Joey s01e18 Episode Script

You're probably wondering why I'm getting a gift basket.
Not really.
I was nominated for a Daytime Soap Award again.
That's great.
You're right, it is weird, you know? 'Cause now I'm on primetime, but I'm nominated for my work on Days of Our Lives.
I'm up for "Best Death Scene".
Can I go? I wish I could take you, but seating's limited.
Oh, it takes it out of you, but you got to do it for the fans.
Oh, uh, Gina, I meant to tell you, I get to bring a guest to the awards show, and I thought it'd be nice if I took my sister.
Really? You don't wanna bring a date? Nah.
I could bring a nice girl, but I'd rather bring you.
I know exactly what to wear.
I got this new outfit, the top is just suspenders.
No, no, no, no.
Gina, this is a big night for me.
I'm up for an award.
You know, maybe you can dress up.
People will be in fancy gowns.
I have a very special gown.
It requires four "C" batteries.
I haven't seen it, but maybe that's not the one.
If you want, I can loan you a dress.
No, I have one that my husband always says would look great on you.
Is that weird? Okay, I'll do it.
I could still be dirty on the inside.
That's the spirit! So, who's the basket from? Oh, uh "Alex, Gina and Michael.
" Aw That's three names on a pretty small basket.
- Hey.
- Hey.
They just sent me a copy of the clip they're going to play at the awards show.
- You want to see it? - Sure.
All right, let me set the scene up for you.
Um It's been a while since I've seen it.
Let's just watch.
Forceps.
Retractor.
Scalpel.
Morgan, why? Because the man you're operating on is my husband.
I need 20 cc's of betrayal.
Well, that's, uh I'm not sure what to say.
Then I'll say it.
Wow! Yeah.
I'll see you later.
Where you going? I got to get to the gym.
I want to get a workout in before the awards show.
You know, do a little run and maybe some pushups.
How many pushups are you going to do? I don't know.
50.
Is that with or without your skirt on? Are you trash-talking me? Me? No.
for someone without a "Y" chromosome.
Seriously, it's not clear what you're doing.
I just want to be sure before I hit you.
No, I'm just saying I could do at least a hundred pushups, man.
I'm doing 50 in a row, not over the course of my lifetime.
Okay.
All right, big guy.
I didn't want to make you feel bad, okay? But watch this.
One, two, three, four, five, six, seven, eight, nine, ten, What the hell are you doing?! Oh, you jealous, buddy? It doesn't stop there.
27, 28, 29, 30 Let me guess.
Let me guess.
Your mom showed you how to do a pushup, didn't she? Yeah, that's right, bitch! That's not how man do pushups, okay? When you do a real pushup, your knees are off the ground and you're holding yourself up by your hands and your toes.
Okay, that's physically impossible.
It's not that hard.
Just try it.
Okay, all right.
You know what? I should be able to do a bunch of these.
Okay, that's very funny, Joey.
Get your foot off my back.
- Hey.
- Hey.
Wow, you look so nice.
I just want to tell you good luck tonight.
If you win, are you going to thank me? Not by name, no, but I am going to thank a certain special lady to cover all my bases.
And if you want to think that that applies to you, you go right ahead.
- Is that your speech? - No, no.
I'm presenting best supporting actress.
I just got the list of nominees and I'm having trouble with this one name.
How do you say this? I think it's Mariska Cechritapovich.
I think we have a problem.
Okay, I'm coming in, but I don't want anyone to laugh at me.
Oh, my God, Gina! You look beautiful.
Shut up.
- I look ridiculous.
- No, no.
You look great.
I don't know if I can do this.
She looks so uncomfortable.
Oh, I know that look.
She's wearing underwear.
All right, Joey.
I'll admit it.
I did kind of embarrass myself before with the pushups, but I do have great upper body strength.
Watch me do a chin-up.
Oh, my God, Mom, look at you.
No cleavage.
Where are you going keep you car keys and your flask? I have to carry a handbag.
Okay, so, Joey, um, how many chin-ups can you do? I don't know.
Ten, 20.
Is that the number of boobs you have 'cause you're a girl? Is that supposed to be trash talk? It makes me sad.
Because there's something I'd like to show you.
You see, I happen to be very good at doing chin-ups, so prepare to be impressed.
Mom, do my legs.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, yes! I'm feeling strong today! What's the matter, Joey? Too shocked to count out loud? What's that? Go job, ho'.
It's all you, Michael.
All right, Mister Tribbiani.
I'll come get you when it's time to present.
Please, allow me, ma'am.
Ma'am? Thank you, your Honor.
Wow, it's weird to be back with this crowd.
I know a lot of these people from Days of Our Lives.
Hey, Paul.
How's the soap world treating you? "Soap worl, huh?" Guess you think you're a big man now because you've moved on to primetime? Guess you think you're better than me? I hadn't really thought about it, but yeah, I do a little bit.
Good seeing you, buddy.
Ooh, hot girl, two o'clock.
No, no, no.
That's one of the women in the category I'm presenting.
I cannot get her name right.
How do you say this? "Nomn ominees.
" That's not what I was asking and it took you way too long.
Hey, you're Joey Tribbiani, right? I'm Mariska.
Oh, nice to meet you.
Yeah, this is my sister Gina.
Hey, nice dress.
Oh, yeah? Nice face! Gina, she was complimenting you.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Uh, thank you, dear.
If you'll excuse me, I'm going to go get a drink.
Say, that last name of yours is pretty tough.
- How do you pronounce it? - Cechritapovich.
It's simple.
It's starts with a soft "C" and the "CH" is pronounced like a hard "K," and the accent's on "PO," the fourth syllable.
Oh Catocrouchipo.
Okay, Mr.
Tribbiani, you're on in ten seconds.
Okay, wait real quick.
How do you say this name? Oh, here's the way to remember: the first name's Mariska, like Mariska Hargitay, the second's Cechritapovich, like Magkena Cechritapovich, the Chechnyan tennis player.
- What? - You're on.
Now presenting for best supporting actress in a daytime drama and nominee himself tonight, Joey Tribbiani.
When I played Dr.
Drake Ramoray, I had a lot of patients.
These nominees tonight also have a lot patience in waiting for their award.
That's solid, yeah.
And now the nominees: from Passions, Kimberly Evans.
From One Life To Live, Cheri Teasdale.
And from General Hospital, Mariska Cechritapovich.
Yes! Mariska Cechritapovich.
Oh, my God! Oh, my God! I won! No, no, no, no, no.
Well, maybe.
No.
No, no! Oh, my gosh, I don't know who to thank.
I mean, I didn't prepare a speech.
I such a long shot.
Can I talk to you for a second? Grandma, I know you're up there watching and you said I could do it and you were right.
Thank you.
This means so much to me.
Mostly because I was nominated with two brilliant actresses who deserve this so much more than I do.
Especially Kimbey Evans of Passions.
I'm so excited.
I mean, I can't believe I won.
This is amazing.
Although, you did slightly mispronounce my name.
Must've been close.
You ran up there pretty damn quick.
Congrats, Mariska.
Joey, can I talk to you for a second? What happened out there? You said the wrong name.
Um no, I didn't.
Yes, you did.
I know the names of all the winners.
Really? Come on, is the J-man bringing home the hardware? This is a serious problem.
I know.
I'm sorry, but can't we just announce I made a mistake and give the real winner the award? Are you crazy? That would call into question the credibility of the show.
Every award would be suspect.
"Sexiest Couple.
" "Best Smile.
" "Favorite Ghost.
" "Least Favorite Ghost.
" But I feel so bad for Kimberly Evans.
Look! I know people, and if you say anything, I'll have you banned from every awards show on TBS.
Hey, Kimberly Evans? Hi, I'm Joey Tribbiani.
I'm sorry you didn't win before.
Are you okay? I've been better.
Oh.
Well, it's probably not about the award.
Maybe you have a disease? I never should've gotten my hopes up, but it makes sense that Mariska won.
After all, I only studied at Julliard, and she was the loose one on Real World: Seattle.
Uh, hey, look at it this way- there's always next year, huh? I don't think so.
My character died.
Of natural causes.
That felt good.
Oh.
Yeah, but you'll probably have lots of other opportunities.
Sure.
I'm a 51-year-old actress in Hollywood.
The doors are flying wide open for me.
My agent submitted me for a lifeguard on an Ashton Kutcher movie and I've got a really good feeling.
Kimberly, I'm so sorry you didn't win.
Oh, please.
I guess I'm just not good enough.
Oh, no, you are good.
You don't need some trophy to tell you that.
It's not about the trophy.
It's what it represents.
What do you mean? It would have been an opportunity for me to stand in front of my peers and finally be recognized for 25 years of hard work and sacrifice.
That's why I'm upset.
Would it, uh would it help if we made out? - No.
- Fair enough.
Wow.
That is a beautiful gown.
You like my dress? What's not to like? Rhinestones, Spandex, that chain that starts there, ends there? Awesome.
Can I just say something? I don't get chicks like you.
I mean, you got this great body.
Why do you want to hide it? I dressed like this 'cause my brother wanted me to.
- Who's he? - Joey Tribbiani.
The actor? Oh, I would so do him.
Oh, thank you.
Oh, where are my manners? I'm sure I'd do your brother, too.
Just so you know, if Joey wins his award tonight, he's gonna thank a "certain special lady.
" That's me.
- I just did one.
- No, you didn't.
I can't do it.
I can't do it.
I'm not a man.
Don't feel bad.
These things are impossible.
I don't know how anyone ever Wow, look at that.
Hey, I'm pretty good at this.
I mean, oh, it's so hard.
This is so humiliating.
Why can't I just do it? The only reason I can do it is because I weigh less.
You're a man.
You're big and strong.
Are those your bones? You feel elderly.
Hey, there you are.
The producer was looking for you.
They're gonna announce your award in, like, 15 minutes.
I can't think about that right now.
I feel too guilty.
Wah-wah-wah-wah-wah.
Well, you can change the outfit, but you're still the same old pain in the ass.
I just wish there was something I could do to fix this.
Well, maybe you could convince Mariska to give up her award.
How am I gonna do that? Come on.
You're good with women.
Use your charm.
Yeah, you're right.
Maybe I'll win her over with some witty conversation.
What? I'm just kidding.
I'm gonna hit her with my sex ray.
Hey, there's my good luck charm.
Hey, Mariska, can I talk to you for a second? Whoa, chief.
I'm in the middle of a conversation here.
Or do you think I should just walk away because you're on a big-time show? That'd be great.
Thanks, buddy.
Uh Look, I don't know about you, but when we were up on that stage together, I felt a real connection.
Now, we could play a lot of games, but I'm not about that.
So let me just put this out there.
We owe it to ourselves as two beautiful people to seize this moment.
So let me ask you- You want to do something wild, something crazy, something you'll never forget? Yes.
Yes, I do.
Give your award to Kimberly Evans.
What? That would be so hot.
What are you talking about? Okay.
Look.
I said the wrong me up there before.
You didn't really win.
Oh, my God, I didn't win? No.
- So - Not so fast.
Everyone thinks I won this award, and that's not gonna change.
What do you mean? If you tell anyone what happened, I'm gonna tell them you said my name on purpose because you want to sleep with me.
That's blackmail.
That's right.
You don't work on a soap opera without picking up a few things.
Well, I picked up a few things, too.
If you don't give that back, I'm not gonna operate on your husband.
- What?! - I got nothing! I am gonna get a drink.
Do you like tequila? Do I? You are like a sister.
When I first saw you, I had no idea you were gonna be this much fun.
Well, it's funny the way people judge.
Tonight I dress like this for once and people think I'm all fancy, but if I'd dressed the way I normally do, people would think we were prostitutes.
The lesson is, don't judge people by the way they dress.
Actually, I am a prostitute.
Well, then the lesson is, maybe I should dress different.
Hey.
How you doing, honey? I'm okay.
It's been kind of a rough night, you know.
I said the wrong name up there.
Sex ray's on t hefritz.
Ladies and gentlemen, please take your seats.
We're back from commercial in 30 seconds.
I just wanted to thank you for being so nice to me earlier, but I have to get home now so I can catch my 16-year-old smoking weed in the basement.
Hey, hey.
Please, sit.
Ladies and gentleman, from General Hospital, Jack Wilson.
Nominees for "Best Death Scene" are from One Life to Live, Gerard St.
Clair.
From Passions, Mitch O'Leary, and from Days of Our Lives, Joey Tribbiani.
Good luck.
I hope you win.
No.
I told you before.
It doesn't matter what they think.
And the winner is Joey Tribbiani.
Hey Oh, my God, I can't believe I won this, and against some big competition.
Gerard eaten by wolves.
Bravo.
And Mitch, you were smothered by a pillow, but great leg acting.
And also, there's a certain special someone out there I would like to thank.
You know who you are.
It's just so amazing to be up here, finally getting recognized for my work.
It really, really does feel good.
Uh But, you know, there's, there's there's someone here who really deserved an award tonight and didn't get one.
So, I'd like to give this trophy to Kimberly Evans.
Kimberly, come on up here.
What? Let's clap her up here, everybody.
Come on.
Wow.
That's more applause than I got.
This is in recognition of a career full of wonderful performances.
You are truly loved.
This belongs to you.
I don't know what to say.
To be standing up here in front of all you beautiful people.
So many friends, so many memories.
It's just wonderful, and what a generous gesture from Joey Tribbiani.
No, no, no, no, no.
This isn't about me.
This is about you.
Come on, everybody.
You know her.
You love her.
Let's give it up one more time for Mariska Cechritapovich, huh? Hey! Hey, Josephine! What? Okay, so I may not have been able to do a chin-up or a push-up, but I just beat Alex at arm wrestling.
Unimpressive and yet I doubt it.
Okay, I'll prove it to you.
Let's go! Fine.
You ready? One, two, three, go! Nice playing ith ouy, ma'am!