Inside No. 9 (2014) s06e05 Episode Script

This programme contains strong
language
BELL DINGS
I'm in the lift, Curt. Calm down.
I can't hear you.
Is that him shouting in the
background?
I'll be one minute. Tell him I'll be
one minute.
- Going up.
Can't keep away, Mr Bedford?
- I've been summoned by his nibs.
- You're a better man than me.
- God! Thank God! Where have you been?
- It's my night off, Curt. It's none
of your business.
What's going on? Where are all the
guests?
- He told them to go.
- Oh, no. Was he polite about it?
FROM OTHER ROOM:
- Two-faced bunch of pricks, the lot
of you!
- I've had enough of it, Urban.
- He's not well.
- Oh, you don't say.
Look at my heart rate.
I've been beeping like a reversing
lorry all afternoon.
My doctor told me to avoid stressful
situations.
- Where's the locum?
- Gone.
- Already? That was quick.
- I know. He couldn't get out fast
enough.
- Well, how long did he stick it?
- He only came at four, and he was
gone before Pointless started.
- DISTANTLY:
- Standing about pretending you all
give a fuck!
I don't even know who half of you are!
I didn't invite you!
- Did you give him anything to calm
him down?
- Do you mean him, or the locum?
- Him, in there!
- No. He was asking for his opioids,
but I said he'd have to wait for you.
- Good.
He's been in a foul mood all
afternoon.
- At one point, he said he wanted to
see a priest.
- What?
- Said he needed to confess something.
- Oh, for goodness' sake, why?
It's his birthday, he's not being
hanged.
- Huh!
That'd be one way to shut him up.
He's been babbling about his old
cases. Names I didn't know.
He said I had to light a candle for
him.
- Did he mean on his cake?
- I've no idea. But he was desperate
for you to be here.
said you were the only one who could
help him.
I thought, "Ooh, no offence taken!"
- He is just attention-seeking.
- Janine's made hunter chicken.
I wanted to be home by half eight.
- All right, Curt, you go.
You'll be fine if you make all your
connections.
- His birthday cake's in the kitchen,
if you want any.
I hope he chokes on it.
- Curt, go.
Love to Janine.
- Thank you, Urban.
Thank God for you.
- LIFT DOOR CLOSES
- Bedford, where the fuck are you?!
What do you think you're doing,
just pissing off whenever it suits
you?
- Nice to see you too, Mr Webster.
- What do I even pay you for?
- Oh, beats me.
Force of habit by now, I expect.
- Leaving me here to be looked after
by the man in the fucking moon.
- Well, who's that, then?
- Oh, that useless blob Curt drafted
in.
Had a head like a fucking globe.
- Mm. So, how many's that you've got
through now?
This needs changing.
- Oh, God knows.
Eh, you were around the 30-mark, I
think.
Yeah, you're the best of a bad bunch.
- Oh, high praise!
No, it's fine, really.
I'd much rather be back here than at
my friend's concert.
I've been dying to see you since, er,
ooh, when was it?
Lunchtime today.
- Well, I AM dying, so
- It's your birthday! What're you so
upset about?
Is it because of last year, when I
took you to that antique auction,
and three people bid on you?
- Urban, please, may I have 50
milligrams of fentanyl?
- No, you may not, Mr Webster.
- You're a bastard!
- Not for another three hours.
And don't think you can get round me
by using my first name.
- Curt tells me you're always calling
him by his first name.
- It won't work with me.
- Oh, that's not what I'm calling him.
- Rude.
- This is supposed to be palliative
care,
not some kind of prolonged torture.
- Well, someone should've read the
small print, then.
I don't think you can have one without
the other.
You've got your patch on, that's
supposed to tide you over.
- It's not touching the fucking sides
any more.
I'm burning alive here.
You're meant to provide me with
- Open.
- You're a bully.
- Shush.
I like taking your temperature.
- Mm?
- Stops you talking for a minute.
- Oh!
- I'm sorry about your pills.
If I give you any more right now,
you'd overdose and die.
How about I bring you a nice piece of
birthday cake?
I'll blow your candles out for you. We
can pretend you did it.
- I haven't got time for this!
- Oh, really? What else are you up to?
You off rock climbing?
Got some scuba diving booked I don't
know about?
- You shouldn't make jokes at my
expense.
I have some very powerful friends.
- You used to have! You told 'em all
to go forth and multiply, didn't ya?
You're feverish. I'm not happy.
- What time is it, in real life?
- Time you stopped babbling and calmed
yourself down.
I'll get you a flannel.
- What was this concert you missed?
- Oh, it doesn't matter, it's done
now.
- Oh, just tell me!
Why do you have to make everything so
fucking exhausting?
- My friend Dolly plays clarinet with
the BBC Concert Orchestra.
She had a solo tonight at the Royal
Albert Hall.
I had tickets booked, that's all.
- Well, how much was the ticket? I'll
reimburse you.
- It was a comp. That's not the point,
is it?
It was Dolly's big night.
She'd have appreciated my support.
Lift up.
- WellI appreciate your support.
- Yeah, I know you do.
But I get to see you every day, don't
I?
She might never get to do that again.
But I'd put money on me getting a few
more goes at wiping your bum.
- Oh, Godit's so humiliating to me
to hear that.
You shame me.
- I'm only joking.
I've never bet on anything in me life.
- Oh, that doesn't surprise me.
You don't fucking swear either, do
you?
- I have been known to blurt out
"fiddlesticks" in moments of crisis.
- Remarkable.
You are such a kind soul.
- I'm not really. It's just a front.
I just do nice things to balance it
out.
Now, why did you get me back here
tonight?
- Well, you've only ever known the ill
version of me,
but I was very successful at a very
early age.
When I was young and well, God, I
..I lived my life with such vigour.
- I know. I've read the articles.
A winning streak that lasted over 45
years.
It's unheard of. You were fearless.
The Lion of the Bailey, they called
you.
- I can't remember how I did it.
And, then, as you get older, this
fucking timidity creeps in.
You get cowed by youth, overwhelmed by
the self-confidence of others.
- I bet it's just like riding a bike.
You just need warming up again.
Show me how you used to do it.
- Oh, don't be ridiculous.
- No, come on, it'll be fun.
And I'll get to see the Lion in
action.
- Lion? Dead cat, more like.
- I'll pick a crime, and then, you try
and get me off.
So to speak.
- I am not in the mood.
- I'll give you half a fentanyl.
- Very well.
So, Mr Bedford, what exactly are they
accusing you of?
- Ah, yes. Now, it's a rather delicate
matter.
- Go on.
- Well, it's to do with an incident
that happened last month
with my ex-wife.
- Wife?!
This story is already stretching
credulity.
- Just go along with it.
So, I turned up at her house,
where she was hosting a birthday party
for our precious daughter Xylophone
and, in a room full of 25 witnesses,
I pulled out a shotgun, I tied her up,
and I drove her to my isolated
cottage, where I held her captive
until she agreed to give me custody.
- Of your precious daughter,
Xylophone?
- Correct.
- And did she?
- No.
So I shot her in the face.
Right.
Go on, then. How would you plead that?
- Well, lawful excuse.
My client was cleaning his licensed
hunting rifle in readiness
for a grouse shoot when he genuinely
mistook what turned out to be
the bursting of a children's party
balloon for live fire.
Fearing for his wife's wellbeing,
he immediately drove her to a safe
house in the country,
using a length of rope to prevent her
from injuring herself
on the journey.
- Wow!
- Furthermore, it is my intention
to file a product liability claim for
substandard party balloons
with reference to British Standard
3303, part one.
- How much for the claim?
- I think we'd be happy to settle for
five million, plus costs.
- Oh-ho-ho, get in!
The Lion roars again!
THEY LAUGH
You've still got it, Mr Webster!
HE CHOKES
Oh!
HE COUGHS
HE GASPS
BREATHES DEEPLY
- Well, thank you, Bedford, for this
short diversion.
But I need you to help me with
something tonight.
- Not another sudoku.
- No, come on, I'm serious.
- And so am I. That's why I'm here
with you,
and not listening to my friend, Dolly,
playing Mr Mozart.
- It's this birthday, this
Oh, the
It's such a weight.
I have to remember!
- If it's your age, it'll say on your
cake.
Shall I go and fetch it? Two plates,
pot of tea?
- No, bring me my Filofax.
- Why? Are we taking it on Antiques
Road show?
- Please! It's it's in the cabinet,
on the
..in the top drawer.
- Locked.
I don't suppose you can recall where
the key is.
- What do you think? You'll have to
smash it open.
- I'm not doing that!
I'm a trained nurse, I'm not a
labourer.
- I have to read through my old cases.
Something's troubling me.
- Wait a minute. Before we go all
World's Strongest Man
..do you remember where you keep your
old barista uniform?
- Barrister! And it's not a uniform.
- Where is it?
Cos I don't believe for a minute
you've given it to Dogs Trust.
- My robes and my wigs are in the back
of that wardrobe.
- Ah! Oh, there you are, you see.
No problem remembering where your
frocks are.
You've got your priorities right.
- What?
- What made you want to be a barrister
in the first place?
Was it this costume? Be honest.
- I don't know!
Why does anyone do anything?
Why did you end up doing this?
- I've never liked filing cabinets.
Which is funny, cos you'd put them in
the same camp as stationery,
and I love stationery.
- What are you talking about?
- I think they remind me of school.
Carl Jackson choking on a tangerine
before home economics.
I'll never forget how quickly he went
blue.
Carl was the school bully
..so nobody wanted to help him.
Everyone just stood about, eating
crisps.
I tried smacking him on the back,
sticking my fingers down his throat
- which I cringe at now, cos that's
really not protocol, but
..I was 13.
I didn't know what to do.
And I can still smell that orange.
He died on the floor in front of me.
They never even sent us home.
We just made an apple crumble with
Miss Phillipson
like nothing had happened.
So, in answer to your question,
I think that's why I've ended up doing
what I'm doing.
Spent my life trying to save Carl
Jackson.
Ah!
There we are.
I knew I'd find one.
Just like in the films.
Ta-da! How about that, Hetty
Wainthropp Investigates?!
- Wait!
Don't open it.
- What? Why not?
- I don't want you to. I've changed my
mind.
- Oh, you're joking.
- There's something terrible in there.
One of my old cases, something I did.
A weight.
- Well, we can't leave it at that, can
we? I'm opening it.
OPENS DRAWER
HE GASPS
- What is it?
- Oh, my God.
Human head!
Oh, Mr Webster, who is this? What did
you do?
- Stop it! What is in there?
- Nothing. Just files, letters,
diaries.
Nothing too scary, by the look of it.
HE GROANS
All right, Mr Webster.
That is enough excitement for one day.
- You have to help me.
- I will help you, but you need to
rest.
- No, I don't want to sleep. You don't
understand.
What?
What have you?
- WEAK GROANS
MUSIC PLAYING
CLOCK TICKING
THUD
CHOKING
CHOKING CONTINUES
CHOKING AND STRUGGLING
No! Don't, no!
Don't! No!
Don't!
HE SCREAMS
HE GASPS
- I thought it was me that needed
sleep.
- Sorry.
Bad dream.
- Well, you found it.
After all this time.
- The Crown versus Andrew Waite.
- A rather ferrety-looking man,
accused of strangling his mistress
with a belt.
Everyone knew he was guilty.
And it looked like another defeat in
my dead-end career.
- But you got him off.
- Mm. I came across a piece of
evidence -
a photograph of Mr Waite attending a
party 80 miles away.
It was a cast-iron alibi and I played
it for all it was worth.
I dazzled that jury.
There were fireworks.
Mr Waite was released that very day.
- But you said he was guilty.
- The photograph was a fake.
I obtained it by immoral means.
I let a guilty man walk free.
It's haunted me ever since.
- You've probably never seen Frozen,
Mr Webster, but
..you've got to make like Elsa and let
it go.
If you've done something
unforgiveable
..you just have to forgive yourself.
- Do you forgive me, Urban?
- Course I do.
- Oh, what have I done to deserve you?
Is it nearly midnight?
- Five to. Why?
- He'll be here soon.
- Who?
- Threescore years ago,
I signed this contract.
But, tonight, my time is up.
- What are you talking about? I'll get
you a fentanyl.
- How do you think I became so
successfulovernight?
How did I come into possession of that
impossible piece of evidence?
- LOUD THUD
- It was
Oh, no.
- It's all right, Mr Webster, it's
only a power cut.
Your machines have their own
generator. You'll be fine.
- God forgive me!
- Look, I just need to go and flick
the circuits,
but I've got to go to the other room.
- Don't leave me! Please!
- I'll be right back.
Fuck!
- Bedford! What's going on? What's
that noise?
- It's all right, Mr Webster.
Stay where you are. It's dark. I don't
want you to fall.
CLOCK CHIMES
CLOCK CHIMES
CLOCK TOLLS THE HOUR
FINAL TOLL ECHOES
CLICK
LIFT STOPS
Hello?
ATTENDANT:
- How are you doing, Mr Bedford?
Everything all right in there?
- Ah! Thank goodness, yes.
I was just about to call you. What's
happened?
- Power's out right across town.
How's Mr Webster? Is he OK?
- He's good.
We, er, had a bit of a rough night.
A trip down memory lane.
He got a bitoveremotional.
- Special occasions can do that to
people, I suppose.
- They can.
So, how are you? Busy night, I expect.
- I can't be everywhere at once, but I
try.
No rest for the wicked.
- Do you think everything'll go back
to normal soon?
- I'm not sure.
We may be in the dark
..a little while longer yet.
- Right.
My eyes are starting to adjust.
- Mine, too.
- Oh, dear.
It is you, isn't it?
Mr Mistoffelees.
Ohsorry, no, that's Cats.
What do you want?
- He's had his life.
I've come for what I'm owed.
Webster!
- Oh, God.
- I'm afraid not.
It's good to see you again.
It's been a long time.
- Please! I'd like to renegotiate
my contract.
I'm not ready to go.
- Well, no-one ever is, but, erm
..a deal's a deal.
- Can I say something in his
defence?
- Proceed.
- I'm his nurse.
I've looked after him for five years.
I've seen him deal with all this
sickness, all this pain.
- I know! It's been splendid.
And I've had a ringside seat.
- He's led a good life.
- He has.
He helped free into the world so many
destructive people.
- I don't think he's such a bad man.
A bit grouchy sometimes.
- That's very forgiving of you.
- I try to be a decent person.
- There's no accounting for taste.
- I don't suppose there's anything I
could say that would
get him off the hook?
- There's no need to plea bargain on
my account, Bedford.
I was one of the country's best
criminal defence lawyers
for 50 years, remember.
- I'm just trying to help you.
- And you have.
For the past five years, you've been
an angel on Earth.
A beacon of light.
Just think
..his kind soul would burn far more
brightly than mine.
- What are you suggesting?
- In civil law, there is a thing
called substitution.
It is the putting of one person in the
place of another so that he may,
in default of ability in the former,
have the benefit of a devise
..or legacy.
- In other words, I take him instead.
- Mr Webster! What are you doing?
- I let you discover my secret,
and you still forgave me - just as I
hoped.
- Let me see.
- What if I want to object, Your
Honour?
- Objection is for American courts.
Here, I would just remind my learned
friend
not to lead the witness.
- I'm really not that good a person.
- In comparison to me, you are a
saint.
- And that is what makes it so
delicious.
- I never even got you a birthday
present.
- I forgive you.
- Congratulations, Mr Webster,
you've got yourself a stay of
execution.
His contract is now your legacy.
You have the pen still?
- Oh, yes.
- All done.
- What?
- Yes, and the agreed addendum? No
more pain?
- Yes, yes. Your recovery will be
remarkable.
- Ah.
- As you know, Bedford, illness -
proper illness, the dying kind -
never occurs to the young.
Doesn't exist, even.
But my older clients all know pain.
They all specify health in the end
years.
After all, that's all you've really
got, isn't it?
- What a relief! I feel better
already.
Goodbye, Urban, and thank you for
everything.
I hope you get to see the rest of your
concert.
I'm told the Devil has the best tunes.
- HE CHUCKLES
- Shall we?
- Oh! No, this isn't fair.
Mr Webster! You're making a mistake!
- Told you earlier.
You're a better man than me.
- I'm
..really not.
- Oh, I see.
- Whawhawhat's happening?
- A late development.
Something I missed - from Bedford's
schooldays.
- To be fair, you did say you couldn't
be everywhere at once.
- That's true.
- What is it?
- Carl Jackson wasn't the school
bully.
I was.
I stuffed a tangerine down his
throat
..because he answered me back one day.
I killed him for fun.
Still have nightmares about it.
I've tried to atone for it since,
but
..I'm no angel.
- Butwh-what about my new contract?
- Null and void, I'm afraid.
Taking Bedford has lost all its
currency.
- Oh, no, no, no, no, please, please!
Let's just talk about this.
Surely we can come to some
arrangement.
- Goodbye, Mr Webster.
I'll be seeing you.
- Oh, you most certainly will.
Going down.
- MR WEBSTER SCREAMS