Young Sheldon (2017) s04e08 Episode Script

[adult Sheldon] Previously on
Young Sheldon
[Dr. Linkletter]
Hello, Mrs. Cooper.
I just want to let you know,
with Dr. Sturgis away,
I'll be available
should Sheldon need anything.
Now, I'm not terribly
experienced around children.
If he needs to use the restroom,
I don't have to go in with him, do I?
I don't need you to babysit me.
I'm perfectly self-reliant.
Then it's good I kept the receipt
for this bottle of bubbles
shaped like a bear.
Welcome to the world of philosophy.
I'm going to teach you
that you don't even know
what you think you know.
Oh, boy.
I'm not going to school.
Why not?
Because I don't know what's real.
Nothing matters.
George?
All right. What's the problem here?
I don't know what's real.
Well, it's a fun thing to think about
on the way to school.
Get up and get dressed.
Maybe I'm already dressed.
Maybe I'm wearing a zoot suit and spats.
That's a shoe covering
that's short for spatterdasher.
Or is it?
There's no way to know.
Here's what I know.
I don't have time for this nonsense.
[Sheldon] What is time?
What is sense? What is "is"?
Sheldon, I mean it.
I remember when things meant things.
All right, I'm gonna count to three.
One
Believing in numbers,
that takes me back.
- Two.
- "To be or not to be."
Shakespeare was onto something.
This is your last chance.
Have you ever wondered
if you're the tongue
of a multidimensional being,
trying to taste something
you can never even understand?
I have.
I talked to him.
Where is your mother?
She had to leave for work.
I have to work, too.
You also get to take me to school.
What am I supposed to do
about your brother?
Call me old-fashioned,
but I say spank him.
Your mom won't let me.
[theme song playing]
Okay, I'm here. What's up?
Sheldon won't get out of bed
and I'm gonna be late for work,
he's going to be late for school.
So you want me
to get him up and drive him?
Yeah.
I like it better when I just
come eat your food and leave.
Hey, Moonpie. What's going on here?
That's an excellent question.
Too bad there's no answer.
Well, you need to get out of bed.
I don't need to do anything.
Okay. I'm gonna count to three.
Dad already counted to three.
Oh.
Did he try the Texas thing?
No.
In that case
Look at you lying there.
When a Texan gets knocked off a horse,
he gets right back on.
That is the second most important thing
about being a Texan,
right after thinking
you're better than everybody else.
Maybe the horse gets back on the Texan.
Who's to say?
I don't know what that means.
That's because you can't know anything.
If you need to stare at the ceiling
and contemplate the futility
of existence,
Missy's bed is available.
Amazing.
What is?
I've been using the same pen
for seven months
and it's still going.
That's your bar for amazing?
Yep.
Sad.
It's the same pen.
- [telephone ringing]
- It is too early in the morning for you.
Hello.
Yeah, I'll be down in a bit.
Where are you headed?
Principal's office.
Ooh, you're in trouble.
You're a child.
[laughs] I'd rather be a child
than in trouble.
Shelly, Dr. Sturgis
is on the line for you.
Maybe he is, maybe he isn't,
but very well.
- Hello?
- Hi, Sheldon.
I hear you're going through
some sort of existential crisis.
I suppose so.
I just don't know
if we can tell what's real or not,
and if nothing's real,
I don't know what to think
or if I'm even thinking at all.
I went through something similar once.
Really? What happened?
I was trekking through the Amazon
and I saw two frogs,
one hallucinogenic and the other not.
[chuckles] I tried
to lick the normal one,
and by mistake,
I licked the hallucinogenic one.
It really rocked my world.
Why would you lick either of them?
I'm not sure. Probably low blood sugar.
But the point is,
I also lost track of reality.
How did you handle it?
I saw a jaguar and I realized
I didn't care if it was real or not.
I just hauled my tushy out of there.
I appreciate the call.
I'm giving you back to my Meemaw now.
Bye.
Hey, John. Any luck?
Not unless you have access
to a jaguar.
I don't think I do.
Really, any jungle cat will do.
Hey, Tom.
George.
Sheldon's not here anymore.
Thought it'd be a while
before I got called back
into the principal's office.
How's he doing? I miss that kid.
He took a philosophy class
and won't get out of bed
'cause he doesn't know
what's real anymore.
Anyway,
we need to talk about Georgie.
Should have seen that coming.
What's wrong?
Well, he's been cutting classes.
Already? Semester's barely started.
He's a go-getter.
Mmm.
- I'll talk to him.
- Thanks.
How are the team
looking this year, George?
We just had
one difficult conversation, Tom.
Let's not have another.
Smart.
[adult Sheldon] While my Meemaw
wasn't able to acquire a jungle cat,
the idea of tormenting a child
did tickle her Texan fancy.
Sheldon.
I have someone else
who wants to talk to you.
What are you doing
with that filthy thing?
Why do you care?
If nothing is real,
then neither is the chicken.
Oh, good. We're standing now.
That's progress.
Get her out of here.
Well, I would, but
[chuckles]
Apparently,
I can't know what here is.
So maybe I could just
set her on your bed.
Okay, okay. I'll get dressed.
Make it snappy.
This still doesn't solve
my existential crisis.
Say what? You wanna hold her?
No.
Less talk. More pants.
What's your first class?
Solid-state physics at 11:30.
- You'll make it just in time.
- Although
And before you say
"Does time even exist?" it does.
So stop wasting mine.
What's this philosophy teacher's name?
Professor Ericson. Why?
I might pop in and say hello.
Be careful.
She may make you question
your most deeply held values.
I'm a stubborn old crank.
I'll do just fine.
I'm a stubborn young crank,
and it didn't help me.
You wanted to see me?
Sit down.
Is this gonna take long?
I need to get to class.
From what I hear,
you don't care about that.
Now sit.
What the hell you doin'?
I cut a class. Who cares?
It was more than one, and I care.
You start flunking out,
you're gonna get kicked off the team.
Fine.
Well, now you don't care about football?
Not really.
I don't know what's going on with you,
but you better
get your head out of your ass.
Football's a waste of time.
I have a job I could be at.
You made a commitment to the team
and you're gonna honor it.
Are we done?
Just get back to class.
And I better see you at practice.
Well, I don't know if I can find it
with my head up my ass.
So, according to de Broglie,
lambda equals "h"
divided by "m" times what?
Sheldon?
Is it velocity?
Yes. Now
Or is it a velociraptor?
I'm sorry?
Perhaps lambda equals "h" divided
by "m" times a velociraptor.
Or a velveteen rabbit.
Ooh! Or Velveeta.
That's the cheese my mom puts
on broccoli when she's being fancy.
Is this from your philosophy class?
Or perhaps that Ren and Stumpy
I've heard about.
Philosophy.
Mr. Cooper, do you really believe
that de Broglie's equation
contains Velveeta cheese?
Well, I don't know.
Maybe he was just trying to be fancy.
Hello.
Can I help you?
Hi. I'm Connie Tucker.
I'm Sheldon Cooper's grandmother.
Oh! Nice to meet you.
He is a remarkable young man.
Yes, he is.
He's also a very
impressionable young man,
kind of like a lump of clay
with a bowtie.
All I did was teach him
about epistemology.
Whatever it is you're teaching him,
it has made him question everything.
That's the goal.
Lady, I had to threaten him with
a chicken so he'd put his pants on.
Well, I don't know
what's gotten into that kid.
He's allowed to not
want to play football.
Can you, for once in your life,
take my side, Wayne?
It's not my fault you're never right.
So you think it's okay he just quit?
He doesn't get that much playing time.
Well, in my family, we don't quit.
I don't know.
You quit my book club pretty quick.
I'm talking about football.
Why is it so important to you
that he play?
Are you sure you're a coach?
Team sports provides confidence,
leadership, discipline.
So does holding down a job,
which he seems to shine at.
Let's just eat in silence.
Fine.
I still think you should have read
The Color Purple.
We were bawling.
Although tasty,
a brick of cheese is not a number.
Why are we still talking about this?
Maybe we're not talking at all.
Okay, that's enough for today.
Not your best lecture.
It's fairly normal
for first-time philosophy students
to have their world views shaken.
Do they snap out of it?
Well, you hope.
Professor Ericson, I insist that
Hello, Connie.
What a pleasant surprise.
Hey.
I'm sorry you're about to see me
speak harshly to my colleague.
Have at it.
Professor Ericson, I insist
that you speak to this young man
and explain to him
that reality is real
and it's possible to know
things as fact.
The class is called
Introduction to Philosophy.
That's what I did.
Well, un-introduce him.
Yes. He's at this school
'cause of his brilliant scientific mind.
He spent my last class
talking about processed cheese.
Sheldon, is that true?
Nothing's true.
You see what you've done? You broke him.
Hey.
How come you didn't want
to get out of bed this morning?
If I can't know what's real,
what's the point?
You have the right words.
You're just saying them wrong.
It's not "What's the point?"
It's "What's the point?"
I don't understand.
Asking these questions is exciting.
It's what gets me out of bed.
That's interesting.
Richard Feynman did say
the greatest joy in life
is the pleasure of finding things out.
Feynman, he's the physics guy, right?
Yes. And your perfume is beguiling.
It's all making sense to me now.
Thank you.
I am happy to help.
Dr. Linkletter, I'm dropping your class
and switching my major to philosophy.
What?
[Sheldon] It's funny.
This morning I couldn't get out of bed
and now I stand before a whole
new exciting field of study.
Maybe instead of making this big switch,
you could study both.
You could be physics-philosophy guy.
You sound like a logical positivist.
That's a branch of philosophy
that maintains
the best way to philosophize
is through science.
Well, there you go.
Do that.
It may be too early to specialize.
I've only been a philosopher
for 15 minutes.
Did you notice
Dr. Linkletter didn't look
too thrilled about you leaving science?
He never looks thrilled about anything.
I think that's just his face.
That's the face.
Why the hell weren't you at practice?
Can't talk right now. I'm working.
Well, you're gonna talk about it.
What do you want from me?
I don't wanna play football.
I wanna work.
You have your whole life
to hold down a job.
Hey, I like my job.
It's not my problem you hate yours.
Do whatever you want.
[adult Sheldon] To figure out which
school of philosophy suited me best,
I decided to sample each one.
The same way I determined
my favorite flavor of oatmeal.
Plain.
What are you doing?
I'm practicing
the philosophy of cynicism.
The ancient Greek view that
the rules of society should be ignored.
If you're gonna break rules,
you can do better than that.
How?
[yelps]
[adult Sheldon]
Renaissance humanism is finding meaning
in the human form through art.
- Can I move?
- No.
But my butt itches.
Scratch it on your own time.
[adult Sheldon] Nihilists believe that
there's no point to anything
because it all ends in nothingness.
Mind if I put on MTV?
Doesn't matter.
We're all going to die anyway.
Deep thought, dingus.
[adult Sheldon]
Traditionalism is the philosophy
that the best way of life
is a return to the past.
What are you doing?
Making my own butter
like in olden times.
That's stupid.
[adult Sheldon] My arms are still sore.
Altruism is the belief that
we should live only
by bringing happiness to others.
These are for you.
Thanks.
What the hell?
[adult Sheldon]
Egoism is the belief that we should live
only by bringing happiness to ourselves.
They're pretty good.
[adult Sheldon]
Transcendentalists were philosophers
who believed that our deepest connection
is with nature.
Meh.
I'm beautiful.
And then Georgie accuses me
of hating my job.
Is this where I thought I'd end up?
No.
Is this where you thought you'd end up?
I thought I'd be working
in my father's funeral home,
sewing people's eyes shut.
My life turned out great.
Well, good for you.
Worst part is, I think Georgie's right.
You're not happy at work?
I could see if my dad's hiring.
How are your sewing skills?
It's not work.
[sighs]
Honestly, I don't know
if I'm happy anywhere.
Gosh.
When I asked y'all to hang for a drink,
I didn't know
you were gonna be such a bummer.
Jeez Louise.
[knocking on door]
Dr. Linkletter.
Sheldon, good to see you.
Come on in.
I don't suppose you're here
to discuss physics, are you?
As a matter of fact, I am.
Excellent.
I'm here to drop your class.
I just need you to sign this.
Have a seat.
Sheldon, I don't know
if you've thought this through,
but you're here on a
physics scholarship,
and switching to philosophy
may not be well-received.
Ordinarily, I'd be concerned,
but I'm currently embracing hedonism.
Sheldon, I've been made
responsible for you.
And so far, it's not going very well.
You were admitted to this university
for your scientific acumen
and changing majors
could have serious repercussions.
Son, please try to understand.
If you abandon physics for philosophy,
you're gonna be missing out
on the opportunity
to be part of something great.
[adult Sheldon]
As Dr. Linkletter prattled on,
I couldn't help but notice
the beauty of that ephemeral bubble.
I wondered if perhaps
we're all just bubbles
being buffeted through life
on a stream of currents
beyond our understanding.
Look at it.
The local minimization
achieves a global maximization
and it's nearly perfect.
I wondered if this was the key
to the smoothness
of matter in the universe.
The cosmic web of stars and galaxies
could hold it together
like the web of polymers in soap.
This could be
a whole new area of research.
Changing majors would be a huge mistake.
But if this is what you really want
here you go.
- Sheldon.
- What?
Here you go.
Good luck with philosophy.
Oh, I'm back on science now.
I have work to do.
[theme music playing]