Rick and Morty (2013) s09e01 Episode Script

Don't tell her, though,
that I said anything to you.
You know, Rick,
I don't give 7-Eleven enough credit.
You see what
those ones look like in Asia?
Like-like little grocery stores?
Morty. What's that, pal?
Y-Yeah, the new pool's pretty great.
- Who ya texting?
- Nobody.
Nobody?
- Yeah. Nobody.
- Okay, fine.
Kind of a weird response.
It's not weird. Privacy is a thing.
Says the guy
who puts cameras everywhere.
Whatever.
W-What you building in here?
- Freeze ray?
- Kinda actually.
Morty!
- Why are you being weird?!
- Let go of my phone, Morty!
Who are you texting?!
Nobody!
- What the fuck?!
- It's fine.
- The fuck it's fine!
- It's fine!
You're texting with that guy?
It's stupid, Morty. Seriously.
It's nothing.
Evil Morty's dangerous. And evil.
Exactly.
Which is why sometimes he reaches out
unless I help him with stuff.
You work for that guy?!
He's like a Q
that makes me do things for him.
You know Q, Morty? From Star Trek.
Okay, so imagine a cosmic gay guy
obsessed with chess.
- You gonna pick that up?
- You gonna make this weird?
I'm not allowed to be concerned?
You sound insane right now.
Hello? Shit.
What, you don't answer my calls now?
Hi, Morty.
Yeah. Feeling's mutual.
Rick, I'm not interrupting
something, am I?
I was just catching
off-screen exploits.
You two don't share
everything as a couple?
- You know I hate you, right?
- I do.
It's why I try to just text.
Let's go.
What the heck?
Morty, you want to come on this one?
At your own risk, obviously.
You know what? Yeah, I will.
- Morty.
- Cool.
- I think we can take him.
- "We"?
- Fuck you. I'm helpful.
- You guys scheming over there?
- Yes.
- No.
Right. Morty, you haven't seen this.
Anything happens to me?
Gone. Forever. Across all infinity.
Dude, they just sit there? Always?
They're from
an ideal hostage dimension
where everyone's super-trusting
and never has to shit.
There's no Morty.
If he erases you, he erases himself.
Can we move this along?
There's a guy eating the multiverse.
There's always a guy
eating the multiverse.
His name is Frumblewurmple.
- No, it's not.
- It's not.
It calls itself "The Collective."
At some point, it'll reach
the Central Finite Curve.
Then it'll be our problem.
More exposition than I expected.
He does this to torture me.
No portals. This thing absorbs
our stuff and learns to make its own
and we're fucked. You're driving.
is it different because I'm here?
- Morty.
- We usually talk.
It's boring physics stuff, Morty.
And you two defend
the Central Finite Curve together?
Since when do you care
about anything?
I don't. That's why I make him do it.
Thank dick, we're here.
Uhp, it sees us.
- Get in the suit.
- What?!
Morty, this is multiversal
galactic shit.
I have to focus
a little harder than usual.
- Get in the suit.
- Make him wear the suit!
Evil Morty doesn't need the suit.
Morty, get in the suit or go home.
Oh, it disappears. That's nifty.
What's that? Nano-mesh?
How's he breathing?
It recycles the oxygen internally.
- Can he piss in there?
- He can piss in there.
I won't need to.
Okay. Sample container's done.
Should be absorption-proof.
- Huh. Pretty small.
- Nice. Good stuff, Morty.
- Very helpful.
- Load your fucking thing in.
- All set.
- Let's wrap this up.
You are tremendous
to be attempting this.
It will be an honor to absorb you.
Don't let it touch you.
- Car, clear out.
- Way ahead of you.
You can't outrun me.
You'll be me.
I am The Collective!
Rick!
Hey!
Oh, I get it.
Plant these charges.
We have absorbed
countless technologies, Rick Sanchez.
One of them will be your equal.
Nice of you to explain.
The more you understand
of The Collective,
the easier you will be
for The Collective to absorb.
Lucky me.
This is me, but it is coating
something that is not me.
Uh, we-we are The Collective.
I did not say or think those things.
And I don't think I sound like that.
What are these?
Uh, definitely not charges
of some kind.
I think that's exactly what they are.
I will absorb them.
- Shit.
- I am the threads of time,
bound and perfected.
And your time is up!
What?! I do not understand.
I am The Collective.
I absorb all.
Right. And you just absorbed
a compression algorithm.
- What?!
- Now you'll absorb yourself forever.
Impossible!
I am The Collective!
Way to get captured.
Obviously not my fault.
You really fucked me there, Morty.
"Uh, definitely
not, uh, charges of some kind."
It was stressful. Okay?
Although getting captured
kind of worked out. I didn't mind it.
I liked talking to that guy.
Yeah, way better
than the dude from last week.
So, you-you guys do stuff
like that together a lot?
Only sometimes.
Should we hit a diner? Is that crazy?
Get some waffles?
What?! No!
Rick, tell Morty
we're getting waffles.
Something to drink?
- Coffee with vodka in it.
- Amen.
You have fun, Morty?
Today was actually a pretty good one.
And you only threw us off a little.
- My apologies.
- All good.
It's a fiercely unsteady truce,
Morty.
Either of us could backstab
the other at any time.
I get why he never looped you in.
I mean, if I'm calling this guy,
must be this tall to ride, you know?
I'm sure.
Don't let him rile you up, Morty.
It's all dumb.
Mostly just levitating with power
and screaming as our eyes glow.
Sometimes we do a huge beam together.
- What even are you?
- Jesus!
May I go to the bathroom, please?
I gotta give these waffles
some runway.
What do I look like, the bad guy?
You are permitted.
He's a big softie
once you get to know him, huh?
time travel stuff.
I'm gonna shove these waffles
up your ass, pal!
- Heavens!
- What the fuck are you doing here?
You gonna replace me?
I'm not sure what
you're talking about.
Uh-huh! Home-wrecker!
whatever this is, it's weakness.
- Fuck you.
- You know what?
Maybe I will steal your grandpa.
But not because I love him,
because you do.
Here we go. Two milkshakes
for the two kinds of Mortys:
the one who does whatever he wants
and the one
who sucks my grandpa's dick.
You know what?
I'll drink both milkshakes.
Just took a shit so big,
it changed my brain chemistry.
What are we doing?
We order those waffles yet?
- Can we go?
- Morty, I took such a nice shit.
Don't make him tug my leash again.
No, we can call it.
Boy, this was great, though.
Thanks for coming along, Morty.
Rick, we gotta do this
after missions more often.
Uh-huh.
till next time, Gramps.
I winked. Maybe you couldn't
tell because of the eye patch.
- We could tell.
- Blackmailing prick.
Motherfucker!
Yeah!
We got him, Morty!
We fucking got him!
I-I don't understand!
I put the blueprints for that
dumb fucking Omega Device
in the Omega Device, Morty.
Eh, they've been wiped
from every possible reality.
- Yes, you possessive fucking nerd!
We're free of that hack's
bullshit once and for all.
Oh, sweet bliss!
I'm already forgetting
what we're talking about.
God, he brought you along to flex.
He showed you his lair,
that overconfident little bitch.
Predictable bitch!
That's what happens when you get
too used to winning, Morty.
You start sucking
your own dick, Morty.
He's gonna be coming for us, Morty.
He's coming,
and he's gonna be pissed.
He doesn't have the luxury
of subtlety anymore.
That smug dick.
He'll want to murder
the shit out of me, Morty.
That's why I built this place, Morty.
This whole dimension is
a bunker, Morty.
Oh, man.
We live in the bunker now, Morty!
We might be here forever, Morty.
Bunker dimension!
So Evil Morty thinks he's my nemesis.
Mostly just sucks. But he is deadly.
Swallow this.
It's a kind of body-armor goo,
so you can take some hits.
But only some.
I'm not made of body-armor goo.
What about Space Beth?
Space Beth is mean to me sometimes.
There's an evil version of Morty?
Yes, Jerry. Obviously. Keep up.
He's crafty. He's evil.
He's a pussy-ass bitch.
He doesn't think I know this,
but his stupid Akira palm laser
has a cooldown.
You get 20 seconds
after firing it to tackle him.
If he corners you, yell a slur.
A bad slur.
- What?!
- That reaction exactly.
The worse the slur,
the more time it buys you.
Jerry, pretend to shit
your pants in fear.
- I'll see what I can do.
- So we just live here now?
On high alert,
but also open your heart
to the joys of the bunker dimension.
There's normal plumbing,
and your friends and neighbors
all have combat training,
like Bunker Gene here.
- Oo-rah!
- At ease, BG.
Now, ballistics.
Evil Morty does have
a force field. It's annoying.
Is Bunker Gene from this dimension,
or do you think
Rick brought him here?
Seems like he used to be a Marine.
No whispering!
Whispering's the first step
to turning on each other.
He might go for that too.
Classic bunker maneuver.
Just let us stew in here
until we go insane.
So we can't go insane,
even if we live here forever.
More questions?
No further questions.
Do you wish I was smarter?
Oh, Morty, have some dignity.
I don't know,
maybe it was all an act,
but he's powerful and confident.
And you guys had real chemistry.
I can't even do chemistry homework.
He wears a villain accessory, Morty.
We are closing the book on this.
Evil Morty sucks.
- You promise?
- I promise.
And you're sure he can't break in?
It's unlikely, unless he's
canonically mastered the tech needed
to bore through dimensional
infrastructure. I don't know.
I don't keep track of that stuff.
I'm happy you don't like him
more than me, Rick.
I think this one might be
for keepsies, Morty.
- Shoot to kill.
- Roger that.
It worked.
Semper fi!
Ooh! He looks mad.
You like that, Morty?
He built a bunker dimension
just for me.
I don't have to lie here.
I built it for a bunch of reasons.
You're not special, pal.
I don't need to be.
You're gonna watch me kill him.
Oh, man.
You sound as pressed as Morty was.
You do have a lot in common.
That's cute.
How many of those you got left?
Like, two?
Is it two?
Three?
Yeah!
Am I missing something?
All our nanobots
are killing each other's nanobots!
God damn it!
Morty! No!
- Shoot him, Rick!
- What the hell?!
What are you waiting for? Kill him!
- Go on! Do it!
- It's him! Just do it!
- Oh, fuck you!
- Oh, fuck you!
You're really gonna do this?
You're really gonna try
to make him shoot me?
That's your trick?
out loud so he doesn't suspect you?
Shit.
I really do hate you guys.
No, you don't.
That's the real reason
you need to kill us right now.
Because for Rick,
making me jealous was an act.
Yeah. Run, bitch.
You leaned in hard.
'Cause you thought it was real!
Damn, Morty.
I saw what I saw, Rick.
He's got a big ol' crush on you.
I'd like to deny it, Morty,
but I'm pretty irresistible.
All right, well, maybe it's us
who need to run, bitch.
Huh?
- Jerry!
- Not helping, Dad.
Twenty seconds. Jump him!
Yeah, you little
eye-patched piece of shit.
You like that?
That little time device
you showed me,
I made one too.
Just like the portal gun.
Always struck me as odd
that Ricks don't do time travel.
I get that it's messy,
but so are you.
good thing I'm not a Rick.
Hands where I can see 'em!
You're surrounded
for 1,000 years in any direction,
you sick fuck.
Thanks for the tip-off.
A lot of people
freezing time these days.
Just a concerned citizen, Officer.
It's societal breakdown,
is what it is!
Nobody pulling over
for ambulances no more neither.
All right, get him out of here.
I want this kid processed yesterday.
Hey, hey! Wait up!
What?
Oh, shit!
You touch me with that hand again,
and I'll fucking cube it, pal!
You're nothing.
You're less than nothing.
- Uh-huh.
- Morty's right.
You do have a crush.
You needed the cops to win.
Ah! Scoreboard.
- We were never a thing.
- Uh-huh.
Enjoy prison, fucker!
Season 9, baby.
an indefinite number more.
Sure glad we
didn't have to use those slurs.
- Oh, my God. Same.
- You had one ready?
Oh, don't act like you didn't.
Let's all say them at the same time.
Three. Two. One.
- Eww! Dad!
- Jerry!
Wow! Evil Morty
off the board for good, huh?
What are you gonna do now, Rick?
You know, green grass
in front of us, baby.
- I need a vacation.
- Oh. Nice.
But you do like me more than him?
Don't be needy, Morty.
When are you in for, ape?
This is it?
You're not gonna put me
in stasis for all of time
or, I don't know,
remove my consciousness?
What? Bro, this shit's
supposed to be punitive.
What the hell sucks
about going to sleep?
Nah, little man.
Y'all gonna be eating mush on a tray,
with, like, big aggro dudes
that call you "Fish" relentlessly.
- Damn.
- I mean, you can get jacked,
but even then,
you gotta hustle for that protein.
You guys have prison pegged.
We've had forever to do it.