8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s20e02 Episode Script
Joey Essex, Cathy Newman, Roisin Conaty, Nish Kumar
1 This programme contains some strong language.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, dreams can come true, it's Joey Essex! CHEERING Nish of the day, it's a Nish Kumar! CHEERING And their team captain, Aisling Bea! CHEERING And facing them tonight, news just in, it's Cathy Newman! CHEERING Funnying around, its Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING And their team captain, Rob Beckett! CHEERING Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, the show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 51% of people say they'll take their next holiday alone? My girlfriend will.
She doesn't know yet.
But she will.
LAUGHTER One in six British grandparents plan to spend all their savings before they die.
So, kill them now.
LAUGHTER And 90% of people are happy in their own company.
(Wankers.
) LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That is the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
Aisling, what do you think the nation have been talking about this week? What do I think people have been talking about this week? LAUGHTER At a guess, I think it might well be that Donald Trump became the 45th - Was it the 45th? - The 45th.
45th president.
- The final.
- The final president - LAUGHTER - Definitely, that franchise is done.
- LAUGHTER .
.
of the United States.
I mean, in a way, it is positive because I'm sure there are eight-year-old American boys who are like, "Finally, "I get to see a white man become president in my lifetime.
" Nish, what do you make of Donald Trump being elected president? Well, listen, Jimmy, I had a feeling you might ask us about this.
Now, this is a very emotive subject, people are getting very het up, so I thought I'd prepare a statement, just so I could express myself in as clear-headed a way as possible - about the US election results.
- Good.
Excellent.
HE SCREAMS REPEATEDLY LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Shall we take a look at Trump's acceptance speech? Keep an eye on his son, Barron Trump, on his left.
To all Republicans and Democrats and Independents across this nation, I say it is time for us to come together - as one united people.
- CHEERING I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for all Americans.
And this is so important to me.
It's my honour, it was an amazing evening, it's been an amazing two-year period.
And I love this country.
- Thank you, thank you very much.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've got a similar mouth to Trump.
I'm not proud of it.
Don't you dare go close up.
- I have got a bit, I talk with a similar mouth - You do! Say, "it's going to be a beautiful wall.
" - It's gonna be a beautiful wall! - LAUGHTER I could be little Barron Trump next to you.
Cathy, tell us, what do you think of Trump as president? Cos everyone was worried the markets would crash and there was going to be turmoil.
- How come that didn't happen? - Well, he gave a speech, which was slightly more dignified than people were expecting.
And so, the markets, having been plummeting, sort of steadied a bit.
I thought they were quite easily reassured, actually, because, I mean, when we first started reporting on Trump, it was really good for viewing figures because he was entertaining.
It all felt like a bit of a joke.
- And then, of course, it became a little bit more serious.
- I feel sorry for Theresa May.
She's got to have a special relationship with him! I'm excited that Boris Johnson's the Foreign Secretary because he's going to have to go and have a meeting with Trump.
He'll just sort of walk in and go, "Dad?" AISLING: It was a bit of a I think what surprised so many people, I'm sure maybe it may be the same for you, Roisin and Cathy, about how many women voted for him.
- It was a right slap in the fanny.
- LAUGHTER - Yeah, a real grab to the pussy.
- I mean, really, I felt it ROB: You've got to try and look at positives, in times like this, - when everyone is worried and stressed - Do you?! - Go on, what's the positive thing? Ladder sales have gone through the roof in Mexico.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Some people were delighted that Trump won.
Obviously.
Take a look.
See, Great Britain, America, see how we're hookin' up now? We're goin' rogue.
Insane.
You know, the people are gonna take back control of our governance, really.
We're going to be able to say, "No, we don't want this globalism.
" We can't be telling other countries, other nations, how to sweep their porches if we can sweep our own yet, so we 'gotta take care of what's going on here within our borders just like you all have done.
A reminder there that it could be worse.
Towards the end here, I don't even know if she was speaking English.
It was just like, she went "Wa-dee-do-dee-da!" It just sounded like evil just leaking.
Like LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH You know when she said we're "going rogue"? I mean, if I said, "We're going rogue," that would be like a nice sort of drive in the countryside.
When Sarah Palin says it, it makes you wonder, what does that mean? It's like machete and bear attacks.
NISH: Yeah, if I say, "I'm going rogue," it's a four-hour rectal probe at Heathrow.
LAUGHTER That is entirely the luxury of white people, to walk round, - thinking, "Oh, I'm going rogue" - LOUD THUD - What was that noise? - That was Homeland Security.
LAUGHTER They've come to take it out on me, Jimmy! Where did it go wrong for Hillary? Hillary wasn't the ideal person we'd get excited about.
She wasn't a woman who got people really excited.
- She weren't fit enough.
- Well, Joey LAUGHTER - She's a grandmother! - Yeah, she's 69 years of age.
She's kept herself well.
I know but from her pictures, she looks all right.
I've seen her, I went to America and I seen her, like, live on TV and she didn't look all right.
What about Donald? I mean, does Donald do it for you? - Donald? - Is he fit? - He don't do nothing for me.
I mean, I don't even know him, you know what I mean? Joey, do you Do you only vote for people you know? I didn't vote! I couldn't vote.
No, because you've got to draw an X to be able to write.
LAUGHTER OK, one of the things that surprised everyone was when Trump won, his acceptance speech was quite gracious and Hillary Clinton was incredibly gracious in defeat.
Take a look.
Last night, I congratulated Donald Trump and offered to work with him on behalf of our country.
We must accept this result and then look to the future.
Donald Trump is going to be our president.
We owe him an open mind and the chance to lead.
With respect for our differences, strength in our convictions and love for this nation, our best days are still ahead of us.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE AISLING: She didn't do that as soon she knew she'd lost, she did that, like, what, 15 hours later.
And I really, really wanted her to come out, like, in a nightgown, like in a dressing down with a glass of white wine, going, "Well, well, well Fuck this shit.
I'm out! Pfft!" - Cathy, you've met Clinton.
- Bill Clinton.
- How was Bill? Well, I was at a dinner, I kind of gate-crashed a dinner.
It was the 100th anniversary of Labour dinner and there were lots of businesspeople there and I thought some of them might be good to interview, so I was on a table with all these businesspeople and we each had a box of peppermints.
And one of the guys said, "I dare you to go and get Bill Clinton to sign your peppermint box.
" So, I was like, "Yeah, all right, yeah, fine.
" - A bit of a risk with Bill, isn't it? - Well "Do you want to sign me peppermint box?" So, I went over, there he was, he was surrounded by men and obviously, - seeing me at the back, he reached over - Oh, God.
.
.
winked at me, pulled me towards him and signed my peppermints.
Now, I half expected him to say, "Will you suck it and see?" LAUGHTER Ahem! Ahem! Channel 4 News, everyone.
Channel 4 News.
APPLAUSE I'm going to watch more news if that's the kind of stuff you say on it! The real expert here, I mean, I know you on Channel 4 News and that's great and everything.
But Joey Essex here has actually been to the White House.
Take a look.
- So, what's this? The White House? - Yeah, this is the White House right here.
- That is the White House.
- Look at it, wow.
- The genuine article.
- Huge and white.
- Yeah, it's They have the right name for it.
I don't care what anyone says, mate, I'm proper, I am proper, - I am in the White House.
- Very cool.
Wait, how am I even in the White House? Pfft! How am I even in here? What a crease.
(White House.
) - TV: What is that? - TGIF.
(Mental! Mental!) LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE No-one is going to shoot you.
Hands up emoji to that one, innit? That was sick.
You're not an emoji.
You're a real person.
No, but just to explain it.
I went to the White House.
- What did you find out? What did you - Not much.
Were you sent there by the British government, like what was your role as a UK ambassador toAmerica? I don't actually know, I was just sent there to be Joey Essex and that's exactly whatI did.
I just literally walked in.
I don't know how I got in.
- Cos you're meant to wear a tie.
- You just said you walked in! I don't know how I got him but I ended up getting in and yeah, I walked in.
I was walking up the front drive.
It's a weird experience.
Know what I mean? - I imagine a lot of things, though, for you.
- Oh, everything's weird.
I'm a bit weird.
So it's like everything's weird around me, you know what I mean? - Wait till you get to a library.
- Serious.
- Blow your mind.
- There's lots of books.
- Fuck that.
Let's have a look and see whether the presidential election is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, Donald Trump is the new president.
I must say, as Apprentice tasks go, Trump's really nailed this one.
Hillary's currently sitting in a cafe, crying into a cup of tea, trying to work out who she is going to bring back into the boardroom.
Rob, what else do you think the nation have been talking about this week? - Erm, I'm a celebrity? - Yes, you are, Rob, yes, you are.
- I was going to say, sort of.
But - It's like, when's the crossover? When's it happen? Erm, I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here.
- Jungle show's back now, isn't it? - Now, you used to work out there, didn't you? You used to do the, what was the show on after I'm A Celebrity? Yeah, so, I used to do the spin-off show and we'd talk about the jungle.
I did that for three years.
I really miss it.
Sometimes I just go to the rainforest cafe for a sit down.
- Rob, was you there when I was there.
- Yeah, I was - Respect.
What I liked about when you was there, Joey's got I mean, I'm not going to have a go at your teeth because I can't really, you know But when you was on there, when you used to brush your teeth, and I don't know if you still do this, this made me laugh so much, he doesn't move the toothbrush, you just shake your head! LAUGHTER I still do it.
Every single day, like that.
Yeah, but Joey, when you brush your hair, do you just keep the comb still and just move your head? I'm almost afraid to ask this but how do you wipe your arse? Completely normal.
- Joey, what was it like in the jungle? - Erm, yeah, it's weird.
It's just like you're just trapped in a jungle, really, with no food.
- Starving.
- Who else was in there with you? - Erm, Kian, who won it.
- Where did you come? Did you - I come fourth.
- That's good.
- That's all right.
I liked it.
- Yeah.
- It's not about winning.
All right, Hillary Clinton.
What's really exciting, though, well, for Roisin, Rob, myself and Nish, is that this year our friend Joel Dommet, who is a stand-up, has gone into it.
- And we Like, I didn't know, did you know? - No.
- None of us knew And he's not even my friend who's the most competent at eating assholes Hello! Rob, you're the expert in this.
You've been out there a good few times.
Who's going to win? Well, it's normally someone who's got a big following.
So, in the past, like, Carl Fogarty, Kian Egan, erm, have won, that's cos they've got, like, people that bought tickets to go see them race or sing and stuff like that.
But I don't know who's got a big Scarlett Moffat's probably the most popular at the moment.
But you know, we mentioned Joel, Joel might do quite well because he's good-looking and young, which obviously helps with the vote.
I mean, this is the most informed I've ever been on anything.
Suddenly, never mind the US election, "Finally, something I know about!" - You know crocodile vagina's on the menu this time.
- Crocodile vagina? They've got crocodile vagina in again? Is Katie Hopkins going back in? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That is an insult to crocodiles.
What's weird is they always do something random, like a camel's toe or a crocodile vagina or something off a I feel like there must be some sort of support centre for all these animals.
The crocodile's like, "They ate my vagina!" "That's my toe!" A kangaroo crying in the corner, going, "Christopher Biggins ate my arsehole!" Not the first person to say that.
LAUGHTER - Would you ever go on that sort of thing? - No! Would you do it? Oh, I mean, on the way down, yeah.
It's like wearing a hair shirt.
When I do something truly horrific, I'll have to go on that as a penance.
What's a hair shirt? People used to wear shirts with sort of hair on the inside that were really awkward and horrible to wear, - as a penance to God.
In the Middle Ages.
It's - Religion's hard work, innit? There's always something happening.
It's either a pancake or hair on your shirt.
Does my nut in.
That was such a you-don't-know-what's-going-on response.
You responded like how I do to any taxi driver who says anything weird.
I go, "Story of my life, mate.
" Roisin, are you a fan of the show? I like the one, where, Gillian, is it Gillian McKeith? - Is that how you say her name? - Gillian McKeith.
- You saywhatever.
And she fainted.
Because she wouldn't do a challenge.
I've once done that.
In an old job, I was really hungover and I went into a biscuit cupboard in the morning, for a sleep.
And my boss came in and found me.
And I went, "Oh! I must have fainted.
" And she went, "Halfway through a Kit Kat?" LAUGHTER Well, I can tell you that I'm A Celebrity is not up there.
But the bush tucker food on this series will include kangaroo anus, crocodile penis andcamel toe.
Because Carol Vorderman wears her shorts too tight.
- LAUGHTER AND GROANING - Jimothy Carr! - Oh - What? - Put your bloody hair shirt on.
APPLAUSE That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, we're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER Aisling? Well, it's actually been the big story that everyone's been talking about.
Never mind the election, Jimmy.
They've only changed the shape of Toblerones! LAUGHTER - What?! - No! This has genuinely upset an awful lot of people.
I mean, I couldn't believe the reaction over it.
Though I do I'm partial to a Toblerone, cos when I go on holidays, I don't really tan, and so when I come back, I've no way of showing people that I've been away.
So what I do, is I tuck a little Toblerone under my arm, and then people are like, "Oh, have you been away?" LAUGHTER Here's the new and the old Toblerone.
Take a look.
- I'll pass that over.
- Yeah.
There you go, have a look.
So that's the new one, that's the old one.
So they've basically taken out one of the triangles.
ROB: Do you know what it looks like? It looks like the stinger on Police, Camera, Action.
LAUGHTER AISLING: This is always my favourite thing.
This is always my, like MUFFLED LAUGHTER Are you eating a whole Toblerone? I was really popular at secondary school! LAUGHTER You looking at me? What are you seeing? I love it, yeah.
Is this what it looks like when you look at my face? LAUGHTER ROB: The thing is, they keep shrinking the chocolate, don't they? And know how you get those, like, fun-sized chocolate bars.
I don't get why that's a fun size.
It's not like That's just about anti-obesity.
It's just smaller, isn't it? It's like going, "Oh.
"Have a look at my fun-sized penis.
" LAUGHTER Theresa May doesn't need to do the sugar tax, now, cos this is going to help everyone's waistline.
Maybe Toblerone has done us a favour.
ROISIN: No, this is sacred This is part of this lies and mendacity! They're going at our chocolates! And ruining it.
And at Christmas Last year, at Christmas, I was just trying to binge peacefully on my Roses, and I kept getting shitbombed with coffee ones, cos they were wrapped in green.
So, shitbombed with coffee ones because they were wrapped in green.
LAUGHTER What does that even mean? Shitbombed, I can't begin to The coffee ones come in brown wrappers.
- Are we all agreed? - AUDIENCE: Yes! - They come in a brown wrapper? - AISLING: Preach, sister! They come in brown wrappers.
I'm so angry, I'm not even finishing words.
- ROB: Don't bother.
- And then it's Christmas, and then you go, "Green one! Tasty.
" Nice, you know, you know what you're dealing with, with green.
- And you just stuck them all in and it's - Sorry, you're not even How many are you throwing in there before you even register taste? A whole bunch, cos I think green's safe.
- It's good to be like those triangle ones.
- Green for go! Yeah, green for go! I mean, the thing is, though, that If they are starting out with Toblerone, where does it end? Do you know what I mean? Curly Wurlies, are they just going to be Wurlies? Do you know what I mean? After Eights, After Fours? Do you think they're just going to keep cutting it? AISLING: Do think it's Brexit, Rob? ROB: I don't know what it is.
But what does frustrate me a little bit They say it's not Brexit, though, don't they? But they're only doing it in the UK, though, aren't they? NISH: Yeah, they're only doing it in the UK, and the thing is, if it is Brexit, judging by the anger here, the Remain campaign, basically, they didn't need to bother with any of the sort of Project Fear stuff.
They could basically have just gone, "We're going to make chocolate smaller.
" And we would have stayed in Europe like that.
JOEY: Well, who cares? It's chocolate.
Who cares, man? ROISIN: It starts with the small things.
We don't care about chocolate, we don't care about Marmite, next thing, Trump's in.
LAUGHTER Well, let's have a look and see whether Toblerone getting smaller is up there.
Genuinely! When we polled, it was second most talked about thing.
Roisin, I don't even want to ask, cos that's right in front of you.
Could you eat a little bit less chocolate on the show? LAUGHTER Cos you're on telly, and you've had half a Toblerone.
LAUGHTER Honestly! You've genuinely You've just eaten half a Toblerone, so I don't want to be a dick - You can't You've got to chew it.
- I have.
LAUGHTER Eat as much as you want, but just, please chew it.
If you are going to defend your decision to eat half a Toblerone, swallow it before you start defending.
DROWNED BY LAUGHTER When she can't speak, her eyes get bigger! No, but she's doing She's doing the Trump face when she speaks.
That stuff is like drugs.
It's like catnip, but like Roisin-nip.
Guys, forget that! LAUGHTER Roisin-nip! OK, fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
BUZZER Rob's team.
- The John Lewis advert.
- It's the new John Lewis advert.
That's the new one.
The Christmas one.
Genuinely, I think people are kind of You know, they're very heart-warming, these ads.
- Shall we take a look at this year's offering? - Yes! DOG PANTS INAUDIBLE # What more can your love do for me? When will love be through with me? DOG GROWLS DOG BARKS LAUGHTER One day I'll fly away.
APPLAUSE That is That is It's undeniably cute, but what the fuck has that got to do with me buying a toaster? LAUGHTER See, I don't find it cute.
I feel like that dog is just essentially watching a group of Sylvanian families have an orgy on a trampoline.
CATHY: I shed a tear in a kind of happy way, but a also kind of tired and emotional, it's been quite a long few days You shed a tear? For that? But they look like a lovely family, and they had all the animals invited to the trampoline.
And also, that dad put that trampoline up.
I mean Respect to him.
JOEY: How did they get the animals to do that? LAUGHTER - AISLING: No - Yeah, but how do they Obviously, like CATHY: I think that is a good question! JOEY: No, I'm saying, how do they get them animals to do it? - Are they real or fake? - How do you think? How do think they would get them to do it? Well, I don't know.
I mean, it seems real.
So, if they Cos it's like a film, isn't it? LAUGHTER It is like a film, yeah.
- So they're rather fake, yeah? - Yeah.
NISH: You're warm there, brother.
Or Or Or real, but they make them look fake.
Whoa! LAUGHTER He's bloody got it, Jimmy! NISH: Yeah.
Joey, please never watched the film Babe.
LAUGHTER Roisin? I I wasn't I'm not that into it.
I like the family.
ROB: What did it need? More chocolate? No, but the problem I have with it LAUGHTER I think it's rubbish because I think foxes are Like, you know, the CGI penguin, "Oh, it's a penguin!" Foxes, I see them in my bins, banging at three in the morning.
I don't want to see them I don't think it's cute.
But do you know, they've named them Cos they've got teddies of them, and they've called them, like, Otto and Just, like, really middle-class names.
Like, what are they getting out of your bins, harissa paste? LAUGHTER I like that it hasn't got, like, a ponce-ified version of a song.
So it's just a normal song about it being, like "It's a little bit funny," you knowand they do an English accent, or whatever.
Well, they do, I mean, it's a Randy Crawford classic - that they've changed - AISLING: Covered.
But it's not like, in that English sort of, Dickensian, like, What more could I do to fly away? like, you know, kind of way.
The way that Rob talks? I'll do, like, a Chas and Dave one.
So just slow it down.
You don't stop talking.
LAUGHTER You keep giving it that! LAUGHTER You're absolutely right, though, any song that you slow down that much, it kind of sounds, "Oh, yeah, Christmassy.
" My neck, my back.
LAUGHTER Lick my pussy and my crack.
- That's not a song! - That is a song.
# My neck, my back Lick my pussy and my crack.
That is a literal song.
-Give me my chocolate! -I'll have nightmares! LAUGHTER OK, let's see if the John Lewis advert's up there.
Yes! The new John Lewis advert.
The ad features a fox, a badger, a hedgehog and two squirrels.
Or as I like to call it, Mr Tinker's Christmas dinner.
LAUGHTER So those were the most popular talking points, but in other news, Honey G continues to steal the show on The X Factor.
Honey G has been accused of being a joke act, but that's what they said about Chico and Jedward, and look at where they are now Missing, presumed dead.
LAUGHTER And Tesco Bank was hit by online fraud.
I think they'll catch whoever did it when they try and pay for their weekly shop with a billion Clubcard points.
LAUGHTER So at the end of that round, Rob, Roisin and Cathy have one point, - Aisling, Joey and Nish have two points! - Oi, oi! That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.
Aisling, Joey, Nish, what do you like the look of? Um, I'd like the man in the mirror, please, Jimmy.
OK.
So, most people would rather be more attractive than more intelligent.
True or false? What's the point in being intelligent? I'm not and I've done all right.
- What? - No, it's just Well, if you had to pick and choose, innit? So, would you rather be better looking or more intelligent? Pfff Better looking.
What's the point in being intelligent? If he does become intelligent, his career's over.
Oh, right, because you've got a watch, but you famously can't tell the time - is that just a showpiece watch, or what's the vibe? Well, I mean, watches are more for fashion, aren't they, really? - Of course they are, yeah.
- Tell me about it, brother! I think, Joey, actually, you're really clever and it's all part of a sort of clever act.
I am, I'm really clever.
I mean, I didn't do well in school academically, - I'm not going to lie - Really? No, but I am genuinely really clever.
People don't know that and that's why they always ain't laughing, cos they are taking me serious.
CATHY: I believe you, I believe you.
What do you think is your cleverest moment? - Just being an absolute G.
- Yeah, yeah.
Just being a legend, that's what I'm good at.
Everyone else out there, doing this, brushing their teeth, like an idiot, this guy No, Jimmy, it's like that.
Oh, it's just me? Rob just pulls up at the carwash, they think he's going to wash the car.
Get the roof off The truth is, you know, the noble thing to say, everyone wants to look good and go, "I want to be more intelligent," but I think the truth, deep down, you know, you can't instagram them brains.
I've never been sent a brain pic! Nobody's ever sent you a brain pic, have they? Like, "Word of the day!" Rob, what do you think will get you further in life, being good-looking or being intelligent? - I'll take either.
- Aww! Don't you say that, you absolute chancer! I think, you know, it might be boring being too attractive.
No, it's boring being too clever! You know everything - what's the point? You don't learn anything.
ROISIN: But space travel! But I ain't going to go into space.
You joking? I don't know, Joey, you went to the White House, mate, don't do yourself down.
I wouldn't be surprised if next week I turned on the TV and it was just you going, "Fucking hell, mate!" If you could design your own rocket, imagine, there's people out there who get out of bed and think, "I'll design a rocket, I reckon.
" Or the cure for cancer.
"I think I'll cure cancer today.
"Breakfast first, I'm not an animal.
" Um, I think different things Like, you say be more attractive, but different things make people attractive.
I remember what I found so attractive about my wife when we first started getting together, her parents were mortgage free.
So, in a way, it depends what your cup of tea is of attractiveness.
Cathy, would you go for looks or intelligence, if you were looking for a partner? Bookish but handsome.
What's a bookish? I've never heard the word bookish! - Someone who looks like - Have you, audience? - AUDIENCE: Yes! - I heard a few noes.
Someone who looks like they read a lot of books, they might go around carrying a book, maybe a pair of glasses on - Come on, I know you're joking about.
- No, no, genuinely! - Are you serious? - It is someone who likes books.
- Oh, my days! He's got a book! He's a published author! I've got a book.
Do you want my book? Did someone ghost write it, or did you write it? Obviously I didn't write it myself - come on, be serious.
So, what do you think, Aisling, would you rather be better looking, or would you rather be more intelligent? Oh, intelligent, because then I would trick people into bed with my keen knowledge of geography.
See what I mean? That's just not good intelligencing.
Oh, Joey! Good intelligencing? Do you think I could get people into bed by being intelligent? - Come on, man! - What? - But do you always go for a woman, based on her looks? - No.
- Or do you actually go for personality? - I go for personality.
Exactly, and personality is a sign of intelligence.
Obviously, looks are a bonus, don't get me wrong.
You're going for intelligence in the women in your life? Yeah, because then they can help me out.
I'd love to be clever, don't get me wrong, if I had a clever brain, I was born clever, don't get me wrong, that's it.
You know, it feels like we are in The Wizard of Oz now.
Does it? Has he got a brain? Is he clever? The Wizard of Oz? I didn't sit there and study this childhood film and go, "Yeah, OK, he ain't got a brain and he likes bricks" You know what I mean? Joey, I don't think you were giving this film your full attention.
OK, so let's get some answers on this.
What do you think, Aisling? I'm going to go with, call me crazy, the opposite of what Joey said and say false, people would rather people be more intelligent.
- What do you think, Rob? - We think true.
Well, I can tell you, the answer is false.
APPLAUSE Some people find intelligence really attractive, and we call those people ugly.
OK, Rob's team, what do you like the look of? Um, well, let's have a bit of Robbie Williams.
Robbie was in the news this week because he reportedly enlisted a healer to drive an evil spirit out of his new home, so we asked our studio audience Robbie does.
Otherwise it's really weird.
He's changed his tune a bit, getting rid of ghosts.
He made millions from Angels, didn't he? So, what do you think? Do people believe in ghosts? Joey does, because one wrote a book for him.
I actually do.
I don't believe in ghosts - I believe in spirits.
What, like Jager? What's Jager? - Jagermeister! - Oh! But you genuinely believe in ghosts? I don't believe in ghosts, man, I believe in spirits.
What's the difference? Well, I don't believe in Casper, but I believe in I believe in, like, there might be a spirit around me now, you know what I mean? Like, this is a sign of protection.
I think it's a sign you've been to Argos.
I think you're superstitious.
I'm a bit superstitious, I have to take a special pen into the studio every night and it's not this one.
You have to take a special pen in? I'm a little bit OCD, so it's kind of my safety blanket.
- But I forgot it tonight.
- I have that, I feel that.
There's something more than what we realise, Jimmy.
You're right, there is something out there, guys, like Like my friend Henry VIII here always says .
.
if there weren't ghosts, why would there be ghost tours? Roisin, do you believe in ghosts, spirits, anything like that? No, but I did once Not believe in ghosts, but I've done that stuff as a teenager when you go like, "Oh, if you can hear me" - You know, like, sort of seances.
- Ouija board, sort of thing? Yeah, but we didn't have enough money for that, just Scrabble.
Spooky - Scrabble with the lights out! Why did ghosts always just turn up in, like, creepy old buildings and castles? They're never, like, in Matalan or I wouldn't want to be a ghost.
Late nights, and you're cold, ain't you? I'm actually a ghost and I'm finding this really offensive.
"We've got a poltergeist!" "What's it doing?" "Eating all the chocolate.
" GIVE ME MY FOOD! I thought we had a poltergeist in our house.
We first moved house and stuff kept on moving, but it worked out it was my mother-in-law coming round, poking her nose in while we were out.
Keeps moving lamps! You've got your own house, move the lamps in your house! It can't go on.
That's just Grand Designs! OK, we asked our studio audience What do you think? - Nah.
- No, I don't think they do, do they? OK, so what do you think? Do you think people believe in ghosts? - Um, yes, definitely.
- Yes.
- You're saying yes, you're saying no.
- No, no.
- OK, well, I can tell you, the answer is no APPLAUSE Are ghosts real? Well, on the one hand, you've got scientists like Richard Dawkins and Stephen Hawking saying no.
On the other, you've got Derek Acorah and Mystic Meg.
I don't know who to believe! So, at the end of that round, two points for Rob's team, three points for Aisling's team.
APPLAUSE And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
BUZZER What do you think? That's flaccid! I think the best way to compliment a man is the same way as you give him bad news.
You've got to sort of bamboozle them, so, just be unbuttoning - Whatever you're about to say, just be unbuttoning.
- Like a Russian doll.
- Like a Russian doll! - Just get one after the other.
Honestly, absolute game changer.
NISH: That definitely doesn't work the other way round.
There's no way you could compliment a woman being like, "Hey, I quite like the look of your fat" Whoa, what are you doing? - So, Cathy.
- Yes? - What's the best compliment you ever given a man? Well, I suppose if you tell a man he's really funny, - they always like that.
- Tell him he's funny is number three on the list.
- Is it? - Yeah, of things that guys like to hear.
I'm nearly there, then.
Cathy, do you ever do that thing, kind of like, "News just in - you are about to get banged.
" Oh, I would do it all the time.
The worst compliment I ever had was I got complimented for having a nice eye.
Singular! And then I went, "Oh, don't you mean eyes?" He went, "No.
" Oh, my God.
Which one? Let's have a look.
Listen, I'm not into that much self abuse, I didn't go, "Which one do you like, man? "Tell me, I'll make the other one nice!" OK, best way to compliment a man? It's weird, though, with compliments, because some things are complimentary in some cultures and some aren't.
So, burping can be rude, but in some countries it is a sign of a good meal.
In Thailand, showing the soles of your feet is offensive, but firing ping-pong balls out your fanny is fine.
And if anything, showing your feet would probably help firing 'em! Do you know what, I've really got your meaning here already.
It's much harder to do that! ROB: Is it just to roll over and go to sleep? No, the opposite of that.
- You're the best I've ever had.
- We'll give it to you, - the best way to compliment a man is to tell him he's good in bed.
- Oh! Yes, the best way to compliment a man is to tell him he's good in bed.
When it comes to sex, I pride myself on making sure any woman I'm with has the most satisfying and fulfilling seven seconds of her life.
END-OF-ROUND KLAXON That sound means it's the end of the round and the end of the show, so the final scoresare Rob, Roisin and Cathy have two points, Aisling, Joey and Nish have won with four points! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats, dreams can come true, it's Joey Essex! CHEERING Nish of the day, it's a Nish Kumar! CHEERING And their team captain, Aisling Bea! CHEERING And facing them tonight, news just in, it's Cathy Newman! CHEERING Funnying around, its Roisin Conaty.
CHEERING And their team captain, Rob Beckett! CHEERING Now, welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, the show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 51% of people say they'll take their next holiday alone? My girlfriend will.
She doesn't know yet.
But she will.
LAUGHTER One in six British grandparents plan to spend all their savings before they die.
So, kill them now.
LAUGHTER And 90% of people are happy in their own company.
(Wankers.
) LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That is the name of our first round.
It's our panellists' job to guess the British public's top three most popular talking points.
Aisling, what do you think the nation have been talking about this week? What do I think people have been talking about this week? LAUGHTER At a guess, I think it might well be that Donald Trump became the 45th - Was it the 45th? - The 45th.
45th president.
- The final.
- The final president - LAUGHTER - Definitely, that franchise is done.
- LAUGHTER .
.
of the United States.
I mean, in a way, it is positive because I'm sure there are eight-year-old American boys who are like, "Finally, "I get to see a white man become president in my lifetime.
" Nish, what do you make of Donald Trump being elected president? Well, listen, Jimmy, I had a feeling you might ask us about this.
Now, this is a very emotive subject, people are getting very het up, so I thought I'd prepare a statement, just so I could express myself in as clear-headed a way as possible - about the US election results.
- Good.
Excellent.
HE SCREAMS REPEATEDLY LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE APPLAUSE DROWNS SPEECH Shall we take a look at Trump's acceptance speech? Keep an eye on his son, Barron Trump, on his left.
To all Republicans and Democrats and Independents across this nation, I say it is time for us to come together - as one united people.
- CHEERING I pledge to every citizen of our land that I will be president for all Americans.
And this is so important to me.
It's my honour, it was an amazing evening, it's been an amazing two-year period.
And I love this country.
- Thank you, thank you very much.
- CHEERING AND APPLAUSE I've got a similar mouth to Trump.
I'm not proud of it.
Don't you dare go close up.
- I have got a bit, I talk with a similar mouth - You do! Say, "it's going to be a beautiful wall.
" - It's gonna be a beautiful wall! - LAUGHTER I could be little Barron Trump next to you.
Cathy, tell us, what do you think of Trump as president? Cos everyone was worried the markets would crash and there was going to be turmoil.
- How come that didn't happen? - Well, he gave a speech, which was slightly more dignified than people were expecting.
And so, the markets, having been plummeting, sort of steadied a bit.
I thought they were quite easily reassured, actually, because, I mean, when we first started reporting on Trump, it was really good for viewing figures because he was entertaining.
It all felt like a bit of a joke.
- And then, of course, it became a little bit more serious.
- I feel sorry for Theresa May.
She's got to have a special relationship with him! I'm excited that Boris Johnson's the Foreign Secretary because he's going to have to go and have a meeting with Trump.
He'll just sort of walk in and go, "Dad?" AISLING: It was a bit of a I think what surprised so many people, I'm sure maybe it may be the same for you, Roisin and Cathy, about how many women voted for him.
- It was a right slap in the fanny.
- LAUGHTER - Yeah, a real grab to the pussy.
- I mean, really, I felt it ROB: You've got to try and look at positives, in times like this, - when everyone is worried and stressed - Do you?! - Go on, what's the positive thing? Ladder sales have gone through the roof in Mexico.
LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE Some people were delighted that Trump won.
Obviously.
Take a look.
See, Great Britain, America, see how we're hookin' up now? We're goin' rogue.
Insane.
You know, the people are gonna take back control of our governance, really.
We're going to be able to say, "No, we don't want this globalism.
" We can't be telling other countries, other nations, how to sweep their porches if we can sweep our own yet, so we 'gotta take care of what's going on here within our borders just like you all have done.
A reminder there that it could be worse.
Towards the end here, I don't even know if she was speaking English.
It was just like, she went "Wa-dee-do-dee-da!" It just sounded like evil just leaking.
Like LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH You know when she said we're "going rogue"? I mean, if I said, "We're going rogue," that would be like a nice sort of drive in the countryside.
When Sarah Palin says it, it makes you wonder, what does that mean? It's like machete and bear attacks.
NISH: Yeah, if I say, "I'm going rogue," it's a four-hour rectal probe at Heathrow.
LAUGHTER That is entirely the luxury of white people, to walk round, - thinking, "Oh, I'm going rogue" - LOUD THUD - What was that noise? - That was Homeland Security.
LAUGHTER They've come to take it out on me, Jimmy! Where did it go wrong for Hillary? Hillary wasn't the ideal person we'd get excited about.
She wasn't a woman who got people really excited.
- She weren't fit enough.
- Well, Joey LAUGHTER - She's a grandmother! - Yeah, she's 69 years of age.
She's kept herself well.
I know but from her pictures, she looks all right.
I've seen her, I went to America and I seen her, like, live on TV and she didn't look all right.
What about Donald? I mean, does Donald do it for you? - Donald? - Is he fit? - He don't do nothing for me.
I mean, I don't even know him, you know what I mean? Joey, do you Do you only vote for people you know? I didn't vote! I couldn't vote.
No, because you've got to draw an X to be able to write.
LAUGHTER OK, one of the things that surprised everyone was when Trump won, his acceptance speech was quite gracious and Hillary Clinton was incredibly gracious in defeat.
Take a look.
Last night, I congratulated Donald Trump and offered to work with him on behalf of our country.
We must accept this result and then look to the future.
Donald Trump is going to be our president.
We owe him an open mind and the chance to lead.
With respect for our differences, strength in our convictions and love for this nation, our best days are still ahead of us.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE AISLING: She didn't do that as soon she knew she'd lost, she did that, like, what, 15 hours later.
And I really, really wanted her to come out, like, in a nightgown, like in a dressing down with a glass of white wine, going, "Well, well, well Fuck this shit.
I'm out! Pfft!" - Cathy, you've met Clinton.
- Bill Clinton.
- How was Bill? Well, I was at a dinner, I kind of gate-crashed a dinner.
It was the 100th anniversary of Labour dinner and there were lots of businesspeople there and I thought some of them might be good to interview, so I was on a table with all these businesspeople and we each had a box of peppermints.
And one of the guys said, "I dare you to go and get Bill Clinton to sign your peppermint box.
" So, I was like, "Yeah, all right, yeah, fine.
" - A bit of a risk with Bill, isn't it? - Well "Do you want to sign me peppermint box?" So, I went over, there he was, he was surrounded by men and obviously, - seeing me at the back, he reached over - Oh, God.
.
.
winked at me, pulled me towards him and signed my peppermints.
Now, I half expected him to say, "Will you suck it and see?" LAUGHTER Ahem! Ahem! Channel 4 News, everyone.
Channel 4 News.
APPLAUSE I'm going to watch more news if that's the kind of stuff you say on it! The real expert here, I mean, I know you on Channel 4 News and that's great and everything.
But Joey Essex here has actually been to the White House.
Take a look.
- So, what's this? The White House? - Yeah, this is the White House right here.
- That is the White House.
- Look at it, wow.
- The genuine article.
- Huge and white.
- Yeah, it's They have the right name for it.
I don't care what anyone says, mate, I'm proper, I am proper, - I am in the White House.
- Very cool.
Wait, how am I even in the White House? Pfft! How am I even in here? What a crease.
(White House.
) - TV: What is that? - TGIF.
(Mental! Mental!) LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE No-one is going to shoot you.
Hands up emoji to that one, innit? That was sick.
You're not an emoji.
You're a real person.
No, but just to explain it.
I went to the White House.
- What did you find out? What did you - Not much.
Were you sent there by the British government, like what was your role as a UK ambassador toAmerica? I don't actually know, I was just sent there to be Joey Essex and that's exactly whatI did.
I just literally walked in.
I don't know how I got in.
- Cos you're meant to wear a tie.
- You just said you walked in! I don't know how I got him but I ended up getting in and yeah, I walked in.
I was walking up the front drive.
It's a weird experience.
Know what I mean? - I imagine a lot of things, though, for you.
- Oh, everything's weird.
I'm a bit weird.
So it's like everything's weird around me, you know what I mean? - Wait till you get to a library.
- Serious.
- Blow your mind.
- There's lots of books.
- Fuck that.
Let's have a look and see whether the presidential election is up there.
APPLAUSE Yes, Donald Trump is the new president.
I must say, as Apprentice tasks go, Trump's really nailed this one.
Hillary's currently sitting in a cafe, crying into a cup of tea, trying to work out who she is going to bring back into the boardroom.
Rob, what else do you think the nation have been talking about this week? - Erm, I'm a celebrity? - Yes, you are, Rob, yes, you are.
- I was going to say, sort of.
But - It's like, when's the crossover? When's it happen? Erm, I'm A Celebrity - Get Me Out Of Here.
- Jungle show's back now, isn't it? - Now, you used to work out there, didn't you? You used to do the, what was the show on after I'm A Celebrity? Yeah, so, I used to do the spin-off show and we'd talk about the jungle.
I did that for three years.
I really miss it.
Sometimes I just go to the rainforest cafe for a sit down.
- Rob, was you there when I was there.
- Yeah, I was - Respect.
What I liked about when you was there, Joey's got I mean, I'm not going to have a go at your teeth because I can't really, you know But when you was on there, when you used to brush your teeth, and I don't know if you still do this, this made me laugh so much, he doesn't move the toothbrush, you just shake your head! LAUGHTER I still do it.
Every single day, like that.
Yeah, but Joey, when you brush your hair, do you just keep the comb still and just move your head? I'm almost afraid to ask this but how do you wipe your arse? Completely normal.
- Joey, what was it like in the jungle? - Erm, yeah, it's weird.
It's just like you're just trapped in a jungle, really, with no food.
- Starving.
- Who else was in there with you? - Erm, Kian, who won it.
- Where did you come? Did you - I come fourth.
- That's good.
- That's all right.
I liked it.
- Yeah.
- It's not about winning.
All right, Hillary Clinton.
What's really exciting, though, well, for Roisin, Rob, myself and Nish, is that this year our friend Joel Dommet, who is a stand-up, has gone into it.
- And we Like, I didn't know, did you know? - No.
- None of us knew And he's not even my friend who's the most competent at eating assholes Hello! Rob, you're the expert in this.
You've been out there a good few times.
Who's going to win? Well, it's normally someone who's got a big following.
So, in the past, like, Carl Fogarty, Kian Egan, erm, have won, that's cos they've got, like, people that bought tickets to go see them race or sing and stuff like that.
But I don't know who's got a big Scarlett Moffat's probably the most popular at the moment.
But you know, we mentioned Joel, Joel might do quite well because he's good-looking and young, which obviously helps with the vote.
I mean, this is the most informed I've ever been on anything.
Suddenly, never mind the US election, "Finally, something I know about!" - You know crocodile vagina's on the menu this time.
- Crocodile vagina? They've got crocodile vagina in again? Is Katie Hopkins going back in? LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE That is an insult to crocodiles.
What's weird is they always do something random, like a camel's toe or a crocodile vagina or something off a I feel like there must be some sort of support centre for all these animals.
The crocodile's like, "They ate my vagina!" "That's my toe!" A kangaroo crying in the corner, going, "Christopher Biggins ate my arsehole!" Not the first person to say that.
LAUGHTER - Would you ever go on that sort of thing? - No! Would you do it? Oh, I mean, on the way down, yeah.
It's like wearing a hair shirt.
When I do something truly horrific, I'll have to go on that as a penance.
What's a hair shirt? People used to wear shirts with sort of hair on the inside that were really awkward and horrible to wear, - as a penance to God.
In the Middle Ages.
It's - Religion's hard work, innit? There's always something happening.
It's either a pancake or hair on your shirt.
Does my nut in.
That was such a you-don't-know-what's-going-on response.
You responded like how I do to any taxi driver who says anything weird.
I go, "Story of my life, mate.
" Roisin, are you a fan of the show? I like the one, where, Gillian, is it Gillian McKeith? - Is that how you say her name? - Gillian McKeith.
- You saywhatever.
And she fainted.
Because she wouldn't do a challenge.
I've once done that.
In an old job, I was really hungover and I went into a biscuit cupboard in the morning, for a sleep.
And my boss came in and found me.
And I went, "Oh! I must have fainted.
" And she went, "Halfway through a Kit Kat?" LAUGHTER Well, I can tell you that I'm A Celebrity is not up there.
But the bush tucker food on this series will include kangaroo anus, crocodile penis andcamel toe.
Because Carol Vorderman wears her shorts too tight.
- LAUGHTER AND GROANING - Jimothy Carr! - Oh - What? - Put your bloody hair shirt on.
APPLAUSE That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats, we're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
BUZZER Aisling? Well, it's actually been the big story that everyone's been talking about.
Never mind the election, Jimmy.
They've only changed the shape of Toblerones! LAUGHTER - What?! - No! This has genuinely upset an awful lot of people.
I mean, I couldn't believe the reaction over it.
Though I do I'm partial to a Toblerone, cos when I go on holidays, I don't really tan, and so when I come back, I've no way of showing people that I've been away.
So what I do, is I tuck a little Toblerone under my arm, and then people are like, "Oh, have you been away?" LAUGHTER Here's the new and the old Toblerone.
Take a look.
- I'll pass that over.
- Yeah.
There you go, have a look.
So that's the new one, that's the old one.
So they've basically taken out one of the triangles.
ROB: Do you know what it looks like? It looks like the stinger on Police, Camera, Action.
LAUGHTER AISLING: This is always my favourite thing.
This is always my, like MUFFLED LAUGHTER Are you eating a whole Toblerone? I was really popular at secondary school! LAUGHTER You looking at me? What are you seeing? I love it, yeah.
Is this what it looks like when you look at my face? LAUGHTER ROB: The thing is, they keep shrinking the chocolate, don't they? And know how you get those, like, fun-sized chocolate bars.
I don't get why that's a fun size.
It's not like That's just about anti-obesity.
It's just smaller, isn't it? It's like going, "Oh.
"Have a look at my fun-sized penis.
" LAUGHTER Theresa May doesn't need to do the sugar tax, now, cos this is going to help everyone's waistline.
Maybe Toblerone has done us a favour.
ROISIN: No, this is sacred This is part of this lies and mendacity! They're going at our chocolates! And ruining it.
And at Christmas Last year, at Christmas, I was just trying to binge peacefully on my Roses, and I kept getting shitbombed with coffee ones, cos they were wrapped in green.
So, shitbombed with coffee ones because they were wrapped in green.
LAUGHTER What does that even mean? Shitbombed, I can't begin to The coffee ones come in brown wrappers.
- Are we all agreed? - AUDIENCE: Yes! - They come in a brown wrapper? - AISLING: Preach, sister! They come in brown wrappers.
I'm so angry, I'm not even finishing words.
- ROB: Don't bother.
- And then it's Christmas, and then you go, "Green one! Tasty.
" Nice, you know, you know what you're dealing with, with green.
- And you just stuck them all in and it's - Sorry, you're not even How many are you throwing in there before you even register taste? A whole bunch, cos I think green's safe.
- It's good to be like those triangle ones.
- Green for go! Yeah, green for go! I mean, the thing is, though, that If they are starting out with Toblerone, where does it end? Do you know what I mean? Curly Wurlies, are they just going to be Wurlies? Do you know what I mean? After Eights, After Fours? Do you think they're just going to keep cutting it? AISLING: Do think it's Brexit, Rob? ROB: I don't know what it is.
But what does frustrate me a little bit They say it's not Brexit, though, don't they? But they're only doing it in the UK, though, aren't they? NISH: Yeah, they're only doing it in the UK, and the thing is, if it is Brexit, judging by the anger here, the Remain campaign, basically, they didn't need to bother with any of the sort of Project Fear stuff.
They could basically have just gone, "We're going to make chocolate smaller.
" And we would have stayed in Europe like that.
JOEY: Well, who cares? It's chocolate.
Who cares, man? ROISIN: It starts with the small things.
We don't care about chocolate, we don't care about Marmite, next thing, Trump's in.
LAUGHTER Well, let's have a look and see whether Toblerone getting smaller is up there.
Genuinely! When we polled, it was second most talked about thing.
Roisin, I don't even want to ask, cos that's right in front of you.
Could you eat a little bit less chocolate on the show? LAUGHTER Cos you're on telly, and you've had half a Toblerone.
LAUGHTER Honestly! You've genuinely You've just eaten half a Toblerone, so I don't want to be a dick - You can't You've got to chew it.
- I have.
LAUGHTER Eat as much as you want, but just, please chew it.
If you are going to defend your decision to eat half a Toblerone, swallow it before you start defending.
DROWNED BY LAUGHTER When she can't speak, her eyes get bigger! No, but she's doing She's doing the Trump face when she speaks.
That stuff is like drugs.
It's like catnip, but like Roisin-nip.
Guys, forget that! LAUGHTER Roisin-nip! OK, fingers on buzzers.
One more thing to get.
BUZZER Rob's team.
- The John Lewis advert.
- It's the new John Lewis advert.
That's the new one.
The Christmas one.
Genuinely, I think people are kind of You know, they're very heart-warming, these ads.
- Shall we take a look at this year's offering? - Yes! DOG PANTS INAUDIBLE # What more can your love do for me? When will love be through with me? DOG GROWLS DOG BARKS LAUGHTER One day I'll fly away.
APPLAUSE That is That is It's undeniably cute, but what the fuck has that got to do with me buying a toaster? LAUGHTER See, I don't find it cute.
I feel like that dog is just essentially watching a group of Sylvanian families have an orgy on a trampoline.
CATHY: I shed a tear in a kind of happy way, but a also kind of tired and emotional, it's been quite a long few days You shed a tear? For that? But they look like a lovely family, and they had all the animals invited to the trampoline.
And also, that dad put that trampoline up.
I mean Respect to him.
JOEY: How did they get the animals to do that? LAUGHTER - AISLING: No - Yeah, but how do they Obviously, like CATHY: I think that is a good question! JOEY: No, I'm saying, how do they get them animals to do it? - Are they real or fake? - How do you think? How do think they would get them to do it? Well, I don't know.
I mean, it seems real.
So, if they Cos it's like a film, isn't it? LAUGHTER It is like a film, yeah.
- So they're rather fake, yeah? - Yeah.
NISH: You're warm there, brother.
Or Or Or real, but they make them look fake.
Whoa! LAUGHTER He's bloody got it, Jimmy! NISH: Yeah.
Joey, please never watched the film Babe.
LAUGHTER Roisin? I I wasn't I'm not that into it.
I like the family.
ROB: What did it need? More chocolate? No, but the problem I have with it LAUGHTER I think it's rubbish because I think foxes are Like, you know, the CGI penguin, "Oh, it's a penguin!" Foxes, I see them in my bins, banging at three in the morning.
I don't want to see them I don't think it's cute.
But do you know, they've named them Cos they've got teddies of them, and they've called them, like, Otto and Just, like, really middle-class names.
Like, what are they getting out of your bins, harissa paste? LAUGHTER I like that it hasn't got, like, a ponce-ified version of a song.
So it's just a normal song about it being, like "It's a little bit funny," you knowand they do an English accent, or whatever.
Well, they do, I mean, it's a Randy Crawford classic - that they've changed - AISLING: Covered.
But it's not like, in that English sort of, Dickensian, like, What more could I do to fly away? like, you know, kind of way.
The way that Rob talks? I'll do, like, a Chas and Dave one.
So just slow it down.
You don't stop talking.
LAUGHTER You keep giving it that! LAUGHTER You're absolutely right, though, any song that you slow down that much, it kind of sounds, "Oh, yeah, Christmassy.
" My neck, my back.
LAUGHTER Lick my pussy and my crack.
- That's not a song! - That is a song.
# My neck, my back Lick my pussy and my crack.
That is a literal song.
-Give me my chocolate! -I'll have nightmares! LAUGHTER OK, let's see if the John Lewis advert's up there.
Yes! The new John Lewis advert.
The ad features a fox, a badger, a hedgehog and two squirrels.
Or as I like to call it, Mr Tinker's Christmas dinner.
LAUGHTER So those were the most popular talking points, but in other news, Honey G continues to steal the show on The X Factor.
Honey G has been accused of being a joke act, but that's what they said about Chico and Jedward, and look at where they are now Missing, presumed dead.
LAUGHTER And Tesco Bank was hit by online fraud.
I think they'll catch whoever did it when they try and pay for their weekly shop with a billion Clubcard points.
LAUGHTER So at the end of that round, Rob, Roisin and Cathy have one point, - Aisling, Joey and Nish have two points! - Oi, oi! That's it for part two.
See you after the break.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.
Aisling, Joey, Nish, what do you like the look of? Um, I'd like the man in the mirror, please, Jimmy.
OK.
So, most people would rather be more attractive than more intelligent.
True or false? What's the point in being intelligent? I'm not and I've done all right.
- What? - No, it's just Well, if you had to pick and choose, innit? So, would you rather be better looking or more intelligent? Pfff Better looking.
What's the point in being intelligent? If he does become intelligent, his career's over.
Oh, right, because you've got a watch, but you famously can't tell the time - is that just a showpiece watch, or what's the vibe? Well, I mean, watches are more for fashion, aren't they, really? - Of course they are, yeah.
- Tell me about it, brother! I think, Joey, actually, you're really clever and it's all part of a sort of clever act.
I am, I'm really clever.
I mean, I didn't do well in school academically, - I'm not going to lie - Really? No, but I am genuinely really clever.
People don't know that and that's why they always ain't laughing, cos they are taking me serious.
CATHY: I believe you, I believe you.
What do you think is your cleverest moment? - Just being an absolute G.
- Yeah, yeah.
Just being a legend, that's what I'm good at.
Everyone else out there, doing this, brushing their teeth, like an idiot, this guy No, Jimmy, it's like that.
Oh, it's just me? Rob just pulls up at the carwash, they think he's going to wash the car.
Get the roof off The truth is, you know, the noble thing to say, everyone wants to look good and go, "I want to be more intelligent," but I think the truth, deep down, you know, you can't instagram them brains.
I've never been sent a brain pic! Nobody's ever sent you a brain pic, have they? Like, "Word of the day!" Rob, what do you think will get you further in life, being good-looking or being intelligent? - I'll take either.
- Aww! Don't you say that, you absolute chancer! I think, you know, it might be boring being too attractive.
No, it's boring being too clever! You know everything - what's the point? You don't learn anything.
ROISIN: But space travel! But I ain't going to go into space.
You joking? I don't know, Joey, you went to the White House, mate, don't do yourself down.
I wouldn't be surprised if next week I turned on the TV and it was just you going, "Fucking hell, mate!" If you could design your own rocket, imagine, there's people out there who get out of bed and think, "I'll design a rocket, I reckon.
" Or the cure for cancer.
"I think I'll cure cancer today.
"Breakfast first, I'm not an animal.
" Um, I think different things Like, you say be more attractive, but different things make people attractive.
I remember what I found so attractive about my wife when we first started getting together, her parents were mortgage free.
So, in a way, it depends what your cup of tea is of attractiveness.
Cathy, would you go for looks or intelligence, if you were looking for a partner? Bookish but handsome.
What's a bookish? I've never heard the word bookish! - Someone who looks like - Have you, audience? - AUDIENCE: Yes! - I heard a few noes.
Someone who looks like they read a lot of books, they might go around carrying a book, maybe a pair of glasses on - Come on, I know you're joking about.
- No, no, genuinely! - Are you serious? - It is someone who likes books.
- Oh, my days! He's got a book! He's a published author! I've got a book.
Do you want my book? Did someone ghost write it, or did you write it? Obviously I didn't write it myself - come on, be serious.
So, what do you think, Aisling, would you rather be better looking, or would you rather be more intelligent? Oh, intelligent, because then I would trick people into bed with my keen knowledge of geography.
See what I mean? That's just not good intelligencing.
Oh, Joey! Good intelligencing? Do you think I could get people into bed by being intelligent? - Come on, man! - What? - But do you always go for a woman, based on her looks? - No.
- Or do you actually go for personality? - I go for personality.
Exactly, and personality is a sign of intelligence.
Obviously, looks are a bonus, don't get me wrong.
You're going for intelligence in the women in your life? Yeah, because then they can help me out.
I'd love to be clever, don't get me wrong, if I had a clever brain, I was born clever, don't get me wrong, that's it.
You know, it feels like we are in The Wizard of Oz now.
Does it? Has he got a brain? Is he clever? The Wizard of Oz? I didn't sit there and study this childhood film and go, "Yeah, OK, he ain't got a brain and he likes bricks" You know what I mean? Joey, I don't think you were giving this film your full attention.
OK, so let's get some answers on this.
What do you think, Aisling? I'm going to go with, call me crazy, the opposite of what Joey said and say false, people would rather people be more intelligent.
- What do you think, Rob? - We think true.
Well, I can tell you, the answer is false.
APPLAUSE Some people find intelligence really attractive, and we call those people ugly.
OK, Rob's team, what do you like the look of? Um, well, let's have a bit of Robbie Williams.
Robbie was in the news this week because he reportedly enlisted a healer to drive an evil spirit out of his new home, so we asked our studio audience Robbie does.
Otherwise it's really weird.
He's changed his tune a bit, getting rid of ghosts.
He made millions from Angels, didn't he? So, what do you think? Do people believe in ghosts? Joey does, because one wrote a book for him.
I actually do.
I don't believe in ghosts - I believe in spirits.
What, like Jager? What's Jager? - Jagermeister! - Oh! But you genuinely believe in ghosts? I don't believe in ghosts, man, I believe in spirits.
What's the difference? Well, I don't believe in Casper, but I believe in I believe in, like, there might be a spirit around me now, you know what I mean? Like, this is a sign of protection.
I think it's a sign you've been to Argos.
I think you're superstitious.
I'm a bit superstitious, I have to take a special pen into the studio every night and it's not this one.
You have to take a special pen in? I'm a little bit OCD, so it's kind of my safety blanket.
- But I forgot it tonight.
- I have that, I feel that.
There's something more than what we realise, Jimmy.
You're right, there is something out there, guys, like Like my friend Henry VIII here always says .
.
if there weren't ghosts, why would there be ghost tours? Roisin, do you believe in ghosts, spirits, anything like that? No, but I did once Not believe in ghosts, but I've done that stuff as a teenager when you go like, "Oh, if you can hear me" - You know, like, sort of seances.
- Ouija board, sort of thing? Yeah, but we didn't have enough money for that, just Scrabble.
Spooky - Scrabble with the lights out! Why did ghosts always just turn up in, like, creepy old buildings and castles? They're never, like, in Matalan or I wouldn't want to be a ghost.
Late nights, and you're cold, ain't you? I'm actually a ghost and I'm finding this really offensive.
"We've got a poltergeist!" "What's it doing?" "Eating all the chocolate.
" GIVE ME MY FOOD! I thought we had a poltergeist in our house.
We first moved house and stuff kept on moving, but it worked out it was my mother-in-law coming round, poking her nose in while we were out.
Keeps moving lamps! You've got your own house, move the lamps in your house! It can't go on.
That's just Grand Designs! OK, we asked our studio audience What do you think? - Nah.
- No, I don't think they do, do they? OK, so what do you think? Do you think people believe in ghosts? - Um, yes, definitely.
- Yes.
- You're saying yes, you're saying no.
- No, no.
- OK, well, I can tell you, the answer is no APPLAUSE Are ghosts real? Well, on the one hand, you've got scientists like Richard Dawkins and Stephen Hawking saying no.
On the other, you've got Derek Acorah and Mystic Meg.
I don't know who to believe! So, at the end of that round, two points for Rob's team, three points for Aisling's team.
APPLAUSE And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
BUZZER What do you think? That's flaccid! I think the best way to compliment a man is the same way as you give him bad news.
You've got to sort of bamboozle them, so, just be unbuttoning - Whatever you're about to say, just be unbuttoning.
- Like a Russian doll.
- Like a Russian doll! - Just get one after the other.
Honestly, absolute game changer.
NISH: That definitely doesn't work the other way round.
There's no way you could compliment a woman being like, "Hey, I quite like the look of your fat" Whoa, what are you doing? - So, Cathy.
- Yes? - What's the best compliment you ever given a man? Well, I suppose if you tell a man he's really funny, - they always like that.
- Tell him he's funny is number three on the list.
- Is it? - Yeah, of things that guys like to hear.
I'm nearly there, then.
Cathy, do you ever do that thing, kind of like, "News just in - you are about to get banged.
" Oh, I would do it all the time.
The worst compliment I ever had was I got complimented for having a nice eye.
Singular! And then I went, "Oh, don't you mean eyes?" He went, "No.
" Oh, my God.
Which one? Let's have a look.
Listen, I'm not into that much self abuse, I didn't go, "Which one do you like, man? "Tell me, I'll make the other one nice!" OK, best way to compliment a man? It's weird, though, with compliments, because some things are complimentary in some cultures and some aren't.
So, burping can be rude, but in some countries it is a sign of a good meal.
In Thailand, showing the soles of your feet is offensive, but firing ping-pong balls out your fanny is fine.
And if anything, showing your feet would probably help firing 'em! Do you know what, I've really got your meaning here already.
It's much harder to do that! ROB: Is it just to roll over and go to sleep? No, the opposite of that.
- You're the best I've ever had.
- We'll give it to you, - the best way to compliment a man is to tell him he's good in bed.
- Oh! Yes, the best way to compliment a man is to tell him he's good in bed.
When it comes to sex, I pride myself on making sure any woman I'm with has the most satisfying and fulfilling seven seconds of her life.
END-OF-ROUND KLAXON That sound means it's the end of the round and the end of the show, so the final scoresare Rob, Roisin and Cathy have two points, Aisling, Joey and Nish have won with four points! Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you watching at home.
That's it from us, goodnight.