Nurse Jackie s03e11 Episode Script

- Hey, what's wrong? - Nothing's wrong.
I was gonna leave you a note so you could sleep.
I wanted to get in some batting practice before work.
- Oh, okay.
- You're in late today, right? - You can get the girls to school? - Sure.
Fi, honey, this is why you comb your hair right after you shower.
- Stay still.
- No! I can do it myself.
No, you can't.
Please, you've gotta stay still, honey.
- You're hurting my head! - You know, do it yourself.
You have five minutes.
Dad set the clock on the stove We won't be late.
Don't worry.
- When did he do that? - The last time we were really late.
- Do you want a vitamin? - Yes, please.
- Keep combing, Fi.
- I am.
You want one? No thanks, sweetie.
Those are for you.
Thanks for meeting me.
I know it's early.
Hey, man, you call me at 6:30 in the morning- I'm just happy no one's dead.
Damn.
That ball do something to you personally? Let me ask you something.
You see my wife every day.
Technically yeah.
So do you.
Well, I can't look at her lately.
It's fucked up.
Yeah well, you know, ignoring the person you're married to is a big part of making it work, right? There's all this unspoken shit hanging there.
Every day I wake up I want to put it all out there.
Fuck the consequences.
It's the hanging there that's making me crazy.
It's- and I just- What do you wanna say? You gotta know what I'm talking about.
I don't.
But I have people here.
Yes, I understand that nothing was confirmed or announced, but we were in contention for the- Uh-huh.
Of course.
But I have very important people here to meet the- yes.
Well- You could have called earlier.
- Is today the day? - The day for what? The end-of-probation day? The let-me-do-my-job day? - Today is not the day.
- It's been two weeks, Gloria.
I want to get on with my life.
Jackie, I will effectively notify you when your probation has been lifted.
Until that time, hands off, head down.
Really? That's what you're telling me? Because I am at the end of my rope.
Well, make more rope.
Now if you'll excuse me.
I have just received word that the first lady has decided to visit another hospital.
But that does not mean we have lost, because you're still here.
What I'm trying to say is that even though the first lady has chosen another hospital, we will weather the disappointment and still have a great day together.
Sorry.
I'm sorry, I can't buy this.
It's stressing me out.
Dr.
Temkin in Ortho- such a sore loser.
He was convinced one of us had some sort of inside info.
- Told him Terry Bradshaw was my uncle.
- Ha, awesome.
- Who's Terry Bradshaw? - Oh, you are so lucky you met me.
Your winnings.
Big bills.
- Ah, oh my God! - I know.
It's like the Bat Mitzvah I always wanted, but never had.
I thought this was gonna be the worst year of my life.
But between this and getting married, it could be the half-worst, half-best year ever.
So do you have a best man picked out yet? Mm, on the list.
Gotta ask Eddie.
Hmm, really? Because I just helped you win a small fortune and I also got my braces off a week early on purpose.
Pictures.
But Thor, you can't be my best man and sing at my wedding.
Huh? You're totally right.
Overkill.
Look at you.
A little mascara.
- Going out? - I am not.
However, I would like to invite you - Don't do it.
- to a gathering, a soiree.
It's national nurses appreciation week! - Jesus, Zoey, really? - Yes! - I have reserved a room - That sounds awful.
in the basement.
Just because it's a party in the basement doesn't mean it's going to suck.
You guys, this party is important.
And so fun.
Appreciation week is patronizing.
It's for the overworked and underpaid.
Secretaries, teachers, us.
It's bullshit.
We don't celebrate it.
That's crazy.
It's our week.
If we don't celebrate it, who will? Oh my God, you're throwing your own appreciation party? I appreciate us and I want everyone to be together.
We are together.
And we're all going to be together at the wedding.
It's not the same.
Please come.
- Can't.
- Won't.
I will make an appearance.
- Hey.
- Hey.
- We got a problem.
- There is no we.
Yeah well, I think we should be fucking freaked out.
- Kevin knows.
- Why do you say that? Because he lured me into a small space.
He had a bat.
He was swinging it and he was talking about you.
What did he say? He didn't seem like a guy who wanted to renew his vows, okay? Look, marriage is hard, Eddie.
Believe me, he doesn't know anything.
Incoming trauma- cab driver versus pedestrians.
Guess who won.
All hands on deck.
Jacks, would you intercept the cab driver, yeah? Tough riding the bench, huh? Yeah, kiss my ass.
- How you doing? - I'm okay.
- All right, let's make sure, okay? - I was turning.
They went running across the street to somewhere.
Her purse went flying.
I have it.
I didn't see them coming.
I looked.
Well, you can't always see everythinu coming.
It's okay.
Did you have your seat belt on? - No.
- Okay, you're all right.
- I need some help here! - I can't breathe.
- I got him, I got him.
- Okay.
You sure? - Yeah yeah.
Over there? - Yeah, over here's fine.
Unbelted driver- ran into those pedestrians in trauma.
He started gasping for air.
- Pulse ox is low.
He's unstable.
- Not a show.
Damn, he's got a tracheal shift- pneumothorax.
Probably on impact.
- He's gonna need a chest tube.
- I'll get O'Hara.
No, wait wait wait.
Stay put, stay put.
- Betadine? - What the hell are you thinking? A needle decompression.
Pressure's dropping.
Get me 10 of versed.
We're gonna need that for after.
- You get it.
- Get the versed, please.
I can't get it.
I'm on probation.
I can't handle the fucking meds.
Prep him.
I'll take care of it.
There it is.
Hmm, nice work.
Better call up to the O.
R.
Tell them we've got a chest tube to add to the parade.
I'll get on it.
Don't worry, I didn't do anything I wasn't supposed to do.
I followed all the rules.
Well, thank goodness somebody's having an exciting day.
You're okay.
Snickers, Skittles, Baby Ruth- what do all these things have in common? - Benjamin.
- Sugar? Very good.
Sugar.
Now there's nothing good for you inside of all of this candy.
You know what I like? Raisins.
And if you eat all of them, you can do this.
There were six of you.
Where are the other two? she couldn't stop coughing.
- That's it? - Yeah, just coughing.
Put her in five.
Nice day for a cabulance.
- What's your name? - Ruth.
- Can't stop coughing.
- You just did.
- Yeah, but- - Ridiculous.
- This is a hospital.
- Yeah, I hear ya.
All right, everyone, count off! - One! - Two.
- Three.
- Start again.
Sierra, stay with the group.
- One! - Two.
- Three.
- Three.
No such thing as two threes.
Start again.
One! You have a minute for something really important? Sure.
I'm going to be here and Eddie's going to be here.
Fuck, I forgot to ask him.
And Thor's going to stand here.
La.
Or maybe here.
I don't know.
And the mannequins will be back, so it'll look a lot nicer.
But I need someone to pick up the cake, cue the music and make sure everyone is seated, and I'd like that person to be you.
- No.
- Aw, come on.
People are scared of you.
You'd be the perfect wedding coordinator.
Why don't you ask Zoey to do it? Nobody listens to Zoey.
If I were still talking to my moms, I'd ask them to do it.
"My moms.
" It's your last divorce card, Coop.
You sure you want to play it now? Playing it.
Wedding coordinator, check.
- You know, she reminds me of you.
- Who? Cricket, my fiancée.
Really? Well, good luck then.
Awesome.
- You do this every week? - No.
- This is a special week.
- Yeah? Shit, is it our anniversary? We haven't been dating long enough to have an anniversary.
I love that you're not the kind of girl who needs to celebrate every little thing.
- Yeah, I'm good like that.
- You are.
I only recognize the really important holidays.
Cool.
Thanks for the sugar, Boober.
Mm, jellybeans.
Oh.
Yay.
With the- Look at this.
Mm! Lenny came in.
He couldn't tell what it was for.
Well, in much bigger news, I am singing at Coop's wedding.
Wedding! The acoustics in here are insane.
That's because it's an empty room.
Well, I'm going to rehearse, just until everyone else gets here, so Ave Maria No, stop.
- I need you to do me a favor.
- Mm.
Would you refill this? If she's already out, she's taking too many.
She's not taking too many.
- Jackie.
- Please.
Okay? Please.
What are you wearing to my wedding? - I'm not going.
- Too painful? Now I'm definitely going.
Okay, we ordered her some codeine.
- Christ.
- Chronic and persistent.
- It'll suppress the reflex.
- Yes.
What? Is that bad, the codeine? Look, if you have a cough, you go to the drugstore.
You don't go to the E.
R.
I don't want to get sick.
Right over there, meningitis.
Over here, bacterial pneumonia.
If you sit around here long enough with your cough, you're gonna get sick.
And unnecessary opiates can do more harm than good.
If I were you, I would steer clear of the dairy, get some chloraseptic before you go down that road.
I do eat a lot of ice cream.
So do you want those? It's up to you.
No.
Okay, as soon as we rule out strep, we can send you home.
What are you doing in here? That was such a rush- back in trauma.
Let's go out and celebrate after work.
I don't much feel like celebrating this job.
- This fucking probation is- - Jackie, um Your probation is my fault.
I reported to H.
R.
After the pharmacy run was flagged.
The fentanyl- I covered Eddie's ass and my ass too, but I didn't name any names.
I'm supposed to believe that? You should.
It's the truth.
Why not just tell them? You know, confusion to the enemy.
What makes you think we're on the same side? Mm.
Why would I go out with you? We can sit and talk about the shit - you have to hang over my head? - Oh, I see.
You want some shit to hang over my head.
Come out with me after work.
I'll think about it.
Don't you have a brother or a cousin? No brothers.
I have a cousin in Iowa or Indiana- - One of those states.
- Yeah well, I'm- - I'm flattered, Coop, but I can't.
- Why not? For starters, what I think you're doing is crazy.
Because I'm crazy in love.
Have you thought this thing through yet? You know what happens when you get married? Someone comes along, fucks your wife.
And then you crash and burn.
You're hopping along here like everything's cake and sunshine after what, a month of dating? - Three weeks.
- I'm not getting involved! Honey, maybe the signs just weren't big enough.
- No.
- We could go see a movie- - Stop.
Fine.
Are you lost? No, I was looking for her.
Happy nurses appreciation week.
Here.
- Shut up.
- What? - Who sent you? - What are you talking about? - Are you fucking with me? - What? No.
I brought you flowers.
What are you getting mad at me for? Don't yell at her.
Why are you here? Look, my mom's a nurse.
My sister's a nurse.
My sisters-in-laws are all nurses.
Not like this is the only week someone should get you flowers.
You work hard.
Thank you.
Here.
Thank you.
And you look nice.
Those are good jeans.
Do you want to stay for the party? This is a party? I know.
I'm on duty.
- Rain check? - Okay.
All right.
I'll see you around.
Um, hello? Lenny.
You should be on vocal rest.
- Oh my God.
- Hi! You can come in.
Come on in! Hey, dude, wait up.
Coop, I'm not trying to be a dick, I had a shitty day.
I want to go home and feel like shit, come back and try again tomorrow.
Wait.
Look, I know everyone thinks I'm an idiot.
They do.
And this probably looks insane, but I love her.
I'm 35 and my family just fell apart.
I'm tired of eating alone.
It's not the worst reason in the world to get married.
I just wanna move forward.
I get that.
So come on, best man it up.
Aw, Jesus.
All right.
But do not- do not hug me.
- Hugging you in my mind.
- All right.
All right, now, as your best man, I gotta tell you I don't know too many happily married people.
- We'll be happy.
- Yeah.
Well, maybe you will.
Hope is the thing with fucking feathers, right? I don't know.
Barney's, the big bags.
- Uh-oh.
- Close the door.
I refilled this for your daughter, but I want to help you.
You are helping me.
No, this is a band-aid, Jacks.
Real help.
I will pay for rehab, which I think is a joke.
I will take you to meetings, which I know you won't go to.
I'll send you on holiday to detox but I know you'll be miserable.
So what else is there? Or I will prescribe what I think is best for you in your situation To get you clean.
Consider me a very fancy methadone clinic.
Are you comfortable with that? Of course not.
But it's the least of many evils.
I know I don't want to not just hear from your husband or Gloria Akalitus or the police, God forbid, that you are in over your head.
I just want everything to be Better.
And that's the only thing I can think of.
Okay.
Okay.
Thank you.
That is some real Hansel-and-Gretel shit right there.
I'm only having one.
One is enough.
Good.
- Go tell that lady thank you.
- Thank you very much, lady.
You're very welcome.
Would you like another cupcake? No.
My mom says I have to learn when to stop.
- It's hard.
- You'll learn.
Don't worry, you will.
Well done, Miss Barkow.
I used to hide crumb cake underneath my bed when I was seven because my mom didn't believe in seconds.
You keep telling them no, they'll want it even more.
That's right.
Watch your tone.
But yes.
Oh my God, why wasn't I invited? Where's Jackie? Married people scare me, okay? My sister got married on Halloween.
I'm not kidding.
People thought that was weird.
I thought it was very considerate because we didn't have to explain the bridesmaids' dresses.
'Cause you're not gonna wear those again.
Yeah, you guys are exciting - Seriously? - You're married, kids.
You've been working at the same hospital for what, 10 years? You look like you could use a change of scene.
- Want a drink? - No, I'm good.
- Tequila, please.
- Two.
How long have you guys been together? Seven minutes? Eight? Yeah, five minutes, good.
You can speak up.
It's okay.
I have news for you.
- She will spend $250 - Oh my God, she's dying up there.
- Yeah, and we don't have to save her.
- Yeah.
Look, you don't know me.
A week before you started I got in a car accident.
Wrecked my back, so I took a couple of patches, might have been four.
- Yeah? - Yeah.
I took six.
And I've never been to Haiti.
Finally! Thank you.
That was funny.