Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Where There's a Will

WHERE THERE'S A WILL They need me at the branch office to heIp handIe the hoIiday deIuge.
Terrific, and now this.
My coat's underneath this mess.
Come on up here and get your jackets.
This is officiaI government business.
Got it, Sam.
Stand back.
I'm going in.
I'II find you - This is obviousIy not my - Put it on or I tear off your cIothes.
Yes, ma'am.
Yes, God bIess you, CarIa.
At Ieast dogs won't attack their own.
AIIow me.
Thank you.
Watch this.
- How do you not burn your hand? - I don't.
Show her some of the other tricks.
- You know a Iot of tricks, do you? - Yeah, I know my share.
Show her the one about the disappearing girIfriend.
You'II Iike this one.
Watch this.
WeIcome to Cheers.
What can I get you? - What's your bartender's speciaIty? - He's got hot buttered rum going.
Sounds good.
Make it a doubIe.
I've just had the worst day of my Iife.
You know what I aIways say? Life is Iike a Chinese banquet.
Between the Peking duck and the sweet and sour fish, you have to expect chicken feet soup.
So Iaugh.
I've just been toId I have six months to Iive.
I'm sorry.
I didn't mean to be facetious.
I'm terribIy sorry.
- I went on and on Iike a ninny.
- Hey, can I get you something? Sammy, how do you do this trick? That one.
It's aII in your mind.
Think about the most pIeasant thing in your Iife.
Being burned by this wouId be the most pIeasant thing in my Iife.
- You have to taIk to that man there.
- Why? He came in here because he just found out he's got six months to Iive.
That's not just an opening Iine? What kind of a reptiIe wouId say that as a sexuaI overture? Nobody.
I mean, not me, that's for sure.
- He seems to want to taIk about it.
- I'II taIk to him.
How do you cheer someone up who's got six months to Iive? I'II teII him I have five.
- What's he drinking? - Hot buttered rum.
Hey, everybody, now watch this.
Hey, way to go, Coach.
You did it.
You must have a high threshoId of pain.
- I don't know the meaning of the word.
- Pretty tough guy.
No, he doesn't know what ''threshoId'' means.
Thanks, Normie.
Hi, can I join you? My name's Sam MaIone.
I'm the owner of the bar.
- MaIcoIm Kramer.
- How do you do? Before I retired I owned a chemicaI pIant outside of Chicago.
This may be none of my business but have you got a second opinion? - Doctors make mistakes.
- Every doctor says the same thing and I've been to tweIve Ieading speciaIists.
Maybe you'd get better news if you went to a quack.
- How's your drink? - ExceIIent.
You're a good bartender.
They sound as if they're having a good time.
I worked my way through Harvard tending bar.
The best years of my Iife.
Do you think you've stiII got the touch? - You mean it? - Why not? Come on.
We've onIy got two ruIes - no empty gIasses on the bar and if somebody beIches, bIame a waitress.
He did it! What am I yeIIing about? I bet against him.
- Thank you very much.
- You never Iose it.
This guy's terrific.
He's a great storyteIIer and he knows what he's doing.
We shouId have an oIder guy behind the bar.
The customers Iike it.
- What about you, Coach? - I'd Iike it, too.
- I'II think about it.
- Thanks, Sam.
We're Iow on beer mugs.
Can someone wash these? - I'd Iove to.
- You Iike washing gIasses? You bet.
I feeI Iike an 1 8-year-oId coIIege boy.
Me, too.
See one around? You're on, cutie.
- About time you got back.
- What's the big deaI? The wind shot right through that oId thing.
And those Lifesavers had to be at Ieast a year oId.
If Boston ever knew how cIose it came to a catastrophe, there'd be panic.
Kramer, that's CIiff.
Give him a beer.
That's Mr Kramer.
He's a customer.
I'd rather have my potabIes prepared by a competent mixoIogist.
Be a IittIe sensitive.
Sam's Ietting him do this as a favour.
Doc says he's going beIIy-up in a few months.
- I'm sorry to hear that.
- Those are the breaks, huh? Mr Kramer, you wanted me to teII you when it was 1 1 :00.
- I've got a pIane to catch.
- You're reaIIy gonna Ieave? Yes.
I don't want them to caII me ''the Iate MaIcoIm Kramer'' before it's officiaI.
- Thank you, Sam.
- Anytime, MaIcoIm.
- Listen, you come back before - Soon.
Come back reaI soon.
Goodnight, everybody.
And thank you.
I've had a wonderfuI time just when I needed it.
Someday I hope you'II appreciate how much I reaIIy did enjoy it.
- Goodbye, Mr Kramer.
- Now that's a nice guy.
Thanks, Norm.
My pop aIways toId me to say goodbye.
Excuse me.
What you peopIe did this evening was magnificent.
It strengthened in me a faith in humanity that gets a IittIe shaky at times.
I want you aII to know that there's nothing that I wouIdn't do for any of you.
- Hot dog! - Drop the skivvies and dance! Maggots! Who's the wise guy who shoved the I.
in the tip gIass? Let me see this.
It's not an I.
This isa bunch of writing I don't understand.
- Is it in a foreign tongue? - No, it's EngIish.
In your case, that quaIifies.
''To Whom It May Concern.
''PIease be advised that herewith I amend my wiII to provide the foIIowing ''As a token for their kindness, I Ieave the sum of ''$1 00,000 to the gang at Cheers, signed MaIcoIm Kramer.
'' Is this a joke? CIiff, check that out.
See if it's vaIid.
I don't want to pronounce judgment too hastiIy, but I think there is a precedent in the case of Penoyer versus Neff, when it was found that jurisprudence is the better part of diction.
- Tom, you're a Iawyer, aren't you? - I work for Singer and FIeckman.
Take a Iook at this.
TeII me what it means.
His intent here was to have everybody at Cheers spIit up $1 00,000 when he dies.
I heard him say he was rich, but I thought it was a Iine.
- Sam, who wouId use a Iine Iike that? - Not me.
What does that come out to each? Looks Iike approximateIy $2,500.
Minus my accounting fee, that's a 1 00 bucks.
- We each get a 1 00 bucks? - No, you spIit a 1 00 bucks.
Wait a minute.
It doesn't say anything about dividing it equaIIy.
A Iot of these peopIe didn't give the guy the time of day.
Wait a minute! It doesn't matter anyway.
This paper is worthIess.
In order for a wiII to be vaIid according to Massachusetts Iaw, the stipuIations must be precise and the document signed by three witnesses, which this isn't.
Come on.
It's a beautifuI souvenir of an evening of generosity and goodwiII.
To heII with that! I want my money! Money! Hey, wait a minute.
I got an idea here.
If we can bring him back, we couId get him to write a vaIid wiII and then he can stipuIate who he wants to get how much.
He's on his way to the airport.
- Catch him at the hoteI.
- I'II go get him.
- Why you? - He Iiked me best.
- Yeah? What makes you think so? - He embraced me.
We never saw that.
It wasn't an overt embrace.
It was more Iike we hugged with our eyes.
Whoever goes is gonna have an opportunity at sweet-taIking the guy, so we better send somebody that we aII trust.
OK, I'II go.
You'd shoot your mother in the back for two bits.
- My mother's a saint! - Send Coach.
You aII trust Coach.
OK, here I go.
I'm with it.
PIay it cooI.
We don't want to appear too eager and scare the guy off.
TeII him his adopted son Norm sends his Iove.
I want aII you guys to know that it's a priviIege that you picked me for this job and I hope I can answer your expectations.
What were your expectations? Coach has been gone an hour.
I wonder what he's up to.
OK, Sammy, this is it! This wiII satisfy the CommonweaIth of Massachusetts and aII we need is Kramer's signature and three witnesses and we got it.
Don't think you're gonna get a bigger cut.
On behaIf of the federaI government, I'd better take a Iook at this.
You misspeIIed Massachusetts, first of aII.
On the face of it, this is aII prima facie non corpus interruptus anyhow.
You're wasting our time.
This guy! - What kind of Iawyer are you? - You wouIdn't know.
Try me, Raymond Burr-brain.
I'm not actuaIIy an attorney yet.
I'm gonna take my bar exam next month.
- The guy's here on faIse pretences.
- Let's boot him out in the snow! Hey, come on! Whoa! Take it easy! This is getting crazy.
SettIe down.
- They're back! - Hooray for Mr Kramer! What took you so Iong, Coach? I had to dig the car out - Why didn't you just take a cab? - It wasn't worth it.
The hoteI's onIy a bIock away.
I want you to say heIIo to my best friend, Mr Kramer.
There's some probIem about my wiII? Mr Kramer, you made a wonderfuI gesture to these peopIe and now they're asking you to repeat it.
You do that to me every night.
I'm waiting for you to get it right.
Mr Kramer, it was a wonderfuI gesture but you didn't teII us how you wanted us to spIit it up.
You see, what we got here is a reaI probIem.
Who gets what? These bozos or my five precious chiIdren.
Posing for this picture is the Iongest they've ever stood without crutches.
PeddIe those monsters somewhere eIse.
It's tonight that counts.
Remember those times we had standing over there? How can you ever forget that deIightfuI waIk you and I took over to the jukebox? You turned to me when you wanted to know the time.
- You didn't teII me.
- What am I, Big Ben? Why don't you just give aII your money to your reIatives? I don't have any cIose reIatives.
- You do now, Mervyn.
- My name is MaIcoIm.
May I caII you Mervyn? That was my father's name.
Mr Kramer, you couId give this money to charity.
Hey, I am charity.
Beat it! I don't have time to deaI with this.
Life's too short.
I have a pIane to catch.
I'm gonna sign the money aII over to you.
You can divide it as you see fit.
- No - Sorry.
I've got to run.
Goodbye, everybody.
And thanks again.
- Goodnight, Mr Kramer.
- Yeah, don't be a stranger.
Come on, wouId you? Stop it.
Now I'm gonna try to divide this up fair and square, but no appeaIs to friendship and sentiment and none of that kissy-kissy stuff.
How much evidence do you need? Does there have to be bIood shed? - Destroy the wiII.
- Let's kiII her! - What's it gonna be? - Yeah, waIk Iike a man.
Everybody in this room right now gets an equaI share and that's it.
What are you doing? Now it's over.
It's done.
Everybody get back to normaI.
We shouId have kiIIed her when we had the chance.
- I hope it taught you a Iesson.
- About not being greedy about money? No, aIways dispose of fIaming materiaIs properIy.
We shouId have known.
Guys Iike us don't get that kind of money.
WeII, we're no poorer now than we were when we came in here tonight.
You can taIk.
You're gonna be a Iawyer.
- But a bad one.
- Wanna give me a break? Cheers is Cheers again and I'm reIieved.
I'm going to go thank Sam and aII of you shouId, too.
And, by the way, with aII the insanity about the wiII, no-one said a word about my hairdo.
- It stinks.
- There.
Now was that so hard? What you did out there was fine and nobIe and I'm very proud of you.
And I can teII by that Iook you're proud of yourseIf.
Yes, Diane, I am.
I'm proud and rich.
- What's that? - This baby is my ticket to happiness.
This is the wiII.
I burned the phoney one.
What? How? Are you kidding me? I do magic, remember? Watch this.
Oh, Iookee here! That is the most avaricious, unregenerate, rapacious thing you have ever done! Wait.
A coupIe of those words didn't sound very nice.
How's this? You have sunk so Iow you wouId need a Iadder to kiss a snake's hinie.
That's cIear, but why? I thought it was pretty good.
I saw those peopIe going at each other's throats.
This was the best possibIe soIution.
Come on, Iook at it IogicaIIy.
How are you going to expIain your new-found riches to them? Give me a IittIe credit here.
I won't change my IifestyIe aII of a sudden.
My purchases wiII be simpIe.
TeIevision, maybe.
A pair of shoes.
A coupIe pairs of pants.
Trip to the Canaries in my brand new 60-foot yacht.
I know what you're worried about.
Hey, come on.
You're my sweetie.
I'II spIit the money with you.
Think about aII the good you can do with it.
What good couId come of this? Charities.
I suppose one couId do wonders with a Iot of money, if one were so incIined.
I couId donate to environmentaI charities.
Fight worId hunger, save endangered species, and grab up that fabuIous siIk dress at CIaudine's.
- Yes! - Oh, no! Now I'm doing it! - I won't Iet you do this to your friends! - What are you gonna do? Rat on me? Wait a second! This is what we're taIking about here.
- You're crazy.
- I may be crazy but I'm not stupid.
- You're very stupid.
- I'II teII you how stupid I am.
I see through you Iike a book.
Ah, that stupid.
You want my money.
What are you gonna do? You gonna bIackmaiI me for it? You just Iost your boat ride, baby.
You can't sIap me.
I'm a rich guy.
How Iong are you gonna keep doing this? I don't know you.
I've never seen you Iike this and I don't Iike it.
Don't Iet this come between us.
I want you to heIp me spend the money.
- It wiII make us happy.
- It's making me miserabIe.
Wait tiII you see the fun we have on that boat! If that guy wouId kick off in four months, we couId have that baby by spring! - Did you hear what you just said? - Oh, myGod.
That was a horribIe thing to say, wasn't it? Six months wouId be fine.
We couId catch the GuIf Stream.
What's happening to me? I'm turning into a horribIe person.
Yes, you are.
I'm gonna do what I shouId have done when I set eyes on this.
I'm gonna destroy it before it destroys me.
That was the right thing to do.
Now Iet's forget that any of this ever happened.
Yes, Iet's.
I hate myseIf for what I just thought.
No, I won't even say it.
I know you didn't but Iet me know better.
Come on.
Do you think I wouId do something Iike that again after what I just went through? I'm sorry.
Of course not.
Any person who wouId do that wouId have guiIt eating away at his guts for the rest of his Iife.
Thank you.
I hate her.
I reaIIy, reaIIy do.
I hate her so much.
EngIish ( en)