Cheers Episode Scripts

N/A - Cheers Fouls Out

Cheers is filmed before a live studio audience.
Oh, Robin, I just get so lonely and confused when I'm not with you.
Well, now, I've missed you, too, sweetheart.
Did you like the little surprise I sent? Surprise? The Polaroids.
What? I-I don't remember.
The pictures of me wearing that teddy you like.
The picture of me holding that teddy you like.
Now, Rebecca, don't tease.
Not so early in my sentence.
Oh, Robin, you really mean you didn't get the pictures? I think I would remember.
Well, I know I mailed them.
I went to pick up my final paycheck at Cheers and then I mailed them.
Oh, well, they'll get here.
Yeah.
Okay, for this one without the teddy, we will start the bidding start the bidding at ten bucks.
Don't crowd.
$100.
(theme song begins) Making your way in the world today Takes everything you've got Takin' a break from all your worries Sure would help a lot Wouldn't you like to get away? Sometimes you want to go Where everybody knows your name And they're always glad you came You wanna be where you can see The troubles are all the same You wanna be where everybody knows your name You wanna go where people know People are all the same You wanna go where everybody knows your name.
I guess I don't have to show you where anything is behind the bar, right, Mr.
Peterson.
No, no, no, we got the, uh, beer taps, you got your uh, cherries, olives, pretzel bag Hey! You guys got a cash register back here.
Oh, my God! I'm in one of Norm's dreams.
No, no, no.
I'm just doing my hour behind the bar to qualify for the employees' basketball game.
Although my dreams are very similar to this.
Except for, uh, in my dreams the, uh, kegs are a lot taller and, uh well, I can fly.
Oh.
I've got a good feeling this year, guys.
I think we're gonna beat those guys from Gary's Old Towne Tavern.
Yeah! Al right! Oh, this again.
I mean, every year they beat you, humiliate you, outsmart you and take your money.
I mean, where's the virtue in that? Tradition.
Well, forgive me if I don't share your enthusiasm.
I've just been feeling a bit edgy these days.
Why's that, Dr.
Crane? Well, Lilith, in her own dear, compulsive, little way made the mistake of asking me if I thought she looked fat.
And what did you say? Well, I told her she looked just fine.
Ooh, rookie mistake.
Yeah.
So, uh, what kind of punishment are you getting? Oh, I'm not getting any.
Oh, you got off easy.
No.
I'm not getting any.
No, you're getting off easy.
Ho, Woody, think fast! (laughs) (patrons cheering) Way to pass her off there, Sam.
Wait till you guys hear what I did this weekend.
You know, ever since I bought this bar, I've been trying to remind people it's still a sports bar, so I've been going around renewing some of my old sports contacts.
And for those of you who've never seen Sam renewing his old sports contacts, it goes something like this.
"Oh, come on! "You've got to remember me! You've got to!" This shows what you know.
I happened to spend the weekend going head-to-head with Kevin McHale.
Whoo.
Whoa.
Hey.
That's my favorite Celtic.
Yeah? You know, uh, basketball was invented by the ancient Celtics.
You know, interestingly enough, so was the parquet floor.
You've been working without your hat, haven't you, Cliff? So, Sammy shot hoops with Kevin McHale, huh? Actually, no, I, uh, I played golf with him.
Beat him, too, you know.
Hurt him bad.
All right! WOODY: All right! Yeah, you know, big a star as he is, you, uh, shank a tee shot into his shin, and he'll cry just like anybody else.
Hey, Sammy, I've got a great idea.
Yeah, what? Ask Kevin to play on our team.
No.
Then we'll really cream Gary's.
Yeah! No, no, that'd be cheating.
But that'd be good cheating.
You know, at what point does cheating become a moral dilemma? I mean, can the severity of snitching that last piece of cake be compared to, oh, cheating on one's wife with the beautiful, young woman that works in the office next to yours? I should footnote this by adding that I'm not getting any.
Hello, sports fans! (patrons booing) What are you doing here, Gary? I just came by to introduce you to some of my new employees.
Come on down, boys.
FRAISER: Oh, hey, hey CARLA: Oh, hey! Come on.
Yeah, what? Those guys are ringers.
They're just a couple of kids working their way through college.
GARY: Oh, by the way, I just wanted to let you know that we're open to any wagers.
Oh, oh, that's right.
You guys are too chicken to bet.
Hey, we're not chicken to bet.
We bet you stomp all over us.
If I were you Sam, I'd get a piece of this action.
He means do we want to bet on ourselves here, Woody.
(laughs): Are you kidding? With those two skyscrapers? Man, I thought I was the bumpkin here.
Have it your way.
Oh, oh, Sam, give me the ball for a second.
Watch this.
(laughs) See you at the gym.
Boy, that Gary's a rat.
Yeah, can you believe that? Bringing in a couple of professional ringers like that? No, I meant stealing our ball.
Oh, man, that's my favorite ball! I hate that! Give me the phone.
I'm calling, I'm calling Kevin right now.
All right! Yeah! He'll be able to get that ball back for us.
He's way big.
Yeah, all right.
If he wants to play that way, I'm just gonna get Kevin McHale to come down and play with us.
There you go! Yeah.
If he doesn't want to do it, then I'll get Larry Bird.
No, no, no, no, not Bird.
If he's in, I'm out.
CLIFF: Woody.
Woody, Woody, you telling me you know Larry Bird? I don't have to know him.
He's from French Lick, Indiana.
He's a doofus.
So what? You're from Indiana and you're a doofus.
Yeah, but I would rather be a doofus from Hanover than a doofus from French Lick, 'cause everyone from Hanover knows that French Lick is the doofus capitol of Indiana.
Of course everyone from French Lick thinks it's Hanover.
It's a fuel of a raging controversy.
Yo, Kevin.
Hi.
Sam Malone here.
Hey, listen, you remember how I told you about that game my bar is playing against, uh, Gary's Old Towne Tavern? Yeah, how'd you like to get in on that? No, I I know, I know you've got a busy schedule and all Sammy tell him it's for charity.
No, no listen, I understand, I understand.
I'm not gonna bust your chops here.
You know these needy orphans have been through it all.
They're used to people letting them down.
Oh, I'm sorry, didn't I tell you it was for charity? Oh, I'm sorry man.
Yeah, charity.
Well, no, don't worry about it.
I can get one of the Lakers to do it.
I mean, they're good guys.
I mean, they'll give up an hour of their time to change some poor kids' lives.
Sam, leave the man alone.
You know, if somebody doesn't want to do something, no amount of manipulation, cajoling, pleading or lying can get them to change their mind.
That's fantastic, man! All right.
I'll see you down here.
Could you call Lilith for me? I'll Boy, look at the curves on that glass.
Oh, feel that.
Boy, he's really not getting any, is he? Pathetic.
Woody, uh, pour me another beer, will you? Put it in one of those girlie glasses.
Hey, everybody! I want you to meet, uh, your bartender, here, Mr.
Kevin McHale! (cheers, whistles and applause) Kevin watch your head, watch your head.
Low bridge.
Low bridge.
Welcome aboard, Kevin.
I hope your years at Cheers are as happy as mine were.
Sam, I'll get my stuff together and get out of your way.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Come back here, man.
He's not replacing you.
He just filling in here for a little while so he can qualify to play the game against Gary's.
Oh! Oh, in that case, here's an apron.
All right.
Well, so what's it like working with Larry Bird? Hey, Larry's great.
Larry's funny as can be.
Boy, he's got some great jokes.
And most of his jokes are about these doofuses from Hanover, Indiana.
Did you ever hear this one? How many guys from Hanover does it take to change a lightbulb? It doesn't even matter 'cause they gotta drive all the way over to French Lick just to get the lightbulb.
I heard it a little different.
NORM: Hey, Kevin! Want to slam-dunk me a beer over here, buddy? Nah, I can't do that.
That's against NBA policy.
Oh, right, yeah, yeah, they don't, uh, like their athletes promoting drugs or alcohol, so tonight, uh, Kevin's just going to be serving water.
To whom? Do you believe this, huh? I'm about to play ball with Kevin McHale tonight? You know, I didn't realize we were playing at night.
Are you sure the orphans can stay up that late? The orphans? Yeah, the orphans.
The orphans, yeah, you know, well Oh, oh, right, right.
See, uh, one of the, uh, one of the great things about orphans is, they have no parents to tell them when to go to bed.
Listen, Kevin, about the, uh, these orphans, uh well, they're not coming.
Uh, seems there was some kind of mix-up.
You know, they had tickets to the, uh, circus or something like that.
You know these orphans, they're always getting freebies.
Oh.
I don't know, Sam, there's no circus in town.
Well, uh, may-- oh, right.
It was the, uh, monster truck rally.
That was it.
No, no, no-no, not tonight.
All right, guys, where do you think the orphans are? Come on, Sam.
There are no orphans, are there? W.
.
in the world? God, Kevin, I wish that were true, man! Oh, Sam, this is all a big scam.
There are no orphans.
I'm out of here.
Aww, Kevin, Kevin, wait a minute.
Let me talk to you here for a second.
Listen, man, wait, wait, wait.
We've got a $5,000 bet with Gary.
$5,000, huh? Yeah.
I-I can't afford to lose that kind of money.
Well, I do have a friend of mine who's on the board of directors at the Sunny Grove Orphanage.
I'll bet he knows where the orphans are tonight.
Anyway, I-I know that they're desperate for money.
And let's say the winnings for our game were to go to the kids Oh, hell, yes! We don't mind if those tykes get their cut.
No, no, Sam, not their cut.
They get every penny.
Every Uh, guys, what do you say here? I mean, we're in it to beat Gary, right? I mean, that's what it's all about, isn't it? I want my money back.
SAM: Listen, listen.
If Kevin plays, then we're definitely gonna win, so it'll be Gary's $5,000 that we give to the orphans.
But if he if he doesn't play, then we're definitely gonna lose, and it'll be our five grand that we're giving to Gary.
All right, I'm behind you.
I agree.
I want my money back.
Okay, then, we're all agreed.
Here they are, God bless them.
They're at the boat show.
MEN (chanting): Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Gary! Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.
Gary's not here.
Find Gary! Find Gary! Find Gary! Wait, wait, wait, wait, man.
We're just early, that's all.
We'll have to wait.
Wait for Gary! Wait for Gary! Wait What, am I the only one here? Okay, guys, let's huddle up here.
All right, all right.
Have a seat.
Have a seat, fellows.
All right.
Settle down.
Settle down.
Come on.
Okay, now, the way I see it, anyone gets within ten feet of the ball, they pass it to Kevin.
Yeah.
Sounds good to me.
What if he's not open? (laughs) Yeah, yeah.
MEN: Old Towne Tavern! Old Towne Tavern! Old Towne Tavern! Well, the cheerleaders are here.
Well, Sam, you really want to go through with this formality, or you just want to call the whole thing off? Oh, let's go through the formalities, Gar.
Say, have you met our, uh, new bartender? Right over here.
This is our ringer, Gar.
You're getting a little bald on top, fellow.
Let's go.
(shouts) Wait-wait-wait SAM: All right! All right, way to go, way to go! Kevin.
Kevin.
SAM: Good stuff, man.
Good stuff.
SAM: Keep going.
Get it! Nice one, Kevin! Go, Kevin.
NORM: Yes, Kevin! Go! Go! Yes! Hey, hey! Yeah, right, yeah! Take that.
In your face! In your face! Come on, Woody! Come on, Woody! Come on! Woody! Kevin can't do everything here.
How's it going? Kevin's doing everything here.
Yeah? Well, say, what's the score? Uh, 70 two.
To what? We have 70, they have two.
All right.
Sammy, I need a break.
I cannot move.
Oh, yeah, take a break.
Why don't you get yourself a beer? Okay, fellows, I'm playing for Norm now.
Go! Sammy! Oh, there you go.
Fast break, Kevin.
Whoo! Yeah.
Don't you love teamwork? (laughing): Well, say, don't you think maybe somebody ought to go in for McHale? I mean, he's the only one been playing the whole game.
What, are you nuts? What, we're ahead by, what, 70 points? I don't want to just beat this guy.
I want to humiliate him.
I want to hear that clown, Gary, scream for mercy.
(screaming) That wasn't Gary, was it? Sorry, Mr.
McHale.
You know, sometimes you can just pop these babies right back into place.
(screaming) Maybe not.
Gary, it's Carla.
Yeah, the guys just wanted me to give you a call, tell you that you left something at the gym.
Your money! Your pride! Did you lose a blue gym bag? Cheers rules! (cheering and whooping) Oh, man, victory is so sweet.
This is even better than the time we didn't lose so badly.
You remember that? Yeah, but the best part was Kevin getting up and walking off the court, knowing his foot was okay.
No, no, The best part was Gary's total defeat and humiliation.
Yeah Yeah, that was the best part.
Yeah, did you see his face when we told him we were going to give his money to charity? Yeah, you know, uh, those moppets will be glad to get the money.
Yeah, a lot they did for it.
Yeah.
SAM: Anyway, uh that orphanage guy is coming over here in a little while to take the money back.
You know, Sam, I, uh, don't know if I've told you, but tragically I lost both my parents when I was oh, in my early 30s.
I could sure use that money.
Say, Lilith, how about that? Would $5,000 buy anything? What? Nothing, dear.
I'm getting nothing here.
Mr.
Malone? Yeah, over here.
I'm Dr, Walter Froenmeyer with the Celtics' medical staff.
Uh, yeah? I wanted to get your version of Mr.
McHale's accident last night.
Oh, well, uh no big deal.
He fell down, we put him back up.
Nothing serious.
Does this look like nothing serious to you? God! The skin's all gone.
This hairline fracture runs the entire length of the metatarsal, which would indicate there was some sort of a jarring after the initial impact.
It was me! I fell on him and then I tried to pop it back into place.
I'm sorry! Woody, Woody Excuse me just for a second.
Woody, Woody, no, now come on.
Don't blame yourself.
You were just at the wrong place at the wrong time, that's all.
If anything led to this, it was Sam's pigheaded refusal to take McHale out of the game earlier.
What are you talking about? Woody's the clod who broke his foot.
Oh, God! FROENMEYER: If you'll excuse me, I've got a whole gang of reporters back at the Garden waiting to find out why McHale's out for the season.
Wait a minute-- out for the season? Oh, my God.
People are gonna hate us.
Hate us? Man they'll kill us first, then they'll hate us.
SAM: Excuse me, Doctor, listen, there's no need for you to mention the bar's name, now, is there? Why shouldn't I? Professional courtesy.
I'm a doctor.
You're a bartender.
We're both professionals.
Sam, wait a minute, let me do this.
all right? Doc, how much would it take to put a hook in your mouth? $10,000.
Five.
Deal.
Now, she's a professional.
Hey, great work there, Carla.
Right.
Dodged that bullet.
Way to go, Carla.
I want my money back.
Oh, for goodness sakes, Frasier, we've been intimate several times this last month.
Look at my day planner.
We were together every night this weekend.
Oh, good heavens! That wasn't you.
What do you mean it wasn't me? I'm kidding.
See? Look how tense you are.
You wouldn't enjoy it anyway.
Well, fine.
I don't want it anyway.
You do, too.
I do not.
You do so.
All right, I do.
Well, you're not getting any.
Oh, Frasier, isn't it enough that I'm doing it to your mind? Hey, Sammy.
You're walking! Kevin, when did you get out of the hospital? What are you talking about? Talking about your foot.
Aw, it's fine.
I iced it down for about a half hour after the game.
Feels great.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait a second.
Who-Whose X-ray is this, then, huh? Is that not yours? I don't know.
Let me take a look at it.
It says "adult male gorilla.
" That's not me.
Could be Laimbeer, huh? Oh man, I can't believe this.
Gary sends in a fake doctor to steal our money.
Do you believe that? SAM: God! Even when we beat him, he wins.
Hey, Sam, I'd like you to meet Father Conrad here, from the Sunny Grove Orphanage.
Yeah, hi.
I hope you don't mind that we brought a photographer along.
Listen, Sam, why don't you come on around there and get a picture with Father and I and the $5,000 you're giving us.
Come on.
You want to do this, uh right now? Yeah.
Come on over.
Let's go.
Okay.
I'll be right there.
What are we gonna do? All right, short people in front.
Look what you did! You made me smack you in front of a priest! Boys, boys, we can work this out.
Yeah, how? We don't have any money.
No, no, no, but we've got a lot of people in here, right? How about we collect as much money as we can, That's good.
we give it to him, and then we make sure everybody knows that Gary's the one that stole the 5,000 bucks from those kids.
NORM: There you go.
Uh, give me some money.
It's for a good cause.
What cause? 'Cause I said.
Hey, Sammy, Father and I were just talking about it.
Those kids are really going to enjoy that money.
Gonna get some shoes, some eyeglasses You know, Kevin, we don't quite have $5,000, but we're pretty darned close here.
Sammy, Sammy, where is the orphans' money? He has it.
(booing) Thank you, Sam.
Thank you all for coming.
Father, on behalf of Gary's Old Towne Tavern, I'd like to present you with a souvenir jacket, and we have one for you, too, Kevin, with extra-long sleeves.
Oh, nice! Uh-huh.
Here's a little check for those wonderful kids.
$5,000, Kevin.
$5,000! That's great.
Hey Gar, let's get a picture with it.
That's a great idea.
Sam, would you get out of the way here.
You're blocking the check.
We've got a donation, too.
Hold on a second.
How much have you got? $11 and, uh, 75 cents.
That's so cute.
Uh, gentlemen, I have a bus outside.
We can swing by, pick up the orphans, and we can drive them over to Gary's for some milk and cookies.
What do you think, Father? I think that's fine.
It's a great idea.
Come on! You don't understand, man.
That $5,000, that's our money.
Shame on you, Sam.
You know it's the orphans' money.
Hey, Gar, thanks a lot for the five grand.
Get out of here.
I don't want to see you again.
You're a bum.
Go on.
Get out of my place.
Go on, scoot.
Fine.
Fine.
Eight years of humiliating you weenies is enough.
I'm gonna find a tougher gang to humiliate.
Hey, you can look all over Boston.
You won't find any weenies tougher than us! Yeah, that's telling him, Woody.
Huh? Sam, we've got to get back at Gary.
Worse than we ever got them before.
Come on, let's get Gary.
Let's get Gary! Let's get Gary! Let's get Gary! SAM: Come on Let's get Gary! Let's get Gary! Aw, don't worry about it.
Let's get Gary! Let's get Gary! Come on.
What are we doing? Man, we're pathetic! We've been trying to get Gary for eight years! We never win! We're pathetic.
There's nobody more pathetic than us in the whole world.
Oh, please, Lilith.
Anything.
A back rub.
A handshake.
Blow me a kiss.
We're not Frasier.
We're not Frasier.
(chanting): We're not Frasier! We're not Frasier! We're not Frasier!