Dan Vs. (2010) s03e07 Episode Script
The DMV
(klie dj on radio) Next up on KLIE, the Lie: is our government secretly being run by half human, half animal hybrids? What do you think? Pff.
Half human would be an improvement.
Oh, come on! Do you know why I pulled you over? No, officer.
I wasn't speeding, and my hands never strayed from the 10 and 2 position.
Not even when I sneezed.
Your plates are expired.
License and registration.
Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt What's this? Hey, Ninja Dave's receipt How about we start with your license? Bad hair day, huh? I'm sorry, did I get pulled over by the fashion police? This license is expired.
But my voter registration is completely up to date.
Good citizen.
I'll have to write you a "fix-it" ticket.
You'll need to go to the Department of Motor Vehicles and get this all sorted out.
This is an outrage! I demand you tear up that ticket at once! Stay in your car, sir! I will not! My friend Chris pays taxes and those taxes pay your salary! Pepper spray? Really? Do I look like a five year-old? Sir, if you don't calm down, I'll be happy to upgrade to my nightstick.
But I wasn't doing anything wrong! Hey, I don't make the rules.
Blame the DMV.
DMV!!!! Ooh, and I AM going to have to cite you for noise violation.
I bet he uses the two-finger creeping death touch here.
(scream from the tv) Boom! Told you! Ridiculous.
Any authentic creeping death touch requires at least three fingers.
Chris, drop the ball and chain and grab your keys.
We're going.
I could demonstrate I'm legally not allowed to drive my own car.
Can you believe that?! Since when do you care what's legal? I had to take the bus here, Chris.
The bus! There I was, wedged in with the unwashed masses, And! Some gibbering idiot who was talking this close! Do you have any idea how annoying that is, Chris? Well do you?! Do you?! At least you're making friends.
Did you just hear a high-pitched nothing? What do you want, Dan? I need you to drive me to the DMV.
You took the bus here.
Why don't you take the bus to the DMV? There it is again.
Are you hearing that too? You mean Elise? Is that what that is? You should get that fixed.
Chris, will you kindly get Dan out of here before I do? Finally, she says something that makes sense.
You hit me, I'll sue! You wouldn't.
He sued his own grandmother.
Socks are not an acceptable Christmas present.
Dead men don't sue.
Okay! We're leaving.
Love you! I would really like for you and Elise to be nicer to each other.
I try, Chris.
But she's got some serious issues.
It's just, when my best friend and my wife don't get along, it puts me in the middle.
Then pick a side already! I pick Elise.
Ow! Who gave you a vote? This shouldn't take too long, right? When's the last time you went to the DMV? Ughhmm.
Well that's grim.
Dan, what are you doing? We'll be up in no time.
Dan you can't just cut in line! Or steal from the dead for that matter.
You didn't complain when I got you that watch for your birthday.
Finally! Number.
I need to renew my license.
Wow.
That's a bad hair day.
I had just woken up in a dumpster in Sacramento.
It was a bad day all around.
I'll need to see some I.
D.
This is expired.
Hence, the need to renew it.
I need something current, with your picture, your name, and the date.
Hey I've got something.
Why do you have my mug shot? This one looks so adorable I, ust had to keep it.
Fill these out, bring them back with the correct documentation.
Thank you! Next of kin, Mumbles, comma, mister.
Mother's maiden name, how would I know that? Hey Elise is outside.
Thanks for bringing lunch, you didn't have to do that.
I was thinking about what you said earlier, about how you'd like it if Dan and I got along better.
I said that to Dan when we were alone in the car.
Uh-huh.
Salt and vinegar? What am I welsh? Do you have Dan's car bugged? No.
Of course not! Here have a sandwich.
Wait, do you have ME bugged?! Ooo cupcakes! Yes there's one for each of you.
Great! It may be possible you're not so bad after all.
Come on, Chris.
Wow.
High praise.
See you at home.
Aahhh! My poor old lady hip! I have everything in order.
Sir, the line for people with completed paperwork is right over there.
Do you think Elise has me bugged? Sure.
This is taking forever.
Is there only one guy working here? Tell me about it.
We're down to our last sandwich.
It's tunafish.
"Tunafish" is redundant, Chris.
That's like saying "cowbeef.
" Oh I'd kill for some cowbeef! Or even some chickenchicken.
At last, I can finally get my license and go ho-- - oh, no you don't.
All right, everyone! We're closed.
Please proceed in an orderly fashion to-- You're going to process my paperwork first, right?! No, you'll have to come back tomorrow.
Tomorrow? But I've been here since ten a.
m.
!! Well we open at eight.
You should've gotten here earlier.
Yea well you should've gotten here, sandwich!! Not the tunafish! I'll see ya tomorrow! Let's see we're gonna need food, a couple of comfortable chairs Are those our beach chairs? Flashlight, and a stick for roasting marshmallows.
Is all this for the DMV tomorrow? No, it's for tonight.
You better call Elise and tell her you won't be home.
I can't, Elise and I were going to play a board game tonight.
Hello? (elise on phone) Don't worry about it.
I have a movie to watch anyway.
Okay, seriously.
Do you have me bugged? (elise on phone) I told you already, no.
See you tomorrow.
Is this really easier than standing in line for an extra hour or so? Easier? No.
I'm gonna turn in.
Wake me if we're attacked by coyotes.
You were kidding, right? There aren't really-- Uh, Dan? How did it go? I shot at what I thought was a coyote a couple hours ago, but it turned out to be a paperboy.
Did you hit him? No.
That's a shame we could've used the pelt.
You're going to be nicer, right? Of course.
Number.
Yes, I was here yesterday? Ahh youWelcome back, sir.
Give me my license! I assume you have all the paperwork? Very mature.
Let's take a look shall we I'm sorry sir these are old forms.
Those are the ones you gave me yesterday.
I'm sure that's not what happened.
Chris, the crossbow.
Are you trying to intimidate me? Of course not.
But accidents do happen.
Crossbow accidents.
Whoops.
Well, all your paperwork appears to be in order.
Now you just need to get in that line over there for tests.
No more lines! Well, we could do expedited testing in special cases.
Why don't you go see my manager at desk C-130.
Now was that so hard? Why is this desk so far away from all of the others? It's the express desk that they obviously don't want the hoi polloi to know about.
(chris on earphones) But don't you think it's weird that you're getting special treatment after you threatened the guy? That's the whole point of threatening him.
(chris on earphones) You know, you can catch more flies with honey, than with vinegar.
(dan on earphones) Who wants flies? What kind of an incentive bzzz This doesn't look right Maybe we take the elevator back-- Huh.
Do these bones look human to you? Where are we? Do you work here? Is there someone else I could talk to? Nope.
Take a number and get in line I'm just looking for someone.
Big guy, brown hair, socks and sandals? Angry little friend? Not ringing any bells I'm positive they've been here.
Ah.
Them.
They left.
Where did they go? Listen, we're the DMV, not the FBI.
Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to my salad.
I don't want to be alarmist here, but a lot of these bones have toothmarks on them.
There's a room up ahead.
At least we're back in the twentieth century.
That's rarely a good sign.
(computer voice on speaker) Test commencing.
What test? Hello? (computer voice on speaker) Question One: How far away from a fire hydrant must you park? Open this door, you jerks! (computer voice on speaker) Incorrect answer.
Whoa! My crossbow! I think we have bigger problems right now! Like what?! (computer voice on speaker) Question 2 Oh.
I ate alligator once, when I was in New Orleans.
I guess on some level I deserve this.
Relax, buddy, I got this.
One must allow at least 300 feet before following an emergency vehicle with its lights on.
Three hundred feet?! That can't be right.
Oh, we're going to-- (computer voice on speaker) Correct.
Test passed.
-- live! Yes! Come on, let's get through this thing.
Finally, some wheels! I'm so tired of walking! What are you waiting for? I just have a bad feeling about this conveniently-placed vehicle in the middle of what has so far been a trap-filled maze.
Just get in, you big baby! Shut up.
(computer voice on speaker) PLEASE PERFORM A 3-POINT TURN.
Is that all? No problem.
(computer voice on speaker) FAILURE WILL RESULT IN DEATH.
Oh no.
Aaahh! You are going to tell me where my husband is, or I am going to something something something sword! What is is today with medieval weapons? He's in the labyrinth under the building.
The what? (computer voice on speaker) Parallel parking test passed.
And you were worried.
It's for our problem cases.
You need somewhere to put the people who are disrespectful and abusive.
How much would one of those set me back? (dan v.
o.
) E, F, P, T, O, Z, L, P, E, D.
(computer voice on speaker) Vision test passed.
License renewal completed.
That's it? We're done? (computer voice on speaker) Stand by for photo to be taken.
Aah! Pth! What the-- Wait, let me take another picture! I wasn't ready! (computer voice on speaker) Goodbye.
In ancient times, the inventor of the chariot created the need to license its' drivers.
So King Minos of Crete established the first DMV.
That's ridiculous! What would DMV have even stood for back then? So Where's my license? There.
It's about time.
Dungeon of minotaur violence.
Yes.
There's one beneath every DMV.
So, as you can clearly see, your husband has certainly been eaten by now.
Nothing to be done.
So, if you'll just let me go Let you go? Wow, that sounds perfectly reason-- no chance.
I think we lost him.
Why do minotaurs eat people? Cows don't eat people.
People don't eat people For the most part.
Why would a half-cow, half-man eat people!? More to the point, what does defeating a minotaur have to do with getting my license renewed? Man I hate the DMV! Not the beef jerky! Dan! Stop biting! Elise? What are you doing here? When I lost the signal from my tracking device, I came looking for you.
So you DO have me bugged! No, I have DAN bugged.
Hmrph? I need you to be quiet, so you don't bring the minotaur back.
You set me up!! Dan! We need him to get out of here.
He's part of my plan.
And what gives you the right to fit me with a transmitter? I feel violated! When I bugged Chris, all I got was eating noises.
Now look, Chris is right.
We waste a lot of time and energy being mean to each other.
We need to work together if we're going to escape.
Are you in? What's your plan? I like it.
I knew you guys would start getting along! Can I know the plan? No.
Ah-ah.
Not so fast, Lloyd.
Okay, if we just go for the rope, the minotaur will catch us before we get up high enough.
So we need to cause a distraction here, and sneak around to the other side.
How do we do that? You'll see.
What--? Hey! Minotaur! Wait! You can't do this! Well, better than the last one.
I'm sorry I was rude to you earlier, Elise.
Thanks for coming to get us.
You're welcome, Dan.
Good teamwork back in the labyrinth.
What do you think will happen to the DMV guy? Eh, I'm sure he'll be fine.
All's well that ends well, right? You know, this is actually the easiest time I've ever had at the DMV.
Half human would be an improvement.
Oh, come on! Do you know why I pulled you over? No, officer.
I wasn't speeding, and my hands never strayed from the 10 and 2 position.
Not even when I sneezed.
Your plates are expired.
License and registration.
Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt, Burgerphile receipt What's this? Hey, Ninja Dave's receipt How about we start with your license? Bad hair day, huh? I'm sorry, did I get pulled over by the fashion police? This license is expired.
But my voter registration is completely up to date.
Good citizen.
I'll have to write you a "fix-it" ticket.
You'll need to go to the Department of Motor Vehicles and get this all sorted out.
This is an outrage! I demand you tear up that ticket at once! Stay in your car, sir! I will not! My friend Chris pays taxes and those taxes pay your salary! Pepper spray? Really? Do I look like a five year-old? Sir, if you don't calm down, I'll be happy to upgrade to my nightstick.
But I wasn't doing anything wrong! Hey, I don't make the rules.
Blame the DMV.
DMV!!!! Ooh, and I AM going to have to cite you for noise violation.
I bet he uses the two-finger creeping death touch here.
(scream from the tv) Boom! Told you! Ridiculous.
Any authentic creeping death touch requires at least three fingers.
Chris, drop the ball and chain and grab your keys.
We're going.
I could demonstrate I'm legally not allowed to drive my own car.
Can you believe that?! Since when do you care what's legal? I had to take the bus here, Chris.
The bus! There I was, wedged in with the unwashed masses, And! Some gibbering idiot who was talking this close! Do you have any idea how annoying that is, Chris? Well do you?! Do you?! At least you're making friends.
Did you just hear a high-pitched nothing? What do you want, Dan? I need you to drive me to the DMV.
You took the bus here.
Why don't you take the bus to the DMV? There it is again.
Are you hearing that too? You mean Elise? Is that what that is? You should get that fixed.
Chris, will you kindly get Dan out of here before I do? Finally, she says something that makes sense.
You hit me, I'll sue! You wouldn't.
He sued his own grandmother.
Socks are not an acceptable Christmas present.
Dead men don't sue.
Okay! We're leaving.
Love you! I would really like for you and Elise to be nicer to each other.
I try, Chris.
But she's got some serious issues.
It's just, when my best friend and my wife don't get along, it puts me in the middle.
Then pick a side already! I pick Elise.
Ow! Who gave you a vote? This shouldn't take too long, right? When's the last time you went to the DMV? Ughhmm.
Well that's grim.
Dan, what are you doing? We'll be up in no time.
Dan you can't just cut in line! Or steal from the dead for that matter.
You didn't complain when I got you that watch for your birthday.
Finally! Number.
I need to renew my license.
Wow.
That's a bad hair day.
I had just woken up in a dumpster in Sacramento.
It was a bad day all around.
I'll need to see some I.
D.
This is expired.
Hence, the need to renew it.
I need something current, with your picture, your name, and the date.
Hey I've got something.
Why do you have my mug shot? This one looks so adorable I, ust had to keep it.
Fill these out, bring them back with the correct documentation.
Thank you! Next of kin, Mumbles, comma, mister.
Mother's maiden name, how would I know that? Hey Elise is outside.
Thanks for bringing lunch, you didn't have to do that.
I was thinking about what you said earlier, about how you'd like it if Dan and I got along better.
I said that to Dan when we were alone in the car.
Uh-huh.
Salt and vinegar? What am I welsh? Do you have Dan's car bugged? No.
Of course not! Here have a sandwich.
Wait, do you have ME bugged?! Ooo cupcakes! Yes there's one for each of you.
Great! It may be possible you're not so bad after all.
Come on, Chris.
Wow.
High praise.
See you at home.
Aahhh! My poor old lady hip! I have everything in order.
Sir, the line for people with completed paperwork is right over there.
Do you think Elise has me bugged? Sure.
This is taking forever.
Is there only one guy working here? Tell me about it.
We're down to our last sandwich.
It's tunafish.
"Tunafish" is redundant, Chris.
That's like saying "cowbeef.
" Oh I'd kill for some cowbeef! Or even some chickenchicken.
At last, I can finally get my license and go ho-- - oh, no you don't.
All right, everyone! We're closed.
Please proceed in an orderly fashion to-- You're going to process my paperwork first, right?! No, you'll have to come back tomorrow.
Tomorrow? But I've been here since ten a.
m.
!! Well we open at eight.
You should've gotten here earlier.
Yea well you should've gotten here, sandwich!! Not the tunafish! I'll see ya tomorrow! Let's see we're gonna need food, a couple of comfortable chairs Are those our beach chairs? Flashlight, and a stick for roasting marshmallows.
Is all this for the DMV tomorrow? No, it's for tonight.
You better call Elise and tell her you won't be home.
I can't, Elise and I were going to play a board game tonight.
Hello? (elise on phone) Don't worry about it.
I have a movie to watch anyway.
Okay, seriously.
Do you have me bugged? (elise on phone) I told you already, no.
See you tomorrow.
Is this really easier than standing in line for an extra hour or so? Easier? No.
I'm gonna turn in.
Wake me if we're attacked by coyotes.
You were kidding, right? There aren't really-- Uh, Dan? How did it go? I shot at what I thought was a coyote a couple hours ago, but it turned out to be a paperboy.
Did you hit him? No.
That's a shame we could've used the pelt.
You're going to be nicer, right? Of course.
Number.
Yes, I was here yesterday? Ahh youWelcome back, sir.
Give me my license! I assume you have all the paperwork? Very mature.
Let's take a look shall we I'm sorry sir these are old forms.
Those are the ones you gave me yesterday.
I'm sure that's not what happened.
Chris, the crossbow.
Are you trying to intimidate me? Of course not.
But accidents do happen.
Crossbow accidents.
Whoops.
Well, all your paperwork appears to be in order.
Now you just need to get in that line over there for tests.
No more lines! Well, we could do expedited testing in special cases.
Why don't you go see my manager at desk C-130.
Now was that so hard? Why is this desk so far away from all of the others? It's the express desk that they obviously don't want the hoi polloi to know about.
(chris on earphones) But don't you think it's weird that you're getting special treatment after you threatened the guy? That's the whole point of threatening him.
(chris on earphones) You know, you can catch more flies with honey, than with vinegar.
(dan on earphones) Who wants flies? What kind of an incentive bzzz This doesn't look right Maybe we take the elevator back-- Huh.
Do these bones look human to you? Where are we? Do you work here? Is there someone else I could talk to? Nope.
Take a number and get in line I'm just looking for someone.
Big guy, brown hair, socks and sandals? Angry little friend? Not ringing any bells I'm positive they've been here.
Ah.
Them.
They left.
Where did they go? Listen, we're the DMV, not the FBI.
Now if you don't mind, I'd like to get back to my salad.
I don't want to be alarmist here, but a lot of these bones have toothmarks on them.
There's a room up ahead.
At least we're back in the twentieth century.
That's rarely a good sign.
(computer voice on speaker) Test commencing.
What test? Hello? (computer voice on speaker) Question One: How far away from a fire hydrant must you park? Open this door, you jerks! (computer voice on speaker) Incorrect answer.
Whoa! My crossbow! I think we have bigger problems right now! Like what?! (computer voice on speaker) Question 2 Oh.
I ate alligator once, when I was in New Orleans.
I guess on some level I deserve this.
Relax, buddy, I got this.
One must allow at least 300 feet before following an emergency vehicle with its lights on.
Three hundred feet?! That can't be right.
Oh, we're going to-- (computer voice on speaker) Correct.
Test passed.
-- live! Yes! Come on, let's get through this thing.
Finally, some wheels! I'm so tired of walking! What are you waiting for? I just have a bad feeling about this conveniently-placed vehicle in the middle of what has so far been a trap-filled maze.
Just get in, you big baby! Shut up.
(computer voice on speaker) PLEASE PERFORM A 3-POINT TURN.
Is that all? No problem.
(computer voice on speaker) FAILURE WILL RESULT IN DEATH.
Oh no.
Aaahh! You are going to tell me where my husband is, or I am going to something something something sword! What is is today with medieval weapons? He's in the labyrinth under the building.
The what? (computer voice on speaker) Parallel parking test passed.
And you were worried.
It's for our problem cases.
You need somewhere to put the people who are disrespectful and abusive.
How much would one of those set me back? (dan v.
o.
) E, F, P, T, O, Z, L, P, E, D.
(computer voice on speaker) Vision test passed.
License renewal completed.
That's it? We're done? (computer voice on speaker) Stand by for photo to be taken.
Aah! Pth! What the-- Wait, let me take another picture! I wasn't ready! (computer voice on speaker) Goodbye.
In ancient times, the inventor of the chariot created the need to license its' drivers.
So King Minos of Crete established the first DMV.
That's ridiculous! What would DMV have even stood for back then? So Where's my license? There.
It's about time.
Dungeon of minotaur violence.
Yes.
There's one beneath every DMV.
So, as you can clearly see, your husband has certainly been eaten by now.
Nothing to be done.
So, if you'll just let me go Let you go? Wow, that sounds perfectly reason-- no chance.
I think we lost him.
Why do minotaurs eat people? Cows don't eat people.
People don't eat people For the most part.
Why would a half-cow, half-man eat people!? More to the point, what does defeating a minotaur have to do with getting my license renewed? Man I hate the DMV! Not the beef jerky! Dan! Stop biting! Elise? What are you doing here? When I lost the signal from my tracking device, I came looking for you.
So you DO have me bugged! No, I have DAN bugged.
Hmrph? I need you to be quiet, so you don't bring the minotaur back.
You set me up!! Dan! We need him to get out of here.
He's part of my plan.
And what gives you the right to fit me with a transmitter? I feel violated! When I bugged Chris, all I got was eating noises.
Now look, Chris is right.
We waste a lot of time and energy being mean to each other.
We need to work together if we're going to escape.
Are you in? What's your plan? I like it.
I knew you guys would start getting along! Can I know the plan? No.
Ah-ah.
Not so fast, Lloyd.
Okay, if we just go for the rope, the minotaur will catch us before we get up high enough.
So we need to cause a distraction here, and sneak around to the other side.
How do we do that? You'll see.
What--? Hey! Minotaur! Wait! You can't do this! Well, better than the last one.
I'm sorry I was rude to you earlier, Elise.
Thanks for coming to get us.
You're welcome, Dan.
Good teamwork back in the labyrinth.
What do you think will happen to the DMV guy? Eh, I'm sure he'll be fine.
All's well that ends well, right? You know, this is actually the easiest time I've ever had at the DMV.