'Til Death s04e11 Episode Script

Ironically in Stockholm.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I was recruited for my demolition skills, but I stayed for the sex.
Really? Yeah.
Yeah.
There was this guy named helmut there Who could pound a 10-penny nail into a diamond And he didn't need a hammer if you know what I mean.
I think I do.
Till one day, he was out back working the hot mop up On the roof of the operations barn And somebody put a 22mm parabellum slug through his left temple, And, you know, I tell ya.
It just stopped being fun.
You are kinda kooky there, aren't you, Ms.
Duffy? Little bit.
Your husband had a lot to do with that.
He made me kinda wacky.
So Can I have the day off tomorrow? Oh, yeah! Sure.
Sure.
I'm in this for the long haul.
Okay.
Thanks.
You know, your husband is very lucky to have you in his life.
In fact, you're the best thing in it.
Thank you.
Hey, have you ever kissed a girl? Think about it.
Think about it.
Get back to me.
Hey.
There's my lady.
Shall I get you your fuzzy slippers and perhaps some bon bons? I just sat down.
I unloaded the dishwasher.
My gosh.
You must be exhausted.
Maybe I can get madam an ass-pillow.
Stop it.
Listen I just read this great review of new philly-style italian restaurant.
Oh yeah.
What's it called? "Spaghettaboutit.
" Spaghettaboutit? Sounds classy.
Maybe we can check it out.
Great.
Hey, how about after the baseball game tomorrow? Oh, honey that reminds me.
I know this is awful but I can't go to the game.
What? We bought those tickets That's our game.
I know it is, honey.
But principal dimbulb, the evil one, Has scheduled a parent/ teacher conference With me and the new exchange student.
Yeah.
I had to go in there today to ask her for a sick day! That woman isCrazy.
And I think she wants to kiss me.
Pick one.
Stop! I want to go to the game.
Honey, I would love to.
But this exchange student is a mess.
He's terrified by electricity.
We turned the lights on in the classroom, he shrieked and ran out.
Apparently he thought the sun had fallen.
Oh my God! I told him to get a hold of himself.
They should have spent more time assimilating him.
Where's he from? North dakota.
Anyway, honey, I can't go to the game.
I'm sorry.
It's our annual Mets-Phillies game.
I know it is.
I was going to paint up my face and everything.
You're just gonna have to go without me.
Why don't you get one of your friends to tag along? No.
That's no fun.
I guess we'll just have to wait till next year.
Sorry, honey.
I can't help it.
What are we going to do with the tickets? Oh, I don't know.
I was thinking of maybe giving them to dimbulb As a peace offering.
Maybe they'll give her a paper-cut and she'll bleed to death.
See, I made lemonade.
Good morning my lovely.
I woke up with a toothache.
I just made an appointment with the dentist.
Oh, I'm sorry! Isn't that ironic.
Yesterday you called in sick and today you are sick.
You shouldn't feel bad.
You can't make the game anyway.
I guess everything happens for a reason.
Shalom, amigos! Then explain him.
So, you still insane, Doug? You still think that we're all living in a sitcom? Yeah.
Why else would I enter a room and say "shalom amigos"? In fact, I predict that at some point in the next 20 minutes a random black guy is going to pass by and say, "white people crazy".
Which, I'd like to point out, is a weary trope.
So, how many drugs did you do down there in south america? They weren't drugs.
They were frogs.
And you didn't "do" 'em.
You lick 'em.
So, kiss a frog, get a prince.
Lick a frog, you get a putz.
Speaking of licking frogs, anyone want some breakfast? I'll have some.
No.
No.
No.
We don't have time.
Gotta get to that protest.
I see.
And what glorious, enjoyable thing are you protesting this week? Well, there's this beautiful tree over on elmwood street That the city wants to chop down, and we're going to stop them.
That's right.
We're going to occupy that tree.
And we're going to save it.
Good for you.
That always works.
Good morning, Mr.
Stark.
I brought you some homemade cookies.
Why? Even monsters deserve a treat now and then.
Plus, I didn't want to see them go to waste.
Me and the cats are all on a diet.
The Michigan police aren't looking for a skinny girl.
Hey, listen, are you a baseball fan? No.
No! Thanks to you, I lead an entirely joyless existence.
But hopefully someday, you will, too.
Because you have destroyed yet another innocent life, Mr.
Stark.
What did I do now? Well, I understand that you gave some advice to our exchange student? I just told him to get a hold of himself.
Well, he did.
In front of the librarian.
Now he's in jail and Mrs.
Easterbrook is in shock.
And having been in both, I can tell you neither one is a lot of laughs.
Well, look! I'm sorry to hear that.
But what does that have to do with me? I forgot.
It's all about you, isn't it? Your parent-teacher conference has been canceled.
Oh, well, that's a shame.
Indeed.
By the way, why did you ask me if I was a baseball fan? I was just wondering if we possibly had a mutual point of interest.
Really? Are you interested in untraceable, exotic poisons? No.
Good to know.
Hey, I can still make the game.
By the way, Joy, you have never looked lovelier.
What's that? Would I like a beer? Well, I would love one.
Thank you.
Let's be quiet now.
The game's about to start.
I got it! I got it! Careful, kids! I got it! First pitch of the game.
I got it! Look at that.
Hey, babe! Hey, you.
How are you? I've got a surprise for you.
You know how badly we wanted to go to the game? Well, I recorded it so we can watch it together.
Well, honey, you know what? I heard the score in the car on the radio.
So there's My God, do you look dashing tonight.
You know what I'd like to do? I'm going to take you out to dinner to the place you were talking about spaghettaboutit.
No.
No.
No! I didn't hear the score.
And look, I made hot dogs so it would feel like we were right there.
Watch this.
Peanuts! Get your peanuts! Wow.
That was very authentic, actually.
But you know, I'm bushed.
Let's go to bed! Eddie.
Eddie, it's 5:00.
You're being ridiculous.
Come on.
We're going to watch this game.
You know I hate to miss the first pitch.
First pitch? So, here it comes.
Wow, that was unexpected.
What's gotten into you? Just a little burst of love.
But it's over now, so we can watch the game.
I missed the first pitch.
Yeah.
And I know.
And I bet it was a good one, too.
Well, let's just see.
That's what I love about tivo.
- What? - Rewind.
Oh, for God's sake! Stop it! What? Is that you? What? I That is you, Eddie! That is not me! If anything that is that is a less handsome version of me - It's weird! - You went to that game! No, I didn't.
How could I have gone to the game if I'm sitting here with you right now watching me catch a foul ball? What is that in your pocket? Nothing.
I'm just glad to see ya.
Do you really think that I'm that stupid? I'm hoping.
Start talking, pal.
All right.
Well the thing at the school was canceled.
All right? And I knew you were unavailable because you were at the dentist.
So, I went to the game.
And I caught this.
Isn't this great? No.
No.
It is not great.
It is not great at all.
Did you even think about calling me to see if I was available? But I knew you weren't available.
Well how did you know, if you didn't double-check? Double check? What are you, the airlines now? I gotta call you to reconfirm so I don't get bumped? You are not going to get bumped for a very long time.
Come on! It's Beautiful, isn't it? It's fantastic.
I feel like I could touch the sky.
I feel like an eagle.
How's it going? Great, rainbow.
Hey, listen, can you stick around for a little bit? I need to go to the anarchists' meeting.
Those people get crazy if you're not there right on time.
Well, then you'd better get a move on.
The last thing we need are more pissed off anarchists.
Peace out.
Peace out.
Peace out.
It's really getting chilly.
Oh yeah! Good point.
There you go, big girl.
What about me? You should've brought a sweater.
You know You know what, Doug? I think I'm gonna go home and get one.
Okay.
Man, white people crazy! Did anyone see that? Am I the only one who saw that? Hey, how you doing? Shut it.
Okay.
Listen! Joy, I think you would've done the same exact thing.
I absolutely would not have done the same thing.
I never would have gone to that game without you.
You just don't want to be with me.
I sure don't wanna be with you right now.
You didn't even ask me how the dentist was! All right, listen.
I know this isn't going to sound genuine, but How was the dentist? Awful.
Look, honey Don't "honey" me.
Okay.
Not a problem.
Joy, I think you're missing the big picture here.
Really, Eddie? Tell me, what is the big picture? Picture is I caught a foul ball, which is a big thing in a guy's life.
And I think you should be happy for me.
You know what, maybe you're right.
Maybe we have had enough togetherness.
I'm going to start doing things on my own, too.
Like what? Today, I'm going to go shopping.
Then I'm going to take myself to a movie.
There's this new one about 3 women who get stuck in an elevator And they talk about love, birth and their period for 21/2 hours.
It's called Sure hate to miss that.
Well, you're gonna.
You know what, honey? This might not necessarily be such a bad idea.
We have to look at ourselves like we're 2 trees living next to each other.
But our branches our intertwined.
But we're still separate units.
Maybe is we move even further apart, we might thrive even more.
Okay.
I think you're a little off here and there About trees being able to move, But, hey, I like what I'm hearing.
We'll see.
Hey.
There you are.
Come on.
Let's go.
We gotta get to the tree.
Screw the tree.
I was freezing cold yesterday and you gave your precious ecuadorian shawl To that hunk of wood? She was cold.
Okay.
Let's just get it all out on the table, shall we? Number 1 If you care more about plants than you do about me, Then you can go sleep with one.
Number 2, stop all the craziness about being in a sitcom.
The form is dead.
Try to find one that works that doesn't have charlie sheen in it.
Nowadays it's all reality shows and fat people falling into mud.
And, finally, you gotta get your priorities straight.
I need to be number 1, Doug.
Because if I'm not number one, You're going to be sitting in a big pile of number 2.
All right, all right.
I'm sorry.
Sometimes I get carried away with stuff.
In this case, I was looking at the tree You're my forest, ally.
I'm not sure I like that analogy, but I'll take it.
I love you.
I love you, too.
All right.
That's lunch.
We're gonna go to the tree.
And we'll be back in an hour.
Okay? Hey, how was the movie? Spectacular! Unbelievable! The special effects were off the chain.
Off the chain? Yeah.
There was this geek sitting behind me who kept saying that.
Then he would snort laugh.
Funny.
There were special effects in a chick movie? No.
No! That movie wasn't playing.
So, I went to see this other one.
It was about robots coming from the future to kill clive owen.
Robots from the future? You went to see terminator 5.
I wanted to see that movie! Yeah.
I know.
You know what wasn't in that movie? No foul balls.
Okay.
And there it is! The fog lifts.
A little tit for tat, Joy? I have no idea what you are talking about, Eddie.
You know exactly what I'm talking about.
This is just payback for the ball game.
No.
I am merely celebrating our separate-but-equalness.
Burns, doesn't it? Like the clap on the 4th of July.
Come on.
You want to do things on your own, Go ahead.
Be my guest.
By the way, it also applies to sex.
Sex alone? I've been handling that job for years.
Ya heard me.
What happened? Shelly passed during the night.
That's terrible.
Who's shelly? The tree.
The city sent their jack-booted thugs to murder her Under the cover of darkest night, didn't they? The city didn't do this.
Some idiot wrapped shelly in an Ecuadorian hemp shawl, and she got jinky mites.
You know what jinky mites are, Doug? No.
They're a voracious, tiny South American arbivore.
Every tree in this neighborhood is going to die.
Perhaps every tree in Philadelphia.
Maybe even the entire eastern seaboard.
Whoever did this is a monster.
Yeah.
Oh, my God! Doug, that was your Greatest fear.
That this noble tree would fall to disease.
I can't look at her like this.
Ally, let us go mourn in private.
There's no coffee.
Yeah.
I only made one cup.
Thought maybe you'd want your own independent coffee.
You didn't leave me an egg? Lay one.
Okay.
So, we're gonna be doing everything for ourselves? Is that the little dance we're going be doing for the next day or 2, Joy? Seems to be.
Fine.
Fine.
Okay.
Look, this is stupid, honey.
And we're not stupid people.
Come on.
Eddie, you hurt my feelings the other day.
I wanted to go to that game, and I didn't want you to go without me.
I mean, maybe that sounds petty to you, but that is the way it is.
We go to the one game a year.
That's our game.
You're right.
And I'm sorry.
Really.
Sorry for going to that movie, too.
I know this is the part where we're supposed to kiss and make up But still annoyed.
Okay, Joy, I don't want you to be annoyed.
Because left untreated, annoyance because irritable spouse syndrome.
And nobody needs that.
Come on, I want to make it right.
Tell me, what's really bothering you? You know what's really bothering me? It's that you weren't honest with me.
That's worse than the whole game thing.
You're right.
And you know what? I'm telling you right now it will not happen again.
Promise? Cross my heart.
And hope to die? Can't take it that far.
All right, so we'll both try a little harder? Deal.
So, we're back to doing things together? Reunited? Reunited, and it feels so good.
Reunited and we're understood, yeah, there's one perfect thing, and sugar, this one is it we both are so excited, 'cause we're reunited, hey, hey! Hey, honey! What are you doing? How would you like to grab some lunch? Oh, you already ate? All right, well, I just wanted to run it by you.
I don't want a repeat of our little problem.
We're a team, now, baby.
All right.
Oh, I'll just probably I don't know Maybe just do a drive through, you know, grab a burger.
Yeah! Okay.
Well, enjoy your pedicure.
Love you.
Reunited 'cause it feels so good.
Reunited and it's understood, there's one perfect thing, and sugar, this one is it we both are so excited 'cause we're reunited, hey, hey! You're crazy.
We like to sing.
Typical sitcom ballpark.
The lighting's all wrong.
And I've seen that kid in a macaroni commercial.
But I'm the crazy one.
See you at lunch then, okay.
Oh, okay! Well, you betcha, 'cause it's hoagie day today! Hoagies.
Listen, I know this isn't going to sound genuine, but Genuine?