Robot Chicken s07e13 Episode Script
Stone Cold Steve Cold Stone
It's alive! James, Sirius, Peter the moon is out! I'm turning into a werewolf! Aah! Aaaah! Don't worry, friend! We'll transform into animals with you! Follow him! We have to get somewhere isolated! Hold on.
Where's James? Okay.
That's it.
Easy, girl James! What the hell are you doing?! I'm going to fuck this deer.
You know, when in Rome What do you mean, "When in Rome"? Like, I wouldn't normally do shrooms, but if I went to Burning Man, of course I'd do shrooms.
This isn't shrooms! It's bestiality! No! Bestiality would be if I were a human fucking a deer.
But I'm a deer fucking a deer.
Now, if you'll excuse me Stop it! Stop it! That's gross! Oh, come on.
You've never fucked a dog? No! Liar! Okay, I led him far into the woods where he can't hurt anyone.
Peter, you fuck rats, don't you? Ew! No! I mean, when you're a rat.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Gentlemen, are we going to bone or what? Professor McGonagall?! The female anatomy looks like this.
Come on, guys.
Let's try to be mature here.
It's pink.
But, Bruce, there's a party going on! Sorry, doll, I need to check on my piano.
I just had it tuned.
Have you guys seen Bruce Wayne's piano?! All right, Joker, you can run, but you can't hide.
Uh-oh.
And that's just a warm-up.
Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Who is touching my things?! Unh! Stop playing the piano! Aah! I hate bats! And yet they motivate me! I'm so complicated! Aah! Mr.
Wayne, what's happening?! And now a little something from my own album! Please, I've been walking since July! I I can't get down! Please! Why won't anyone help me? Back, beast! Nothing will stop me from avenging my family! Family family family Whoa, hey! What the hell Aah! We doing this? All right, you fuckers, come and get it! Since 1964, the "Up" documentary series has been following the lives of 14 people every 7 years.
In "7 Up," Marla was a precocious little girl who loved drawing.
In "35 Up," she was a divorced mother working as a waitress.
In "84 up," she died.
Alone.
In "112 up," a group of scientists stole her brain and froze it in a secret government lab.
And now, in "210 up," her brain has been placed in a military-grade killdozer to fight invaders from the Andromeda galaxy.
Fighting aliens is fun and all, but I'll always regret never becoming an artist.
Someone hungry for a bite of killdozer?! Aaaaaaaaah! Take a bite of this juicy apple! Is it organic? I'm not sure what you mean.
Was it made with growth hormones? I don't think so.
Look, just eat the apple.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I really can't eat this apple unless I know it's free of hormones or pesticides.
Oh, that's fair.
Yes, I have the apple's paperwork right here in my Ohh! Ohh! Ow! Ow! Ow! We've crashed into Dune's Southern desert.
We must get to the rocks.
Only there will we be safe from the giant sandworms.
They're attracted to the sound of our footfalls, right? Yes, but as long as you walk without rhythm, you won't attract the worm.
Uh, Jamal, why don't you hang back and give us a head start? What? I can walk without rhythm.
Watch this! Look at me! I'm doing it! Yes, one foot in front of the other, see? Just makin' my way uh-oh.
Oh, no.
Wait.
H-hold on.
Aah! Jamal! He died.
But, damn, he looked cool doing it.
Welcome to "Legends Of The Hidden Temple"! I'm your host, Kirk Fogg, and this is Olmec, guardian of the temple and its legends.
Hey, there, Kirk.
Olmec and I have been buddies for a long time, isn't that right, Olmec? Long time long time long time Doba una nabayuma chuk laka Olmec.
He says that he is showing you the statue of Olmec, the all-powerful god of the Nabayuma people.
He will be perfect for our children's game show.
Wait.
What? Aah! All right! Move, move, move! Slime them! Slime them all! Olmec? Olmec! I said, what's today's legend? Uh, oh! Uh, sorry, Kirk.
Today's legend is "The necklace of Marie Curie.
" Thank you, Olmec! What's the matter, Lassie? Nope.
I ain't coming, girl.
I told him a thousand times to stop playing around that well.
It's dangerous.
He'll have to figure something out for himself, fucking punk kid.
Lassie! Help! October 27, 2013.
Salt Lake City.
Alvin falls onstage.
Word quickly spreads that he has, in fact, died.
October 29, 2013.
San Diego.
Alvin is back.
The rumors, it seems, were false.
But in November, a photograph from Chipmunks manager David Seville's backyard goes viral.
Pressure mounts.
By early December, Seville can no longer dodge the scrutiny.
I'm surprised nobody called me out on this earlier.
The Chipmunks have been touring since 1958.
The average life-span of a chipmunk is three years.
You can do the math.
Is it true you destroyed the death certificates? There are no death certificates.
They are rodents.
Will you surrender the corpses to authorities for full autopsies? Again, they are rodents.
Legally speaking, I could throw them down a well.
In fact, I accidentally ran over one of the Simons, and I simply replaced him with a new chipmunk from the crate of spare chipmunks I keep in the back of my Jeep.
My Jeep smells awful.
Welcome to the Princess Summit, where we address the complex political issues facing our Kingdoms.
Hairstyles! Talking pets! Hairstyles for our talking pets! Crabs! I've got crabs.
Well, isn't that just, um And where's our newest Princess? Ach! Sorry I'm late! I killed a boar on the way here.
Oh, you're so feminist and empowered Great.
'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory! Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems.
Let me tell you about them.
Not a damn song.
And your pet's hair is a disaster.
That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! I came here lookin' for justice! Instead, I found treachery.
Prepare yourself for war.
Someone finally said it! See you on the killing fields, round eyes! Amen, sister! Stuck up bitches.
Ooh, that Merida! I'll show her! Send in my war council! What shall I do, little one? Oh, my.
Okay, okay, I get it, I get it.
We need weapons! I've got a guy.
Oh! Good idea! We'll fight them with magic.
Bibbity boppity boo.
That's 20 grand.
Oh, wow.
Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs! Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch.
Anyone else have cold tits? All right, ladies! Show me what you've got! Hyah! Hyah! I finally found the perfect conditioner blood! Oh, curse these stubby arms! You're an alligator.
Be an alligator! Wait! Don't Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, no, no.
It was a it was a good kill.
Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
Oh, dear.
I think I'm getting sleepy.
I might have to sit this one out, guys Don't you pull that shit now! Just teasing Unh! Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge! I will show you a world of death! Look everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob! Oh, you just don't know what words are.
That's your thing.
Run away! Run away! Me mother's a bear Ba-gawk! Bawk.
Stupid monkey!
Where's James? Okay.
That's it.
Easy, girl James! What the hell are you doing?! I'm going to fuck this deer.
You know, when in Rome What do you mean, "When in Rome"? Like, I wouldn't normally do shrooms, but if I went to Burning Man, of course I'd do shrooms.
This isn't shrooms! It's bestiality! No! Bestiality would be if I were a human fucking a deer.
But I'm a deer fucking a deer.
Now, if you'll excuse me Stop it! Stop it! That's gross! Oh, come on.
You've never fucked a dog? No! Liar! Okay, I led him far into the woods where he can't hurt anyone.
Peter, you fuck rats, don't you? Ew! No! I mean, when you're a rat.
Oh, yeah, of course.
Gentlemen, are we going to bone or what? Professor McGonagall?! The female anatomy looks like this.
Come on, guys.
Let's try to be mature here.
It's pink.
But, Bruce, there's a party going on! Sorry, doll, I need to check on my piano.
I just had it tuned.
Have you guys seen Bruce Wayne's piano?! All right, Joker, you can run, but you can't hide.
Uh-oh.
And that's just a warm-up.
Crap! Crap! Crap! Crap! Who is touching my things?! Unh! Stop playing the piano! Aah! I hate bats! And yet they motivate me! I'm so complicated! Aah! Mr.
Wayne, what's happening?! And now a little something from my own album! Please, I've been walking since July! I I can't get down! Please! Why won't anyone help me? Back, beast! Nothing will stop me from avenging my family! Family family family Whoa, hey! What the hell Aah! We doing this? All right, you fuckers, come and get it! Since 1964, the "Up" documentary series has been following the lives of 14 people every 7 years.
In "7 Up," Marla was a precocious little girl who loved drawing.
In "35 Up," she was a divorced mother working as a waitress.
In "84 up," she died.
Alone.
In "112 up," a group of scientists stole her brain and froze it in a secret government lab.
And now, in "210 up," her brain has been placed in a military-grade killdozer to fight invaders from the Andromeda galaxy.
Fighting aliens is fun and all, but I'll always regret never becoming an artist.
Someone hungry for a bite of killdozer?! Aaaaaaaaah! Take a bite of this juicy apple! Is it organic? I'm not sure what you mean.
Was it made with growth hormones? I don't think so.
Look, just eat the apple.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I really can't eat this apple unless I know it's free of hormones or pesticides.
Oh, that's fair.
Yes, I have the apple's paperwork right here in my Ohh! Ohh! Ow! Ow! Ow! We've crashed into Dune's Southern desert.
We must get to the rocks.
Only there will we be safe from the giant sandworms.
They're attracted to the sound of our footfalls, right? Yes, but as long as you walk without rhythm, you won't attract the worm.
Uh, Jamal, why don't you hang back and give us a head start? What? I can walk without rhythm.
Watch this! Look at me! I'm doing it! Yes, one foot in front of the other, see? Just makin' my way uh-oh.
Oh, no.
Wait.
H-hold on.
Aah! Jamal! He died.
But, damn, he looked cool doing it.
Welcome to "Legends Of The Hidden Temple"! I'm your host, Kirk Fogg, and this is Olmec, guardian of the temple and its legends.
Hey, there, Kirk.
Olmec and I have been buddies for a long time, isn't that right, Olmec? Long time long time long time Doba una nabayuma chuk laka Olmec.
He says that he is showing you the statue of Olmec, the all-powerful god of the Nabayuma people.
He will be perfect for our children's game show.
Wait.
What? Aah! All right! Move, move, move! Slime them! Slime them all! Olmec? Olmec! I said, what's today's legend? Uh, oh! Uh, sorry, Kirk.
Today's legend is "The necklace of Marie Curie.
" Thank you, Olmec! What's the matter, Lassie? Nope.
I ain't coming, girl.
I told him a thousand times to stop playing around that well.
It's dangerous.
He'll have to figure something out for himself, fucking punk kid.
Lassie! Help! October 27, 2013.
Salt Lake City.
Alvin falls onstage.
Word quickly spreads that he has, in fact, died.
October 29, 2013.
San Diego.
Alvin is back.
The rumors, it seems, were false.
But in November, a photograph from Chipmunks manager David Seville's backyard goes viral.
Pressure mounts.
By early December, Seville can no longer dodge the scrutiny.
I'm surprised nobody called me out on this earlier.
The Chipmunks have been touring since 1958.
The average life-span of a chipmunk is three years.
You can do the math.
Is it true you destroyed the death certificates? There are no death certificates.
They are rodents.
Will you surrender the corpses to authorities for full autopsies? Again, they are rodents.
Legally speaking, I could throw them down a well.
In fact, I accidentally ran over one of the Simons, and I simply replaced him with a new chipmunk from the crate of spare chipmunks I keep in the back of my Jeep.
My Jeep smells awful.
Welcome to the Princess Summit, where we address the complex political issues facing our Kingdoms.
Hairstyles! Talking pets! Hairstyles for our talking pets! Crabs! I've got crabs.
Well, isn't that just, um And where's our newest Princess? Ach! Sorry I'm late! I killed a boar on the way here.
Oh, you're so feminist and empowered Great.
'Ey, wee beastie! Have we got to grievances yet? A bunch of wee dwarves are illegally mining me territory! Oh, Merida, you have far bigger problems.
Let me tell you about them.
Not a damn song.
And your pet's hair is a disaster.
That's me mother! She's a bear! The trailer was very misleading! I came here lookin' for justice! Instead, I found treachery.
Prepare yourself for war.
Someone finally said it! See you on the killing fields, round eyes! Amen, sister! Stuck up bitches.
Ooh, that Merida! I'll show her! Send in my war council! What shall I do, little one? Oh, my.
Okay, okay, I get it, I get it.
We need weapons! I've got a guy.
Oh! Good idea! We'll fight them with magic.
Bibbity boppity boo.
That's 20 grand.
Oh, wow.
Do you need thingamabobs? I've got thingamabobs! Nobody cares about the dildo collection you dredged up from the Atlantic, you fishy bitch.
Anyone else have cold tits? All right, ladies! Show me what you've got! Hyah! Hyah! I finally found the perfect conditioner blood! Oh, curse these stubby arms! You're an alligator.
Be an alligator! Wait! Don't Oh, I'm so sorry.
No, no, no.
It was a it was a good kill.
Not all of us will live to wish upon a star tonight, but we give our lives for a greater good.
Oh, dear.
I think I'm getting sleepy.
I might have to sit this one out, guys Don't you pull that shit now! Just teasing Unh! Bring me the scalp and/or weave of Snow White! Charge! I will show you a world of death! Look everyone! I brought my thingamabob! My weapons-grade thingamabob! Oh, you just don't know what words are.
That's your thing.
Run away! Run away! Me mother's a bear Ba-gawk! Bawk.
Stupid monkey!