Gamer's Guide To Pretty Much Everything (2015) Episode Scripts

N/A - The Arcade Hero

1 [playing discordantly] Please stop! - That sound is so annoying.
- Annoying? I'll have you know the violin is considered the sweet songbird of the orchestra.
Your sweet songbird sounds like a cat stuck in a dryer.
Excuse me.
It's just not tuned right.
[plucks note] Little more.
Little [string breaks] Little less.
Ugh.
Now I can't play until I get a new string.
Oh, too bad.
We were really hoping to hear you play all day.
- Hey.
- What happened to you? My violin string broke.
Ha! This day just keeps getting better and better! - Why are you so happy? - Well, I did it again.
My greatest invention yet.
It looks like a string taped to a quarter.
Wrong.
It's fishing line hot glued to a quarter.
I call it "the gimme back.
" Wanna know how it works? - Not really.
- Nope.
Glad you asked.
First step, get rid of the kid.
I recommend the butt check technique.
Now, insert the gimme back.
Get your credit, and then, gimme back.
Huh.
Got it back.
I'm a genius! [title music] Gamer's Guide Gamer's Guide 2x13 - The Arcade Hero Gamer's Guide Well, looks like the replacement arcade game is here.
- Hope it's a good one.
- Well, don't get your hopes up.
Billy always gets the worst games.
Remember Milk-splosion? [mooing] Oh! Well, whatever game Billy gets, I'm sure it'll be lame.
Oh! It's Super Cat Kong! This is the first game I ever played.
This game looks so lame.
There's no zombies or cheerleaders - or zombie cheerleaders.
- Are you kidding me? You play as a samurai cat who protects water weasels - from evil ditch diggers.
- Lameness confirmed.
Yeah? Well, check this out.
If you enter the right code, you get a message from Hiroki Kushiyu, the greatest video game creator of all time.
[tapping] [music plays] Greetings, warrior.
[gong sounds] The first among you to help Super Cat reach the Temple of Tomorrow will win the one-of-a-kind Power Cat statue.
[meows] But you shall never reach it.
[Kushiyu laughing] Offer not valid in Hawaii or Guam.
So if I beat this lame game, that lame geezer will give me a lame statue? Sounds pretty cool.
Yeah, but the game is impossible to beat.
It's been out for 20 years, and no one's ever done it.
This sounds like a job for the gimme back.
You break this machine, I break you! Fine.
I'll use a real quarter like a sucker.
[scoffs] Hurry up and lose.
I wanna play.
[game sounds] Ugh, this game is so old.
Whoa.
Those parking lot ducks are fighting again! [8-bit sound] Level 1 complete.
[chuckles] Oh, Mandy, I can't wait to have you in my arms.
We're gonna make beautiful music together.
So, shall we try out your new string? [clears throat] Excuse me, sir! This is a violin case, not a trash can.
Oh, this is money.
How could you, people?! Paying this boy to stop playing his horrible violin music? No, Ashley.
They're paying me to play.
I was paying you to stop.
[gags, coughs] Wendell, what happened to you? - You've been gone for hours.
- Word of advice.
Don't bring French fries to the duck fight.
I need your help.
I'm stuck on the last level, and I've been doing the pee-pee dance for an hour.
What kind of restaurant doesn't sell a man-sized diaper? Every kind.
Take over.
I'll be right back.
Don't die! Ugh.
Why does Conor like this lame game? Oh, I know.
I'll just die.
Say good-bye to all nine lives, kitty.
You're about to jump into a volcano.
[fanfare plays] [alarm bell rings] What happened? Congratulations, warrior.
You have reached the Temple of Tomorrow.
You are grand champion! [laughing] We won, we won! Sweet Super Cat Kong, we won! Dude, we gotta take a pic of the victory screen, and send it in for our prize.
This may be the greatest thing that's ever happened to me.
[groovy music] You have a glow about you.
Well, Stu, that happens when you accomplish the impossible.
Tell me about it.
- Whoa! Do you know who that is? - No.
You You're Hiroki Kushiyu! Oh, please, my friends call me Todd.
I'm here to honor the Super Cat Kong grand champion, and to keep the promise I made many years ago.
[laughing] This is really happening! Behold the ultimate one-of-a-kind prize in gaming.
The Power Cat.
I've been dreaming about this thing since I was gaming in soggy diapers.
I proudly present this to the greatest Super Cat Kong warrior in history.
Ah, well, that's a bit much.
But he's not wrong.
- Wendell Ruckus.
- Okay, now he's wrong.
Take good care.
It's priceless.
Nice.
Priceless means I can sell it for at least 20 bucks.
You lost your glow.
[laughing] Wendell Hiroki seems to think that you won the Power Cat.
Well, he's right.
- I won the game, so I get the prize.
- Won the game? You left for six hours to watch ducks fight! This is the picture that was sent to me of the victory screen.
- Dude, you cropped me out! - Only so I'd get all the credit.
There's a simple way to settle this.
- One: whose quarter was it? - Well, Wendell's, but - Two: who started the game? - Technically, Wendell.
And three: who completed the game? Again, that would be Wendell, but Then what are we even talking about here?! Now, can I buy the grand champion a fro-yo? Heck yeah, Todd.
I like fro-yo, Todd.
That's Mr.
Kushiyu to you.
[dance music] [music stops] [applause] Boo! Boo! Boo! What's your problem, Franklin? My problem is that the river walk's my spot.
You're poppin' and lockin' and droppin' it all over the place.
Well, I saw you making all that money and I thought, hey, I like money! Well, I liked money first, so move it along, hon.
The river walk's my turf.
[feedback whines] Franklin! Okay, fine.
Good luck performing without this.
Any good violinist always brings a back-up.
- You roped off the machine? - [chuckles] I didn't.
The Museum of Gaming did.
This bad boy's going in their hall of fame next week, along with this.
[growls] Put that in your hall of fame.
Okay.
So it bothered me at first that Wendell's getting all the credit when I did all the work.
But then, I found a healthy way to vent.
See? Healthy.
And now, I'm just gonna sit back, relax, and watch my favorite online show, Faruq Live At Five.
Later, gamers.
This is Faruq Live At Five.
I'm here with my guest, Wendell Ruckus.
What?! We're here at Billy the Squid's, the place where Wendell became the first person to conquer the unbeatable game Super Cat Kong.
But I didn't beat the game by myself.
There is someone who I need to thank.
Someone whom who might even deserve more credit than I do.
Probably my only true friend.
Finally.
My ferret breeder, Skeevy Steve.
- What?! - Love you, Steve.
Keep it skeevy.
Wow.
Okay But I gotta say, that Power Cat is dope.
I need that at my VIP rooftop party.
- You're coming this Saturday.
- Can Steve come with us? No, he cannot.
I know two things.
I'm getting that cat back, and Skeevy Steve is the perfect name for that guy.
[playing lively tune] Tight set! But Benny, you're still dragging the downbeat.
Pick it up.
Pick it up! Looks like Ashley heard about our new act and decided to, uh, sit it out.
[upbeat dance music plays] I don't believe it.
The crowd's loving her.
Hit it, Benny, and put some stank on it.
They're drowning us out.
It sounds like they're putting some stank on it.
I know.
Follow me.
[applause, cheering] Oh, man.
Look at all that cash.
They thought we're working together, and they loved us.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? - That Benny was dragging the downbeat? - Yes.
My precious.
[mechanical meowing] Sh! Sh! Sh! [meowing continues] Please, Mr.
Power Cat.
I have a family.
[yells] Conor, you are my best friend.
Thank you for winning me.
Oh, of course.
WENDELL: Hey, Conor, are you down there? Uh, one second.
Oh, hey, Wendell.
What are you doing here? 'Cause I'm just, uh organizing my pencils.
- So, what's up? - Hey, I have some bad news.
- Power Cat's gone.
- What?! You're kidding.
I thought I put it in my locker, but when I checked, he wasn't there.
I'm so dumb, I could've put him anywhere.
[mechanical meow] I was just remembering what he sounds like.
[loud meow] I feel terrible.
I probably deserve losing the Power Cat after stealing all the credit.
But for the first time in my life, I actually felt like a winner.
Come on, Wendell.
Don't say that.
You're a winner.
Who was voted the most hated kid in school? - Me.
- See? Winner.
Even that's not cheering me up.
I'm gonna go down to the junkyard so I can be around other garbage.
Well, Conor, you got your precious Power Cat back.
Was it worth it, stabbing your friend in the [coughing] Hairball.
By the way, teaming up was a great idea.
We're gonna make a killing.
Wait.
What's that music, and why is there a crowd? BOTH: Stu? It looks like he's painting something.
No one's gonna pay him money for that.
You can't even tell what it is.
Well, we can't compete with that.
He's a genius.
Whoa.
That's me.
[sighs heavily] Oh, man, I'm such a loser.
I can't even catch a rat today.
Conor, what are you doing here? I came here to tell you the truth.
You didn't lose the Power Cat.
- I took it.
- [gasps] Oh, Conor! Look, I took it because I was jealous.
But when I saw how sad it made you, I knew I had to give it back.
Ha! I knew it.
That's why I shed those crocodile tears.
That was all an act? Yeah, sucker.
I faked it using "emotions.
" What? You were playing me the whole time.
Gimme the Power Cat back.
The Power Cat one of us has to get it.
- That's a great plan.
You do it.
- No.
No, no! I can't just run in there.
You have to distract the dog.
Yeah.
We'll work together, just like we do with the game.
Uh, no, it wasn't we.
It was me.
I beat that game.
Not according to Hork - Horky Todd.
- Just Just distract him.
Game on.
Hey, dumb dog, eat a bag of rocks.
- You did it.
- No, we did it.
Heck yeah, we did.
Together, we outsmarted that mangy mutt.
We're not scared of you, you slobbering flea bag.
Help, Conor! [mechanical meowing] Sorry, Power Cat.
[meowing] [meowing continues] After what I did to you, you sacrificed the Power Cat to save my life.
Oh, no.
I'm having emotions.
It's okay, buddy.
Just take a breath.
It's too late.
The floodgates have opened.
All right, all right.
Let's get outta here before the dog eats us.
Yep.
I'm done with that.
Let's go.
Hey, Conor, I felt bad about the whole Power Cat thing, so I got him back.
- That's Power Cat? - Heck yeah.
I got all the chewed-up pieces and put 'em back together.
But the dog swallowed his head.
- How did you get that? - I waited him out.
[retching] I knew how much it meant to you.
You're welcome.
Wow.
I'm really touched.
I'll treasure this forever.