Perfect Strangers (1986) s02e05 Episode Script

Christmas seals, give me a break.
Mother Teresa, you're out of luck.
Motorcycle Maidens.
Think I'll save this for my private moments.
Balki, it was no big deal.
- It had better be.
You're 40 seconds late.
Cousin Larry just did a great thing.
- What did he do? Tear up your green card? This man, Larry Appleton, just saved my life.
Why? Balki, it was nothing.
- I'll be the judge of that.
We were walking across the street.
And all of a sudden there was a runaway taxi about to runaway over me.
And this man pushed me out of the way.
- It was a reflex.
You risked your life to save another.
In Mypos, he would be considered a very great man.
This is America.
Here, he's still considered a jerk.
Don't listen him.
You're a hero.
For what? For running out into the street and throwing my body between you and certain death? Well, maybe a small hero.
No, cousin.
Take it from me, you're a big one.
In Mypos, if somebody did what you just did he's no longer a regular person.
He's lift up to Primodopolous.
Primo what? Primodopolous.
Hmm.
And I am but a lowly sheepherder.
Balki, what are you doing? I'm basking in your glory.
He's basking in my glory.
Get up, or get out.
Balki, Balki, get up.
- No.
Up.
- No.
Up.
- No! I must bask in your glory.
It's a custom of my people.
And it's a custom of my people to earn a living.
And my custom is bigger than your custom.
Now, get up.
Okay.
- Okay.
But inside, I'm still basking like crazy.
That was a great meal.
I didn't know Balki could cook like that.
Well, it was a little embarrassing.
I usually like to feed myself.
You did save his life.
He's just trying to say thank you.
Don't get me wrong, it's fun having somebody wait on you hand and foot.
It's just that in Mypos, they have rules.
What kind of rules? Well, rules like Balki's head must never be higher than the Primodopolous.
Every time I turn around, there he is right below my face.
Well, it is his culture.
I guess I can put up with it for a couple of days.
See you later, hero.
She's right.
I did save his life.
If he wants to serve me, who am I to complain? Who am I to stand in the way of his culture? Who am I talking to? Did you want something? I bring your robe and slippers.
I ironed them.
You ironed my slippers? Tough to get a crease.
But anything for a Primodopolous.
Anything else I can do for you? - No, I'd just like to sit and read my mystery.
What are you doing? What are you doing? I thought you were finished with that page.
Balki, I just would like to finish this book so that I can go to bed.
You can't go to bed until you finish that book? That's right.
- The great Aunt Phoebe did it.
She did not have to be in a wheelchair.
She used to get up at night dressed like a man and stab relatives.
That's right.
Now you can go to bed.
Is there anything else I can do for you? Now, Balki, look, I know you're doing this because you feel you have to.
And I appreciate it.
It's just that Could we not do the head thing? Well Actually, that rule is optional.
- Good.
Then stop now.
Stand up.
Up, up, up.
Up.
Good.
Now, if you don't mind, I'd like to watch a little TV.
All right.
Ah! Balki.
Balki, would you come here, please? Closer.
Closer.
Closer.
Close enough.
What are you doing? I'm making your lunch for tomorrow.
Sheep Wellington.
Well, thank you.
Balki, how long does this Primodopolous thing go on? Forever.
Don't you ever, ever do that again.
Don't worry.
What were you doing? Trying to see if you were alive.
Well, obviously, I am.
And that makes me happier than a tick on a sheepdog.
Well, that makes it a red-letter day for me too.
BALKl: Are you going to stay mad at me long? No, I am not going to stay mad at you.
It's just that you You scared me.
BALKl: A hero can be scared? Not Not scared, but surprised.
Look, Balki, I know you're only trying to take care of me.
And I appreciate the thought.
But this has got to come to an end.
Why am I tethered to the table? So that you can't walk in your sleep and fall out the window.
Pretty smart, huh? Balki, what are the chances of me walking in my sleep and falling out the window? Now? No chance.
I'm going to untie myself now, and then I'm going to bed.
Good night.
- Good night.
Balki! Hello.
So how are you this morning, American hero? Two hours late.
Someone turned off my alarm.
I wonder who that could be? Me.
- Oh! I turned off it so you could sleep in.
- I have never been late in my life.
Not in high school, not in grade school.
I was born three weeks early.
Thanks for dropping by, Appleton.
I'm docking you two hours pay.
Don't you give me that face yet.
All right, Mr.
Twinkacetti.
Two hours, what is it, huh? A few paltry dollars? Take it out of my salary.
That is your salary.
Balki, this whole thing is getting out of hand.
I'm just not cut out to be served.
Well, you have to be.
You're the Primodopolous.
No, I'm not.
I resign.
Well, you can't do that.
It's for life.
I'm the Primodopolous? - Yes, you are.
And anything I say goes? - Well, of course it does.
Don't be ridiculous.
You can't serve me anymore.
But if I can't serve you, I've failed.
And if I failed the Primodopolous then I'm a Nebulopolous.
You'll get over it.
Sticks and stones.
That's just exactly what they throw at Nebulopoli.
I'm a disgrace.
I can't even show my face in public.
Well, I'll just get back to my sweeping.
Still wearing the bag? - Yeah, he's getting pretty good at it.
Turnip, I like the look.
But it's scaring away customers.
Why don't you go into the basement and sort pants by color.
BALKl: Thank you.
Not even fun to abuse anymore.
I don't know what to do.
- I'll tell you what to do.
Go jump in front of a taxicab, and hope the turnip pulls you out of the way.
And what if he doesn't? Either way, your problems are solved.
Thanks, but I prefer a solution that I can live through.
Oh, sure, think of yourself.
Wait, I got an idea.
I have a friend who's an actor.
Why don't you just hire him to break into the apartment make a little noise, wake up the turnip and then run like hell.
He thinks he saved your life and you're even.
You mean it.
Well Well, that's a real idea.
But I don't think so.
It's up to you.
You're the Primopotamus.
What's the cost on something like this? Fifty bucks.
- Fifty? I wouldn't be asking him to do King? Lear.
BALKl: I can't find the basement.
I'll keep on looking.
Have him come before midnight.
I don't wanna be up late.
Balki.
Balki.
Yeah, is Jimmy there? He's in New York? What's he doing there? King? Lear? No, no message.
His loss, my gain.
Where have you been? You were supposed to be here by midnight.
I work my own hours.
You're not supposed to take things.
That's what I do.
Okay, okay, nice touch.
And look at this outfit.
Who ever heard of a burglar wearing a baseball cap? All right, look, let me go over it again.
You come through the window, you wake him up, threaten me.
When he asks what's going on, you scream in terror beg him not to hurt you and run.
Do you think you can handle that? Is this some kind of hospital or something? Hospital? Didn't Twinkacetti tell you anything? Look, I'll wake him up, you try to look mean.
Mean.
Oh, no.
Oh, no, it's a burglar.
Balki, look, it's a robber.
We're going to be robbed.
And here I am frozen with fear.
Oh, if only someone with courage would jump up and save us.
Wait a minute.
What about you? You can do it, Balki.
Don't be ridiculous.
He's got a gun.
He does? You're not supposed to have a gun.
That's real.
Oh.
Oh, you're not Oh, you're a burglar.
Oh, my God.
Uh Uh Don't shoot.
Please, I'm barely in my mid-20s.
I have never been skiing.
I didn't mean to offend you.
I love your hat.
I make a lousy first impressión.
- Shut up! I can do that.
I didn't talk through the third grade.
Will you shut up? You can't do that to Cousin Larry.
Yes, I can.
- Yes, he can.
You do that again and you're in big trouble.
Balki, if the man wants to shove me, let him shove me.
There.
You heard it.
- Yeah.
If you do that one more time, I'm not responsible.
Why do you keep doing that? Because I'm the one that's got the gun.
Give me that.
- Ooh! All right, buster, reach for the friendly skies.
Balki, you got the gun.
That's great.
You can put your hands down now.
- Even better.
Not you.
- Oh.
Down yours, up yours.
What your name is? Uh, John Doe.
Put your hand out.
Shame on you, John Doe.
Breaking into other peoples' houses and taking things that don't belong to you.
Ha-ha.
Yeah, you're right, whatever you just said.
Call the police, cousin.
- You bet I will.
Help! Police! Help! Help! Help! Police! Boy, the police department was fun.
I like that they give me ice cream cone.
And then they let me take my fingerprints.
Don't touch anything until you wash your hands.
They even let me stand in the lineup.
But I didn't win.
It's just as well.
First prize is 20 years.
Well, I'm gonna turn in.
Give me 15 minutes, I warm up your bed.
- No, that is over.
Well, then it's back to the bag on my head.
Balki, don't you realize what you've done? I did something wrong? - No, you saved my life.
You're a hero.
What you did took guts.
Really? - Yes.
Am I as brave as you? - I am way down here.
And you are way We are even.
Equals.
Two peas in a pod.
A couple of Primodopoli.
But I don't feel like a hero.
Somebody was pushing my friend and I had to stop him.
That's all I did when I pushed you out of the way of the taxi.
That's what you do when you care about somebody.
You care about me? Well - I care about you too.
Well, thank you for the service and for saving my life.
And good night.
Good night.