The Simpsons s31e18 Episode Script
The Incredible Lightness Of Being A Baby
1
D'oh!
Flanders.
Hmm.
Maybe we should find a new playground.
Oh. Well, this looks nice.
Har-har.
Shady trees,
bathrooms with doors
and that loopy-loop slide
dumps you out on soft recycled tires.
Oh, Pirellis.
Oh, look! It's your friend Hudson.
My son seems to really
like your daughter.
- Courtney.
- Marge.
Is that ironic or retro?
It's my name.
They're having so much fun.
- Is she free for a playdate tomorrow?
- Yes.
Has she been in the same
room as a peanut recently?
- No.
- Can I check off her vaccinations?
TB? DTaP? Measles-mumps-rubella?
Yes, yes, yes.
Breast or bottle?
Bottle, but I'm not a monster.
I can bring cookies.
White sugar. That's hilarious.
I'll have to tell my
partner you said that.
Well, I'm gonna tell my
partner you mocked white sugar.
See you tomorrow.
Pancakes are on the table, Homie.
And flapjacks will be
ready in a few minutes.
Marge, I'm trying to lose weight.
Pancakes will be fine.
Are you sure?
I have to face facts.
In some small ways,
I've let myself go.
What's wrong? Who died?
We're worried you will.
We want you to live longer, Dad.
Never what I want.
Fine. You know what, skip the pancakes.
I'll just have
a grapefruit to go.
I didn't see the moon landing
or the fall of the Berlin Wall,
but I did see my father
take a grapefruit to go.
Thanks a lot, pal!
You cost us the pennant!
Yeah, right there!
Ah, yesterday's pizza.
I've been dreaming about you, my friend.
While I slept, I said, "Extra large."
But I told my wife I said, "Sexy Marge."
Oh, why didn't I put on
my pizza-eating gloves?
Oh
Where are you, Homer?
Burns just called a staff meeting.
The only seats are next to him.
Oh, God, I need a miracle.
Hey, why don't you bring a
balloon to your coworkers?
They're like kites
without the hard work.
How long have you been selling balloons?
It's an interesting story.
Well, this is a story
of a poor mountain man
Spoke worse English
than Mr. Jackie Chan
Then one day,
he was tendin' to his still
Heard a hissing sound and
his pants began to fill
Helium.
See-through gold.
Symbol, H-E.
Well, the first thing you know
He's gone.
My best friend is gone.
I want you to know
that the coworker you
thought was Chip Incognito
was actually me undercover.
Sorry I'm late, everybody.
Here, have a balloon.
Simpson, Mr. Burns is a Fortune 500 CEO.
- He's not going to
- Quiet, you fool.
Mmm. Pure, uncut helium.
Thanks to birthday balloons,
rarer than ever.
Smithers, might I remind you
we pay a fortune
for helium to cool our reactors?
Right as always, sir.
That price is sky-high!
Where did you get this?
Oh, the bumpkin I got it from
has tons of it.
But I got to warn you
he has no idea of what it's worth.
Excellent.
How I love a good swindle.
What do you think?
He called on me!
Bah. As for you, Simpson,
Employee of the Month.
So, Marge,
I killed it at the staff meeting today.
The key is preparation.
Something amazing has
happened to Maggie.
She's in love.
Aw.
If this gets any cuter, I'm gonna bust.
Aw! Ooh!
Aw!
Cletus, get the dang door!
I can't very well answer the
door with an unloaded shotgun,
can I, woman?
Howdy, neighbor.
May I offer you some
Manhattan squirrel chowder?
You smell like indoor plumbin'.
Mm. He's onto us.
No need to pretend we're inbred hicks.
No offense, goober.
None taken.
All right, Spuckler,
you've got helium, which I want.
I've got what you want,
a tin cup filled with dimes.
Let's make a deal.
Now, hold on.
I likes to have a drink with a feller
beforen I make a busy-ness deal.
I have imbibed every intoxicant
from sweet Yale beer
to Flint, Michigan water.
Do your worst.
Absolutely no effect upon my
Sir, maybe this Spuckler fellow
is a little smarter than we thought.
Nonsense.
Ow!
Hmm. Perhaps it takes an
idiot to catch an idiot.
Hello! Could I get a little help?
I dropped my sandwich in here.
You and Mr. Spuckler will
enter into what the hoi polloi
called a "friendship,"
then use that friendship
to destroy his life
from the inside out.
I don't know. He's got kids.
I can't cheat a family
out of their home.
Mm-hmm. But you're perfectly fine
cheating me out of their home.
Oh. You're trying to confuse me.
I got to get out. Where's the trap door?
Save me.
You know Weinstein from Accounting.
If you're confused,
perhaps these two gentlemen
can clarify things.
This fellow loves inflicting pain.
And this fellow loves to laugh
while he watches this
one produce the pain.
Are you the pain guy or the laugh guy?
Answer the question.
D'oh!
Hello?
Maggie Simpson here for a playdate.
Hudson's on a conference call.
I'll buzz you in.
You have a lovely home.
What is this floor made out of?
The tile was a Venetian church
which we dismantled,
shipped over by small boat
and had lovingly installed
by a 99-year-old I.M. Pei.
That sounds pricey.
No, the toilet is pricey.
The plumbers we hired to
replace it are very inefficient.
Let's go, you little runts.
What? Are your diapers full?
Would you like some coffee
as you fill out a sexual history?
Sexual history?
So our babies can be friends?
Here's mine.
All right.
Cream, no sugar.
So unusual to see a baby
with a pacifier these days.
Your baby has such interesting hair.
You don't mind that I
babyproofed your baby
- from my baby, do you?
- Yes, I do.
Very much.
Maggie, let's go. Now.
And we're not coming back.
Whatcha doing there, friend?
Good to see you again.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
Nothing like a good "a-yup"
- to put a man at ease.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
- A-nope.
I mean, a-yup.
Say, friend,
looks like you're working awful hard
to suck the helium into
them thar Mylar balloons.
Oh, it's powerful tiresome.
But the Lord done put
helium under my feet,
and I must not spill it into the sky.
Now, listen.
Explain that you have a way
to make his life easier.
Pretend it's your idea.
He's stupid enough to
believe you have an idea.
Say, "What if I told you
there was a way to
harvest that noble gas?"
"What if I told you there was
a way to harvest that noble gas
without the strain on
your mouth puffer."
I'd say, "Aw, pshaw,"
but then I'd follow it with a "Go on."
- Excellent.
- "Excellent."
No, don't say excellent.
"No, don't say excellent."
No, don't say that, either.
"No, don't say that, either."
- Just shut up.
- "Just shut up."
I'll have to mull your proposal,
especially that last crazy part.
You just saved me a passel of work.
Now I can spend more
time making more family.
Homer J. Simpson.
Cletus Delroy Montfort
Bigglesworth Spuckler.
Now, let's go yonder
and get ourselves a mess of catfish.
All right, I'm gonna get my arm
so deep into that catfish hole,
that ole chucklehead just bites my bone.
Easy-peasy.
Now, don't scare him.
It sours up the flavor.
It's licking my eye.
- Is it dead?
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
All right, nothing like
a good ole Spuckler family fish fry.
Dear Lord, thank you for bringing
this hairless swamp beast our way.
- Aw.
- His wisdom regarding your mystery balloon gas
has helped us Spucklers
become a two-radio family.
Homer, I want to be your partner.
Seal the deal with a
hillbilly handshake.
Come on.
I consider you family now,
which is not really
that select a circle.
Excellent.
Where'd that come from?
Well done, Simpson.
We'll take him for everything
except the couch on his lawn.
Well, but we're family.
Couldn't you just screw him half over?
No one screws anyone half over.
It's like having half a billion dollars.
What's the point of that?
What's up?
I think we're both upset,
but I'm worried you're gonna talk first.
No, you go ahead.
I'm supposed to screw over a guy
that's only been nice to me.
I'm denying Maggie happiness
because I can't stand
the mother of her friend.
Aw. Maggie'll be fine.
I just played with her.
She still thinks I've got her nose.
Wait, where'd I put it?
Not here. No. No.
Oh, look what you found.
I have something I need to tell you.
Hudson had a birthday party,
but I didn't tell you, so you missed it.
I can explain.
That other mom was just so annoying
with her aerial silks
and those yoga pants.
She does Pilates, not yoga.
She made me feel bad about myself.
You get it, right? Right?
Get this contract signed, Simpson.
- Or what?
- Hmm.
Perhaps you need a little
taste of what's in store.
Ow!
Sorry, Smithers.
We didn't want to leave a
mark that Cletus could see.
But you could've warned me first.
Fair enough. Watch your back.
Well, if it ain't my bestest friend
on God's flat Earth.
- Oh.
- So, what's in your hand?
Some sort of a friendship certificate?
Uh, you know, just something
to put our partnership on the up-and-up.
Hey, what's more up-and-up
than the helium business?
- Ain't you gonna read it?
- I trust you,
like a sheep trusts a friendly wolf.
I signs with an "X"
'cause that's the kind of iPhone I got.
And now for the second slash
that makes it official.
Oh, I need a straightedge.
Straight-Edge! Get over here, boy!
Yes, Daddy.
I can't do it.
- You done floated my mark-maker.
- I won't
let you sign it.
It's all a trick to steal your helium.
You was gonna steal from
a man what has 29 kids?
30. 31!
Yeah, but I told you
before it was too late.
Okay, we're still buddies.
Getting mad at city folk for lying
is like getting mad at your six-year-old
for not cleaning her gun.
- Put her there.
- Uh, that's your left hand.
They's both left hands.
Simpson, you fool.
I hope you kissed your
wife well this morning,
because it will be the last one.
Well, it was a medium.
Part of it hit her ear.
Hey, you harm my friend,
you ain't getting
balloon one of my helium.
And I mean ever.
Quite the dilemma.
Smithers, solve this if you
don't want another kick.
Cletus, about your helium.
What if we paid you a fair price?
County fair or state fair?
I can't lose to someone so stupid.
Goons, get him.
We'll pay you what's right.
We have a deal.
Have your people call my basset hound.
Well, this'll help you forget
your billionaire troubles.
Have a toke on this, friend.
Help me! Help me!
You'll rue the day.
Smithers, power lines!
Oh, Maggie.
You're too young to be
miserable the rest of your life.
In this rom-com,
I am not going to be the mean mother.
Let's go.
You know, the one thing
we have in common
is we're willing to pretend
that we like each other
for our children.
To that, I say, "Kiss-kiss."
Ooh, we're sharing some grits
Yours has butter,
mine has possum gravy
We're pals, so I eat your weird food
Woo-hoo-hoo
Ooh, you're making me fat now, Homer
I don't have long to live
Ooh, you're the best friend
That I ever had
You're the one who
keeps my balloons flyin'
You're my moonshine,
and I want you to know
That I'm not sniffing glue
I really love you
Oh, you're my best friend
Ooh, you gave me your tooth
I love that you're
whittlin' a stool for me
I need two, one for each cheek
Two, you'll have 'em
next week, now, Homer
Cool, let's pee in the creek
Ooh, you're a mountain man
Who lives off the grid
You chased off Burns with a shotgun
That was such fun
And I love to drink
The methanol
From your still
Ooh, you're my best friend
Ooh, you're my best friend
Ooh, I might not live
Ooh, you're my best friend.
Shh!
D'oh!
Flanders.
Hmm.
Maybe we should find a new playground.
Oh. Well, this looks nice.
Har-har.
Shady trees,
bathrooms with doors
and that loopy-loop slide
dumps you out on soft recycled tires.
Oh, Pirellis.
Oh, look! It's your friend Hudson.
My son seems to really
like your daughter.
- Courtney.
- Marge.
Is that ironic or retro?
It's my name.
They're having so much fun.
- Is she free for a playdate tomorrow?
- Yes.
Has she been in the same
room as a peanut recently?
- No.
- Can I check off her vaccinations?
TB? DTaP? Measles-mumps-rubella?
Yes, yes, yes.
Breast or bottle?
Bottle, but I'm not a monster.
I can bring cookies.
White sugar. That's hilarious.
I'll have to tell my
partner you said that.
Well, I'm gonna tell my
partner you mocked white sugar.
See you tomorrow.
Pancakes are on the table, Homie.
And flapjacks will be
ready in a few minutes.
Marge, I'm trying to lose weight.
Pancakes will be fine.
Are you sure?
I have to face facts.
In some small ways,
I've let myself go.
What's wrong? Who died?
We're worried you will.
We want you to live longer, Dad.
Never what I want.
Fine. You know what, skip the pancakes.
I'll just have
a grapefruit to go.
I didn't see the moon landing
or the fall of the Berlin Wall,
but I did see my father
take a grapefruit to go.
Thanks a lot, pal!
You cost us the pennant!
Yeah, right there!
Ah, yesterday's pizza.
I've been dreaming about you, my friend.
While I slept, I said, "Extra large."
But I told my wife I said, "Sexy Marge."
Oh, why didn't I put on
my pizza-eating gloves?
Oh
Where are you, Homer?
Burns just called a staff meeting.
The only seats are next to him.
Oh, God, I need a miracle.
Hey, why don't you bring a
balloon to your coworkers?
They're like kites
without the hard work.
How long have you been selling balloons?
It's an interesting story.
Well, this is a story
of a poor mountain man
Spoke worse English
than Mr. Jackie Chan
Then one day,
he was tendin' to his still
Heard a hissing sound and
his pants began to fill
Helium.
See-through gold.
Symbol, H-E.
Well, the first thing you know
He's gone.
My best friend is gone.
I want you to know
that the coworker you
thought was Chip Incognito
was actually me undercover.
Sorry I'm late, everybody.
Here, have a balloon.
Simpson, Mr. Burns is a Fortune 500 CEO.
- He's not going to
- Quiet, you fool.
Mmm. Pure, uncut helium.
Thanks to birthday balloons,
rarer than ever.
Smithers, might I remind you
we pay a fortune
for helium to cool our reactors?
Right as always, sir.
That price is sky-high!
Where did you get this?
Oh, the bumpkin I got it from
has tons of it.
But I got to warn you
he has no idea of what it's worth.
Excellent.
How I love a good swindle.
What do you think?
He called on me!
Bah. As for you, Simpson,
Employee of the Month.
So, Marge,
I killed it at the staff meeting today.
The key is preparation.
Something amazing has
happened to Maggie.
She's in love.
Aw.
If this gets any cuter, I'm gonna bust.
Aw! Ooh!
Aw!
Cletus, get the dang door!
I can't very well answer the
door with an unloaded shotgun,
can I, woman?
Howdy, neighbor.
May I offer you some
Manhattan squirrel chowder?
You smell like indoor plumbin'.
Mm. He's onto us.
No need to pretend we're inbred hicks.
No offense, goober.
None taken.
All right, Spuckler,
you've got helium, which I want.
I've got what you want,
a tin cup filled with dimes.
Let's make a deal.
Now, hold on.
I likes to have a drink with a feller
beforen I make a busy-ness deal.
I have imbibed every intoxicant
from sweet Yale beer
to Flint, Michigan water.
Do your worst.
Absolutely no effect upon my
Sir, maybe this Spuckler fellow
is a little smarter than we thought.
Nonsense.
Ow!
Hmm. Perhaps it takes an
idiot to catch an idiot.
Hello! Could I get a little help?
I dropped my sandwich in here.
You and Mr. Spuckler will
enter into what the hoi polloi
called a "friendship,"
then use that friendship
to destroy his life
from the inside out.
I don't know. He's got kids.
I can't cheat a family
out of their home.
Mm-hmm. But you're perfectly fine
cheating me out of their home.
Oh. You're trying to confuse me.
I got to get out. Where's the trap door?
Save me.
You know Weinstein from Accounting.
If you're confused,
perhaps these two gentlemen
can clarify things.
This fellow loves inflicting pain.
And this fellow loves to laugh
while he watches this
one produce the pain.
Are you the pain guy or the laugh guy?
Answer the question.
D'oh!
Hello?
Maggie Simpson here for a playdate.
Hudson's on a conference call.
I'll buzz you in.
You have a lovely home.
What is this floor made out of?
The tile was a Venetian church
which we dismantled,
shipped over by small boat
and had lovingly installed
by a 99-year-old I.M. Pei.
That sounds pricey.
No, the toilet is pricey.
The plumbers we hired to
replace it are very inefficient.
Let's go, you little runts.
What? Are your diapers full?
Would you like some coffee
as you fill out a sexual history?
Sexual history?
So our babies can be friends?
Here's mine.
All right.
Cream, no sugar.
So unusual to see a baby
with a pacifier these days.
Your baby has such interesting hair.
You don't mind that I
babyproofed your baby
- from my baby, do you?
- Yes, I do.
Very much.
Maggie, let's go. Now.
And we're not coming back.
Whatcha doing there, friend?
Good to see you again.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
Nothing like a good "a-yup"
- to put a man at ease.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
- A-yup.
- A-nope.
I mean, a-yup.
Say, friend,
looks like you're working awful hard
to suck the helium into
them thar Mylar balloons.
Oh, it's powerful tiresome.
But the Lord done put
helium under my feet,
and I must not spill it into the sky.
Now, listen.
Explain that you have a way
to make his life easier.
Pretend it's your idea.
He's stupid enough to
believe you have an idea.
Say, "What if I told you
there was a way to
harvest that noble gas?"
"What if I told you there was
a way to harvest that noble gas
without the strain on
your mouth puffer."
I'd say, "Aw, pshaw,"
but then I'd follow it with a "Go on."
- Excellent.
- "Excellent."
No, don't say excellent.
"No, don't say excellent."
No, don't say that, either.
"No, don't say that, either."
- Just shut up.
- "Just shut up."
I'll have to mull your proposal,
especially that last crazy part.
You just saved me a passel of work.
Now I can spend more
time making more family.
Homer J. Simpson.
Cletus Delroy Montfort
Bigglesworth Spuckler.
Now, let's go yonder
and get ourselves a mess of catfish.
All right, I'm gonna get my arm
so deep into that catfish hole,
that ole chucklehead just bites my bone.
Easy-peasy.
Now, don't scare him.
It sours up the flavor.
It's licking my eye.
- Is it dead?
- Mm-hmm.
Thank you.
All right, nothing like
a good ole Spuckler family fish fry.
Dear Lord, thank you for bringing
this hairless swamp beast our way.
- Aw.
- His wisdom regarding your mystery balloon gas
has helped us Spucklers
become a two-radio family.
Homer, I want to be your partner.
Seal the deal with a
hillbilly handshake.
Come on.
I consider you family now,
which is not really
that select a circle.
Excellent.
Where'd that come from?
Well done, Simpson.
We'll take him for everything
except the couch on his lawn.
Well, but we're family.
Couldn't you just screw him half over?
No one screws anyone half over.
It's like having half a billion dollars.
What's the point of that?
What's up?
I think we're both upset,
but I'm worried you're gonna talk first.
No, you go ahead.
I'm supposed to screw over a guy
that's only been nice to me.
I'm denying Maggie happiness
because I can't stand
the mother of her friend.
Aw. Maggie'll be fine.
I just played with her.
She still thinks I've got her nose.
Wait, where'd I put it?
Not here. No. No.
Oh, look what you found.
I have something I need to tell you.
Hudson had a birthday party,
but I didn't tell you, so you missed it.
I can explain.
That other mom was just so annoying
with her aerial silks
and those yoga pants.
She does Pilates, not yoga.
She made me feel bad about myself.
You get it, right? Right?
Get this contract signed, Simpson.
- Or what?
- Hmm.
Perhaps you need a little
taste of what's in store.
Ow!
Sorry, Smithers.
We didn't want to leave a
mark that Cletus could see.
But you could've warned me first.
Fair enough. Watch your back.
Well, if it ain't my bestest friend
on God's flat Earth.
- Oh.
- So, what's in your hand?
Some sort of a friendship certificate?
Uh, you know, just something
to put our partnership on the up-and-up.
Hey, what's more up-and-up
than the helium business?
- Ain't you gonna read it?
- I trust you,
like a sheep trusts a friendly wolf.
I signs with an "X"
'cause that's the kind of iPhone I got.
And now for the second slash
that makes it official.
Oh, I need a straightedge.
Straight-Edge! Get over here, boy!
Yes, Daddy.
I can't do it.
- You done floated my mark-maker.
- I won't
let you sign it.
It's all a trick to steal your helium.
You was gonna steal from
a man what has 29 kids?
30. 31!
Yeah, but I told you
before it was too late.
Okay, we're still buddies.
Getting mad at city folk for lying
is like getting mad at your six-year-old
for not cleaning her gun.
- Put her there.
- Uh, that's your left hand.
They's both left hands.
Simpson, you fool.
I hope you kissed your
wife well this morning,
because it will be the last one.
Well, it was a medium.
Part of it hit her ear.
Hey, you harm my friend,
you ain't getting
balloon one of my helium.
And I mean ever.
Quite the dilemma.
Smithers, solve this if you
don't want another kick.
Cletus, about your helium.
What if we paid you a fair price?
County fair or state fair?
I can't lose to someone so stupid.
Goons, get him.
We'll pay you what's right.
We have a deal.
Have your people call my basset hound.
Well, this'll help you forget
your billionaire troubles.
Have a toke on this, friend.
Help me! Help me!
You'll rue the day.
Smithers, power lines!
Oh, Maggie.
You're too young to be
miserable the rest of your life.
In this rom-com,
I am not going to be the mean mother.
Let's go.
You know, the one thing
we have in common
is we're willing to pretend
that we like each other
for our children.
To that, I say, "Kiss-kiss."
Ooh, we're sharing some grits
Yours has butter,
mine has possum gravy
We're pals, so I eat your weird food
Woo-hoo-hoo
Ooh, you're making me fat now, Homer
I don't have long to live
Ooh, you're the best friend
That I ever had
You're the one who
keeps my balloons flyin'
You're my moonshine,
and I want you to know
That I'm not sniffing glue
I really love you
Oh, you're my best friend
Ooh, you gave me your tooth
I love that you're
whittlin' a stool for me
I need two, one for each cheek
Two, you'll have 'em
next week, now, Homer
Cool, let's pee in the creek
Ooh, you're a mountain man
Who lives off the grid
You chased off Burns with a shotgun
That was such fun
And I love to drink
The methanol
From your still
Ooh, you're my best friend
Ooh, you're my best friend
Ooh, I might not live
Ooh, you're my best friend.
Shh!