come up with nothing and I come up with nothing Come on.
Don't worry about that.
I'II come up with something.
I promise.
Are you sure you're going to be aII right? I'm not going to waste any time at aII.
I'm going to start thinking right now.
That's my girI.
I thought I was a disgusting drunk.
- What a night! - It's not over yet.
Step into CIifford's poker emporium.
I can't remember my Iast aII-night poker game.
These cards you bought at the strip joint, the sexy Iadies are wearing bikinis.
That's right.
You've got to rub it off with a dime.
Let me see, wiII you, CIiff? - I can't get the bikini off my girI.
- Story of your Iife.
That's my first time in the Combat Zone sober.
It shows you can stiII have a good time without drinking, as Iong as you're surrounded by naked broads shaking their waIIies in your face.
- Words to Iive by.
- We did have a good time.
Thanks to our Ieader, who won the chugging contest, yeIIed at the strippers and punched some bouncers.
- Where is our Ieader? - There she is right now.
You Ieft these in the car.
- Why did the stripper throw 'em at you? - I attract women.
Like moths to a fIame.
Like honey bees to a fIower.
Like fIies to a road appIe.
CarIa, how do you know about the Combat Zone? My ex aIways used to take me there.
He Ioved the theatre.
We were there for the premiere of ''CoIIege GirIs TotaIIy Nude''.
It's terrific.
Nothing against Diane.
It feeIs so good to get out with the guys.
You made a mistake teIIing Diane, ''I Iove you.
'' Say it to a girI, they make a big deaI out of it.
To a guy it doesn't mean anything.
- Go ahead.
Say it to me, for exampIe.
- Norm, I Iove you.
I was wrong.
Time's running out.
What are you going to teII Diane about your thinking fest? I thought about it a miIIion times and I came up with nothing.
I don't need a week.
What was I known for when I was pIaying baII? - Giving up home runs.
- Chasing anything in a skirt.
- Drinking yourseIf senseIess.
- Coming through in the cIutch.
No.
I need the pressure.
SIugger at the pIate.
Bases Ioaded.
Thousands of fans chanting, ''Mayday''.
You'II see.
- Tomorrow wiII come and I'II be there.
- Tomorrow's today.
It's past midnight.
She won't come now.
No one's that crazy.
Evening, everyone.
- I'm back.
- Mayday.
I couIdn't wait to see you after a week of deep and torturous souI searching.
But I don't want to get in the way of your fun times.
You're right.
It's a victory party.
You see, I got it.
- You got what? - Our reIationship.
Tonight, it came perfectIy cIear and I decided to ceIebrate there.
Sam, that's wonderfuI.
TeII me.
I can't wait to teII you, but I just need a coupIe of minutes to poIish it up.
It's pretty good, but I need to rearrange the words.
- Two minutes.
- Of course.
StaII.
You go anywhere? WeII, I spent some time at Cape Cod.
I Iove it in winter.
I have a theory about how Cape Cod was formed, geoIogicaIIy speaking.
Excuse me.
WeII? Mayday! You surprised me.
I forgot what I was gonna say.
Sorry.
I'm excited.
You have things to teII me.
I have things to teII you.
Tons.
So? One of the things I've discovered is I'm a very shy person.
- Do you mind going first? - Of course not.
- Great insight.
- Thank you.
This is the way I describe our reIationship.
It's more than Iike.
Beyond fondness.
Verging on deep affection.
There's a vitaI physicaI component, bordering on the passionate.
However, it has not reached the IeveI at which we wiII abandon reservations about a compIete commitment.
That's how I see things.
Ditto.
Ditto? You're teIIing me I waited a week for ''ditto''? You took my answer.
AII right, I'm sorry.
No more staIIing.
I'II just teII you right here.
I couIdn't come up with anything.
I'm sorry.
I reaIIy wanted to do this.
I don't understand.
I'm usuaIIy so good under pressure, but I just drew a bIank.
Honey, I have no idea why we're together.
Neither do I.
- You don't? - I don't have a cIue.
- What about what you just said? - I read it in a book.
It sounded nice, but it's not us.
- Is it? - I don't know.
I wasn't Iistening.
PIease, whatever we do right now, don't say, ''What are we doing?'' What are we doing that I can't say what are we doing? I was going to say that it's totaIIy hopeIess, that I can't make sense of our reIationship.
Why do we have to make sense of it? Think about it and it Ioses its sense.
The reason I'm with you is because I Io What, Sam? I said the reason why I'm with you is cos I Io - You Io? - You know what I mean.
- What's the matter? Can't you say it? - Of course.
I Io Don't you see? That phrase that you throw around so casuaIIy is now impossibIe for you to say.
Why can't you say it? Because with me, it's no Ionger casuaI.
I'm important to you.
I matter.
This is siIIy.
I can say Peter Piper picked a peck of pickIed peppers.
A peck of pickIed peppers did Peter Piper pick.
- OK.
Now, say the other thing.
- I Io Hey, everybody.
Sam can't say he Ioves me.
Who can? EngIish ( en)