The Venture Bros (2003) s03e11 Episode Script
ORB
1
I just want the plans, Venture.
[ Laughs ]
I have the plans right here,
Half-Jackal.
Right here in my head.
So why don't you keep trying
to beat them out?
That baby's gonna kick like a virgin.
You have to re-level quick.
Go for the bastard's neck.
Do I have to kill him?
Keep him up there, Kano.
I don't care if he wets himself
and your head.
That boy is gonna
see somebody die.
And if he doesn't want it to be
his father he's got to pull that trigger.
QUIZBOY:
Knew it.
White, White, I've done it.
[ Shudders ] Congratulations,
you've discovered pornography.
Oh, that's unsavory.
Quit it. This is serious.
You see what's written on that smoke?
That's circumference and length.
It describes a cylinder.
Billy, you've snapped.
No, White.
This boy genius is sane.
30 years of searching for clues
in the old Rusty Venture cartoon
has led me to this.
Wow, impressive.
It's a scytale,
a helical cipher.
You just wrap this strip of paper
with what appears to
be nonsense around it
and Bingo was his name-o.
Well?
Don't tell me.
It's more code.
It's all "form type equals address."
I was so close.
I'm already regretting telling you this,
but that's a URL.
- What?
- Billy, it's a website.
That's impossible.
The Rusty Venture cartoon
is from the '70s.
"52 equals country
equals U.S. and geodiff"--
that's with two f's--
"equals one." You got it?
WHITE: Yeah, I got it.
It's a maplook map.
White? That's a map
to the Venture compound.
WHITE: Oh, my God, you're right.
And look at that.
I could save 1 .3 miles
if I take Ridge Street.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
[ Click ]
QUIZBOY: The bricks on that
Mayan temple--
random pattern or Morse code?
Morse code. Slide.
Do giant spiders really have
that many eyes?
They do when it's code written
in Braille. Slide!
That's a shirtless drunk albino, I think.
- Spring break 1 994.
- Slide!
Alright, Billy, all you've proved
is that you're way too into cartoons
and that I should find out why I haven't
seen dime one from those DVD sales.
Wrong!
Every one of these clues and hundreds
more like them have led me here--
slide--
to this spot in your compound
and the final clue.
Yeah, that's my herb garden.
Doc, can we talk outside?
You can say it to everybody.
Oh, cool! Brock's gonna swear.
No, he's not.
Cool, Brock's gonna
talk about naked sex ladies.
Alright, fine,
when I got assigned this ridic--
important assignment
I was given explicit instructions
to watch that exact patch of ground.
Sorry, I'm not digging there.
Well, your employer is.
See, we've already lost Brock.
And who knows who's next?
Any one of us could meet our demise
or be driven crazy by greed.
The quest will not be easy.
Look, Billy,
you just saw me ride a komodo dragon
and they have poisonous spit.
Poisonous spit, infected mouths,
komodo dragons.
It's-- if they bite you.
Whatever. Nobody works as hard
as Rusty Venture.
Hurry up. My ice is melting.
I'm going as fast as I can.
Yell at Dean for once.
Your brothef's
busy helping the grown-ups.
I think I have heatstroke.
You have lollygagger syndrome.
That's what you have.
Here, freshen this up for Daddy. White?
Sure, I'll take another Fanta.
- Billy?
- What are you drinking?
Red Mocho Cooler.
It's Kahlúa, Hershey's syrup,
and a dash of red Kool-Aid.
That sounds horrible.
[ Thunk! ]
I just hit something.
Oh, now we're talking.
What? Oh, false alarm.
It's a box full of old mops.
It's a dog corpse.
Well, looks like we found
where Brock buried Scamp.
Scamp? No.
No-o-o-o-o!
Dean, less ice this time!
[ Rock music playing ]
[ Crashing ]
BROCK: Oh, come on!
Oh, Brock, I'm glad you're here.
This is yours, I think.
It came from the past.
Ooh-ooh-ooh.
QUIZBOY: [ Coughs ]
This is totally what we're looking for.
I recognize it from episode 209--
the Talking Cave Mystery.
Whoa, is this Brock's room?
Sweet digs, Samson.
Get out of here.
I have a dart board like that.
You ever turn it around? Baseball.
Yeah. Get out of here!
Is this a rec room?
Please tell me there's bumper pool.
Out of my room now, everybody!
HANK: Look, I found even more
treasure in there--
a mysterious card that says
"Ancient Gear Fist" and a coin.
I'll bet it's Indian money.
Look, a magic nurse shoe.
That's my shoe.
Hey, that's my Yu-Gi-Oh
card and my slammer pog.
Aw, gyp.
Dean, give me those.
- What did I tell you about gambling?
- Gyp!
Out!
OK, before we open this
if it's gold or diamonds
I think it's pretty clear my father
meant for me to have them.
And if poison gas
should come out and kill us
I just want to tell you that
I was the one who carved Dean's name
into the bathroom door.
Thanks, Hank.
I love you, Dean.
OK, Billy, open it up.
Oh, for the love of God.
Was anybody else waiting for
their face to melt off, eh?
The final clue.
I can decode this.
Get me a roll of toilet paper.
Oh, and get me
another Red Mocho Cooler.
RECORDING: Don't look around you,
man of the future.
Sandow is speaking to you
from beyond the grave.
The voice you now hear is coming
from the Victor talking mach--
Duty that no man, dagger, bullet
or blow harmed Colonel Venture.
Foolishly, Sandow believed the device
and my dreadful orders
to protect it to be a myth.
That changed.
Everything changed.
FANTOMAS:
Look out there, Lloyd.
We're being attacked by members
of our own Guild.
The only way we can gain control
is to activate the device now.
LLOYD VENTURE: I'm sorry.
I didn't know we were out of options.
No, I'm sorry.
I didn't know it was sarcasm day.
I'm sorry I wasn't aware
of your delicate constitution.
I'm sorry you
smell like spoiled fruit.
MARK TWAIN:
Fantômas has a point.
How dare you, sir?
Why, I smell of freshly cut flowers.
Not that.
Look, all of us have devoted our lives
to perfect and protect the Orb.
But we're losing everything.
Now, I can't even afford another suit.
Same suit for the last five years.
Samuel, the Orb is a source
of untold power.
We must take our time and learn
how to harness that power
for the good of mankind.
Whoa, there. Orb is ours.
The Guild will decide
what is best for mankind.
OSCAR WILDE: For shame.
This Guild was founded
to protect and serve man at his best
not to be a guild
of calamitous intent.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
But
But-- and it's a bigger but
than the huge one I sit on--
that little ball has to be tested.
The ugly queen is right.
I was the last to add my genius to Orb.
And I, the great beast, Aleister Crowley
will prove the mighty art of hermetic--
Whoa.
Sandow, show that lunatic out.
Let's see if the chubby wizard can fly.
Alright there, big guy. I get the hint.
No need to get shovey
because I will come down on you
like a storm! Aah!
OK, you see?
We can no longer trust anyone.
It's time to harness the power of the Orb
whatever that power may be.
[ Crash ]
Colonel Venture, it's Tesla,
and he's with the Avon ladies.
They have us surrounded!
OSCAR WILDE: To our gliders!
Don't do it, Colonel Venture. I beg you.
Sandow, my faithful bodyguard,
these are desperate times.
Sandow knew what had to be done.
Men like us follow orders.
Yes, future man, we are pawns
but pawns that move
in that crazy "L" shape
like that horse piece.
Oh, this thing is tiny.
Sandow will pick this up
on the other cylinder. Sorr--
[ Sighs ] Great.
Alright, Hank,
read it one more time.
"In Minuit's bargain
sits house that coke built.
"In a loud room of quiet whistlers
"behind the wild gray gentleman,
sits the 22121 0."
Alright. Googled Minuit
and he's the guy
who bought Manhattan Island
from the Indians with beads or something.
So, Minuit's bargain
is New York City.
[ Scoffs ] Obviously.
Man, the poor chump
who came up with this riddle
didn't bank on us having
the internet, eh?
What's the next line?
"In Minuit's bargain
sits house that coke built."
I'm on it.
"The house that coke built."
No, that's the Cola.
Wait. Studio 54, New York City.
It's just like the old show.
[ Squawks ]
"Rusty Venture,"
brought to you by-- smoking.
QUIZBOY: This is tits.
I'm in your old seat, aren't I?
I don't remember.
Alright,
time to put on our costumes, Rusty.
Costumes?
Did I say costumes? I meant disguises.
BROCK: Did any of you find
a tube about yea big
while you were digging up my garden?
If you mean the roll
Dad and Mr. Billy took it to
New York City.
Of course they did.
OK, White, I'm taking off for a while.
You're in charge of the boys.
Right. Do they have a bedtime
or, uh, any dietary concerns?
'Cause I've noticed Hank eats
a lot of refined sugars.
BROCK: You know what?
Never mind. I'll get Orpheus to do it.
DR. VENTURE:
I can't believe you talked me
into wearing my old clothes.
This is New York City,
the fashion capital of the world.
Trust me, we'll blend in. I'm serious.
Next season
will be all about the mancapri.
COMPUTER:
Input voice identification.
- Samson, Brock.
- COMPUTER: Confirmed.
Search Samson, Brock,
active assignment.
COMPUTER:
Verify clearance level 8.
John Bonham Rocks.
COMPUTER:
Confirmed.
Samson, Brock,
active assignment--
Operation Rusty's Blanket.
Subsearch Orders Regarding
Bodyguard termination clause.
COMPUTER: Clearance level 1 0
identification number required.
Alright, hold on.
- COMPUTER: Incorrect identification.
- It wasn't a number--
- COMPUTER: Incorrect identification.
- I know! Knock it off!
COMPUTER: Incorrect identification.
[ Sighs ]
Uh, uh, 2, Delta, 9, Romeo, Tango, 8.
Autopilot initiated.
Agent Samson, Brock, terminated.
Oh, what the
Did you just fire me or kill me? Hello!
You piece of shit!
Come on!
[ Tires screech ]
Argh! Ah!
BROCK: Hey, I know we
shouldn't be seen together, but, uh
well, I saw your
feature-dance here last week.
Yeah? What'd you think?
You like the part with the fan?
Never mind.
Look, butter-top, the boss man's
watching me like a hawk.
Better buy me a drink.
What are you drinking?
That son-of-a-bitch
silverback knows damn--
Gin neat! You cretin!
Alright, what's the skinny?
You tell me.
Sweet lord,
that hack actually found it?
- Found what?
- Damned if I know.
You want the bad news
or the good news first?
I don't know--
the good, I guess.
There is no good news!
Just bad news and weird news.
You were never assigned to protect
wee little Rusty Venture.
You were assigned to protect
something else.
Or maybe to protect us from
something else.
What does that mean?
It means that the man you thought
you had to protect is a godless idiot.
His father hid
some rotten device from him.
Guess he figured if he had
the noodle to find it
he'd know what to do with it.
I'm also guessing he was wrong!
Yep.
That's the weird news.
The bad news is that if he tries
to activate the device
you have to take him out.
Before the O.S.I.
takes me out, I suppose.
What do you want?
A moment to cry over a spilled life?
You're a pawn, son.
So, what is this device
I've been protecting?
How will I even know
when I see it?
Known the whole time.
Operation Rusty's Blanket.
Orders Regarding Bodyguard.
Orb. That's all I know.
You want any more information
you got to ask another Venture bodyguard.
I can't.
Doc took the second cylinder
to New York.
Don't know what you're
talking about, and I don't care.
You take this hot wad of cash
and do what you got to do.
Don't you dare ask me what I did
to get those $1 00 bills.
Mine is not to
poop on anyone's parade
but Studio 54?
This box is from the Victorian era.
Alright, fella, then
what do you think it is?
This isn't my forte
but I know a cipher master
who knows the 1 9th century
like the back of his hand.
I'll be right back.
Cool. He's astral projecting.
Dean, you know what to do.
[ Beeping ]
[ Beeping quickens ]
[ Straining ]
[ Muffled ] Oh, my God!
What do you eat?!
Wake up, fat boy.
I have been waiting half my
life for this moment
but I never dreamed it would be
you they sent, Brock Samson.
Look, nobody sent me.
Wait a second.
I thought you were a mute.
My silence was a choice.
I have taken from this world a great man.
My silence is my penance.
Now end my suffering, O.S.I. man.
Alright, look, I'm not here to kill you.
I'm here because Doc
is looking for the Orb.
Orb?
Master Rusty has found Orb?
[ Laughs ]
Did he find it under the couch
while looking for change?
Yeah, well, he's not
only looking for whatever the hell Orb is
but he has my
second gramophone cylinder.
I don't even-- have a clue
what's going on here.
Wait here. I have something for you.
I tell you, Brock Samson,
it feels good to talk again.
I've been holding so much in.
Do you watch Top Chef?
Uh, yeah, but I didn't like Top Design.
Oh, it feels so good to talk.
Let's go to karaoke bar.
I so want to sing Humpty Dance.
Uh
Yes, yes, we go later.
First, you should listen to this.
What is that? The other cylinder?
Well, what the hell does Doc have?
Knowing Rusty--
roll of toilet paper?
- OK, "In Minuit's bargain"
- Manhattan.
- "sits house that coke built."
- Studio 54.
- "In a loud room of quiet whistlers"
- Backstage in the bathroom.
- "behind the wild gray gentleman"
- That guy.
"sits the 22121 0."
Which has to be that
foldaway changing table.
And I bet we already
know the model number.
Oh, that is never not fun.
Oh, oh, man.
Orpheus, they TP'ed
your corporeal form.
That is hilarious.
Yes, of course. A regular panic.
Oh, OK.
So, why have you summoned
the alchemist?
Ba-daa!
To solve a mystery.
The mystery of the box
we found in Brock's garden.
Alright. Give me the clues.
[ Breathes deeply ] I'm on the job.
Sandow thinks
it may not be a good idea.
They're dying out there. All over this.
- What is it?
- The Orb.
Archimedes himself began
the construction
with little more
than the mirror alignment.
Da Vinci added the gearings,
Newton the lenses
Galileo the prisms.
All of the great poets,
painters, scientists
alchemists, and philosophers
have had the Orb in their hands.
But what is it?
Some say it's a weapon
of catastrophic proportion.
I believe it to be a type of engine
self-sustaining
and of endless power.
I believe this, Sandow,
because I am a man of hope.
Colonel Venture, please don't activate it.
Sandow, I must.
Then so must Sandow.
Sandow will forever carry this
burden like a--
That's about it.
The rest is Sandow listing
chocolate recipes.
That's why I kept it. I like to bake.
So, did you have to do it, too?
Kano, did you kill the great
Dr. Venture Sr.?
Oh, so, now you're a mute again.
Well, at least we don't have
to sing karaoke now.
Come on. Please?
Studio 54 is the house that coke built?
You guys went crazy from everything
after that guy that sold Manhattan.
Yeah, I got that one.
Alright, let's start again.
Get me a dictionary.
We have the internet.
I don't want to play
World of Warcraft.
Get me a regular dictionary.
Ugh. Internet.
It's only good for finding out
that your boyfriend is sleeping around.
Freaking Myspace.
What? I'm not supposed to look
at his friends' comments?
They're right on the first page.
That's hardly snooping.
Alright. I have your antique.
Look up "coke."
Give me the first definition.
Holdon. OK.
"Noun. The residue of coal
"left after destructive distillation
and used as fuel."
- [ Clears throat ]
- Who ever heard of that?
Gentlemen, we need a coal magnate
with a home in Manhattan.
Two points-- the alchemist.
There's nothing in there but discotheque.
It could be something small
like an IBM stock or something.
Keep looking.
[ Whistling ] Hey, what do we got here?
Is there a problem?
No, officer, no problems here.
Just, uh, changing my son.
That's a mighty big boy you got there.
Bet he's, uh, he's gonna be
a football star, huh?
Well, don't let me disturb you. Carry on.
OK, there, Billy. Up-a-bum.
Lift your little fanny.
Daddy's gonna change you now.
This is how we lost George Michael.
HANK: Come in, Boy Wonder,
this is control.
Studio 54 is not the coke house.
Head to the Frick museum on--
What's that all about?
My Nintendo DS Lite?
Goo-goo, gaga.
- Butter me, Hank. I'm on a roll.
- OK.
Um, how?
Alright, how is "wild"
in the "wild gray gentleman"
spelled?
Ye old-e-fashioned way.
What the hell does that even mean?
With an "e." You know, wild-e.
That's not old-e fashioned.
That's a surname.
Oscar "ding-dong" Wilde.
Alright, give me some time here.
[ Beep ] Control.
What is your 1 0-20, Boy Wonder?
Hank, it's Brock. Where's your father?
HANK: Kind of lost contact with him.
But he should be going to
the Frick museum with Mr. Billy.
Alright, book me on
the next flight to Laguardia.
How?
BROCK: I don't know, Hank.
Get White to do it.
Sweet pecan pie, I've solved it.
Alright, now, try to keep up.
"In a loud room of whistlers"
is the Whistler wing in the Frick.
"behind the wilde gray gentleman"
refers to Whistlef's painting
of Robert de Montesquiou
the guy who was the model
for Dorian Gray.
And who wrote
The Picture of Dorian Gray?
Edgar Allan Poe.
Not even close, Hank.
It was Oscar Wilde.
So, "behind the wilde gray
gentleman" means
"behind the portrait of
Montesquiou." Get it?
A-almost.
Doesn't matter. Just call your dad.
DR. VENTURE: Billy, knock it off.
You almost hit the painting
with your arrow.
Don't even try to tell me
that hasn't been your fantasy
since you saw The Pink Panther.
So, it's behind this?
Alright, let's tear it down.
Uh, don't you think we should check out
the room behind this
before we destroy a priceless masterpiece?
Rusty's back.
It's the old stuff, Billy.
I'm feeling it again.
Alright. "Behind the Wilde gray
gentleman sits the 22121 0."
- Super.
- OK, I think I got something.
The 22nd letter is--
I got it! Billy! Billy!
Keep it down.
We're in a museum.
Trying to get us popped?
Sorry. I cracked the final code.
It was a simple substitution.
[ Clears throat ]
We are looking for an Orb.
Wow, you are back.
Me and Rusty Venture
solving mysteries.
We haven't found it yet,
so keep your pants on.
Why? Are you planning on
taking them off again?
Paperweight, my ass.
Hello, sweet thing. [ Laughs ]
Well, like my dad used to say
"You want to hide something
leave it where everybody can see it."
My god, it's gorgeous.
- Let me see.
- No. Don't know what it is yet.
Could be dangerous.
What? Wrong.
I got to know what it is.
Been looking
for that fucking thing for 30 years.
- Billy, don't be such a dick.
- Poop.
This isn't an invention.
It's a responsibility.
I need to study this.
And if we find that it will help
mankind move peacefully forward
then we shall share its teachings
because we are not
only men of science.
- We--
- Are men of hope.
How did you know
what I was gonna say?
What? Your dad said that
at the end of, like, every episode.
Oh. Well, he was right.
I mean, he was always right. [ Chuckles ]
My dad hid this for a reason,
and we have to respect that.
The guy was a crappy father.
But, Billy, I'll tell you, he--
he was a great scientist.
No.
Rusty, please. Come on.
You got to hit this. Don't leave me hanging.
Alright, just once.
And if this ever gets out
My lips are sealed.
BOTH: Go team Venture!
HANK: Hey, pop.
What was the treasure?
What? Oh, it was nothing.
Just a-a note from my father.
Where's Brock?
I want him to get right on
fixing up his room.
It's a pigsty.
HANK: I thought he was with you.
[ Cracking ]
[ Engine turns over ]
[ Engine revving ]
I just want the plans, Venture.
[ Laughs ]
I have the plans right here,
Half-Jackal.
Right here in my head.
So why don't you keep trying
to beat them out?
That baby's gonna kick like a virgin.
You have to re-level quick.
Go for the bastard's neck.
Do I have to kill him?
Keep him up there, Kano.
I don't care if he wets himself
and your head.
That boy is gonna
see somebody die.
And if he doesn't want it to be
his father he's got to pull that trigger.
QUIZBOY:
Knew it.
White, White, I've done it.
[ Shudders ] Congratulations,
you've discovered pornography.
Oh, that's unsavory.
Quit it. This is serious.
You see what's written on that smoke?
That's circumference and length.
It describes a cylinder.
Billy, you've snapped.
No, White.
This boy genius is sane.
30 years of searching for clues
in the old Rusty Venture cartoon
has led me to this.
Wow, impressive.
It's a scytale,
a helical cipher.
You just wrap this strip of paper
with what appears to
be nonsense around it
and Bingo was his name-o.
Well?
Don't tell me.
It's more code.
It's all "form type equals address."
I was so close.
I'm already regretting telling you this,
but that's a URL.
- What?
- Billy, it's a website.
That's impossible.
The Rusty Venture cartoon
is from the '70s.
"52 equals country
equals U.S. and geodiff"--
that's with two f's--
"equals one." You got it?
WHITE: Yeah, I got it.
It's a maplook map.
White? That's a map
to the Venture compound.
WHITE: Oh, my God, you're right.
And look at that.
I could save 1 .3 miles
if I take Ridge Street.
[ Up-tempo music plays ]
[ Click ]
QUIZBOY: The bricks on that
Mayan temple--
random pattern or Morse code?
Morse code. Slide.
Do giant spiders really have
that many eyes?
They do when it's code written
in Braille. Slide!
That's a shirtless drunk albino, I think.
- Spring break 1 994.
- Slide!
Alright, Billy, all you've proved
is that you're way too into cartoons
and that I should find out why I haven't
seen dime one from those DVD sales.
Wrong!
Every one of these clues and hundreds
more like them have led me here--
slide--
to this spot in your compound
and the final clue.
Yeah, that's my herb garden.
Doc, can we talk outside?
You can say it to everybody.
Oh, cool! Brock's gonna swear.
No, he's not.
Cool, Brock's gonna
talk about naked sex ladies.
Alright, fine,
when I got assigned this ridic--
important assignment
I was given explicit instructions
to watch that exact patch of ground.
Sorry, I'm not digging there.
Well, your employer is.
See, we've already lost Brock.
And who knows who's next?
Any one of us could meet our demise
or be driven crazy by greed.
The quest will not be easy.
Look, Billy,
you just saw me ride a komodo dragon
and they have poisonous spit.
Poisonous spit, infected mouths,
komodo dragons.
It's-- if they bite you.
Whatever. Nobody works as hard
as Rusty Venture.
Hurry up. My ice is melting.
I'm going as fast as I can.
Yell at Dean for once.
Your brothef's
busy helping the grown-ups.
I think I have heatstroke.
You have lollygagger syndrome.
That's what you have.
Here, freshen this up for Daddy. White?
Sure, I'll take another Fanta.
- Billy?
- What are you drinking?
Red Mocho Cooler.
It's Kahlúa, Hershey's syrup,
and a dash of red Kool-Aid.
That sounds horrible.
[ Thunk! ]
I just hit something.
Oh, now we're talking.
What? Oh, false alarm.
It's a box full of old mops.
It's a dog corpse.
Well, looks like we found
where Brock buried Scamp.
Scamp? No.
No-o-o-o-o!
Dean, less ice this time!
[ Rock music playing ]
[ Crashing ]
BROCK: Oh, come on!
Oh, Brock, I'm glad you're here.
This is yours, I think.
It came from the past.
Ooh-ooh-ooh.
QUIZBOY: [ Coughs ]
This is totally what we're looking for.
I recognize it from episode 209--
the Talking Cave Mystery.
Whoa, is this Brock's room?
Sweet digs, Samson.
Get out of here.
I have a dart board like that.
You ever turn it around? Baseball.
Yeah. Get out of here!
Is this a rec room?
Please tell me there's bumper pool.
Out of my room now, everybody!
HANK: Look, I found even more
treasure in there--
a mysterious card that says
"Ancient Gear Fist" and a coin.
I'll bet it's Indian money.
Look, a magic nurse shoe.
That's my shoe.
Hey, that's my Yu-Gi-Oh
card and my slammer pog.
Aw, gyp.
Dean, give me those.
- What did I tell you about gambling?
- Gyp!
Out!
OK, before we open this
if it's gold or diamonds
I think it's pretty clear my father
meant for me to have them.
And if poison gas
should come out and kill us
I just want to tell you that
I was the one who carved Dean's name
into the bathroom door.
Thanks, Hank.
I love you, Dean.
OK, Billy, open it up.
Oh, for the love of God.
Was anybody else waiting for
their face to melt off, eh?
The final clue.
I can decode this.
Get me a roll of toilet paper.
Oh, and get me
another Red Mocho Cooler.
RECORDING: Don't look around you,
man of the future.
Sandow is speaking to you
from beyond the grave.
The voice you now hear is coming
from the Victor talking mach--
Duty that no man, dagger, bullet
or blow harmed Colonel Venture.
Foolishly, Sandow believed the device
and my dreadful orders
to protect it to be a myth.
That changed.
Everything changed.
FANTOMAS:
Look out there, Lloyd.
We're being attacked by members
of our own Guild.
The only way we can gain control
is to activate the device now.
LLOYD VENTURE: I'm sorry.
I didn't know we were out of options.
No, I'm sorry.
I didn't know it was sarcasm day.
I'm sorry I wasn't aware
of your delicate constitution.
I'm sorry you
smell like spoiled fruit.
MARK TWAIN:
Fantômas has a point.
How dare you, sir?
Why, I smell of freshly cut flowers.
Not that.
Look, all of us have devoted our lives
to perfect and protect the Orb.
But we're losing everything.
Now, I can't even afford another suit.
Same suit for the last five years.
Samuel, the Orb is a source
of untold power.
We must take our time and learn
how to harness that power
for the good of mankind.
Whoa, there. Orb is ours.
The Guild will decide
what is best for mankind.
OSCAR WILDE: For shame.
This Guild was founded
to protect and serve man at his best
not to be a guild
of calamitous intent.
[ Indistinct shouting ]
But
But-- and it's a bigger but
than the huge one I sit on--
that little ball has to be tested.
The ugly queen is right.
I was the last to add my genius to Orb.
And I, the great beast, Aleister Crowley
will prove the mighty art of hermetic--
Whoa.
Sandow, show that lunatic out.
Let's see if the chubby wizard can fly.
Alright there, big guy. I get the hint.
No need to get shovey
because I will come down on you
like a storm! Aah!
OK, you see?
We can no longer trust anyone.
It's time to harness the power of the Orb
whatever that power may be.
[ Crash ]
Colonel Venture, it's Tesla,
and he's with the Avon ladies.
They have us surrounded!
OSCAR WILDE: To our gliders!
Don't do it, Colonel Venture. I beg you.
Sandow, my faithful bodyguard,
these are desperate times.
Sandow knew what had to be done.
Men like us follow orders.
Yes, future man, we are pawns
but pawns that move
in that crazy "L" shape
like that horse piece.
Oh, this thing is tiny.
Sandow will pick this up
on the other cylinder. Sorr--
[ Sighs ] Great.
Alright, Hank,
read it one more time.
"In Minuit's bargain
sits house that coke built.
"In a loud room of quiet whistlers
"behind the wild gray gentleman,
sits the 22121 0."
Alright. Googled Minuit
and he's the guy
who bought Manhattan Island
from the Indians with beads or something.
So, Minuit's bargain
is New York City.
[ Scoffs ] Obviously.
Man, the poor chump
who came up with this riddle
didn't bank on us having
the internet, eh?
What's the next line?
"In Minuit's bargain
sits house that coke built."
I'm on it.
"The house that coke built."
No, that's the Cola.
Wait. Studio 54, New York City.
It's just like the old show.
[ Squawks ]
"Rusty Venture,"
brought to you by-- smoking.
QUIZBOY: This is tits.
I'm in your old seat, aren't I?
I don't remember.
Alright,
time to put on our costumes, Rusty.
Costumes?
Did I say costumes? I meant disguises.
BROCK: Did any of you find
a tube about yea big
while you were digging up my garden?
If you mean the roll
Dad and Mr. Billy took it to
New York City.
Of course they did.
OK, White, I'm taking off for a while.
You're in charge of the boys.
Right. Do they have a bedtime
or, uh, any dietary concerns?
'Cause I've noticed Hank eats
a lot of refined sugars.
BROCK: You know what?
Never mind. I'll get Orpheus to do it.
DR. VENTURE:
I can't believe you talked me
into wearing my old clothes.
This is New York City,
the fashion capital of the world.
Trust me, we'll blend in. I'm serious.
Next season
will be all about the mancapri.
COMPUTER:
Input voice identification.
- Samson, Brock.
- COMPUTER: Confirmed.
Search Samson, Brock,
active assignment.
COMPUTER:
Verify clearance level 8.
John Bonham Rocks.
COMPUTER:
Confirmed.
Samson, Brock,
active assignment--
Operation Rusty's Blanket.
Subsearch Orders Regarding
Bodyguard termination clause.
COMPUTER: Clearance level 1 0
identification number required.
Alright, hold on.
- COMPUTER: Incorrect identification.
- It wasn't a number--
- COMPUTER: Incorrect identification.
- I know! Knock it off!
COMPUTER: Incorrect identification.
[ Sighs ]
Uh, uh, 2, Delta, 9, Romeo, Tango, 8.
Autopilot initiated.
Agent Samson, Brock, terminated.
Oh, what the
Did you just fire me or kill me? Hello!
You piece of shit!
Come on!
[ Tires screech ]
Argh! Ah!
BROCK: Hey, I know we
shouldn't be seen together, but, uh
well, I saw your
feature-dance here last week.
Yeah? What'd you think?
You like the part with the fan?
Never mind.
Look, butter-top, the boss man's
watching me like a hawk.
Better buy me a drink.
What are you drinking?
That son-of-a-bitch
silverback knows damn--
Gin neat! You cretin!
Alright, what's the skinny?
You tell me.
Sweet lord,
that hack actually found it?
- Found what?
- Damned if I know.
You want the bad news
or the good news first?
I don't know--
the good, I guess.
There is no good news!
Just bad news and weird news.
You were never assigned to protect
wee little Rusty Venture.
You were assigned to protect
something else.
Or maybe to protect us from
something else.
What does that mean?
It means that the man you thought
you had to protect is a godless idiot.
His father hid
some rotten device from him.
Guess he figured if he had
the noodle to find it
he'd know what to do with it.
I'm also guessing he was wrong!
Yep.
That's the weird news.
The bad news is that if he tries
to activate the device
you have to take him out.
Before the O.S.I.
takes me out, I suppose.
What do you want?
A moment to cry over a spilled life?
You're a pawn, son.
So, what is this device
I've been protecting?
How will I even know
when I see it?
Known the whole time.
Operation Rusty's Blanket.
Orders Regarding Bodyguard.
Orb. That's all I know.
You want any more information
you got to ask another Venture bodyguard.
I can't.
Doc took the second cylinder
to New York.
Don't know what you're
talking about, and I don't care.
You take this hot wad of cash
and do what you got to do.
Don't you dare ask me what I did
to get those $1 00 bills.
Mine is not to
poop on anyone's parade
but Studio 54?
This box is from the Victorian era.
Alright, fella, then
what do you think it is?
This isn't my forte
but I know a cipher master
who knows the 1 9th century
like the back of his hand.
I'll be right back.
Cool. He's astral projecting.
Dean, you know what to do.
[ Beeping ]
[ Beeping quickens ]
[ Straining ]
[ Muffled ] Oh, my God!
What do you eat?!
Wake up, fat boy.
I have been waiting half my
life for this moment
but I never dreamed it would be
you they sent, Brock Samson.
Look, nobody sent me.
Wait a second.
I thought you were a mute.
My silence was a choice.
I have taken from this world a great man.
My silence is my penance.
Now end my suffering, O.S.I. man.
Alright, look, I'm not here to kill you.
I'm here because Doc
is looking for the Orb.
Orb?
Master Rusty has found Orb?
[ Laughs ]
Did he find it under the couch
while looking for change?
Yeah, well, he's not
only looking for whatever the hell Orb is
but he has my
second gramophone cylinder.
I don't even-- have a clue
what's going on here.
Wait here. I have something for you.
I tell you, Brock Samson,
it feels good to talk again.
I've been holding so much in.
Do you watch Top Chef?
Uh, yeah, but I didn't like Top Design.
Oh, it feels so good to talk.
Let's go to karaoke bar.
I so want to sing Humpty Dance.
Uh
Yes, yes, we go later.
First, you should listen to this.
What is that? The other cylinder?
Well, what the hell does Doc have?
Knowing Rusty--
roll of toilet paper?
- OK, "In Minuit's bargain"
- Manhattan.
- "sits house that coke built."
- Studio 54.
- "In a loud room of quiet whistlers"
- Backstage in the bathroom.
- "behind the wild gray gentleman"
- That guy.
"sits the 22121 0."
Which has to be that
foldaway changing table.
And I bet we already
know the model number.
Oh, that is never not fun.
Oh, oh, man.
Orpheus, they TP'ed
your corporeal form.
That is hilarious.
Yes, of course. A regular panic.
Oh, OK.
So, why have you summoned
the alchemist?
Ba-daa!
To solve a mystery.
The mystery of the box
we found in Brock's garden.
Alright. Give me the clues.
[ Breathes deeply ] I'm on the job.
Sandow thinks
it may not be a good idea.
They're dying out there. All over this.
- What is it?
- The Orb.
Archimedes himself began
the construction
with little more
than the mirror alignment.
Da Vinci added the gearings,
Newton the lenses
Galileo the prisms.
All of the great poets,
painters, scientists
alchemists, and philosophers
have had the Orb in their hands.
But what is it?
Some say it's a weapon
of catastrophic proportion.
I believe it to be a type of engine
self-sustaining
and of endless power.
I believe this, Sandow,
because I am a man of hope.
Colonel Venture, please don't activate it.
Sandow, I must.
Then so must Sandow.
Sandow will forever carry this
burden like a--
That's about it.
The rest is Sandow listing
chocolate recipes.
That's why I kept it. I like to bake.
So, did you have to do it, too?
Kano, did you kill the great
Dr. Venture Sr.?
Oh, so, now you're a mute again.
Well, at least we don't have
to sing karaoke now.
Come on. Please?
Studio 54 is the house that coke built?
You guys went crazy from everything
after that guy that sold Manhattan.
Yeah, I got that one.
Alright, let's start again.
Get me a dictionary.
We have the internet.
I don't want to play
World of Warcraft.
Get me a regular dictionary.
Ugh. Internet.
It's only good for finding out
that your boyfriend is sleeping around.
Freaking Myspace.
What? I'm not supposed to look
at his friends' comments?
They're right on the first page.
That's hardly snooping.
Alright. I have your antique.
Look up "coke."
Give me the first definition.
Holdon. OK.
"Noun. The residue of coal
"left after destructive distillation
and used as fuel."
- [ Clears throat ]
- Who ever heard of that?
Gentlemen, we need a coal magnate
with a home in Manhattan.
Two points-- the alchemist.
There's nothing in there but discotheque.
It could be something small
like an IBM stock or something.
Keep looking.
[ Whistling ] Hey, what do we got here?
Is there a problem?
No, officer, no problems here.
Just, uh, changing my son.
That's a mighty big boy you got there.
Bet he's, uh, he's gonna be
a football star, huh?
Well, don't let me disturb you. Carry on.
OK, there, Billy. Up-a-bum.
Lift your little fanny.
Daddy's gonna change you now.
This is how we lost George Michael.
HANK: Come in, Boy Wonder,
this is control.
Studio 54 is not the coke house.
Head to the Frick museum on--
What's that all about?
My Nintendo DS Lite?
Goo-goo, gaga.
- Butter me, Hank. I'm on a roll.
- OK.
Um, how?
Alright, how is "wild"
in the "wild gray gentleman"
spelled?
Ye old-e-fashioned way.
What the hell does that even mean?
With an "e." You know, wild-e.
That's not old-e fashioned.
That's a surname.
Oscar "ding-dong" Wilde.
Alright, give me some time here.
[ Beep ] Control.
What is your 1 0-20, Boy Wonder?
Hank, it's Brock. Where's your father?
HANK: Kind of lost contact with him.
But he should be going to
the Frick museum with Mr. Billy.
Alright, book me on
the next flight to Laguardia.
How?
BROCK: I don't know, Hank.
Get White to do it.
Sweet pecan pie, I've solved it.
Alright, now, try to keep up.
"In a loud room of whistlers"
is the Whistler wing in the Frick.
"behind the wilde gray gentleman"
refers to Whistlef's painting
of Robert de Montesquiou
the guy who was the model
for Dorian Gray.
And who wrote
The Picture of Dorian Gray?
Edgar Allan Poe.
Not even close, Hank.
It was Oscar Wilde.
So, "behind the wilde gray
gentleman" means
"behind the portrait of
Montesquiou." Get it?
A-almost.
Doesn't matter. Just call your dad.
DR. VENTURE: Billy, knock it off.
You almost hit the painting
with your arrow.
Don't even try to tell me
that hasn't been your fantasy
since you saw The Pink Panther.
So, it's behind this?
Alright, let's tear it down.
Uh, don't you think we should check out
the room behind this
before we destroy a priceless masterpiece?
Rusty's back.
It's the old stuff, Billy.
I'm feeling it again.
Alright. "Behind the Wilde gray
gentleman sits the 22121 0."
- Super.
- OK, I think I got something.
The 22nd letter is--
I got it! Billy! Billy!
Keep it down.
We're in a museum.
Trying to get us popped?
Sorry. I cracked the final code.
It was a simple substitution.
[ Clears throat ]
We are looking for an Orb.
Wow, you are back.
Me and Rusty Venture
solving mysteries.
We haven't found it yet,
so keep your pants on.
Why? Are you planning on
taking them off again?
Paperweight, my ass.
Hello, sweet thing. [ Laughs ]
Well, like my dad used to say
"You want to hide something
leave it where everybody can see it."
My god, it's gorgeous.
- Let me see.
- No. Don't know what it is yet.
Could be dangerous.
What? Wrong.
I got to know what it is.
Been looking
for that fucking thing for 30 years.
- Billy, don't be such a dick.
- Poop.
This isn't an invention.
It's a responsibility.
I need to study this.
And if we find that it will help
mankind move peacefully forward
then we shall share its teachings
because we are not
only men of science.
- We--
- Are men of hope.
How did you know
what I was gonna say?
What? Your dad said that
at the end of, like, every episode.
Oh. Well, he was right.
I mean, he was always right. [ Chuckles ]
My dad hid this for a reason,
and we have to respect that.
The guy was a crappy father.
But, Billy, I'll tell you, he--
he was a great scientist.
No.
Rusty, please. Come on.
You got to hit this. Don't leave me hanging.
Alright, just once.
And if this ever gets out
My lips are sealed.
BOTH: Go team Venture!
HANK: Hey, pop.
What was the treasure?
What? Oh, it was nothing.
Just a-a note from my father.
Where's Brock?
I want him to get right on
fixing up his room.
It's a pigsty.
HANK: I thought he was with you.
[ Cracking ]
[ Engine turns over ]
[ Engine revving ]