8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s20e01 Episode Script

1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE ANNOUNCER: Tonight, on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, he's Made In Chelsea, it's Jamie Laing! Joe-ronimo! It's Joe Wilkinson! And their team captain, Aisling Bea.
And facing them tonight, from Tattoo Fixers, it's Paisley Billings! Stand up for Jayde Adams! And their team captain, Rob Beckett! Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! WHOOPING AND APPLAUSE Hey! Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, a show all about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 17% of adults don't class sexting as cheating.
I love sexting, nothing turns me on more than reading the phrase, 'Who dis?' LAUGHTER 47% of people think boy racers are the worst type of drivers - and that's a survey of people who have never seen your mum park in a disabled bay and then do one of her funny walks into Sainsbury's.
And 80% of people say they always visit cultural attractions when on holiday, although that drops to just 20% when you explain that watching someone shoot ping-pong balls out of their foof is not, technically, a cultural attraction.
LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Well, I can't believe our luck.
We've got new team captains, Rob and Aisling, everyone.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Very nice to have you here.
- Exciting, isn't it? - It is exciting.
It doesn't feel much different, being a captain.
Just a different chair.
LAUGHTER But I've just got to do a little bit more left to right.
Before, I was just that.
And now I've been LAUGHTER - I'm worried about my neck.
- I didn't even realise you had one.
LAUGHTER I had the same thing, but I've bought like a ponytail, so if I need to keep people in line, so I might, ker-ching, like that.
Ker-ching, you know, so I can just keep the lads in check, basically.
I'm worried in case anyone forgets, I've just got a little bit of a Arms! LAUGHTER - I tell you what, FIFA are going to be livid when they see that.
- I know.
Sepp Blatter's going to lose his mind.
OK, What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
- Aisling.
- Yes.
- What do you think the nation have been talking about? Without a doubt, it must be the potential United States of Trump.
America is basically about to play the biggest game of Would You Rather that the world has ever seen.
And the question is, as a president, would you rather a woman, loses a few e-mails, wears a lot of pant suits, or a racist sex pest? And, erm, it turns out America really hates pant suits.
What do you think, Joe? Do you think he'd make a good president, Trump? He's saying so many stupid things, like he said, - he said he wants to build a wall, doesn't he? - Mm.
He wants to build a wall around Mexico, then he wants the Mexicans to build it - and I thought, 'Well, if I was Mexican, I'd just build it really low.
' LAUGHTER Or pop a door in it.
Pop a door in it.
Yeah.
Pop a door in it.
APPLAUSE LAUGHTER Can we take a look at? This is Trump dealing with protesters at one of his rallies.
Here's a guy throwing punches, nasty as hell, screaming at everything else when we're talking And you're walking out, and we're not allowed, you know, the guards are very gentle with him, he's walking out, like big high-fives, smiling, laughing I'd like to punch him in the face, I'll tell you.
LAUGHTER - I like him.
- What?! - He's an inspiration to me.
- Go on, how so? Well, he's a blonde moron that's somehow got on telly and he's going to be the president.
LAUGHTER I love it! So what, what do you make of him, Paisley? I just don't really get it.
Like, I don't think Donald Trump is a real person.
Yeah, true.
I feel like you could pull his face back and there'd be someone else in there.
It's not real.
It can't be, this cannot be happening.
That flip came out where he was all like, 'Grab her by the pussy, grab her by the pussy'.
- We've got that clip, shall we? - Have you got it? Yes So, this caused an incredible amount of controversy when a shocking audiotape from 2005 was leaked.
- Shall we have a look? - Yeah.
TRUMP: I did try and fuck her.
She was married.
- That's huge news there! - No-no, Nancy, this was And I moved on her, very heavily, in fact.
I took her out furniture shopping.
She wanted to get some furniture.
I said, 'I'll show you where they have some nice furniture.
' Then all of a sudden, I see her, she's now got the big phoney tits and everything.
- She's totally changed her look.
- Sheesh, your girl's as hot as shit.
- In the purple.
- Whoa! - Yes.
- Whoa! Yes! The Donald has scored.
Whoa, my man! I'd better use some Tic Tacs just case I start kissing her.
You know, I'm automatically attracted to beautiful I just start kissing them, it's like a magnet.
Just kiss.
I don't even wait.
And when you're a star, they let you do it.
You can do anything.
- Whatever you want.
- Grab them by the pussy.
- LAUGHTER IN BACKGROUND - You can do anything.
Nothing but class.
LAUGHTER Do you know Billy Bush, who's the guy in the video with him, he's like a morning talk show presenter, and he got fired, but Donald Trump was still allowed to continue being the presidential candidate? - So the guy he said it to got fired - He got fired - But the guy that said it, nothing.
Which means they actually hold morning television hosts to a higher standard than they do people who run for president, and actually that's the same here.
Like, David Cameron can hang out the back of a pig, but if Phillip Schofield put even the tip of his penis anywhere near a pig, I really do feel there'd be outrage.
LAUGHTER He can do anything, can't he? Might as well shit in a yucca plant.
LAUGHTER What does he have to do for people to like hate him enough? What's left? Fingering an American eagle? I don't know.
Do the Statue of Liberty up the bum? I mean honestly, he'd be like, 'Yeah, I know! 'But it's still better than a woman.
' Jayde, what do you make of Trump? He just carries on making terrible mistakes, and again, I'll say it, what's the hair about? LAUGHTER Sorry, this is YOU saying this? I mean, you're not far off it.
- LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE - That's actually quite good.
- Jayde, who would you vote for? - Neither.
I don't, she don't seem trustworthy, and he's just Oh, the trustworthy thing, Jayde, she is a 69-year-old mother, who's not good at technology.
Like, that's not part of her job.
Ten years, I've been living in England, ten years, I've been Skype-ing my mother.
Never once in all that time have I seen more than the top of her forehead.
LAUGHTER SHE SPEAKS INDISTINCTLY That's not her job! She's still doing a good job, but she's not good at technology.
ROB: It's ridiculous that the thing that's overshadowed it, is the fact Hillary Clinton sent e-mails from a different account.
I mean, I don't get She sent e-mails from her personal account, not her work account - and it's been like investigated by the FBI.
What happened to Julie in HR? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE It feels like there's been a bit skipped, doesn't it? It's gone straight to the FBI! Also, everyone's sent something to someone you shouldn't have sent.
What's the worst thing you've sent to someone? - I sent a picture once - Uh-oh.
Was it of this guy? It was a funny picture with JK Rowling and then, yeah, I said it What did you do? Put like a little clown face on it? - How was it a friendly picture? - Did you take a picture of your plonker? All pictures of Jamie are dick pics.
- Oh, Jimmy! Jimmy! - LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE It was right there.
It was right there, come on.
So, who did you send it to you by mistake? So, I sent it to my ex-girlfriend, and then we broke up - and then she, she tweeted it out.
- THE PANEL GASP - No, she didn't.
- It's on the internet.
You can Google it now.
Can you really? What would it be under? Dick pic, is it? Shall we take a look and see if the American election is up there? - Yes.
- Phew! - APPLAUSE The most talked about thing.
Yes, it's the US presidential election.
Trump or Clinton? It's the political equivalent of being asked, would you prefer to fuck your mum or give your dad a blowie? LAUGHTER Rob's team, what do you think the nation have been talking about? Can I have a consonant, please? LAUGHTER It's not me.
What? APPLAUSE AND CHEERING - What do you think? - What do I think? What are you going for? What's been happening? - Brexit.
- Yes.
- Brexit's big again, isn't it? Is it the new Brexit ruling? The new Brexit ruling? Well, explain.
The thing is, the issue is, it's basically not really should we go or not, it's basically, Theresa May looks stupid now - because she said she's going to trigger Article 50.
- AISLING: And she can't.
ROB: But she can't until all the MPs vote to do it, so that's the new problem, isn't it? It's so bloody confusing, though.
It does feel like Britain has turned into an episode of Game Of Thrones.
You know on Game Of Thrones, 'Winter's coming, 'winter's coming' - and winter never comes.
Like, I feel every time I watch Channel 4 News, 'Brexit's coming, Brexit's coming', you know nothing, John Snow! We don't know if it's coming! APPLAUSE - Am I going to have to vote again? - What do you mean again? Well, we've done election, we did the referendum, I've been in that school hall more times then when I was in year nine.
LAUGHTER - Paisley, what do you think? - I think we should stay.
I don't Like, everything's all right now, isn't it? Why have we got to go? - EVERYTHING is all right - It's sorted! - What's the point of leaving? What's going to happen when we? Do you know what? I'm not sure about change, I don't like change too much.
I feel like everything will change if we leave.
What do you make of Theresa May? What do you think? Jayde? Well, I mean - She's all right, isn't she? - No! - No! She's not LAUGHTER She seems a little bit like a supply teacher at the moment.
I feel a bit sorry for her.
We used to have a supply teacher at school, who was four foot 11, and when she used to come in, we would write on the top of the board, 'rub this out if you can.
' - And she - LAUGHTER .
.
and she couldn't, and then she'd cry.
What's annoying to me is that we've all decided, collectively, the media, the newspapers that we're going to use the word 'Brexit.
' It's quite a serious issue - and we're all saying 'Brexit.
' It sounds like a nightclub in Essex.
You been down Brexit, mate? Yeah LAUGHTER It's a really serious issue and it feels like it's trivialising it, - that we're not calling it 'Britain is leaving the EU.
' - I agree.
It sounds like a cereal.
- LAUGHTER - It does! It's confusing! It sounds like a cereal that's very good for your, sort of digestive tract.
LAUGHTER I had one, did a 'Brexit' straight away.
LAUGHTER Joe, Joe, your views on Brexit.
Easy-to-use sort this shit out, isn't it? There's a thing happening within the EU LAUGHTER Some of the lads want in, some of the lads want out.
They've decided it and now they're having another vote - and I, for one shouldn't be involved.
LAUGHTER I shouldn't make any decisions.
I make stupid decisions all the time, like A few days ago, I decided to hold a wee in for so long that my legs started to shake.
I used to have a friend at school who used to hold a pee in, and what he used to do is he used to hold the pee in, but he used to hold the end of his foreskin, - so it would swell up like a balloon.
- LAUGHTER The worrying thing is that people Jamie went to school with are probably trying to sort out the Brexit.
LAUGHTER Just going, Article 50? Watch this first HE MAKES WHIRRING NOISES - You know what? It's a tough job.
- How would you know? How would you even know what a job is? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Well, let's have a look and see if Brexit's up there.
Phew.
APPLAUSE Yes, it's the Brexit High Court judgment.
Boris Johnson looked shocked, confused and dishevelled.
Then he was told the news.
LAUGHTER - Are you related to Boris Johnson? - Everyone says that It's the terrible hair.
- It's not the terrible hair.
- No, that's Yeah, it is, yeah.
I had a haircut especially for tonight.
- Aw - They missed the back.
LAUGHTER That's Joe Wilkinson taking the piss out of your hair! Unbelievable.
APPLAUSE Unbelievable.
The decision on whether to leave the EU started with the referendum, next, there'll be a parliamentary vote, then, rock, paper, scissors, game of pool, best of three, then a kick about in the park, next goal wins.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE OK, fingers on buzzers, what else have the nation been talking about? BUZZER What do you think, Aisling? Prince Harry has a new girlfriend.
- Jamie, you guys are all related.
- LAUGHTER - You're posh.
Erm - The term you're looking for is 'inbred'.
LAUGHTER What's the gossip? What's the story? - I don't, I don't know that much gossip.
- Oh, tell us! You do know! - You know.
- I don't, I don't, I wish I knew more.
I actually don't.
- Have you met him? - I haven't met him, no.
My friend, my friend Spencer Matthews, his brother Was he the one who's been working out a lot? LAUGHTER - His brother - I like him.
- Spencer believes he's now becoming a prince.
- He's a fucking idiot, then.
- Because he's LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE He's That's your friend from Made In Chelsea - With the great body.
- .
.
and he's going to be the best man at Pippa Middleton's wedding, but she, controversially, hasn't asked Kate to be her bridesmaid, cos, you know, that's like, revenge is a dish best served cold, I bet you any money Kate will rock up and ask, 'Let's chat', and be like, 'Now watch me work!' - And be like - LAUGHTER ROB: Do you reckon Pippa's got to invite the Queen? Because, really, she shouldn't really, because it's basically her brother-in-law's nan - and that is evening at best, isn't it? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Once she gets in early and the speeches are still going, and she's just sort of looking in.
I'm not allowed in your evening.
Paisley, would you go out with Prince Harry? Do you know what? I once had a rumoured romance with Prince Harry.
- What? - You once had a what? Right, I started the rumour, and he didn't know about it, but LAUGHTER APPLAUSE When I lived in New York OK, so when I lived in New York and people realised I was British they'd be like, 'Oh, my God! Do you know the Queen?' I'd be like, 'No, but I used to go raving with Prince Harry' - and they believed me.
They were like, 'Oh, have you got pictures?' I'd be like, 'Oh, do you know what? Cos of his security, like, 'they don't want pictures of him getting too pissed and all that.
'I have to give my phone to security and we'd get them back at the end of the night' - and they fully believed it.
You see, me and Harry were together for a couple of weeks.
Sure.
Shall we take a look at Prince Harry just, you know, busting a move? Check him out.
CALYPSO MUSIC CHEERING CHEERING AND APPLAUSE That was me! It so is! That was me, and they were my cousins, he was in Jamaica, - it was definitely me and my cousins.
- LAUGHTER Jayde, what do you think? Would you go out with Prince Harry? Aside from the fact he's got a title, you remove that title and put him in an Asda in Bedminster, that's not an attractive man.
Bedminster is in Bristol.
It's where working-class people live, Jimmy.
Sounds ghastly.
LAUGHTER - This one said she likes a bit of a ginger.
- Yes.
- Which This is Meghan Markle.
When I first heard it, I thought it was the girl from the toilets in Harry Potter, isn't it? LAUGHTER The thing is, she seems lovely, this actress, but she's only on like a small drama in America.
It's not like He's a prince, he could have, like a Hollywood movie star, He could have anyone.
It's like the Sultan of Brunei going out with someone from Hollyoaks.
LAUGHTER Well, it's easy for him to pull, isn't it? Cos he's got a good chat-up line, he can say, 'Do you want to be a princess?' - And you know - Well, you've got a good chat-up line.
- I've got loads of good - 'Get in the van.
' - Yeah.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE I, I actually I actually do, I do have really good chat-up lines.
Go on, then, Joe.
Throw me a few.
- All right.
They're quite corny, but they always work.
- Mm-hm.
Erm, did you just fall from heaven, cos you've got a massive bruise on the side of your temple? LAUGHTER Yeah, OK.
My sort of go to one though is, erm, if I told you you had a sexy body would, you let me have a go on your mobility scooter? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE I can tell you it's not up there, but Prince Harry has reportedly got a new girlfriend.
Yeah.
Meghan is known for her humanitarian work.
Well, I say that, she's fucking a ginger kid, that counts, doesn't it? LAUGHTER APPLAUSE That's it for part one.
See you after the break! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
One more thing still to get.
BUZZER Rob.
- Strictly.
- Go on, tell me about Strictly.
Ed Balls.
- Have you seen him? Oh, he knows how to move.
- Does he? - He really gives some oomph.
- "Some oomph"? He proper goes for it.
Are you saying you like him? Do you know what? I'd go out dancing with Ed Balls.
I'd take him on a night out.
I just realised it's quite a working-class side over here, innit? - Yeah, mate.
- It's all "Oomph" and It's like we sort of won a competition to go on University Challenge.
Like a polytechnic, we're like that "Fink it might be something to do with books!" Let's have a look at Ed Balls in action.
Check out his amazing cha-cha.
# I took a drink # Ooh-ah Ooh-ah # Ooh-ah # But when I kissed a cop down on 34th and Vine # She broke my little bottle of Love Potion Number Nine APPLAUSE Really? - He's good! - Really? - Watching him dance just makes me smile.
- It's nice.
He is.
It's kind of like a little toddler at a wedding - or something like that.
- Sliding on his knees.
- Potter about.
Quite stressful, watching it, though.
I can't really watch it.
I just find the whole thing really Especially your man, Bruno.
Whenever it comes to him with the points, like, he has so much enthusiasm and you never know until the end of a sentence if it's going to be positive or if it's going to be negative and it's just always a shock.
Like, imagine if he was your doctor and you went in for your test results and he was like AS BRUNO: "Well, I read the results and wow, wow, wow, wow, wow! "You've got cancer!" If I ever did Strictly, I would like, want to go on but I want to be the only boy to ever be lifted.
- I'd like to - I'll do it, mate.
I'll do it now.
- Do you want to do it now? - I'll lift you now.
- OK, let's do it.
Let's go, yeah.
Jump out.
CHEERING - You want to be lifted? - Yeah.
Yes, mate! CHEERING Come on then, mate.
I was a dancer.
MUSIC: Single Ladies by Beyonce - Right, so just do that.
- Right.
And then rainbow.
Go down.
Ready? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Now.
CHEERING - YEAH! That was so good! - OK, we can We can go across to the judges now.
What have you got? Um, sorry, I was watching the cricket.
No, 14 I give you.
I was drawing boobs.
He really captured you perfectly.
That was sort of fantastic.
- It was good, won't it? - It's all right.
I was lifted, but I'm out of breath.
How does that work? I have that effect on men, mate.
I think, with Ed Balls, he gives it a go and, actually, he's got a lot of rhythm.
But I I did disco dancing.
The costumes are mental.
In fact, this is kind of like one.
Ooh.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I think I've seen too much.
I think I might have to have a sit-down conversation with my wife now.
Like, "I've got something to tell you.
"I didn't mean to, but I've seen something.
" I think it's important that Ed Balls is smashing it in Strictly Come Dancing, cos it's about time that dance just wasn't populated full of skinny people.
And that, you know, some larger people actually come in and smash dancing in the dick.
- What I'm Can I say "dick"? - Can you say "dick"? After what's just happened, I think you can do whatever you want.
Well, I can tell you that Strictly - is not one of the most talked about things.
- Oh.
- Yeah.
Bruno caused average earlier this year by shouting "bollocks" live on air.
Typical Bruno.
If he's not concentrating, he often lets a bollock slip out of his mouth.
OK, one more thing to get.
BUZZER Aisling.
- Bonfire Night.
- Let's have that as a more enthusiastic guess.
Well, I can't really get too enthusiastic about this anti-Catholic festival where you burn a catholic, Jimmy.
Wait, what? So people burn a person? Yes.
- I thought it was just fireworks.
- AISLING: No.
I'm enjoying this, I feel well clever.
- APPLAUSE - Yeah! Go on, Rob.
Explain - Bonfire Night.
- They don't burn a person.
- Everyone burns their own person they make.
- Right.
I just thought it was about fireworks.
I feel like I'm on a night bus.
Now, obviously people celebrate with fireworks.
Not everyone celebrates in the same way with fireworks.
Take a look at this guy.
He's taken it to the next level.
MUSIC PLAYS SHOUTING Woohoo! WHOOPING AND SHOUTING - CHEERING AND APPLAUSE - Oh, my God! He strikes me as one of those lads who has no personality.
You know, someone who tries too hard.
You're like, "I bet you're no craic.
" I'm not bothered about Bonfire Night.
Don't bother me.
Cos I have a I have a fire going in my front garden pretty much all year.
The only difference is, like, Bonfire Night's a good night to get rid of evidence.
I prefer Bonfire Night to Halloween.
I don't like It doesn't sit right with me, it's like Why don't you like Halloween? It's like Deliveroo for paedophiles, innit? APPLAUSE - Not having it.
- Let's see if Bonfire Night is up there.
Yes, it's Bonfire Night! So, at the end of that round, Rob, Jayde and Paisley have one point.
Aisling, Jamie and Joe have two points.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Our next round is Pick Of The Polls.
Rob, Jayde, Paisley.
What do you like the look of? Shall we go tattoos? That's your specialist subject.
- Yes, tattoos.
- Tattoos, please, Jimmy.
Well, you're from Tattoo Fixers.
OK, well here's our question - Let's go to the expert.
- True.
Have you got any tattoos? I've got three little dots on my little finger, that's it.
Hold that up to the camera.
Er, here's the world's shittest tattoo.
SHE GASPS But you work in the industry.
You're a receptionist in the tattooists.
Yeah, I love my three dots.
It's like "to be continued".
How many have you got, Jamie? You've got "Small"?! Why do you have "small" written on your arm? I have loads of shit ones.
They're everywhere.
- So I've got "small" here.
- Why? - Why? Is it a dick pic photo reminder? - I've got "small", I've got "hug" here.
- What made you? You look like Scrabble.
Yeah.
And then I got one Paisley knows this one.
- I've got a teddy bear with a balloon.
- Oh, yeah.
- That's his best tattoo, though.
- That's the best one.
- So I've got that one.
- My mate went in and asked for a Celtic band, and they did a tattoo of the Pogues.
APPLAUSE Paisley, what's the worst tattoo you've ever seen? There was this larger man with, like, a big beer belly and he came in and he whipped his top up, and he had a woman with her legs spread - and his belly button was her nunny.
- AISLING GASPS But because he'd gained so much weight, it looked like she was giving birth out of it.
Minging.
- Joe, have you got a tattoo? - Yeah.
I've got, um quite a few nipples .
.
tattooed down my front.
So when I'm nude, I look like a suckling pig.
Most Like, a lot of people who have tattoos also have a lot of piercings, right? And I've always noticed - - you know, like, the tongue one? - Mm.
- Right? Why does that never rust? You know what I mean? And then why not just make barbecues out of that metal? Cos most mouths are wet inside.
It's because of silver.
It's silver.
I don't think silver rusts.
What about the spoon you had as a kid? APPLAUSE Can you tell me, what are your top tips for people that are thinking about getting a tattoo? - First one, be sober.
- "Be sober"? Cos the amount of people that come in, they're like, "Oh, yeah, I was pissed with my mates and got a tattoo.
" - Joe, that's you out.
OK.
Second tip.
- Be sure.
Like, come up with a design or whatever, or get them to draw it up.
Have that idea in your head and then think about it for, like, weeks, months or whatever.
- Cos it's going to be on your body for ever.
- OK.
- So tip number three? - Be ready for the pain.
Like, you got to get yourself in the zone cos it fucking hurts.
What, was it the second dot that really stung? Mate, it was the first one.
OK, let's get some answers on this now.
So - What are you going to say? - I think it's false.
- You think it's false? Oh, see, I want to go true.
You're going to say true, I'm going to say false.
But you're I mean, you're, you know But then I'm around them or I see them all the time, - I'm like, "Oh Good tattoos are quite attractive.
" - It's your world.
You also said You sort of hinted you would do Ed Balls as well, so I don't think we can trust you.
I wasn't going to do him, I was just going to, like, take him out, - teach him how to twerk or something.
- Can you do it? - Yeah, I can.
- Can you? - Go on, give us a go, Paisley.
Can we see it? I don't know if you're going to see enough booty movement in the jeans.
CHEERING So step one is, like, you spread your legs.
- Step two, you drop it low.
- Yeah.
- Oh, you drop it low.
Yeah.
Step three, put your hands on your knees, and then you just go up and down.
CHEERING Excellent! - I feel like I don't have enough arse.
- What? Like, I feel like I don't have enough I feel like I don't have enough junk in my trunk to get it wobbling.
I've got too much junk in my trunk, darling.
There's loads there.
I mean, I just don't I'm so I've no arse.
Just like - It's just sort of like - No, you've got enough.
You've got enough.
- It looks like I'm sort of - You haven't followed the steps, babe.
Step one, spread 'em! - I mean, if you go out and show her, please.
- Come on.
- Yeah, let's Well, a little demonstration.
- You've got to give them some - Yeah, right, OK.
- Step two, drop it low.
- Yeah, OK.
- Drop it low.
- Like you're busting a squat.
- I feel like something might fall out.
Hands on your knees.
And then you It's all here.
Oh, God, my back.
Just give it a little Can I hold my back while I do it? CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Um, that was Well OK.
- What are you going to say, Rob? - We're going for true.
I'm sorry.
- You're going for true? OK.
- Majority rules.
- What are you going to go for? - What you think, Joe? - Um Whatever you fancy.
Ooh, chicken and chips.
And that's a yes from Joe.
- What are you going to say? - True, true.
- False.
Oh, no.
We mean false.
You're going false.
You're going true.
I can tell you the answer is CHEERING AND APPLAUSE SHOUTING DROWNED BY APPLAUSE There are five main types of tattoo - tribal, Japanese, prison, stag do and shit.
That's it for Part Two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Aisling, Jamie, Joe, pick a picture.
- AISLING: What's that up at the top corner? A robot? - JAMIE: Robot, yeah.
Yeah, go on, robots, Jimmy.
All right, well, sci-fi drama Humans has recently returned, so we asked our studio audience, What do you think? Yeah.
I mean, I don't know if I'd trust myself with a robot around the house.
I think I'd probably fall in love with it.
- I have a lot of trouble just with Henry the Hoover.
- Yeah.
LAUGHTER I mean, he's sitting there, looking at me Be good to have one, though, wouldn't it? Be good.
Would you like a robot round the house, Joe? Yes.
There's loads of stuff they could do.
I'd get it to put the back door back on the hinges.
LAUGHTER You That's not a euphemism? That better not be a euphemism, yeah.
LAUGHTER I don't think I'd want a robot.
Really? Because Yeah, it's just another thing to charge up, isn't it? LAUGHTER I read today that they said in 2018, robots for the house will be available with warm genitals.
That's not something you want to buy second-hand, is it? LAUGHTER What would you rather Would you rather have a robot or a dog that can talk to you? - Dog! - Dog! - Dog that and talk to you! - Dog! - Jamie, of course.
- Jamie! - No It was I mean, it's a question No, Jamie, it wasn't just a question! - Would you want - Yeah, I want the dog.
Get me the dog.
The dog, yeah! Give us a dog.
Jamie, you've loads of money, get us a dog that can talk.
What about a dog that can only say, "Arseholes"? So it just goes round, going Like, it's crystal clear.
"Arseholes.
" I feel like it would probably look a bit like you, Joe.
Like, it would sort of, like The dog would sort of look a bit like this.
Look how cute that would be.
And just says, "Arseholes.
".
Do it again.
Arseholes.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE So what do you think? Do you think people would want robots helping around the house? Jamie, I'll let you decide this time.
- 100%.
Of course you would.
You would love it.
- Of course you do.
"More staff, yes, please," says Jamie.
LAUGHTER So what do you guys think? - I think people want one.
Do you want one? - I do.
But I feel like people might just say no, cos it would be a bit creepy, wouldn't it? Actually, it depends, if it's one of the Does it come assembled, or is it like IKEA, where you have to assemble it? If it's like one of those Kinder Eggs where you open it and it's like, "Oh, it's not, you have to put it together" - But if it's a robot that - What a faff! Are you saying you have been outsmarted by a Kinder Egg toy? Kinder Eggs are shit at the moment, it's all the Avengers ones that come out full, don't they? You can't build them.
Who likes building them? You want it to come out full.
- I like building them.
- You like building? I build things so you can live in them.
That's how the class system works.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE OK, so what do you think? What are you going to go for? - I think we do want robots.
- We do.
- The answer is yes.
- So you think yes, you think yes? - Yes.
Well, I can tell you, it's true.
68% of our studio audience said yes.
APPLAUSE So at the end of that round, it's two points for Rob's team and four points for Aisling's team.
APPLAUSE And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
BUZZER Make them a mix tape.
- Aww! - Aww! AUDIENCE: Aww! I used to love a mix tape! What would you put on What's your go-to track? True Colours.
Oh, Cyndi Lauper? Go on, go on.
Aerosmith, Don't Want To Miss A Thing.
Oh, my God I would so fuck you! LAUGHTER Jamie The question was not, "How would you tell someone you fancy them in 1998.
" LAUGHTER Can't you just make a playlist or something, and just send it to them, like? It's a bit more romantic, isn't it? Having Bit more romantic.
You're making an effort.
Well, let's go to the King of Romance.
Joe, what would you? LAUGHTER Ooh Well, one of the things I usually do is I perform all of Kylie Minogue's dance moves from the past 25 years in a loincloth, or LAUGHTER .
.
stand at the end of the bed while they're sleep.
LAUGHTER I mean, you joke, but that is essentially the Milk Tray adverts.
Which they've brought back! It's like, a man in a cloak with a hat on creeps up, in the middle of the night, up your drainpipe, gets in through the window when you're in the bathroom on your own, brushing your teeth or something, then he goes over to your bed, leaves a box of chocolates, and do you call the police? No, you don't, cos women love sweets(!) "Oh, my stalker's bringing me sweets(!)" LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE No, they They do call the police.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE There's several things you can tell, or read someone if they fancy you.
And one of them is playing with your own hair.
If you play with your own hair when talking to someone - What, so, like - You've You've not got long left, have you, mate? There's also If you laugh and touch at the same time What about if they They push their nose into the back of your head while you're having a wee? LAUGHTER What do you think? How would you let someone know you fancy them? Give them a smile? Laugh at their jokes? I'm pretty obvious about it, all right, mate? LAUGHTER SHE IMITATES A SAXOPHONE LAUGHTER Aaah! That sounds like the noise they make when they see the Milk Tray man leaving the window.
LAUGHTER A lot of people say, though, like, you've got to give them the eye.
Like, giving them the eye.
But I don't know what Go on, give us the eye.
Let's I'll try and give you I don't know Like this It's - Given them the boss eye.
- No! No, no, no LAUGHTER I think too much of my teeth come out when I'm doing the eye, look I'm try to look sexy by pulling my eyes back in, but then my mouth comes out.
LAUGHTER - Jade, give us the AI.
- Oh, I've got a lazy eye.
This is not going to come out well at all.
You'll look like you're playing hard to get, then.
LAUGHTER - Go on, look at me.
- I'm looking right at you.
- Does that one go that way a bit? - Yeah, that one goes off, - and I'm looking right at you.
- It's not that noticeable Mm.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE You should get a job in security, you've got it covered.
- What happened to love letters, though? They were - E-mails! Oh, God! Love letters were Do you know, I used to write love letters when I was younger.
I used to send love letters, and then hand them over at school.
- I used to do that the whole time.
- Aww.
- You went to an all-boys' school, didn't you? - I did.
LAUGHTER, APPLAUSE Aww, you're so cute.
Best way to let someone know you fancy them, what do you think? JADE: Laughing at their jokes.
ROB: Laughing at their jokes, I think that's a good one.
- Giving them compliments? - Giving them compliments.
I can tell you that's number two.
- Staring without blinking.
- LAUGHTER Do you know what? I'm going to give you that.
I'm ready give you that.
The top way to let someone know you fancy them is giving them lots of eye contact.
APPLAUSE Yes, the best way to let someone know you fancy them is eye contact.
When a girl looks at me, I can tell in a flash what she's thinking.
She's thinking, "I wish he'd stop flashing me.
" LAUGHTER BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show.
Which means that the final scores are Rob, Jade, and Paisley have two points, Aisling, Joe, and Jamie have five points.
- They're tonight winners! - Yes! - APPLAUSE Thank to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience, and all of you watching at home.
That's it from us.
Goodnight!