9JKL (2017) s01e14 Episode Script

1 - Hey, Judy.
Have you ever noticed - Hmm? that my plate is different from the others? Uh, that's because the original four came together.
You know, a complete set.
Mom, I just ran into your internist, Dr.
Thomas, on the street.
Oh.
I just had an appointment with him last week.
He said he retired five years ago.
- Well, now I've been caught in a lie.
- Hmm.
Wait a minute.
You haven't been to the doctor in five years? I don't like doctors.
I am a doctor.
Well, for you, I try to make an exception.
Okay.
I am going to pull some strings and get you an appointment with the best internist in the city.
Fine.
I'll go.
Great.
And because I know you have no intention of going, I will be taking you.
Okay.
Kids, I have an exciting announcement.
After working full-time for 40 years, I've finally decided to scale back at the office.
That's right.
From now on, your father has Fridays free.
All right, Dad.
- Good for you.
- Good for you, Harry.
That's so great, Dad.
You and Mom can go see matinees, have long lunches, take walks in the park.
Oh, no, no, no.
We learned a long time ago that our relationship works best when Mommy gets a little time away from me.
Keeps things fresh.
Kept things very fresh this morning.
- Ugh, God.
- Why? Oh, careful, Eve.
You don't want to break your special plate.
JOSH: So, Dad, tomorrow's your first free Friday.
What are you gonna do with it? Well, I thought I'd spend it with you, if you're free.
(LAUGHING): Is Josh free? (LAUGHING) Oh, I'm sorry.
I thought I thought you were making a joke, Dad.
Hey, hey, hey.
Just 'cause I'm an actor with a flexible schedule, doesn't mean I'm free.
- Are you? - Yes.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home? Okay, Mom.
I pulled some strings.
I got you an appointment 10:00 Monday morning with the top internist in the city, Dr.
David Starnes.
I don't like him.
You don't know him.
I don't like doctors.
I am still a doctor.
And like him or not, you haven't had a physical in five years; we're going.
What a first day off.
I haven't been to Coney Island in forever.
Who knew we could ride the Cyclone that many times? Who knew we'd want to? Harry, that thing is not staying here.
Oh, I'm gonna give it to Wyatt.
Oh, good.
We'll give it to him together, that way he'll think it's from both of us.
Thanks again for today, Joshie.
- It was the best.
- (LAUGHS) Aw.
It was the worst.
- All right.
- We were supposed to have a quick lunch at the diner downstairs.
Six hours later, we've been to all five boroughs.
You know what doesn't go over well in the Bronx? Two grown men walking around with a giant stuffed bear.
Well, at least it's over.
Oh, it's not over; it's just beginning, because Dad wants to hang out every Friday.
Yeah.
He called us "Friday Buddies.
" - I mean, I have a life.
- Ha.
Good one.
Look, just be honest.
Tell him you don't want to hang out.
I can't.
I don't want to hurt his feelings.
I just have to find something for him to do every Friday, like a hobby or a 6,000-piece puzzle.
Well, I'd tell him the truth.
He can take it; he's a big boy.
I couldn't give him up.
Oh, Andrew, thank God.
I am so sorry, David.
I got word in the waiting room my mother's not being a very good patient.
STARNES: She won't let me take her blood.
And she hissed at me.
I don't care for your tone or your cold hands.
You know what? I'm gonna give you two a minute.
I'm gonna go call my mother and thank her for living in Arizona.
What? Don't look at me like that.
I'm not comfortable with a complete stranger sticking a needle in me.
Okay.
Would it make you feel better if your son drew your blood? Which son? I was thinking the one that went to medical school.
Ugh.
God.
When did you become so scared of a little blood draw? It's not that.
What is it? It's Suzanne Baker.
Who is Suzanne Baker? (SIGHS) Suzanne Baker was the picture of health.
Then she went in for a routine checkup and six months later, kaput.
Okay.
Well, I'm sorry about your friend, but No.
She wasn't my friend, she was a miserable drunk who once hit on your father, but she was a cautionary tale.
You know, you get to a certain age and Look, if something really is wrong, I don't want to know, okay? Mom, if something is wrong, we need to know.
- You think something's wrong?! - No.
No, I don't.
Look, Mom, when I was little and scared of getting a shot, you told me your love is so big, it would protect me from all my fears.
I was a wonderful mother.
(SIGHS) Well, now it's my turn.
- (INHALES) - Mom.
My love is so big, it will protect you from all your fears.
(CRYING): Oh, Andrew.
That's not gonna cut it.
What else ya got? I'll tell you what I got your blood.
Wait a minute.
Did you just emotionally manipulate me to get what you want? Sure did.
That's my son.
(BOTH LAUGH) Hey, next Friday, I thought we could go ice-skating, and then we could - kill some time and then - Actually, Dad, I think you should use your Fridays to explore any interests you may not have had time for in the past.
Well, we could take a pottery or a cooking class, and then we could make the pots that we put the food in.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure, but I was thinking more of an individual passion, you know? What's something that you've always wanted to do? Nothing comes to mind.
Okay, well, let's think about it.
I mean, you could find your passion in the most unexpected ways.
Like, for me, you remember in high school, I needed an elective and everything was full except drama, and then, bam, I discovered I loved acting.
- Okay, I'll do that.
- Do what? Be an actor.
Sounds fun.
Oh, no, no, no.
That was just a personal example from my life.
Well, I'm in.
Everyone says that you get your acting talent from me.
You're the apple and I'm the tree.
Okay, sure.
I mean, acting is something you can do on Fridays.
How does it work? I mean, should you set up a meeting with your agent? How about you start with an acting class? Great idea.
Fasten your seat belts, because Harry Roberts is landing in a theater near you.
Acting and stewarding.
I just combined two of my passions.
All right.
Great.
- Hey, Mom.
- (DOOR CLOSES) I brought you some ice cream and your favorite cookies.
Why? Did my test results come back? What's wrong? Can't a son come home in the middle of the day for dessert with his mother? Not unless he's my other son who has less to do.
All right.
Get it over with.
Tell me.
Everything is fine.
(SIGHING): Oh, thank God.
(CHUCKLES) But there was one blood test that came back slightly elevated.
Okay.
There it is.
It's happening.
It's just your potassium levels.
They're slightly high, which could have been caused by any number of reasons, including how the blood was drawn.
Oh, see? I knew that doctor was an idiot.
I was that doctor.
Oh.
Anyway, we just need to draw some more blood so they can retest it.
I'll do it tonight when I get back from work.
- Sure, if I'm still around.
- Mom.
Relax.
And whatever you do, for God sakes, do not go on the Internet and start self-diagnosing.
Oh, what are you, crazy? I don't even know how to use the Internet.
Oh, my damn, Mrs.
Roberts.
It could be any one of these things.
Oh, my God.
My days are numbered! Hey, hey, hey.
Don't you give up on me, okay? We can beat this.
How? Mexico.
Yeah, they do all sorts of cutting-edge stuff.
My grandpa got LASIK there way before they even knew it worked.
Yeah? How did it turn out? Real wonky.
I'm scared, Mrs.
Roberts.
All right, Dad.
Here we go.
I don't know, Josh.
Maybe this wasn't a good idea.
Everybody looks so sophisticated and funky.
- Dad, you're just a little nervous.
- I'm not nervous.
Then why are you holding my hand? I didn't know I was doing that.
Look, it's gonna be okay.
First days can be hard.
That's true.
I remember your first day in kindergarten.
You were crying and you wouldn't let go of Mommy.
Actually, Mom was crying and wouldn't let go of me.
Come on.
Let's introduce ourselves to the teacher.
- Hello, there.
- Hey.
Hello.
I'm Harold Roberts, and it's a pleasure to meet you.
Harold Roberts.
Look at you with your bow tie and handshake, so wonderfully formal.
But here in our studio, we are much more open.
We hug.
Oh, this is nice.
Very different from law school.
You're right.
This is very different from law school.
It's time to set you free, Harold Roberts.
Ha! Dad, are you okay? I'm more than okay, Joshie.
I've been set free.
Hey, Judy.
I think I left the baby monitor there it is.
Eve, you're a doctor, right? We both know that I am.
I'm trying to find out something for a friend who needs medical advice.
Is it a big deal if you have hyperkalemia? It can be.
I mean, your friend might have diabetes, heart problems, kidney failure.
Ah.
And I suppose it gives you great pleasure to tell me that I'm dying? You? You just said it was for a friend.
Oh, come on.
When someone asks something on behalf of a friend, the friend is always the person.
High potassium readings can happen for many different reasons.
- I'm sure you're fine.
- I have too much to live for.
The best husband, two wonderful sons, a beautiful grandson.
Those four matching plates.
Yes.
And the thing that's right in front of me.
- Really? - This perfect apartment.
The reviews are in, Joshie.
Harry Roberts is a star! So acting class was a success? The teacher said that I had and I quote "raw talent.
" (CHUCKLES) Does this mean that you're going back next Friday? Absolutely.
I've already been assigned my first character, Frank Tumbleweed.
He's a traveling salesman with a dark past.
Well, pass the popcorn, 'cause I'm watching.
We're doing method acting.
Have you ever heard of method acting? Dad, I'm an actor.
Of course I've heard of method acting.
It's when you're in the character the whole time.
You eat, breathe and live it.
And-and you don't come out of it, no matter what.
Who knew acting was such hard work? I did, on account of me being an actor.
I'm gonna get into my character.
- Say good-bye to Harry Roberts.
- (CHUCKLES) Good-bye, Harry Roberts! (KNOCKING) I'm Frank Tumbleweed, a widower who moves in with his son.
Okay, here we go.
This will only take a few I hit a parked car in 1988 and I didn't leave a note! What? I want to make my amends and go out with a clear conscience.
Mom, you are not Oh, and your guinea pig didn't go live on a farm.
I accidentally drowned it while giving it a bath.
- You killed Jeffrey? - I thought he could swim! Please say you forgive me.
- I do not forgive you.
- (SOBS) And we are just rechecking your potassium.
My jewelry is hidden in vases all around the apartment.
I want it all to go to you.
- Really? - Yes.
Because you were born in place of the daughter I always wanted.
(SOBS) Mom, these blood tests come back wrong all the time.
You know what was wrong? When I stole my best friend Tina's boyfriend, Ira, in college.
Sure, she had bosoms that wouldn't quit, but I had a pizzazz that was very rare in those days.
Hey, guys.
What's going on? Mom has to redo a blood test.
- Is everything okay? - Yes.
No.
Well, Dad wants to move in with me because he's playing the role of a widower.
Yeah, I heard.
It's a case of life imitating life.
Dad is moving in with you? Yeah, he's method acting.
(CHUCKLES) You had a problem and you made it worse.
Listen, my darling sons, please, grant your mother's last wish.
Don't tell your father I'm dying.
He'll worry so.
You're not dying.
Oh, yes, just like that.
Only let Josh do it he's the actor.
- How you doing, Dad? - I miss Mommy.
Great.
You should go home and be with her.
I can't, son.
She's been dead for years.
Oh, I get it.
You're in character.
Your mother had character.
I wish I hadn't spent all that time on the road.
But people needed their vacuums.
All right, Frank, time for bed.
I'm not tired.
I wish your mother was here to make me some warm milk.
Are you talking about Mom or Mrs.
Tumbleweed? I don't even know anymore.
(KNOCKING) Hey.
Got a minute? Sure.
What's up? I'm dying.
Can I come in? Okay.
Eve, I haven't always been the best mother-in-law.
Whatever comes next, I will remember this moment.
I want you to have this.
- A matching plate? - Mm-hmm.
You said it only came in a set of four.
Well, before I knew I was dying, I lied to you all the time.
It's from Crate and Barrel.
They got a million of 'em.
(CHUCKLES) Thank you, Judy.
- And - Yeah? I want you to know that when I'm gone, I'm grateful that Andrew and Wyatt have you to take care of them.
I think Andrew chose wisely.
Wow.
I-I can't tell you how much that means to me.
- Also - Yeah? I think we should hug.
Oh.
Okay.
Uh Should you sit back down or do I stand? - Well, why don't you stand? - I'm already up.
Yes.
Okay.
- I'm glad we're doing this.
- Me, too.
- I'm comin' in.
- Okay.
(CHUCKLES) I think we built it up too much.
Josh, how's your mom doing, man? That is one brave lady.
You know she's not really dying, right? That's the spirit.
- Keep hope alive.
- (SIGHS) My problem is not my mother it is my father.
- Oh, you mean Frank Tumbleweed? - Yeah.
Poor dude.
I'm starting to think he's never gonna get over losing his wife.
Yeah, well, I couldn't bring a date home last night because Frank was on the phone cold-calling to get some vacuum leads.
Well, if you don't want him there, then why don't you just ask him to move back home? Because home is a small town in Ohio with one stoplight, a drugstore, and a lot of broken dreams.
Gotcha.
And I don't want to hurt his feelings.
Hey, family needs to talk about their issues, Josh.
Otherwise, you build up resentment.
It's like my Aunt Nita and my cousin, Monroe.
What happened with them? They didn't talk about their issues and they built up resentment.
Are you not listening to me right now? Hey, Dad.
Can we have a li Oh, my God.
Did a very specific tornado hit my apartment? I discovered the irony of being me, Frank Tumbleweed.
I sell vacuums but I'm also a slob.
(SIGHS) Okay, can I talk to my dad for a second? I'm really glad that you've found your passion.
Well, I wouldn't say that selling vacuums is my passion.
- Dad.
Okay.
- Yes, Frankie Jr.
? Look, I need you to break character for a minute so we can have a real conversation.
Oh.
Okay.
(SIGHS) Okay, I'm gonna be honest.
I'm not loving you living here.
Why didn't you say something? I didn't want to hurt your feelings.
Don't be silly.
You can always be honest with me.
- Really? - Absolutely.
I'll leave right now.
Wow.
Dad, thank you so much.
Oh, and I'm ready for you to set up that meeting with your agent.
- What? - I think I'm ready to discuss the next phase of my acting career.
Okay, well, um, - in the spirit of honesty - Yes? The truth is, acting was just a fun little thing for you to do 'cause I didn't want to have to hang out with you every Friday.
Well, in that case, I think I'll go.
And, in the spirit of honesty, I think you should clean up your apartment.
It's disgusting.
And that's when I realized that sometimes you need more than a powerful vacuum to pick up the pieces of your life.
That was transcendent.
Chills.
I have them.
But you got to clean up the peanut shells.
Okay, everybody, see you next week.
- Can I help? - What are you doing here? I came to apologize for what I said last night.
There's honest and then there's hurtful.
And the thing is, I just watched your whole performance, and, honestly, you were great.
- I was? - From the apple to the tree, you really were.
I was, wasn't I? I didn't know where I ended and Frank began.
You guys were, like, one and the same.
Next week, I'm gonna be playing Clive Bigglesworth, a repressed butler who lives to serve and serves to live.
Does Clive live with his wife? He does.
She's a sturdy woman.
Then I can't wait to meet him.
Hey, maybe I could come watch Clive in action next Friday? Will you be free? (LAUGHS) That time, I made the joke.
(CHUCKLES) Andrew, look, I've got my own plate.
I'm part of the complete set.
That is great, babe.
Although it's strange to me how much you want in to this family.
Hello, Tina? This is Judy Roberts.
Tina, remember your old boyfriend Ira? Oh, he's your husband now? You might want to pour yourself a scotch.
She's still making amends? She has been on the phone all day.
She really thinks she's gonna die.
But she's gonna be okay, right? I'm very sorry.
My pizzazz got the best of me.
Oh, Tina, I have to go.
My doctor's calling.
- It's Dr.
Starnes.
What do I do? - Well, answer it.
I can't.
I'm scared.
What if it's bad? It's okay.
We'll all do it together.
- Yeah, that's right.
- (SIGHS) (CRESCENDOING): Hello? Oh, God.
I don't know why I answered like that.
- I'm nervous.
- Hi, Mrs.
Roberts.
Your second test came back and And what? Sorry, just taking a bite of sandwich.
Everything's normal.
- (SIGHS) Everything's - Oh! - Oh! - Thank you, Dr.
Starnes! I'm normal! - Thank God.
I knew it.
- (STAMMERS) - I know.
- Oh.
- That's so wonderful.
- Aw, darling.
My turn.
(BOTH CHUCKLE) God, I hope she stays healthy for a long, long time.
I know, 'cause this is really weird.
La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la La, la, la, la, la, la, la, la, la Come on, won't you take me home?