Archer s14e04 Episode Script

1
[slow jazz music]
♪
[clock ticking]
[snoring]
♪
[fly buzzing]
♪
Ah! [sighs]
Can you not do that?
Can't not.
Won't not.
♪
[dramatic music]
[all groan]
Time can eat a rack of balls.
So this is immediately grim.
But to cheer everyone up,
I decided to get you all
a Friday smoothie.
- [all] Yay.
- And then I thought
it would be hard to carry them all,
so I decided to tell you I forgot.
But then, uh,
I forgot to do that.
Huh, no return address.
- Yeah, it's a trap.
- Clearly a trap.
Ooh, do we think it's
maybe time to test my
roof catapult and
motion-tracking autocannon?
Or is it definitely time?
[gasps]
Let's shoot some box-skeet!
Yeah! Though we should probably
call it something else.
[person, muffled]
Guys? Guys?
You guys hear that,
or do they just go
super hard at the smoothie place?
I don't hear anything. Roof gun?
[person] Guys, can you not
blow up the box?
'Cause I'm almost
out of power here.
Barry?
Thank Cyborg Jesus.
You're alive?
Why are you in a box?
[Barry] Ooh.
Oh, God, thank you.
Uh, yeah, kind of a long story.
Um, whoops.
Sorry, still not great
with the operating
the, uh, whole fridge thing.
Now, that's what I call a cold open.
- Who's that for?
- Ha-cha-cha-cha.
[main title theme]
♪
So what I'm getting
is that this mini-fridge
- is a friend of yours?
- Yeah, Barry, what's the deal here?
Wait, are we
in the break room?
I know you've got other outlets.
Yeah, we thought you'd be
more comfortable in here
with your kind.
Unless that's appliance racist,
if that's a thing.
If you have to ask,
then it definitely is.
Oh, loosen up.
[ice maker rattles]
Ow.
Hey, do that one more time.
- Ow!
- Let's all just chill.
- Nice, appliance racist.
- So he said, moving this along,
remember how me and Other Barry
were trapped in the same body?
And I told you
how to shut me down,
basically saving your lives
by sacrificing myself?
Seriously? Come on.
I cannot believe I have
to remind you about this.
[Archer] If anything,
it was the scientist guy
who sacrificed himself.
[Krieger] Colt!
And he was my best friend.
Aw, during our tearful goodbye,
he told me that I should
[Barry] Oh, come
whose story is this?
Anyhoo, the electrical surge
somehow let me reach out
and find
this Wi-Fi-enabled fridge
and transfer my consciousness.
But by the time I got it running
Hey, guys, I'm alive.
Cool.
Once they cleared the rubble,
I took remote control of
a forklift and carried myself out.
But my powers were limited,
so I ended up
in a college dorm room.
Oh, you're not
gonna clean that up?
Then I was a prop
on a fetish porn set.
You're not gonna clean that up?
But now I'm h-hey,
that's really distracting.
Oh, damn.
I really wanted that.
- You're not gonna clean that up?
- Is that a real question?
Hold on. This refrigerator
person is scientifically
and philosophically earth-shattering.
- She's new.
- So you did it once.
Can't you transfer
into something else?
No, I can't.
Think it had something to do
with the power surge.
Not to worry, I'll figure
it out, no matter how many
human-animal hybrids we have
to sacrifice to get there.
Yeah, don't let him
ever touch me.
Yeah, that's pretty much
the consensus around here.
Well, unfortunately, there's
no time anyway, because
[suspenseful music]
[all] Other Barry's back?
I picked up some ripples
out there in the ether,
and yes, Other Barry
must have gotten out like me.
Or he was resurrected or some
friggin' thing. But he's back.
Can we please take
a step back here?
Human-scale artificial
intelligence actually exists.
More like arti-fridgal
intelligence.
- [laughter] Yes.
- Ah, nice.
- Sometimes they just come to me.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah. Very nice.
But how can we continue
as before
knowing that the next stage
of consciousness is nigh?
More like arti-fridgal
intelligence.
[laughter]
Sti still
really, really good.
OK, we've got a little more
of a handle on this.
- Krieger?
- So something is drawing
huge amounts of power
from the Hoover Dam.
Luckily, I'm pretty good
at power tracing
because I siphon off the grid,
like, all the time.
- But not to here, right?
- That feels like a trick question.
- Which part?
- The question part?
Anyway, it's going
to Yucca Mountain.
The government started
building a permanent nuclear
waste storage site there,
but it was never completed.
Where do they
put the waste now?
- Neh, just around.
- Fantastic country you've got here.
Yeah, it's too bad we don't
live on the soggy remains
- of a crumbled empire.
- Give it time.
Other Barry is building
something big.
Been a lot of chatter in the
black market contractor world.
- Great. So now there's evil plumbers?
- Always have been.
Think the Roman Empire
had lead pipes on accident?
Uh, yes?
- So naive. Goth plumbers.
- Cool!
- Not that kind.
- Aw.
Yucca strike team is Archer,
Pam, Cyril, and Krieger.
- Wait, you're not coming?
- Definitely not the first time
- you've used that phrase.
- [laughs] Ice cold.
It's OK when I say it.
Lana, I'm not sure
what credentials I lack here
other than some kind of minimum
blood alcohol level
- You have to stay committed.
- but I respectfully request
to join the mission, or else you
will look like a complete numpty!
To continue, Zara, you will join
Ray and me on a linked mission.
Withdrawn.
Forget I said that.
The main power line to Yucca
was buried to prevent sabotage.
Years later, when the project
was abandoned,
an office building was built
over the access point.
Whatever doom machine
he's got in there,
it looks like it's protected by
some kind of high-energy field.
I'm gonna say a laser matrix but
just because those are fun words.
My team will cut the power
- to disable the, uh
- Laser matrix!
Sure. Then you'll destroy Barry
and his death machine.
Any questions?
Uh, yeah. Why is Krieger
holding a bowl of eggs?
Oh, I'm sorry. I thought
this was a lunch meeting.
Well, let me just put these
Whoa, whoa, whoa,
whoa, whoa, whoa.
What what are you doing, chief?
Are those peeled, uncovered
hard-boiled eggs?
[all groan]
Does it help
if they're not bird eggs?
[Archer]
Well, at least it doesn't look
exactly like the yawning maw
of death itself.
Well, at least if I die,
I'll be able to put down
- this damn refrigerator.
- [Barry] I'm not a damn refrigerator.
I'm a highly evolved
sentient life-form.
Yeah, in a damn refrigerator.
[Archer sighs]
- Hey, man. What's up?
- Oh, nothing.
Just mentally preparing.
I'm not sure if you noticed,
Pam, but Other Barry
tends to beat the ever-living
shit out of me all the time.
- We're here to help, buddy.
- Thanks, home appliance.
But I might feel better about
that if you had, you know,
- arms or legs.
- Hey, I brought these for you.
I got it from
my cool Aunt Gerty.
She gave it to me right before
she got busted in Canada
- for bootlegging cheese curds.
- Pam, these are great,
but I'm not sure if they're enough.
Wait, we do have a secret weapon!
Barry, does Other Barry
have weaknesses
- we can use to defeat him?
- Man, that's a great question.
Why didn't I think of that?
Um, let me think.
Uh
no.
[groaning]
I need a break.
Anyone else want
to carry this thing?
[Barry] Uh, have a name.
Sorry, does anyone else
want to carry Dorkballs here?
- Eh, you seem fine.
- Ray. Come in, Ray. You there?
[upbeat electronic music playing]
[Lana] How's Yucca team doing?
Great. Well, I assume.
You know, they're inside a mountain.
There's not, like, a whole
bunch of reception in there.
[Lana] So while Zara and I
scout the target,
you're not doing anything?
Uh, reductive.
But the whole reason
we're doing the mission today
is 'cause they're having a party,
so it should be easy
to sneak downstairs.
Plus, do you really
need me monitoring
how many of these tech bros
are looking at your yabos?
It had better be all of them.
- Although it is making it harder to sneak away.
- [Zara] Oi, shit for brains,
if I wanted to talk to you,
I still wouldn't.
I'd go home
and stick my head in a blender
for even thinking it.
Now, fuck off.
[Ray] If it'll make you feel
better, I will do a thorough scan.
Nerd.
Nerd.
Dork.
Geek.
Nerd.
N uh-oh.
- [Lana] What?
- [Ray] Well it's not great.
[suspenseful music]
[Pam grunts]
[goons grunts]
So kind of a funny story.
[gunfire]
[Cyril] Ah!
- Come on, Pam!
- I said I needed a break.
And I said you looked fine.
Why would you
mislead me like that?
Don't worry, I got it, 'cause I
think these guys are slipping.
♪
We need to throw the kitchen
sink at them or something bigger.
Yeah, but, like, what
no, no, no, no, no, no!
[grunts]
- Cyril!
- What?
- Do the one thing you actually do!
- Suppressing fire!
[Barry] Wait, no, no, no.
What what are you
[all grunting]
Just put me down!
Come on, man!
Why are you mad?
You helped.
Because I'm not bulletproof.
I took a hit to the compressor.
I'm useless now!
[motor sputters and stops]
Don't say that.
We need you for intelligence
on Other Barry.
He doesn't know any of that.
Oh, really?
So what are we doing?
Well, whenever I'm at my lowest,
I always return
to one fundamental truth:
- at least I'm not Cyril.
- [Barry grunts]
- Hey, I just did something!
- I'd call you a one-trick pony, Cyril,
but ponies probably have better aim.
- Uh, we really need to get going, guys.
- Ho-ho, I see.
We we're just gonna stop
before I can say
that ponies can't hold guns
because of hooves!
And off that devastating riposte
- Cyril, just grab Barry.
- Why me?
Because you're the one
I can most reliably intimidate.
[sighs] I swear, one of these
days, I will show them all.
- Yeah, I can, uh, hear you, buddy.
- Damn it.
♪
[both grunting]
Man, these are
really substandard goons.
I almost feel bad
kicking the snot out of them.
[grunts]
- Almost.
- I don't get it.
Why doesn't Other Barry
just make a bunch of copies
- of himself to use as goons?
- Uh, guys, maybe because this.
[Barry] Well, seems like
this particular Barry
doesn't play well with others.
[Archer] So he's more evil now?
Huh, and from this equipment,
it looks like
- he's experimenting with nanobots.
- Ugh, I hate nanobots.
- Why?
- Too small.
Guys, can you give me a sec?
Yeah, no, yeah.
Take your time.
I'd rather not be part of the group.
Hey, I didn't make you
into a fridge.
Did you make yourself
into a bitch?
- Wow.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just upset that I'm stuck
in this situation.
Just not feeling
super useful, you know?
[sighs]
I know what you mean.
- I've been, uh
- I'm a fridge, not a therapy couch.
Why don't you skip
another leg day,
then try to pick me up?
[whirring up]
♪
♪
So why don't you
skip another leg day,
then try to pick me up?
Now, fuck off.
[upbeat electronic music playing]
Zara, we're kind of
trying to blend in here.
Wouldn't rejecting these nerds
be the kind of thing
they're used to?
Bunch of rich pricks with wallets
where their cocks should be.
Uh, what's going on with you?
Nothing.
Why are you being weird?
[door clicks]
We've got an opening.
Let's go.
[bottle shatters]
♪
Damn it, those two bogies
are on your tail.
How is that possible?
How could Barry have known
we were coming?
[Ray] I don't know,
maybe he was detecting
your weird mood swings
from space.
Right?
[gasps] I was right!
It was a laser matrix.
Nice, we can get reception here.
Ray, are they in position
for the power cut?
We need to place
these detonators,
and the laser matrix is still up.
[Ray] What?
You're already in position?
Uh, at the time we said, yes.
[Ray] You sure
your watch isn't fast?
Ray, this watch could survive a
fall from the Empire State Building
and still get me
to three tightly scheduled
group sex opportunities.
And I know that
because I've done it.
- What is going on?
- Wait, was one of them on top
of the Empire State Building?
- [Archer] Ray.
- You know what?
Let me patch you through.
[gunshots]
[Archer] Lana,
what the hell is going on?
[groans]
Oh, God, stairs.
Ah! [gasps]
What did
what did you do to me?
Nanobots.
[laughs]
Jeez, you guys
were just talking about this.
Friggin' pay attention.
Hold up.
Why do you have a fridge?
Oh, gross! Hard-boiled
eggs without a cover.
What sort of person does that?
Now I really am glad
I'm wiping out humanity.
Well, you must've
done something.
Otherwise, how would they know
we'd be here?
How do I know?
Just fix it!
- So what? We just wait, then?
- I guess.
I was all worked up for some
kind of evil death robot fight.
Yeah, I mean, I brought
all this cool stuff.
Got circuit neutralizers,
handheld mini-EMPs, and this
oh, that's for something else.
Where have you been?
And where's Barry?
- Guys, watch out!
- Watch out for what? [grunts]
You chose now to grow a spine?
I didn't grow one.
I swear.
[grunting]
Ow! Hey, I'm not
a get-punched person.
That's you guys.
Sorry. I'm sorry. Sorry.
[grunts] Cyril, if you don't
stop this shit right now,
I will rip off your ears
and staple them over your eyes.
- Ah!
- [growls]
It's not my fault!
I got nanobotted!
[gunshot]
[Other Barry]
Yeah, and guess what.
Oh, it's I guess
it's just what he said.
[laughs]
[suspenseful music]
We ready?
Everyone locked down?
- Yep, we're all set.
- Great.
Listen, I really
appreciate your work.
Unfortunately, I'm going
to have to let you all go.
[goons groan]
God damn it.
I know. I know.
Nothing harder than this.
You'll get severance.
And if you need a letter
of recommendation
yeah, I'm not doing any of that.
OK, let's start the show.
And now I give you
[dynamic music playing]
the big plan.
Since when did you develop
a penchant for theater?
Oh, I don't know,
since Aristophanes?
Humanity is wasted on humans.
What is a robot?
Well, to answer that,
we might have to ask,
what is a person?
I was born on a cold
winter night in January,
squalling, red-faced,
spat out into the world
I didn't understand.
- Oh, my God.
- What?
He's doing a one-man show.
Oh, God.
Can't he just kill us?
Could really use a power cut
right about now,
he said to the air.
We are working on it!
[gunshots]
Why are you dicks
working for Barry?
You know he's just
gonna kill us all!
I don't know who that is, lady.
We just want Zara.
- She knows why.
- Care to explain?
Well, that's a complicated
question, but no.
So by injecting nanobots into
people, I can control their actions
while leaving
their consciousness intact,
making the result
even more horrific.
- It is quite awful.
- Shut up. No interrupting.
Now, uh, pretend to be a pigeon.
[groaning, cooing]
[Other Barry laughs]
Now he's got a limp.
Uh-oh, and he's trying
to play basketball.
[groaning]
[laughs]
Sorry, that was pretty funny.
Wait, your plan is to inject
every person on Earth?
That's a terrible plan.
I mean, think of the time commitment.
That's why it's not
the plan, dingus.
[dramatic music]
Cool!
I mean, this is terrible
and all, but game respect game.
Where did you get that curtain?
Uh, regional theater
in, uh, Tallahassee.
Just retired math teacher
smell all over it.
Anyway, I'll I'll drill down
to the water table
and put these
in the water supply.
Should be able to get
to most of Las Vegas
before anyone figures out
what's going on.
And then I'll have my army
to nanobot the world.
- What's the radioactive waste for?
- Oh, it just helps.
Look, I may have come to
America to avoid some rather
- significant gambling debts.
- That's not enough for them to
And then I tried
to assassinate the head
of the gambling syndicate.
And I heard they figured out
where I was,
- which is why I've been a bit edgy.
- Who the hell are you?
I am great at holding it
together at work.
Fantastic, in fact.
Maybe the best ever.
Not the time!
But do I maybe have a few
impulse control problems? Yes!
Was I a poor scholarship kid
at a posh school,
so now I hate rich people
and tend to use violence
when they cross me?
[yells]
- But I am working on it!
- How hard?
[Barry] Damn it,
I have to do something.
The only part of me
that moves is wait a second.
[grunts]
Nice self-talk revelation, Barry.
You're doing it!
All right, let's get
this party started.
What the a PIN?
I didn't create a PIN.
[phone beeps]
God damn it.
Krieger, do you have something
that could get me out?
Nah, I don't think so, sorry.
Ooh, wait,
do you mean something
- like a directed acid cutter?
- Uh, yeah. Exactly that.
- How did you not bring that up?
- You know I'm an introvert!
- [gasps]
- [stuttering] Be careful!
It's single-use only.
Hey, Josh, what's up, man?
You didn't happen to put
a PIN screen
into the mega-drill, did you?
No, no, no, I agree.
Security is important.
But what is the number?
Hey, man,
maybe I should do this.
Feels like you don't
really want to.
I don't, but if someone's gonna
die at Other Barry's hands,
it should be me.
Uh, well, that's not very trusting.
So transferring
your severance now.
[sighs] Yeah, I'm very hurt
by this, all right?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, it's a tough business.
OK, goodbye.
Yeah, I said goodbye.
[rattling]
What is that sound?
[Archer growls]
- [metallic clang] Oh!
- Yes, this is still metal.
Seriously, I'm worried
about you. You can't win.
Is your brain just all wacked out
from all those other times
I beat the shit out of you?
I don't need a robot's help
to have a messed-up brain,
all right?
[yells]
[metallic clang]
[grunting]
Yeah, but maybe
I'm just a giver, you know?
- [Lana] You should have told us!
- Well, I'm telling you now.
I'm not very trusting.
Well, let's work on that.
Run in that direction.
And then what?
And what would you learn
if I told you?
I would learn
if I should trust you.
Take your time.
But you know what?
I-I feel like we need
to up the ceremony here.
Cyril, dance.
Dance like you've never
danced before.
[whimpers]
[groans]
No, no, uh
[sighs]
I was hoping something more
with high kicks, maybe?
This is humiliating.
[Other Barry] Well, at least
you have experience with that.
You know, you can reference
your entire life.
Hey, only we get
to make fun of Cyril.
Yeah, and it's the key to our
- solidarity for some reason.
- Aw, thanks, guys.
[growls]
[grunting]
[tense music]
♪
[coughs]
[rattling]
What is that sound?
- Ah!
- Yeah, go get him, Aunt Gerty!
[shouts]
[metallic clang]
Well, that was cute,
but now I'm going to kill you.
Fine, but if I die, let's
remember that I was right.
[gunshots]
[rattling]
God, seriously,
what is that sound?
[Barry] Die, you schizophrenic
son of a bitch!
[metallic creak]
- [Other Barry] Ah!
- Thanks, Lana. You were
Shut up and attach the disruptor!
[groans]
Here's Barry.
Seriously? You tried to
kill me with a fridge?
I'm a goddamn
technological marvel.
♪
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
Go, Fridge Barry, go!
[growls]
[metallic clang]
♪
[restraints beep]
♪
[Archer grunting]
Ah, you got a real pickle
on your hands, huh, Archer?
You kill me, you're gonna kill
your little buddy.
- So what are you gonna do?
- Oh, shut up.
[grunts]
[Other Barry screams]
♪
Barry?
Barry, are you still here?
[dramatic music]
♪
Just kidding! [laughs]
I'm still here, yes.
- All right!
- Yes, Barry!
Wait, we could've
just taken this off
and not carried
that goddamn fridge around?
Welp, best not to think about it.
[Lana] Great work, everyone.
Even if the only thing you did
was eat popcorn this whole time.
[gasps] That is not true,
because at one point, I ran out.
And hey, I know it was hard
to say that back there,
but we all have our crap.
And honestly,
that's how we stick together.
By mercilessly mocking each other
in increasingly hurtful ways?
Yeah. See, you get it.
[Cyril groaning]
[gasps]
- Thanks, Krieger.
- Yup, yup, yup.
By the way, there are
literally millions
of tiny dead robots floating
around in you right now, so
drink lots of fluids?
Um, I do have a question.
You and Other Barry
have, like, died before.
Yeah, that's true.
So other than this fridge thing,
who keeps bringing you guys back?
[Barry] I don't know. I just
know that I woke up me again,
which must mean
I'm saved somewhere
by someone or something,
maybe some artificial intelligence
aspiring to godhood.
Robots aren't supposed to dream,
but sometimes when I'm recharging,
in a ghostly vision,
I see myself coming back
over and over again,
eternally recurring until this
[inhales deeply]
presence summons us both,
Barry and Other Barry,
at the end of the world.
And we battle to either
destroy humanity or to save it.
And in that dream, all I can
hear ringing in my ears
is the mocking laughter of that
[inhales deeply]
that being.
Or, you know,
could just be some dude.
♪