Home Improvement s06e14 Episode Script

Nippy out here for a barbecue, isn't it, Wilson? Well, my cousins and their friends are in town on business.
I'm making veggie burgers since they didn't care for my Armadillo Cacciatore.
Your cousins are here? I'd sure like to meet them.
Are they anything like you? No, no, no, no, no, no.
They're oddballs.
Hey, Wilson, how are those veggie burgers coming? Yeah, I'm starving, cuz.
Tim Taylor.
Uh, Tim, these are my cousins.
This is Mike Love and Carl Wilson.
Th these are The Beach Boys.
He never said he was related to you guys.
I never tell anybody.
Otherwise, I'd be hounded - for concert tickets and autographs.
- I know the feeling! I'm a celebrity too! Tool Time.
Host.
Ha! Hey, any sign of a burger? - These are the rest of The Beach Boys.
- Yeah! This is Bruce Johnston, and Al and Matt Jardine.
Nice to see you guys.
This is just unbelievable.
Wow! I mean, The Beach Boys right Could I ask you a little favor? Hey, say no more.
Two, three, four # Little surfer # Little one # Made my heart # Come all undone # Do you love me? - # Do you, surfer # - That's a good song, you know.
But I was kinda hoping You know, I I really like that.
But I was hoping you could do one of your great car songs.
Uh, like Little G.
T.
O.
? That wasn't our song.
No.
I mean Little Old Lady from Pasadena.
That was Jan and Dean.
Um Hey Little Cobra! Sorry.
Rip Chords.
The only one I know is Little Deuce Coupe.
You didn't do that.
Actually, we did.
Well and it was great.
It would've been if they'd used my lyrics.
- Let's not start that argument again.
- Whew! Come on.
Give it up.
Hey.
I'll show you my hot rod if you'll sing a little of Little Deuce Coupe.
- What kind of car do you have? - '46 Ford convertible.
- Yeah.
- All-metal body.
- Whoa - Tricked-out flathead.
- Cool! - Three carburetors.
Three?! One, two, three # Little deuce coupe You don't know what I got # Well, I'm not braggin', babe So don't put me down # I've got the fastest set of wheels in town # When something comes up to me he don't even try # 'Cause if I had a set of wings I know she could fly # She's my little deuce coupe You don't know what I # My little deuce coupe You don't know what I got # Hey! Ah, Dad.
I'm getting together with Lauren.
What do you think? Vest? Or no vest? Well no vest says casual and cool.
Vest says you might be trying to impress her.
You're a little desperate.
Got it.
Go with the vest.
- Where are you and Lauren going? - To the mall.
I need new shoes, and Lauren said she wanted to go shopping.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! What does "Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa" mean? When a girl wants to help you buy shoes, it means she wants to be more than just friends.
Really? Yeah.
Here's how it goes.
Candy store, friends.
Shoe store, more than friends.
Jewelry store, run for your life.
Don't worry.
We're nowhere near jewelry store.
Trust me, one day you'll say the magic words: "It looks kind of like gold, doesn't it, honey?" - Hey.
- Hey.
Hi, Randy.
I just spoke to Mrs.
Blanchard and she's gonna run our article on page one of Thursday's paper.
- All right! Our first front-page story.
- Isn't this great? Yeah.
- Oh! Hey, Mr.
Taylor.
- Hello, Lauren.
How are you? Good.
So how's the hot rod coming along? Really good.
Starting the hydraulics on the convertible top.
Great.
Did you remember to bleed the system? Never have to remind my dad to bleed.
- Hi, sweetie.
- Hi.
Mmm.
You should've seen Mark at his lesson today.
He was awesome.
- Sure was.
- Well, that's my boy.
I told you, you worked hard, big things are gonna happen.
You know, and it'll help you with future things down the line.
You don't have any idea what we're talking about, do you? Not a clue.
- I was at karate, Dad.
- Yeah! Yeah.
Well, you work hard at that and end up You get a high-paying job in the karate industry.
See you.
We're going to the mall to get shoes.
Oh, good.
Listen, I need to get a pair for Mark.
- I'd do it, but I'm swamped.
- Come on.
Lauren and I don't want Mark hanging out with us.
Hey, come on, Randy.
It's OK.
It's no big deal.
On the other hand, Mark can be fun.
Come on, buddy.
Let's go, Mark.
- Bye, Mrs.
Taylor.
- Bye.
OK.
So I gotta practice for my thing tonight.
Well, get upstairs and work hard on that thing.
It'll pay off.
Not a clue.
Hiyah! - I like the tan.
What do you think? - I like the tan.
Why don't you go pick out something in the Buster Brown section.
I don't know.
I kind of like them in black.
- Black it is.
I'll get them.
- Wait a second.
I haven't decided.
Like the guy's opinion matters.
Well, I better go.
I promised my parents I'd be home by five.
- It was kind of fun hanging out.
- Yeah, it was.
Maybe next time you can help me pick out some earrings at the jewelry store.
The jewelry store.
Yeah.
I thought we'd pick out a lot more shoes first.
- Right.
Bye.
- See ya.
OK.
Hey! You just stepped on my new shoes! Oh, sorry.
No, see, I don't like it when people step on my shoes.
Well, me either.
Which is why I feel your pain.
- Pain - What is that, a joke? Well, not if you don't want it to be.
Well, how would you like it if someone stepped on your shoes? - Ow! - Hey, leave him alone! - Who's this, your bodyguard? - Back off.
I can handle this guy.
Oh, yeah? Well, handle this.
Ow! I got him.
Uh-oh, he's coming back.
What do we do? I don't know.
That's as far as we got in karate class.
The bad news? Wilson's actually mad at his cousins because they never let him write lyrics for the band.
Good news? I got the autographed picture of The Beach Boys.
Oh, right.
"Dear Jill, you're married to a great man, and you don't need any more jewelry?" I didn't say a word.
That was so cool in the shoe store.
It was like I was somebody else.
And yet all those other times when we wanted you to be someone else, nothing.
- Mark, did you get some shoes? - No.
But I did save Randy's life.
What are you talking about? What happened? Don't worry.
Nobody got hurt.
Some jerk in the shoe store pushed me.
And then I used my karate to knock him down.
- Great! - No, it isn't.
No, it isn't.
Mark, we don't let you take karate so you can use it.
Then why am I taking it? You'll have the confidence of knowing you can defend yourself.
But you shouldn't because you shouldn't get into a situation where you have to.
It's not like he came up behind somebody.
- He was defending Randy.
- He should've done what I've told him to do in this situation.
- And what's that? - Find an adult.
- And what if there isn't one around? - Run away.
Run away? Forget karate.
Next year you're taking track.
Hey, Taylor.
We need some new loafers.
We're kind of afraid to go to the mall.
- Think your little brother can come? - Yeah.
Hey, Brad.
Chad and Kevin found out about what happened at the mall.
I mean, how did they know? It's not like it's in the school paper.
Alan Bishop's column.
"The other day at the mall, I spied freshman Randy Taylor shaking in his boots.
Senior Eric Zumbrum was threatening Taylor when he was saved by his little brother, name unknown.
" Oh, man, Lauren's reading the article.
So, what are you gonna do? I don't know.
I need a quiet place to reflect on the matter.
"And then like a simpering coward, Randy Taylor ran off with his tail between his legs.
" This is awful.
I mean, half the school must be making fun of him.
Half would be a conservative estimate.
- Hi.
- Well, honey, we saw the paper.
There is nothing for you to be ashamed of.
You did nothing wrong.
Even if you are, you shouldn't be because there's no shame in being ashamed.
Huh? Look, guys, don't worry about it.
You know, it's no big deal.
I was upset at first, but I realized stuff happens.
You just gotta move on.
I can't believe you don't care that everybody thinks you're a wimp.
He's not a wimp.
You know, he just feels good enough about himself, he doesn't worry about what others think.
That's right.
I wish I were as mature as he was at that age.
Or at this age.
I'm really proud of you, Randy.
Guys, can you go wash up for dinner? So you really aren't mad about Alan Bishop's column? Well, not anymore.
You know, I met him after school and I told him I didn't care for his journalistic style.
Then his nose started to bleed.
Why? Because that's where my fist happened to land.
All right! Oh, Al.
I almost forgot.
Got that autographed picture of The Beach Boys for your mom.
Oh, wow! Thank you.
She will be so appreciative.
Uh "To Al's mom.
Our biggest fan by a wide margin.
" Did you tell them that my mother was weight-challenged? No.
I just told them what to write.
Well, I can't put this on her wall now! Well, put it on the floor.
She'll never see it.
Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor! Woo-hoo! - She's losing weight.
- I know she's losing weight.
I'm just joking about this Hi, everybody.
Hello, studio audience.
Welcome to Tool Time.
I am Tim "The Tool Man" Taylor.
Of course, you all know my assistant, Al Borland.
- We have a great show for you today.
- That's right.
We're gonna be showing you some tools being created down at Binford's research and development lab.
By scientists who work around the clock, ignoring both time and personal hygiene.
Let's give a warm Tool Time welcome to Binford's own A.
J.
Sanderson! A.
J.
You haven't been down here in a while.
You're looking good.
- That hygiene joke was a joke.
- I know that, Tim.
You know, the thing about us is we both have a great sense of humor.
Now, you laugh, but I'm not kidding.
A.
J.
has the best sense of humor of anyone down at R&D.
I'll tell you that.
What can I say? It's a gift.
All right.
Why don't you show us a bit about these tools you're developing? There is nothing more cutting-edge than the new Binford air-powered scissors.
They operate on 80 PSl of compressed air which allows the blades to close with 70 pounds of force.
Seventy pounds? That means you could cut through fiberglass.
You can cut through carpeting.
Even sheet metal.
These'd be good.
Next time you lose the keys to your lunch box, you won't have to bite through it.
Also brand new is our laser tape measure, our laser levels and our combination laser shrimp de-veiner and nose-hair clipper.
Nyah! You know, my mother's birthday is coming up soon.
You guys are doing a lot with lasers.
Any truth to the rumor about a laser toilet? We're keeping a tight lid on that one.
But I can show you something that is still in the experimental stages.
A high-powered laser tree pruner.
Are you saying you can cut a tree limb with a laser beam? That's right.
Adjustable.
That's nice.
I see you got a laser fixed up here.
Now, how does it operate? I just point it to the tree limb and say "timber?" Press that button.
You won't see the beam.
Be careful where you aim it.
All right.
So Hey, Lauren.
I've been looking all over for you.
So did you hear what I did to Alan Bishop? - Yeah, I heard.
- Pretty cool, huh? Well, that depends on your definition of "cool.
" Well, I guess I should have asked you this before, but what is your definition of "cool?" Well, it's not somebody who goes out and punches some guy just to prove how tough he is.
Well, it wasn't really a punch.
You know, I mean, it was more of a tap.
A nudge, really.
Randy, why would you do something like that? Well, I saw you and your friends reading the paper and laughing at me.
I just didn't want you to think I was a wimp.
Randy, we weren't laughing at Alan Bishop's stupid column.
We were laughing at a funny line you wrote in our article.
So then you never thought I was a wimp? No, but now I think you're a jerk.
Wilson.
Wilson! Hidy-ho, neighbor.
Wilson, man, what a cool flute! You mind if I play it? No.
I would appreciate it if you would keep your hands off my shakuhachi.
Man, am I glad we only get together with you once a year! Got kind of mad at that Beach Boy, didn't you? Wilson, you gotta let this lyric thing go.
Well, I just don't understand.
Would it have been so horrible for them to have recorded one of my verses? Why is this so important to you? I just always thought I had a flair for writing.
- You do.
You wrote a book.
- Yes, I did.
The Psycho-Physiological Indices of Amorous Connections Among Termites of the Southwest.
And it's a great book.
I'm halfway through the title already.
Well, Tim, my book sold four copies.
Fun, Fun, Fun sold four million.
Well, I think it's a fact of life people would rather have fun than termites.
The two are not mutually exclusive.
Hold on a second.
Let me ask you a question here.
What if one of your cousins had come to you with suggestions - about things to put in your book? - Well, don't be ridiculous.
Why would I go to The Beach Boys for their views on entomology? Ahhh.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
And why would they come to me about writing surfer songs? Uh, mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
Mm-hm.
If I'm gonna write songs, I should just write about things I know like termites.
- There you go! - Mm-hm.
Wood Vibrations.
Wood-n't It Be Nice.
- Help Me, Rodent.
- Ah.
Hey, great news! I gave Wilson some advice.
I think he may patch things up with The Beach Boys.
Great.
Maybe your advice could help me with Lauren.
All right.
Here it is.
If all you know is termites, don't go surfing in Kokomo.
Perhaps that doesn't apply here.
Well, what happened? Lauren's mad at me 'cause I punched out Alan Bishop.
- You hit somebody? - Well, it didn't start out that way.
- How did it start out? - I asked him to print a retraction.
He started laughing and pushing me.
I shoved him back.
And the next thing I know, the kid's bleeding from his nose.
You gave him a bloody nose? Well, I gotta call his parents now.
No, Dad, come on! I already apologized.
This isn't like you.
You're smarter than this.
Fights? - What's this all about? - Dad, I know.
There were a bunch of kids around and I didn't want it to get back to Lauren that I was a wimp.
Well, roughing up somebody is no way to impress a girl.
It didn't impress Lauren.
Let's face it, Dad.
I know nothing about women.
Well, join the club.
All I know about women is I've been ticking them off for years.
Well, I didn't even get started with Lauren and now it's over.
No, no, no, no, no, no.
Another thing I know about women is that they'll give you another chance.
Come on, your mom's given me 10,000.
I know what I should do.
I should go to Lauren and just beg.
No! You're only 14 years old.
If you start begging now, you'll have nothing to look forward to.
"Real Men Don't Hit.
By Randy Taylor.
Real men don't hit.
They roll with the punches.
" "In a moment of humiliation, I lashed out and struck my fellow man.
But now I realize that violence is not the answer.
" This is great, Randy.
She's gonna think you really mean this.
- Dad, I do.
- Even better.
"I learned the error of my ways from the wisdom of my father " Much better.
" a man who's humiliated himself more than any human being on the planet.
" - Say cheese.
- Cheese.
- All right.
- Hi, Wilson.
Hi, Beach Boys.
Hidy-ho.
Um, guys, I hope you don't mind, but I was kinda thinking that - Want us to sing a song? - Not just that.
- I'd like to sing with you.
- OK.
So, you want to? I'd like to pick the song.
Barbara Ann? - Anything else? - Key of G.
Oh.
OK.
Ahem.
# Ba ba ba ba Barbara Ann # You've got me rockin' and a-rollin' Rockin' and a-reelin', Barbara Ann # Ba ba ba ba Barbara Ann - # Went to a dance - # Went to a dance - # Looking for romance - # Looking for romance - # Saw Barbara Ann - # Saw Barbara Ann - # So I thought I'd take a chance - # So I thought I'd take a chance - # Barbara Ann - # Take my hand # You got me rockin' and a-rollin' Rockin' and a reelin', Barbara Ann # Ba ba ba ba Barbara Ann #