Home Improvement s01e02 Episode Script

All right, son.
This is an ordinary lawn tractor and we have to Tim-Taylorize it.
So first we gotta remove this puny 'cause we wanna cut lawn maintenance time way down.
So what do we need? More power! You learn well, my little one.
We're gonna replace it with this, 'cause this is more power.
WOW! Darn right, "wow.
" This is a twin-cylinder 1600cc motorcycle engine, normally aspirated at 58 horsepower.
Your dad has ported and polished it, blueprinted the crank, and balanced it all the way through.
Huh? It's got a reverse gear - who needs it? Four forward gears and a suicide clutch.
On a good, clear day, the ET on this bad boy should be under 15 seconds at quarter of a mile.
We can do zero to 80 "m under '55 seconds.
" - You gonna race it? - You bet.
As soon as we install this bad boy, we're gonna enter the Indianapolis 500.
By the time the rest of the pack catches us, we'll have won the race and mowed the infield.
- Want me to get you a towel, Dad? - Why would I want a towel? - To wipe the grease off your hands.
- Grease is our friend.
When you work on heavy-duty machinery, you expect some grease on your hands.
As a matter of fact, I like grease all over.
Kinda like war paint.
Yeah.
Chief Spark Plug.
We're gonna need a variety of tools today, so you wanna make sure you get all your tools lined up within easy reach.
What's this one? Ooh, man.
That's my Tolan precision-engineered torque wrench.
See the gauge there? Measures pounds per square inch.
You use this for all your delicate bolts, like on the engine head, and when you bolt the engine to the chassis.
- Looks old.
- Oh, it's not old.
It's it's experienced.
This is the Yoda of my tool bench, right here.
Yeah.
It's been in my family almost 20 years.
My dad gave it to me, and someday I'm gonna give it to you.
- Gee, thanks, Dad.
- You bet, buddy.
Death to the heathens! And to all gladiators who jump on my couch.
Get off.
- Here's my stuff for the rummage sale.
- Oh, good, good.
Spartacus, did you go through your closet yet? No, not yet.
Would you please turn off the TV and do that now? Mom, this is the bloodiest part! Brad, this rummage sale is a fund-raiser to get your hockey team new uniforms.
Now, turn off the TV now.
Aw, man! While Brad was watching television, I filled my box up to the top.
Thank you, Randy.
It's nice to know I have one perfect child.
I do what I can.
"L filled my box up to the top.
" Hey.
Hey! Stop that.
If I hear any fighting, there's gonna be liver for dinner.
Hi, Mommy.
Look, I'm all greased up.
Well, how nice for you.
I think you missed a spot, right here on your nose.
Good eye, Mom.
So this is the "slight adjustment" to the riding mower you were talking about? Slight 150-horsepower adjustment.
- What do you think? - Well, with that engine, you won't just be cutting the grass, you'll be sucking it up by the roots.
Why do you always come out here and mess up my tools? I'm sorry.
I'm just looking for the duck tape.
It's not "duck" - quack, quack - tape.
It's "duct" tape, like "heating duct.
" Well, excuse me.
Duct tape.
Excuse me while I rinse the side of my face off.
It's right over there on the pegboard.
The pegboard? What's it doing on the pegboard? Shouldn't tape be in a drawer? Jill, this is a garage, not Fabric World.
In a shop, tape hangs on a hook because it has a hole in it.
So does your head, but it's not hanging on a hook.
If you borrow the tape, promise me you'll put it back where it belongs.
- Of course I will.
I always do.
- Do you now? - Yeah.
- Recognize this? Spiral ratchet screwdriver found under the sink this morning.
What was that all about? Well, the ice was all stuck together and I needed something to break it apart.
- You pounded ice with this? - Yeah.
It worked great.
Jill, this is a precision tool.
It's not an ice pick.
- Tim, don't be silly.
Give me the tape.
- No, no, no, no.
No.
How would you feel if I attacked your little opera-record collection and used Madame Butterfly for a Frisbee? - You don't touch my records.
- Right, because I respect your space.
That's your space, your zone.
This is my zone, my sacred territory, right here.
Oh.
So, uh, so this tool bench is like your altar? This is where I pray to the tool gods.
Oy-ee-ha-ha, ee-ee-ha Gosh, I am so moved, I think that I should sing a chorus of Amazing Wrench.
Don't do this.
Amazing wrench, how sweet the sound Do you hear the laughter, right here? Just just promise me you'll ask me if you wanna borrow a tool.
- OK, fine.
- I want you to swear.
- Oh, please.
- Come on.
Humor me.
- Tim.
- It'll help me emotionally if you do this.
- Come on.
Stand up.
- Stand up? Stand up.
Put your right arm up.
Put your left arm Put your left arm on the tool.
- The wrench? - The wrench.
Repeat after me: I, Jill I, Jill I, Jill, swear on this Binford cordless ratchet wrench swear on this blah-blah, blah-blah, blah-blah wrench - Binford cordless ratchet wrench - ratchet wrench that I will never touch my husband Tim Taylor's tool bench ever again.
Ever again.
- Touched it.
- Jill Touched it.
Touched it.
Touched it.
Can you feel the anger in this room right now? You have irritated the tool gods.
You must now be smeared with the holy grease of disdain.
Tim, don't you even think about it.
Tim.
Tim I'm no longer Tim.
I'm Zortheus, the Tool Avenger.
I am Zortheus.
Yah! Oh, no! Mark, honey, come on in here.
I have to wash you up for lunch.
Coming! - Mom? - Yeah? - Have you seen my sneakers? - Yes.
They're in the trash.
You can't throw those away! Honey, it wasn't my idea.
The sneakers begged me.
They did.
They Please, Mrs.
Taylor, let us go.
We're old.
We're tired.
We smell.
Mom, these are my favorites.
Please? OK.
Duct-tape them up.
Then you can have a month to say goodbye to 'em, and then it's a new pair.
- Thanks, Mom.
- OK.
Mark, honey, I thought you were helping your dad.
No.
Well, I know that he really likes it when you help him.
Maybe later.
I'm gonna go play with my truck.
Oh, OK.
Get your motor runnin' Head out on the highway Lookin' for adventure And whatever comes our way Yeah, darlin', gonna make Hey! Ho! So, what'd you do? Join Hell's Gardeners? Pretty cool, huh? All you need is a tattoo: "Born to mulch.
" Yeah! And, honey, you know what? You can be my lawn-mowin' momma.
You know, Tim, the only reason that you're doing all of this is 'cause your mother wouldn't let you have a motorcycle.
She never let me have a dog.
You don't see me out here rewiring a cocker spaniel, do you? - Where'd that go? - What? My torque wrench was right here.
You weren't out here this afternoon, were you? - Why? - I'm missing my torque wrench.
I don't even know what a torque wrench is.
You weren't cracking any ice today, were you? Oh, Tim, you don't crack ice with a wrench.
You crack ice with a screwdriver.
Cute, Jill.
It's gotta be in here someplace.
I swear I have not touched any of your tools since I took the oath this morning always to ask, always to return.
Well, somebody took it and didn't return it.
Whoever that somebody is is gonna be in big, big trouble.
- What's in this box? - The wrench is not in there.
That's stuff for the rummage sale.
There's nothing but junk in there.
Junk? This is that swivel-based cookbook holder I built you.
- Is it? - I thought you said you lost this.
Well, I guess you found it.
Great.
Look.
Look! It's that hairdryer I rewired for you.
Honey, I really loved it but it it melted all my hairbrushes.
Don't throw it out.
Use it for a space heater.
Tim, Tim, stop it.
Stop it.
Come on, honey, you'll turn the whole house upside down.
That wrench has gotta be around here someplace.
You know, it just didn't get up and walk away, Jill.
OK, you're right.
I'm ready to talk.
I sneak down here at night, take all your tools, go out to the backyard, put 'em in a big pile, and dance around 'em naked.
What time would that be? Sometime right after you go to sleep.
Tim? Do you want this on regular cycle or fluff? All right! My tool.
It's all busted up.
The gauge is missing, the dial's all bent.
- How'd that get in the dryer? - I'll give you three guesses.
You'll never take me alive.
Yah! Ow! Mark, why are you hiding back here? I'm not hiding.
- Yes, you are.
- What'd you do? You swear you won't tell Mom and Dad? Yeah, we swear.
Don't we, Brad? Yeah, we swear.
So, what'd you do? I broke Daddy's torque wrench.
Uh-Oh.
Whoa, that is bad.
Real bad.
He broke a tool - just like Peter.
Who's Peter? He's our little brother we used to have before you.
No! - He broke Dad's flashlight.
- What'd they do with him? They traded him in for you.
They did not.
Well, nice knowing ya.
Maybe this time we'll get a dog instead.
Brad, Randy, Mark, where are you? - What am I gonna do? - Keep hiding.
They can't trade you in if they can't find ya.
Now, don't get crazy.
Remember, it's just a tool.
Just a tool? - Were you looking for us? - Yeah.
Front and center.
Park it.
We're missing somebody.
Where's Mark? We haven't seen him.
Now, boys, your father has something that he wants to talk to you about calmly.
Which one of you lug nuts broke this torque wrench? Tim, easy.
Easy, easy, easy.
I didn't break it, you didn't break it.
Who's left? Butch and Sundance.
- Why are you always blaming us? - Because we're always guilty, aren't we? Some people think we're nice.
Really? Name one.
Billy's mom thinks we're perfect little gentlemen.
Billy's mom thought she saw Elvis yesterday at the gas station.
What do you know about the broken wrench? We think you should ask somebody else.
Yeah.
Someone short and seven.
Wait.
You're saying Mark had something to do with breaking my tool? Hey, we don't tattle on some brothers who happen to be hiding in the backyard like a coward.
Hey, hey, hey.
You're quite the climber there, little neighbor.
- Hi, Wilson.
- You playing hide-and-seek? - Just hide.
- Ah.
Anybody in particular you're hiding from? My dad.
Mark? Mark? - Promise you won't tell him I'm here? - Scout's honor.
Mark, where are you, son? Hi, Wilson.
I'm looking for Mark.
Have you seen him? Well, as the old saying goes, Tim: The acorn doesn't fall far from the tree.
Right, Wilson.
I'm looking for my son.
What I'm trying to say, Tim, is sometimes, to get what you want, you have to go out on a limb.
I don't have time for this, Wilson.
I'm looking for my boy.
- He didn't want me to tell you.
- What? He's up in the tree.
Tim, I think he's pretty unhappy.
If you haven't seen him, you haven't seen him.
Thanks.
Don't mention it, good neighbor.
Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark, Mark.
Sure gonna miss him.
Probably ran away.
Boy, he's the best darned assistant a dad could ever have.
I don't think I can finish that mower without him.
I don't think I'll be able to rewire anything ever again.
Boy, could that kid grunt.
No matter where you are, Mark, this one's for you.
- That tree just grunted at me.
- No, it didn't.
- Yes, it did.
I heard it.
- No, Daddy.
It's me.
Mark, what are you doing up in the tree? I did something bad.
You broke my tool, didn't you, Mark? It jumped right out of my hand.
It shouldn't have been in your hand, all right? I was just playing- We've been through this before - my tools are not your toys.
I'm sorry I broke your tool.
It was an accident.
Accidents happen.
It's not the end of the world.
But when you break something that's somebody else's, you gotta tell them.
Please don't trade me away, like you did Peter.
Peter? The son you traded in for me.
- What are you talking about? - The one who broke your flashlight.
Don't you even remember him? Where do you get ideas Let me guess.
Brad? Randy? Book it! Mark, you wanna listen to this good.
I would never trade you for anything.
- Really? - Really.
You know that tape measure that you could never find? Go ahead, tell me - you lost it.
No.
Brad and Randy broke it.
Good to have you back, son.
Honey, the moment we've been waiting for has finally arrived.
Tim, you know, it's October.
You really don't have to cut the grass now.
Honey, I'm not cutting the grass.
I'm just taking the Taylor 1600cc lawn chopper out for a test run.
Honey, couldn't we just call your mother and ask if it's OK if you have a motorcycle? Jill, don't worry.
I got a helmet, seat belt.
What could happen? - Come on, Dad.
- Hurry up.
All right, boys.
Prepare yourself for a new age in lawn maintenance.
I think we all remember it used to take Dad an hour, an hour and 20, to do the lawn.
With this bad boy - a minute and five.
I'll cut this thing so fast it'll be afraid to grow.
Honey, did you put hubcaps on the lawn mower? - Yeah! - Why did you do that? I don't know.
- Start the engine, Dad.
- Yeah, pop a wheelie.
Stand back.
I think this monster mowing machine is ready to come to life.
All right, boys, inside.
You can watch from the window.
Brad, come on.
Go, go, go, go.
- You can't watch from the pit area.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Gentlemen, start your engines.
Lawn ho! I-I'm all right! Now that we have the fitting in place between the two sections of pipe, - what's the next step? - Well, Tim, we'll be sweating the pipe.
- Will we? - That's right.
So we'll put a little deodorant right there in the elbow? I don't think so, Tim.
We do need heat for this project, and for that we use the Binford Burnblaster - Wanna grab the torch, AI? - Yeah.
Coming right up, Tim.
Torch, please, AI.
Uh, gimme a second, Tim.
AI? We're on the air, AI.
We need that torch.
I'm looking, I'm looking.
AI, it's a critical part of the show.
Thousands of viewers are waiting to see that thing.
I'm trying, dammit.
I'm only human.
Oh, relax.
Come on, AI Oh, look, it's right over here.
Folks, this is a demonstration.
Don't try this at home.
I I hid the torch from AI.
You what? - I, you know, didn't mean to panic you.
- You hid the torch? - To make a point.
- And what point would that be, Tim? Well, you should always know where your tools are.
'Cause otherwise you could get pretty irritated, like you seem to be.
Go ahead, light the torch, AI.