Superstore (2015) s06e09 Episode Script

So turns out that very aggressive redhead
who came in yesterday was not Carrot Top.
-[all mutter]
-[Dina] I know.
We've reviewed the tape several times,
and can't in good conscious
call it a match.
I'm sorry, guys.
I guess I just saw what I wanted to see.
But he posed for so many photos with me.
Next up, we're running short
on reusable bags.
Oh, we can just use the ones
under Mateo's eyes.
[all] Oh!
-Savage.
-Mm…
Are you guys still beefing?
I'm honestly impressed
with the commitment.
Now, we've noticed some
of your masks are getting dingy.
Cheyenne will be handing out
new protective equipment.
Based on her history,
I wouldn't trust Cheyenne with protection.
[all] Oh!
Damn.
I may be a teen mom,
but at least I don't look like
someone put a Pixar character
into a microwave.
-[all] Oh!
-[laughter]
Well, you'd be DreamWorks, bitch.
[all] Oh!
-Savage.
-Please stop.
[upbeat music]
I have to open early,
so let's just stick to one round tonight.
Oh, and make sure to text
the group chain when you arrive.
Are we sure that
Brian needs to know the exact time
that we're having sex?
Hey, successful polyamory
requires complete, constant communication.
Speaking of, I read your postcoital report
from last night.
You didn't fill in emotional state.
Hungry and sleepy,
that's usually where I'm at.
Hey, Dina, we got a problem
at the registers.
-They're not accepting coupons.
-Didn't you get that email?
We're only accepting digital coupons now.
-What?
-Zephra's just updating things a little.
It seems crazy to change
something that's working.
The horse and buggy was working.
It seemed crazy to stop using that,
but then they developed the car, and…
Well, that destroyed the planet.
That's a bad example.
Excuse me, do you have gay iPad cases?
Uh, yeah, in electronics.
Have a heavenly day.
-Wait, you didn't hear about that either?
-What?
Oh, today is fun for me.
Zephra's asking that we no longer
use the term "heavenly day."
-What?
-Yeah, there was a memo.
They feel it's a little loaded.
Yeah, yeah, it's loaded with kindness!
It's the same thing
as saying "have a nice day,"
or "have a good day."
Great. Then say one of those instead.
To the customers?
I might as well give 'em
the middle finger.
You were killing it this morning.
When you said that protection thing
to Cheyenne, I legit peed a little,
-and not even that little.
-Well, thanks.
Although credit should really go
to Cheyenne for not being able
-to keep it in her pants.
-[Justine laughs]
-[Mateo] What the hell?
-[Cheyenne] Oh, whoops.
I don't know how
that unflattering photo of you
ended up on all these screens.
Let me change it.
-[Justine gasps]
-[laughter]
He looks like one
of those little boy-band boys!
At the time, that was the best hair
you could have.
-Uh-huh.
-[Mateo] Okay.
Do you guys know every time
you see Cheyenne hanging around
the cell phone kiosk,
it's 'cause that's where she goes to fart.
-[Cheyenne gasps]
-Ew.
Blowing up my fart spot is messed up.
-You're messed up.
-You're messed up!
-You're messed up.
-Whoa, this is intense.
Okay, let's get really real
about Cheyenne.
Well, it happened. Nina dumped me.
-Oh, no, really?
-Damn it, I'm so sorry.
You guys were just
at the Cheesecake Factory,
like, three weeks ago.
You looked so happy.
Guys? Getting really real about Cheyenne.
-Hey, it'll be okay.
-[Mateo] Guys?
-I'm really sorry.
-Guys?
Yeah, I walk right through the door ♪
And I walk right through the door… ♪
Also all noise-canceling headphones
are on sale.
Protect your ears from Mateo's screechy,
tone-deaf, Celine wannabe--
Uh, I think Cheyenne might've slipped
another one in there.
Yep, yep, I just kind of go
to autopilot on these.
Sorry, guys, not a real announcement.
Employee beef.
Man, those two are pissed at each other.
This is, this is bigger
than our Dune fight.
What's a Dune fight?
When we were roommates, remember?
I, I came home,
and you and Randy were watching
the director's cut of Dune without me,
even though I specifically said
that I wanted to.
I mean, I remember
watching Dune with Randy,
-but you were there?
-No, no.
That's why I was so pissed, remember?
And then, and then to get you back,
I made six branzinos
and stunk up the place.
That's why you did that?
I thought you were just premaking
your meals for the workweek.
You thought I was gonna eat
a branzino every day for a week?
I don't monitor your fish intake.
Do you seriously not remember?
That was, like, our first big fight.
But whatever. No bigs.
Hey, guys, I need some computer help.
I'm trying to email my friend Gary
at Cloud 9 corporate,
you know, about them making us say,
"have a non-heavenly day."
Oh, I'm not sure that's
what they were going for.
I think they're just trying
to play it safe, you know,
'cause some people
don't believe in Heaven.
Anyway, every time I email him,
I keep getting this weird message back
from a mailer demon.
Oh, that just means a demon
ate your friend Gary's soul.
-What?
-No, it's mailer-daemon.
It means that
the email doesn't exist anymore.
I'm sure there was a whole bunch
of reshuffling at corporate
when Zephra took over.
So no more Gary, no more Heaven,
just more computers and demons.
Well, if it bothers you,
I'm sure you could find somebody else
to contact at Zephra.
Yeah, you know, do a little research.
-Find out who the new Gary is.
-I guess.
But if they think
they're gonna improve on Gary,
they're nuts.
The man was perfect.
5'9", brown hair, you name it.
That does sound perfect.
-[Garrett] You're 5'8".
-Same difference.
So you didn't see it coming at all?
No, I always expected her to kill me,
not to break up with me.
Well, if you ever need
a quick pick-me-up or whatever,
you have my number.
Yes, you've been very clear. Thank you.
[scoffs]
Oh, my God, did the janitor quit?
Because there's a huge pile
of garbage at that table.
Get it? Talking about Mateo.
Can you… Shh! We're trying to help Sayid.
Well, Cheyenne's the one who needs help.
-She's got less brains--
-Guys. Can you take it outside?
Life is railing Sayid right now.
Okay, I guess.
[scoffs]
What were you gonna say?
Less brains than a what?
Honestly, I'm glad they cut me off.
I think it was gonna be racist.
[Dina] Okay, it's your turn
to field coupon complaints.
They're getting feisty out there.
An old man shook his cane at me,
flirtatiously at first,
but then it got mean.
I'm sorry. Just…
I started doing some research,
and I came across this article,
"The Truth About Zephra."
I think there's
some fishy business going on.
Oh, like tax evasion, offshore banking?
What are we talking here?
You know how everyone's pushing this 5G?
Well, turns out,
five is the worst of the Gs.
They say that it hits your brain
at a certain frequency
that lets them control human behavior.
You think Zephra's involved
in mind control?
Okay, that's enough screen time for you.
No, it's not that
I believe in mind control,
but they are trying to control
how we greet customers.
Glenn, enough. This is why old people
shouldn't be allowed on the Internet.
I don't trust Zephra either.
I've learned some stuff.
You ready to wake up?
Well, I am awake.
[whispers]
Not yet.
[quirky music sting]
Oh, hey, skank.
Why are you stocking?
Did you finally get demoted?
No, I'm covering for Sarah.
Nina texted Sayid that she had HPV
the whole time they were dating,
so a bunch of people took him out
for ice cream.
Mm, he's so lucky.
I know. I don't get it.
I mean, we're, like, way more interesting
than some dumped guy.
Well, I am.
But you're like an Iggy Azalea wannabe
five years too late.
[Cheyenne scoffs]
[Mateo] Okay, that just felt like nothing.
Yeah, it's not as fun
without anyone watching.
-Right?
-I feel like we could get
their attention back
if we just up our game a little.
Yeah, we need something splashy,
something grabby.
Oh, exactly.
God, I am craving ice cream
so bad right now.
Me too. Should we go get some?
Yeah, but you can't use my punch card,
'cause you suck.
Good. I wouldn't want to, dick.
Ooh, we should get clown sundaes.
[mimics Cheyenne]
"Ooh, we should get clown sundaes."
-[normal voice] Yeah, we totally should.
-Okay.
Hey, Marcus, can you tell Glenn
what you told me about Zephra?
[laughs]
What?
I didn't say anything about Zephra.
And if you heard something,
it definitely wasn't from me,
Marcus White.
[rock music plays]
Now, about Zephra. What were you thinking?
Um, who do you think is the one…
Hold on, sorry.
[music stops]
It's actually super distracting.
We'll just talk quietly.
Okay, so I read something online
about how Zephra
is trying to control our minds.
It's all true,
and there's videos to prove it.
Just Google "Zephra mind control,
guy goes nuts at Red Lobster."
Marcus told me all about it,
'cause of this weird thing
that's been happening.
Like, I've been shopping online
for a new mouthwash.
Then I came to work,
and I got a notification on my phone
with a digital coupon
for SuperCloud mouthwash.
Wait, so that's what
the digital coupons are about?
Yep, then after I used that one,
they sent me more coupons,
so I kept buying the mouthwash
just like they wanted me to.
Okay, but, actually,
I'm just trying to find out
why they won't let us say
"have a heavenly day"?
Well, of course, they don't want that,
'cause guess who their god is.
-A fat baby?
-What? No.
That's my nephew. He's my lock screen.
-I meant the phone, technology.
-Oh.
When you think about it,
the Zephra app tracks your location
and times your break.
So, in a way, they've been controlling us.
-That's true.
-Yeah, and riddle me this.
What's with that room in the back
marked "Zephra personnel only"?
-What? What's with it?
-Exactly.
No one here knows,
because we're not allowed back there,
which means…
that's where it's all happening.
-Where what's happening?
-Exactly.
Exactly.
[customer] Hey,
I was hoping to return this.
I don't know if you remember,
but I was in here a couple months ago.
[Garrett] Oh, yeah, no,
the car cell phone holder.
You had a Kia Optima, right?
I thought this would've
worked out for you.
It did, but I totaled the Optima
in an illegal street race.
I know the return window
is probably over, but--
Nah, man, I'll hook you up. No worries.
-Your last name was Dinkins, right?
-Are you kidding me?
You don't remember our fight,
but you remember,
all due respect, Mr. Dinkins,
the most random, boring guy
I've ever seen in my life?
[Garrett] Wow, okay, that was rude.
Sorry about that,
but he's just going through some stuff.
What I'm going through, Mr. Dinkins,
is someone who I thought
was my close friend
not remembering a pivotal moment
in our friendship,
which makes me wonder
if we were even friends
in the first place.
Okay, and, uh, that's on the card
with the last four digits 5-8-7-6?
You remember
his [bleep] credit card number?
-It's on the receipt.
-That makes sense.
-[Dina] What the hell are you doing?
-Well…
Don't you think it's weird
that we don't have access to this room?
-We're the managers.
-Oh, God.
You're still on this Zephra is evil kick?
Come on, we don't need to go in there.
-I'm sure it's just tech stuff.
-Perhaps.
But, you know, Marcus and Sandra think--
Now you're listening to Marcus and Sandra?
You guys are like the Three Stooges
if Curly was Hawaiian.
Well, actually, I don't know
for a fact that he wasn't.
Wait, what if Zephra
is already controlling your mind,
and you don't even know it?
Glenn, I promise you
Zephra is not controlling my mind.
Yeah, but they might be
making you say that.
Okay, would they make me say this?
Zephra is an inferior company.
Their tablets barely hold a charge.
Yes, because they want you to convince me
that they're not making you say things.
The fact that you think
they're controlling your mind is proof
that they're not controlling your mind,
because they wouldn't want you
to be aware that…
What am I doing?
[sighs]
Effective immediately,
there will be no more talk
about conspiracy theories.
Well, there goes my afternoon.
What's this about?
Some people think that Zephra's
maybe trying to control our minds,
but they're not, you know,
even if it seems like they are
because of what
they're making us say and do.
Okay, it doesn't matter
what it seems like,
because we're no longer gonna entertain
talking about these crackpot theories.
Okay, now, hang on,
'cause often these ideas become stronger
when people feel shamed or marginalized.
All right, let's talk this out.
Why do we think Zephra controls minds?
5G, it's bad stuff.
I did hear it makes birds kill themselves.
-How does a bird kill itself?
-Just stops flapping.
That's dumb. There's no Zephra conspiracy.
Oh, interesting, an opposing viewpoint.
But the moon landing,
now, that was a big lie.
[Sayid] I'll tell you what's a big lie.
-Love.
-[all] Oh.
Don't you dare give up on love.
Cody's right,
they could have easily doctored
the moon landing footage,
just like they show us photos
where the Earth looks round
when it's definitely flat.
-And we got there.
-[Dina] You're right, Jonah.
This is so much better
than just shutting it down.
No, you know what, Dina? It can be.
Marcus, let's talk this out.
I think that the Earth is round,
because of science.
-Ugh.
-Like, if you stand on a dock,
and you watch ships sail away,
they eventually disappear
over the horizon.
[Janet] You've done that?
Put on your little peacoat
and stood on a dock for hours
until ships disappear?
Oh, well, I mean, scientists have.
But you haven't, because you're afraid
of what you would find out.
Just like we might be afraid
of what we'd find
in the "Zephra only" room,
which is probably nothing,
so we should just blindly trust Zephra
and get back to work.
Okay, okay. "Leading scientist
admits Earth is flat."
Right there on truthwarriors1.biz.
Refute that. I dare you.
I'm telling you they would freak out.
I don't know.
Would people actually believe
that I put bees in your sandwich?
I mean, like, where do we even get
a bunch of dead bees?
I think we just use raisins,
and I sell it.
Well, I feel like we need
to do something more, like, emotional.
Yeah, you're right.
It's probably why this
whole Sayid break-up thing is popping.
What if we had a big public blowout,
you know, and we dropped some major bombs?
Okay, yeah, what if you come at me like,
"I know what you did!"
Okay. And then you'd be like,
"And I know you were only friends
with me to get close to Bo,
because you're in love with him."
-[gasps]
-Do you see how I moved the story forward?
Mm-hm.
Yours was just, like, attitude,
which is fine.
Yeah, ooh, and then it could come out
that you're Harmonica's real father.
So her parents are me and Bo?
Yeah, imagine how pissed I'd be.
Let's not commit to anything just yet,
but we should definitely
jot some ideas down.
-[Garrett] Hey, man, did you text Randy?
-Uh, well, I tried to.
I asked him if he remembered me being mad
when I came home that night,
but I just got
a "sorry, wrong number" text.
Yeah, you texted him 12 times
in 3 minutes.
He texted you that, so you would stop.
Oh, okay, so then he's obviously
still feeling bad about it.
Feeling bad? No, Randy does not remember.
Okay? Randy barely even remembers
watching Dune.
Randy smokes a lot of weed.
Leave him alone.
Okay, fine, but I'm not gonna
apologize for caring, okay?
You're an important person
in my life, Garrett.
A lot of men are scared
to say things like that but not me.
I'll tell you exactly how much
you mean to me to your face.
Please don't.
Too late. I'm already doing it.
I value your taste in music.
-[Garrett] Oh, boy.
-Okay?
Sometimes I save screenshots
of texts that you send me.
-What, why would you do that?
-I don't know.
To, to revisit them and laugh,
or to send them back to you
at the perfect moment, like June 12, 2018.
Eye roll. "I'm never getting married."
You think I'm not gonna throw that back
at you at your wedding?
So, Bo went away with you that weekend?
I thought his grandmother died.
Foolish girl. She's alive and well.
-Nana's in on it too.
-So, they're still beefing?
Oh, yeah, they're going at it.
-It's savage.
-[Cheyenne] I don't believe it.
Well, believe this.
Bo and I have a deeper connection
than you'll ever have!
Oh! This whole time,
I thought that you were my friend,
but really you were only using me
to get to Bo!
-Yes, it was the ultimate betrayal.
-[sighs]
Oh, my God, what they're saying!
-It's written, it's written here.
-[clanks]
I got to tell Marcus and Sandra.
What? "Ultimate betrayal."
Wait a minute, did you guys write this
out ahead of time?
Is this fake?
What? No, you're crazy.
I absolutely slept with Bo
in his grandmother's meth bungalow.
-This is ridiculous.
-Whatever.
Wait, no, come on,
you guys, we're fighting.
Yeah, we just jotted down
a couple of bullet points.
Okay, this is way more interesting
than some nobody getting dumped.
-Ooh.
-[Justine] Whoa.
Well, I'd rather be a nobody
than a couple of Impossible Burgers,
'cause all I'm seeing here
is some imitation beef.
-[Isaac] Oh, imitation beef!
-[Justine] Too funny.
Oh, that's funny, Sayid.
Come on. You don't think
he wrote that down?
[grunting]
We got to get in there
before it's too late.
-What is wrong with you?
-Dina, you don't understand.
Zephra has Mateo and Cheyenne,
every single word they say.
[thuds]
Whoa.
-Right, whoa?
-You bet your ass whoa.
These are the mind-control machines.
-Are you sure?
-Totally.
Close your eyes and picture
a room full of mind-control machines.
What do they look like?
-They look like this!
-Jesus, people.
This is just… tech stuff!
You know, you've got
your basic blinking lights.
The blues, the greens, the yellow.
I mean, that's not common,
but it's still in the bounds.
Yeah, I'm sorry. You're right.
This is all completely normal.
-Freedom!
-What?
-Okay, no, stop.
-Let him work, Dina.
-I don't wanna hurt you.
-No, Dina.
-[Marcus] Red pill, Keanu!
-Marcus, enough!
Abre los ojos!
-[devices trilling]
-[tense music]
Ugh.
[female voice] Connection interrupted.
[robotic voice]
Network error. Network error.
I think we did it.
[Dina] Thank you for your patience.
We did have a malfunction…
in some of our employees brains,
but we're almost back up and running.
Okay, the servers are reset,
and the registers should be
back online in a minute.
Hey, you're not gonna report this
back to corporate, are you?
Well, I do have to file
an incident report.
Okay, well, you know, just be sure
to put that it was an accident,
and that I love Zephra,
and that the only secret
I think they're keeping
is how they're able
to sell such great products
at such affordable prices,
and I bet the answer's good,
not, like, child labor.
[Sandra] And I accept full responsibility.
I, Cheyenne Lee, of 1280 Raymond Street.
I'm really sorry.
I guess I just got confused.
Look, you're like the old paper coupons.
You were kind of a nuisance,
but arguably served a purpose,
-and now you're useless, but…
-But?
Oh, carrot cake Oreos are back.
That's fun.
[quirky music]
So, uh, what do we think
of Havarti cheese?
[sighs]
I don't know.
-It's a cheese.
-All right.
You know what, man? This needs to stop.
You're over here playing the victim,
but you don't even remember
all the times that you hurt my feelings.
Oh, yeah, what did I do,
rank the Predator movies wrong?
No, but there was one time
I told you I was gonna make dinner.
I went all out. I went to,
like, three different grocery stores,
and then you just texted me,
told me you were having dinner with Amy.
Totally forgot about it.
Oh, well, why didn't you say anything?
Because why bring something up
just to make your friend feel bad?
Garrett, I, I feel terrible.
I, I don't even remember.
Huh, it's funny how that happens, huh?
This is good.
This, is, this is the communication
that we need, you know?
This is, this is good for us.
Havarti, great cheese on a sandwich,
but it's got kind of a creamy body,
and so if you're gonna be putting it
on the sandwich,
it needs to be layered
with maybe a crunch--
[Glenn muttering]
We'll, we'll get into this later.
[Garrett] Hey, buddy.
You thinking about buying a sled?
I don't know. Maybe the sled will buy me.
I don't know how anything
works here anymore.
Oh, Glenn, should you be drinking that
-with your diabetes?
-No!
I don't know why we work so hard
to impress these people.
Employees at a Nordstrom
would have eaten this up.
Plus, everyone
should just chill the "F" out.
Like, Sayid's gonna get
a new girlfriend in two seconds.
He's, like, a major fox.
Thank you. I've been saying that.
-He's, like, sneaky sexy.
-Mm-hm.
Once he came to pick up
his paycheck in shorts,
and I literally had to excuse myself.
Oh, you're talking about the blue cutoffs.
-Ooh, I remember those.
-Oh, my God.
So we should go on Hinge
and catfish Nina, right?
[gasps]
You read my mind.
Let's convince her
to cut all her hair off.
Glenn, you're not quitting.
I don't know. It's all changing on me.
This isn't the company
I signed up to work for
after they drove my family hardware store
out of business.
Well, that doesn't mean
that you should quit,
unless you wanna quit,
in which case I do have
a resignation letter prewritten for you.
You'd just need to sign and date it.
Okay, look, there's a lot of new stuff
getting thrown at you right now,
and, and, yes, of course,
it's gonna be difficult to adapt,
but you're gonna be okay, you've got this.
Jonah, thank you for believing in me.
But you're wrong. I hate to adapt.
Dina, go get that letter.
-On it.
-[Garrett] Whoa, hold on a second.
We just got another memo from Zephra,
and it says we can say
"heavenly day" again.
Well, I didn't get that memo.
Must've been when the servers went down.
Turns out that corporate
got Glenn's email after all,
and it totally changed their minds.
-It did?
-You know what? I, I saw that memo too.
Good job, Glenn.
Thank you.
I keep refreshing, but there's nothing.
-What time was it sent?
-Don't know, Dina.
But what I do know is we can say
"have a heavenly day" now,
and that's a great thing,
because that means
we don't have to go crazy.
Oh, oh, yes.
Now that you say that,
I realize I have also received
and read that email.
I guess this old dog's got
a little fight left in him, huh?
Who's doing the mind control now?
[chuckles]
Well, I hope you all have a heavenly day.
-That memo was fake, right?
-A hundred percent.
Oh, I'm just gonna double-check
that I am on the email list.
Nice job.
Yep, sometimes people
just need to hear the right lie
-to move on with their lives.
-Hmm.
But… But that not, not with me.
That happened, right, the dinner?
That wasn't just a lie I needed to hear?
[Garrett] Later.