American Housewife (2016) s04e15 Episode Script

1
Are you reading your own
John Stuart Mill book?
I finally convinced
the university
to let me teach a class
on Mill,
so I'm brushing up
on my favorite anecdotes.
Wrote a history of Rome
at age 6
- the scamp.
- That's it.
We're losing the swear jar
and getting a dork jar.
You owe a quarter
for "scamp."
I'm getting a hot tub
next month.
But it might not get
off the ground.
Only a few students
have signed up so far.
You want to fill up
the class?
Just teach a subject kids
care about.
Like water slides
or skateboard fails.
Good tips. Helpful.
Uh-huh.
You're still reading
"Gone Girl"?
Don't say it
like that.
- It's been years!
- Ohh.
You checked that out
on my library card.
They're gonna revoke
my microfiche privileges!
Another quarter.
And it's not my fault.
Every time I pick it up,
a child interrupts me.
Is my breath really that bad?
What's my Social Security
number?
A Nigerian prince needs it.
Mom, is my nose bleeding?
And then there's
the "I can't find my" s.
Mom, I can't find my
- Backpack.
- Jacket.
- Sneaker.
- Headphones.
- Toothbrush.
- Other sneaker.
- Turtle.
- Sunglasses.
- Lucky socks.
- Keys.
- Cufflinks.
- Lucky earrings.
- Lipstick.
- Ascot.
- Lucky hairband.
- Sunglasses.
- Shoehorn.
- Lucky cough drop.
- Charger.
- Charger.
Lucky charger.
I haven't had a moment
to myself
since Taylor kicked out
my mucus plug.
Lovely.
One of you has
to take me driving.
I need 40 hours
to get my license.
I can't even complain
about being interrupted
without being interrupted!
There is nowhere
that I can go
to get away
from these people.
I decided what I wanted
for my big girl room.
Direct your eyes
to my vision board.
It's Jackie O's
5th Avenue Apartment.
I loved her ever since I saw her
in the Zapruder Film.
We don't have money
for new furniture,
but you are free to use whatever
you find around the house.
There's a bunch of old furniture
in the basement.
If we don't have
any money,
then why does Taylor
have that fancy new hoodie?
Didn't Trip buy that
for her?
No. She bought it with the money
she took from your wallet.
Taylor, is that true?
You said I could take a $20,
so I did!
Three times.
- I'll pay you back!
- With what?
With my future
famous-person money.
Oh!
As long
as you have a plan.
Thank you.
You're grounded.
Why couldn't you mind
your own stupid business?
I'm 10!
My business is boring!
If Taylor gets a hoodie,
I want a driving instructor.
Well, we all want things,
Oliver.
I want to finish this book
before cataracts
make my eyes explode,
but I don't think
that's gonna happen.
That's a library book!
Another quarter.
AMERICAN HOUSEWIFE
Season 04 Episode 15
Episode Title: "In My Room"
Aired on: March 25, 2020
Okay, Lonnie,
you were 19 years old
and the biggest thing
on the Internet.
What did you do with
your first check from YouTube?
I bought a small town in Wyoming
and renamed it "Fartsville."
They just got
an Applebee's.
Hey, after work,
can you come with me
to the aquarium?
I need you to distract
the guards
while I jump
into the shark tank.
Why on Earth
would you do that?
Got to, bruh.
There's this new guy chomping
at my likes on YouTube,
Johnny Goodwin.
So I have to do
something huge,
or Johnny's gonna snake my spot
as most-watched YouTuber.
Look at this.
Come here.
Did he just throw
a live crocodile
into that man's bath?
That's his dad.
Yeah.
He does tons of dad videos.
It's spectacular content,
yo.
His dad could have lost
any number
of very important
body parts.
My pops is not a team player
like that,
so I got to go in
with the sharks.
I forbid it.
As long as you're spending time
under my roof,
you're not going
to do anything stupid.
And before you retort,
let me be clear
It is not Opposite Day
and will never be
Opposite Day.
Hold up.
- You could be my old dude.
- No.
People already know you
on my channel
as Professor Badonkadonk.
I'm not crazy about that.
I'm not a Badonkadonk.
I have
a normal-sized fanny.
If I'm not getting the most
likes when our book comes out,
that's bad for sales.
Yeah, but
Which is bad for your bonus.
- But
- Which means
you spent
the last five months with me
getting pelted with paintballs
for no reason.
Yeah,
I still don't think
No reason!
- Ow!
- No reason!
- Ow!
- No reason!
Ow!
Okay, I'll help you!
Yeah! The Donks is in!
Come here, let me give
that ginormous ass a slap.
It's not that big!
Oliver wants driving lessons,
and Anna-Kat and Taylor
are at each other's throats.
I don't have a second
for myself.
Well, with the divorce and
splitting the kids with Richard,
all I have is time.
Me too.
Yesterday, I played "Fortnite"
on my kids' Xbox.
- Oh.
- I had 18 kills,
then I got shot by a 9-year-old
dressed like a banana.
- Ohh.
- Divorce is amazing.
The only downside is that,
if you fall in the shower,
your kids are gonna find you
naked.
I'm not divorcing Greg.
Well, I can't help you
with Taylor and
Anna-Kat.
Yeah, Anna-Kat.
Uh, but I will take Oliver
driving.
Thank you, and why?
Yeah,
you can't stand him.
Uh, well,
he's fun to yell at.
He doesn't cry, but his eyes
get all glisteny like I like.
Oh, dear!
But, seriously, folks,
gorillas are endangered.
Recycle, yo.
Oh, dear!
Yes!
Disclaimer
No humans were harmed
during the filming
of this video.
My tailbone.
Oh dear!
Oh, dear.
You gots to be ready
for the second gorilla, Donks.
You gots to!
Forget
Johnny Goodwin's dad.
You are racking up
the likes!
- Yeah. - As long as we keep
doing videos like these,
our book sales are going to be
as fat as that ass.
It's normal-sized!
By the way, you don't have
a pacemaker, do you?
You're not tasing me.
You know what?
Kate's right
Sometimes, you can be
exhausting, bruh.
Where did you get that?
I found it
in the basement.
Your dad and I used to have this
in our first apartment,
before we had kids.
Let me get in there.
I loved this chair.
I used to take naps in it
and read books.
Books? Really?
Huh. It's like learning you used
to be a figure skater.
I know it's hard
to believe,
but before I had kids,
my brain used to work.
Was there anything else
down there?
Oh, yeah. A bunch of other
weird old stuff,
lot of photos and baby junk
taking up
perfectly good
fallout-shelter real estate.
There.
Now it looks exactly like
the old studio apartment
Dad and I lived in.
None of this was
on my vision board.
And I don't believe Jackie O
had a hot-dog toaster.
When is Doris
gonna take me driving?
Mom,
there's a party tonight.
Can't you be cool and ground me
some other time?
Hey. You wanna hear the most
beautiful sound in the world?
Yeah.
- Mom!
- Hey! - Seriously?!
- Mom, it's my room!
- When is Doris gonna take me driving?!
Why can't I go to the
party?!
Somebody once told me
the world is gonna roll me ♪
I ain't the sharpest tool
in the shed ♪
She was looking kind of dumb ♪
With her finger
and her thumb ♪
In the shape of an "I"
on her forehead ♪
Hey, now,
you're an all-star ♪
If you have a complaint, demand,
a question
about anything other
than last night's episode
of "The Bachelor,"
I'm not here!
What's going on in
This looks like
our old apartment.
Isn't it amazing?
It is.
Plus
I saw Lonnie Googling,
"How poisonous are scorpions?"
So it's nice to be
in a safe place right now.
Oh, my God,
the tiki bar.
The easy charm
of French Polynesia
with none of
the painful colonialist scars.
The lamp I used to hit
my head on.
The chair we accidentally made
Taylor in.
The old VCR!
It still has "How to Make an
American Quilt" jammed inside.
I think, of all the group
sewing movies,
that one is my favorite.
Mm.
So, what does Anna-Kat think
of her new room?
Bup-bup-bup-bup! Hup!
We don't have kids yet, Greg.
It's 1999.
My only obligation
is to finally finish this book.
My devil sticks!
I used to rock these.
Hup!
I'm not going through this
again.
Wow, you're giving me
driving lessons in a Bentley?
Mm-hmm.
Hey!
Stop groping my car, perv!
Get in.
You're not sitting up here
with me?
No.
You know I don't like
being around you.
Then why did you offer
to drive with me?
I'm getting
dental work done.
They're putting me under
and say I need someone I know
- to drive me home.
- Why me?
Because the procedure
takes three hours,
and I didn't want
to make anyone wait.
Your time
is worth nothing.
Drive!
Where am I going?
Just get on the Parkway.
Oh, no, I only know how
to drive on regular streets.
Take the Parkway.
I'm not ready.
The Parkway!
You're right.
Studies show that screaming
improves both confidence
and cognition.
Stop overthinking it
and just go!
You're a bully,
and I won't be bullied.
I help kids deal
with people like you
every day
at Teen Help Line.
Ugh! Teen Help Line.
This is how every call
should go.
"Thanks for calling
Teen Help Line.
Time to sack up, loser!"
I did it!
I finally finished
"Gone Girl."
Well?
Didn't care for it.
Should have just watched
the movie.
At least I would have seen
some Affleck peen.
Should we go back out
in the real world?
I have to work on
the John Stuart Mill syllabus
for my three students.
Or we could stay in here
a bit longer.
What else did we used to do
back then?
We still do that now.
Not the way we used to.
Well, if we're gonna do it
that way,
I need 15 minutes
to stretch.
I like
post-dental surgery Doris.
I've been driving
for 10 minutes,
and you haven't pointed out
any of the places
I'm gonna start balding.
I can't believe
he just walked out.
He didn't even want
to work on it.
The dentist?
What is going on
in your mouth?
No. Richard.
Just forget I said anything,
okay?
I'm all sideways
from the nitrous.
And I might've taken a few
pre-game anti-anxiety pals.
Pills.
No, they're my pals.
If you want to talk about it,
I'm here to listen.
Do not
Teen Help Line me,
or I will
teen face punch you.
Richard should be
driving me home.
He was my
"in case of emergency" contact.
Now you are! Ugh!
And I thought sleeping
with my dog's allergist
was rock bottom
Why didn't you call my mom
or Angela?
I didn't want
their pity.
I'm always telling them
how divorce
and all the free time I have now
is amazing.
But it's not.
It's really lonely.
Well, the best thing to do
is talk about your feelings.
- You know, get out
- There's a gun in my glove compartment!
Shoot me with it!
Alright.
You were saying?
You may not be able
to see it now,
but you're lucky.
You've got close friends.
And if you stop pretending to be
so tough all the time
and open up to them,
I'm confident that,
with their help,
you'll be able
to move on from Richard
and have a fulfilling,
happy life.
Holy crap!
What?!
You're on the Parkway.
Hey, I am.
Guess I was so busy
talking to you,
I didn't think about it.
I'm driving
on the Parkway.
Now let me give you
some advice
Do not do drugs.
But if you do, you should take
whatever I'm on,
because
I am feeling gooood.
Since Mom is making you stay
in my room,
I guess I have to tell you
I'm sneaking out
to go to that party.
You're grounded.
Mom's not gonna like it.
So you're gonna tattle
again?
It's not tattling.
It's just telling Mom the truth.
You need to get
on my side.
It goes both ways.
You cover for me,
I cover for you.
I don't need you
to cover for me.
But eventually you will.
You're gonna want to do things
they don't want you to do.
Like get
that Hindenburg tattoo.
"Oh, the humanity"
written amongst the flames.
To do it right, it'd need
to cover my whole back.
Mom's not gonna
let you do that.
So when you do it anyways,
you need me on your side.
And the only way
I'm gonna do that
is if you're on my side.
Squid pro quo.
- You shouldn't go.
- I have to.
The party is all everyone
will be talking about
at lunch on Monday,
going like, "That was so epic,"
and I'll be like,
"Totes MaGotes Papa Choats,"
and they'll be like,
"I."
It's a grown-up thing.
You wouldn't understand.
That's the way I like it
and I never get bored ♪
Hey, now, you're an all-star,
get your game on, go play ♪
Hey, now, you're a rock star,
get the show on, get paid ♪
- All that glitters is gold ♪
- In here, it is 1999.
- No kids.
- No exes.
No "Fortnite."
Only shooting stars break the mold ♪
Seriously,
I cannot stop playing.
I haven't gone to work
in two days.
Katie?
Be cool.
It's my old man.
Mm.
Hey, honey.
It's midnight.
What's going on with you?
You've been locked in that room
for 12 hours.
And yet I have never felt
more free.
Greg, kids are like
a 24-hour diner
Once it opens,
it never closes.
And you can't skip a shift.
Ever.
This room
is taking me back
before we opened
our diner.
I'm tired.
- And I just need a break.
- I get that.
But just for my own crazy
wanting-to-know-what's-going-on,
how long are you planning
to pretend you don't have kids?
How long did I pretend
my hand was broken
so you had to do
all the cooking?
Six months.
That sounds about right.
Taylor?
Cover my tables.
I'm calling in sick.
What do you think
you're doing?
I was just downstairs
getting a midnight snack.
Dressed like that?
Is there anything I could say
that would get me out of this?
I'm taking suggestions.
Go to your room.
I will deal with you
in the morning.
She didn't even try
climbing up the trellis.
She just waltzed
right into the front door.
What kind of sneaking
is that?
Ohh! That reflects so poorly
on me as a mother.
Katie, you cannot leave me
with 1999 Doris.
She keeps doing
the "Wassup" commercial.
- Wassup?!
- See?
I just wanted to take
a little break,
but you couldn't let me,
could you?
I know what happened.
You saw a little glimmer
of freedom in my eye,
and you couldn't stand it,
and you had to snuff it out!
You're a mother-snuffer!
It wasn't Taylor's fault.
When I was going to bed,
I realized I'd left my jacket
at the park,
so Taylor went to go get it
for me.
Then why was she
all dressed up?
There was a fashion flash mob
at the same time.
To raise awareness
for the garment industry
working conditions.
How did Taylor know
about it?
How did you not know?
Offline Otto over here.
So Taylor went
and got my jacket for me.
'Cause that's what sisters do.
They have each other's backs.
That is
the most ridiculous
Okay.
Thank you for clearing that up.
Very nice of you, Taylor.
Saved me a trip.
- You're welcome.
- Mm-hmm.
Are you still drunk?
A little.
Listen,
I've got some good news
and bad news.
Okay, let's start
with the good news.
Anna-Kat was covering
for Taylor.
She has never done that
before.
Don't you see
what this means?
I have some ideas,
but I sense
you really just want
to say your thing.
The kids are starting
to take care of one another.
If I'm not available,
they will turn to each other
and not me.
That means
I get more breaks!
I'm gonna go check
on Doris.
She went pretty hard last night,
passed out.
Wait,
what's the bad news?
Anna-Kat
is a terrible liar.
Once again, this reflects poorly
on me as a mother.
- Aah!
- Oh, dear!
Ah!
Come on, Lonnie!
You've done this same prank
so many times!
No, this one's
totally different.
I'm a lady gorilla.
Didn't you notice the bikini?
The future is female,
bruh.
I'm not doing your videos
anymore.
The book isn't worth it.
I'm a respected educator.
My job is
to make the world smarter.
These videos are clearly
only making it dumber.
So, enough is enough.
I'm Professor Otto,
not Professor Badonkadonk!
Don't worry, folks.
He doesn't mean it.
It's Opposite Day.
I said it would never be
Opposite Day!
Yeah, but you said it
on Opposite Day!
You did some damage
last night.
I'm miserable
being divorced.
I had a feeling.
Why didn't you
say something?
Pbht!
You know
that I'm here for you.
Yeah. I do.
Okay.
Look, I know you said
no kid talk last night
- Mm-hmm
- But I want to tell you something,
and this isn't easy for me
to say
Oliver is
really becoming
less hateable.
Are you
trying to tell me
that you are starting
to like him?
No. Never!
I'm just saying he's
detestable lite.
I was in a bad way
yesterday,
and he really helped me
through something.
Parenting
is such a grind,
but then someone comes along
and tells you
that your son
is a good kid
I never said "good kid."
It makes you not want
to pretend
that you don't have them
anymore.
I'm glad I could help.
Now I really got to do something
about this hangover.
Oliver, quit doing
gross boy stuff!
I need you to drive me
to Taco Bell!
You're here
for John Stuart Mill:
An Intro
to Utilitarianism?
Damn straight!
Okay.
Wow.
Well, welcome, everyone.
Dude, say, "Oh, dear!"
Oh.
My name is Professor Otto.
- This sucks.
- Get outta here.
The cornerstone
of Mill's philosophy
is the greatest happiness
for the greatest number
of people
should be the guiding principle
of any conduct.
With that in mind,
I give you
Badonkadonk!
Date my mom,
Professor Badonkadonk!
Whoo! Badonkadonk!
Let's get started.
I think this is the last
of your old stuff.
Sorry I stole your room
for a little while.
It's okay, Mom.
Mood swings are very common
for a woman your age,
as well as hot flashes
and
Anna-Kat,
I'm not even 40!
irritability.
Moving on.
Dad and I
talked about it,
and we are going to find a way
to buy you some of that stuff
that you want
for your big girl room.
- Are you serious?
- Mm-hmm.
Thanks, Mom.
I don't care
what anyone else says
I think you're handling
menopause with a lot of grace.
Well,
I guess in the end,
I married the person I thought
my parents wanted me to marry.
Not the man
I wanted to marry.
I thought you were supposed to
talk to my mom about this stuff.
Well, she doesn't always have
the best advice.
Plus, she doesn't know anything
about divorce.
And I do?
Well, you're very familiar
with loneliness, I imagine.
For your information,
I am single by choice.
Yeah, other people's choice.
I see
you're feeling better.