'Til Death s01e22 Episode Script

I like Christian.
Um, he likes to play with my hair all the time.
I think it's because his mom has long blond hair.
I think I'm a substitute for his mother.
I'm not getting married, and I don't like anyone, and I never will.
* All right! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Well, I'm just saying I understand why the horseshoe is lucky.
But I'm confused about the rainbow.
Well, I mean, I guess you're lucky if you see one, but a rainbow in and of itself, not lucky.
Oh, that's nice.
Well, then don't put a number on the box if you don't want to hear my comments.
Eddie, it is your first day of summer vacation.
Go back to sleep, lie diagonal, feel the thrill of having your whole body on a bed for once.
You know I hate summer vacation.
Oh! Here we go.
No, no.
It's got no structure, no purpose, and daylight savings is relentless.
The sun is still up at 9 p.
m.
I feel so awkward drinking.
That's why I drink in the basement.
Nobody knows what time it is.
Think of me.
Hey! Hey! Hey! There she is.
What are Look at you.
Hi, baby.
Hi, honey.
Oh, my gosh.
Hi, Dad.
I thought freshman girls were supposed to gain 15 pounds.
I know.
I drink a ton of rum every night, but nothing.
This is such a surprise.
I thought you were gonna take the train tomorrow.
Oh, I was, but I caught a ride home with Doug.
Hey, hey, Mr.
Stark, Mrs.
Stark.
I thought you two broke up.
Oh, we did, but we got back together in the van on the ride home.
Fantastic.
I think Allison and I will always be those kind of lovers.
You know, we love each other.
Then we go away, and we love other people, and we come back to love each other again.
Doug, I'm about to break your hands.
I'm sorry.
I have to go to work, honey.
You're not pregnant, right? No.
Okay.
Great.
I love you.
Bye.
Anyway, Daddy, Doug is having a problem with his van, and I was sort of thinking that maybe he could stay here until the part that he needs arrives.
And how long would that be? Seven to 12 business days.
Oh, no, no.
That's a no-go, Doug.
You see, because there are barely enough toilets in here to accommodate me.
Well, actually, sir, I was gonna stay outside in the van, and as far as the facilities go, I eat very clean, so I metabolize about 93% of what enters my body orally.
You know? I'm not even gonna ask how you measure that.
Well, I could teach you, if you have some baggies and a postal scale.
Huh? No, Doug.
Will you wait for us outside? What are you What Daddy, please.
He'll sleep in the van, and I'll be in here, and we'll just hang out.
I promise.
You won't even know he's here.
Fine! Yes.
Uh, I couldn't help but overhear the good news.
Thank you, sir.
Um, do you have a three-pronged outlet for my heat lamp? I got, like, some chickens outside that are three days away from hatching.
* All right! * Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Good morning.
Sweetie, you're on summer vacation.
Why are you still dressed like a vice-principal? Well, I still have a lot of forms to fill out, and the uniform keeps me on my game.
But I am paying homage to summer by sporting a thinner sock.
Hey, sweetie, look, I know you're working on your thesis, but would you mind if I use your desk for, like, 10 minutes this morning? Desk? Yeah.
Your desk in the living room.
Oh.
You mean my puzzle table? Sweetie, we, uh We bought you that desk so you could work on your thesis about the French Revolution, remember? Oh, yeah, yeah, right, right.
Yeah.
I know.
It turns out I don't really get my best work done at the desk per se.
It's all yours.
Okay.
Where you going? I'm going back to bed.
You sick? No, I'm fine.
Sometimes, I go back to sleep after you leave for work.
Really? Yeah.
You get up early, dude.
Thank you.
Looks delicious.
Oh, yeah.
Doug makes the best blended infused teas.
Yeah.
The secret is fresh mint.
I grow my own right on the dashboard.
Hey.
Hey, Jeff.
Hey, Allison.
Friend.
What's going on, honey? Mmm.
I was just about to start my walk when I heard this really intense whirring sound.
You know I can't say no to anything that comes out of a blender.
Yeah.
Hey, do you plan on getting any work done today, or Oh, I am working.
This is part of my process.
In 19th century Paris, the bohemian lifestyle was a direct result of the disenchantment with the ruling class.
This drink is way too thick for the straw.
What's wrong? Oh, oh, nothing.
It's just You know, sweetie, on the surface, this doesn't really look like a traditional academic setting.
This actually looks more like a bunch of lazy people living outside of a van.
But, hey, hey, what do I know, right? Hey! What are you doing? It's cool, man.
Just give in to my touch.
No! No.
No! I got to go.
Wow.
Your gay brother's really uptight.
What happened? Your Dad cut the juice.
Not cool.
I'll go talk to him.
No, no, no.
I'll talk to him.
I sense we had a pretty strong spiritual connection.
I don't think you do.
You know what? Let me.
I'm pretty good at conflict resolution.
I watch, like, three hours of judge shows a day.
Hey, Eddie.
I was wondering if you might plug our blender back in.
How about no? Look.
I know you're probably upset that Allison has taken a lover with a van.
But I got to tell you, I've been with a lot of guys in a lot of vans, and that one's actually pretty nice.
We get it.
You're a dirty girl.
All I am saying is, Doug's a great guy.
Allison's happy.
You must remember what it was like to be young and in love in the summer.
Well, I do have one nice memory of Joy and me at a water park in 1982.
She lost her tube top going down the Splash-alanche.
There you go.
Come outside.
Have a drink with us.
It's summertime.
I hate summertime.
Maybe you should just try to relax.
No.
Why not? Because I don't know how.
Okay? Is that what you want to hear? I don't know how to relax.
Now, please, just leave me alone.
You know what? I can't do that.
Because I know that inside that mean and hairy man is a slightly less mean but just as hairy little boy who wants to come outside and play.
Come outside and play, little Eddie.
Okay.
Good.
Good.
Okay.
Now.
I'm gonna plug this back in.
Okay? Yes! That's it, baby.
Now, you're gonna take my hand, and we're gonna go outside.
But I'm not wearing shoes.
Where we're going you don't need shoes.
What is that, some kind of marinade? It's a Brazilian dry rub.
Uh-huh.
Skynyrd.
I love Lynyrd Skynyrd.
They're like Zeppelin for rednecks.
Rednecks.
Yes.
High beams, man, high beams! Morning! If they've eaten all my French bread pizza, someone's going to hell on a rocket! Son of a I did not know that you could brush your teeth with dirt.
Hey, sunshine.
Eddie.
Yeah? What happened in here? Well, I have to say this does look a lot messier than it did in the dark.
But, listen, I do not want you to lift a finger because I'm gonna hit this really hard in, like, seven hours.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Careful.
You're about to walk into pudding.
All right.
I'm gonna have to crash.
Night-night, everybody.
Sweetie.
Hey, I haven't had a chance to catch up with you since you got home.
Do you want to have a little cup of coffee with me before I go to work? Yeah.
That'd be great.
All right.
Okay.
So, freshman year.
I want you to tell me everything.
I want to know who's sleeping with their professor.
I want to know which girls you hate.
Tell me.
Okay.
Okay.
That was good.
Good talk.
Yeah.
Good talk.
And I'm in pudding.
Okay.
Fire on the lawn.
This can't be legal.
No disrespect, Mrs.
Stark, but fire was here long before man's laws.
Come on, Mom.
Sit down, grab a couch cushion.
Oh, my God! My couch cushion! Hey, maybe we should play Joy her song.
Yeah.
Oh! You've written a song.
Yeah.
Okay.
It's called Shalamar.
Great.
It's about fiery woman named Joy and her fiery horse Shalamar.
All right.
Hit it, Doug-mo.
* It was a sad and lonely sunset * A whisper of a star * There was a fiery woman named Joy * And her fiery horse named * Shalamar Doug-mo! Okay, okay.
Okay.
That was very touching.
Also very loud.
I am starving, okay? I haven't eaten anything all day, so come on.
Let's go have dinner, everybody.
Oh.
You know what? We had lunch at, like, 5 p.
m.
Hey.
Hey.
Guess what? I had couscous.
FYI, it's not rice.
It's tiny pasta.
And there's some more if you want some.
There should be some on the counter.
It has cranberries in it.
* Cranberries * I got cranberries at the store * Made couscous at 4:00 * I hope I haven't lost you * It's teeny, tiny pasta * Cranberries * Well, you know your pasta * Hey.
Hold on.
Is anyone writing this down? Yeah? Hey, Jeff.
Hey, Joy.
Listen, apparently, Steph and Eddie and the kids aren't gonna be eating dinner till sometime tomorrow morning.
The only thing left in my kitchen is the five packets of soy sauce that came with the house.
So I was wondering if I could join you.
Oh, yeah, please.
Okay.
I haven't had a meal with another adult since my wife started behaving like she lives in Spain.
I know, it's just It's crazy, right? I'm not the only one.
I mean, I wanted Eddie to enjoy the summer, but this is just annoying.
He's walking around with this strange look on his face.
His lips are curled up, and you can see his teeth.
I don't know.
He's smiling? Yeah.
Well, at least Eddie will go back to work.
You know, I'm starting realize that Steph doesn't do anything and she never has.
It's like all she does is sleep and look at the VW website.
She has built her own Jetta 147 times.
You know what the worst part about it is? I can't get that song Shalamar out of my head.
Oh, right.
That song about me and my horse? They told me that Shalamar was my horse.
Oh, that really sucks! Hey.
Hey, brother man.
Is Steph around? Because the gang wants to play Frisbee golf around the neighborhood.
I'm sorry, Eddie, but Steph cannot come out and play today.
Wow! Captain Bringdown has spoken.
It's summertime.
Come on.
Lighten up.
No, you know, she's got $68,000 in student loans, and so far, the only thing she's written in her thesis is, "The French Revolution was " And then there's a doodle of some kind of space man.
Well, so what? I mean, come on.
What do you really think her earning potential is anyway? I really can't imagine The History of the Powdered Wig By Steph Woodcock flying off the shelves like Harry Potter.
It's not about the money, Eddie.
She's got to learn to finish what she starts.
Oh, okay.
I get it.
So you're everyone's vice-principal.
Hey.
That's not fair.
All right.
Well, listen.
I'm gonna tell you something.
You may find this hard to believe, but you and I, we're pretty similar.
Of course, you're shorter, girlie-voiced, and you have the tiniest little hands I've ever seen on a man.
What was the similar part? Okay.
You and I, we're both pretty uptight, you know, tightly wound.
I mean, before, I wasn't even able to enjoy summer vacation.
But after Steph came over, I'm twirlin' around on a hilltop like Julie Andrews.
Listen, my point is, you don't want to change that girl.
She's good for you.
She might not be ambitious, but she's fun and spirited.
And you're not.
Okay, think about it.
Legend has it he died in the cornfield, but some people say he survived that silo explosion.
I even heard a rumor that he settled down around these parts on a street very much like this, and every year around this time, he comes back, looking for a warm fire and wondering, "Who took my hand?" Okay.
You got me.
You got me.
Good one.
Good one.
Hello.
Oh, hey.
Jeff, what the hell are you doing here? I mean, I thought we both agreed that this was ridiculous.
Well, it was until I had a birch beer and heard a ghost story.
Hey, Doug, do your thing.
Just give in to my touch, let your shoulders breathe.
All right.
Back off, Doug.
Why do you bring anger here, Joy? Why do I bring anger here? Eddie, I have been killing myself at work every day while you all have been doing drum circles and eating couscous with cranberries.
* Cranberries All right.
Wait a minute.
This is what you wanted.
You wanted me to have fun.
I know, but it's not fair.
I mean, I have had to go to work, and it is hard enough without having to pass by a production of Hair every time to do it.
I'm jealous, okay? So join us.
I have a job.
I can't.
Says who? Says the three banks who own our house.
Uh-huh.
Listen to me.
Summer vacation is a state of mind, Joy.
Come on.
It's just one night.
Do not pick up that phone.
Don't do it.
Come on.
It's Friday.
It's Tuesday.
You serious? Mom, no.
Don't answer it.
We want you to hang out with us.
Joy, come on.
Come on.
Listen.
Listen.
Listen to me.
Do you remember quite a few summers ago when you lost your tube top at Splash-alanche? Huh? Good times.
Yeah.
I want you to lose your tube top tonight.
Right here in front of the kids? Metaphorically.
And then maybe later literally.
All right.
I'm on summer vacation, damn it.
Okay.
Yay! What The battery's not gonna explode, is it? I don't know.
Maybe.
Come on.
Pour me some sangria and teach me the words to Shalamar.
Ah! Now you're talkin'.
* It was a sad and lonely sunset * A whisper of a star * There was a fiery woman named Joy Jeff! * And a horse called Shalamar * Shalamar * Ride, little pony, ride * Hey, yeah, yeah * Yeah, that little pony would ride * Ooh * It's a little pony from heaven *