The Venture Bros (2003) s03e09 Episode Script

MAN: Gentlemen,
welcome to Spider-Skull Island!
And to the first ever
Summit of the Fraternity of Torment!
May our hatred bind us together
always in villainous brotherhood.
Hatred for the cruel society
that once mocked us for our differences.
Man-o-taur your size made you
an outcast among men
but now they fear you.
- Brainulo, your deformity has--
- It's not a deformity!
Oh. Yeah.
Your heart wrenching
addiction to plastic surgery has--
I was born like this--
1 ,000 years from now!
Right, OK.
Screw your brotherhood, Scaramantula.
I came here in a robot!
The only reason I've deigned
to ally my superior mind
with this syndicate of smallbrains
is to exact revenge upon Dr. Venture
for stranding me here in 1 9-shitty-9!
We'll get to that.
But first we must give
a warm Fraternity of Torment welcome
to our newest member, Dr. Fangdragon.
No doubt your supernumerary nipple
made you a pariah
in your childhood village of
Japan-inowa?
Yes. That's why I'm all evil now.
And I hate Dr. Venture!
As do we all,
my thoroughly Japanese friend
who is easily-- easily-- six foot two.
But I have a plan to eliminate Venture
once and for all!
Behold!
If Venture does not
surrender to us within the hour
we will feed his boy
to my ravenous piranhas!
Alright! Alright!
Fantastic!
Classic! I'll bet I know
what Dr. Venture will say
when he gets a load of that!
What is that, my uncharacteristically
hirsute Asian comrade?
Go, Team Venture!
Ah!
What? Ah!
Go, Team Venture! ! !
No, no, no! Wait, wait!
Aw, come on!
GENTLEMAN: Have at you!
Ha! Ha!
[ Grunting ]
Futuro!
Squash them like the bugs they are!
Go Team Venture!
Action!
Action! Action!
Action! Action! Action!
Whoa, whoa, whoa, Rodney!
What are you doing?
What? I'm winning the day!
Well, take it down a notch.
I mean, Ook-Ook is a mindless savage
and even he knows
when to pull his punches.
Ook! Ook!
My chest hurts.
[ Groans ]
My tongue is too big for my mouth.
Take five, Humongloid.
You've fought bravely.
Oh, yes yes.
[ Mumbling excitedly ]
[ Woman on PA
speaks foreign language ]
What the devil is that?
Italian!
It's a self-destruct countdown.
Aw, why they always gotta pull that?
Fan out, Team Venture!
We've got to find that bomb!
[ Electricity crackles ]
Huh. False alarm.
So
you fellas think
that champagne's still cold?
[ Laughter ]
Say, Dickie!
Get a picture of us
in our new headquarters, will ya?
You betcha, Doc!
OK, everyone!
Say "Go, Team Venture!"
Go Team Venture!
And that's how Dad
captured Spider-Skull Island
and so I can think
of no more fitting home
for the Jonas Venture Junior
Museum of Jonas Venture.
[ Up-tempo music ]
[ Male voices arguing ]
Alright, simmer down!
I'm warnin' ye!
If ya don't quit yer bickerin',
I'm turnin' this vessel around!
I remember
when
this was all under water.
Yeah, it's always sad when that happens.
JONAS: A little souvenir
from one of Dad's very first adventures.
This is the real "atomic secret"
the Rosenbergs
tried to sell to the Russians.
[ Slight laughter ]
Will you excuse me, gentlemen?
BOTH: Hi, Uncle J.J.!
Hello, boys. Say, Brock?
My bartender whips up
a Shirley Temple that's out of this world!
Maybe you should take the boys?
Oh, yeah, yeah. Sure.
C'mon, boys lets go wet
our non-alcoholic whiskers.
Score!
You're late.
And I told you it was black tie.
- This is.
- That means formal evening dress.
Not a Scooby-Doo purple suit
with a clip-on that happens to be black!
Dean thought I looked nice.
We're representing Dad here!
Show some dignity.
- I don't think he's going to mind.
- Well, I mind!
Practically everyone
Dad ever worked with is here.
Great. I'm gonna have to talk to
the Harlem Globetrotters again?!
Sir, there's a disturbance in the hangar.
I'm busy, tell the captain to take care of it.
SCARAMANTULA: I bet you wondered
how I managed to escape all those times
or how I kept my trim figure?
Now all my secrets are revealed, huh?
[ Laughter ]
[ Heavy breathing ]
Geez, you'd think
he could have built an elevator in here.
An escalator. A ramp!
Anything!
He once built a machine
it spun steel like spider's silk.
Beautiful in the sunlight
the silvery web.
Ho! Two at a time!
Like it was yesterday!
Come on, Team Venture, winded so soon?
I'm gonna kill him.
I swear--
I got plastic knees, you son of a bitch!
[ Chaotic yelling ]
Richard!
Youmade it.
H-hello, again Jonas.
Yay! Super-car! Go car!
I won't let you keep her, little man
- Pardon?
- N-nothing.
[ Laughs ]
It's all just like it was!
- Wonderful!
- [ Groaning ]
Welcome home
to Spider-Skull Island, gentlemen!
Ah geez!
What the hell are you?!
Oh, how impolite of me.
I'm Jonas Venture Junior.
I'll show you to your table.
Captain? Couldja be a pal
and tell Sally the Professor's arrived?
Iwhoo! Just gimme
a minute here, will ya?
Oh, and take
Ned with you, wouldja?
Thanks, Cap.
Alright there, big fella.
Time ta get out of the flyin' car
Come on, now, Ned,
don't make this--
Yarrr! ! ! !
Humongloid!
- Long time no see, pally!
- Fellas, thank God.
Listen, do any of you need a roommate?
S'matter? Ain't there enough room
for you at the Venture compound?
[ Wry laugh ]
The compound's fine but those kids
keep trying to
flush me down the fucking toilet!
They think I'm the Ty-D-Bol man.
Yeah, they're not exactly
the brightest bulbs on the ol' Menorah.
[ Struggling ]
Yes!
Told ya! Pay up!
Hey, there, Miss Sally,
the chairman asked me to--
- Jeepers!
- [ Sally screams ]
Aaaah! !
[ Continues screaming ]
Yaarrr! !
Sorry! Sorry.
Geez, this is all kinds of uncomfortable.
On, like, a couple of levels here.
So, uh, whaddya think?
Pretty impressive set-up, huh?
Yeah, it's only missing one thing.
Chicks?
Not-deformed guys?
I'll give you a hint--
who was, for 43 years
the only son of Dr. Jonas Venture?
Who, from the ages of 3 to 1 7
accompanied him
on hundreds of adventures
the chilling memories of which
rouse him from sleep
in a cold sweat to this day?
Oh, speaking of which didja get a look
at that ice sculpture at the bar?
Yeah, I got one just like it
in bronze on my front lawn.
- Why?
- Yeah, you should eh
go check it out.
Hello, Richard.
Sally! I, eh
Did you bring the divorce papers?
Ithink I left them in my other s-suit.
Dammit, Richard. Never mind.
- Wait!
- I have a copy upstai--
Wait!
Take me back, Sally.
Richard, no.
We've been through this.
I worked too much. I realize that, now.
I-I-I'm learning to have more f-fun.
See, look?
Hey, hey!
Pull yourself together,
Richard, you're a mess.
Myer girlfriend
likes my hair this way.
She's young, and, eh
we're getting a boat!
No, that's a lie.
You know me so well.
[ Sighs ]
Gimme another double sidecar.
No, no, no, Paulo!
The canapes come out now.
I can't believe you invited him!
What?
Who, Richard?
He was in the boys' brigade!
[ Laughter ]
Ned! No! No, Ned, no!
Captain!
Do something about that!
I'm not finished with you.
Man-howdy, you would have loved it!
Friday night, we'd fly down to Cuba
arch Castro for a couple of hours
then swing up to the
White House for "debriefing"--
which was Jack's code
for one of his legendary pool parties.
- Right, right.
- 'Round 2:00, we'd jet over to Vegas
in time to catch
Frank's last show at the Sands!
Then bingo-bongo,
down to Cocoa Beach
to whoop it up
with the Mercury Guys.
- Right.
- What a pisser!
Hey, what's that guy's story?
He one of you, too?
Nah, that's Brainulo,
one of our old nemeses.
'Claimed he was some kinda
super-genius from the future. I don't know.
Super-senile now if you ask me.
QUIZBOY: Oh. My. God.
You're the Action Man, aren't you?!
Action! ! !
This is unbelievable!
Can I get your autograph?
Sure thing, Venturoo.
Who do I make it out to?
Holy crap, you're all here!
Man, I don't know if I brought
enough-- White!
How much cash
do you have on you?
WHITE: You told me it was open bar!
What're you guys charging? 1 0? 20?
- No, son, we--
- Will you take a check, please?!
I'm a friend of Rusty's!
CAPTAIN: Ned, no!
Leave him be
and put yer pants on.
Yer makin' people sick!
Sorry there, fella.
Ned, come back here!
You were trying
to command Futuro!
A-Are you my mommy?
Stop faking.
You're not senile, I saw you!
Alright, fine. Now be quiet about it!
I want to lull the puny-minded Ventures
into a false sense of security
that I may strike
when they least expect it!
Can I help you?
I hate what they've done
to this room.
Very well.
Tonight, the Fraternity of Torment
will have its revenge!
Go, Team Venture!
Oh, those diabolical
sons of bitches!
No, no, see-- there's four here
the eyebrows are five and six
and the moustache,
she makes eight legs.
Eh? See? Tarantula
- Scaramantula!
- Ohhh.
God, I always wondered
about that. Thanks!
Could you sign it, too?
You were like my favorite
villain ever.
No offense.
It's a big head thing.
Vanish!
This is what you call vengeance?!
It's killing them
our line is longer than theirs!
Look how they keep looking over! Oh!
Oh, hey, Rusty!
For you, no charge!
I just came by to say how glad I am
you were all able to make it out
to gorge yourselves on free shrimp
in my fathef's honor.
OK, Doc--
Too bad your old pal
Colonel Gentleman couldn't be here
to bask in the glory with you--
Ohor did you guys
get him killed, too?
[ Gasps ] It's the ghost
of Colonel Gentleman!
That's for breaking
my stepdaughter's heart!
Hey, hey, now
Don't try it, Prince Adam!
This old panther's still got moves
that'll make your mullet spin!
But you're supposed to be dead.
Nonsense, I'm an ox!
But we poked you and everything.
Oh, that was you?
Kiki told me someone had been
in the flat while he was gone
We'd had our rows before
but I'd never seen him like that.
A taut, brown spitfire--
strafing me with recrimination
and Mumsy's china.
When he walked out my door
I thought
"this time, you've done it, Gentleman.
"He's left you for good."
So I buried my grief
in an entire box of Malomars--
with a Yoo-Hoo chaser!
Well, you boys must have
happened upon me
whilst I was in the throes
of a diabetic coma.
Ohh.
Thankfully, Kiki soon came
to his senses
and he crawled back to the best
god damn thing
that ever happened to him
[ Inhales sharply ]
Kiki! You've come back to me!
Kiki is so sorry,
Master Gentleman.
That's for givin' me a coma,
ya fickle ponce!
Get up! ! !
I was in desperate need of a good workout.
Gaw!
Blasted Malomars
my tits are back!
And a few poppers later
Kiki gave me one, by God.
And a thousand sweat-soaked
silent sorries later
we were back together.
Anyway, you can read
all about it my memoirs
[ Whimpering ]
Watch out! Incoming frog men!
Wow.
Please don't touch the displays.
RUSTY: Sam in a sweater. Extra ice.
Way to bodyguard.
Well, he wasn't tryin'
to kill ya, so technically
You boys enjoying the party?
Oh don't you even--!
Everything's great, J.J.
- You really outdid yourself.
- Great, great.
Say, can I borrow him for a minute?
There's this picture
I'm just dying to get
while everyone's here--
J.J. I need to talk to you. Now.
- Listen, can it wait, hon'?
- No, it cannot wait!
You've been ignoring me
the entire night!
You never told me you were
inviting Richard, and now he's--
You're obviously upset
and I want to be there for you,
Funnyface.
Just hold that thought
and I'll be back in a mo'.
[ Chuckles ] Promise.
[ Grunts ]
I-I can't believe
you slept with Killer Manjaro.
- I had no idea he was you know.
- Neither did he.
Till the day he tried to ambush me
in the middle of a threesome
with Gore Vidal and Wally Schirra!
Hey fellas, if I could
get you all to gather
in the next room for a moment,
I'd like to-- w-what is this?
Are you selling autographs?
Like gangbusters!
We made table money
in the first five minutes!
Y-You can't do that here--
you're cheapening the memory.
Listen, pot noodle,
we are the memory, OK?
Now I saw your "suggested donation"
box on the way in.
So unless you're giving us
a cut of the door
I suggest you go roust Spiderman
and the Great Gazoo over there.
Look at them!
Ratting us out to the man. Cowards!
Incompetent fool!
The man should be wearing
a rubber ass on his face instead!
But why ally myself with
Scara-mental-case
when there's plenty of evil to work with
right here in this room?
This entire museum
is a psychic powder keg!
All I need do is light the match!
BRAINULO: You want those, don't you?
Take them!
She doesn't love you anymore
and she shan't again.
Feel the burn!
You gotta do somethin', Captain!
Not for nuthin', but
he's drivin' us up a friggin' wall here!
800 napkins, and he makes me
re-fold every last one of them.
"I told you triangles," he says.
And it's the way he tells ya stuff.
Like he's sayin' it all nice
but then he's really
sticking it to ya, like
between the lines.
Look, believe me
I hear ya, little Joe.
But the chairman's been
good to all of us.
He's just under a lotta stress
right now with the openin'.
Things was better before.
Things was better when
you was our leader.
We was stuck in
the Sargassum for ten years.
Yeah, but we was free!
We was pirates!
Now we're nuthin' but a buncha
trained monkeys.
And he's made you
the biggest monkey of all.
No disrespect.
JONAS: Captain?
Captain, where did you get off to?
We're taking the picture!
Alright.
You got it, Hector?
OK, come on in here, Swift!
Where do you want me?
Oh, I forgot, you weren't
in the original.
You want to take it?
I seem to have lost my Captain.
I'm right here, damn it.
Guess I don't need you after all, Rust.
Captain's a heckuva shutterbug
though not a very punctual one.
Oh yah, ya got the shutter speed set
way too low there.
Wait, someone's missing.
Ook-ook!
Captain! Come and be our Ook-Ook.
Ya could photoshop'm in later
Come on, it'll be fun!
Aw, geez Ya mind, Rusty?
Richard! You should take it.
You took the original--
how perfect!
- O-OK.
- Oh, oh wait, Cap.
Take your shirt off and slouch.
You're supposed to be a caveman!
No! I'm not comfortable with th--
Come on, be a sport. It'll be riot!
Look, yer pushin'
me buttons now, chairman.
I've had about alls I can take!
Ya been runnin' me ragged all day
and I'm tired a'bein'
yer dangblasted trained monkey! Eh!
That's for callin'
Ook-Ook a monkey!
Fellers? You were right.
Now who feels like bein'
a pirate again?!
[ Cheering ]
BRAINULO: Khe San, 1 970.
You still hear the cries
of the children
as you burned their village. Work with that!
You fantasize about conquering
the mother from Growing Pains?!
Aw, yeah, that episode
where they showed her
in the bathtub--?
Uh wha, eh.
Sally!
Yes! Here we go.
Sally!
I did it all for you, Sally.
Hoo-- oh.
[ Pirates yelling ]
[ Ned groaning ]
Don't fight! Don't fight, little man!
This is gonna be one of
those "things," isn't it?
Hmm?
I mean, you get a bunch
of shortfused, costumed idiots
together in one room like this
and what do you think's gonna happen?
Any minute now,
stuff's gonna start blowing up
guys'll be throwing each other
into other guys.
- Yeah. Probably.
- Huh.
You know, when you're not
the one in the middle of it all for once
it's actually totally, completely obvious.
Uh-huh. Welcome to my life.
[ Giggling ]
Boys! C'mon, we're going.
Ahoy there! ! !
Listen up, all of ya!
We're takin' this ship! Yar!
Yo ho, ho!
Jinky! It's pirates!
Go, Team Venture!
[ Blows landing, grunting ]
Weee!
Yes! Yes!
Dance, my puppets!
Dance!
JONAS:I never met my father.
All of my memories of him come
from these old films
the items on display here
at the Jonas Venture Junior
Museum of Jonas Venture
and the anecdotes that you,
those closest to him
have been kind enough
to share with me
No! No!
You won't defeat me again, Venture!
Strike them down,
my colossal metal friend!
Now, while
their underdeveloped brains
are drunk on saccharine
sentimentality!
Dr. Venture.
What would you say was your
greatest adventure
and, eh, parenthetically eh
what is your greatest invention?
Well, Dick, those are both
excellent questions.
But I'm afraid I only have
one answer--
My son.
Captain?
The house lights please?
You got it, chairman.
Well, it seems my father
still has much to teach us.
Which is exactly why I built
the Jonas Venture Junior
Museum of Jonas Venture.
To spread Dad's message
of hope, love and super-science.
And now, if I may
I'd like to ask my brother
to say a few words. Rusty?
But it's a melee!
You live for that crap!
I'm your bodyguard. Not your brother's.
He can put out his own fires.
Come on! Move, damn you!
Just lift one foot for me
step on someone. Anyone!
Work with me here!
[ Straining ]
[ Electricity crackling ]
[ Alarm blares ]
[ Woman on PA speaking Italian ]
Wow. Good call.
[ Muttering ]
That was totally worth
crapping myself in front of everyone.
[ Stammers ]
Oh screw it, let's go!
We come back to fight another day!
[ Grunting ]
- Wait, Brock. Don't. We have to go back.
- Whaaat?
He's family, Brock.
And he's in trouble.
He needs us.
- Pff! Get the fuck outta here.
- Ha ha!
Had you goin' for a minute,
there, didn't I? Huh?
- Yeah.
- Had you goin'!
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
WOMAN ON PA: Due
uno
[ Struggling, coughing ]
Oh, Richard, that was one of the
most selfless things I've ever seen.
- Thank you
- Yes, thank you, Richard.
And you're welcome
in our home any time.
Tell the truth.