Full House s01e03 Episode Script

So, Kimmy, we gotta be the first ones in class tomorrow - to get the seats in the back row.
- Okay.
Why? - It's the best place to pass notes.
- I love the way your mind works.
This outfit is all wrong.
Tomorrow's the first day of kindergarten and I have nothing to wear.
Your bed is full of clothes.
Yeah, but they're not me.
Well, they're me, but they're the preschool me.
I'll sit anywhere you want as long as it's not near Arthur Wilcox.
- Arthur Wilcox! - Arthur Wilcox! Who's Arthur Wilcox? Steph, please, Kimmy and I are talking about school.
So am I.
What if I walk into class wearing a goofy outfit and everyone says: Stephanie Tanner! Would you stop worrying? Kindergarten is so easy.
The only thing you have to know is the Pledge of Allegiance.
The what? I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America and to the republic for which it stands, one nation under God, indivisible with liberty and justice for all.
I'm dead meat.
Kimmy, your mom is downstairs.
She said you were supposed to be home a half-hour ago.
That's the third time today.
She's gonna kill me.
Don't panic.
Just set your watch back a half-hour.
I love the way your mind works.
- Uncle Jesse, how do I look? - Like a bag lady.
What happened to Michelle? Your sister Michelle tried to eat her dinner by pushing it through her face.
- Yeah, we better give her a bath.
- That's a good idea-- Do we know how? Sure, it's just like giving a puppy a bath.
- Only, there's a little less tail to clean.
- Right.
- Hey, Joey, the kid's ready.
- So am I.
This is the most terrifying shower scene since Psycho.
Hey, it's all right, pal.
Here, you go to your Uncle Joey there.
There you go.
Joey, the baby has better muscle tone than you do.
And what do you bench? If we missed anything stupid would you start all over? Girls, get out, go to bed.
Get out of here.
Don't worry.
Joey will do something just as stupid tomorrow.
You got a call from the Laugh Machine.
Somebody got sick.
You have to go on at 9:30 instead of 1:30.
- Jess, what do I open with? - How about a joke? Perfect.
Thank God you're here.
I've made a decision.
I'll open with a joke.
- What's my best joke? - That outfit.
D.
J.
, are you asleep? I can't tell.
I think I'm blind.
Will you look at one more outfit? Steph, I've seen your entire wardrobe twice.
Okay.
Wanna listen to the pledge? I pledge allegiance to the flag of some states of America.
I'm gonna tuck you in.
Very tight.
And to the public, which understands.
With God and liberty.
I'm dead meat.
Okay, she's clean.
You could eat off this baby.
Thanks for helping me out with the baby.
No problem.
I got a date with a dancer, but not till midnight.
Another exotic dancer? For your information, Joseph, I happen to be dating a ballerina.
Okay, she's a topless ballerina.
Good luck tonight, pal.
Yeah, tonight, 9:30.
This could be the big break I've been waiting for, Jess.
I've been at this comedy stuff since I was 4, when I did my first impression.
Ever since then, all I wanted was to make people happy.
- Is this making any sense? - Oh, yeah, I know what you're saying.
You're talking about that magical moment when you know what you wanna do with your life.
For me it was at 6.
I turned the TV on, there was Elvis Presley in King Creole.
Naturally, he played a two-fisted, fun-loving, girl-chasing, singing busboy.
They stole that Oscar from him.
Robbed him blind.
Anyway, Elvis made me feel that music was something special, you know? I gotta be honest with you, when he started singing "Hard Headed Woman" forget about it, I was touched.
I mean, it was like.
I was like this: Jess.
Jess, Jess, you are great.
Man, you got all the moves.
I feel it, you know? I feel it.
I'm doing this lip thing, which is new.
Sing another song, would you? Please? For Michelle.
She loves music.
All right.
I need a scarf.
Here we go.
All right, get a load of this.
Oh, my God.
What? We were just giving the kid a bath.
Then why isn't she in the tub? Because Joey's in the tub, and I'm in the tub and there's not enough room for, you know, all of us.
It's obvious.
I really am intruding.
I'm gonna go put Michelle in her crib.
I'm gonna go check on my other girls and just leave you two sailors to your suds and your singing.
Hi, Daddy.
Hi, Dad.
Why is everybody awake? I'll show you.
I'm ready for school.
Honey, you're ready for the prom.
You said this would be good.
If you can't have fun with your little sister, what's the point in having one? - Good morning, boys.
- Good morning, Pa, Hoss.
Little Joe.
How'd it go last night? I started out great, but right in the middle-- No, no, I meant in the bathtub with Hoss.
I finished "Love Me Tender," we did a short medley from "Viva Las Vegas" and I got the hell out of the tub.
Dad, we're all ready.
Girls, I don't wanna brag but Chef Boyar-dad has made some super-great lunches for a super-great first day of school.
And you know what, Stephanie? For you I've got a brand-new lunch box.
The Jetsons.
Hi, I'm home.
Hi, Jane.
Hi, Elroy.
Hi, Astro.
Hi, George.
How was your first day at work? And, D.
J.
, for you, I've got a brand-new Barbie lunch box.
I don't do Barbie.
Oh, darn.
Thanks, Dad, but fifth-graders don't carry lunch boxes anymore.
Try to sell it to a first-grader.
Come on, we don't wanna miss our bus.
- I guess not.
- Wait, girls.
Stephanie, honey, are you sure you don't want me to go with you? Don't worry, Dad.
I'll make sure she's okay.
Yeah.
It'll be fun.
You girls are really growing up.
Stephanie's starting school.
Wait here.
I'm gonna get my video camera.
Don't move.
Okay, just come in when I tell you to.
When I say action.
Okay, give me love.
Action.
My little baby's starting school.
I changed my mind.
I'm not going.
Honey, what do you mean, you're not going to school? I don't feel good.
Maybe I'll go next year.
- You don't look sick.
- Is that better? The face is almost there.
Give it kind of a.
Like that.
And throw in a real hacking cough.
Come on, you're gonna miss the bus.
Steph, are you okay? See? Now you're tricking people.
D.
J.
, you go on ahead.
Steph's nervous about her first day at school.
I'll make sure she gets there.
Okay, Steph, see you there.
Stephanie.
Wait a minute.
Where are you going? Steph, I wanna talk to you.
Sweetheart, don't you wanna go to school and be smart? I'll stay home and watch public television.
Come on, Steph, spill your guts.
Why don't you wanna go to school? Because I don't know anybody.
I'll be all alone.
It'll be real scary.
I won't know anybody and I won't have any friends.
Steph you're gonna make friends, I promise.
You and I, we're gonna go down there together.
Daddy's not gonna leave until everything's all right.
Yeah, you're just nervous because it's your first day.
Yeah, see, first times can be scary, but they can be exciting too.
I remember a real exciting first time for me.
I was 14.
I went out with this incredible college girl, Marisa Delacrew.
We went to the drive-in.
First, I was kind of nervous and a little scared.
But then Marisa, she kind of-- I don't know, she got kind of friendly, and.
Let's just say first times can be great.
Not a helpful story.
But darn entertaining.
Okay.
I came to kindergarten.
We can go home now.
Steph, wait a minute.
Honey, sweetheart.
Baby, don't worry.
You're gonna feel much better as soon as you meet someone.
Oh, look, here comes a real nice little girl right now.
I'm never going back in there again! Never, never! No! Let's wait for another little girl.
One who has a better outlook on life.
I know.
We'll play for a while and ease our way into this, okay? Come here.
Look, honey, it's a slide.
Your very favorite.
This is like the lollipop they give before the big shot, isn't it? Oh, no, no, no.
Why didn't I bring a lollipop? Here.
Come on, honey.
We're gonna play on the slide.
Here we go, this is fun.
Oh, yeah.
That was fun.
Now it's my turn.
Here I go.
Here we go.
Here I go.
If we're having this much fun outside the class just imagine the barrel of monkeys waiting for us inside, huh? Oh, Michelle.
Honey.
What's wrong, sweetheart? She's scared too.
See what she did? Yeah.
She's got a Pamper full of fright.
I'm gonna go change her.
Sweetheart, I want you to wait inside the class, okay? Okay, but I don't know anybody in there.
Hey, Steph.
What's shaking? Uncle Jesse, what are you doing here? Come here, I'll tell you.
I was on my way to work, and since I happen to be a part-time exterminator I thought I'd make sure there are no bugs or varmints in your classroom.
Other than these rug rats.
Look, I made this for you.
What is it? It's either a dog with no head or an ashtray.
Dog with no head.
Will you stay here and never leave? What's the matter, no pals yet? I don't know why.
You look pretty.
You smell okay.
All right, you stay here and get ready to learn some new names, all right? Attention, all munchkins.
Free milks all around, compliments of the coolest kid in class, Stephanie Tanner.
Make a friend.
Get a free milk.
Great.
Now I have no friends and no milk.
Can't believe that milk scam didn't work.
All right, we'll go to my specialty, personal charm.
Now, you wait here.
I'll be back with your new best friend, okay? Sit down.
Little girl, how would you like to make a new friend? Stranger, stranger, stranger! What is going on here? Nothing, I'm just trying to help the kids become friends, that's all.
Who are you? I'm this pretty little girl's father.
Right, Steph? Okay.
As long as you're here would you come with me to the supply room and kill something with eight legs? I'll be right back.
This happens all the time.
Everybody loves the exterminator.
- Hi, Stephanie.
- Hi.
Wow.
This place is great.
You got toys and blocks and pin the tail on the donkey.
Sure wish I lived here.
Here, take my place.
Okay, there's only one sure-fire way to make friends.
It's Duck Duck Goose time.
All right, everybody, Stephanie has a great idea.
It's Duck Duck Goose time.
In a circle.
That's right.
We're ducking, we're goosing.
We're having a great time! All right, okay! Sitting down, okay! Yeah, Duck Duck Goose.
My favorite.
Duck, duck, duck.
Goose! You gotta catch me! We're having a great time.
Hello.
Go to your chair.
Find your chairs.
Who are you? I'm this pretty little girl's father.
Okay.
What are you guys doing here? - Who are you? - Me? I'm this adorable little girl's father.
What? Elizabeth Taylor's daughter had seven fathers.
Danny, more good news.
D.
J.
's going over the wall.
Yeah, this dad stuff's a piece of cake.
Here.
Take the little poopster.
Stay right here.
Okay, Daddy, and Daddy and Daddy.
Freeze.
What is this? I don't wanna jump to conclusions but it appears that what we have is my daughter ditching school throwing away her future, basically becoming a juvenile delinquent.
In a nutshell, yes.
Would you mind if I ask you a question before you knock off a 7-Eleven? Why are you dropping out of school? Because they put me in the smart class.
The advanced class? D.
J.
, that's wonderful.
Dad, it's Geekville, U.
S.
A.
These kids, the first day of school, they brought homework.
And get this, I'm the only blond.
And worst of all, they split me and Kimmy up.
I know you're disappointed, but it's not like you'll never see Kimmy again.
She lives next door.
Dad, you don't understand.
Kimmy and I have always been in the same class.
Now I'm in a room full of eggheads.
They're worse than eggheads.
They're omelet-heads.
D.
J.
, it's the omelet-heads who rule the world.
You really should give this a chance.
- Do you know why? - Why? Because if you don't try new things you're never gonna know what you're missing out on.
Bye.
- Bye, Dad.
- Hold it.
- Where do you think you're going? - Home.
You're not going anywhere.
Nobody's going anyplace unless it's back into those rooms.
- There she is.
- I got this.
- What you two need to understand-- - Dad? Yes? Stay.
Let me just talk to my sister alone, okay? Woman to woman.
I think I can help.
All right, you can talk to her.
But remember, I'm trusting you.
I promise we won't try to make a break for it.
Okay.
Steph.
What's wrong? No friends.
You can't expect to make friends the first day.
When I started kindergarten, I didn't know anybody either.
What about Kimmy? We were just in the same class.
But I didn't talk to Kimmy for six months.
Because she's an airhead? She's not an airhead.
She just hates thinking.
That's probably why we're not in the same class anymore.
I just got stuck in a room full of omelet-heads where I don't know one person.
- It's pretty scary.
- Real scary.
But, Steph, you can't run away every time you're scared.
If you don't try new things, you'll never know what you're missing out on.
Where did I hear that? Oh, no.
He was right.
- Who was right? - You don't know him.
Anyways, making new friends takes time.
But you got one really good friend at school already.
Who? Me.
And I'm right down the hall.
Room seven.
You can't miss me.
I'm the only omelet-head with blond hair.
Thanks.
Steph, I'll go back to my class if you go back to yours, okay? Okay.