CSI: Crime Scene Investigation Episode Scripts

N/A - Leapin' Lizards

Hank Connors, Las Vegas police.
Come out with your hands above your head.
Come out slowly.
Officer down ! Go back where you came from ! You're not taking me ! Mres, automatic weapons, ammo, water This guy Connors was ready for the end of days.
Which, in his case, was today.
Bomb squad find any booby traps ? No, he liked it mano a mano.
Any sign of Chyna de Vere ? Not yet.
You know, there's some food.
You just shouldn't see where it comes from.
Did you know that pigs are very intelligent animals ? Right behind chimps, dolphins and elephants ? - Ahead of dogs ? - And certain politicians.
I don't see Connors' truck anywhere.
Let's look in the barn.
There's the truck.
If this is Chyna de Vere's blood, we're getting warmer.
Looks like he had a hobby stuffed animals.
- Hey, Warrick.
- Yeah ? I feel like Marco Polo.
Why's that ? I just discoVered Chyna.
CSI Season07 Episode22 Leapin' Lizards This is a career first.
A little tip for you: The new Mrs.
Phillips doesn't need to hear about this.
Are you kidding me ? She'll want to hear every detail.
Why do you think I married her ? Come on, pretty girl, getta outta there, come on, girl ! - Hi.
- Hey.
What are you doing ? Well, I read about this farmer in Canada who killed a bunch of women and fed them to his pigs.
Yeah, their health department had to put out a bulletin that said, warning, Your pork may be contaminated with human.
I'm so glad I'm a vegetarian.
Get through there ! Well, no one has seen or heard from the victim's husband, so I kind of figured he may have been dessert.
Come on, sweetie.
I think the fat one likes you.
They always do.
We went to Connors' ranch because a week ago, Chyna de Vere went missing.
She just separated from her husband, got her own place.
This is a large section of her living room carpet.
Wet to the touch, pheno confirmed a blood pool.
Well, it's certainly enough blood to suggest foul play.
There were also traces of perchloroethylene, phosphates, alcohol, ethers and sodium hypochlorite.
Used a steam cleaner.
Would've denatured any DNA.
Yeah, we checked all the local places that rent them.
Connors' name didn't come up.
- How about the husband's ? - Nope.
- And he's still missing.
- So what's this ? That is a single, distinct blood drop, not from the victim, not from the husband.
They didn't clean the whole carpet.
Unknown female.
We also found soil trace, identified as scheelite, a tungsten ore.
Apparently, Connors' ranch is near old tungsten mines by McCade.
How is Connors, this pig farmer, connected to the victim ? Oh, he's in kind of a club with the victim's husband.
Kind of a club ? Want me to take the living room ? Looks like armageddon came on a thursday.
Do you believe that intelligent life exists on other planets ? I'm not sure there's intelligent life on this planet.
I was just in the barn.
I'll get started.
Ms.
Turner.
Hi I already went through this a week ago.
You know, you're right.
But let's go through it again.
Chyna de Vere is dead.
And her remains were found on your boyfriend's ranch.
Yeah, not my boyfriend, my friend.
And furthermore, I never knew Chyna de Vere.
- She wasn't a member of your club ? - No.
If she was, I would have known her, and I didn't.
Her husband was.
And he's M.
I.
A.
(Missing In Action) You know, the club's getting smaller and smaller by the minute.
This morning, Hank Connors died.
When we went up there to arrest your friend, he shot himself.
And I'm getting the feeling that you're going to be missing a meeting, too.
Look, Shannon, you alibied a killer.
You're already an accessory to one murder.
If Hank Connors killed Chyna's husband, too.
Oh, is that what you think happened ? Tell me where he is ? You know, this can work in your favor with the D.
A.
Oh, you know what ? I'm not really worried about that.
Adam and Eve were not only the first humans on the earth, they were bait For intelligent life forms elsewhere in the cosmos.
Refugees from planets that could no longer sustain them.
But why Earth ? Deoxyribonucleic acid.
DNA.
The blueprint of human life is the key to their survival.
Without it, they will perish.
Hi, Ms.
Turner.
My name's Greg Sanders.
I'm with the crime lab.
I have a warrant to take a sample of your DNA.
You're not touching me.
Well, ma'am, this is standard procedure.
I know who you are.
I'm just going to swab the inside of Hey ! Not ! - Calm down.
- Get off of me ! - Calm down,ma'am.
- All of you, Get away from me ! - Get him away from - Calm down.
- Calm down.
- No ! - Let's try this again.
- No ! Let go of his hand, ma'am.
That bitch bit me.
I got my sample.
The first encounters between humans and extraterrestrials took place over a hundred thousand years ago in Atlantis and in its sister civilization in the pacific, Lemuria.
Ancient civilizations on every continent have recorded evidence of these encounters.
These visitors were highly advanced and did not appear in human form.
Now, the Mayans called them chanes people of the serpents And in hebrew legend, the snake represented knowledge.
Of course it did.
It was not human.
Not of this earth.
Shannon sure has a lot of books.
UFO's, alien abduction Chyna was a dealer at the Palermo.
Looks like Shannon was a player.
Gold level.
Yeah, tell me they never met.
We'll check the Palermo security.
ReptilesUFOs Xena, warrior princess.
History is replete with stories of the heroic destruction of serpents.
Perseus and Medusa, St.
George and the dragon, St.
Patrick and the snakes of Ireland.
- But these are not merely legends - What is this ? I think their UFO club is based on the teachings of this guy.
And the natural form of these invaders is not human.
They are described in ancient accounts as serpents and dragons.
And man's weapon against them is the sword.
Cut off the tail, the serpent lives.
Cut off its head, and it dies.
So Connors cut off her head because he thought she was a serpent from outer space ? Catherine check this out.
Chyna de Vere's husband, Preston.
What's Shannon doing with him ? Chillin' in Cabo.
Well, while mommy's in custody, I guess the kitty's hungry.
I'll call animal control.
Oh, Jim Well, hello, Xena.
Oh, boy.
Look what he used on the incision.
Duct tape ? Yeah, he used it to close up the laceration from a sharp force perimortem wound.
Corresponds to the indentation in the skull.
Could that be the fatal wound ? Give me the rest of the body and I can tell you.
Nick's working on it.
Almost three inches, smooth-edge blade - You know, Catherine found - Yeah, I heard.
A sword-- everyone's talking about this one.
Why would anybody want to taxidermy a human head ? I'm still working on the how.
That, I can tell you.
Mounted one myself.
A deer-- dad was a hunter.
First, our guy had to separate the head from the body.
For that, he used a serrated-edge knife.
Dad used a carving knife, same one we used at Thanksgiving.
When mom found out, she almost killed him with it.
- Heartwarming.
- Yeah, so then he had to flesh the skin away from the underlying muscle.
Next, he would've stretched the skin out on a board Rubbed it with rock salt Then waited two days.
Then he tanned the skin to preserve it.
Hydrated it with a borax and water solution to keep the bugs off.
Next, he cleaned the skull, filled the imperfections with clay, sawdust, anything at hand.
Popped in two glass eyes, and then and he's got the best-looking wall mount in the neighborhood.
We're gonna need to process that toolmark.
Yeah, I'll get it over to CSI.
Oh nice sword.
I dated a guy on the fencing team.
His thighs were incredible.
Did you want to show me something ? Yes, the, uh, tip has been wiped clean.
Negative for blood.
But I did find a couple of partials on the blade just above the hilt.
And a couple of full prints on the handle.
The femur measures 461 millimeters.
Gives us a height for a white female of 5'6.
Exactly Chyna's height.
- How about for a male ? - 5'7.
Preston de Vere is too tall.
Did you measure the head of the femur ? No, sir, I was just about to.
point five millimeters.
- It's a female.
- You want my theory ? This little piggy went to market.
This little piggy stayed home.
This little piggy had Chyna.
Yeah.
Human teeth aren't strong enough to leave these marks.
And it is consistent with Connors chopping off her head and tossing his girls a bone.
Okay go back to the ranch.
See if you can find the rest of her.
Hey, Greg.
You up for a bite ? No.
I am on antibiotics, I had a tetanus shot I'm having a pretty bad year.
Oh, it's only a bad year if you do a bad job, Greg.
You're having a great year.
I got that gel ready for you.
VoilĂ  ! We have our weapon ? Yeah, and a mounted human head, a suicidal pig farmer, a missing husband, and a bunch of UFO believers.
What could be next ? Wendy got results back on the blood from Connors' workbench in the pickup truck.
- It's Chyna de Vere.
- Good.
Come here, take a look at this.
- Hey, isn't that, uh - Yeah.
You can see Dick Cheney, Al Gore, all nine supreme court justices shape-shift into reptilians.
Did you know that, for thousands of years, creatures from the constellation draco have been mating with humans to form a super-race that Includes 43 U.
S.
presidents, most members of Congress And the entire British Royal family ? - Hey, did Shannon Turner have a cat ? - Yeah.
So did Hank Connors.
See, it figures.
Cats are a natural enemy of reptiles.
I'll keep that in mind.
The sword I found at Shannon Turner's made the tool marks on the skull.
Shannon's prints were all over the handle.
And the partials on the blade, above the hilt Chyna de Vere's.
She tried to defend herself.
Did Wendy find anything on that drop of blood on the carpet ? Came back to Shannon.
Yeah, but brass interviewed her last week.
She didn't have any visible cuts.
Warrick ? Come at me with a sword.
All right, so I push back hard enough bang you on the nose.
Brass wouldn't have seen that.
But what I don't understand is if Shannon Turner and Hank Connors really believed in a reptilian conspiracy and they felt threatened by the political establishment, why kill a blackjack dealer ? Hey, Nick ! Yeah ? I got something over here.
Looks like a vertebra.
Man, that looks human.
Yeah.
to Chyna, love, Preston.
To Preston, love, Chyna.
Till death do us part.
According to the Palermo, Shannon Turner joined the player's club last month.
Whenever a player uses a club card at a table game, the floor man writes down what game you played, where you sat, what time you started, time you quit.
Then they estimate your average bet, win-loss ratios No wonder she believed in conspiracies.
this is the first time Shannon used her card.
And the dealer is Chyna.
A week later.
By now, she's a regular.
Looks like they're best friends.
Two weeks ago.
Table's full.
She's waiting for a seat.
Shannon only gambled at Chyna's table.
Maybe Chyna was her lucky charm.
That depends on how you define luck.
She never walked away a winner.
Maybe she blamed Chyna for her losses.
She's too friendly.
I think she was gaining her trust.
Stalking her.
Well, it's las vegas.
It's not a crime to play blackjack.
You're right, it's las vegas.
But it is a crime to lie to the police.
We found your blood in Chyna's apartment.
Then it was planted.
By whom ? How should I know ? Maybe you planted it.
Look you killed Chyna, and you got Connors to help you move the body.
And Connors killed Preston, because he was obsessed with you and wanted to eliminate the competition.
You lied about knowing Chyna, you going to lie about this, too ? Preston can't be killed.
His cells don't die.
He's over 4,000 years old.
Oh, 4,000.
The new 50.
You just don't know the truth when you hear it.
Preston is a great man.
He has the wisdom of the ages.
Beyond your capacity to understand.
Ms.
Turner was Chyna a reptilian ? Who is this ? The reptilian Athena.
Is that Chyna de Vere ? tell me about this one.
That's the protector of mankind.
Is that you ? Did you slay the reptilian Athena ? I did what I had to do.
What's this all about ? I have to kill you.
What ? it's not like there's nothing at stake here.
Just the survival of the human race.
Yeah, I'm just a phone booth away from changing into my tights and saving the world.
Hey, Warrick, I got something.
I was scanning the casino footage from the day Chyna disappeared.
And she had a visitor.
Her husband.
She doesn't look so happy to see him.
Well, we don't need words to get that.
Give me your ring.
I really, really hate you.
Our marriage is over.
That means she was killed before she had a chance to change her clothes.
That would explain why we found both rings in the ashes.
But it doesn't explain what happened to him.
I found it embedded in this.
T-9 vertebra.
But that means the bullet had to pass through at least one vital organ.
Yeah, heart, lung, and then the dome of the liver.
That's your C.
O.
D.
And you're sure these are Chyna de Vere's bones.
Yeah, pelvis is female.
No duplicate bones.
The femur's the same length as the one the pigs were chomping on.
It's her.
Okay.
Well, we'll run this against Connors' guns.
I always feel sorry for the monster.
Then you better turn it off before they use the oxygen destroyer on him.
Sara Sidle 1623 West I don't know why I find it so difficult to express my feelings to you.
Even though we're far apart, I can see you as vividly as if you were here with me.
I said I'll miss you, and I do.
As Shakespeare more ably wrote my sentiment in sonnet 47, thyself away art present still with me; for thou not farther than my thoughts canst move, and I am still with them, and they with thee.
Or, if they sleep, thy picture in my sight awakes my heart to heart's and eye's delight.
Fire in the hole ! you're supposed to let me get these things on.
you were supposed to be ready.
I don't know, man.
Maybe it would have worked out better if Tina was someone who did what we did.
At least she'd understand the hours.
I don't know.
I don't think it's a good idea to date somebody you work with.
You never really get away from work or them the way you need to, you know ? You mean, like me and you, baby ? Yeah, exactly, honey.
Yeah, it looks like the bullet that killed her came from Connors' Walther PPK.
Captain brass ? Jim.
Joe Vasquez.
How you doing, Joe ? I got a call from a passing motorist.
Naked guy running around in the desert.
That may not be so strange where you work, but out here, it gets our attention.
I recognized him from the news.
Thanks a lot, Joe.
Preston de Vere ? Very glad to be back home.
What are you doing out here, Preston ? I was a captive, held against my will.
From what the sheriff tells me, I've been gone over a week.
Feels like just seconds.
Can you describe these people to me ? Well, yes, but you won't believe me.
Try me.
They were very tall with reptilian features, large, almond-shaped, red eyes.
What's happening, lizard king ? I appreciate your skepticism.
I anticipated it.
Insight begins with asking the right questions.
Okay, then, when exactly were you abducted ? Nine days ago.
Oh, so you were abducted before your wife was missing.
What do you mean Chyna is missing ? What happened to her ? What are you trying to tell me ? You don't know your wife is dead ? That was callous of you.
Unnecessarily cruel.
I had no idea.
that sweet girl stop the crocodile tears.
Come on.
Preston.
If she was so sweet, what were you doing chillin' in Cabo with Shannon Turner ? Are you suggesting that was romantic ? Well, you got your pictures on the coffee mug.
That's romantic to me.
You better come up with an alibi on planet earth of where you were the night your wife was killed.
That's easy.
There's a woman, and it is romantic, very romantic.
I was with her when they took me.
Her name is Clarissa Niles.
We are victims and no one is listening to us.
We're powerless against what's going on.
We're not crazy.
If you look at who has had contact, we're airline pilots, professionals, teachers, scientists.
I don't know how to get the truth out, but we have to.
Has anyone talked to Shannon in the last couple of days ? They've got her.
It's like we're witnessing some form of mass hallucination.
You know, they think the cops are part of this reptilian conspiracy as well.
That's why Shannon attacked Greg.
Let's try this again.
And why Hank Connors shot himself.
Sorry to interrupt.
Don't make eye contact with them.
Please, we come in peace.
Which one of you is Clarissa Niles ? Don't.
It's all right.
I'm not afraid.
Got a warrant to tow in clarissa niles' car.
Blue fluorescence is one of the properties of scheelite.
Which was found in the soil at Hank Connors' ranch.
And Preston beamed down in the same area.
Have you looked inside yet ? I was just about to.
Preston was found naked, right ? Yeah, it's a recurrent theme in tales of alien abduction.
I practically grew up on the x-files.
Preston's wallet.
Somehow I doubt aliens would have folded his clothes when they abducted him.
So Clarissa drove him out there and he left his stuff in her car.
That's not all he left : steam cleaner.
Just what every estranged husband needs to clean up his dead wife's blood.
This case just came down to earth.
Yes, Preston was at my home in Summerlin.
We were asleep and suddenly the room turned very cold.
Freezing.
I woke up and looked over and Preston was gone.
I I searched the house, outside it was as if he evaporated.
Come on, Clarissa, you're a smart woman, I mean, really.
I mean, you have a beautiful home, you're a good citizen, you pay your taxes, you vote, you even play a little golf.
You got way too much on the ball to fall for this con man.
Con man ? you think I'm gullible ? He's a brilliant man.
He saved my life.
When we first met, I was very ill.
It was cancer and he cured it.
Really ? How'd he do that ? He knows how to prevent human cells from dying.
He has injections.
They're, they're radioactive.
Hospitals won't do it because it would make everyone well.
It would put them out of business.
Do you really think he's 4,000 years old ? Here.
Let me show you something.
Look at this.
He's 42.
He claims he's a nutritionist.
He's not.
And look.
Look at all these schools and labs he said he went to.
They never heard of him.
He has no place of business, no job.
He just preys on vulnerable women.
He got Shannon Turner to kill his wife for him.
Got you to give him money.
He never asked for it.
I wanted to give it to him.
You would have done anything for him, whether he asked for it or not.
Do you have any idea how beautiful you are ? I mean really, really, really beautiful.
More so every day.
That's because you cured me.
I-I-I've never felt better or happier.
You know, I didn't want to alarm you, but they put an implant in you.
They do it while you're sleeping so they can manipulate your thoughts.
My injections disabled it.
You're not only cancer-free, you're free of their control.
Oh, my God.
How am I ever going to be able to thank you ? You drove him out to McCade, you dropped him off, you brought back his clothes.
The evidence is all over your car.
He loved me.
He used you, just like he used everybody.
If they were trying to clean up all the blood, they did a good job.
Steam cleaner tested positive for blood, but there wasn't enough for DNA.
Did you find anything ? Funny you should ask.
Found a hair in the brushes.
It's on the left.
The one on the right is Chyna de Vere'S.
They're both Chyna'S.
Hey, so that steam cleaner was completely wiped down, couldn't find any prints.
But then I remembered this story about a csi down in L.
A.
Nobody could find any prints on a gas can from an arson, but he realized that you got to grip it underneath in order to pour out the gas.
And you know what ? He broke the case.
So whose prints are on the steam cleaner ? I just got an AFIS hit : Preston de Vere.
You have a destiny.
You were chosen.
You are a protector of mankind.
Have no fear.
Cut off her tail, she lives.
Cut off her head, she dies.
No problem.
It wasn't a reptilian conspiracy, but it was a conspiracy.
Men are snakes.
So we checked Chyna's bank account.
She had a tidy little inheritance until she met you.
Chyna was sucking the life out of me.
She deserved none of what she wanted and all of what she got in the end.
I'm glad it took a long time for her to die.
I can only imagine the pain.
You know, every time I think about leaving this job, a guy like you comes along and reminds me why I can'T.
History is replete with stories of the heroic destruction of serpents.
Perseus and Medusa, St.
George and the dragon, St.
Patrick and the snakes of Ireland.
These are not merely legends.
These are accounts of battles for the survival of the human race, a battle we will lose unless we stop killing one another and focus on the real enemies.
They are among us.