Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Love Thy Neighbor

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
You sure you don't wanna have another round? Not me, pal.
Let's get out of here.
What's the damage, Mac? Oh, just let me figure it up here.
That'll be 27.
50.
Ouch.
You sure? Yep, you two gentlemen had four peach daiquiris and three crème de menthe frappés.
Something funny, dipstick? In the paper this morning, yeah, it seems that, oh, the Sarge got tricked by Beetle Bailey again.
See, Beetle put some itching powder in his shorts.
Oh, we thought that maybe you was laughing at our drink order.
Oh, on the contrary.
No, no, no-- Woody, let me have another mocha froth, will you? And keep them coming.
Hey, guess who's gonna interview me on the radio tonight? Someone with a taste for adventure.
- Dave Richards, my old buddy.
- Hey.
And a 2-by-4 for a brain.
I need Dewar's rocks, please.
What's your big problem with Dave? I mean, ever since he came in this place, you've been badmouthing the guy.
For some strange reason, I find it hard to respect a man with the bumper sticker "Honk if you're horny.
" - That's pretty good.
- Yeah.
Honk, honk, honk! Oh, there's news.
Hey, Sam, what time do you have to be at the radio station? No, it's a phone interview.
You know, it's that sports talk show that Dave does after the Red Sox games.
- Evening, everybody.
- Norm! - What do you say, Norm? - Well, I never met a beer I didn't drink.
And down it goes, huh? - We missed you last night, buddy.
- You did? - Yeah.
- Well, Vera and I went out dancing with the Henshaws.
The next-door neighbours.
- Oh, what, again? - Normie, dancing? - Yeah.
- I didn't think you liked walking.
You kidding? I love dancing.
I could watch for hours.
You don't dance yourself? Vera's the dancer in our family.
She even has dancer's buns, Sammy.
Too bad they're on her calves, though.
You know, it's kind of So, Normie, who was the--? Who was Vera dancing with then? - The guy, Ron Henshaw.
- Oh, yeah? - Yeah.
Good dancer.
- Oh, is he? Well, they dance the slow dances, do they? Yeah, a few times.
Why do you ask, Cliff? Oh, no reason, no reason.
But you know, during the slow dances, certain parts of the body rub up against one another.
You know, thigh touches thigh, purely by accident.
Before you know it, you're hosing them off like dogs.
It's good clean fun, all right, Cliffy? Yeah, well, I know which way the wind blows.
Yeah, usually out of your mouth.
Cheers.
Oh, yeah, he's right here.
Sam, it's some guy from the radio station.
Dave's ready to go on the air! All right, all right, I'll be in my office.
Pipe down.
I can't believe I'm talking to a real radio station.
Hey, hey, listen, while I've got you, could you please play "Roxanne" and dedicate it to my girl? No, no, her name's Beth.
But I don't think there's a song called "Beth.
" Oh, hi, Sam.
Oh, right, I'll hang up.
Goodbye.
Well, it's not really goodbye because we're not actually-- Right now? Yes, okay.
They're ready.
- What's the score? - What's the line? - Who's ahead? - Who's behind? Hey, let's ask Dave! Who's behind? Come on, can we say that on the air? Yes, it's me, Dave Richards, with Sports Shorts.
Well, we don't have much time because the Red Sox were involved in another long, boring extra-inning game.
So let's get right to tonight's guest.
He's former Red Sox relief pitcher and one of my buds, Sam Malone.
How you doing? Sure am, Dave.
How are you? - Just great.
And you? - Couldn't be better.
That's great to hear.
Boy, we've had some fun Where does one send for a transcript? Well, I think we've hogged the airwaves long enough, Sam.
So let's open up those phone lines for you listeners out there.
Got a question you've been dying to ask Sam Malone? Well, here's your chance.
Former major league great Mayday Malone.
All the lines are clear, and it is a toll-free call.
It doesn't have to be about baseball.
Anything at all.
Anything.
Hey, we've got a call.
You're on the Shorts.
Hey, Sam, where'd you put the olives? Woody-- Woody, get off the-- Get off the phone! - He said, "Anything at all.
" - Here's another one.
- Go ahead.
- Sam, you were known as quite a ladies' man during your playing days.
Are women more impressed by a man in a baseball uniform? Well, actually I found women were a lot more impressed when I was out of my uniform, if you get my drift.
Hey.
No, seriously, you know, a lot of the chicks I dated know nothing about the game of baseball at all.
You know, in fact, one former love bunny actually brought a book to a Red Sox game to pass time between pitches.
- "Love bunny"? - A book? You mean, like, to read? I swear to God, Dave.
Gee, I wonder who that was, Diane.
--his grandchildren about that.
Anyway, this is Dave Richards saying, "Be a sport.
Don't be a jerk.
" Goodbye.
Great show.
Hey, do you love me, public? Love bunny? What's wrong with that? How dare you callously and cruelly lump me in with the other conglomeration of Twinkies that constitutes your sexual past.
There's just no pleasing that woman.
- Hello, Norm.
- Oh, Phyllis.
- What are you doing here? - Well, I took the chance - I might find you here.
- Whoa, what are the odds? You guys, this is Phyllis Henshaw.
- Hi.
- So where's Ron? I don't know.
Could we talk privately? Sure, yeah.
Just follow me here.
- Can I get you anything? - No.
No, thank you.
What's up? Norm, I've been trying to think of an easy way to say this, but I can't.
I think Vera and Ron are having an affair.
Vera and Ron? Did you guys all get that back there? That's just great.
How about you guys? Did you get that, everyone? Come on, let's just get away from the peanut gallery here.
This is kind of hard to believe, Phyllis.
I mean, what makes you think they are? - Oh, Norm, come on.
You're not blind.
- What? What? Haven't you seen the way they look at each other when they're dancing? And I don't have to tell you how attractive Vera is.
No, you certainly don't.
And Ron's always going over to "borrow" things from you.
Yeah, but-- Well, all right, yeah.
Now, Vera said that he came over yesterday to borrow a power drill, - but I really - Norm, we have a power drill.
Variable speed? Yes.
- Cordless? - Oh, my God! Phyllis, this doesn't necessarily mean anything.
Well, we have to find out.
I think we ought to hire a private detective.
No, I think you're jumping the gun a little bit.
- Oh, are we? - Yes.
Yeah, I do.
Well, Ron told me he'd be home all night.
Let's just see if he is.
Phyllis, I'm sure-- Look-- Get-- So, what's up, buddy? It's probably nothing, I hope.
Oh, come on, Norm.
Fill us in, will you? I mean, we're-- We're your friends here.
We're sensitive and caring, and our only concern is your support.
You know that, Norman.
Well, all right, how much did you overhear so far? Well, everything but the location where they're satisfying their pagan lust.
No, this just can't be true, Mr Peterson.
They wouldn't do that.
I mean, they're both married, for Pete's sake.
How old are you? Well, what--? What happened? Ron's not home.
- Hire a private dick, Norm.
- Hey, my cousin Santo's a gumshoe, - and a great one.
- Great, great.
He's professional, thorough and a master of disguise.
- I'm sure he is.
- Not just as people either, but things.
Furniture.
I mean, he could be here right now.
Norman, I think it's a mistake.
Don't give in to suspicion.
Baloney! Hire Santo.
Better safe than sorry.
- No, Norm - Norman, trust-- Trust-- Who are these people? All right.
Wait a minute.
Just-- Would you wait a minute, now? Phyllis, you may not know about Ron, but Vera happens to love me, all right? And I certainly love her.
I'm gonna call her right this minute.
- Yeah.
- I'm gonna tell her that.
- Yeah.
- She better be there to hear it.
She will.
Oh, hi, honey.
No, nothing, nothing, I just, actually, called to tell you that I love you.
The usual time.
All right, fine.
Yeah, bye.
Bye.
She said she's just sitting home alone listening to records.
Oh, I could hear Johnny Mathis singing in the background.
There you go.
I knew it.
Now, that's good news, isn't it, Mr Peterson? Yeah.
It'd even be better if we had a Johnny Mathis album.
We have one.
All right, Carla, call your cousin.
Hey.
Did you enjoy your dinner? Hey.
Hey, listen.
Excuse me, miss? Are you or are you not speaking to me? Never ever again.
How could you? After all we've been through.
What we had together was real and special, and now you've cheapened it for all eternity by broadcasting to the entire Boston metropolitan area that I was nothing but an odalisque in your seraglio.
If that's your idea of the silent treatment, it needs a little work.
Oh, come on All right, all right, whatever it is I said, and whatever the hell it was that you just said, what if--? What if I go back on the air there and apologize? Will that fix things up? Do whatever you want.
I couldn't care less.
Keep it short and simple.
Something dignified.
No sweat.
I'll write the script for you.
Well, is there anything else you can tell me? No.
No, I think that's just about everything.
When can you start? Look, you both seem like nice people, huh? Do yourselves a favour.
Don't hire me.
Well, that's an interesting sales pitch you have there, - but we're quite serious about this.
- And you don't know what you're letting yourselves in for here.
A lot of pain, a lot of heartache, a lot of misery.
And that's just when you see the bill.
My cousin, she's a pistol.
Mr Carbone, by hiring you, we hope to prove our spouses innocent.
- Yeah, there you go.
- Well, in most of these cases the news is otherwise.
Believe me, I've seen it a million times.
A bored husband, fed up with leftovers in the bedroom as well as the kitchen, starts eyeing the cute little pastry tart next door who's only too happy to serve up a little dessert.
That's not true in our case, is it, Norm? No.
No way.
Anyone else hungry? Look, nothing like this has ever happened before.
Up until now, we've both had happy marriages.
Please, believe me, people who don't know are better off.
- Could you excuse us for a minute? - Yeah, sure.
Well, Norm, what do you think? I'm not so sure we should hire this guy.
Well, if we're being made fools of, I'd prefer to know it.
Can't we just assume it and save a little money here? All right, look, Mr Carbone, we're gonna hire your services, all right? Your funeral.
- Thanks for the referral, Carla.
- Yeah, see you, Santo.
Yeah.
- You're Diane Chambers, aren't you? - Yes, I am.
You look familiar.
Weren't you an attendant at Goldenbrook? That was just my cover.
Santo was the one who I hired to track you down at the insane asylum.
It wasn't an insane asylum, damn it! It was more like a spa.
You're out already, huh? Of course I'm out.
- Why wouldn't I be out? - No reason.
Look, you take it easy.
Okay, Sam Malone is back on the show with a prepared statement that he's gonna read.
Go ahead, Sammy.
Ladies and gentlemen, a week ago on this program, l, Sam Malone, committed a faux pas of the highest magnitude.
I insensitively included a wonderful woman in a category in which she certainly did not merit inclusion.
I apologize to her and indeed to women everywhere, both living and dead, whose sensibilities may have been offended.
Yeah, yeah, well, whatever peels your potatoes, Sam.
Our next guest is a guy that played-- - Very well done.
Thank you, Sam.
- Yeah? You're welcome, little love bunny.
Oy vey.
You all right, Mr Peterson? You've been awful quiet tonight.
I was thinking about a high school football game, actually.
That was a long time ago, Woody.
And far away from here.
We were playing our archrivals for the state championship, you know? And I saw the cutest little cheerleader that I've ever seen in my life just cheering her heart out.
Yeah.
I looked at her, and the sun seemed to be shining only where she stood.
You know what I mean? And she seemed to be everything that was bright and pure and good.
I knew right then and there that l wanted to make that little gal my wife.
So I turned to Vera, and I said, "Honey, would you mind introducing me to that cheerleader?" I'm joking, Woody.
Of course that little cheerleader was Vera.
Hey, can I ask you a question, Mr Peterson? - Sure, Woody.
- Who won the game? You know, I really couldn't tell you who won, Woody, but tonight I sure know who lost.
Well, can't you figure it out from that? - Could I have another beer, please? - Yeah.
Coming up.
Norm.
Hi, I just got a call from Mr Carbone.
He's gonna drop by with his report in a few minutes.
- Did he say anything? - No, he said he wanted to wait and talk to us in person.
Oh, man.
Could we wait in the backroom, where it's private? All right.
Sure.
- Oh, Norm, where did we go wrong? - I don't know.
I've been racking my brain trying to figure it out.
I mean, day after day, night after night, I sit on that stool out there wondering, "Why did she lose interest in me?" Norm, listen.
Whatever the outcome, I want you to know I couldn't have gotten through this without you.
You've been a tower of strength.
You've been great too, Phyllis.
Thank you.
What if the news is bad? I mean, what then? - Well, I know what I'm gonna do.
- Oh, yeah? I'm gonna go right out and have an affair myself.
Maybe lots of them.
You are darn right.
That's exactly what I'm gonna do.
Just watch my dust.
Of course, the difficult part is finding the right person.
It's hard, all right.
Now, that's always the hard part.
You know, it would have to be someone who really understands me.
You know what I mean? Someone you could depend on? But who? I wouldn't know where to begin.
I'd be completely lost.
Of course, I wouldn't wanna break up a marriage like those two home wreckers.
Those jackals.
Adulterers.
Fornicators.
All right-- Oh, for God's sakes! Boy, this is one for the books.
God help us all.
All right.
Just-- No commentary, please.
Skip it and just give us the report here.
All right, all right.
I followed them everywhere.
From the supermarket to the movie theatre to the golf course.
Last night I got what I wanted at the Sea Shanty restaurant.
- Well, let's hear the tape.
- Yeah, let's.
I don't wanna hang around here any longer than I gotta.
- We've put this off too long.
- Well, we wanted to be sure - about some things.
- Right, l-- - Busboy dropped a tray.
- What did she say? - I couldn't hear a thing.
- What did you say? I said I can't go through with it.
I just can't hurt Norm.
I feel exactly the same way.
I can't hurt Norm either.
- Well, I guess that's that.
- Yeah, I just realized in a strange kind of way that I still love him.
With all his faults.
He's never home.
And so he hangs out in some bar downtown.
As far as our sex life goes, he's not exactly Don Juan.
It's more like Don of the Dead.
I think we get the gist here.
So nothing went on.
Nothing.
Vera and Ron happen to be two of the sweetest people I ever ran across.
They actually changed my mind about this filthy business.
Then I walk in here, and I'm right back in the sewer.
Well, you'll pardon me if I go home now, won't you? I mean, suddenly I feel like a shower.
Hey-- You know-- I'm gonna miss him.
I Well that's good news then, right, Norm? Yeah, I guess so.
So I guess we don't have to go out and find somebody to have an affair with.
Guess not.
Norm, can I ask you something? Yeah.
When we kissed before, did anything happen? Of course something happened.
Why would you ask that? You don't believe what Vera said about our sex life? - No, no, not at all.
- Okay.
Fine.
It's just that, well, you know, just because Ron and Vera didn't do anything doesn't mean that we have to Well, what I'm trying to say is, is that when we kissed something happened to me.
When I heard that tape, Phyllis, something happened to me.
I realized how much Vera means to me.
Well, then, why don't you just run on home to your precious little wife? All right, I'm gonna.
I'm gonna do just that.
Right after a couple more beers.
- I'm sorry, Norm.
- No, no, no.
You know, in a strange kind of way, I like Vera.
Yeah, well, that's the only kind of way you can.
Oh, stop it.
Yeah.
I kind of like her too.
- You know, she's a lucky woman.
- Come on.
You are a definite hunk.
Bye-bye.
Norm Peterson hunk.
- Hi there.
- Get lost.
Right.