Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Behind Every Great Man

THE MAIL GOES TO JAIL So, Norm, any luck impregnating Vera? I miss the old days when people asked me things like, "How are those Red Sox doing?" Things like that.
Well, excuse me for caring.
I'm sorry, Larry, I'm just a little edgy.
You have to understand I've gone an entire month with sex.
Normie, Larry understands.
Don't you, Larry? But you've been trying for a few weeks now and you've yet to strike paydirt.
Can I ask you a personal question? Heaven forbid this conversation get personal now.
Have you been to a fertility specialist? Yeah, we have, but I don't have a lot of faith in this guy.
He's got Vera sprinkling powdered rhinoceros horn on my morning cereal.
Does it make you feel more virile, Normie? Not really, but every now and then I get this urge to charge a jeep.
- Afternoon, everybody.
- Norm! What would you say to a beer, Normie? Daddy wuvs you.
- It's freezing.
- Didn't you hear? We've given our appliances the winter off.
There's a blockage in the heating.
The furnace is working, but we're not getting hot air.
- What's Sammy going to do? - I cannot believe this helplessness.
How about a little Yankee ingenuity? If Cheers were burning, would you wait for Sam to get back? No, Diane, cos I already taught them the fire drill.
We all file out in an orderly fashion after nailing your hair to the bar.
We don't usually see you this early.
I'm sick, Diane.
I must be coming down with something.
Thought I'd get some coffee here before I finish my route.
- No, Cliff, let me get you a nice brandy.
- No, Coach, I hope I'm never that ill.
That's one thing that'll never touch these lips.
There's something that wants to? Alcohol.
I'm on duty, Carla.
Just a coffee, please, Coach.
I can do better than that for you.
Will somebody go upstairs to Melville's and get this man a bowl of hot soup? What happened to the heat, Coach? Some minor malfunction that no one here is skilled enough to attempt to fix.
Diane, I resent that.
I'm kind of a handy guy.
I'll have you know just the other day I changed one of them - What do you call them? - A light bulb.
Why don't you just call in sick? I could never do that.
It's a matter of principle with me.
I've got to be on the verge of death before I take sick leave.
You used it up to go to Florida.
You got a problem with that? - Here you go, Cliffie.
- Thank you, Norm.
- How many letters you got left? - I don't know.
Seven or eight.
- Boy, this tastes good.
- These are on my way home.
Let me drop these off for you.
I've got to go home anyway.
No, you're not trained.
You're not qualified.
Qualified? You drop them in a slot.
A chimp could do it.
No way.
They did a study at the University of Michigan.
Chimps were 32% slower.
Yeah, they were better with customer relations and everything.
Clifford, he is offering to do you a favour out of friendship for your own good.
Sounds like you have two options.
Either let me deliver these or run the risk of non-delivery - I'll drop these off.
- Thank you, Normie.
In those envelopes are the dreams, hopes and fears of a nation.
Yeah, and several car-wash announcements.
Hey, everybody.
Oh, boy! Holy cow! What happened here? It was warmer in the mountains and we were au natural.
- Coach, did you check the furnace? - It's not the furnace.
It's that damn vent.
I called the repairman.
He's on his way over.
Good.
Bambi, it's up to you and me to generate a little heat for these folks.
Don't bother.
We'll just huddle around a three-watt light bulb.
Feisty little barmaid.
I took her in off the streets.
She's crude, but devoted.
I had a terrific time.
Thank you.
Thank you, Sam.
It was the best ski trip I ever had.
- Yeah.
Me, too.
- Did you find any time for skiing? No, darn it.
Somebody stole our skis.
We had to spend the whole weekend in the lodge.
That's too bad.
But when we were leaving, they turned up in the rack on the roof of Sam's car.
Some kids must have stolen them for a joy-ski.
Disrespectful punks.
I've got to get going.
I have to be at BU in half an hour.
BU? That's Boston University, isn't it, Bambi? - That's right.
- Where the smart types hang out.
- What are you studying? - I'm not studying.
I'm going to be part of a fraternity stunt.
Yeah, she's tutoring some of the boys.
- In a way.
See you later, Sam.
- You take care.
Well, I guess I better take a look at this air duct.
Sometimes the problem's over here.
Bambi? Yeah, what's wrong with that? Well, I suppose it's better than Dumbo or Goofy.
Not as appropriate, but Coach, can I have my flashlight, please? You know, Sam I can't help but noticing that Bambi wasn't the same little deer that you left here with on Friday.
No, I got rid of Cindy.
We weren't compatible.
Really? What was the problem there? Dumb as a post.
With so much in common, I can't imagine why you two went awry.
No, I'm serious.
She wasn't my intellectual equal.
You should have said you're looking for an intellectual equal.
I could introduce you to something that's growing on my shower curtain.
Thank you, Diane, but I think I'll wait and see how Bambi works out.
I've done just about everything I know what to do.
You shined a flashlight on it.
Yeah, it usually works, too.
This one's really got me stumped.
Could somebody go up to Melville's and get me a little bit more soup? Larry? You're not doing anything important there.
- Yeah, all right.
- Good man.
- Thanks a lot.
- I suppose you want some crackers? Well, those low-sodium kind, all right? - What's he doing in my office? - The guy is sick as a dog.
Coach, I'm not so bad now.
I could probably sit up at the bar there and let Larry bring dinner down to me.
- Cliff Clavin? - Yeah, Officer.
What's the trouble? - Do you know a Norm Peterson? - Yeah.
What is it? He's at the station.
We've arrested him for mail theft.
- You made a mistake.
- There's no mistake.
We caught him messing with mail boxes on your route.
He had a handful of letters.
He said he was delivering them for you.
- I asked him to.
- You asked him to? Well, you're out of a job, fella.
Excuse me, Officer, you interrupted me before I finished.
I asked him to quit following me.
I had him pegged as a sociopath right away.
He's a frustrated mailman.
We call it postal envy.
Anything serious going to happen to this ne'er-do-well? - Not serious enough.
- I rue the day they outlawed flogging.
Bleeding hearts.
How well do you know this guy? We talk every now and then.
He's a portly guy, isn't he? Full size.
What will happen to this Patterson fella? - Peterson.
- Officer, I'm the owner of the bar here.
Sam Malone.
Is there a problem? No.
Some guy tried to implicate this letter carrier in a mail theft on his route.
- Crazy.
- You're kidding me.
Mail theft? Ridiculous.
I've known Cliff for years.
He wouldn't be involved in that.
You're a fine bartender.
You are one of Boston's finest.
Thanks.
We just had to check out the story.
And check it out you did.
The Federal government appreciates the cooperation of you local boys.
Let's hope our penal system can rehabilitate the wretch.
Thank you.
Can you believe that? - Let's shoot some stick.
- Sure.
They arrested a guy on Cliff's route for mail theft.
- You want eight ball or straight pool? - Norman was finishing your route.
- Clifford? - What was that? You mean they arrested Norm? You didn't straighten the cop out? It's a bit complicated.
Sam, do you want to break? - Clifford, get back here.
- Isn't it obvious what I did here? Yeah, it's obvious what you've done.
You've run your best friend Norm up the river.
We're in trouble here.
My job's hanging by a thread.
Norm's in jail anyway.
Just leave him there a little longer while I figure out what's the best thing to do.
- Norm will be OK.
- Norm isn't at some party, you know? By now he's probably had all his valuables taken, been strip-searched, been deloused and thrown into a dark, cold cell with a sex-starved pervert.
So? That's how he describes a typical evening at home.
Hey, come on! I'm looking for an attorney that specialises in criminal federal offences.
You're going to be defending the best friend I have and money is no object.
How much? For one guy? Stick your writ in your briefs, you ambulance chaser.
Let's let a young public defender make a name for himself on this one.
I wish you'd see this through my eyes.
I'd like to see this through your eyes.
Come on, Carla.
Norm's such a sweet, cuddly guy.
The jury will look in his sad eyes.
They won't fry him.
- But my career hangs in the balance.
- I'd like to see you hang in the balance.
I notice a certain recurring theme in your comments here, Carla.
Norm was doing you a favour.
You don't even know if you are going to get into trouble, Cliffie.
Will you get off my back? I'll do the gutsy thing and call the post office and get Norm out of there.
I'll call them and tell them it was the O'Hara kid.
He won't mind time in jail, if you get my drift.
- This isn't a joke.
- Where's your sense of humour? If Norm was here, he'd laugh.
If Norm was here, he'd tear out your tonsils and feed them to you.
All right, I'll call and see what the penalty is, but it's got to be anonymous.
OK, everybody in favour of Cliff calling, raise your hand.
It's anonymous.
Not even an extension.
It's just what I wanted to hear.
How'd you make out, Sam? Lousy.
They won't let Norm go unless the post office drops charges.
Cliff's going to have to tell the truth.
I've got to talk to him.
- He's on the phone now.
- Confessing? No, he's finding out what would happen if he did.
Meantime, you got other problems.
The furnace guy didn't show up? No.
We decided somebody should climb into the duct and try to open it.
- Who? - The skinniest person we could think of.
You're kidding me.
Diane agreed to crawl around in the air duct? She had to.
She'd been shooting her face off about it all day.
- Where is she? - I'm beneath you.
I always knew that, but My goodness! Well, looky here.
- How about that.
- I'm glad you find this amusing.
What are you doing down there? Aerobics, you idiot.
Why don't you get out of there, so I can fix it? I can't crawl any further and my clothes are snagged on something.
I can't back up.
I'm stuck right here.
OK, egg-toss fans, step right up! Hit the geek and win a beer.
Three eggs for a nickel.
Sam, aren't you going to step in? You bet your booties I am.
I only got a dime, give me six.
Sam, please.
Carla, how could you suggest such a thing? Terrible.
I'll go down in the basement and see if I can get you out.
Thank you.
Sam, will you put the grate back, please? Someone almost stepped on my face.
With the cutest little satin pumps.
- Thanks.
- All right? My supervisor confirmed exactly what I had suspected all along.
That he hired you as a token weenie.
No, he said a courier who let somebody else deliver his mail could face a hearing where he could be suspended or even relieved from duty.
- What about Norm? - Norm's got no previous record.
They'll just give him a suspended sentence and a sharp reprimand.
Cliff, you're wrong.
You know you're wrong.
- You should be ashamed of yourself.
- Coach is right, Clifford.
You don't deserve to have a friend like Norman if you let him down now.
So either you go in there and straighten this out or we will.
We're never going to let you show your face in here again.
All right.
I'll call my supervisor and explain the whole thing in the morning.
- Now! - All right.
Now.
I'll go explain the whole thing now.
I want you all to know that this is going to mean the end for me.
Yeah, I'll be a civilian, one of the crowd.
There's a lot of things I'll miss, too.
The free mucilage, the twine.
The open-with-care labels we stick on our flies at the Christmas party.
The uniform, the respect.
I'm leaving here a mailman.
I'm coming back a nobody.
Diane, I can't get to you.
The opening of the air duct is too small.
Coach, call the furnace man, please, and tell him it's an emergency.
I already called him again, honey, this evening.
He said he might not make it at all.
- Sam, do something.
- I know somebody else I can call.
But listen.
I mean this.
If you say the word, I will rip this floor up to get you out of there.
- Do it, Sam, please.
- That's not the word.
- Swine.
- No, you're getting colder.
Come on, now, sweetheart, open up.
You don't know how long you're going to be in there.
You've got to stay warm.
There you go! I'm sorry.
You know, Diane, the important thing here is just to relax and stay calm.
Just remember, rats sense fear.
Here you go, darling.
How's that? Sam, I'm not hungry and I'm not cold.
I just want to get out of here.
I know, sweetheart.
The guy I called said he'll be here in a minute.
Say Just on the off chance that the guy's not able to get you out of there, don't you think you'd feel better if you declared your love for me now, while you still had the chance? You're right, Sam.
What did you say? Let go! She said she loves me, always has, always will.
You're off the clock, sweetheart.
Only a dollar? No, it's happy hour.
It's only 50 cents.
Pucker up, baby! Hold it.
Go sit down! How could you do that? It's all right, Sammy.
He had all his shots in the army.
Great news, everybody! Because of my spotless record, I only received a 30-day suspension.
What about Norm? Is he getting out? My supervisor already called the cops.
Virtue triumphs again.
Set them up, Sammy, drinks are on me.
I guess I've got to give you credit.
That wasn't an easy thing to do.
What do you suppose is going to happen when the big guy walks through that door? Our attitude should be he's paid his debt to society.
Let him start a new life.
That's not exactly what Carla had in mind, Cliff.
He's going to be sore at you, Cliffo.
- I suppose he is and perhaps justly so.
- Perhaps? Underneath that anger is going to be love and understanding.
We go back a long way, he and I.
When that big fella comes in, I'm just going to go up to him, admit my error and ask for his forgiveness.
- Here comes Norm now.
- Good.
If I know him, his understanding will not long be withheld.
Come on, you guys! - I'll kill him! - Come on.
- But first I want to hurt him a whole lot.
- Take him over there.
Get him out of here.
Out of this bar, out of my life for ever.
Normie, I'll go.
But I want you to remember one thing.
I confessed and got you out of jail.
I wouldn't have been in jail if it wasn't for you! All right, I'm sorry about that, Normie.
I'm really sorry, but try and understand.
Your job's just a job, but being a mailman's my whole identity.
I risked my whole world, my entire life, to buy your freedom, because I love you, Norm.
Come on, Norm, isn't there something Cliff can do? Norman, he's right.
What is your heart telling you? - Never mind.
It's a long story.
- Goodbye, Norm.
All right, wait, Cliffie.
I guess we have been friends a long time.
You are, by nature, a weasel.
There's something you can do for me, I guess.
You can buy me a beer with your pants around your ankles.
- You can't be serious, Norm.
- Ankles, Cliffie.
Standing on that stool while barking like a seal.
Let's not stay.
There'll be a cover charge.
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