South Park s25e03 Episode Script

1
I'm goin' down to South Park,
gonna have myself a time
Friendly faces everywhere
Humble folks without temptation
Goin' down to South Park,
gonna leave my woes behind
Ample parking day or night
People spouting, "Howdy, Neighbor!"
Heading on up to South Park,
gonna see if I can't unwind
Mrph rmhmhm rm! Mrph rmhmhm rm!
Come on down to South Park
and meet some friends of mine
Yes, sir If you're looking
to move out of the city,
I think your family
would love South Park.
You can get four times the house here
that you can get in the city.
A cortado? Is that like a coffee?
Yeah, we We have a coffee shop here.
We're up in the mountains
about an hour from Denver
Do you think you could drive
out from the city this weekend
and I could show you some properties?
Oh, you have a Tesla? Oh, how nice.
South Park yeah, it's
a charming country village.
If you're able to work from home,
I think you'll really
love it out here
LaCroix? The sparkling Mineral Water?
Yes, I do believe we have
that in our stores here
We're seeing a massive
influx of city people
moving out here to the country.
And the truth is we just don't
have enough real estate agents
to keep up with all the demand.
Well, I don't have much experience,
but I thought I'd
give real estate a try.
Mrs. Cartman, being a real estate agent
takes a lot of intellect
and a lot of raw talent.
You have to get your picture taken.
Get people to like the picture and go,
"Oh, I'd like to hang
out with that person."
And then act like you like those people
when you show them houses.
Well, I do believe I'm good
with people, and the truth is
I need to do this for my son.
Our rent is going up
because of all the new
people moving into town
And I don't think I
can afford it anymore.
Well, then, I'm going to
give you a shot, Mrs. Cartman.
For your little boy.
God dammit
Oh, you piece of shit!
Hello, sweetie!
Mom! Where the hell have you been?!
I've been home from
school for like 45 minutes!
I'm sorry, honey,
mommy had some errands.
I didn't have anything
to eat except Nutella.
I was about to call Child Services!
Honey Mommy has some big news.
What.
I got a job, Eric.
I'm your job.
Oh, honey It's going to be good.
Mommy is just going to be
working a few days a week
and you can be a big boy
and take care of yourself.
- No.
- Eric, this has to happen.
We can't afford to live in this house
unless I make more money,
and this job pays really well.
Wha What job could you possibly have?
You don't know how to do anything.
I'm a real estate agent.
A what?
Hey, Butters, I need your help.
Well Well, sure,
Eric! What's goin' on?!
Butters, I have some shocking news
My mom got a job.
Oh Oh, and you're
worried that maybe now
your mom won't always be
there to take care of you?
What? No. My mom got a job.
My mom is dumb as shit
and somebody is paying
her to do something.
Have you ever heard of a
real estate agent, Butters?
- Well, not really.
- Yeah, well, neither had I.
So I looked it up on a bunch
of those shows and stuff.
You don't do anything.
You just look nice and hug people
and then when someone buys or
sells a house, you make money.
Wow! Well, that sounds like a good deal!
It's more than a good deal, Butters,
it's [BLEEP] legal theft.
If my mom can be a real estate agent,
then literally anyone in the world can.
We've got all these people moving
from the cities into our town,
I can probably be a millionaire
in just a few days time.
Wow wee!
Now, whatever you do,
don't tell anybody.
If anyone else finds out about this,
they'll all want to be
real estate agents, too.
You've always been great
at taking pictures, Butters.
I won't forget this when I'm rich.
Gosh, thanks, Eric!
Okay, Liane You've got this.
You can do this.
Bottled water.
Bottled water. Bottled water.
Hello there! I believe I
spoke with you on the phone?
I'm Liane Cartman with
South Park Realtors!
Uh-huh Uh-huh
Well, this is the house
I was telling you about.
It just came on the market.
It's a 2,300 square
foot mid colonial home.
- Detached garage.
- Pilates?
- Excuse me?
- Pilates.
Is there a gym my wife can do Pilates?
Oh, you're about five
minutes from the local gym.
Pilates. Bottled Water?
Oh! Um, you have such a lovely family!
It must have been
a big drive from the city?
Tesla. We have a Tesla.
Wi-Fi! Wi-Fi!
- Is there Wi-Fi?
- No Wi-Fi. Bottled water.
Well, come on in, let
me show you around!
Okay, this is a three
bedroom house with bathrooms.
Front yard and back yard.
Eric what are you doing?
Oh, I just got some clients
here looking to relocate.
These people are from the city.
- Uh, cortado.
- Bottled water.
Wi-Fi. Pilates.
Uh, excuse me one moment.
Eric!
What are you up to?
I got a job as a real estate agent, mom.
You are not a real estate agent
- Neither are you
- Now just march right back home
and I will see you when
I am done with work!
Mom, real estate is an open market.
You're not the only one
who gets to take advantage
of all the city people.
- Cortado?
- Cortado!
- Oh, bottled water?
- Wi-Fi!
Metal bottled water!
Eric, this house is being represented
by South Park Realtors.
You don't get to just
walk in and show it!
Oh! Okay! That's fine!
I have tons of friends in South Park!
I'll get my own listings!
People this is the most exciting time
in the history of South Park
As you know, there are people
from all over the country
leaving the cities and coming
to small, rural towns like ours.
It's truly incredible for all of us.
With this new surge of
people from urban areas,
we're seeing more town
money from sales taxes,
more profit in our local businesses
My bakery has seen a
20% increase in sales.
Oh, I just love all these
city people moving in!
That's right. It's great to
have chitty people.
These chitty people come with
their fancy chitty clothes
and their big chitty cars.
You know, and these chitty people
have a chitty way of doing things
that will expose us all to
their chitty ideas.
Yeah, and they've got city
money and city lifestyles!
Chitty money, chitty lifestyles.
And they'll move here and bring
their chitty families.
And their cultured, chitty
kids will hang out with our kids
and expose them to their chitty ways.
I've always dreamed of South Park
becoming more than a little hick town.
And these city people bring
with them a new hope.
Here's to the future, everyone!
The future!
Okay, so this is a three
bedroom two and a half bath
Come on in, everybody!
Wi-Fi?
- Wha Wha Wha Wha?
- LaCroix.
You got about 2,300 square feet
and there is a finished basement.
- Oat milk.
- Detached garage
Stairs head up to the master,
which is an en suite,
if I remember correctly.
Let's get on back to the kitchen
Cortado?
You've got a nice, big kitchen,
pretty, new appliances.
Door in the back gets
you out to the garage.
Excuse me, what are you doing?
Just showing them your house.
Come on, let's check
out the second floor
Our house isn't for sale! Hey!
Nice, big bathroom for
the two rooms up here.
Tweek's grandma is staying
in one of the rooms,
which serves as an office
space when she's not here.
And then we are back down
to the spacious living room!
Will you please get out of our house?
Yeah, we're just about done.
Well, what do you guys think?
MacBook, Tesla.
I'm sorry, I didn't get that
My son left his MacBook in the Tesla.
Oh, sure, well, let's head on out now.
We can take a look at Jimmy's house.
It doesn't have such sucky furniture.
Let me talk to these guys
and see if we can come up with a number.
I think I can get you
4 million for this place.
$4 million? Really?
I'll be in touch.
Told you our furniture sucked!
Hey Hey, John, I got some bad news
We just lost another client
to South Park Realty Group.
- What?!
- We're losing people like crazy.
These guys are ruthless.
Who is this South Park Realty Group?
Has anyone heard of them!?
It appears to be mostly one agent.
A-A pretty young guy
Can't have been in the
business that long
Oh, my God
That's a pretty damn good picture.
How'd he get that
kind of depth of field?
I don't know he's gotta be
using some kind of soft filter
- Nothing I've ever seen.
- Alright, everyone!
Looks like we've got some competition!
If anyone thinks they
can take our clients,
they've got another thing coming.
Everyone get up. We're
gonna retake our pictures!
Awww!
No, no, no, we're
getting our butts kicked,
and we need to show
this kid what we can do!
Come on, Chris! You gotta
look really welcoming!
Ugh. I'm trying
Come on, arch your back more!
I'm, ugh, arched as far as I can
Come on, Chris, you
wanna lose another sale?!
Arch your back more!!
I-I got it
That's good, we got
it Get in here, Carol!
Got it! Okay, next!
Hey, guys, it's Eric from
South Park Realty Group.
Are you dreaming of moving
out of the city
and into the beautiful countryside?
I want you to check out Clyde's house.
This is a 2,300 square foot
mid colonial home
Detached garage now listing
for just $3.5 million.
Let's check it out.
This house is so spacious.
I think my cameraman Butters
can attest to this.
Isn't this nice, Butters?
Yeah, it's real roomy!
Just look at these amenities.
These giant, glass double doors lead
to the unfinished backyard.
Plenty of room here for a
pool or a horse stable.
This is just one of the amazing
properties we have
at South Park Realty Group.
We've got other great listings, like
Craig's house,
Wendy's house,
and my personal favorite, Kyle's house.
Get out of that sewage
drain you call a city
and start living the country
life you've always wanted.
South Park Realty Group.
Get out of the city and into
beautiful South Park.
Uh, Liane, you got a call, line 2.
Sounds like a broker interested
in 4600 Highgate.
Ooh! Okay.
Hi! This is Liane with
South Park Realtors.
How's it going? This is Eric Cartman
with South Park Realty Group.
Eric, stop it.
Well, I'm standing here
with some clients
who want to make a deal on
this Highgate place.
They wanna offer $175,000.
You are going to get me fired, Eric.
And then we are going to lose our home.
$175,000 is a great number
$25,000 below asking,
but you know you're never
gonna get $200,000.
Don't worry, these deals
are always like this.
I am doing this job for us!
So we can have a roof over our heads!
The HVAC all needs to be
redone and you know it.
I am not talking about this anymore!
Okay, that's fine mom, why don't
you go to [BLEEP] hell?!
It always gets like this with agents.
Don't worry, she'll call back, watch.
South Park Realty Group, this is Eric.
You are in so much trouble, young man.
Okay, okay
$180,000, but that's as
high as I can do.
We got it.
It just isn't fair
We retook all our pictures,
and what does South Park
Really Group do?
They go and make a video.
And just like that, they
take all our customers.
I think maybe real estate just
isn't the same anymore.
Maybe we gotta start making
fancy videos to keep up.
Excuse me, there's all these City
People moving into town
And I think I'd like
to sell my property.
- R-Really?
- That's great!
- Hey, hey, sir
- We can sell your house!
Move! Move! Get! Get!
That's a very smart idea!
It's definitely a sellers'
market right now!
It's good you came to
South Park Realtors.
What kind of house is it?
Once in a lifetime, a property
comes up for sale
that is so unique, it defies words.
We know that good houses
are getting hard to come
by in South Park
and that's why we are so excited
to bring you this exceptional
new property.
This is the historic Aspen Park Hot Dog.
200 square feet of pure luxury.
Let's check it out.
You want to move out of the city
and enjoy the laid back country life?
It's all here.
Find out more about this
dream home today
at South Park Realtors.
LaCroix? LaCroix?
Huh sounds like chitty people.
Oh, no, that's way
too many chitty people!
Go on! Go, go, shoo!
Too many chitty people! Go on!
Go on, shoo! Chitty people!
People We have a giant problem.
There are now so many city people
looking for houses in South Park
that it could destroy our
rebounding economy.
Uh How so?
I thought city people were
good for our economy.
They are, but Mr. Kim has a theory,
and I think you all better
listen to him.
Mr. Kim.
What's the one thing people hate most?
Other chitty people.
Chitty people wanna get out of the city.
If too many come here
South Park become chitty
and then all the chitty
people gonna leave.
We can't let that happen.
Not when things are finally
starting to turn around!
So then we have to find
a way to stop this.
It's the damn real estate agents!
They're the ones who are
going overboard.
They only care about their commissions!
Yes, we have to tell the realtors
to cool their jets!
Realtors don't care about
anything but money.
We have to show them who's really
in charge of this town
Jimbo go to your gun store and
get the necessary supplies.
I'm declaring open season
on real estate agents.
Cortado?
- Cortado.
- Oat milk?
Bottled Water Metal Bottle Water.
- LaCroix?
- LaCroix!
- Metal bottle water?
- Edamame. Edamame.
Welcome, Home Buyers!
I'm Eric with South Park Realty Group.
We hope you're enjoying the
provided food and beverages.
LaCroix!
Yes, that's right!
You know, here at
South Park Realty Group,
we've had some amazing listings
Craig's house, Jimmy's house
But I think you'll all agree
that what we have for you today
is a whole nother level.
I present to you
Tolkien's house!
- Baw?
- Wha Wha Wha Wha Wha?
These owners have just
moved out to a farm,
and we're listing this house
at just under $50 million.
Yes! Go on in!
Check it out! Make me an offer!
You are in big trouble, young man!
This is my listing, mom!
I have had it with you!
- Come here right now!
- This is my listing, mom!
Eric!
- What the hell?
- Over here
What happened here?
They're too smart for us.
South Park Realty Group.
We tried to keep up
Took our pictures again Ahghg!
My spine is broken.
Well, it serves you right for
what you're doing to our town!
You're driving all the city people away!
Not us South Park Realty Group
they upset the natural balance.
Real estate agents
don't really do anything.
If they start doing stuff,
then the whole housing
market goes crazy.
Where is South Park
Realty Group located?!
They're showing a house
The Tolkien house
You have to stop them.
Ahg! Help!
Somebody call Child Protective Services!
Eric, you're only making it worse!
I am not doing a co-brokering deal, mom,
it's not gonna happen.
This isn't about that,
Eric, and you know it!
You're upset.
You're upset because you don't
want your mom to have a job!
That isn't true.
It is true! You're scared
and you're jealous
that a job will take my
attention away from you!
You just want to offer the
sellers a lower commission
to list this house and
it's not going to work, mom!
It's okay to be scared, Eric.
I know that I'm the
only family you have,
but you're making
everything worse for us!
I see one!
There's a real estate agent right there!
There's a big one and a little, fat one!
Eric, you need to stop this right now.
When I close this deal, mom,
I'm gonna be the richest kid in town!
It's doesn't work that way, Eric!
You aren't going to make any money
You're just driving up the market
and none of your deals
will make it through escrow!
Well, we'll just see
in 30 days, won't we?!
Except for some of my deals,
which have a 45 day contingency period!
Fine, Eric.
Will you stop all
this if I quit my job?!
And you won't get any other job?
No.
And your only job will be me?
And you'll be home when
I get back from school
and have my mid afternoon
meal all ready on the table?
Yes, Eric
Yes..
Hold yer fire!
Come on out, ya damn real estate agents!
Don't shoot! I am not
a real estate agent!
I am quitting as of right now.
And South Park Realty Group is no more.
We did it We [BLEEP] did it!
Real Estate is a delicate balance.
It has to be left to the professionals.
There's a great migration
happening all over America.
And if we do it right
Everyone ends up in a home
that they can afford.
I think it's cool we live in a hot dog.
We have everything we need here.
We've got running water,
a couch to sleep on.
And most important, we have each other.
Weak I live in a hot dog.