8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s18e98 Episode Script

Christmas Special

1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight, on the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas special.
Christmas "Cona-tree", it's Roisin Conaty.
"Joe" to the world.
It's Joe Lycett.
And their team captain, Jon Richardson.
And facing them tonight, "Andre" in a manger.
It's Peter Andre.
A child is "Seann", Seann Walsh.
And their team captain, Sea-an Lock! Now, welcome your host, Jimm-y-y Carr.
CHEERING Thanks very much.
Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special, a show all about the biggest news stories of the year and, of course, Christmas.
Did you know, for example, according to a survey, 30% of people think their mum is difficult to buy for.
No wonder when it's so complicated.
First, you have to turn on the computer, then you have to Google John Lewis, then choose Gift Suggestions For Her.
Then click on the first thing that costs about 20 quid.
Such a hassle! LAUGHTER The word "hark", commonly featured in Christmas carols means listen, as in the sentence, "Hark! I know it's Christmas day, but I'm leaving you.
" LAUGHTER And 14% of Brits drink more than they intend to over Christmas.
But how much is too much? If you find yourself on Christmas afternoon watching the Bond movie with sick all down your front and your tongue in your mother-in-law's throat, you might want to lay off the sherry.
LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round and, as it's the end of the year, it's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most talked about news stories of 2015.
Sean, what do you think the nation's been talking about this year? - The Tories winning the election.
- Tell me more.
- It was a surprise win for the Tories.
- Whoa, whoa! - No, it wasn't.
I haven't got that far.
Haven't finished watching.
Did you Sky Plus it? He's only gone and bloody - He's ruined the end for you.
- Spoiler alert! It was a tricky old watch, wasn't it, the election night? I spent money on a hotel.
I wasn't allowed to watch it through the night in case I woke my wife up, so I hired a hotel room.
And I went and stayed in it with my friend and we Sorry, is this genuinely true? On election night, you said, "I'm getting a hotel for the evening, darling.
" - We booked a hotel room, me and him, near Westminster.
- You and him? LAUGHTER - Not you and the wife? You and - She didn't want to watch it, Jimmy, otherwise we'd have watched it at home.
I'm not an idiot! LAUGHTER Sorry, if something's on that she doesn't want to watch, you book a hotel to watch it?! - I'm not sure - I said, "let's stay up.
" It feels like you're a lodger and they don't like you.
LAUGHTER What hotel was it? Upmarket or? It was a Plaza Suites because we wanted a little kitchenette so we could microwave our curries and then Oh, I think I'm going to cry.
LAUGHTER You had a worse election night than Ed Miliband.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I had a brief nap and the man I was staying with woke up and he was in tears because Jim Murphy had lost his seat.
I do so love Jim Murphy.
LAUGHTER It's a big night, elections.
It's exciting.
You want to be there when it happens, don't you? - In a hotel away from your loved ones.
- I'd like her She was invited.
- She chose not to spend the evening with me.
- She wasn't welcome.
LAUGHTER Can you relate to this at all? Have you ever gone, "I really want to watch this on TV "so I'm going to book a hotel, love, because"? No, it's peculiar, to say the very least.
I mean, that's grounds for divorce, I would say.
Um Roisin? I watched all the old election footage for this show.
It's really depressing.
It's a really sad election, watching it all unfold.
Like, Nick Clegg going on the manifesto, like, when he was campaigning It's insane.
He's so deluded.
He was sort of In a film when there's two soldiers and one of them's been shot but he doesn't realise he's going to die.
"I'm going to get a girl.
I'm get to get married an elected House of Lords" It's like, "You're dead, mate!" - Sean, what do you think? - The thing about Cameron is nothing sticks.
Anything negative that comes out about him in the press or anything he does just never sticks, never damages him.
You know, he left his daughter in a pub, he makes jokes about that now like you do about tax.
He's got away with it.
LAUGHTER Nothing sticks.
It's like, all of his associates with the phone hacking scandal, supportive texts to Rebekah Brooks, Andy Coulson.
Now the dead pig.
Nothing sticks.
I think he could push Mary Berry down some stairs LAUGHTER Just laugh it off.
"Oh, it's just Dave!" He's quite handsome.
How long's it been, Roisin? LAUGHTER I think he's quite handsome.
- Really? - I hate it.
I hate that I think that.
Yeah, I know! I see that.
Sometimes when he's at the Dispatch Box, he's like - Just looking a bit saucy.
I get it.
- I know it's wrong.
I know it's wrong, but what can you do? If you're watching, David, I will! LAUGHTER Well, take a look at this.
It looks like he's been beached there, doesn't it? He's just got it, you know.
I hate saying it, but it's true.
- He's got it? What's he got? - Type 2 diabetes, by the look of it.
LAUGHTER Now, if you've ever wondered what it would look like if you crossed Abba and Ukip, wonder no more, my friends.
He's here is the Ukip candidate for Stockton North, Mandy Boylett.
SINGS TO CHIQUITITA TUNE CHEERING AND APPLAUSE OK! Did you enjoy that? It wasn't as bad as when Peter ruined A Whole New World.
LAUGHTER - He has got a point! - How dare you? Sorry, because I like you.
- It's all done with love.
- Don't apologise.
- OK.
LAUGHTER - Don't apologise, you're doing your job.
- Right, yeah.
- Got to be proud of what you said.
- I did damage it for you.
Peter, I once was in a lift and It's going to be a great story.
and the door opened and it was you.
I was so stunned I laughed.
- Was this at Iceland? - No.
LAUGHTER Just seeing you in the context of the real world.
It's like seeing a dog with sunglasses on.
I never thought I'd see you in the real world and I saw him It was like seeing a dog with sunglasses.
He's sat right there.
In a good way.
I was just stunned because I hadn't really seen famous people.
- And that was it.
- And I laughed out of surprise.
"Peter Andre is getting in the lift just doing stuff!" I genuinely bought Flavour.
# If you wanna swing Let me do my thing Are you trying to make up for what you said about A Whole New World? He's trying to be nice, isn't he? Yeah, he's trying to be nice and I'm ashamed of him! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Let's have a look and see if the election is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's the Tories winning the election.
In a surprise result, the Tories won the general election with an overall majority.
David Cameron was as happy as a pig in Hang on, David! What are you doing with that pig? LAUGHTER So, it's Christmas and what would Christmas be without presents? So, I've brought a couple of gifts for our team captains.
Jon, you got married this year so I got you something to spice life up.
Is it a hotel stay with one of my friends? LAUGHTER - There you go.
I got you that.
I hope you like it.
- Thank you, Jimmy.
- Nice wrapping.
- Well, thank you.
I like to wrap.
Disappointingly light.
Exactly what he's got for Christmas Day, I imagine.
That's nice! - Oh, look! I don't know what it is.
- I'll tell you what it is.
It's a glove so you can hold hands.
Try it with Roisin.
- Try it with Roisin.
- Oh! - So you just Oh, we're touching hands! You can hold hands If you're going to react like that then you can't hold hands with me! - Joe? - It's for couples in love.
You see, that's a nice react.
I wasn't expecting a little, creepy hand in there.
LAUGHTER Like a tarantula.
To Jon's wife, spin on it, bitch! LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That's nice, isn't it? You don't have to stop using it, it's yours.
You can hold hands with Joe for the rest of the show, if you want.
I'll probably pop it away for now.
LAUGHTER I need to work on making my skin feel in a way that doesn't repulse women immediately.
Sean, you're very down with the kids so I got you the latest thing.
I got a hoverboard for you.
LAUGHTER A hoverboard.
Can I take this opportunity, Jimmy, to say how pleased I am with my sodding mittens? LAUGHTER Sean, if you want to have a go you're more than welcome.
The elves will help you so you don't fall.
Well, I don't think it's a good idea someone like me falling at this time of year.
LAUGHTER Give it a crack, it's a lovely device.
You'll be good at it, Sean.
So, the elves are going to show you how it works.
- So I can keep this, can I, Jimmy? - Yeah.
- Seriously? I mean, you don't have to have two men hold you.
LAUGHTER - What do I do? - You sort of lean forward a bit.
Lean forward with your toes.
Sean now looks like a robot version of himself.
LAUGHTER This is amazing to watch, isn't it? LAUGHTER What do you think, Sean? - Do you think you might be ready for a go on your own, Grandad? - Yeah.
Oh! This is Slow down, Sean! Slow-down.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Sean, slow down! WHISTLING AND APPLAUSE Yeah! I don't see the point of it, though, because walking is quicker.
LAUGHTER Certainly the way you ride it, yeah.
You look like a kebab now.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE ALL: Whoa! That's how you get off! APPLAUSE Wow! - Well done! - Did you not get us any presents? - Huh? - Here's some shit mittens.
LAUGHTER Apparently they hover and take you into the future.
LAUGHTER That's the presents done.
Jon's team, what do you think people have been talking about this year? Is it Jeremy Clarkson? He got fired from Top Gear or asked to leave quietly.
- Fired, I think.
- Fired.
- I mean, it did make the papers.
It's a good lesson for kids that if you're misogynist and racist and then you chin someone, you'll have to go and do your job for three times the money elsewhere.
LAUGHTER That'll teach him! Surely the fans of the show must feel Once you know that he's hit someone because he didn't have a Deliveroo, or whatever, it's just depressing to see him on telly now.
You know, he's hit someone in the face because he was hungry.
You know the hotel where it happened have got a blue plaque up.
Well, black and blue.
LAUGHTER The thing I found amazing about Top Gear is - it's the most successful TV show in the world.
- Yep.
And it's based around men pointing at cars, middle-aged men pointing at cars, and just calling them lesbians.
That's basically Top Gear, isn't it? He goes, "That car is like a lesbian!" And then just goes, brilliant! LAUGHTER Top Gear is sport for men who don't like sport, isn't it, really? People who don't like sport like cars.
That's the sort of thing, isn't it? And you can't kill it.
We thought we were getting rid of him, but it's just like cutting a worm in half.
Now there's two.
LAUGHTER What's incredible about it is that Clarkson gets all the shit, and rightly so, he's done a lot at wrong, but Hammond and May just sort of Every time he does something wrong they get interviewed and they just go, "Well, he's a naughty sod, isn't he? All that racism!" Then they just follow him.
They're so in his pocket that there will be an interview where they go, "So what are you going to do?" They say, "Well, daddy says "Um, Jeremy says we've got to" LAUGHTER OK.
Let's take a look and see if Top Gear is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's Jeremy Clarkson punching a producer and being sacked by the BBC.
Clarkson's new series for Amazon Prime has a £160 million budget, making it one of the most expensive TV shows ever.
Huge, bloated and hard to justify, certainly, but he's still a great TV presenter.
LAUGHTER Fingers on buzzers.
Three new stories still to go.
BUZZER SOUNDS - Sean's team.
- Star Wars.
- Star Wars? Yes, yes, Sean.
- They were talking about Star Wars.
- You like Star Wars, don't you? - It's fine.
- Are you not like a big Star Wars fan? Most people get really excited about it coming out.
- I cried when Han Solo turned up in the trailer.
- Why? - I just got goose bumps.
I was excited.
- Oh, so you are? - But I'm - I wouldn't say that's displaying normal reactions.
- It is! It's quite common.
- I was pretty excited about it.
- Have they updated it? Is it Like Bond is now dark because of the stress of the job in the modern world.
Because they're old so presumably they'd be like Chewbacca has got grey bits and Harrison Ford has to put a haemorrhoid ring down before he sits down.
Ooh, you bastard! LAUGHTER It's nice when people go in fancy dress, isn't it, to the cinema? People go dressed up as characters, which I think is obviously Are you going to see Starsky and Hutch, are you? LAUGHTER OK.
Star Wars has inspired more than its fair share of obsessive fans.
None more so than a man from Hull who's learned how to speak Wookiee.
And here he is! Please! APPLAUSE - I believe your name is Jake? - That's right.
And you learned how to speak Wookiee? - I did learn how to speak Wookiee, yeah.
- Well, we've got a quiz.
People of Lucasfilm and Disney said you cannot use a Wookiee costume, so we made our own.
I think we've nailed it.
OK, so we'll give you Christmassy phrases to say and then the teams have to guess what he's saying in Wookiee.
So, Christmas phrase number one.
HE SPEAKS WOOKIEE LAUGHTER - You're a grown man! - Yeah, I know.
Have I got it? That's why dads go to Iceland! LAUGHTER Say that again.
What is it? HE SPEAKS WOOKIEE Completely different.
LAUGHTER No, maybe that's OK.
So, that's something Christmassy.
- We wish you a Merry Christmas.
- No, it's a foodstuff, I believe.
- Turkey.
It gives you wind.
Can you separate the Brussels and the sprouts bit for us? WOOKIEE That's Brussels.
MORE WOOKIEE That's sprout.
Oh, yeah! OK, so next Christmassy phrase.
MORE WOOKIEE That's the X Factor winner's single, that.
LAUGHTER - One of them has a red nose.
- A reindeer.
Reindeer is the right answer.
What are you doing? - Not doing any consonants? - It's mainly vowels and a bit of gargling.
What I want to know is, they didn't make you wear a head.
Why did they make you wear the gloves? LAUGHTER He's not going to attack anyone! Take them off.
Relax! You've got lovely hands.
It leads on to the next question.
What do you think it would be like to touch a girl? LAUGHTER Let's hear it for Jake and Wookiee, everyone.
Thank you, Jake.
APPLAUSE Right, let's have a look and see if Star Wars is up there.
APPLAUSE Hey! Yes, it's the new Star Wars film, The Force Awakens.
Disney's The Force Awakens tells the inspiring tale of a raggle-taggle bunch of tired characters fighting bravely to sell merchandise to make billions of dollars for the world's second largest media corporation.
OK, at the end of that, I can tell you Jon's team are in the lead.
That's the end of part one.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're still trying to guess the most talked about news stories of the year.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
Two more news stories still to get.
- BUZZER Sean's team.
- Fifa.
They have been riddled with corruption, and Sepp Blatter, he's going, but he never actually goes, does he? He just hangs around.
Just clinging on endlessly.
But Fifa is profoundly corrupt and being investigated by the FBI, and various other criminally investigative agencies who are slowly uncovering a seedy, er, cataclysm of, er, financial wrongdoings.
LAUGHTER I'll stop him before this goes on.
I'm required to say Sepp Blatter has denied any wrongdoing.
Can I say that he looks like a waxwork of a scrotum? LAUGHTER What museums are you going to? LAUGHTER What was your first inkling that there was something amiss at Fifa? Well, it was on the news.
LAUGHTER - That's a fine answer.
- Yeah, that's a good answer.
That's how I usually find out most of the stuff that's going on in the world - the news.
I don't have time to fly around the world and check on everything.
LAUGHTER So when they announced the World Cup had gone to Qatar, - what did you make of that? - It's an outrage.
They say it'll be great for the Qatari fans, but there's only about 12 of them.
There are only about 50 people in Qatar who are from Qatar.
Qatar doesn't actually grow grass.
No, you can't even drink there.
LAUGHTER Seann, what do you make of the football scandal? You're a big football fan.
Well, I was annoyed that Fifa 99 was the exact same as Fifa 98.
LAUGHTER Getting to the heart of the scandal.
The next one's different.
Fifa 2016, they've made it more like Fifa.
So it's more of a sort of Grand Theft Auto.
LAUGHTER It's not just football, though, is it? That's what's annoying.
I mean, all sport is There are so many banned athletes now from drugs.
60% of racehorses are two banned athletes in a pantomime horse outfit.
Phil "The Power" Taylor is an android.
That's a fact.
Two of the Oxford boat crew in this year's boat race were working class.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I like it when the whole of the world's media gangs up on an old person.
I think it's good.
I think we should pick on more old people who have actually done nothing, and just give them a really hard time.
"Look at the state you've left the world in.
"How can you be proud of this mess that we all live in?" Just pick on random old people, and just hound them.
Just all the world's media outside their bungalow.
"Look at the state of this - no houses, "the environment.
It's dreadful, isn't it? "All these bugs, superbugs, cos you don't finish your antibiotics, "you silly old bastards.
" LAUGHTER I think this is where we start with Blatter - he's at the top of the old person pyramid, and we start working down.
They'll be at me in about six months.
So here it is, Merry Christmas LAUGHTER Well, I can tell you the Fifa scandal is not up there, but investigators are now starting to suspect that at some point between the alleged money-laundering, racketeering and wire fraud, Fifa may have also tried to organise a football tournament.
LAUGHTER OK, fingers on buzzers.
Two more news stories still to get.
Well, there's been a lot going on, but I don't think anyone has been as upset about anything as people have about 5p carrier bags.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, it's so annoying.
Cos the first time it happened, I didn't have 5p.
I was like, "Oh, just got to carry these anal beads down the high street.
" LAUGHTER Well, there is one way you could have carried them.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE You know when you buy shoes, they say, "Do you want them in the box?" You go, "No, I'll wear them.
I'll wear my shoes today.
" You could have done that.
JON: I don't want to sound like your mother, Joe, but if you've got money for anal beads, you've got money for carrier bags.
LAUGHTER - Jon, how annoyed were you at this? - I think it's a good idea.
And it's great news for bag ladies.
They're rich beyond their wildest dreams.
They used to have the piss taken out of them, and now people think, "Look at that flashy cow over there.
" Peter, does the 5p charge annoy you? - Do you question whether you buy a bag or not? - Well - Nah.
- Have a good think about it.
LAUGHTER I'm thinking, I'm thinking.
I've found a solution to the whole plastic bag thing is I use a heavy-duty condom.
And I've had some handles grafted onto it.
And the stuff you can get in there is just incredible, cos they're like a TARDIS.
I actually managed to get a smart car in one, and a tin of marrowfat peas.
And you just carry it around.
They just stretch.
When you say heavy-duty LAUGHTER I can't believe self-service machines ask you how many bags you've used.
Like I'm going to grass myself up.
LAUGHTER "Oh, you got me - five!" Now, the plastic bag story, it didn't elicit many hilarious clips on the news, but let's enjoy the greatest ever moment involving a plastic bag.
Take this, American Beauty.
It's been around a long time, and as a result, it does take quite a long time to make change, even with the best will in the world.
LAUGHTER What's not to like? OK, let's have a look, then, and see if the 5p plastic bag charge is up there.
The most talked about thing.
Yes, it's supermarkets charging five pence for a plastic bag.
5p doesn't sound like much, but it's an awful lot to spend every time you want to choke a sea bird.
LAUGHTER Of course, in Scotland, they already charge 5p for plastic bags, or as the call them up there, luggage.
LAUGHTER OK, fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
Well, Strictly Come Dancing and X Factor and all that business.
- The huge ratings war.
- Yeah.
Well, the big ratings war for me is between Strictly Come Dancing and Police Interceptors on Channel 5.
When is that show on? Saturday night, Channel 5.
And what happens in it? I've not watched it.
- Neither have I.
- I go out.
LAUGHTER You'll have to explain that to Jon as well.
I've seen what happens when people go out.
It ends up in crime.
I'll see you on the show soon, mate.
"This man is wearing a jumper that is described as criminally offensive.
" I just realised what I'm wearing, so I LAUGHTER So X Factor's ratings plummeted to an all-time low of 5.
6 million, in comparison to Strictly Come Dancing, - which got 10 million viewers.
- Wow.
- Yeah, well done, you.
- Me? - Well, that's the Peter Andre effect, isn't it? - Oh, yeah.
No, no, no.
It was a great, great show, actually, this year.
Better than X Factor.
I missed Strictly this year, and X Factor, cos I found the remote.
LAUGHTER Listen to this quote from Simon Cowell, OK? At the X Factor launch this year, Simon Cowell said, "If it's us versus Peter Andre, I've got to put my money on us.
" - Do you have a reply for Simon Cowell there? - Ooh.
See LAUGHTER That'll fox him.
LAUGHTER It's a great show, X Factor.
- The thing is - Oh, shut up.
Come on.
- Stick it to them, go on.
- I can't, I can't do it.
- Go on.
- Kick them when they're down.
- I can't do it.
JOE: Simon'll have to eat humble pie after that, which is ‎£1 in Iceland, isn't it, I think? LAUGHTER Close, close.
So Simon Cowell, supposedly, the reason that they've dropped in ratings is because he is not as nasty as he used to be, and people like a nasty person on that show.
I think he is just as nasty.
He's just had so much Botox he can't convey it.
LAUGHTER We've got a picture of Simon.
There, take a look.
He looks now like he's been drawn by a toddler on a bumpy journey.
LAUGHTER The other reason X Factor didn't do brilliantly this year is because Strictly was phenomenal, thanks largely to Peter Andre.
Let's take a look at him inaction.
# I don't give a damn what the people say # Gonna do it my way Gonna do it my way # Gonna let it all out Do my thing # A boom boom boom and a bang bang bang # Boom, bang, boom, bang-bang # Boom, bang, boom, bang-bang # Do your thing # Yeah # Do your thing, yeah Do your thing Do your thing.
Pretty good, right? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Peter, I think it's fair to say you did an amazing job on Strictly this year.
Let's see how difficult this dancing lot really is.
Jon, would you like to volunteer someone from your team for the dancing challenge? Oh, can I just say that I would love Joe to do this.
LAUGHTER - OK, so Joe Lycett.
Sean, who's going to do the dancing challenge? - Not me.
At some point in their career, Huw Edwards - everyone is at some point getting reduced to going - Not reduced to, Sean.
Not reduced to.
He's a guest on the show.
- Sorry, not reduced to.
That's the wrong attitude.
Totally wrong attitude, Sean.
Gets the pleasure and the opportunity to do that.
Sean, you're showing us that you've got an out-of-control shopping trolley.
LAUGHTER OK, well, the other Seann, as I like to call you, Seann.
OK, if you would demonstrate one of the classic moves from Strictly.
Get up there and show us what you've got.
'Auditioning for Strictly Come Dancing, Seann Walsh.
' Come on, let's go! STRICTLY COME DANCING THEME plays CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Boo, boo! Joe Lycett, you're up.
'Auditioning for Strictly Come Dancing, Joe Lycett.
It was a pretty good APPLAUSE OK, let's see if the Saturday night ratings war is up there.
APPLAUSE I was shocked by X Factor this series.
Terrified-looking, talentless wannabes who have done nothing to deserve their place on the show, and that was just Olly Murs and Caroline Flack.
OK, at the end of that round, I can tell you, Jon's team are in the lead.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats Christmas Special.
And now it's time to play a few Christmas games.
Each of these pictures relates to a festive game.
Jon, you choose.
- We would like the crackers, please.
- OK.
You've chosen the crackers.
This game is all about punchlines.
- Jon, who are you going to choose for this game? - I'm going to do it.
- OK.
Sean, who is going to play on your team? - What are we doing? - Punchlines for jokes.
- I'm your man.
That's where I really come in.
- OK.
Jon and Sean, come and join me as we play Pull My Christmas Cracker.
LAUGHTER OK, your money is safe, this is just for fun.
LAUGHTER We're playing for the caravan.
This is a little glimpse of I love being on this show, Jimmy.
Just to meet you, it's been my dream come true.
A dream come true.
LAUGHTER I watch it all the time! I watch it all the time! I think you're brilliant.
Can't believe I got through to the final.
LAUGHTER - BUZZER - It's like on the show! I would touch you, but apparently the feel of my skin is repulsive.
LAUGHTER OK, all our players have to do is fill in the punchlines to some classic Christmas cracker jokes.
I'll read out the feed line.
All you have to do is buzz in when you know the punchline.
- Are you ready to play Pull My Cracker? - Yes! LAUGHTER Oh-eh-oh! LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - That's how they do it on the show, isn't it? - Yeah, yeah.
Here's your first one, OK? Why are Christmas trees very bad at knitting? BUZZER Jon got there first.
- Because they keep dropping the needles.
- Correct.
APPLAUSE Oh-eh-oh! LAUGHTER - That's the game! - Yeah! You don't get it.
You go "Oh-eh-eurgh!" LAUGHTER OK.
Why did Santa had to go to the hospital? - BUZZER - Because he couldn't empty his sack! LAUGHTER No! It's APPLAUSE It's better than what I've got on the card.
- I think that point should go to Sean.
- Oh-eh-oh! LAUGHTER Oh-eh-eurgh Because of his poor ELF.
LAUGHTER Who delivers presents to cats? BUZZER - Jon.
- Either Santa Claws or Santa Paws.
Santa Paws is the right answer.
APPLAUSE OH-EH-OH! Oh-eh-eurgh OK.
Why did the turkey LAUGHTER Why did the turkey join the band? BUZZER To The The - Drumsticks! To get some drumsticks! - That's the correct answer.
- Yeah! Because it had the drumsticks.
APPLAUSE What do you get when you cross a snowman and a shark? BUZZER - Sean? - An empty playground.
LAUGHTER Again, it's better than what I've got on the card.
Channel 5's big film of the week.
LAUGHTER Is it a Fin - Frostbite.
- Frostbite! But I'll give it to you, Sean, because the answer was good.
Oh-eh-oh! Oh-eh-OOH! LAUGHTER Why would you invite a mushroom to a Christmas party? BUZZER Jon.
Because you're a vegetarian.
LAUGHTER These are jokes, Jon.
Try not to tell boring stories from your life.
LAUGHTER - BUZZER - Because you're a fun guy! - Fun guy is the right answer.
I'm afraid he got it there.
- Oh, right.
APPLAUSE OK, so the scores are tied.
What athlete is the warmest at Christmas? BUZZER Usain Bolt - lives in Jamaica.
- A long jumper.
Is the right answer! Jon is the winner APPLAUSE .
of Pull My Cracker.
OK, Sean, choose a picture.
Because it's Christmas I'm going to go for the Santa.
You've chosen the shouting Santa.
The next game is all about making noise.
Jon, who will you pick for this challenge? - Roisin Conaty.
- OK.
Sean, who is the loudest on your team? I think it's Peter.
Please join me by the decibel reader.
APPLAUSE # Look to the future now It's only just begun.
We're all excited about Christmas.
We're now going to test who's the most excited.
All they have to do is scream something Christmassy at the top of their lungs into the decibelreader.
Whoever shouts loudest wins.
OK, Roisin, can you shout that into the decibel reader as loud as you can? Just stand behind it there and as loud as you possibly can.
Give it everything.
WAKE UP, NAN! LAUGHTER 117 decibels, and that was horrible, can I say? - OK.
- Thank you! APPLAUSE Peter Andre, can you shout that phrase? Ahem - You probably remember it from - Yeah! LAUGHTER I WANTED AN IPAD! LAUGHTER - So Peter, you got 120 decibels.
That means you're the winner! - Yeah! Look to the future now It's only just begun.
- OK, Jon, choose a picture.
- Ercarrot, please.
OK, you've chosen the carrot.
Our next game is a Christmas bluffing game.
Sean, who are you putting forward? Who's best at bluffing on your team? Not me! LAUGHTER - You might be quite good at this game.
- OK, it's me, then.
- Jon, who do you think? I think you might be quite good at this.
- OK.
Jon and Sean, come and join me by the carrots.
Does this show still go out on telly? No, no, no, you can't look yet.
- Oh, my God, no, Sean, you don't want to ruin it.
- Oh, sorry.
It's an incredible game.
OK, Jon and Sean, this is a bluffing game.
Jon, in front of you is a red box.
Sean, in front of you is a gold box.
There is a carrot in one of these boxes.
I know, it's exciting staff.
The aim of the game is to end up with the carrot.
It's a game of bluff.
When do we do the conundrum? LAUGHTER Sean, stand still.
That's fine.
Jon, you want a carrot.
Sean, you want a carrot.
But there is only one carrot.
Let's play LAUGHTER - I'm giving up with this! - Shush! - This is a stupid - Shush! - It's a brilliant game! - It's stupid! - Stop ruining Christmas! - Why are you ruining Christmas? - I'm not ruining Christmas! - You are! THIS is ruining Christmas! Look at his little face! He's excited about playing.
You're going to ruin it for everyone.
Yeah, I can't wait to win this carrot.
LAUGHTER OK, let's play Carrot In A Box.
OK, Sean, you can look inside your box.
Jon, you cannot look inside your box.
OK, you want the carrot, Sean.
No, no, no, no hands in the box.
You can look inside the box.
- Have you seen? - Yeah! OK, you now have to convince Jon to swap his box if you think he has the carrot, or keep your box.
It's a game of bluff.
The winner is the one with the carrot.
All right, I'llI'll keep this.
LAUGHTER It's got the carrot in it! LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH - OK - Stupid game! You want the carrot OK.
You have a choice.
If you want to If you want to swap It seems there is a carrot in there.
You see the flaw in this game? - LAUGHTER - ROISIN: Jimmy's ploughing on! What do you mean, Jimmy's ploughing on! It's my job! Is Sean bluffing? Does he have a carrot in his box? LAUGHTER It's a real quandary for me, Jimmy, this.
Well, he can choose another box.
Yeah, he's allowed to swap if he wants to.
Why can't I just keep my box? LAUGHTER - No! He can swap he wants to swap.
- I can refuse to swap it.
- No! You can't make somebody swap something.
Have you never played Carrot In A Box before? Have you never seen the show? I must have been on holiday that week it was allowed out.
Do you want to keep your box or swap your box? I can keep this or I can have the box that's definitely got a carrot in? LAUGHTER - Yes.
- I want Sean's box.
OK, grab Sean's box.
Sean, let go of the box.
It's the nature of the game.
It's the nature of the game.
Can I just say at this point, if there is no carrot in the box, you are a genius.
LAUGHTER Swap boxes.
Swap boxes.
- Am I allowed - Swap boxes! - And I allowed to have my box back? Is there another round where I gets you have the box with the carrot in back? I'll level with you, fellas, we've never played this game before.
We do not know how it ends.
- OK, Jon, you're now allowed to look in your box.
- Right.
And I believe you can reveal Point it the other way Does it contain a carrot or not? There's no fucking carrot.
LAUGHTER CHEERING AND APPLAUSE You are the winner! Thank you very much indeed.
That was Carrot In A Box, everyone! I'm going to go and sit down now, and think about what we've done.
LAUGHTER Jon, talk me through how you're feeling.
LAUGHTER You looked like an idiot out there.
It was one of the greatest hustles I've ever seen! LAUGHTER I lost the minute I believed Sean had never played that game before.
LAUGHTER The lesson for me is that we can all play Charlie Big Potatoes when the game's involved, but the game was to get the carrot and I've got the carrot.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE - Seanwhat were you thinking out there? - I just thought Jon he's a bit thick.
LAUGHTER He just believes anything you tell him, so I just thought I'd tell him there was a carrot in the box and he believed it.
Once again, Sean Lock, Carrot In A Box reigning champion of the world! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Might I suggest, ladies and gentlemen, if you have boxes left over from Christmas and perhaps a carrot, have at it yourselves.
I mean, a carrot, a box and an uncle is a treacherous piece of shit.
LAUGHTER Let's check into the Plaza and have another nap.
LAUGHTER That's right, Joe, you put a carrot in his box.
LAUGHTER At the end of that round, Jon's team are in the lead! APPLAUSE That's it for part three.
See you after the break.
This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here is your first one.
BUZZER Carrot in a box.
LAUGHTER What do you think's the worst thing about Christmas parties, Sean? What really annoys me is people who know they've had enough.
People who go, "Oh, I think that's enough for me, I'm going home.
" I want someone else to tell me when I've had enough.
LAUGHTER I want it shouted at me by security, landlords, or my friends.
Just say, "Look! Just stop, you've had enough!" You know, you shouldn't know that.
LAUGHTER Asking people "What are you doing for Christmas".
No-one's got a good answer.
Like, "What are you up to for Christmas?" And it's just, "My mum's, you know" Everyone's got the same answer.
- What are you? - I'm going to my mum's.
LAUGHTER I've taped the election, I want to check into a hotel with a mate.
LAUGHTER OK, worst thing about Christmas parties.
It's to do with the company you keep.
- Spending time with people you don't like.
- That's it, that's exactly it.
APPLAUSE An office Christmas party is a great way to mingle with your boss in an informal setting, and show them that actually underneath your buttoned-up exterior, you can be the sort of person who can vomit sambuca on their shoes.
One more.
- What do you think? - Shaving the turkey.
SHAVING the turkey? LAUGHTER I thought turkeys were male chickens.
LAUGHTER I was filming Man Down, and there was a turkey came toward us, and they were, like, "Susan!" I was like, "What?! Why are you calling him Susan?" You thought turkeys were male chickens? And I couldn't understand why people went, "I don't like the taste of turkey.
" I'd think, "What are you on about? It's just chicken!" Bread sauce I've always found a fascinating one.
Bread sauce, which is basically chewed-up bread spat out.
LAUGHTER Like someone's chewed up some breadand spat it out.
And it's delicious.
It's weird.
And then I've come up with this brilliant idea.
You spit it into a sandwich, into some bread, then you eat that.
Then you spit that You've got this never-ending meal.
LAUGHTER I like the John Lewis ads, I look forward to them.
This year, a bit confusing.
I don't know what's festive about a paedophile on the moon.
LAUGHTER No, I like the Iceland ads at Christmas.
LAUGHTER No-one likes the Iceland ads.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Peter, are there any Australian Christmas traditions? The Australian traditions are different because you drink cold drinks, and you have cold turkey.
I actually get cold turkey when I don't drink.
- Well, this is the - LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Jon, what traditions do you love at Christmas? Spending the day with people who don't take the piss out of me constantly.
LAUGHTER ROISIN: That doesn't happen! LAUGHTER I can't help but feel your wife is watching this at home, going, "Ooh, we might have a game of carrot in a box!" LAUGHTER Never lost a game of carrot in a box.
LAUGHTER Undefeated champion.
He's never won one.
Jon's never won a game.
- You've never won a game of carrot in a box? - Not one game.
Doesn't know what you're feeling now, Sean.
- Oh, it's incredible! - LAUGHTER JON: Still got a carrot, haven't I? TAKES A DRAG ON HIS CARRO LAUGHTER You didn't win that, you stole it.
OK, so most enjoyable Christmas tradition.
I always look forward to Christmas Eve, and that brilliant time you have, you've got a lot of the preparation, the tree and everything, a lot of cooking, and you just get together all excitedly, and you get all the, ermtuna tins from the year - know what I mean, you put out your tuna tins.
- LAUGHTER - You go like that Like, throughout the year, every time you have tuna, you wash it out, put it in the tuna tin box, then you leave it outside for "bring out the old tuna tins, bring in the new tuna tins.
" LAUGHTER "Tune out the old, tune in the new" Know that tradition? And that's a lovely thing that a whole family does together.
And, um you remember all the different times you ate tuna.
And - ROISIN: Sounds nice.
- Yes, we do that.
That's a nice one.
Receiving Christmas cards.
Cos it's nice to know who's died, isn't it? LAUGHTER Do you get the ones with the letter? - Do you ever get any of those from family members? - Oh, my God! Yeah.
With, like, a little newsletter about how their lives are going brilliantly.
Have you not considered doing one? I imagine you would write a great newsletter.
Yes, I suppose - but I've got a life, so I choose not to.
LAUGHTER What a shame, you'd have so much to write about.
- Yes, I would have a lot to write about, wouldn't I? - Mm.
But I'll just tell you in bed, anyway.
Weirdly we've sort of bullied Jon and he's also been groomed today, so Is it, um? Top tradition on Christmas Day - is it lunch? - Yeah.
- Christmas lunch.
Christmas dinner is the Christmas tradition people like the most.
APPLAUSE Most British people have turkey on Christmas Day for two reasons - one, it's traditional, and two, it's the only day Domino's won't deliver.
For my girlfriend, going out with me, it's like Christmas every day.
In that she has to drink heavily just to get through it.
BEEPING It's the end of the round and the end of the show, and I can tell you Jon, Roisin and Joe - well, they're the winners! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
Don't forget to watch the 8 Out Of 10 Cats End Of Year Special on December 29th.
That's it from us - goodnight, and Merry Christmas!