Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - One Last Fling

CARLA: Hey, Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
FRASIER: Hi, Wood.
Let me get a beer, will you? Oh, say, what'd you do to your thumb there? Oh, well, it's a long story, but, uh, I was playing this guy some pool last night, and I had this one- four-seven combination.
Yeah.
So, I was trying to show off and sink all of them in one shot, but the balls were positioned in such a way that I had to lean way over the edge of the table and get in a kind of twisted-up Yeah, so, what, you fell and you broke your thumb? No.
I still couldn't get the shot, so I went and got the bridge and I got up on a chair and I put all my weight on the bridge.
And it snapped and you fell and broke your thumb? No.
I made the shot and I beat the guy.
Oh, so he got angry and he broke your thumb, right? No, I beat him fair and square and he paid me the ten bucks he owed me.
So, how did you break your thumb? I slipped on the ice on the way home.
Woody, why did you go into all that long-winded detail about the game? Well, now, it wouldn't have been much of a story without the pool stuff.
Hello, Woody.
What happened to your thumb? Oh, I slipped on the ice.
Woody, why didn't you tell him the long, drawn-out version? That's the guy I was playing pool with.
(piano plays) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Taking a break from all your worries ♪ Sure would help a lot ♪ ♪ Wouldn't you like to get away♪ ♪ Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You want to be where you can see Our troubles are all the same You want to be where everybody knows your name You want to go where people know People are all the same You want to go where everybody knows your name.
What the hell is keeping Diane? I'm gonna be late for school.
School, Carla? Well, I must say I'm delightfully astonished.
You know, I've always held that adult education is one of the finest gifts that one can give oneself.
Kudos on joining the ever-burgeoning ranks of enlightened, wondering minds seeking betterment through knowledge.
It's traffic school, you nimrod.
You got pinched, huh, Carla? Yeah, speeding.
But it wasn't my fault.
There was a leaf stuck on my windshield, and I had to gun her up to 80 to blow it off.
What, and the cop didn't believe you? No.
Couldn't be bribed, either.
Carla, what, you offered a policeman money? Money? With a body like this? Huh.
Hello, everyone.
We're back.
Sammy, where you been, man? Picking china patterns.
This may have been the stupidest morning of my life.
Oh, Sam, don't forget.
Tomorrow we register for flatware.
The second stupidest.
Well, did you select something nice? We've committed to Royal Doulton's Carlisle for the fine china, but Sam still hasn't made up his mind about the everyday ware.
Yes, I have.
I, I like the dishes with the different colored flowers.
Oh, ish! Come on, I love those.
They're just like I had when I was a kid.
They're real pretty, and-and if you don't like the food on your plate, you can hide it in the pattern.
Okay, fine.
Well, uh, why don't you think about it, and if you still insist that they're not the most garish, bourgeois, stomach-turningly ugly pattern in the book, then that's what we'll get.
She's making me nuts with this wedding stuff.
So, ditch her.
You know, if I had my way, I would find the nearest justice of the peace and, and tie the knot.
You know, that's not such a bad idea.
Right.
Or you could ditch her.
Don't you have traffic school, or something? Nuts! Now I'm gonna be late! Well, I guess I can make it if I run all the yellows.
Sam Yo.
I've got Penelope from the bridal registry on the line, and we're going back over the linen choices.
Now, for the fingertip towels in the guest bath, do we want monogrammed, or is that too ootsie? The second thing you said.
I agree.
Of course a simple initial can be elegant.
Oh, I think you'd better look at the picture.
I need a man's opinion.
Frasier, help Diane, will you please? Sam, these will be our fingertip towels for the rest of our lives.
We'd better get married quick, or I'm gonna kill her.
All right, all right, that's it.
Bachelor party here tonight.
What are you talking about? Well, didn't you hear the man? Uh, they might be eloping.
And I'm not gonna be, uh, done out of my right as best man to, uh, throw him the best wingding of the century.
All right now, so what're we gonna have? Just a second here, Cliff.
Uh, Sam asked you to be his best man? Well, not in so many words, but, uh, you know, who's closest? So, uh (everybody talking) Hold on now, I don't know.
I may not have known Sam as long as some of you guys, but we're pretty darned close.
I think I'm kind of like the brother he never had.
Wait, Woody, Sam has a brother.
Guess we're not as close as I thought.
Well, look, I think we better throw the greatest bachelor party for the greatest bachelor who ever lived.
Tell you what.
I'll pick up some deli platters and some champagne, and you guys can just reimburse me, you know, at your leisure, all right? CLIFF: Why didn't you say so in the first place? Okay, we got the food and the drink taken care of.
Now we need a little bit of entertainment.
Who's gonna? Well, I-I think tradition calls for, uh, what about a stag film, huh? Yeah, yeah.
Yeah, I think there's a place on my route that might sell them.
Uh, the, uh, Hot and Nasty Video Boutique.
Yeah, I think there might be one or two laying around there.
Okay, we got the food, drink, entertainment.
Now all we need is a, uh, a girl jumping out of the cake.
(general agreement) Oh, yeah, I've seen them do that in the movies all the time.
That seems like a waste of good cake to me.
You see, Woody, the cake is really immaterial.
It's the girl who's the actual dessert.
Right.
Well, then I think it should be Miss Chambers.
FRASIER: Ooh.
Aw, come on.
you know, no guy wants his fiancée jumping out of a cake.
It's, I mean, it's like taking your mother to the prom.
(chuckling) Or so I'm told.
PAUL: Okay, okay, okay, so where can we get Sammy someone hot? Dare we look in his book? Nah, Sammy's had all those girls.
Oh, Sam, stop being such a grumble-bunny.
Just grit your teeth and pick out a dust ruffle.
Guys, I still say we're missing a bet right under our noses.
Look, pal, trust me Oh, it's that's okay.
Listen, I it wouldn't hurt to ask.
CLIFF: No, no, no, no, don't, don't Excuse me, Miss Chambers? Yes, Woody? Uh Uh, would you like to jump out of Sam's bachelor party cake? Woody, I abhor such juvenile, sexist male rituals.
Yeah, but would you do it? Just checking.
All right, guys, you're right.
We're going to have to find some other beautiful girl to be Sam's dessert.
Wait a minute.
(laughing) I, I just realized why you want me, the bride-to-be, to jump from the cake.
It's a wonderful irony.
(laughs) Oh Of course I'll do it.
Of course.
Oh, great.
Imagine me, of all people, missing the point of a joke.
(laughing) Hey, don't worry about it, Miss Chambers.
It even happens to me.
NORM: Sammy, uh, what time you got there, man? I'd better be getting home to, uh, Vera.
(yawning): Oh, yeah.
(everybody talking and yawning) Yeah, you know what they say: "An early bird catches the obsessive-compulsive.
" (laughing) 'Night, Sam.
MAN: Oh, boy! They sure took off in a hurry, didn't they? Yeah, but that doesn't seem suspicious to you, does it? No, I I guess not.
Oh, hey, I have an idea.
You go in the back and total these receipts, and we'll get out of here.
Okay.
All right.
Say, Woody, when I come back out here, there's not going to be a surprise for me, is there? A surprise party, maybe? No.
You're not lying, are you? Sam, you'd know if I was lying.
I'd I'd tell you.
Right.
I'll, uh, I'll be in my office.
WOODY: All right.
Come on in, guys.
He doesn't suspect a thing.
Come on down, fellas.
(half-whispers) Shh, shh, shh, shh.
Okay? In the words of the immortal bard, "Party!" (silent cheering) Uh, Sam, you can go home now.
EVERYONE: Surprise! (whooping and cheering) (laughter and applause) Wow! Sam, you should have seen the look on your face! (music playing on video) SAM: Ooh! FRASIER: Hey! All right! (guys whooping) Boy! Thanks, guys.
Yeah, man.
That last scene gave me new respect for rowing machines.
I hear you, bud.
Ooh! Hey, you guys, oh! Thank you.
This has been fantastic.
I have to admit that I used to think that bachelor parties were kind of embarrassing.
Get the lights! SAM: Oh, God, not again (guys cheering) Girl in there, right? Well Just your type.
So make the obligatory speech and have at her! GUYS: Yeah! Oh, no, I can't do it.
I you know (scoffs) No, I-I know you went to a lot of trouble.
I'm sorry, but it just wouldn't be right.
CLIFF: What? Come on, Sammy.
What is this? Malone, King of the Road! (everyone whooping) Better make hay, buddy.
After this, it is one woman for the rest of your life.
Oh, boy.
EVERYONE: Yeah I-I never really thought about it in those terms before.
One woman for the rest of my life.
(everyone chuckles) I mean, don't get me wrong.
I mean, she's she's a she's a great woman, but, uh there's only one of her for the rest of my life.
But, you know, it'll go quickly.
Just go-go ahead, cut the cake.
Boy, it really makes you think.
You know, I've been a bachelor a good long time.
I mean, a good lot of women.
Now there won't be any more women.
Just woman.
One woman.
Yeah, but what a woman! I mean, you know what? I've got an idea.
Why don't we have some cake? (everyone agreeing) One perfume.
One set of earlobes.
Not, not even sensitive earlobes.
One pair of lips flapping in my ears day after day until I die.
Oh, my God! Sammy, Sammy, that's great.
Look, we got a big, wonderful cake here, you know, with a with a very special surprise inside which just might spoil if you don't shut up! Uh I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
What am I doing? I mean, if I'm going to tie myself to the old ball and chain, I might as well get one last night of freedom in here.
(everyone agreeing) Okay, bring her out here.
Strap her on.
Come on.
EVERYONE: Yeah! Strap this on! Sam, you should see the look on your face! Hi, guys.
Hey, Carla, how was traffic school? Eh, it was all right.
NORM: Yeah? Well, don't all those gory movies they show kind of turn your stomach a bit? Hey, Norm, you're forgetting I've seen Diane without makeup.
Hello, everyone.
Hi.
Hello, you.
Let me help you with that.
Well, all right.
Boy, you look fantastic, dear.
That is a great outfit on you.
Sam Hmm? You make a lousy sycophant.
Yes, but I make a great margarita.
May I speak to you in your office, please? Sure, anything you want.
You bet cha.
SAM: Oh, come on, smile.
DIANE: For some reason, I don't feel like smiling.
Did I ever tell you how cute you are when you're mad? Come on, listen, snap out of this, will you? I mean, I-I didn't say all that stuff last night to hurt your feelings.
My feelings aren't hurt.
I just feel bad for you.
Sentenced to a life with one perfume one set of insensitive earlobes, one set of lips flapping in your ear till you die.
Come on! I was with a bunch of guys.
I mean, they forced me to make a speech.
How the hell did I know my fiancée was hiding in the cake, taking dictation? Did you mean it, Sam? No.
See, it's just this this whole marriage thing's kind of snuck up on me, that's all.
I mean, I'm happy that you're the only woman I'll make love to again ever.
(fingers snapping) Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but-but, you see I mean, if I had known that the last one was going to be the last one, I-I-I would've prepared myself for it.
Sweetheart, it's kind of like popcorn.
Now, you-you can munch away as long as you know there's a bowlful, but, you know, if all of a sudden, it's all gone, there's nothing left but the salt and the duds, well, you feel bad, because if you'd known the last kernel was the last one, you would've savored it.
Am I making myself clear on this? Oh, yes, yes Oh.
I'm salt and duds.
Well, I-I-I don't know.
I I don't know what to say to make this right, except I'm sorry.
Would 24 hours of wild, uninhibited, hedonistic sexual carousing with anything in a tube top suffice? In-in a-addition to saying I'm sorry? Sam, you can apologize till the cows come home, but it won't alleviate the problem.
After much consideration, I propose that you go on a flesh binge.
Sow your wild oats.
Get it out of your system.
Savor your last kernel of popcorn.
Are you serious? Absolutely.
It's the only way we can establish a clean slate.
No guilt, no remorse, no regrets.
So dive into that little black book of yours and enjoy.
Oh, you know, I threw that dumb thing away when we got engaged.
I'm sure you have one or two numbers etched in your memory.
You listen to me.
I'm only going to agree to do this because I love you, Diane.
Well, don't do it for me, Sam.
Do it for the health of our future marriage.
Right, right, right.
Uh, excuse me, uh when do my, uh, 24 hours begin? Right now.
All right.
The same as mine.
Okay.
Wait, wait, whoa, whoa, whoa! Yours? Of course, Sam.
This is the only way we can be sure that I have all other men out of my system.
No no Sammy back yet? Uh, well, uh, "T" minus 30 minutes and counting.
I figure right about now, Sammy's probably leaning back in bed and smoking.
Oh, wait, I don't, uh, remember ever seeing Sammy smoke a cigarette.
Who said anything about cigarettes? Ho, the man! All right! Hey, what's the score, Sammy? Oh, Norm, you know he's not the kind of guy to kiss and tell not that he wastes much time kissing, anyway, eh, compadre? Yeah, you guys know me, all right.
So, has anyone, uh anyone heard from Diane? No, not a word.
It's been heaven.
Ah.
Why? You worried about her? No, I'm not worried.
Wha-What makes you think I'm worried? Uh, what time is it, anyway? It's time for you to stop worrying.
I mean, for God's sakes, Sammy, who'd be stupid enough to touch Diane? Besides you.
Good point.
You know, uh, yeah, what am I worried about here? Oh, Rick, you really came through.
Sam, Sam, Sam, Sam! Rick was kind enough to drive me to work when my car broke down.
I knew that.
I, uh I just wanted to give him a thank-you shake.
Thank you, thank you.
Uh, maybe I'll, uh, take a rain check on that drink.
Uh, good luck with your marriage.
Yes.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, Rick.
Well I guess I'll just, uh begin my shift.
Uh, yeah, like hell you will! Sam? Now, Sam! Sam! All right.
Where were you last night, hmm? I was taking full advantage of my 24 hours.
I looked into the recesses of my heart, and I realized that I still had one oat that needed to be sown.
One fantastic oat.
Is that all you think about-- sex? You know, it's disgusting! Wh-Wh-Whatever happened to romance, to commitment? I mean, look at you! Look at you-- you haven't even changed your dress! I am wearing this dress again because I like it.
It sets off my eyes.
Yeah, I'll set off your eyes.
You know You want know something? I had the exact same 24 hours you did, and I didn't do anything.
You know why? Because I happen to be a one-woman guy.
I mean, I mean, I think we got something special going here, and I didn't want to cheapen it, like somebody else I could mention.
You-you know, people could refer to you as a tart.
How can you say that? Easy.
Tart! Tart, tart, tart, tart! I mean, what-what else do you call somebody who didn't go home? How do you know that? Because I was idiot enough to spend the entire night watching your apartment from my car, and you did not go home.
Well, you must be exhausted.
Yeah, yeah, that's right! I'm exhausted.
You're damned right, I'm exhausted.
Oh, come on, Sam.
Now, you had a little catnap around 6:00 a.
m.
Did not.
How'd you know that? Because I was down the street in my car watching you watch me.
Oh, my God, you spied on me! I mean, that stinks! What what hap what happened to faith? What-what-what happened what happened to trust? My God! Sam! I took a lover's leap of faith in granting you sexual carte blanche for the past 24 hours! And just as my heart suspected, instead of gallivanting about, you spent the whole time spying on me.
(wry chuckle) I had one last night to go out and have a great time, and I blow it.
God, I'm a poor excuse for a stud.
I don't know about that.
We still have five minutes left in our deal.
Five minutes? Mm-hmm.
Well, hell, somebody should've told me that.
Damn it! How long did you say we have here? Five minutes.
Not enough time.
Now, come on, Sam.
We'd better skip to the good part.
No come on.
We have to go to work! Sam! Whoo!