Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - The Mail Goes to Jail

Fortunately, I've saved room for another.
Gentlemen, the keg is dry.
A new keg coming out, gents.
We'll miss you.
Do we have to do this every time? We don't have to, it's an honour and a privilege.
The keg is dead.
Long live the keg.
Norm? Normie, are you OK? Oh, Cliffie, I swore it wouldn't get to me this time.
I got a letter from Coach.
He's in Ohio.
- Why Ohio? - Family reunion.
There's some pictures of him with everybody.
- Let me see.
- That's a very attractive family.
But why is everybody but the Coach black? That's not his family.
He was sent an invitation by mistake.
He didn't want to hurt anybody's feelings by not showing up.
Looks like they've accepted him.
Are you kidding? He's been going for the last six or seven years.
In fact, next year they're going to have it at his place.
It says here, "Send my love to everybody at Cheers.
" Then he signs it "Uncle Whitey".
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! - What would you like, Norm? - A reason to live.
Keep them coming.
- You look a little peaky there, my friend.
- I'll be OK once my dinner settles in.
- You ate at the Hungry Heifer again? - Yes.
The place is all right.
I just didn't order the right thing.
- I couldn't resist the muscles.
- I love seafood.
No, he's a big burly waiter, makes you shut up and eat.
- Va-va-va-voom, eh, Norm? - I beg your pardon? Hot babe at twelve o'clock.
I think it's the next notch on my bedpost.
The only notches on your bedpost come from banging your head in frustration.
- Coming this way.
- I pity you married guys.
- Hi, I'm Paula Nelson.
- Norm Peterson.
Hi - This smooth talker is Cliff Clavin.
- Hello, Cliff.
May I buy you and your immigrant friend a beer? - Absolutely.
- Two beers, please.
I'm a reporter for "Boston Scene" magazine.
I'm looking for information on the singles scene in Boston.
- Have you met many women at Cheers? - No.
I haven't had much success, but how can I compete with Cary Grant over there? I notice you're not writing.
Don't waste your time with these two geldings.
Beat it! Real smooth, Cliffie.
It's a good thing she identified herself as a reporter.
Otherwise, she would be Doctor Feelgood's next patient.
Cliff, how long did it take you to create this little world you live in? If you really want the low-down on the singles scene, talk to the owner of the bar, Sam Malone.
He'll give you all the information you need and make you breakfast the next morning.
I've heard every pick-up line imaginable.
I doubt your Mr Malone has anything but a quote that would help me.
Well, la-di-dah.
Hey, good-looking, what have you got cooking? - You must be Sam Malone.
- The one and only.
- Who are you? Do you like Italian food? - I'm Paula Nelson.
Hi, Paula.
I'm writing an article on singles bars for "Boston Scene" magazine.
What is the major allure of this bar for the singles crowd? You're gazing hungrily at him, honey.
You're unbelievable.
- I think he's got a whiff on this one.
- Not in a million years.
Would you say "Cheers" is known as a singles bar? I'll answer that question seriously if you'll answer one of mine seriously.
Do you think it's possible for a man to satisfy a woman too much? In my two weeks of research, you're the first man to hit on me so relentlessly I've ended the interview.
- You should have come to me first.
- Excuse me.
- You're not leaving, are you? - Sam, dig it out.
Come on, you can do it, babe.
You don't really think I meant those juvenile come-ons, do you? - Why wouldn't I? - Hey, you did! She did! No, I was just giving you examples of the stupid things guys say here to pick up women.
- It's sad.
- Yeah.
Well, be that as it may Wait.
It'd be fun to help you.
- You're looking for a quote? - Don't waste my time.
I always say, if it wasn't for people who say they never go to singles bars, singles bars would be out of business.
Didn't Diane say that? When you talk all the time, you're bound to say everything eventually.
- That's almost useable.
- There's more.
Why don't we go up to Melville's? I'll share my thoughts on singles bars and we'll have some bouillabaisse.
Is this another come-on? You're plying me with fish heads? No, no, I promise.
We'll just talk about the article.
OK? - I do love bouillabaisse - I hear it's an aphrodisiac.
But when I'm around, even oxygen is an aphrodisiac.
I can't believe you're not writing down these crude come-ons.
Probably the hardest part of my job is the daily encounter with loneliness Sammy! Put it there, Cliffie! - We're number one! - Number one! Guys? Do you remember anything Diane said about Impressionism? No, but I know she makes a bad first one.
- After that, it gets worse.
- Why are you asking, Sam? I found out Paula likes French Impressionists, so I've got to find some smart things to say.
Yeah, she's an art buff and I'm a Paula-in-the-buff buff.
Give up on this one, Sammy.
I'm doing fine.
We've had two dates, as long as I keep throwing out Dianeisms, there's no problem.
Haven't you had your fill of dames like that? I thought that disaster with Diane would have soured you on brainy women.
Or women.
Or life.
- Listen, I want that woman, Carla.
OK? - What's so special about this woman? Well, if you must know, it's kind of embarrassing to admit, but I've never had a reporter before.
- Get out.
- Well, never a magazine reporter from the Boston area with a circulation of over a million - Yeah, go on.
- lately.
What's special about this one? I don't get it.
I understand it.
He wants the ones he can't have.
Like this dame and me.
Can't anybody think of something Diane said about painters? She's out of your league, Sammy.
Face it, you're just one of us, one of the great unwashed.
Excuse me, Sam? I was all too brief in my response to your inquiry about C├ęzanne.
Backgrounds were very important to him, even in his early period.
Eventually however, he completely broke with Renaissance perspective.
That makes sense.
Thank you very much.
But that's not the reason his paintings looked, as you so eloquently put it, "like he was goofed on skunk weed.
" - You know what I was talking about.
- I'm not putting you down.
I think your new-found interest in the arts is completely laudable.
And I'd like to think that I had something to do with it.
You did.
- Keep it up, big lug.
- Thank you.
Background Important Renaissance.
A- I-S-S-A-N-C-E - Perspective.
- Give up, cucumber brain.
Hey, Sam, you have got a textbook.
What are you asking Diane for? It's more fun to steal than study.
Anyway, it's a hot irony to use Diane's brain to get another woman's body.
I'll be in my office, studying.
Diane, how about those pointillists? Oh I think Seurat was the finest naturalist of his time.
You and me both, sister.
Diane, I'm off to the fetish seminar.
I was hoping for a rapprochement before I go out of town.
Frasier, I thought I had seen you at your lowest last night when you waited until the kiwi tarts and the demitasse to announce you were going to yet another seminar.
This is the most demanding relationship I've ever been in.
Diane, am I pronouncing this right? Giv-er-ny? - Giverny.
- Thank you.
Every time we have a discussion, it turns into What was that all about? Sam is developing an interest in the Impressionists.
- Hmm, what? - Hmm, this is suspicious.
I think it's part of Sam's grand design to win you back.
Not this again.
You sound like a broken record.
Now you're saying I repeat myself.
That I say things over and over.
You do repeat yourself on this subject.
And it's very cynical of you not to believe that Sam is developing a genuine appreciation for culture.
I'm sorry, Diane, just one more art question here.
- What is it, Sam? - All right.
Excuse me.
Now, this Rubens guy.
Is this the same guy that invented that sandwich? - No, I don't think so.
- OK.
I was just wondering.
The women in his paintings look like they really tuck away the groceries.
He'll be a curator in no time.
I hate that attitude! It's obviously futile to try to talk to you in this mood.
This is the number to call me, should you be interested in rational discourse.
You'll rue the day you did that! Oh, Frasier! Diane Oh, damn.
Carla, do you remember if Diane said anything about Renoir's "Bather Seated on a Rock"? Would you give up on that egghead? It didn't work before, it won't now.
I was different before, this time I'll do it right.
You really think it's worth all this trouble? Ever since that woman walked in the door, I've wanted her.
I won't give up just because she thinks she's smarter.
- I don't like her.
- That's quite clear, but it won't stop me.
He wants me.
- Hi.
- Hi.
Sam, if there's anything else I can do to further stimulate and arouse your interest in the arts, let me know.
- Thank you.
- Don't mention it.
I'm so moved by your hunger for knowledge.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! Afternoon, everybody.
So how was your meal at the Hungry Heifer? Cliff was fussy at first, but I think I converted him.
- Really? - Well, yeah, my steak was a little gristly, but what do you expect when they've got a mural of the Heimlich manoeuvre? Carla, take the bar for a minute, I have an important call to make.
Cliffie had the Ton O'T-Bone.
For less than four bucks you get - No, you mean beef.
- Don't be ridiculous, that stuff is beff.
It's a Hungry Heifer trademark for a processed, synthetic, meat-like substance.
- Oh, no.
- What do you expect for four bucks? See me complain about the loobster? Hi, this is Sam Malone.
You remember me, do you? Well, that's great.
I'd like to make a reservation for tomorrow night, but I want a particular room.
Do you remember I was there with a slender blonde who was mad about me? Yeah, I want the same room.
It had a fireplace and a deck and a hot tub.
That's it.
I'd like to have that one, please.
Yeah, I'm hoping it'll create the same old magic.
Thank you, I'll see you tomorrow night.
Sammy, I hate to cast a shadow over your good time, but who will make drinks tomorrow while you're making whoopee? Damn.
I didn't think about that.
- You can handle the bar, can't you? - Give up waiting on tables? I get my heaviest tips in my third trimester.
You think Diane's ready to handle this by herself? What? She's a worse bartender than she is a waitress.
When you made her do it for a couple of hours, she hated it.
Well, I'll just have to ask her nice.
- Well, good luck.
And good night.
- Yeah, good night.
Well, Sam, I guess I'll be going home, unless there's something you'd like to talk to me about, now we're almost alone and we have a private moment.
Actually, there is something I'd like to ask you.
Ask away.
You've been acting kind of strange today.
Is there? Well, I've had something on my mind.
Well, yeah, me, too.
This will be pretty tough to ask you.
Sam? If it makes it any easier, I know what you're going to ask.
- You do? - Yes.
I overheard your conversation, I couldn't help it.
You're going to ask about this weekend, aren't you? Yeah, I know the first time we tried this, it didn't turn out too hot, but I'll take full responsibility for that.
Well, I'm sure that I was at fault, too.
I think the important thing is that it'll be better this time, now you know where everything is.
Well, I suppose that's true.
Yeah, I'll tell you what.
If you like this weekend, maybe we can make it permanent.
What do you say? Permanent? Is that you want, Sam? I'm not making any promises.
Let's just see how the weekend goes, OK? - Is three o'clock OK? I already booked.
- I know.
Sam, I'm just overwhelmed.
Oh, come on.
You don't have to be nervous.
After your first few drinks, you'll relax, and I think you'll actually enjoy it.
Well, it does seem to help.
- Sam! - What? Everything's going so fast.
My mind is a tumult.
I feel like we're on a runaway train.
Where will it end? - I've got to think about this.
I'm sorry.
- You really are taking this seriously.
Don't worry, if you break anything, I'm fully insured.
- Excuse me.
- My fault.
- You take it.
- No, you.
Thank you.
- Nice day for a trip.
- Yes, isn't it? - Where are you off to, uh - Paula.
I'm going away with a gentleman for the weekend.
This is a coincidence, so am I.
- And you're meeting him here? - Yes.
Me, too.
- Small world, huh? - Yeah.
It's my first weekend with this guy and I just hope I'm not making a big mistake.
He's got me puzzled.
I start to think he's a dumb jerk and then he says something intelligent.
Well, I'm lucky, I know mine's a dumb jerk.
But we have something that just won't die.
Kinda like crab grass.
That's a lovely thought.
I know I may be making the biggest mistake of my life.
- I'm seeing an eminent psychiatrist.
- So am I.
Is it helping you? - No, I mean romantically.
- Oh.
And I may be giving all of that up just to rekindle a mostly physical relationship whose only appeal may be its danger.
- Where are you going with this guy? - To an inn on the coast of Maine.
This is amazing.
- You don't mean - Yes.
- Hey, Paula.
- Sam! - It's good to see you.
- You, too.
- Ready for a trip down ecstasy lane? - Yes, I think so.
- Diane, how are you doing? - Fine, great, great.
- Really well.
- Will you be all right here by yourself? You bet.
You two just go off and have nice time.
Thank you.
If you run into any problem, Carla knows where to reach me.
- I appreciate this.
- Bye, Diane.
What's with the suitcase? That's not my suitcase.
Who said it was my suitcase? No, no.
- It looks like yours.
- There are a million of these around.
No, this one belongs to this gentleman.
Sir? Really.
Now don't leave this lying around.
Anybody could just walk right off with it.
It'll never happen again.
- Well, have fun, Sam.
- Yes Thank you, I will.
You! That's the most fun I've had since 1958.