The Simpsons s17e05 Episode Script

I'm so glad we came to Paradise Pier.
Ever since I was a little girl, I've wanted to ride that Ferris wheel.
They're tearing down the pier! But what would junkies do drugs under? Don't you worry, son, they are strong people.
I wanna ride a bumper cars! Whoa, sir, we're dismantling this ride.
It's not safe! I call the red one! Homie, no! It's not for street! Don't worry, mam! He's not connected to the power supplies, so he can't go far.
Oh, he got us in the corner! I hate this ride! Mom, can we buy a magnesium vapor soak tub? For the last time, no! Oh! But how will I increase my vitality? He's just faking loss of vitality, reverend.
I believe you.
A strong man? Are you for sale? 'Cause I need someone to throw a bird bath at my neighbor.
Robusto is not for sale! But, would you like to buy my last dumbbell? Mm, I suppose I could use a little toning.
I'll give you $5 for it.
Sold! A bicycle built for two! And I could be one of those two! Homie, if I buy a bicycle built for two, will you ride with me? Marge, I don't hate your mother.
I just won't be sad when she dies.
I was asking for something! Yeah, sure! Whatever you want.
I'll take it! I can't believe I own a tandem bike! You want me to ride a what-cycle built for who? A tandem bicycle! When I bought it, you said you'll ride with me.
Oh I was really looking forward to it.
Bart, how'd you like to go on a tandem bike ride with your mom? Mom, please.
I'm playing a video game! Oh, small hill.
Pedal, pedal, pedal! Now, enjoy scenery! Enjoy, enjoy, enjoy! Maggie, would you like to ride with me? Bart, why is your mom riding a two person bike by herself? Ha-ha! She's lonely! Moms don't get lonely! Hey mom, wanna go for a ride? I'd love to! I'll be right Wait, are you sure you're not just trying to get me make pizza for breakfast? Wo-ho! Pizza for breakfast! Mom, I mean it.
I wanna ride with you.
I'll be right down! Hello, Domino's? What do you mean, you're not opened? No, you call me back during business hours! I'll show you who's a recorded message! Puddle! I'm glad I could sharing their fun.
Well I heard Neil Young sing about her, I heard Neil put her down In the name of the father Hey! Well I hope Neil Young will remember, this southern man no need him around.
Anyhow.
Mom, who's Neil Young? He was a singer in the sixties, like the Archies and the Banana Splits.
I'm a little worried.
This part of the county is unincorporated.
Just to be safe, I'm going to dial 91 on my cellphone.
A tea house! Wanna go inside? I don't know.
Think they have video games? No.
Batting cage? No.
Rock climbing wall? No! Robot musical review? No! Zumanity by Cirque Du Soleil? No! Bathroom? Yes! Well, that's really what I need the most.
Let's go! Whoa, mom, I love tea! You haven't had any tea! Yeah, well I still love this place.
Good afternoon, madam.
Oh well, who's your handsome gentleman friend? Oh, you.
Don't do that! That hurts! Careful! Careful! Hey, what's a big idea getting trapped under that thing? Aaa, long story.
We were trying to impress some girls, and things kinda got away from us.
Just for the record, I regret nothing! Homer, how'd your right arm get so strong? Just lifting this dumbbell.
I'm pretty happy with this baby.
Now it's lefties turn! Oh, no you don't! I just got an idea.
Listen! - What? Hey! You.
.
What? Hey, you! Ooo.
.
What you Aah.
.
Yes.
Mom, only we have is carrot sticks and fresh fruit! Well, we could bike to the tea shop and have some cake! All right! Pedal to the cattle! Hey Bart, they're testing me for lazy eye! Wanna come with? Sorry Milhouse, I've got plans.
OK! I'll bring you back an eye care pamphlet.
OK.
Here comes our victim.
Let bash his head in! Hey Moe, I thought you were just gonna hustle him.
Oh right, I was thinking of another thing I got going.
Give me a bottle of bourbon! I've got a new liver, and I'm breaking it in.
Excuse me, mister bartender sir.
May I have a sugar-free ginger ale? And, err, make it flat.
The bubbles burn my butts.
Gold darnit, son! What the hell kinda sissy are you? Hey, are you calling my life partner a sissy? 'Cause a hundred bucks says he could whoop you in arm wrestling.
A Texas penny it is! Goldangit! I've been played like a dimwit's kazoo.
Yes! Homer, we make a dynamite team.
Ha? With your arm and my head gunk, we're going right to the top! This is one Texan who don't like when he's made out to be a fool.
Well, errr.
.
What do you like? I don't know Good book.
Long walk on the beach.
So, we kinda even things up here? Not yet! I wanna play some Frisbee.
You know honey, I really started to look forward to our little bike rides.
Me to, mother.
Oh, such respect! You could grow up to be a doorman.
Loyal customers, we have been forced to close forever.
It seems our cakes were filled with rat droppings.
It's not that we're bad people, we just weren't paying close attention.
Ta-ta! What it say? Err She died.
Well Bart, I guess that's it.
We have to go back to our separate things.
Hey, we could have tea in my tree house.
You, invited me, to your tree house? Whoaa! That's like Bruce Wayne letting his mother to the bat club.
So, is that standing water? Yeah.
You know, that puddle started life as a bowl of cereal.
I think I might be able to turn this tree house in to a tea house.
Mom, this is great! It makes our real house look like a pile of crap! And I throw out all your old comics.
Mooom! Just kidding.
Todays mom knows to seal 'em in Mylar, so you can never read them again, never ever again.
Where are you two going? I'm joining a professional arm wrestling circuit.
And how will this affect your job at the power plant? Negatively, I assume.
Oh, well.
We have to buy a new tea set.
Have fun! Jeez, she doesn't seem angry or anything Maybe she doesn't care anymore? Forget about her, Homer! She's dead to you now.
Oo-okay.
Now, forget boredom on the bus, I've got a book of brain teasers here.
Lets see.
Oh Brothers and sisters have I none, but this man's father is my father's son.
Ha Aah! Screw you, you stupid thing! He is my son.
That blows.
I can't wait to use our new Krusty the clown tea service! Me neither! Oh my God, I took a salesman's pen! I'll be right back.
Green tea, what's that? Mr.
T's Irish brother? Earl Grey? I'll rather have Linda Grey.
Is she still alive? What's next? What the hell? I'm not doing that one! Hey, Simpson! What do you gonna do with that tea pot? Gay out? I'll answer for you: yes.
What? Err I just shoplifted this, bad boy.
Housewards never knew what hit them.
Why didn't you steal something cool? Err Because I'm gonna bring it back, to the store, for store credit.
How you gonna get credit without a gift receipt? Ass! Err Well We've seen you're hanging out with your mom, Simpson! Word on the street is: you're a mama's boy! Hey! There is no way that Bart Simpson is a mama's boy! Oh Bart! Aren't they jazzy? They match the new curtains we're hanging in your tree house.
Here, try this on! I got you child's large because your tummies getting kinda bloopy from all the cakes we've been having.
Somebody here likes princess cakes! Princess cake? Bart, you just got yourself a nickname for life.
Hey, princess cake! Want some princess cake? Bart, are you having a fight with your boyfriends? Shut up! I don't want your stupid sweatshirt! Or your tea set! Smashing voids my warranty.
Have a good life! Mom, I only hang out with you because I felt sorry for you.
That was weird.
Will you teach us how to smoke? Noo! I can't believe they call me mama's boy.
I gotta make this place mine again! It's gonna take me weeks to get the booger wall back up! Bart! You're not allowed in here! Can't you read the sign? You mean this? Ay caramba! I'm worried about mom.
She's been sitting there, just petting the dog for two hours.
Hey, mom.
Hello, Bart.
Just so you know, I sold our bike.
Faster! Faster! But we have so much fun on that bike! Mom, I really did like hanging out with you.
You know, there's a karaoke night at school tomorrow.
Some of the little kids are bringing their parents.
Do you wanna go? Really? Can we do a duet? Sure, why not.
It'll be fun.
Oh, I can't believe Marge hasn't called me! Maybe I should go home.
Oh, Marge called you, she saidthat she loves you, and she hopes you brake the guy's arm so hard that it pokes through his skin.
Did she say anything else? Yes, she said to shut up and stop asking questions and listen to Moe.
Oh, Marge, I love her so much.
And Homer, you gotta keep your head in the game, all right? Your first opponent is Lefty the righty left-right.
Whoa, he looks tough.
Yeah, he only lost once.
In his fight against illiteracy.
I can relate.
I fought that foe and lost many times.
Oh, Marge isn't at home! Homer, focus! Moe, I'm starting to have grave doubts about this thing I've barely liked in the first place.
Come on, Homer, we can make it all to the quarter finals for the eastern division class B over 35 amateur grouping.
Sorry Moe, the place for my arms is around my wife.
Homer, come back! Homyou got my teeth whitening system in your suitcase! Let's see.
What would be a good duet, hm "Just the two uf us", "You and me against the world", "Ebony and ivory".
"Ebony and ivory"? I'm afraid that song is taken by me and my mother.
And people say when we're on stage, it's more like "scary-oke".
Scary talented, I assume.
I'm singing a song with Bart tonight.
Capital! My mother and I are been performing together since I was in 4th grade and it's really brought us closer.
Seymour! Where were you? A brightly colored car hurt my eyes! Don't worry mother, I have your eye balm in my man purse right here.
Good boy! You can push your crib in the mommy's room tonight.
It's not a crib, it's a cot! If it has a rail, it's a crib! Where is my John Wayne? Where is my preries' sun, Where is my happy ending? Where have all the cowboys gone? You know mother, I wasn't sure about tonight.
But seeing us dressed the same, really feels right! Well I'm not so sure about the bells on the painter's pants.
Are you kidding, I love my tinkles! Next stop on the Springfield elementary karaoke showcase is Skinner! And Mrs Skinner! Ebony and ivory live together in perfect harmony Side by side on my piano keyboard, oh lord, why don't we? Íooooo! Stop the showcase! Mrs.
Simpson, please! Hush up, Seymour! She's just saying what we're all thinking.
Mother, what are you doing? Don't call me mother, my name is mom.
And my son is no mama's boy! Bart, you're a wild hack razor, and I don't want to see you turning to that! What? A wall? Mom, I thought this is what you want it! Your job isn't to worry about me, it's to give me things to worry about.
Hey losers, I'm gonna do to you, what you did to this songs! Interpret them artistically? Die, die, die! We were gonna sing "My Sharona".
Sweet home Alabama, where the skies are so blue! Sweet home Alabama, Lord, I coming home to you! Alabama! Marge, spending time with you is more important to me than all the pie eating contests in the world! I thought that was arm wrestling! I was in the pie eating contest, then on the way home.
Now let's go to bed.
Oh my little pretty one, my pretty one, When you gonna give me some time, Sharona? Uh, you make my motor run, my motor run, Gun it comin' off the line Sharona Never gonna stop, give it up.
Such a dirty mind.
Always get it up for the touch of the younger kind.
My my my my my woo! That song is the pop music footnote! I didn't say stop! M-m-m-my Sharona.