Misfits Episode Scripts

N/A - Series 3, Episode 1

You can't die.
I love you.
I'll still be here.
Where did you get that? The guy in the mask.
Who is he? He's you.
So what happens now? You fall in love with me.
(NATHAN) No more community service.
I thought we'd be all celebrating and shit.
All the shit we've been through.
We're all here, all alive.
We made it.
I can give you your life back.
There's this guy.
He took my power.
You sold your powers? Yeah, mate.
We were given them for a reason.
Do we have to have the same powers as before? He said if we've got the money, we can take our pick.
OK, so who's first? You're all such pussies! I'll do it.
POUNDING ON DOOR Right.
I need to speak to the cool, mysterious power guy.
Is he, is he in? What are you doing? Get back in here! Sorry! Wanker! What the fuck do you think you're doing? Think you can get rid of me? I'm a part of you.
Cool power guy with the suits, he could've sorted this bullshit out, but you had to make a big drama! I won't let you bury me.
I'm staying right here.
You're such a whiney little bitch! You hate me, you hate yourself.
Nobody loves themselves more than I do.
I'd fuck myself in a heartbeat.
So we're back to the whole "I'm gay" thing there, aren't we? Why bring that up? I'm not gay.
Remember that time in PE? In the showers, you got turned on watching Richard Saunders soap his balls? Oh, he's pathetic! He's sad.
You thought about it when screwing the fake vagina you made out of Mum's rubber gloves.
You trying to fuck me? I'm gonna fucking kill you! I am you! You're nothing to do with me! Rudy! (GROANS) That could've gone horribly wrong, that.
You could have killed us.
Shut up whining.
C'mon.
Get in here.
Whoa! (CRACKS HIS BACK, GROANS) WHISTLING (GROANS) Argh.
You're not going to ask about me limp? No.
No, of course not! Cos that would be doing your job.
I'm not sure you're cut out to be a probation worker.
Is that right? Yeah.
If you're finished with the careers advice, piss off and pick up some litter with the other shitheads.
Right.
Before all the accusations, recriminations start flying around, before harmony turns to discord, and everyone starts shouting, jabbing their fingers at each other, I just want to say for the record, hand on heart, the other hand on a Bible, that it wasn't absolutely wasn't me who left the big floater in the toilet back there.
These are the designs for an intercontinental ballistic missile.
Yeah, mate.
Check out the propulsion system.
It's liquid nitrogen.
It's wicked.
Where did you get them? I drew them.
(LAUGHS) You? You honestly expect me to believe that? You think I nicked them? I fucking drew them.
They're my designs! Get her out of here.
Take your hand off me, you prick! I'm a fucking rocket scientist! DOOR SLAMS LIFT DOOR OPENS These new powers are bullshit.
I thought this power would make me dead clever, but all I know is how to design rockets.
Guess it does what it says on the tin.
Only there's no tin or instructions.
No-one believes someone like me's a rocket scientist.
You don't exactly look like a rocket scientist.
Maybe I should get some glasses, to look dead intelligent.
Yeah, that'll do it.
Simon? Hey.
Hurry up and put some clothes on.
I said we'd go or a drink.
BLOOD RED SHOES: It's Getting Boring By The Sea Has anyone heard from Nathan? He's in Vegas with Marnie and Nathan Jr.
They want us to go over for the weddings.
I'll go, if that prick pays for my flights and my hotel.
He's going to use his power to cheat money out of the casino.
You don't need to be able to see the future to know that's going to end badly.
The baby's really cute, though.
I think she's getting broody, mate.
Better knock her up.
Garcon! Talking to me? I believe so.
It's French.
You're not a fan of the French? Fair enough.
I don't like the cunts either.
Can I have three pints of lager, please? What's wrong? Nothing.
I'm knackered.
Can we go? I'll come with you.
Later.
I'm away for a cigarette.
Good for you.
I just want you to know, right, out of the two of you, I like you the best.
I mean, she's all right.
She's not ugly or anything.
Maybe a six or seven out of ten.
So what am I? I would never disrespect you like that, or any woman, but if I absolutely had to, I'd give you a nine.
So, mathematically, as the two most attractive members of our Community Service gang, I believe we are genetically predisposed to copulate.
Any reputable scientist would tell you that, love.
Well, I'm obviously incredibly flattered Thank you.
It's just, I don't find you even remotely attractive.
I don't believe you.
Why would I lie? I don't know.
Why would you lie? I'm not.
Not consciously, just subconsciously, you're fucking crazy about me.
Aren't you? To be continued.
Thank you.
She just totally knocked you back.
She's playing hard to get, mate.
She's out of your league.
She's laughing her arse off at you.
You can't go back in there.
You're gonna have to Oh, climb through the window! Just go.
C'mon.
No! You'd love that, wouldn't you? Why don't I just go home and spend the rest of the night torturing myself about things I did when I was like 14? You mean the thing with the neighbour's cat? No! We do not talk about that! Right? Where are you going? Just fuck the fuck off.
Wait for me outside.
Honestly, you're a miserable prick.
So I believe you were just saying how you, uh, wanted to have sex with me? What's that all about? Oh! (LAUGHS NERVOUSLY) Oh, no, ta, you're all right.
I'm genetically predisposed to get cancer.
I think I'll pass.
If you don't smoke, why are you out here? I'm sick of all the wankers in there acting like they're having a good time.
So how come you're on Community Service? What've you done? Oh, c'mon, what's your crime? I was with my boyfriend, and we got stopped by the police.
He put the drugs he was carrying in my bag.
I saw him, but I didn't have time to do anything.
You're kidding.
No-one's ever going to do anything like that to me again.
People will shit all over you any chance they get, won't they? I had you all wrong.
I thought you were a shallow little prick.
No, it's an act.
It's a front.
I'm deeply insecure.
Do you want to go somewhere, just us? Let's stay here.
We're just getting to know each other, aren't we? We'll talk in there.
Hey.
This was great, wasn't it? PATSY CLINE: Crazy Crazy I'm crazy for feeling so lonely I'm crazy Crazy for feeling MUSIC ECHOES I knew You'd love me as long as you wanted And then someday You'd leave me for somebody new Worry Why do I let myself worry? Wonderin' What in the world did I do What happened? Ah! You've you've bottled me! What are you talking about? This man just bottled me! I didn't do anything to you! Me face! Am I still, am I still gorgeous? His head's cut up.
I'm standing with a broken bottle.
I don't remember doing anything.
That is definitely some power shit.
What are we going to do? We don't have to do anything.
Keep our heads down and stay out of it.
Cos that always works.
This is the kind of shit where we need that guy in the mask.
Why do we always get involved? Can't we do normal stuff that normal people do, like go for brunch? What the fuck is brunch? THE VELVET UNDERGROUND: Sunday Morning Sunday morning Brings the dawn in It's just a restless feeling Would you like a bacon sandwich? I would like that very much.
Thank you.
You've just had unprotected anal sex with that girl.
I most certainly did.
And she loved it.
What if she's got HIV? Cute girls don't get HIV.
You need to take her to a clinic, get her to have some tests, get her a full work-up.
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa.
Do you know how rare it is to find a girl who genuinely, honest to God, absolutely loves it up the arse? Urgh.
Can you smell that? That's bacon, gently sizzling in the pan there.
Life doesn't get any better than this for me! It's as close to heaven as I'm gonna get.
If you don't get her to have those tests, I will.
Don't go near her, do you hear me? She doesn't need to see this shit.
I think she does.
In fact, I'll go tell her to stick some more bacon on, cos that's three for breakfast.
You have totally crossed the line! KNOCK ON THE DOOR Rudy? Are you OK? Yeah, I'm fine.
I'm just washing shit off me cock.
I'm going to tell her everything.
All your embarrassing little secrets.
Who are you talking to? No-one! Meself.
What're you doing in there? Nothing.
Rudy! Just a minute! Just a minute, yeah? Ow! Fuck! What happened? Funny thing.
You know how I said I was washing me cock? I slipped on the soap and impaled meself on some scissors! How mad's that shit? Actually really fucking hurts, like.
So is this like brunch? Cos it feels like I'm just eating a bacon sandwich? Hey.
That's him.
That's the guy who said I bottled him.
What are you smiling at? A gentleman never tells.
I've just fucked her up the arse! Everything you said? It was all bullshit! How could you do that to me? But I didn't do it to you I did it to her.
I'm the arse man.
King of the world! What's she done to him? (GROANS) Are you all right? You're that crazy barman who bottled me.
I didn't bottle you.
It must have been her.
Why would she do that? GLASS BREAKS CAR ALARM WAILS SIREN WAILS Go! Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
Did you see a guy run down here? I haven't seen anyone.
Sweet.
(RUDY PANTS) I've got to stop smoking and doing loads of speed, me.
I thought they had you.
No.
I got away.
I I did my thing.
Ah! If that's some vague reference to all this "power" bullshit, then don't worry, cos I am cool and the gang with all that.
You're very starey.
Ah, hey! Whoa, this is cool.
Loving that lift.
Look at this lift! (LAUGHS) Brilliant.
So this turning into a girl thing, is it born out of some sort of sexual confusion? There ain't no sexual confusion.
If you say so.
They all got their powers before me! It was all they had left.
He's a bit touchy, ain't he? So this girl he turns into Would you? You know? Would you fuck her? We've never seen her.
Oh.
Oh.
I've always wanted me own vagina.
Not to keep.
Cos I've heard they require a lot of maintenance.
Upkeep, like cleaning, polishing, things like that.
Oh, it's it's you.
Do you two know each other? We went to the same college.
This has been brilliant ain't it? Ah, I really have to go, I've got things got to do stuff and that.
(KELLY) You all right, mate? How does this fucking lift work? Who has a lift in their flat, man? Come on! Piece of shit! Fuck! Nice one.
Why's he here? What's going on? We were brunching.
And then it just kicked off.
It's her.
Look at it.
Look at it! What are we going to do? Every power known to mankind seems to be floating out there somewhere.
Someone must have it! I don't care how long it takes, you keep looking until you find it.
TAP ON DOOR And what can I do for you? There's this girl on the estate.
She used a power to make it look like we trashed a car.
The police are after us.
And you're telling me because? I thought you could do something.
Take her power or something.
Oh, did you? I'll just find my cape and tights and get on it.
You think this is funny? D'you see me laughing? I've never seen you smile.
You always sit there with a massive shit-eating grin on your face.
Mister Fucking Happy! Look, are you going to do something about this girl or not? I really don't see that happening.
You don't give a shit about anyone, do you? I give a shit about me.
And just so you know, this new power? It's rubbish.
But you're a rocket scientist.
Yeah, and you're a dick! Come by any time.
DOOR SLAMS (TONY WHISTLES) Little bastards.
Which one of you fuckers took the dog? What dog? Was there even a dog? The charity box, for the blind? The Labrador, Retriever, whatever the fuck it was.
Who nicked it? What? I don't know nothing about no dog, man.
Was there a dog? Where is there a dog? Who took it? Right.
I really hate to be a grass, but I did see that strangely intense girl with slightly inadequate breasts - she was carrying something heavy and dog-shaped over to her locker before Which one? It's number 43.
Ow.
Hey.
Come here.
Mm, come here.
The probation worker's looking for you.
And why's that? Because he seems to be under the impression that you've stolen a dog-shaped charity box, on account of him having found it in your locker.
Mm! You fuck with me, I'll fuck you right back with a cherry on top.
You have no idea what I can do to you.
You think you can use your little power to fi .
.
ix this.
You're too late, because he's already reported you.
And the cops are already coming.
(HE CHUCKLES) You're going down, sweet child.
Don't mess with the assman! (PANTS ANGRILY) You! Office.
Now.
Control, this is Charlie-Echo-Two-Three.
We've got the suspect, heading back to station.
15 minutes ETA.
(RADIO) 'Charlie-Echo-Two-Three, 15 minutes ETA.
Please confirm.
' (PANTS ANGRILY) Yeah, I can confirm 'Charlie-Echo-Two-Three, can you confirm?' 'Charlie-Echo-Two-Three, repeat, come in.
' 'Come in.
' You have to let Alisha know what she did to you, or you'll never get over it.
You have to confront her.
Why d'you need to dig this shit up? It's old news.
I'm over it! You think about her all the time.
No.
You think about her.
It's the same thing.
You know what? I think about loads of things.
I think about shagging supermodels.
I think about shagging normal models.
I think about how sad it is that the polar bears are drowning because all the ice is melting.
That doesn't mean I have to do anything about it, though.
Mm? Now, c'mon.
Get in here.
We have beers to drink, and anuses to violate.
Oh Is he fingering her? I think he might be.
I'll get them in, hm? That's thirsty work, that.
Same again, please.
So you're with Alisha, aren't you? That's great, man.
I'm with that beautiful, innocent-looking girl down there.
She absolutely loves it up the arse! I know! We're all pussying around, aren't we? "Should I slip it up there?" "You can't.
That's where she makes her toilet.
" Turns out Come here.
Turns out it's also the way to a woman's heart.
You stick anything up my arse, I'll break your face.
It's just the posh ones.
Just the posh ones.
Listen Just so you know, don't worry about that girl who screwed with us, cos your uncle Rudy is all over it like a motherfuckeeeerrrrr! Oh! Argh! Rudy? Is he having a fit or something? I'm fine.
Nothing to see here.
Oh Hurgh! (GASPS) Ohh Right, just so you know, this doesn't change how I feel about you, or the thing with the thing Um, what the fuck is going on? I can't believe there's two of you! It's like he came out of inside of you! What? You know what you did.
What did she do? Let's just go.
Come on! Let's go.
Wagons, roll! We had sex together.
You had sex with her? Not recently.
I don't even remember it.
So many fannies, right? Big ones.
Small ones.
Hairy ones.
Floppy, great, big, flappy fannies (BARKS LIKE A SEAL) We were at a party.
I'd fancied you for two years.
She took my virginity.
It was the happiest moment of my life.
For me, it was getting a handjob on the Vortex at Thorpe Park.
Can we just go? I told all my friends I was seeing you, you know.
The next day, you looked right through me.
I loved you, and you wouldn't even look at me.
This is piss under the bridge.
I had to watch you going with all them other boys.
Why are you doing this? It's drugs.
He's on drugs.
Do you know what they used to call you? The Co The Cockmonster.
Just leave it, yeah? Just fuck off.
Why did they call you The Cockmonster? You have to ask? I tried to kill myself! Oi! You shut your fucking mouth! I wanted to die because of you.
Ohh It's not my fault you're so messed up that you tried to kill yourself.
Fuck you, and your sad little fantasies! This is bullshit! You're denying it happened you're doing it again.
Last orders.
I'm not that person any more.
I know.
I never wanted you to hear those things about me It doesn't matter It doesn't matter that your girlfriend used to be called "the cock-monster"? We've all got a past.
I've got two pasts.
All that matters is us, here now.
Do you know what they used to call me at school? The pussy meister.
Shut up! I was getting so much pussy, I didn't know what to do with it.
Just loads of pussy, everywhere Will you stop saying "pussy"?! TV ON QUIETLY (SIGHS) How have you got in here? Broke a window.
(TUTS) (TUTS) D'you know, this isn't working out for either of us.
I think we should stay split.
Per-Permanently? Why not? You've had your moment in the sun.
You've got it all off your chest.
Consider me humiliated.
You're your own man now.
We can go our separate ways.
Separate lives.
We don't need to see each other ever again.
What d'you say? You could move to Wales, I've no fucking intention of going there! So you can walk around like you're happy all the time? It works for me.
I don't need you turning up every time I feel down, reminding me of everything that makes me feel shit about myself.
But it's a part of who you are No.
It's a part of who you are.
All this fighting, arguing.
Nobody wants to get stabbed in the shoulder with a pair of scissors.
It's not cool, and it hurts.
C'mon, man.
Let's just stay split.
I'm going to take your moody silence as a "yes".
Try not to break another window on your way out.
Jesus! I thought you were at the police station? The police are going to have a lot more important things to do than look for me.
Oh, Jesus.
It wasn't me What did you do? I didn't do anything.
Oh! Jesus! Shit! Well, this isn't good, is it? Why's she doing this? I honestly have no idea.
I'll find out where she is.
Oh, brilliant.
We'll just untie your hands, slip off the noose, and away you go.
No my power! I can put myself in other people's shoes.
See what they see through their eyes.
Do you have to be wearing their shoes? No.
Right.
That'd be ridiculous, wouldn't it? She's writing our suicide notes! Fuck You don't have to do this! Well, someone's going to get blamed for stabbing Charlie.
And it's not going to be me.
What if we promise not to tell anyone? But if this is suicide, how d'you explain our hands being tied behind our backs? I'll untie them when you're dead.
Hm.
I'm glad you've thought of everything.
Or should I say, nearly everything? No, you're bluffing.
Am I? Yeah! I really wouldn't do that if I were you.
It's up to you.
Ooh, the irony.
You're gonna kick yourself.
What the fuck are you talking about? It's hilarious.
It's too funny.
What is it? Tell me! All right.
It's this Rudy! Wrap your legs round me.
I'll take your weight! Wrap your legs around me! Come on! I didn't mean to kill her! You can't hold us Just hold on.
No point in us both dying.
Just hold on! You broke my heart I know.
I lied.
I do remember you.
I was a bitch.
I didn't care who I hurt, but I've changed.
I'm not that person any more! I hate myself for what I did to you.
I'm sorry.
That's good enough.
No! Rudy! Rudy! Help! Somebody help us! SCREAMS FADE I thought you'd gone to Wales? I've got to tell you, guys I'm kind of freaking out here, all this killing and burying and dying.
Just, I'm outside my comfort zone.
If it makes you feel any better, we've done a couple of people too.
Shit just happened.
You bury 'em, just get on with your life.
I just keep seeing this image of her cute little face, she's biting down on the mattress, there.
She absolutely loved it up the arse.
God rest her beautiful soul.
Amen.
Well, that could've gone a lot worse, you know? For me.
A new day tomorrow.
Who knows what it holds for all of us.
SIREN WAILS Shit Just stay cool.
Don't get upset, but this isn't exactly my car.
Whose car is it? Nicked it off a man with a perm.
A man, with a perm.
What's that about? We can't get caught in no nicked car.
We're all on probation.
Maybe they'll let you off with a warning, love.
Honestly, guys I thought they'd let you off with a warning.
SLOW HANDCLAP That didn't take you long, did it? Congratulations.
You haven't changed.
That's where you're wrong, because I've found a new dedication to ensuring your complete and total rehabilitation.
I'll get started, right after I've watched Homes Under the Hammer.
Ooh! Can we watch that with you? You lot can piss off and do some work.
Chop chop.
What you doing? Designing a new propulsion system.
Why? Because I'm a fucking rocket scientist.
Ah, are we doing catchphrases? Maybe we could all have one.
Mine could be, "Now you see me, "Now you see two of me".
Why do we need catchphrases? You know for when shit goes down, man.
C'mon.
D'you really think we're going to spend the next seven weeks ambling around, picking up litter? He's got a point.
Maybe it'll be different this time.
Maybe there won't be any shit going down.
Oh, trust me.
There'll be shit.
It's in the air.
I can smell it.
So do you want to tell me what's going on? Why are we following him? Oh, my God.
You fancy him! You're Curtis Donovan, aren't you? So what is there to do round here? Have you just had a shag? Something like that.
Who's the lucky girl? You don't know her.
This was the worst sex I have ever had.
When we were together, was I? What? Was I shit? What are you doing? That's Curtis's locker.
It's me, Curtis.
This is how I look when I'm a girl.