Joey s02e12 Episode Script

I am gonna love this.
- Hey.
- Hey, Alex.
So are we all ready to pick names for Secret Santa? - Yeah.
We're just waiting for Howard.
- Okay.
Hey, listen.
Promise if you get Joey's name for Secret Santa, you'll give it to me? What? You'll get him the perfect gift and he'll realize: "Oh, my God, I was supposed to be with Alex all along"? There would also be a makeover montage, but that's the basic idea.
- Hey.
- All right, Howard.
Okay, the names are all ready for the Secret Santa.
And since I did all the preparation, I'll just go first.
Oh, okay.
This looks like somebody it might be fun to get a present for.
Well, what I want more than anything is a white Christmas.
Just a blanket of snow on the ground, you know.
And you can go bobsledding have snowball fights - Joey, we're in L.
A.
Are we just saying obvious things now? It's Wednesday.
No, it's not.
Hey, give me that.
Cheater.
I wonder whose name you put on the red piece of paper? Damn it.
It was the perfect crime.
I should have never left you alive.
What? I get Joey.
You take mine.
No, not him.
He doesn't deserve a gift.
I hate him.
Jeez.
Did you have Michael or Zach? I had Howard.
This is the life, huh? When you move next door to me, we can do this every day.
Hang out, smoke cigars, drink beers.
Just be guys, huh? Can you open this for me? I just moisturized.
Alex, we need another one opened up.
For God's sake.
Jeez.
Thank you.
I hope this isn't too forward, but it just got a lot prettier out here.
I'm not making you any more sandwiches.
We'll see.
- Hey, guys.
- What are you doing here? - I thought you were with Abby? - Yeah, we got into this big talk about where our relationship is going.
- Oh, the talk.
- What'd you tell her? - Well, I said I didn't know.
And now we're taking time off until I can figure out what I want.
We broke up, I guess.
You know what? You did the right thing.
What are you gonna do? Move in together? Get engaged? You don't want that.
Oh, really? Why? Because then he might be in a committed relationship? Well, don't say it in that scary voice.
I'm just saying you don't wanna jump into anything you'll regret, okay? Abby was, like, your first real girlfriend, ever.
Yeah, but I also hated being single.
I was terrible at it.
Yeah, but you're a changed man now, Michael.
Once one girl gives you the stamp of approval, other girls can sense it.
Women have a part of the brain that we don't.
It's called the fibullon.
That is very not true.
Michael, being single is great, okay? You can say: "Tonight, I'm gonna pick up and go to Tijuana.
" And you just do it.
- I never did that when I was single.
- That is my fault.
I am your uncle.
It is my job to teach you about life, huh? Okay, so tonight, we're gonna go to Tijuana.
Guys' road trip.
The men are going to Mexico.
- Alex.
- Alex.
- Michael, come on, let's go.
- This is gonna be awesome.
México, baby.
- All right, let's go.
- All right, huh? Zach knows all the cool hot spots to hit.
We are gonna get so many women.
Alex, you speak Spanish.
How do you say, "How you doing?" Yo tengo herpes.
Yo tengo herpes.
Got it.
Hey, guys, listen, I'm sorry.
I forgot I have plans tonight.
But I wanted to drop off this map of Tijuana with some of my favorite entertainment venues.
Like, right here, this is a great family-owned restaurant where they hand-make the most delicious tamales.
It's also a whorehouse.
Have fun.
Michael, I wanna make sure you have money.
You want me to bring back Mexican diet pills.
Yeah, the big yellow ones.
They make me feel crazy.
You know, I'm one of the investors in this new club, Axis.
We're having a party and I thought you'd like to bring that body of yours.
Oh, God.
I'm sorry, but why are you always hitting on me? And why do you think I would like that? I'm Dean.
I'm awesome.
How old are you? I'm 51.
How much do you weigh? Hey, you asked me a personal question.
What are you, like a buck-15? That is none of your business.
And I will have you know that after a bout with the flu last week I was 108.
Guys like you make me sick.
Oh, really? What kind of guy am I? You're the kind that thinks that never growing up is cute instead of just pathetic.
You're the kind who thinks every guy around him has to act like a childish jackass so you can make yourself feel better about your own selfish, pointless, ridi Oh, my God.
What are you doing? I don't know.
That's the way I usually deal with pretty girls who got the yaps.
- Unbelievable.
- Wait, wait, look, look.
You're just this beautiful young woman.
You should be out there breaking hearts, acting crazy, having fun.
Instead of being so uptight and attacking me and Joey for living a little.
I have fun.
I power walk.
I'm just saying, you're so sure you're right and we're pathetic.
But maybe, maybe, it's the other way around.
Well, maybe, maybe you're a jerk.
I got a better comeback for Okay, he left.
That's good.
Yeah.
That place was interesting.
That was the first strip club I've been to where you had to pay to get out.
Here's an idea.
Why don't you two just shut up? What is wrong with you? Oh, when I first start drinking, I get belligerent.
But around my seventh drink, it's all "I love you, man" and bear hugs.
Then I black out, enter what I like to call The Mystery Zone.
The Mystery Zone.
Very dangerous place, Michael, filled with ugly women and delicious hot dogs.
Come on, guys, I need a drink.
- Okay.
- Must be brave.
Three drinks.
Yeah.
Isn't this great, Michael? - Look at all these girls, huh? - Yeah.
- I really shouldn't drink because if I - In you go.
- Okay.
- All right.
Hey, hey.
Nice.
There's your first victim.
Go hit on her.
Look, Joe, I'm never gonna pick up a girl at a bar.
You know, I was better off with Abby.
The only reason you're thinking about Abby is because you're afraid.
You know what you should be afraid of? Committing to someone too soon.
Next thing you know, you're on a one-way train to Marriageville, huh? And the train is dropping off so many miserable husbands and wives before you know it, there's so many people in Marriageville they have to build an airport.
Then no one's taking the train anymore and the train station becomes defunct.
What the hell is in this? You know what? Okay, I'm gonna try it just once just to shut you guys up, okay? - Go do it, go guy.
Hi.
Hey, I'm Michael.
- Elisa.
- Elisa.
You're very pretty.
Yeah, your body looks just like my mom's.
Wait, that's a compliment.
Because my mom has an amazing body.
Looks like he's doing well.
I think he just said something about her body.
This one time I saw her from behind, I didn't know it was her I had some thoughts.
But that's for me and Dr.
Porter to work out so: What am I talking about? Why haven't you stopped me yet? You don't speak English? She doesn't speak English.
She doesn't speak English.
Michael might actually have a chance.
There'll be no flights into Marriageville this evening due to heavy weather.
Please be patient, you will receive a meal voucher.
I love this stuff.
Hey, you know Joey's neighbor Dean and his whole lame, oversexed Peter Pan act? This afternoon, he had the nerve to tell me that I'm the one with the problem.
That I don't know how to have fun.
I mean, that's crazy.
Would someone who doesn't know how to have fun be able to do this? Dean may have a point.
Oh, God.
I know.
He's right.
I don't know what happened to me.
I used to be fun in college.
I used to go out every night, partying.
I was in a less-successful precursor to Girls Gone Wild.
What's stopping you now? You're a sexy, single gal.
You should be out having fun, meeting guys.
Yeah, I guess it's just because I'm so hung up on Joey.
Oh, enough of that.
Come on.
They get to go off to Tijuana, we are going out tonight.
And I know what we're gonna do.
Have you ever wrestled another woman for prizes? Okay, I do want to go out tonight.
And that sounds neat.
- But Dean mentioned a party, so - Okay, we'll go there then.
And we are going nuts tonight.
It's gonna be better than any Tijuana trip.
Yeah, those guys are probably just sitting around the hotel right now.
Joey, Joey, Joey! Joey, Joey, Joey! Joey, Joey, Joey! Joey! Yeah! - Hey, Alex.
- Hey.
I'm really glad you came.
You look amazing.
Drop by my table later.
I think he's into you.
That guy doesn't know how to be into someone.
He's a pig.
All I know is he didn't even look at me.
- Nice.
- Thank you.
Okay, so should we find a place to sit and people watch? What? I thought you were gonna cut loose tonight.
Oh, yeah.
What would college Alex do right now? Champagne? Actually, I think I'll take a beer from your six-pack.
And recycle that.
Now dance for me, you dirty whore.
Yeah.
Was that too far? - No.
- Okay.
Joey, wake up.
Joey, Joey.
Hands off me, I'm an American.
Oh, it's you.
Are we still in Mexico? I don't remember a thing.
Well, well, well.
Good morning.
Whoa, hey, what's the matter with you? I don't get hangovers.
It's my most irritating quality.
Who's in the mood for scrambled egg and fish? No, no, Zach, please.
- Did you have a good time? - Yes.
I don't remember very much but Elisa's in my bed right now.
And you know what? In the light of day, she's still cute.
Yeah.
Different.
You know, I don't remember a thing after we left that bar last night.
I know.
What is this? "Our " something.
I don't know.
Why would we have made a videotape? Hey, what does that mean? Yeah.
I think it means "our wedding.
" Oh, my God.
You got married? - How could you let this happen to me? - Don't blame us.
You did this on your own.
If I had been there, I would never have let Well, whoever that is, he's very handsome.
This is how you show me how great single life can be? You get me married? Yeah.
Why am I going up to the altar? And what is Zach doing? This is a weird party.
Wait, he said "Zach.
" What does "Zach" mean in Spanish? You know, I'm starting to think, I'm not the one who got married.
Alex is a lawyer.
We'll talk to her about how to get out of this.
Until then, no one has to hear about this stupid marriage.
Wait, wait, wait.
Aren't you gonna carry Zach over the threshold? Hey, how are you? So, Michael, did you enjoy the single life in Mexico? Well, Alex, yes, I did.
I did enjoy the single life in Mexico.
Mom, here are your diet pills.
Full of FDA-unapproved goodness.
Alex, we need your help.
You know any lawyers familiar with Mexican law? Well, my law firm does a lot of work with Mexico and Latin America.
What did you guys do down there? - Okay, last night we got drunk.
- Really drunk.
Yeah.
And woke up this morning and found out Zach and I got married to each other.
You did what? How did you even hear that? What do you think Grandma will notice first? That he's a dude or he's black? You think my family's gonna be happy I married a actor? Okay, no one's telling anybody's families.
This is what they gave us.
Can you see if there's a way you can make this go away? It's in Spanish.
We couldn't find the chapel in the morning.
- Okay, I'll look into it.
- Okay, thanks.
Don't Don't.
Hey, look, Joe.
Joe, hey.
I know last night didn't turn out great for you but it was awesome for me.
Yeah? Well good.
I'm glad.
- Yeah.
When it comes to a big commitment, I'm gonna wait until I have something as special as what you and Zach have.
All right, I'm not taking any crap from a guy who was talking about his mother's body.
- He was? - Okay, you know what? No, no, no.
We're not talking about this anymore until Zach and I are no longer married.
Married? Joey, you're - Well, whatever makes you happy.
- No.
- Howard - No, no.
And you know what? If my hero Joey's gay, then so am I.
Look out, boys.
All right! Hey.
Hey, what's going on? I checked.
Joey's marriage is meaningless.
There is no gay marriage in Mexico.
And besides, Joey signed this document, "Sombrero Pete, Lord of the Bullwhips.
" - Joey's gonna be relieved.
- Yeah, but not quite yet.
First, we're gonna have a little fun.
- I like the fun Alex.
- Yeah, just follow my lead.
Hey.
This wedding ring is the best thing that has ever happened to my sex life.
I don't know who got more girls' phone numbers, me or my wife.
Alex, did you do some research? Did you figure a way out of this mess? I did make some calls.
I think you guys better sit down.
What? What's going on? Apparently this document is rock-solid.
You guys are married.
- What? - No.
We have to file a request with the Mexican government.
They require that you videotape the proceedings.
Gina, let's begin.
Commencing video request for dissolution of gay marriage in the country of Mexico.
Let the record show that the petitioners have wished the president a good morning.
They are Joseph and Zach Tribbiani.
Actually, I've chosen to hyphenate my last name.
Did you? There you go, belittling me in front of your friends again.
Does it make you feel like a big man? Can we talk about this later? When? After you've had drinks and passed out? Maybe I wouldn't drink so much if I didn't have to come home every day to this.
What are we talking about? Now under Mexican law, the only grounds for a male-male divorce is irreconcilable sexual differences.
- What does that mean? - It means you would have to describe in detail, the point during lovemaking where your lover became inadequate or disappointing.
What? This is crazy.
Well, I'm sorry, but if you wanna get a divorce, you have no choice.
Sometimes when he holds me, it's like he's not really there.
What the hell is wrong with you? Joey, now it's your turn.
What is your sexual problem with Zach? I don't have one.
- Zach satisfies Joey completely.
- No.
Don't write that.
Now the next thing we need is el beso final.
The kiss goodbye.
- What? - What? No, I can't.
I'm not doing that.
If you guys want to get divorced: - No, I can't.
- Hell, no.
Look, Mr.
El Presidente, please, no el beso final, okay? Look, you're a worldly man.
You understand what it's like to get fall-down drunk and marry a dude, right? What's so funny? Why are you guys laughing? Oh, my God.
You're messing with us.
Yes, I am.
Not cool, Alex.
Not cool.
Yeah, you tell them, baby.
We're done with that.
Look, I don't mind a harmless prank, but wasting el presidente's time? Look, Joey, I went to one of those bars and I tried, I really tried, but I can't gay.
- I'm sorry I let you down.
- Howard, I was never gay.
I really wish I'd known that six hours ago.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- Are you still mad at me? - No, no, I'm okay.
Because I'm gonna get you back when you least expect it.
Oh, by the way, I have this peanut brittle.
Would you like some? It is delicious.
- I think I'll have it later.
- Yeah, later.
When you least expect it.
What, you're leaving? No beso final? I gotta hand it to you.
You really got me before.
That was a good one.
Well, there's more where that came from.
What has gotten into you? Well, I decided to make a change.
I think I need to have a little bit more fun.
What brought that on? No, no, no.
Come on, tell me, what? Well, I've just been kind of hung up on this guy.
Really? Who? It doesn't matter.
The point is that I'm moving on.
- Well, good.
You should.
- Yeah, I'm going to.
- Forget that guy.
- I already have.
Attagirl.
In fact, last night I got numbers from three different guys.
Of course you did.
You're cool, you're smart, you're beautiful.
Girl like you can have any guy you want.
- You think so? - I know so.
And I'll tell you another thing.
Whoever that guy is, he doesn't know what he's missing.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What are you doing? This is how I deal with a guy who's got the yaps.