8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s18e99 Episode Script
End of Year Special
1 CHEERS AND APPLAUSE 'Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats End Of Year Special, 'the Wizard of Oz - it's Richard Osman, 'having a peep, it's Isy Suttie, 'and their team captain, Jon Richardson.
'And facing them tonight, the smile high club - it's Joey Essex, 'he's hired - it's Romesh Ranganathan, 'and their team captain, Sean Lock.
'Now, welcome your host, 'Jimmy Carr!' CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats End Of Year Special, a show all about opinion polls, surveys and 2015.
Did you know, for example, research has found people in London spend an average of £150 on a New Year's Eve night out.
That's 50 quid on getting smashed in Wetherspoons and then £100 cleaning charge for vomiting in that taxi.
Last year, 8% of people who got dumped took revenge on their ex.
I got revenge on my ex by putting some embarrassing nude photos on the internet.
There was one of me in the bath, one of me sunbathing naked, and one of me on all fours in front of the fire.
That'll show her! And a poll this year found women prefer men who don't dye their hair.
Of course, I don't dye my hair - my hair's always naturally been E247 Midnight Cappuccino.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
We're looking back at all things 2015, so tonight, it's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most talked about people of the year.
Sean's team, who do you think people have been talking about this year? Erm The woman who won the Bake Off.
- Nadiya.
- Nadiya, yeah.
She won - Nadiya Bake Off.
She won the Bake Off.
I believe it was the highest rated thing - - 14 million people watched Bake Off.
- Yeah.
- Did you watch it? - No.
What I did instead was I watched my oven.
And I found I had a similar experience.
But no, I didn't watch it.
I didn't watch a minute of it.
- I didn't watch it either.
- You didn't watch it? - Nope.
It's pointless.
I can't cook.
You don't have to be able to cook to watch it.
You can just enjoy it.
- You can just watch it - I wouldn't know what it's about.
Because it's called Bake Off, I'd suspect it's for cooking.
- It is cookery.
- It's baking, yeah.
But you don't have to It's like when you watch the Olympics, you don't have to train for the athletics.
There's another show coming out next year involved around making a cup of tea.
People just sit round, for 13 weeks, making tea to ever-higher increasing standards.
The judges would be Dot Cotton.
She'd be the judge.
- You say that - That's a very refreshing cuppa.
There's a sewing show, so, I mean, they're getting there.
There's a sewing show, there's a pottery show.
It's like we're all regressing.
They think the apocalypse is coming or whatever and we're going to have to learn how to make our own shit.
The pottery one, I don't know why they've got a time limit on that.
Who is making a pot to a deadline? At the end of that pottery show, why did they not say - you're fired? Rich, do you watch Bake Off? Are you a big fan? Yeah, I'm going to stick up I absolutely love Bake Off.
I can't think of anyone who doesn't love Bake Off.
- Joey - I just don't get it.
- He's right there.
- If Joey saw it Just cos you haven't seen it.
If you saw it, you'd love it.
I like The Jump, the Jungle Things I like cool things.
Hold on a minute, you don't watch the Bake Off cos you can't cook but you'll happily watch The Jump?! - What secret skills? - Well, I won the Jungle, didn't I? - You did.
That is egg on my face.
Isy, do you bake at all? I'm very creative with baking, so I don't even need to watch Bake Off cos I'm, like, ahead of them.
Once, for my ex for Christmas, I made his face out of the ingredients of a roast.
Sorry The "ex" really is the clue there, isn't it, to how well that went? - I made like mashed potato as the face and - Was he a snowman? - He was just very pale.
- Did he have a carrot for a nose? No, he was ill, you see? He had a cold, so he was very pale and I even did mustard coming out of his nose for snot.
It was incredibly detailed.
OK, I tell you what, time for a bonus round.
8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Bake Off.
Sean and Jon, you've created some cakes.
Go and stand by your cakes.
APPLAUSE Oh, yes.
OK, so, Sean, do you want to talk me through your creation? What have you cooked for us? Well, erm So first thing - It's a festive scene.
It's a - LAUGHTER It's a petrol station on a snowy Christmas morning.
- It's beautiful.
- You can see all the icicles hanging down there.
And you can see there's a fella here.
He's booting in the door cos it's 9:30 on Christmas morning and he's run out of fags.
He's got a long day ahead.
Here's a lorry It was returning to Eastern Europe but missed the ferry.
The driver's inside.
You can't really see what he's doing, but I don't think it's very Christmassy.
And round the back, here Oh, it's the driver.
And he's very He's down there by the grit bins and he's very considerately doing it round the back.
- Can I taste a bit of cake? - Please do.
- If you turn it Hang on, turn it round again, I'm going to taste a bit of truck.
- You've been warned, have you? - It's mainly I thought a load of refugees would come out.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Hm.
That's um That's terrible! Really horrible.
Jon, your cake? Well, I've always wanted to try hash cakes.
- You know, with the doob inside them.
- With the what now? They put doob inside cakes Makes you go all Mashed up.
- Don't do drugs.
You'll lose all your friends.
- Um - Look.
I've never done drugs and I don't think now is the time.
- Really.
- Did you just eat the cake? - What else am I supposed to do? Just stand here? - I don't like standing.
I like sitting down.
- No, shotgun a cake.
- In one.
- I'm just going to eat the top.
That's a disgusting waste.
OK, Jon.
Show us your cake.
This is like a prescription version of hash cakes.
So this is a Lemsip drizzle cake.
I love it! You can get a high, but it's all natural and legal.
So this is The jam inside is made from the inside of Lockets So you crack the Lockets open and make the jam and there's a Lemsip topping.
And here is I made this Imodium icing.
- I might need that after Sean's cake.
- Yeah.
It won't come out.
- Um - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's decorated with Strepsils and multivitamins, which will help with a January cold.
- That is genuinely delicious.
- Good.
Points to Jon.
He's the winner.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH Good that.
Fun.
Can we save me a slice of Jon's cake? It's got so much sugar in it, I feel slightly giddy and high.
They've actually got a limited edition Lemsip now.
- A limited edition Lemsip? - Yeah, and it's more money.
It's like £2 extra.
It's honey and lemon and it's like gold.
The actual case.
The case it comes in is gold.
I've got it at home.
Do they sell different things in Essex cos people are idiots? - They must do.
They must do, yeah.
- It's gold.
- It's gold.
- It's golden! Gold, I tell you! Gold! OK, I can tell you, Nadiya's not up there.
The Bake Off final drew 14 million viewers, which begs the question - how are they going to top that? I'm guessing with a mouldable fondant on buttercream.
Jon's team, who do you think the nation have been talking about this year? The Queen is always popular, isn't she? The longest reigning monarch as well this year.
- Yeah.
- Huge year for the Queen.
She's been on the throne for 63 years, seven months and counting.
When does it get weird? Like, when do they go The Queen's 164 now.
There's something weird going on.
And why do we have to thank her when we paid for it? Not all of us.
We thank her cos they're kind of like our version of the Kardashians, aren't they? But slightly classier.
The Queen's arse has never broken the internet.
Prince Philip is like Kanye.
I just think I'd rather have Quilip than Kimye.
I think it's a shame they didn't have They had one of those parties when she had her Jubilee.
They didn't this year.
And I liked that one cos you played at it, Rolf Harris played at it, and if you told me two years later that one of you was going to be in prison and it wasn't going to be you, I would have been very surprised.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Hell of a night out.
When she does How can I word this sensitively? When she stops being the Queen When she goes to live on the big queen farm.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
Do we have to change all the money? Do you have to send your money back or do you think they're already Do you remember those indyglo T-shirts where when it got hot Do you reckon if you rub a tenner, it just turns to Charles? Cos otherwise, you'd have to mail all your money back in, - wouldn't you, and get his face on it? - Mail all your money in? You sound phenomenally gullible right now.
But she's never going to abdicate, the Queen, is she? Cos she doesn't really think she's old, does she? She's got no concept of being old.
For most people, signs of ageing are someone brushes your teeth or wipes your arse and people have been doing that for her since the 1950s.
She's got no idea that she's old.
She just thinks that she's perfectly normal.
I like the idea that at their family Christmas, when they pull the crackers, and Charles gets his hat out and goes to put it in and she goes, ah-ah-ah LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Being in the spotlight for decades can take its toll on your patience.
Take a look at this.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's the fact he still sounds so posh.
I used to work at a lot of call centres and this guy rang up once, he was so annoyed with the company, he was like, "I hope your whole building burns to the ground! "Good day!" Romesh, have you met anyone from the royal family? - I met Prince Harry recently, actually.
- And did you guys get on? Well, I sort of made a joke Cos I was doing a gig, I made a joke about the fact my wife has got a crush on him.
She thinks he's quite hot.
She's not fussy about looks, is she, your missus? To be fair, mate, she's not a massive catch, herself.
So LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That is not true.
Anyway, I'd made this comment about the fact that my wife had a crush on him and then he came up to me afterwards, he was doing like a meet and greet afterwards, and he said, "Really nice to meet you, Romesh, but after what you said, "I'd quite like to meet your wife.
" - Did he? Yeah? - Yeah.
He wants to smash the shit out of it.
OK, time now for a game of Through The Queen's Keyhole.
I imagine, one of Prince Philip's favourite games.
Here's the Queen in her sitting room with the Prime Minister of New Zealand.
Fingers on buzzers.
Can you tell me what items we have blurred out of that photo? - BUZZER - That's not the Prime Minister of New Zealand.
That's Dick Advocaat, the former Sunderland manager.
What do you think we've blurred out of the photo? Is it a tin of dog food with like a fork sticking out of it? - She is an old lady.
- It's for the dogs? Oh, yeah.
That would have made more sense.
Her dogs I thought - she's probably spent all the money on heating.
This will have to do.
- Is it a weapon? - Is it a weapon?! You would just think she'd have some sort of military weapons near her at all times.
Cos there's no guards in the room, is there? So - She needs to tool up.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH You can take the boy out of Essex, but It'll be like the Sky TV remote and a can of Stella.
- That is the right answer.
It's the Sky TV remote.
- Really? And it was a leather-bound copy of the Radio Times.
- She is a proper Nana.
- Wow.
- Wow.
Let's have another look Through The Queen's Keyhole.
See what we can find.
Have a look at this.
What is Prince Charles holding there? Is he wearing his Boob Inspector T-shirt? He'll have just been on like a Labrador hunt and he'll have shot a Labrador.
He's coming back with his haul.
Ha! Got one! Bastards! - Is it a dead Labrador, Jimmy? - Not a million miles away.
He's got a massive squirrel.
Oh, he has.
It was given to him by the Scottish Wildlife Trust, a massive toy squirrel.
Makes you think, where does Prince Charles bury his nuts? Let's have another look Through The Queen's Keyhole.
So, what is Prince Philip looking at there? His eyes are so bad, that's actually what he sees.
Is it Dummy's Guide To Race Relations? Is it a Nando's Is it the Nando's like grouse menu? Pheasants A pheasant burger It's not that, is it, Jimmy? - I can tell by the way you're looking at me.
- It is not.
It's Let's have a look.
He is in fact looking at a picture of the Queen.
- Aw! - That is his copy of Reader's Wives.
- The Queen irons money - She irons money? - She irons notes.
So she irons her own face.
I don't know whether the Queen carries readies.
- I don't think she ever goes - I read - How much is it? There you go.
If you need proof That's on it.
I'd love it if there was a scene where Prince Philip was just in a thong, dancing, she's just making it rain.
Yes, Philip! Yes! APPLAUSE OK, let's see if the Queen is up there.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Yes, it's the Queen becoming the UK's longest serving monarch.
A lot of people think the succession should skip a generation, bypass Prince Charles, and make Prince William the next receding hair to the throne.
Sean's team, who were the other most talked about people this year? Jeremy Corbyn, the new leader of the Labour Party? What do you make of him? He doesn't look like a world leader.
To start off.
Does he? He looks like he works in a camera shop.
As soon as he became leader, the main sort of story was the fact that he didn't sing the national anthem at St Paul's when there was a memorial service for the Battle of Britain.
- Yeah.
- There was quite a lot of fuss about that.
It's almost, I think, a little bit too much fuss about it.
I can understand if he'd gone into St Paul's with a fez on, doing that You know? The Labour leader showing a marked lack of respect for the Maybe he just hasn't got a great singing voice.
Maybe it's very high pitched.
- What do you think of him, Rich? - Well, I feel a bit sorry for him.
I think he didn't really want to be leader, so I think it's difficult.
He reminds me a little bit of Olly Murs on X Factor this series.
I sort of know why he's there, he doesn't really want to be, he's not quite up to it.
I feel a little bit sorry for him.
I think he's a principled man and I think he stands up for what he believes in and sometimes you've just got to say, "I didn't sing the national anthem because I don't want to sing the national anthem.
" - It's a shit song.
It's a terrible song.
- Yeah.
It's a stupid song.
For example, what you're saying is God Save Our Queen, you're saying someone most of us don't believe in can save someone who gets the best medical care money can buy.
She has her own surgeon.
Just wanders round behind her with a gown on and a mask, just waiting.
If something needs doing.
She's fine.
God Save The Queen, forget about that.
God save the rest of us The national anthem of this country should be Uptown Girl by Billy Joel.
I firmly believe that.
The only time a national anthem has any use is before an international football match and say we're playing Germany and you put on Uptown Girl, all the German fans will join in and it will be like the whole stadium supporting us.
Living in an uptown world And all the Geordies could join in and the Scousers could join in on the Why-aye-aye - It would be a great national anthem.
- A lovely idea.
APPLAUSE Joey, the thing that Jeremy Corbyn's done brilliantly is make Ed Miliband look good in retrospect.
You met Ed Miliband, didn't you? - I did, yeah.
- How did you get on? Yeah, he was all right.
He was quite a nice guy.
I think I get on with him well.
I mean, I ain't got his number, but he's a cool guy, man.
Who else did you meet? You met Nick Clegg, Ed Miliband - Nick Clegg, Ed Miliband and - Did you meet Nigel Farage? That was it, Nigel Farage.
- Did you like him? - Yeah, he was all right.
I was meant to go to a bar with him, but I swerved the bar and went fish and chips instead.
- That was it, yeah.
- Weird how every single one of them - has lost their job after talking to you.
- Yeah.
Everyone has.
Yeah.
Hmm.
I really like Corbyn.
He looks like he'd always have an emergency Twix in his pocket.
I really like that.
You do as well, Jon, actually.
I don't have any pockets, so god knows where I've put it.
- You've got one in your glove compartment.
- I Well, yeah.
- Well - Jon keeps his gloves in the glove compartment and that's it.
Well, my gloves don't fit in my glove compartment because they're in a box.
So they're in a pouch behind the driver's seat and I don't keep chocolate in the car cos the glove box gets hot and I do have a box of cereal bars in the boot in a shoe box.
What was in the glove box? - Glove box is the log book for the car - Oh, God My emergency escape hammer and Ladies and gentlemen, the new Labour leader.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Shall we have a look and see if Jeremy Corbyn is up there? The most talked about person this year.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's the new Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn.
Jeremy Corbyn is a vegetarian and teetotal, so there's more to him than just left wing politics.
He can also be a sanctimonious prick about what you eat and drink.
He's like politics' answer to Jon Richardson.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'll drink.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're guessing the most talked-about people of the year.
Jon's team, who have the nation been talking about this year? Can we go for someone who's not a person? Because people, I think, have been talking about Cecil the lion.
The late Cecil the lion.
Tell us what happened with Cecil the lion.
Well, he was shot by a very brave dentist, Walter Palmer.
Because you can go to Africa, you can pay and go and shoot a lion.
- It happens all the time.
- Jimmy I'm sure Jimmy's done it.
Don't spoil Secret Santa.
Why would I go to Africa to do that? I live next to London Zoo.
I think it's good that he shot the lion.
Excellent.
OK.
All this Twitter and moaning about "Oh, the lion got shot," and how terrible it is, nobody managed to hear all the zebras clapping their hooves together.
"Well done, mate.
"Nobody listens to us, do they? "Finally, you've put that crazed serial killer out of action.
" I do think it's like Sean said.
It is symptomatic of the fact that people just Cecil the lion got shot, it's sad, and they put up this photo and go, "Share if you dislike it.
" People Like, why is Cecil better than any other animal? People eat shitloads of chicken, like cows and all this stuff.
You don't have a memorial for every one of those that gets put into a burger or whatever.
I think you should have little Facebook pictures, a packet of chicken nuggets, just arrows pointing towards it.
"This is Dave.
This is Henrietta.
"This is Clucky.
Share if you disagree.
" Do you know what I mean? I reckon if a dentist shot me If a dentist shot me, there wouldn't be an outcry.
If my head was on a dental reception area I don't think there's any way your teeth would be on display in a dentist's.
Before and after.
I think, with Cecil, that it's his name.
Like, Cecil is such a cute name.
Like, if he'd been called, like, Osama bin Lion-den or Fred West the lion.
- Fred West the lion? - Yeah.
I think it's not right.
It's liberty, man.
What you're forgetting is that in the wild, lions get their throats ripped out, usually, like, by a nephew - just turns on them.
It's not like they would have slowly died in an old people's home, flicking through the Radio Times going, "Nothing on today.
" There's so few left, which is why it's probably best we preserve the ones we've got and don't let dentists on their holidays go and shoot a bullet into one.
APPLAUSE Corbyn! Corbyn! Corbyn! Let's have a look and see if Cecil's up there.
Yes, it's the American dentist shooting Cecil the lion, or Cecil the rug, as he's now known.
Fingers on buzzers.
Two more things to get.
Who else is the most talked-about person this year? - Donald Trump.
- Donald Trump.
Tell me more.
What do you think? He's a frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination.
- Yeah.
- And he's got some quite spicy views.
He's like a sort of Farage on steroids, isn't he? Quite full-on opinions on a lot of things.
He's recently said that he's just going to ban Muslims from America.
Just going to ban them.
I mean, you know, it's nuts.
And I suppose he's only, like, a whisker away from suggesting the reintroduction of slavery.
That's about a week down the line.
But the worse things he says, the more popular he gets.
Well, should we play a little game of Trumped or trumped up? So I've got some genuine Donald Trump phrases.
Some incredible things that he's said over the years.
All you have to do is tell me whether it's Trump or trumped up.
OK? Jon, you've got to pick someone on your team to be Donald Trump.
- Who's going to be Donald Trump? - You're the most right wing.
I'll do it.
I'll probably agree with most of these statements.
Go over to the podium there.
Jon is going to give us three incredible quotes.
You've got to tell me is it Trump or trumped up.
IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Can't even get down the goddamn stairs.
Just before we do this, could you tell me, are Buck's Fizz planning to tour at all or I don't know, Jimmy.
We're having trouble making our mind up.
APPLAUSE OK, so you've got three quotes here.
So the first one, please.
IN AMERICAN ACCENT: My fingers are long and beautiful, as - it has been well-documented - are various other parts of my body.
OK.
A couple of things.
Firstly, he's not from Texas.
OK, so is that Trump or trumped up? - What do you think, Isy? - Oh, God.
Everything's going to sound like Trump because he's a loon.
Yeah, that's true.
I think it's probably Trump.
You're saying Trump.
I can tell you you're absolutely right.
Donald Trump said that.
Mr Trump, slightly more of a New York accent, if you will, this time.
IN GEORDIE ACCENT: I've already said, man That's Newcastle.
God.
New York.
IN NEW YORK ACCENT: I've already said, if she wasn't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her.
- Is that Trump or trumped up? - I feel like that's a bit far, even for him.
- Do you? - No, I believe that is Trump.
- Are you saying Trump? - Trump.
I can tell you you're absolutely right.
That was Donald Trump.
What a guy! He said of his daughter, "If she wasn't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her.
" Oh, thanks, Dad.
Last one, Jon.
I'm a Swiss army knife of skills, business skills and enthusiasm.
Point of order, I'll have that again in a full American accent.
IN AMERICAN ACCENT: I'm a Swiss army knife of skills, business skills and goddamn, rootin', tootin', shit-on-my-titties enthusiasm.
I've got everything highly tuned and highly chiselled.
God damn, that's right.
That was quite wonderful.
Is that Trump or trumped up? I don't think it was.
I think that's Mary Berry.
What do you think? Yeah, I think we should say trumped up.
Yeah.
You're going to say trumped up.
I can tell you that was trumped up.
That was, in fact, Richard from this year's Apprentice.
OK, Jon, you come back.
Sean, who are you going to nominate from your team to be Donald Trump? Romesh is going to do it for us.
You've got three quotes.
Sean, Joey, you've got to tell me is it Trump or trumped up.
IN AMERICAN ACCENT: You know, it really doesn't matter what the media write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass.
I should point out that Donald Trump is not and has never been a pimp.
I'd say trumped up.
No, it's a bit too far even for him.
Trumped.
Trumped.
That was the next President of the United States Donald Trump.
That's right.
OK.
Next one.
If I don't have a woman for three days, I get terrible headaches, I tell you.
I don't believe that.
It can't be.
Trumped up.
Trumped.
You're saying trumped up? Mate, I don't even know who Donald Trump is, mate.
He sounds like a proper weirdo to me, mate.
I can tell you, you're right.
That was in fact JFK.
Romesh, last one.
It's freezing and snowing in New York.
We need global warming on this bitch! A little trip down to New Orleans there, I see.
We went down to the Bayou there, did we? A little bit of preaching.
OK.
What do you think? Trump or trumped up? I think it's probably definitely Trump.
Well, you are absolutely right.
That was Donald Trump.
Let's see if Donald Trump is one of the most talked-about people this year.
Yes, it's Donald Trump.
Donald Trump is shaking things up in American politics and the things he's shaking up are mainly cans of hairspray.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
Sean.
- James Bond.
- James Bond, huge story this year.
Yeah, James Bond, it's a new film out.
What's it called? Spectre.
- Spectre.
You'd make a very good Bond, Joey Essex.
- Me, yeah? - You'd make a very good Bond.
- Good Milk Tray Man.
- Not me, then? - I think we're ready for a Bond from Essex.
- I think so.
- Do you reckon it would suit me? - Joey's not from Essex.
The only person on this panel who's from Essex is me.
- You weren't born there.
- I'm from Bermondsey.
- Yeah, there you go.
- Exclusive.
They edited you out of The Only Way Is Essex, didn't they? Largely, yeah.
- Who are you getting with? - Who was I getting with? - Yeah.
Is there one called Sally? I don't remember a Sally.
Was she a sort? - Yeah, oh, she was a sort.
- That's all right, then.
Well, if she was a right sort You're all right.
You can say you're a right weapon, that means a sort.
- You're a - You're a proper weapon.
- You're a proper weapon.
Listen, mate, you can talk like that but I can't say that shit.
Particularly in airports.
I've got six weapons here with me.
Enjoy the rectal search, mate.
What did you think of the Bond movie? Shit, mate.
This debate about whether we should have a black Bond or whatever, the issue is to have, like, a Bond that just looks regular.
I'm done with these, like, fit, super-athletic What's more undercover than looking like you couldn't handle yourself in a fight? Just some guy that looks like dog shit, just wheezing his way through.
Jon, are you available? I'd like to see a Bond film where he dies, right, where he gets killed, but not in like By a laser or they've tied him to something and the sharks eat him.
He gets hit by an ice cream van and goes to hospital and then he gets MRSA and he just dies in a really sort of unspectacular, depressing, but also socially relevant way.
In those films, he's slept with over 50 women now.
I think his enemy in the next film is going to be chlamydia.
OK, let's see if James Bond is up there.
At the end of that round, Jon's team are in the lead.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round features some of the smaller stories from the year.
Jon, pick a story.
What do you like the look of? I suppose, given all this paraphernalia, it would be odd not to pick a dog.
- Let's pick the dog.
- All right.
You've chosen the dog.
There was controversy in June when Matisse, the canine winner of Britain's Got Talent was secretly assisted by a stunt dog double.
You're a dog lover, Jon, what did you make of this story? I am a big fan of dogs as you know, but I am a bigger fan of rules LAUGHTER Yeah, rules are fun, aren't they? You can just about have society without dogs but you can't have society without rules so the dog should have been incinerated OK.
We've got a challenge for you.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sarah and Mack.
Hello, Sarah and Mack.
OK, Mack and Sarah.
We will demo what they have to be doing.
On your marks.
Get set, go.
OK, go through.
- Hang on.
- Weave, weave.
- Jesus.
Weave! Weave, weave.
Good boy.
APPLAUSE Sarah and Mack, thank you very much.
Jon, what do you want to do? - Want to take that dog to a caravan somewhere, erm - Whoa! Whoa.
Ohhhh! We were having such a nice time.
Jon, who's going to do this? I'll be honest, I really want to do it.
Get up there.
Could we bring in Jon's dog, please? This is Suki.
We're giving Jon treats.
So you know what you've got to do? You are on the clock.
On your marks, get set, go! Go, Jon.
- This way - Oh, huge! - Through the tunnel.
- Suki! - Through the tunnel.
Through the tunnel, Jon.
Oh! LAUGHTER You've got to go through.
Go through the tunnel.
AUDIENCE: Yay! Weave, Jon.
Weave! Come on, you can do this.
Weave, weave.
Weave.
Yeah.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS No, audience, do not steal that dog.
Jon, get it back.
Get it back here, this is all on your time.
OK, weave.
Give it a kiss on the top of the head, that always helps.
Take it to a caravan and seduce it, Jon.
Yes! APPLAUSE That is one of the cutest half-dog half-bat type things I've ever seen.
- This is mine now, yeah? - You've won the dog.
Sean, who from your team is going to compete? I think Joey's got all the attributes to complete this course.
I think I'd do well with this.
I'm not academically clever but things like this I am.
- Right.
Does Joey's dog know the way around? - Yes.
I don't think Joey's going to be able to remember all that.
OK, Joey, take your position.
- OK, let's meet your doggy partner.
This is Blossom.
- So I meet the dog? - Yes, you meet the dog.
- It's like a fox.
- When do I start? - OK, on your marks On your marks, get set, go.
Blossom, Blossom, 'ere.
Right, through the thing.
OK.
Look, no, no, no! Weave, you've got to weave.
- Weave, weave.
- Wow, wow! APPLAUSE Brilliant.
LAUGHTER I think Oh, there you go.
OK.
Oh LAUGHTER Hang on, he's really committed to finishing this.
Hang on.
Oh! APPLAUSE Wow.
For his commitment, I think the winner there is Joey Essex.
APPLAUSE That is a hard sport.
I'm telling you, I'm proper worn out.
I sort of made the dog do it so OK.
Sean, your turn.
Pick a picture.
Erm The dog wants to stay with me, Jimmy.
That's how you make a dog.
SEAN: That is very worrying, that suggests some kind of dog fellatio.
- "Fellashio"? - Fellatio.
I was fellashing a dog, what?! Fellatio! I don't know.
Fellashio.
# I say fellatio, you say fellashio, fellatio, fellashio, fellatio, - # fellashio - Let's suck the whole thing off.
# LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's like a barbershop quartet.
OK, Sean, your turn to choose a picture.
I'll have a man with the beard, please.
That's Rob, he went viral this year and he is here tonight along with some other people who also went viral in 2015.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Rob, Joseph, Abby and Mike.
Here they are.
Your task is to work out who went viral for what.
It's multiple choice.
These are the stories - you have to match them to the people.
Story number one, one of these people went viral when they started an Ed Miliband fan movement called Milifandom on social media.
Story number two - this person's picture went viral when they boarded a flight only to find they were sitting next to their doppelganger.
Story number three, this person went viral after officially naming their baby Bermondsey Millwall Den, without telling their partner.
Story four, this person went viral after being given a video camera to take on holiday to Las Vegas.
They filmed the entire holiday but didn't realise they had the camera on selfie mode.
So, Sean's team, you are looking for the doppelganger and the inventor of Milifandom.
- It's the girl.
- It's got to be Abby.
- Why do you think it might be Abby? She wears glasses, she looks clever.
Think about it, Joey, Sean's got glasses and Eh - You're clever.
- Thank you.
Know what, Joey? That means a lot.
OK, who do you think sat on a plane next to their doppelganger? - Is that the double of someone? - Yes, it is.
- Jesus Christ! Get a pair of glasses.
CHEERING I think it is the dude with the beard.
Yeah, the other two look really boring.
- You wouldn't even notice if you're sat next to somebody who looked exactly like them.
- No.
Exactly.
So you've got paddles there, give the paddles to the people you think relate to the story.
You've got Miliband and you've got doppelganger.
- OK, so - Do you put anything in there? - No.
- Are you serious? It is so soft, man.
No.
LAUGHTER Smells incredible, dude.
Maybe take it to a caravan.
APPLAUSE Here you are, Milifandom.
Jon, you are looking for the person who named their baby Bermondsey Millwall Den without telling their partner.
You're also looking for the Las Vegas holiday-maker who filmed the whole trip in selfie mode.
An incredible piece of film.
The most incredible bit of that footage is not the selfie mode, but the moment he tries to take a selfie and for the first time on his holiday takes a picture of something.
- Put your hands up if you like - Seriously, Rich takes quizzes.
I just want to find the guy who most looks like he loves Leeds United Football Club.
Really wants them to do well.
Just wishes them all the best and loves their fans.
- That way? - Yeah.
- I think the other way.
- Have you seen the video though? - No.
- So It's not out of disrespect but I'm not going to follow you.
Right, time to reveal the answers.
So, Joe, you are the guy that went to Las Vegas.
Was that you? Correct.
- It was me.
- OK.
APPLAUSE OK.
Let's treat ourselves to a little look at your holiday video.
Let's take a look.
I don't know what direction the Grand Canyon is.
I'm not sure.
I think it'sthat way.
That's the view looking down.
Wooooo! That's the Trump Towers, same colour as his hair.
Now, that view is looking north.
I'm here at a junction of several roads APPLAUSE Seems like a stupid thing to do, are you related to Joey in any way or? - Is that a coincidence? - Long time no see.
Have I met you before? LAUGHTER Jon's team.
You thought Mike named his child Bermondsey Millwall Den, is that what happened, Mike? Yes.
And I do hate Leeds.
- OK, Abby, did you set up the hashtag Milifandom? - Yes, I did.
APPLAUSE Everyone is getting these right.
Last one, Rob, you met your doppelganger? - Correct.
- Shall we have a look at the photo you took? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And we have that stranger here this evening, bring him in.
LAUGHTER It is actually very similar.
It's a nice Go for it.
Thanks.
There was a minute when you stood up when I thought you might genuinely think all three of you might LAUGHTER Thanks very much to Rob, Abby, Mike and Joseph! APPLAUSE At the end of all that, Jon's team are in the lead.
That's it for part three.
See you after the break.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats End Of Year Special.
Sean, Joey, Romesh, your turn to choose a picture.
I'll go for the one with the black hair.
- Who I think is in One Direction.
- Yes, he is.
That's Zayn.
He was in One Direction.
He left One Direction earlier this year.
SNIFFS LAUGHTER Sean, were you upset when he left? I Still can't talk about it, Jimmy.
Just move on! Obviously, there's space in the band now and it needs to be filled.
So this is the One Direction Karaoke Challenge.
Sean, who from your team is going to audition as Zayn's replacement? - Would you like to do it, Romesh? - I'm up for doing it.
- OK.
Well, take your place in the middle and to help you, here is the cast of the One Direction Story.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Jump in there.
Those are some men that are vaguely the same shapes as the One Direction boys.
OK.
So, Romesh, you've got to sing the One Direction classic, Story Of My Life.
Yeah, sure.
No problem.
- OK, take it away.
- I'm going to smash the shit out of this, Hazza.
# She told me in the morning she don't feel the same about us # In her bones # It seems to me that when I die # These words will be written on our stone # And I'll be gone, gone tonight # The ground beneath my feet is open wide # The way that I've been holding on too tight # With nothing in between # The story of my life # I give her hope # I spend her love # Until she's broke inside The story of my life.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Romesh, I've got to say, I loved your commitment to that - and I also liked the fact you look actively winded now.
- It's hard, man.
I didn't realise you were shit at so many different things.
You can do the lot! OK, Jon, who from your team is going to take up the One Direction Karaoke Challenge? - Who wants to do it? - I'll do it.
I'm going to smash it in the dick.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Right in the dick? Take it away, boys.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Isy, your turn to sing.
You're singing the beautiful What Makes You Beautiful.
OK, take it away.
# Everyone else in the room can see it # Everyone else but you One, two, three! # Baby, you light up my world like nobody else # The way you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed # But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell # You don't know, oh, oh # You're beautiful # If only you saw what I can see # You'll understand why I want you so desperately # Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe # You don't know, oh, oh That's what makes you beautiful.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Jon, how would you review that performance? I think it's been obvious for a long time that One Direction have been missing a kung fu element.
I think clearly the winner, Isy Suttie, everyone.
Come on.
Give it up.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE The cast of the One Direction Story there.
APPLAUSE BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means I can tell you tonight's winners are Jon, Isy and Richard.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE
'And facing them tonight, the smile high club - it's Joey Essex, 'he's hired - it's Romesh Ranganathan, 'and their team captain, Sean Lock.
'Now, welcome your host, 'Jimmy Carr!' CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to the 8 Out Of 10 Cats End Of Year Special, a show all about opinion polls, surveys and 2015.
Did you know, for example, research has found people in London spend an average of £150 on a New Year's Eve night out.
That's 50 quid on getting smashed in Wetherspoons and then £100 cleaning charge for vomiting in that taxi.
Last year, 8% of people who got dumped took revenge on their ex.
I got revenge on my ex by putting some embarrassing nude photos on the internet.
There was one of me in the bath, one of me sunbathing naked, and one of me on all fours in front of the fire.
That'll show her! And a poll this year found women prefer men who don't dye their hair.
Of course, I don't dye my hair - my hair's always naturally been E247 Midnight Cappuccino.
Right, let's get started.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
We're looking back at all things 2015, so tonight, it's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top five most talked about people of the year.
Sean's team, who do you think people have been talking about this year? Erm The woman who won the Bake Off.
- Nadiya.
- Nadiya, yeah.
She won - Nadiya Bake Off.
She won the Bake Off.
I believe it was the highest rated thing - - 14 million people watched Bake Off.
- Yeah.
- Did you watch it? - No.
What I did instead was I watched my oven.
And I found I had a similar experience.
But no, I didn't watch it.
I didn't watch a minute of it.
- I didn't watch it either.
- You didn't watch it? - Nope.
It's pointless.
I can't cook.
You don't have to be able to cook to watch it.
You can just enjoy it.
- You can just watch it - I wouldn't know what it's about.
Because it's called Bake Off, I'd suspect it's for cooking.
- It is cookery.
- It's baking, yeah.
But you don't have to It's like when you watch the Olympics, you don't have to train for the athletics.
There's another show coming out next year involved around making a cup of tea.
People just sit round, for 13 weeks, making tea to ever-higher increasing standards.
The judges would be Dot Cotton.
She'd be the judge.
- You say that - That's a very refreshing cuppa.
There's a sewing show, so, I mean, they're getting there.
There's a sewing show, there's a pottery show.
It's like we're all regressing.
They think the apocalypse is coming or whatever and we're going to have to learn how to make our own shit.
The pottery one, I don't know why they've got a time limit on that.
Who is making a pot to a deadline? At the end of that pottery show, why did they not say - you're fired? Rich, do you watch Bake Off? Are you a big fan? Yeah, I'm going to stick up I absolutely love Bake Off.
I can't think of anyone who doesn't love Bake Off.
- Joey - I just don't get it.
- He's right there.
- If Joey saw it Just cos you haven't seen it.
If you saw it, you'd love it.
I like The Jump, the Jungle Things I like cool things.
Hold on a minute, you don't watch the Bake Off cos you can't cook but you'll happily watch The Jump?! - What secret skills? - Well, I won the Jungle, didn't I? - You did.
That is egg on my face.
Isy, do you bake at all? I'm very creative with baking, so I don't even need to watch Bake Off cos I'm, like, ahead of them.
Once, for my ex for Christmas, I made his face out of the ingredients of a roast.
Sorry The "ex" really is the clue there, isn't it, to how well that went? - I made like mashed potato as the face and - Was he a snowman? - He was just very pale.
- Did he have a carrot for a nose? No, he was ill, you see? He had a cold, so he was very pale and I even did mustard coming out of his nose for snot.
It was incredibly detailed.
OK, I tell you what, time for a bonus round.
8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Bake Off.
Sean and Jon, you've created some cakes.
Go and stand by your cakes.
APPLAUSE Oh, yes.
OK, so, Sean, do you want to talk me through your creation? What have you cooked for us? Well, erm So first thing - It's a festive scene.
It's a - LAUGHTER It's a petrol station on a snowy Christmas morning.
- It's beautiful.
- You can see all the icicles hanging down there.
And you can see there's a fella here.
He's booting in the door cos it's 9:30 on Christmas morning and he's run out of fags.
He's got a long day ahead.
Here's a lorry It was returning to Eastern Europe but missed the ferry.
The driver's inside.
You can't really see what he's doing, but I don't think it's very Christmassy.
And round the back, here Oh, it's the driver.
And he's very He's down there by the grit bins and he's very considerately doing it round the back.
- Can I taste a bit of cake? - Please do.
- If you turn it Hang on, turn it round again, I'm going to taste a bit of truck.
- You've been warned, have you? - It's mainly I thought a load of refugees would come out.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Hm.
That's um That's terrible! Really horrible.
Jon, your cake? Well, I've always wanted to try hash cakes.
- You know, with the doob inside them.
- With the what now? They put doob inside cakes Makes you go all Mashed up.
- Don't do drugs.
You'll lose all your friends.
- Um - Look.
I've never done drugs and I don't think now is the time.
- Really.
- Did you just eat the cake? - What else am I supposed to do? Just stand here? - I don't like standing.
I like sitting down.
- No, shotgun a cake.
- In one.
- I'm just going to eat the top.
That's a disgusting waste.
OK, Jon.
Show us your cake.
This is like a prescription version of hash cakes.
So this is a Lemsip drizzle cake.
I love it! You can get a high, but it's all natural and legal.
So this is The jam inside is made from the inside of Lockets So you crack the Lockets open and make the jam and there's a Lemsip topping.
And here is I made this Imodium icing.
- I might need that after Sean's cake.
- Yeah.
It won't come out.
- Um - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's decorated with Strepsils and multivitamins, which will help with a January cold.
- That is genuinely delicious.
- Good.
Points to Jon.
He's the winner.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT SPEECH Good that.
Fun.
Can we save me a slice of Jon's cake? It's got so much sugar in it, I feel slightly giddy and high.
They've actually got a limited edition Lemsip now.
- A limited edition Lemsip? - Yeah, and it's more money.
It's like £2 extra.
It's honey and lemon and it's like gold.
The actual case.
The case it comes in is gold.
I've got it at home.
Do they sell different things in Essex cos people are idiots? - They must do.
They must do, yeah.
- It's gold.
- It's gold.
- It's golden! Gold, I tell you! Gold! OK, I can tell you, Nadiya's not up there.
The Bake Off final drew 14 million viewers, which begs the question - how are they going to top that? I'm guessing with a mouldable fondant on buttercream.
Jon's team, who do you think the nation have been talking about this year? The Queen is always popular, isn't she? The longest reigning monarch as well this year.
- Yeah.
- Huge year for the Queen.
She's been on the throne for 63 years, seven months and counting.
When does it get weird? Like, when do they go The Queen's 164 now.
There's something weird going on.
And why do we have to thank her when we paid for it? Not all of us.
We thank her cos they're kind of like our version of the Kardashians, aren't they? But slightly classier.
The Queen's arse has never broken the internet.
Prince Philip is like Kanye.
I just think I'd rather have Quilip than Kimye.
I think it's a shame they didn't have They had one of those parties when she had her Jubilee.
They didn't this year.
And I liked that one cos you played at it, Rolf Harris played at it, and if you told me two years later that one of you was going to be in prison and it wasn't going to be you, I would have been very surprised.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Hell of a night out.
When she does How can I word this sensitively? When she stops being the Queen When she goes to live on the big queen farm.
Yeah, absolutely.
Yeah.
Do we have to change all the money? Do you have to send your money back or do you think they're already Do you remember those indyglo T-shirts where when it got hot Do you reckon if you rub a tenner, it just turns to Charles? Cos otherwise, you'd have to mail all your money back in, - wouldn't you, and get his face on it? - Mail all your money in? You sound phenomenally gullible right now.
But she's never going to abdicate, the Queen, is she? Cos she doesn't really think she's old, does she? She's got no concept of being old.
For most people, signs of ageing are someone brushes your teeth or wipes your arse and people have been doing that for her since the 1950s.
She's got no idea that she's old.
She just thinks that she's perfectly normal.
I like the idea that at their family Christmas, when they pull the crackers, and Charles gets his hat out and goes to put it in and she goes, ah-ah-ah LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Being in the spotlight for decades can take its toll on your patience.
Take a look at this.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's the fact he still sounds so posh.
I used to work at a lot of call centres and this guy rang up once, he was so annoyed with the company, he was like, "I hope your whole building burns to the ground! "Good day!" Romesh, have you met anyone from the royal family? - I met Prince Harry recently, actually.
- And did you guys get on? Well, I sort of made a joke Cos I was doing a gig, I made a joke about the fact my wife has got a crush on him.
She thinks he's quite hot.
She's not fussy about looks, is she, your missus? To be fair, mate, she's not a massive catch, herself.
So LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That is not true.
Anyway, I'd made this comment about the fact that my wife had a crush on him and then he came up to me afterwards, he was doing like a meet and greet afterwards, and he said, "Really nice to meet you, Romesh, but after what you said, "I'd quite like to meet your wife.
" - Did he? Yeah? - Yeah.
He wants to smash the shit out of it.
OK, time now for a game of Through The Queen's Keyhole.
I imagine, one of Prince Philip's favourite games.
Here's the Queen in her sitting room with the Prime Minister of New Zealand.
Fingers on buzzers.
Can you tell me what items we have blurred out of that photo? - BUZZER - That's not the Prime Minister of New Zealand.
That's Dick Advocaat, the former Sunderland manager.
What do you think we've blurred out of the photo? Is it a tin of dog food with like a fork sticking out of it? - She is an old lady.
- It's for the dogs? Oh, yeah.
That would have made more sense.
Her dogs I thought - she's probably spent all the money on heating.
This will have to do.
- Is it a weapon? - Is it a weapon?! You would just think she'd have some sort of military weapons near her at all times.
Cos there's no guards in the room, is there? So - She needs to tool up.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER DROWNS OUT SPEECH You can take the boy out of Essex, but It'll be like the Sky TV remote and a can of Stella.
- That is the right answer.
It's the Sky TV remote.
- Really? And it was a leather-bound copy of the Radio Times.
- She is a proper Nana.
- Wow.
- Wow.
Let's have another look Through The Queen's Keyhole.
See what we can find.
Have a look at this.
What is Prince Charles holding there? Is he wearing his Boob Inspector T-shirt? He'll have just been on like a Labrador hunt and he'll have shot a Labrador.
He's coming back with his haul.
Ha! Got one! Bastards! - Is it a dead Labrador, Jimmy? - Not a million miles away.
He's got a massive squirrel.
Oh, he has.
It was given to him by the Scottish Wildlife Trust, a massive toy squirrel.
Makes you think, where does Prince Charles bury his nuts? Let's have another look Through The Queen's Keyhole.
So, what is Prince Philip looking at there? His eyes are so bad, that's actually what he sees.
Is it Dummy's Guide To Race Relations? Is it a Nando's Is it the Nando's like grouse menu? Pheasants A pheasant burger It's not that, is it, Jimmy? - I can tell by the way you're looking at me.
- It is not.
It's Let's have a look.
He is in fact looking at a picture of the Queen.
- Aw! - That is his copy of Reader's Wives.
- The Queen irons money - She irons money? - She irons notes.
So she irons her own face.
I don't know whether the Queen carries readies.
- I don't think she ever goes - I read - How much is it? There you go.
If you need proof That's on it.
I'd love it if there was a scene where Prince Philip was just in a thong, dancing, she's just making it rain.
Yes, Philip! Yes! APPLAUSE OK, let's see if the Queen is up there.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Yes, it's the Queen becoming the UK's longest serving monarch.
A lot of people think the succession should skip a generation, bypass Prince Charles, and make Prince William the next receding hair to the throne.
Sean's team, who were the other most talked about people this year? Jeremy Corbyn, the new leader of the Labour Party? What do you make of him? He doesn't look like a world leader.
To start off.
Does he? He looks like he works in a camera shop.
As soon as he became leader, the main sort of story was the fact that he didn't sing the national anthem at St Paul's when there was a memorial service for the Battle of Britain.
- Yeah.
- There was quite a lot of fuss about that.
It's almost, I think, a little bit too much fuss about it.
I can understand if he'd gone into St Paul's with a fez on, doing that You know? The Labour leader showing a marked lack of respect for the Maybe he just hasn't got a great singing voice.
Maybe it's very high pitched.
- What do you think of him, Rich? - Well, I feel a bit sorry for him.
I think he didn't really want to be leader, so I think it's difficult.
He reminds me a little bit of Olly Murs on X Factor this series.
I sort of know why he's there, he doesn't really want to be, he's not quite up to it.
I feel a little bit sorry for him.
I think he's a principled man and I think he stands up for what he believes in and sometimes you've just got to say, "I didn't sing the national anthem because I don't want to sing the national anthem.
" - It's a shit song.
It's a terrible song.
- Yeah.
It's a stupid song.
For example, what you're saying is God Save Our Queen, you're saying someone most of us don't believe in can save someone who gets the best medical care money can buy.
She has her own surgeon.
Just wanders round behind her with a gown on and a mask, just waiting.
If something needs doing.
She's fine.
God Save The Queen, forget about that.
God save the rest of us The national anthem of this country should be Uptown Girl by Billy Joel.
I firmly believe that.
The only time a national anthem has any use is before an international football match and say we're playing Germany and you put on Uptown Girl, all the German fans will join in and it will be like the whole stadium supporting us.
Living in an uptown world And all the Geordies could join in and the Scousers could join in on the Why-aye-aye - It would be a great national anthem.
- A lovely idea.
APPLAUSE Joey, the thing that Jeremy Corbyn's done brilliantly is make Ed Miliband look good in retrospect.
You met Ed Miliband, didn't you? - I did, yeah.
- How did you get on? Yeah, he was all right.
He was quite a nice guy.
I think I get on with him well.
I mean, I ain't got his number, but he's a cool guy, man.
Who else did you meet? You met Nick Clegg, Ed Miliband - Nick Clegg, Ed Miliband and - Did you meet Nigel Farage? That was it, Nigel Farage.
- Did you like him? - Yeah, he was all right.
I was meant to go to a bar with him, but I swerved the bar and went fish and chips instead.
- That was it, yeah.
- Weird how every single one of them - has lost their job after talking to you.
- Yeah.
Everyone has.
Yeah.
Hmm.
I really like Corbyn.
He looks like he'd always have an emergency Twix in his pocket.
I really like that.
You do as well, Jon, actually.
I don't have any pockets, so god knows where I've put it.
- You've got one in your glove compartment.
- I Well, yeah.
- Well - Jon keeps his gloves in the glove compartment and that's it.
Well, my gloves don't fit in my glove compartment because they're in a box.
So they're in a pouch behind the driver's seat and I don't keep chocolate in the car cos the glove box gets hot and I do have a box of cereal bars in the boot in a shoe box.
What was in the glove box? - Glove box is the log book for the car - Oh, God My emergency escape hammer and Ladies and gentlemen, the new Labour leader.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Shall we have a look and see if Jeremy Corbyn is up there? The most talked about person this year.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's the new Labour leader, Jeremy Corbyn.
Jeremy Corbyn is a vegetarian and teetotal, so there's more to him than just left wing politics.
He can also be a sanctimonious prick about what you eat and drink.
He's like politics' answer to Jon Richardson.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I'll drink.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're guessing the most talked-about people of the year.
Jon's team, who have the nation been talking about this year? Can we go for someone who's not a person? Because people, I think, have been talking about Cecil the lion.
The late Cecil the lion.
Tell us what happened with Cecil the lion.
Well, he was shot by a very brave dentist, Walter Palmer.
Because you can go to Africa, you can pay and go and shoot a lion.
- It happens all the time.
- Jimmy I'm sure Jimmy's done it.
Don't spoil Secret Santa.
Why would I go to Africa to do that? I live next to London Zoo.
I think it's good that he shot the lion.
Excellent.
OK.
All this Twitter and moaning about "Oh, the lion got shot," and how terrible it is, nobody managed to hear all the zebras clapping their hooves together.
"Well done, mate.
"Nobody listens to us, do they? "Finally, you've put that crazed serial killer out of action.
" I do think it's like Sean said.
It is symptomatic of the fact that people just Cecil the lion got shot, it's sad, and they put up this photo and go, "Share if you dislike it.
" People Like, why is Cecil better than any other animal? People eat shitloads of chicken, like cows and all this stuff.
You don't have a memorial for every one of those that gets put into a burger or whatever.
I think you should have little Facebook pictures, a packet of chicken nuggets, just arrows pointing towards it.
"This is Dave.
This is Henrietta.
"This is Clucky.
Share if you disagree.
" Do you know what I mean? I reckon if a dentist shot me If a dentist shot me, there wouldn't be an outcry.
If my head was on a dental reception area I don't think there's any way your teeth would be on display in a dentist's.
Before and after.
I think, with Cecil, that it's his name.
Like, Cecil is such a cute name.
Like, if he'd been called, like, Osama bin Lion-den or Fred West the lion.
- Fred West the lion? - Yeah.
I think it's not right.
It's liberty, man.
What you're forgetting is that in the wild, lions get their throats ripped out, usually, like, by a nephew - just turns on them.
It's not like they would have slowly died in an old people's home, flicking through the Radio Times going, "Nothing on today.
" There's so few left, which is why it's probably best we preserve the ones we've got and don't let dentists on their holidays go and shoot a bullet into one.
APPLAUSE Corbyn! Corbyn! Corbyn! Let's have a look and see if Cecil's up there.
Yes, it's the American dentist shooting Cecil the lion, or Cecil the rug, as he's now known.
Fingers on buzzers.
Two more things to get.
Who else is the most talked-about person this year? - Donald Trump.
- Donald Trump.
Tell me more.
What do you think? He's a frontrunner for the Republican presidential nomination.
- Yeah.
- And he's got some quite spicy views.
He's like a sort of Farage on steroids, isn't he? Quite full-on opinions on a lot of things.
He's recently said that he's just going to ban Muslims from America.
Just going to ban them.
I mean, you know, it's nuts.
And I suppose he's only, like, a whisker away from suggesting the reintroduction of slavery.
That's about a week down the line.
But the worse things he says, the more popular he gets.
Well, should we play a little game of Trumped or trumped up? So I've got some genuine Donald Trump phrases.
Some incredible things that he's said over the years.
All you have to do is tell me whether it's Trump or trumped up.
OK? Jon, you've got to pick someone on your team to be Donald Trump.
- Who's going to be Donald Trump? - You're the most right wing.
I'll do it.
I'll probably agree with most of these statements.
Go over to the podium there.
Jon is going to give us three incredible quotes.
You've got to tell me is it Trump or trumped up.
IN AMERICAN ACCENT: Can't even get down the goddamn stairs.
Just before we do this, could you tell me, are Buck's Fizz planning to tour at all or I don't know, Jimmy.
We're having trouble making our mind up.
APPLAUSE OK, so you've got three quotes here.
So the first one, please.
IN AMERICAN ACCENT: My fingers are long and beautiful, as - it has been well-documented - are various other parts of my body.
OK.
A couple of things.
Firstly, he's not from Texas.
OK, so is that Trump or trumped up? - What do you think, Isy? - Oh, God.
Everything's going to sound like Trump because he's a loon.
Yeah, that's true.
I think it's probably Trump.
You're saying Trump.
I can tell you you're absolutely right.
Donald Trump said that.
Mr Trump, slightly more of a New York accent, if you will, this time.
IN GEORDIE ACCENT: I've already said, man That's Newcastle.
God.
New York.
IN NEW YORK ACCENT: I've already said, if she wasn't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her.
- Is that Trump or trumped up? - I feel like that's a bit far, even for him.
- Do you? - No, I believe that is Trump.
- Are you saying Trump? - Trump.
I can tell you you're absolutely right.
That was Donald Trump.
What a guy! He said of his daughter, "If she wasn't my daughter, perhaps I'd be dating her.
" Oh, thanks, Dad.
Last one, Jon.
I'm a Swiss army knife of skills, business skills and enthusiasm.
Point of order, I'll have that again in a full American accent.
IN AMERICAN ACCENT: I'm a Swiss army knife of skills, business skills and goddamn, rootin', tootin', shit-on-my-titties enthusiasm.
I've got everything highly tuned and highly chiselled.
God damn, that's right.
That was quite wonderful.
Is that Trump or trumped up? I don't think it was.
I think that's Mary Berry.
What do you think? Yeah, I think we should say trumped up.
Yeah.
You're going to say trumped up.
I can tell you that was trumped up.
That was, in fact, Richard from this year's Apprentice.
OK, Jon, you come back.
Sean, who are you going to nominate from your team to be Donald Trump? Romesh is going to do it for us.
You've got three quotes.
Sean, Joey, you've got to tell me is it Trump or trumped up.
IN AMERICAN ACCENT: You know, it really doesn't matter what the media write as long as you've got a young and beautiful piece of ass.
I should point out that Donald Trump is not and has never been a pimp.
I'd say trumped up.
No, it's a bit too far even for him.
Trumped.
Trumped.
That was the next President of the United States Donald Trump.
That's right.
OK.
Next one.
If I don't have a woman for three days, I get terrible headaches, I tell you.
I don't believe that.
It can't be.
Trumped up.
Trumped.
You're saying trumped up? Mate, I don't even know who Donald Trump is, mate.
He sounds like a proper weirdo to me, mate.
I can tell you, you're right.
That was in fact JFK.
Romesh, last one.
It's freezing and snowing in New York.
We need global warming on this bitch! A little trip down to New Orleans there, I see.
We went down to the Bayou there, did we? A little bit of preaching.
OK.
What do you think? Trump or trumped up? I think it's probably definitely Trump.
Well, you are absolutely right.
That was Donald Trump.
Let's see if Donald Trump is one of the most talked-about people this year.
Yes, it's Donald Trump.
Donald Trump is shaking things up in American politics and the things he's shaking up are mainly cans of hairspray.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
Sean.
- James Bond.
- James Bond, huge story this year.
Yeah, James Bond, it's a new film out.
What's it called? Spectre.
- Spectre.
You'd make a very good Bond, Joey Essex.
- Me, yeah? - You'd make a very good Bond.
- Good Milk Tray Man.
- Not me, then? - I think we're ready for a Bond from Essex.
- I think so.
- Do you reckon it would suit me? - Joey's not from Essex.
The only person on this panel who's from Essex is me.
- You weren't born there.
- I'm from Bermondsey.
- Yeah, there you go.
- Exclusive.
They edited you out of The Only Way Is Essex, didn't they? Largely, yeah.
- Who are you getting with? - Who was I getting with? - Yeah.
Is there one called Sally? I don't remember a Sally.
Was she a sort? - Yeah, oh, she was a sort.
- That's all right, then.
Well, if she was a right sort You're all right.
You can say you're a right weapon, that means a sort.
- You're a - You're a proper weapon.
- You're a proper weapon.
Listen, mate, you can talk like that but I can't say that shit.
Particularly in airports.
I've got six weapons here with me.
Enjoy the rectal search, mate.
What did you think of the Bond movie? Shit, mate.
This debate about whether we should have a black Bond or whatever, the issue is to have, like, a Bond that just looks regular.
I'm done with these, like, fit, super-athletic What's more undercover than looking like you couldn't handle yourself in a fight? Just some guy that looks like dog shit, just wheezing his way through.
Jon, are you available? I'd like to see a Bond film where he dies, right, where he gets killed, but not in like By a laser or they've tied him to something and the sharks eat him.
He gets hit by an ice cream van and goes to hospital and then he gets MRSA and he just dies in a really sort of unspectacular, depressing, but also socially relevant way.
In those films, he's slept with over 50 women now.
I think his enemy in the next film is going to be chlamydia.
OK, let's see if James Bond is up there.
At the end of that round, Jon's team are in the lead.
That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round features some of the smaller stories from the year.
Jon, pick a story.
What do you like the look of? I suppose, given all this paraphernalia, it would be odd not to pick a dog.
- Let's pick the dog.
- All right.
You've chosen the dog.
There was controversy in June when Matisse, the canine winner of Britain's Got Talent was secretly assisted by a stunt dog double.
You're a dog lover, Jon, what did you make of this story? I am a big fan of dogs as you know, but I am a bigger fan of rules LAUGHTER Yeah, rules are fun, aren't they? You can just about have society without dogs but you can't have society without rules so the dog should have been incinerated OK.
We've got a challenge for you.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Sarah and Mack.
Hello, Sarah and Mack.
OK, Mack and Sarah.
We will demo what they have to be doing.
On your marks.
Get set, go.
OK, go through.
- Hang on.
- Weave, weave.
- Jesus.
Weave! Weave, weave.
Good boy.
APPLAUSE Sarah and Mack, thank you very much.
Jon, what do you want to do? - Want to take that dog to a caravan somewhere, erm - Whoa! Whoa.
Ohhhh! We were having such a nice time.
Jon, who's going to do this? I'll be honest, I really want to do it.
Get up there.
Could we bring in Jon's dog, please? This is Suki.
We're giving Jon treats.
So you know what you've got to do? You are on the clock.
On your marks, get set, go! Go, Jon.
- This way - Oh, huge! - Through the tunnel.
- Suki! - Through the tunnel.
Through the tunnel, Jon.
Oh! LAUGHTER You've got to go through.
Go through the tunnel.
AUDIENCE: Yay! Weave, Jon.
Weave! Come on, you can do this.
Weave, weave.
Weave.
Yeah.
AUDIENCE LAUGHS No, audience, do not steal that dog.
Jon, get it back.
Get it back here, this is all on your time.
OK, weave.
Give it a kiss on the top of the head, that always helps.
Take it to a caravan and seduce it, Jon.
Yes! APPLAUSE That is one of the cutest half-dog half-bat type things I've ever seen.
- This is mine now, yeah? - You've won the dog.
Sean, who from your team is going to compete? I think Joey's got all the attributes to complete this course.
I think I'd do well with this.
I'm not academically clever but things like this I am.
- Right.
Does Joey's dog know the way around? - Yes.
I don't think Joey's going to be able to remember all that.
OK, Joey, take your position.
- OK, let's meet your doggy partner.
This is Blossom.
- So I meet the dog? - Yes, you meet the dog.
- It's like a fox.
- When do I start? - OK, on your marks On your marks, get set, go.
Blossom, Blossom, 'ere.
Right, through the thing.
OK.
Look, no, no, no! Weave, you've got to weave.
- Weave, weave.
- Wow, wow! APPLAUSE Brilliant.
LAUGHTER I think Oh, there you go.
OK.
Oh LAUGHTER Hang on, he's really committed to finishing this.
Hang on.
Oh! APPLAUSE Wow.
For his commitment, I think the winner there is Joey Essex.
APPLAUSE That is a hard sport.
I'm telling you, I'm proper worn out.
I sort of made the dog do it so OK.
Sean, your turn.
Pick a picture.
Erm The dog wants to stay with me, Jimmy.
That's how you make a dog.
SEAN: That is very worrying, that suggests some kind of dog fellatio.
- "Fellashio"? - Fellatio.
I was fellashing a dog, what?! Fellatio! I don't know.
Fellashio.
# I say fellatio, you say fellashio, fellatio, fellashio, fellatio, - # fellashio - Let's suck the whole thing off.
# LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It's like a barbershop quartet.
OK, Sean, your turn to choose a picture.
I'll have a man with the beard, please.
That's Rob, he went viral this year and he is here tonight along with some other people who also went viral in 2015.
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome Rob, Joseph, Abby and Mike.
Here they are.
Your task is to work out who went viral for what.
It's multiple choice.
These are the stories - you have to match them to the people.
Story number one, one of these people went viral when they started an Ed Miliband fan movement called Milifandom on social media.
Story number two - this person's picture went viral when they boarded a flight only to find they were sitting next to their doppelganger.
Story number three, this person went viral after officially naming their baby Bermondsey Millwall Den, without telling their partner.
Story four, this person went viral after being given a video camera to take on holiday to Las Vegas.
They filmed the entire holiday but didn't realise they had the camera on selfie mode.
So, Sean's team, you are looking for the doppelganger and the inventor of Milifandom.
- It's the girl.
- It's got to be Abby.
- Why do you think it might be Abby? She wears glasses, she looks clever.
Think about it, Joey, Sean's got glasses and Eh - You're clever.
- Thank you.
Know what, Joey? That means a lot.
OK, who do you think sat on a plane next to their doppelganger? - Is that the double of someone? - Yes, it is.
- Jesus Christ! Get a pair of glasses.
CHEERING I think it is the dude with the beard.
Yeah, the other two look really boring.
- You wouldn't even notice if you're sat next to somebody who looked exactly like them.
- No.
Exactly.
So you've got paddles there, give the paddles to the people you think relate to the story.
You've got Miliband and you've got doppelganger.
- OK, so - Do you put anything in there? - No.
- Are you serious? It is so soft, man.
No.
LAUGHTER Smells incredible, dude.
Maybe take it to a caravan.
APPLAUSE Here you are, Milifandom.
Jon, you are looking for the person who named their baby Bermondsey Millwall Den without telling their partner.
You're also looking for the Las Vegas holiday-maker who filmed the whole trip in selfie mode.
An incredible piece of film.
The most incredible bit of that footage is not the selfie mode, but the moment he tries to take a selfie and for the first time on his holiday takes a picture of something.
- Put your hands up if you like - Seriously, Rich takes quizzes.
I just want to find the guy who most looks like he loves Leeds United Football Club.
Really wants them to do well.
Just wishes them all the best and loves their fans.
- That way? - Yeah.
- I think the other way.
- Have you seen the video though? - No.
- So It's not out of disrespect but I'm not going to follow you.
Right, time to reveal the answers.
So, Joe, you are the guy that went to Las Vegas.
Was that you? Correct.
- It was me.
- OK.
APPLAUSE OK.
Let's treat ourselves to a little look at your holiday video.
Let's take a look.
I don't know what direction the Grand Canyon is.
I'm not sure.
I think it'sthat way.
That's the view looking down.
Wooooo! That's the Trump Towers, same colour as his hair.
Now, that view is looking north.
I'm here at a junction of several roads APPLAUSE Seems like a stupid thing to do, are you related to Joey in any way or? - Is that a coincidence? - Long time no see.
Have I met you before? LAUGHTER Jon's team.
You thought Mike named his child Bermondsey Millwall Den, is that what happened, Mike? Yes.
And I do hate Leeds.
- OK, Abby, did you set up the hashtag Milifandom? - Yes, I did.
APPLAUSE Everyone is getting these right.
Last one, Rob, you met your doppelganger? - Correct.
- Shall we have a look at the photo you took? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE And we have that stranger here this evening, bring him in.
LAUGHTER It is actually very similar.
It's a nice Go for it.
Thanks.
There was a minute when you stood up when I thought you might genuinely think all three of you might LAUGHTER Thanks very much to Rob, Abby, Mike and Joseph! APPLAUSE At the end of all that, Jon's team are in the lead.
That's it for part three.
See you after the break.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats End Of Year Special.
Sean, Joey, Romesh, your turn to choose a picture.
I'll go for the one with the black hair.
- Who I think is in One Direction.
- Yes, he is.
That's Zayn.
He was in One Direction.
He left One Direction earlier this year.
SNIFFS LAUGHTER Sean, were you upset when he left? I Still can't talk about it, Jimmy.
Just move on! Obviously, there's space in the band now and it needs to be filled.
So this is the One Direction Karaoke Challenge.
Sean, who from your team is going to audition as Zayn's replacement? - Would you like to do it, Romesh? - I'm up for doing it.
- OK.
Well, take your place in the middle and to help you, here is the cast of the One Direction Story.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Jump in there.
Those are some men that are vaguely the same shapes as the One Direction boys.
OK.
So, Romesh, you've got to sing the One Direction classic, Story Of My Life.
Yeah, sure.
No problem.
- OK, take it away.
- I'm going to smash the shit out of this, Hazza.
# She told me in the morning she don't feel the same about us # In her bones # It seems to me that when I die # These words will be written on our stone # And I'll be gone, gone tonight # The ground beneath my feet is open wide # The way that I've been holding on too tight # With nothing in between # The story of my life # I give her hope # I spend her love # Until she's broke inside The story of my life.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Romesh, I've got to say, I loved your commitment to that - and I also liked the fact you look actively winded now.
- It's hard, man.
I didn't realise you were shit at so many different things.
You can do the lot! OK, Jon, who from your team is going to take up the One Direction Karaoke Challenge? - Who wants to do it? - I'll do it.
I'm going to smash it in the dick.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Right in the dick? Take it away, boys.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Isy, your turn to sing.
You're singing the beautiful What Makes You Beautiful.
OK, take it away.
# Everyone else in the room can see it # Everyone else but you One, two, three! # Baby, you light up my world like nobody else # The way you flip your hair gets me overwhelmed # But when you smile at the ground it ain't hard to tell # You don't know, oh, oh # You're beautiful # If only you saw what I can see # You'll understand why I want you so desperately # Right now I'm looking at you and I can't believe # You don't know, oh, oh That's what makes you beautiful.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thank you.
Jon, how would you review that performance? I think it's been obvious for a long time that One Direction have been missing a kung fu element.
I think clearly the winner, Isy Suttie, everyone.
Come on.
Give it up.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE The cast of the One Direction Story there.
APPLAUSE BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show, which means I can tell you tonight's winners are Jon, Isy and Richard.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight.
CHEERS AND APPLAUSE