The Munsters (1964) s01e02 Episode Script
My Fair Munster
[Thunder Crashing.]
[Wolf Howling.]
Thanks, Jack.
I've had a wonderful evening.
This is where you live? Yep, this is it.
Come on in and have a cup of coffee? I want you to meet my aunt and uncle.
Well, I, uh I guess I could walk you to the front door.
[Howling Continues.]
[Thunder Crashing.]
Sure you won't change your mind and come in? I don't think so.
It's pretty late.
[Whispering.]
What's the matter? Lose your keys? No.
I probably just left them in my other purse.
Oh.
[Whispering.]
Why are you whispering? I don't want to wake your folks.
Oh, don't worry about them.
They're always up all night.
[Loud Footsteps Approaching.]
Someone's coming.
Hello, Marilyn.
Hi, Uncle Herman.
Uncle Herman, I'd like to have you meet my date.
This is [Tires Screeching.]
Oh, Uncle Herman.
What's the matter with me, anyway? Well How's the game, Grandpa? Oh, I've got him this time! I've really got him! [Caws.]
At the sound of the tone, it'll be 8:09.
Nevermore.
Nevermore.
[Glass Shattering.]
Your move.
Oh, you you You fell right into my trap.
?? [Humming.]
[Seething.]
Eddie! What are you doing in that fireplace again? - You know you're not supposed to sit in a draft.
- Oh, I'm having fun.
Eddie, don't talk fresh to your mother and come out of there.
Gee.
Now, you be a good boy.
See? Mommy sewed the ear back on your Woof-Woof.
Gee, I don't want to go to bed yet.
It's still dark out.
Eddie, you will do as you're told.
Aw, you're always picking on me.
You never holler at Marilyn that way.
Just never you mind about Marilyn.
You must remember she's not as fortunate as the rest of us.
Now you get on up to bed.
And don't forget to close the lid.
Night, Eddie.
I just came down to say good night.
You got home early, dear.
Did you have a nice time? [Clearing Throat.]
Yes, I guess so.
Would you like a little something to eat? I have some warm ladyfingers In the oven.
No, thank you, Aunt Lily.
Night, everybody.
Good night, Marilyn.
- Night, Grandpa.
- Good night, darling.
Marilyn I hope you're not going to start that again, Herman.
Well, she's your niece, you know.
She's your sister's kid.
Nobody on my side of the family ever looked like that.
It's just one of those unfortunate things that happen.
Poor dear.
I wish she'd get married.
We could use some fresh blood in this family.
We'd all like to see her get married.
But she just doesn't seem to be able to hold a man.
Well, if you don't do something about it soon, we'll have her on our hands forever.
I have to do something about it? Why always me? It's enough I have to go out and scare up the rent every day.
You think you're the only one who works hard? How would you like to have to clean nine rooms and a dungeon every day? Will you stop the arguing? There's enough noise in here to wake the living.
Grandpa, we just don't want to see Marilyn end up an old maid.
All right.
All right.
I'll take care of it.
I'll get her a suitable beau.
You? How are you gonna do it? Well, don't you worry about it.
Why, in the Old Country, whenever we needed a man, didn't I always manage to dig somebody up? Hmph! [Coughing.]
L l-I thought he was gonna get a fan down there.
[Igor Screeching.]
?? [Humming.]
No, not now, Igor, please.
Go away.
Go away.
Not now.
[Chuckles.]
Now, let's see what we have.
"Poison apples, poison bananas, poison fruit salad, poison enchiladas.
" Hmm! "Poison TV dinners.
" Hmph.
"Poison.
" Now, why are you showing me poisons, huh? Can't you understand English? "Potions," I said.
"Potions.
" Love potion, please.
Thank you.
Aha! There it is.
"To win the love of man or maid, "quaff this potion unafraid.
"To have the lover of thy choosing, shake the bottle well ere using.
" Now, the first thing to do is Ah, yes.
Yes, yes.
Sift in a cup of powdered whale heart.
?? [Humming.]
A teaspoon of nightingale tongues.
?? [Humming.]
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
A pinch of hexachlorophene.
?? [Humming.]
A touch of Frank Sinatra.
And now, for the secret ingredient a woman's tears.
Ooh, that's mighty powerful stuff! ?? [Humming.]
Ah.
Now.
If I could just get Marilyn to drink this potion, why, every man who sees her will fall in love with her.
Oh, I tell you if this stuff turns out half as good as the batch I made for Elizabeth Taylor, why, then Marilyn will be irresistible! [Doorbell Rings.]
Oh, it's you, Mr.
Bloom! Oh, yes.
It's me, all right.
I thought it might be them.
Since they moved in, one has to be prepared for anything.
Oh, you don't have to tell me, Mrs.
Cribbins.
Smell this.
What is it? Garlic.
Wards off evil.
Does it work? Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, indeed.
Keeps their kind away.
Yes, well, I can understand why.
I mean, did you ever see the wife? She's not exactly what I'd call a live one.
Mmm, you can say that again.
And the one they call Herman.
He has the kind of body you expect to see fall out of a closet.
And this was such a nice neighborhood until they moved in.
Well, I suppose there's no use putting it off any longer.
I've gotta deliver a package over there.
Oh, by the way, what are those workmen doing out in your backyard? Installing an electric fence.
Those Munsters are not running me off my property.
But I don't want them wandering over here, if you know what I mean.
Keep them in their place.
That's the ticket, Mrs.
Cribbins.
Good morning.
Morning.
What's that? Oatmeal.
[Groans.]
Oatmeal! Blech! Why can't we eat like we did in the old days? Oh, uh, is this Marilyn's bowl? Yes, of course.
She always sits there.
Might as well start without them.
You know, I, uh I don't feel so hungry right now.
I think I'll grab something later in the laboratory.
Grandpa! You know you're not supposed to smoke before breakfast! Morning, Aunt Lily.
Good morning, dear.
I'm late.
I gotta run.
I'll grab a cup of coffee at the school cafeteria.
Oh.
Very well, dear.
Uh, try not to get home before dark.
Bye.
Oh, dear.
Everything's ice cold.
Morning, Mom.
Morning, Eddie.
Morning, dear.
Good morning, dear.
Isn't Marilyn coming down to breakfast? Oh, she's already left.
Oh.
Well, that's just as well.
I wanted to speak to you about her anyway.
Oh, you mean about her problem with boys? Yes.
You know, Lily, I think it's partially our fault.
What do you mean? Well, maybe we should try and be more friendly with people.
You must admit that ever since we moved into this house, we've hardly had anything to do with the neighbors.
They must think we're terrible snobs.
If we don't make an effort to be a little more friendly with the people in this community, we're never gonna attract any young men to this house.
Well, for Marilyn's sake, I'll try.
Good.
That's the spirit.
Mmm.
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Lily, it just came over me.
You've never looked more lovely.
Strange.
I was just thinking how particularly handsome you looked this morning.
Isn't anybody gonna say how lovely I look? [Wind Howling.]
I think there's someone at the front door.
Well, whoever it is, try and be a little bit more friendly.
Of course.
Oh, if you're looking for me, I'll be out back watering the weeds.
- Yes? - Um [Clears Throat.]
Eh A A package.
Uh, s-sign here, please.
Thank you.
Well, hello there! I'm Mr.
Bloom, your postman.
Mind if I ask you a question? Not at all.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Is it gonna be much longer? Uh, uh, may l May I be of some assistance? [Cries Out.]
Mr.
Bloom! Please! Call me Warren.
Warren, please! Call me Tiger.
[Growls.]
Ooh! I must look a fright.
Oh! Not at all, Mrs.
Cribbins.
Yolanda.
After all, we are neighbors.
All right.
Yolanda.
My friends call me Yo-Yo.
- Yo-Yo? - What is it, darling? Oh, my darling! My darling! I love you! I love you! - [Pounding On Door.]
- [Pounding On Door.]
[Girls Screaming.]
I can't understand the way that mailman carried on.
Perhaps I used too much perfume.
And that Mrs.
Cribbins, the way she went for me.
[Chuckles.]
Maybe I just came on too strong.
A little bit of that old Munster charm goes a long way.
I can't imagine what he sees in me.
After all, I'm not exactly a schoolgirl anymore.
Are you kidding? Hah! Why, Lily, you're as lovely today as the day I married you.
Oh, and you're just as handsome.
You know, they just don't make men like you anymore.
[Knocking.]
Come in.
Will somebody please tell me what's going on around this madhouse? What are you talking about? Mmm! What am I talking about? Here.
I'll show you.
Come with me.
[Guitar Strumming.]
[Mr.
Bloom.]
? Can it be the trees? ? That fill the breeze? ? With rare and magic perfume? It's Tiger! ? Oh, no, it isn't the trees? ? It's Warren Bloom? Poor devil.
You'd better go down there and straighten him out.
I'll straighten him out.
No, no, Grandpa! I'll go down and talk to him.
Oh, and Herman, you might as well go over and have a little talk with Mrs.
Cribbins.
She's been calling every 10 minutes.
Oh, and whatever you do, let her down easy.
Be kind to her.
All right.
But don't expect too much.
Uh, the woman's mad about me.
?? [Continues.]
? That fill the breeze? [Crash.]
[Mr.
Bloom Yelps.]
Well, hello there.
Mrs.
Cribbins.
Hello there.
I was just on my way over to see you.
Oh, you naughty boy.
You promised to call me Yo-Yo.
Well, Yo-Yo Uh, Yo-Yo? Hmm? Feeling better, Mr.
Bloom? Oh, yes.
Dear me, yes.
Much better now that you're here.
Oh, wait, now, Mr.
Bloom.
That's just the sort of thing I want to talk to you about.
Herman! Wait for Yo-Yo! You really must control yourself, Mr.
Bloom.
Lily! Lily! Excuse me.
My husband needs me.
I need you more! Don't leave me, my pet! Herman, wait for Yo-Yo.
! Darling.
! My sweet.
! I love you.
! Don't you understand? [Mrs.
Cribbins Exclaiming, Indistinct.]
[Mrs.
Cribbins.]
You will love me! Boo! [Screams.]
No, my pigeon! You bring out the beast in me! [Growls.]
[Knocking.]
Front door! [Knocking Continues.]
Ohh! Will somebody please get that door? Herman! Lily! Herman, wait for Yo-Yo! [Grumbling.]
No respect for old age.
Sorry, Grandpa.
I forgot my key.
Oh, I'm not surprised.
Nothing that happens around here surprises me.
Oh, uh, incidentally, how did your date go tonight? I think this one really likes me.
He's asked to see me again.
Of course.
That stuff never fails.
What stuff? Oh, just a little something I put in your oatmeal this morning.
Love potion.
Makes you irresistible! But, Grandpa, I didn't have any oatmeal today.
Well, don't worry.
I'll mix up another batch for you tomorrow.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry, Grandpa.
Don't you see? This means he likes me for myself.
Oh, well, but even so, a little magic now and then never hurts.
Grandpa, there's more than one kind of magic.
Hmm.
If Marilyn didn't get it, I wonder who did.
I love you! [All Shouting, Indistinct.]
[Herman.]
Control yourself! [Thud.]
I think I'd better go to my room.
That stuff s gonna wear off, and it's gonna be any second now.
Darling, darling.
I love you, my darling.
I love you with every fiber of my being.
[Speaking French.]
Eee! [Exclaiming.]
[Screaming.]
?? [Whistling.]
Well, dear, think we let them down easy enough? [Both Chuckling.]
Grandpa? Did you get rid of the rest of that love potion like I told you to? [Chuckles.]
Yes, I got rid of it.
I don't like the way you're laughing, Grandpa.
Just how did you get rid of it? I, uh, threw it over the fence into Mrs.
Cribbins's garden.
I think I got her right in the cabbages.
It was very nice of you to come over this evening, Mr.
Bloom.
Frankly, since that terrible experience, I've been afraid to be alone.
Well, it was very nice of you to ask me, Mrs.
Cribbins.
We bachelors don't get a home-cooked meal very often.
Well, I hope you enjoy what I've cooked, Mr.
Bloom.
Oh, I'm sure I will, Mrs.
Cribbins.
Would you like a sniff, Mr.
Bloom? Well, what is it, Mrs.
Cribbins? Corned beef and cabbage the cabbage right out of my own garden, Mr.
Bloom.
Yo-Yo, call me Tiger! [Growling.]
Well, I guess it takes all kinds of people to make a world.
[Wolf Howling.]
Thanks, Jack.
I've had a wonderful evening.
This is where you live? Yep, this is it.
Come on in and have a cup of coffee? I want you to meet my aunt and uncle.
Well, I, uh I guess I could walk you to the front door.
[Howling Continues.]
[Thunder Crashing.]
Sure you won't change your mind and come in? I don't think so.
It's pretty late.
[Whispering.]
What's the matter? Lose your keys? No.
I probably just left them in my other purse.
Oh.
[Whispering.]
Why are you whispering? I don't want to wake your folks.
Oh, don't worry about them.
They're always up all night.
[Loud Footsteps Approaching.]
Someone's coming.
Hello, Marilyn.
Hi, Uncle Herman.
Uncle Herman, I'd like to have you meet my date.
This is [Tires Screeching.]
Oh, Uncle Herman.
What's the matter with me, anyway? Well How's the game, Grandpa? Oh, I've got him this time! I've really got him! [Caws.]
At the sound of the tone, it'll be 8:09.
Nevermore.
Nevermore.
[Glass Shattering.]
Your move.
Oh, you you You fell right into my trap.
?? [Humming.]
[Seething.]
Eddie! What are you doing in that fireplace again? - You know you're not supposed to sit in a draft.
- Oh, I'm having fun.
Eddie, don't talk fresh to your mother and come out of there.
Gee.
Now, you be a good boy.
See? Mommy sewed the ear back on your Woof-Woof.
Gee, I don't want to go to bed yet.
It's still dark out.
Eddie, you will do as you're told.
Aw, you're always picking on me.
You never holler at Marilyn that way.
Just never you mind about Marilyn.
You must remember she's not as fortunate as the rest of us.
Now you get on up to bed.
And don't forget to close the lid.
Night, Eddie.
I just came down to say good night.
You got home early, dear.
Did you have a nice time? [Clearing Throat.]
Yes, I guess so.
Would you like a little something to eat? I have some warm ladyfingers In the oven.
No, thank you, Aunt Lily.
Night, everybody.
Good night, Marilyn.
- Night, Grandpa.
- Good night, darling.
Marilyn I hope you're not going to start that again, Herman.
Well, she's your niece, you know.
She's your sister's kid.
Nobody on my side of the family ever looked like that.
It's just one of those unfortunate things that happen.
Poor dear.
I wish she'd get married.
We could use some fresh blood in this family.
We'd all like to see her get married.
But she just doesn't seem to be able to hold a man.
Well, if you don't do something about it soon, we'll have her on our hands forever.
I have to do something about it? Why always me? It's enough I have to go out and scare up the rent every day.
You think you're the only one who works hard? How would you like to have to clean nine rooms and a dungeon every day? Will you stop the arguing? There's enough noise in here to wake the living.
Grandpa, we just don't want to see Marilyn end up an old maid.
All right.
All right.
I'll take care of it.
I'll get her a suitable beau.
You? How are you gonna do it? Well, don't you worry about it.
Why, in the Old Country, whenever we needed a man, didn't I always manage to dig somebody up? Hmph! [Coughing.]
L l-I thought he was gonna get a fan down there.
[Igor Screeching.]
?? [Humming.]
No, not now, Igor, please.
Go away.
Go away.
Not now.
[Chuckles.]
Now, let's see what we have.
"Poison apples, poison bananas, poison fruit salad, poison enchiladas.
" Hmm! "Poison TV dinners.
" Hmph.
"Poison.
" Now, why are you showing me poisons, huh? Can't you understand English? "Potions," I said.
"Potions.
" Love potion, please.
Thank you.
Aha! There it is.
"To win the love of man or maid, "quaff this potion unafraid.
"To have the lover of thy choosing, shake the bottle well ere using.
" Now, the first thing to do is Ah, yes.
Yes, yes.
Sift in a cup of powdered whale heart.
?? [Humming.]
A teaspoon of nightingale tongues.
?? [Humming.]
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
A pinch of hexachlorophene.
?? [Humming.]
A touch of Frank Sinatra.
And now, for the secret ingredient a woman's tears.
Ooh, that's mighty powerful stuff! ?? [Humming.]
Ah.
Now.
If I could just get Marilyn to drink this potion, why, every man who sees her will fall in love with her.
Oh, I tell you if this stuff turns out half as good as the batch I made for Elizabeth Taylor, why, then Marilyn will be irresistible! [Doorbell Rings.]
Oh, it's you, Mr.
Bloom! Oh, yes.
It's me, all right.
I thought it might be them.
Since they moved in, one has to be prepared for anything.
Oh, you don't have to tell me, Mrs.
Cribbins.
Smell this.
What is it? Garlic.
Wards off evil.
Does it work? Oh, yes.
Oh, yes, indeed.
Keeps their kind away.
Yes, well, I can understand why.
I mean, did you ever see the wife? She's not exactly what I'd call a live one.
Mmm, you can say that again.
And the one they call Herman.
He has the kind of body you expect to see fall out of a closet.
And this was such a nice neighborhood until they moved in.
Well, I suppose there's no use putting it off any longer.
I've gotta deliver a package over there.
Oh, by the way, what are those workmen doing out in your backyard? Installing an electric fence.
Those Munsters are not running me off my property.
But I don't want them wandering over here, if you know what I mean.
Keep them in their place.
That's the ticket, Mrs.
Cribbins.
Good morning.
Morning.
What's that? Oatmeal.
[Groans.]
Oatmeal! Blech! Why can't we eat like we did in the old days? Oh, uh, is this Marilyn's bowl? Yes, of course.
She always sits there.
Might as well start without them.
You know, I, uh I don't feel so hungry right now.
I think I'll grab something later in the laboratory.
Grandpa! You know you're not supposed to smoke before breakfast! Morning, Aunt Lily.
Good morning, dear.
I'm late.
I gotta run.
I'll grab a cup of coffee at the school cafeteria.
Oh.
Very well, dear.
Uh, try not to get home before dark.
Bye.
Oh, dear.
Everything's ice cold.
Morning, Mom.
Morning, Eddie.
Morning, dear.
Good morning, dear.
Isn't Marilyn coming down to breakfast? Oh, she's already left.
Oh.
Well, that's just as well.
I wanted to speak to you about her anyway.
Oh, you mean about her problem with boys? Yes.
You know, Lily, I think it's partially our fault.
What do you mean? Well, maybe we should try and be more friendly with people.
You must admit that ever since we moved into this house, we've hardly had anything to do with the neighbors.
They must think we're terrible snobs.
If we don't make an effort to be a little more friendly with the people in this community, we're never gonna attract any young men to this house.
Well, for Marilyn's sake, I'll try.
Good.
That's the spirit.
Mmm.
Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Mmm! Lily, it just came over me.
You've never looked more lovely.
Strange.
I was just thinking how particularly handsome you looked this morning.
Isn't anybody gonna say how lovely I look? [Wind Howling.]
I think there's someone at the front door.
Well, whoever it is, try and be a little bit more friendly.
Of course.
Oh, if you're looking for me, I'll be out back watering the weeds.
- Yes? - Um [Clears Throat.]
Eh A A package.
Uh, s-sign here, please.
Thank you.
Well, hello there! I'm Mr.
Bloom, your postman.
Mind if I ask you a question? Not at all.
Do you believe in love at first sight? Is it gonna be much longer? Uh, uh, may l May I be of some assistance? [Cries Out.]
Mr.
Bloom! Please! Call me Warren.
Warren, please! Call me Tiger.
[Growls.]
Ooh! I must look a fright.
Oh! Not at all, Mrs.
Cribbins.
Yolanda.
After all, we are neighbors.
All right.
Yolanda.
My friends call me Yo-Yo.
- Yo-Yo? - What is it, darling? Oh, my darling! My darling! I love you! I love you! - [Pounding On Door.]
- [Pounding On Door.]
[Girls Screaming.]
I can't understand the way that mailman carried on.
Perhaps I used too much perfume.
And that Mrs.
Cribbins, the way she went for me.
[Chuckles.]
Maybe I just came on too strong.
A little bit of that old Munster charm goes a long way.
I can't imagine what he sees in me.
After all, I'm not exactly a schoolgirl anymore.
Are you kidding? Hah! Why, Lily, you're as lovely today as the day I married you.
Oh, and you're just as handsome.
You know, they just don't make men like you anymore.
[Knocking.]
Come in.
Will somebody please tell me what's going on around this madhouse? What are you talking about? Mmm! What am I talking about? Here.
I'll show you.
Come with me.
[Guitar Strumming.]
[Mr.
Bloom.]
? Can it be the trees? ? That fill the breeze? ? With rare and magic perfume? It's Tiger! ? Oh, no, it isn't the trees? ? It's Warren Bloom? Poor devil.
You'd better go down there and straighten him out.
I'll straighten him out.
No, no, Grandpa! I'll go down and talk to him.
Oh, and Herman, you might as well go over and have a little talk with Mrs.
Cribbins.
She's been calling every 10 minutes.
Oh, and whatever you do, let her down easy.
Be kind to her.
All right.
But don't expect too much.
Uh, the woman's mad about me.
?? [Continues.]
? That fill the breeze? [Crash.]
[Mr.
Bloom Yelps.]
Well, hello there.
Mrs.
Cribbins.
Hello there.
I was just on my way over to see you.
Oh, you naughty boy.
You promised to call me Yo-Yo.
Well, Yo-Yo Uh, Yo-Yo? Hmm? Feeling better, Mr.
Bloom? Oh, yes.
Dear me, yes.
Much better now that you're here.
Oh, wait, now, Mr.
Bloom.
That's just the sort of thing I want to talk to you about.
Herman! Wait for Yo-Yo! You really must control yourself, Mr.
Bloom.
Lily! Lily! Excuse me.
My husband needs me.
I need you more! Don't leave me, my pet! Herman, wait for Yo-Yo.
! Darling.
! My sweet.
! I love you.
! Don't you understand? [Mrs.
Cribbins Exclaiming, Indistinct.]
[Mrs.
Cribbins.]
You will love me! Boo! [Screams.]
No, my pigeon! You bring out the beast in me! [Growls.]
[Knocking.]
Front door! [Knocking Continues.]
Ohh! Will somebody please get that door? Herman! Lily! Herman, wait for Yo-Yo! [Grumbling.]
No respect for old age.
Sorry, Grandpa.
I forgot my key.
Oh, I'm not surprised.
Nothing that happens around here surprises me.
Oh, uh, incidentally, how did your date go tonight? I think this one really likes me.
He's asked to see me again.
Of course.
That stuff never fails.
What stuff? Oh, just a little something I put in your oatmeal this morning.
Love potion.
Makes you irresistible! But, Grandpa, I didn't have any oatmeal today.
Well, don't worry.
I'll mix up another batch for you tomorrow.
I'm sorry.
Don't be sorry, Grandpa.
Don't you see? This means he likes me for myself.
Oh, well, but even so, a little magic now and then never hurts.
Grandpa, there's more than one kind of magic.
Hmm.
If Marilyn didn't get it, I wonder who did.
I love you! [All Shouting, Indistinct.]
[Herman.]
Control yourself! [Thud.]
I think I'd better go to my room.
That stuff s gonna wear off, and it's gonna be any second now.
Darling, darling.
I love you, my darling.
I love you with every fiber of my being.
[Speaking French.]
Eee! [Exclaiming.]
[Screaming.]
?? [Whistling.]
Well, dear, think we let them down easy enough? [Both Chuckling.]
Grandpa? Did you get rid of the rest of that love potion like I told you to? [Chuckles.]
Yes, I got rid of it.
I don't like the way you're laughing, Grandpa.
Just how did you get rid of it? I, uh, threw it over the fence into Mrs.
Cribbins's garden.
I think I got her right in the cabbages.
It was very nice of you to come over this evening, Mr.
Bloom.
Frankly, since that terrible experience, I've been afraid to be alone.
Well, it was very nice of you to ask me, Mrs.
Cribbins.
We bachelors don't get a home-cooked meal very often.
Well, I hope you enjoy what I've cooked, Mr.
Bloom.
Oh, I'm sure I will, Mrs.
Cribbins.
Would you like a sniff, Mr.
Bloom? Well, what is it, Mrs.
Cribbins? Corned beef and cabbage the cabbage right out of my own garden, Mr.
Bloom.
Yo-Yo, call me Tiger! [Growling.]
Well, I guess it takes all kinds of people to make a world.