8 Out Of 10 Cats (2005) s20e03 Episode Script

Fred Siriex, Thomas Turgoose, Sara Pascoe, Desiree Burch

1 This programme contains strong language and adult humour APPLAUSE Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Love at first sight, it's Fred Sirieix! She's having a laugh, it's Sara Pascoe! And their team captain, Aisling Bea! And facing them tonight, This Is England's finest, it's Thomas Turgoose! She's an American scream, it's Desiree Burch! And their team captain, Rob Beckett! Now welcome your host, Jimmy Carr! CHEERING AND APPLAUSE Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats a show about opinion polls, surveys and statistics.
Did you know, for example, 7% of drivers have gone to court over a speeding incident? It happened to me.
I tried to explain, yes, I was speeding at one point, but, to be fair, hitting those pensioners slowed me right down.
LAUGHTER 5% of people have worn the same pair of jeans for the last ten years.
And we call those people dads.
LAUGHTER And 43% of British women don't get enough sleep.
Well, ladies, trust me, if you go to bed with me, you will.
LAUGHTER Right, let's get started.
CHEERING AND APPLAUSE What Are You Talking About? That's the name of our first round.
It's our panellist' job to guess the public's top three most popular talking points.
Rob's team, what have the nation been talking about this week? - Trump, again.
- You think? - I think this is a glimpse into the next four years.
- Yeah.
- Depressingly.
- Apparently, he's calming down a bit.
It's not as bad.
I think that's the general vibe.
He's stopped the ban on Muslims.
It's not going to happen.
And the wall's a little bit, you know, more fence-y.
LAUGHTER Andthen you sort of go, "He's calmed down.
What has he done?" "Oh, just appointed a white supremacist as his right-hand man.
" "Oh, good, thank God.
I thought he was going to do something racist.
" LAUGHTER I think the whole thing about the fence is going to be really funny, you know, because, you know, it was a wall at some point, and we already have some walls.
You know, then it's going to be a fence in some parts, then it's going to be barbed wire in some parts, a dog in other parts, a "keep off the grass" sign LAUGHTER I sort of think, though, like, he said he wants to keep Obamacare and still do the wall, but it's going to be expensive.
Why doesn't he just build one really long hospital? LAUGHTER And just put that on the border? - You know he'd build it on the wrong side, though.
- Yeah.
Oh, no! What a racist! I can't believe how he's getting away with saying these things.
Like, it's just insane, some of the things that he says and what he says he's going to do.
He's in his 70s.
My dad's in his 70s.
I'd never let him run a country unless LAUGHTER .
.
unless my mum was with him all the time.
LAUGHTER She'll say, "Come on, Dave.
" Talk to him - "Stop eating cake and crack on with the job.
" LAUGHTER AISLING: It does feel like every time When you look at what 2016 has given us - Donald Trump got elected, it feels like the world is at war, the refugee crisis is escalating, Mary Berry is off Bake Off, Fred! They've changed the size of Toblerones, Fred! It feels like, 2016, what have you got left for us? We've one month left.
Will Postman Pat come out as a paedophile? LAUGHTER - The things his cat would have seen! - LAUGHTER APPLAUSE Watching the news at the moment, and I finally understand watching football.
Cos night after night I feel I'm watching like this, going, "Oh, come on! Get off.
Get off the news!" LAUGHTER Sara, what do you make of Donald Trump? Um, I find that the right in America seem to be so contradictory.
So one hand they are very pro-life, and so that's very tricky in terms of women's reproductive rights.
And on the other side they are talking about pro-gun laws and supporting that.
And I feel like if we just called maybe fatal shootings very late-term abortions LAUGHTER .
.
we could solve this.
Like, how can it be that you are allowed to kill an intruder in your house but not evacuate one from your womb? Pick a team! It's one or the other.
The tenth call he made was to Theresa May and everyone's questioning that.
And if we want his attention, we need a pussy he wants to grab.
And I think we should pretend that Kelly Brook is Prime Minister just to entice him, not let him near her.
I'll kick his head in if he touches her.
- But just to get him interested.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Are you saying that instead of phoning Number 10, it should be some sort of chatline first LAUGHTER .
.
just to kind of? "Hi.
" Imagine being Theresa May and being, like, her age and getting to the top of her game, and she's still "Ladies, waiting for some jackass to call?" He's called ten other people and eventually at the end of the night around 4am, she gets this text from Donald Trump going, "Bey, you still up?" And she's like, "How do I get myself in these situations?" She definitely texted back, "Who dis?" Like she did not know! LAUGHTER Why was that a snub, though? She was the tenth.
Do you know how hard it is to be a ten in Donald Trump's book? You have to be 50 years younger than she's already! So, Piers Morgan thinks there is one man in Britain who has the answers on Trump.
Take a look.
How much influence, given that you know him so well, how much influence do you think you can actually have on him in relation to our interests here? Well, that depends on my position.
The press stories this morning, that they would talk to me ahead of the British government, that's nonsense, obviously.
That is nonsense.
- But - They met you ahead of the British government.
Yeah, look, I As I say, common sense says that I should be useful somehow to this country in getting that relationship with America back to where it should be.
Yeah, Nigel Farage there saying, "I SHOULD be of some use.
" LAUGHTER It is brilliant that Nigel Farage is a total idiot and he can be there and he can say all these things.
Ridicule doesn't kill.
So he's going to keep carrying on and he's going to get there.
It's no use you saying terrible things about Nigel Farage.
He wouldn't like you anyway.
LAUGHTER What I found quite interesting was people are really worried about his role in America and his burgeoning relationship with Donald Trump.
People are like, "Oh, God, should we be using Nigel Farage "to be in touch with Donald Trump?" Yes, the law of the forest is, if you come across what you think is a poo in the forest, you don't use your finger to touch it.
You use a shit stick.
And Nigel Farage is our shit stick for going to talk to Donald Trump.
He is.
LAUGHTER I think The hypocrisy has been amazing, because a lot of British politicians said terrible things before Trump was elected, and now they've changed their tune.
So take a look at Boris Johnson last year talking about Donald Trump.
I think Donald Trump is clearly out of his mind.
I think he's portraying a quite stupefying ignorance that makes him, frankly, unfit to hold the office of President of the United states.
Here he is now.
There's a lot to be positive about.
It's very important not to prejudge the president-elect.
LAUGHTER I think they all have shares in Teflon.
- You know, the pans that don't stick? - Yeah.
Farage, Trump, Boris Johnson, Michael Gove You know, they are all in the same bag.
They're unbelievable.
Do you know, the only person who stood their ground the entire time was Nicola Sturgeon? She's amazing.
She came out in Parliament, she said, "I'm not there to go "back on what I said, because he was awful at the time, "and that wouldn't be the sort of person I am.
" That's what we need running this country - a good Scottish woman.
Every time she speaks, it's amazing.
I feel like she's on the top of a hill, with, like, all kilt, no knickers.
She's like giving birth to a bagpipe, not a tear in her eye, just going, "You can chain the purse, "you can grab our pussies, "but you'll never take our freedom!" LAUGHTER Thomas, what do you make of Donald Trump? The whole Donald Trump thing? I don't know.
It's a weird one for me because I'm a 23-year-old lad, so, I mean 24, actually.
Shit, I'm getting old.
LAUGHTER It doesn't really affect my day-to-day life.
I mean, I just play Xbox all day and then go to the pub at night.
So unless he shuts down Wetherspoon's, he can do what he wants.
LAUGHTER APPLAUSE DROWNS OUT WORDS Let's have a look and see if Donald Trump is one of the most talked about things.
Of course.
Yes, it's Donald Trump, president-elect.
Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson said there was a lot to be positive about following Trump's victory.
Yeah, especially if you're a big fan of sexual assault and racism.
Aisling, Fred, Sara, what else do you think the nation has been talking about this week? We think Jeremy Clarkson is in the news again, because old Top Gear's back.
No, don't call You mustn't call it Top Gear.
Sorry, it's not Top Gear any more.
It's now called - The Grand Tour.
- The Grand Tour.
- I like Clarkson.
- I like Clarkson.
- Oh We've got so much in common.
We should go on a d LAUGHTER OK.
Here are some of the scenes from the new series of The Grand Tour.
Game Of Thrones set.
GUNFIRE There's no point shooting at his petrol tank.
Petrol only blows up in films.
What a APPLAUSE I mean, that looks, to me It looks like Last Of The Summer Wine, about an episode where they win the lottery.
It's a bit strange, innit? It's like they've turned him into, like, a fat, grey James Bond sort LAUGHTER They've gone rogue now, haven't they? Cos they're not on the BBC, so they've got no-one to answer to.
They're just letting them get on with it.
It's like when your mum lets you do your own bowl of ice cream.
- You just take absolutely - You take the piss.
It's insane.
They've just got an unlimited amount of money now to do what they want.
- Yeah.
- But look at him.
But what's happened to Hammond? He looks like David Brent with a wasting disease, doesn't he? LAUGHTER Doing a bit of a dance.
# Uh uh-uh-uh uh-uh # And the other thing that's really interesting about this new show is it's on Amazon Prime.
- Do you pay for it like you do Netflix? - No, you just I just illegally stream all my shit.
LAUGHTER I tell you what I illegally streamed recently.
- You know that This Is England thing? Oh - Dickhead.
LAUGHTER - Someone sat here - Yeah, I mean, literally, that's your job.
Well, I was only joking.
LAUGHTER Thomas, I want to ask you a question.
I feel like tonight maybe could be like a version of Mamma Mia!, - where you've come to find who your real dad is.
- Hm.
And I think I know.
Oh, God, here we go.
- Go on.
- I think he looks like Rob, - like he looks like your illegitimate son.
- Oh, my God! That's the nicest thing you could ever have ALL: Aww! If I look like this when I'm his age, I'll be very happy.
Sweet.
You know what the weird thing is? It looks like a before and after.
I can't tell which is which.
I can't tell what they're trying to achieve here.
Desiree, what do you make of Jeremy Clarkson? Are you familiar with the show? Um Well, my British boyfriend is.
He loves it.
I'm just kind of like, "Oh, so they're like racist white guys who like cars? "Awesome(!)" I think, though, I don't want to spoil it for you, but I think I've not seen this new series, but I think what's going to happen is they're probably going to buy three shit cars, do 'em up, blow 'em up, and then that's it.
- Yeah.
- I think there's more to it to it.
That's unfair.
- They'll probably blow up a caravan.
- Caravan as well, yes.
I'm in the new season as well.
I did a bit.
But no I had to go I had to go and drive a Jet Ski very fast.
It looks like the opening credits of The Apprentice! LAUGHTER It was fine.
The thing The thing you notice about the new series is the budget has gone I mean, they sent a helicopter.
- What, to pick you up? - Yeah.
They said, "Do you want to come and do the show?" And I went, "Oh, brilliant, where are we filming?" Cos obviously they film it around the world.
They've been in South Africa, Australia I went, "Where are we filming? This is going to be amazing.
" They said, "Whitby.
" LAUGHTER Do you have to enjoy cars or drive? Cos I can't drive.
When you say you can't drive, that's the kind of thing Clarkson would say, you realise that? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Because of these guys and this guy.
LAUGHTER "This guy"? This guy.
Old Frankie over here.
LAUGHTER I don't call it Frankie.
I call it Fred.
LAUGHTER - Yeah.
- How come you can't drive? - I just never have.
It's just never happened.
I get Ubers everywhere.
- Uber have totally ruined the whole black cab industry.
- They have.
I just stand at the side of the road and get a black taxi.
- It's loads easier.
- That's what I do.
My dad's a black cab driver.
So if I got an Uber he would break my legs.
LAUGHTER Uber is massive in the States.
It started Yeah, I know.
Every town has an Uber.
Although it's pretty massive here.
- Grimsby hasn't got Uber, where I'm from.
- Grimsby's not got Wi-Fi.
- LAUGHTER - It's got one taxi.
We've haven't got time to list the things that Grimsby doesn't have.
- I tell you what it has, though - Xbox and a Wetherspoon's.
Innit? - Whoo! LAUGHTER Well, I can tell you, The Grand Tour is not one of the most talked about things.
But in The Grand Tour there are car stunts and challenges, like normal, but the most dangerous part is when someone offers Clarkson a salad.
That's it for part one.
See you after the break.
CHEERING Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
We're still trying to guess the nation's most popular talking points.
OK, fingers on buzzers.
- BUZZ! Aisling? - You think you know, Sara? - Oh, I was going to say, you know the supermoon? - The supermoon? - The supermoon brought on my period.
- LAUGHTER A week and a half early! A week and a half early! - And I'm usually late.
- AISLING WHISTLES - I got a nose bleed as well - do you reckon it's connected? - Yes! - LAUGHTER - Of course it's connected! - What else could it be? - That is an incredible photo, isn't it? - Yeah.
I mean, there were so many good photos! There's this one as well.
- Aisling, did you take this one? - Yeah, it's weird, isn't it? LAUGHTER I didn't know I was a photographer - or a scientist for that matter! - until I captured this, just in my back garden on my phone, and I sent it to National Geographic and they haven't come back to me yet, but, um - They've probably got their period.
- LAUGHTER I think your picture is a picture of a streetlight.
LAUGHTER - That's a streetlight behind a tree.
- Let me put my glasses on.
That's I mean, that's You know what I've gone and done? I've taken a picture of a streetlight! I have! - Desiree, did you? - No, I mean, I completely forgot it was happening.
I think I'd had a week full of big white things that were - actually orange and I just didn't - LAUGHTER - I was kind of overwhelmed.
- That's a very good choice! - Yeah.
In America, we don't have supermoons any more.
They're just tremendous! Tremendous moons! They're shown bigly! They're tremendous! They're very good! I don't know, it was I totally forgot about it.
A friend of mine spoke about it when we was working and he said - Is it 14% closer to the Earth? Is that it? - I think it was, yeah.
Yeah, so he mentioned about it and I was like, "Buzzing! I'll go outside and I'll have a look at that!" And I said to the missus, "Come on, we'll have a look at it!" I got to the door, opened it, and I expected it to be at my door, - like with - LAUGHTER DROWNS HIM OU - I expected to - Reach out and grab some cheese, yeah! I expected to see ET riding past it or something, instead of just open the door and it was just a tiny bit brighter than it normally was.
I was like, "Oh!" But it's always, whenever they say something's going on up there and you go, "You've gotta look at it, it's supermoon tonight!" "No, it's a bit cloudy!" "Aw, brilliant!" Or, "It's an eclipse!" "Actually, don't look at it.
"Look at the reflection of the car window.
" "Oh, leave it out!" "Oh, there's gonna be an asteroid!" "Oh, when?" "3am.
" "Fuck off!" LAUGHTER Shall we half a look and see if the supermoon's up there? - SARA: Yey! - Yeah, everyone's talking about the supermoon.
The moon hasn't been this close to Earth since 1948, but hey, Earth, if you really like the moon, you should've done what Saturn did and put a ring on it! LAUGHTER LAUGHTER CONTINUES OK, fingers on buzzers, one more thing to get.
What else have the nation been talking about? BUZZ! Rob? Um, I'm A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here? - Yes! - Yes! - They've been talking about that.
- Well, it's been huge! - It's good, innit? - It's always good! I don't think, er, Wayne Bridge knows what's going on.
- LAUGHTER - He's just like that You realise, Rob, that's how you normally look? My favourite is Jordan Banjo.
"I'm just Jordan Banjo, look, I'm gonna do some cooking!" "A bloody squid's come down! I've got to cook all this for Snowdon! LAUGHTER "Jordan Banjo!" That would've worked if he keeps on saying his name, because, really - "Bloody blow me!" - No, no.
- I like him, though.
He's nice, in't he? Um, if anyone wants any gossip - Yes, please, Sara! - .
.
I am really excited about this series of I'm A Celebrity, because I've got off with someone who's in it.
Oh! So have I got off with someone who's in it! LAUGHTER We have to check if this is the same person.
- Sara, who did you? - OK, say it at the same time.
- On the count of three.
- BOTH: One, two, three BOTH: Carol Vorderman! LAUGHTER - It's not Carol Vorderman? - It's not, no.
Um - Who did you, genuinely? - It must be - It's Joel.
- .
.
Joel! Let's have a look at Joel Dommett in the jungle.
- Is anyone allowed to touch the stick, Joel? - Absolutely, Carol.
- No, I don't think you are.
- You can touch the stick.
- Such a sturdy shaft! - THEY LAUGH Don't! HE WHISPERS: Maybe like a vicar? - Just like me.
- SHE SNORTS LAUGHTER - I can't believe it! - We are - Are you both OK with him flirting with Carol? - I'm fine about it.
- He's using the same chat-up lines.
- Pfft! That's exactly - I thought I was special! - He came at you with a giant log as well? Is it a giant log that interests women? Cos go to my dressing room and you'll see one.
LAUGHTER - Eugh! Eugh! - He's all class, that boy, all class! I can't believe he's going to get with Vorderman! I know, I really hope that he does, and I adore her, - so I'd be really happy for them.
- She gets fitter with age, I think.
- Yeah.
- Mm-hm, beautiful.
- How old is she? - I don't know.
- 56.
- 56? - Yeah.
And she's a lot fitter than my 24-year-old missus.
LOUD GASPS - DESIREE: She won't be your missus when you get home! - Yeah, she won't! She'll be gone.
I'm going to get home and the locks'll be changed! - I'll tell you who MIGHT be at your house - Carol Vorderman! - Yeah! - LAUGHTER - Whoo! The thing is, though, she ate a cow's anus in front of 10 million people and it's like the best entertainment on telly, right? - Yes.
- I did it in front of one farmer and he lost it! LAUGHTER Let's have a look at Carol Vorderman and Scarlett Moffatt doing an eating challenge.
- You've got a whole brain loaf.
- CAROL: Eugh! STUDIO AUDIENCE GROANS Is it meaty? No! It's gaggy! That is a cow's anus! Chew it really well! Really well! STUDIO AUDIENCE LAUGHS Good faces! Good faces, Scarlett! - Eugh! - We really know what you're going through! I mean, come on! I mean, I think this depends how they're cooked! - It depends how they're cooked? - How they're cooked.
Because, when you have a roast chicken, for example, one of the best parts is the ass! - LAUGHTER - Wow! - Just eat it.
- It's so succulent and greasy, it's nice.
.
- Oh, my God, Fred, stop! I took the chef of my restaurant and the team to my parents' place and my dad, in the morning, cooked some lambs' bollocks - LAUGHTER - .
.
at six in the morning.
- Hmm! And it's so good! You know, with a bit of parsley, garlic, some butter! Yeah, even hearing Fred describe lambs' bollocks as so joyful - LAUGHTER - I'm so glad that's what you heard.
- Cos what I heard was, like, "Baa! Save me!" - Aw! You're a vegan! How do you find it? I mean, you're a vegan, right? - Yeah.
- Oh! - But one of the fun ones! - But you ARE one of the fun ones! But it's a weird thing on the show, cos they get in trouble every year, - cos they go, "You're being mean to insects!" - Yeah.
- And people at home - eating chicken are going, "They can't do that to an insect!" - I know! But I think, if they want to watch people eat gross things, they should get vegans on there! Have you seen fakon?! - LAUGHTER - If fakon is fake bacon? - It makes Fakon - isn't he a geezer out of Oliver Twist? LAUGHTER Aren't you one of the kids out of Oliver Twist? " # Pick a pocket or two# Not that shit bit of bacon!" LAUGHTER Let's have a look and see if I'm A Celebrity's up there.
Yes, it's I'm A Celebrity! APPLAUSE In the jungle this year are celebrities Adam Thomas, Sam Quek and Jordan Banjo.
Let's just say, on launch night, Google had to lay on extra staff.
LAUGHTER So, at the end of that round, Rob, Desiree and Thomas have 2 points, Aisling, Fred and Sara have 1 point! That's it for part two - see you after the break! Welcome back to 8 Out Of 10 Cats.
Our next round is Pick of the Polls.
Aisling, Fred, Sara, what do you like the look of? Oh! Look who it is! Fred Sirieix.
Fred Sirieix from First Dates.
There he is.
So, here's your related question.
What do you? I mean, you've seen it all, Freddie.
I think it's about both.
- What? Drinking too much and talking about an ex? - Yeah.
The more you drink, the more you talk about your ex.
- The drinking thing is dangerous because sometimes you sit down and it's on a first date with someone and you're thinking, "OK, I don't like him.
He's shouting a bit.
"I don't like his opinion about that.
" And then you have a glass of wine, and you're like, "Eeh.
" - Seems fine.
- I've had a wine! Shall we take a look at First Dates? I think this girl might have had one too many drinks.
- Right.
Do you know what? - House.
I like my house.
I love my house music.
We're going to get on like a fucking house on fire.
House music.
I love a bit of R&B.
Yeah, but can you cut shapes though? Woo! What? You're just going to be two-stepping? Pretend you've got your aviators on? No, mate.
I can cut it up.
How can you be sitting there throwing shapes to nothing? Or have you got a song in your head? - # Because you're right on time.
- # SHE MUMBLES Where we going? A bit of house scene? In the night, baby.
Who's house? Give up the vibe, baby.
As far as for relationship and whatever else, probably not.
To be continued.
So good.
It would just be one of them, wouldn't it? If the girl does that to you on a date, you're just like You haven't seen the show, have you? - No.
- So, it's your first time you've been exposed to.
It's so good.
They've got so many different people, from so many genders and ages and backgrounds.
- All the genders.
- All the genders.
We've just opened a hotel, actually.
- The First Date Hotel.
- What you mean a hotel? Do you mean so like you're encouraging them to have sex - on the first date? - No, no, no, no.
- Why you having a hotel? Because it gives people more opportunity to meet and they have more time to get to know each other.
To shag each other's brains out, mate.
Do you get girls on dates going up to you and go - I'd rather have you.
- Yeah.
All the time.
I'm not surprised.
That's why he's on the show.
That's why he got the hotel.
Doing that with his key cards.
OK, let's get back to the question on this.
So Desiree, what do you think? I feel like the ex thing is going to be way worse than the getting drunk thing.
I feel like half of first dates are about getting drunk.
Like you walk in there and you see the Person, you're like, "Nope.
"Let's to this.
That's do this, let's get it out the door.
" Friends I've dated, first dates I've screwed, and people I'm never seeing again.
So, like, if I walk in there and I'm just kind of like, you know You know in the first Less than a minute where it's going.
Do you know how I know, straight away? Like, forget about exes or drinking.
If you go for a curry, and the five poppadums comes out, - and they just crush it down the middle.
- Oh, pisses me off.
Get out.
So, if they crush the poppadums "Oh, let's just crush them and share them.
" Yeah, yeah, yeah, why don't you fuck off, and I'll eat my poppadums? What's the problem with crushing the? OK.
Worst thing that's ever happened to you on a date? Once I went out with a guy and he didn't tell me he had a girlfriend, so I found out when I woke up in his house and he'd gone to work and she let herself in.
And I was only wearing tights because he had a thing about tights.
It's a good thing to sort of bring up.
- I'm not into that.
- So, genuinely he didn't mention - No! Also, on a first date to go straight in to tight fetish.
He's full-on, isn't he? He's not messing about.
He says, "What I like, when I like, are you up for it?" Bosh.
- Rob, worst thing on a date? - Oh.
- Oh, this is bad though.
- Yeah, go on.
Basically, in the morning I shit myself.
- Whoa! - So, what I did was Just my pants, but luckily it didn't go anywhere like on the bed or anything.
It was just in the pants.
So, basically I got my pants and put them in a plastic bag and then I went and had a shower and I thought, what I'll do is I'll just pick the plastic bag up and drop it in a street bin.
- Yeah, great.
- Classic.
Did not remember to pick up the plastic bag.
I just thought what can I do here? So, I text and said, "There's a bag on your bed.
"Pick it up, put it in a street bin and never look in it.
" LAUGHTER And then she text back going, "I did it.
"And I did look in at.
" LAUGHTER - Never trust a fart.
- Never trust a fart.
- I feel like that's not going to be one of your opening monologues on First Dates.
"But as I always say, never trust a fart.
" So, Aisling, let's get towards an answer on this.
So, a talk about an ex or drink too much? What do you reckon it would be? I think I'm going to let the expert decide.
So, which do you think it is? Which is worse? - Maybe drinking too much.
- We're going for drinking too much.
So, you think drinking too much.
Sara, what would you? I think it's the exact opposite.
I think talking about an ex is worse.
I'm going to I have to agree with Sara.
- Desole, mon ami.
- C'est pas grave.
- Ah, alors.
Just said, "Brexit means Brexit.
" - What do you think, Rob? - I think maybe drinking too much.
It depends what you're like when you're drunk, though.
Because some people can just like Like, my brother he drinks a lot, but he'll just fall asleep.
No matter where he is.
But then me, when I'm drunk, I'm one of those people that people have to come up to go, "Right, home time, now.
I think you should go home.
" - I think it's the ex thing still.
- I think ex is worse.
- It is way worse.
If your brother is the one that gets drunk and falls sleep, I'm just going to take his wallet.
That was a great date.
That was an excellent date.
Perfectly.
I'm up when I leave.
OK, so you think talking about your ex.
- Yeah, for sure.
- You think talking about your ex? - I think talking about your ex is a lot worse.
- Yeah.
Cool.
We're going to go for drinking.
- Just cause I can.
- He's in charge.
It's gone to his head.
So, you've gone drink, you've gone ex.
OK.
Well, I can tell you the worst thing you can do on a date is talk about your ex.
Yes, the worst thing you can do on a date is talk about your ex.
That's why when I'm on a first date, I always just complain about my current girlfriend.
OK, Rob's team, what do you like the look of? Phone.
The boy on a phone.
Boy on a phone.
OK.
A study has recently found that the majority of kids in this country spent two hours each day glued to their mobile phones.
So, we asked our studio audience tonight I don't think I could.
- You sort of need a phone nowadays in a way.
- Yeah.
My phone broke the other week and I had to check my e-mails by loading up my computer.
It was sick.
You need your phone nowadays.
Well, I mean my boyfriend does IT.
Like you know he creates like apps and does all that.
So, I can't live without all of you guys having a smartphone because he pays the rent.
So I get panicked when You know when you're on your iPhone and all the apps start wobbling.
I just panic.
And then you press the wrong thing and it goes, do you want to delete YouTube and all it's contents? You're like, "Oh, I don't know.
Should I? "It's a lot of videos.
"A lot of people will be furious.
"That sneezing panda's going to have the right hump.
" - It freaks me out when I see like a baby who can just use an iPhone.
You know, they're like SHE MAKES BABY NOISES I feel like we're like a year away from baby Tinder.
Where there's just like babies picking out babies - to go on play dates.
- Oh! - And they're like, "Meh.
Meh.
Meh.
" It's mad.
My four-year-old little brother can pick up an iPad and like he can just go bang, bang, bang, bang.
Is he the one that goes to sleep when he gets too pissed? LAUGHTER DROWNS SPEECH You must get in the way though on dates.
Do you find that people have a phone on the table? Do you find that's a bad thing? Even in my restaurant sometimes, I see people, all families.
You know, five, six people.
And they are all on their phones.
- Yeah.
- All the date? Is it in Norfolk? We got my mum like a camera phone thing.
She didn't know how to use it.
She thought she had to look through that to take a photo.
So, she's been like With a flash on, the first week 50 photos of her retina.
But I'm addicted to Candy Crush.
You know the game on the iPhone, that silly game? Basically what it does is, when you run out of lives, you have to pay for lives.
But I refuse to pay for lives.
- You can cheat it by just moving your - Your date and your time.
Your date and your time along a bit.
So, I do that.
So, I've never paid for a game, but I'm in 2026, mate.
My diary's all over the place.
- Does that seriously work? You can just move the - Yeah.
This is a game changer! Literally change that game for me.
It's not like you to pay for something, Jim.
OK, so let's get some answers on this.
So, what do you think? What do you think our audience said? I think they couldn't, but they'll pretend they could and say yes.
Everyone lies to themselves, like, I'm one of the interesting people.
I mean, I'd use it because everyone's got one, but It's like those people who go, "I don't have a telly.
" Oh, fuck off then.
You know what? None of them are watching.
OK, so what are you going to go for? - Do you think can live without their smartphones? - I think no.
- I don't think they can live without them.
- No.
- So, you're saying no.
I'm going to go with Sara again and say yes.
- I think people say it to seem interesting.
- OK.
All right.
Well, I can tell you it's extremely close, but the answer is yes.
52% of our audience can live without their smartphone.
You are all lying to yourself.
I could absolutely live without a smartphone.
All I need is a landline, that's portable, with Wi-Fi and Facebook and games and my diary and Grindr.
LAUGHTER So, at the end of that round it's two points for Rob's team and three points for Aisling's team.
And The Winner Is is the name of our final round.
Here's your question.
Biggest teenage regret.
BUZZER Pregnancy.
That I mean, it's not, but it should be, shouldn't it? Thomas, as a teenager, you were in This Is England.
You became a film star very early on.
Yeah, huge regret.
Gutted.
How did that affect your teenage years? Did you do normal teenage things did you just go, "I'm a film star, don't worry about it.
" No, no, never.
Cos my dad would have knocked me out if I had that attitude.
How old were you when you were in This Is England? 13.
I was 14 when it came out.
But then, no, as soon as it finished, I went back to school.
- How did you manage to go to school? Well, I When I was younger, I was never in school because I was From Grimsby.
So come yeah, I was never in school.
But then after I did This Is England, I sort of got my head screwed on a little bit and then I went back to do years 10 and 11.
Had you done any of the years leading up to years 10 and 11? I'd put in about two days.
Right.
I imagine it was a huge surprise to you.
World War II? What happened in World War I? What's going on? Fred, what were you like as a teenager? - A bit wild.
- You were wild.
What was the wildest thing you ever did? Oh, just Just partying.
You know, at catering college, we had boarding school and we used to sneak in to the school and go and steal the food inside the kitchen.
And have a party, comeback with lots of camembert and stuff.
- LAUGHTER - What? This is honestly This is honestly the equivalent of me going, "I love potatoes.
"Potatoes, potatoes, potatoes.
" FRENCH ACCENT: "We stole camembert "and we went crazy at catering college" Your definition of wild is so different.
FRENCH ACCENT: "I was a wild child.
We raided the tuck shop.
" Wild! I feel like my biggest regret is like not developing a YouTube channel where I make fun of people who do nothing and being a millionaire by now.
Where did you have your teenage years? Because are you out of New York, or? No, I grew up in Southern California.
So, like, I was just like Everybody was just like blonde and pretty, and like, I was fat with Eric Cartman face and like glasses, studying Being like, "One day they're all going to pay!" And like, nobody's paid.
- What is this thing about these people calling themselves a YouTuber, and Instagrammer, a Tweeterer, a Facebooker? The other day I got an e-mail for work and this girl said, "I'm an Instagrammer, "I've got 30 Instagrammer friends and we want to come and have dinner.
"Can we have a table?" I said, "Yeah, you can come.
You can book.
" But they don't want.
They want it for free.
- How much are your chips? - Six pounds.
- Six quid for some chips? - Oh, Fred, Fred, Fred.
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
Hold him back.
Hold him back.
Grimsby.
He's from Grimsby.
Six quid for some chips? - Yeah.
But they're good.
- How do you sleep at night charging six pounds for chips? He's genuinely furious.
- Genuinely.
Genuinely thinks it.
- How do you sleep at night? FRENCH ACCENT: "In my hotel.
" OK, Rob.
Biggest teenage regret.
What do you think? Biggest teenage regret, nu metal or curtains.
The curtains haircut.
Fat, braces and asthma.
The triple threat.
You had braces? Yeah, imagine these before they got under control.
Oh, wow! I'm just thinking of the - Was it the same people that did HS2? - Well How many guys were on the job? Well, I don't know, but they are in charge of the wall in America.
OK.
Aisling, biggest teenage regret? What do you think? I'd say fashion mistake.
Must be a fashion mistake.
What was your worst fashion faux pas in your teenage years? I have bleached blonde hair for ten years.
- Orangey bleached blonde hair.
- Did you? - Yeah.
We've actually got a photo.
No, you don't.
Really? No, you don't.
You really don't, do you? No, of course we don't.
OK, so biggest teenage regret.
It's less to do with you, it's more to do with other people.
Oh.
Steal a car.
- What were you obsessed with? - Samantha Fox.
- I was obsessed with Samantha Fox.
- Samantha Fox.
Turns out you are barking up the wrong tree there, but God bless you.
Is it caring too much about what other people think of you? - That's exactly the right answer.
- Yay! - Finally! Yes, the biggest teenage regret is worrying about other people's opinions.
I never worry about what people think of me.
If I did, I'd probably dye my hair every week and have my teeth painted white.
BUZZER Well, that sound tells me it's the end of the round and the end of the show.
Which means the final scores are Rob, Desiree and Thomas have two points, but the winners tonight, Aisling, Fred and Sara with four points.
CHEERING Thanks to all our panellists, our wonderful studio audience and to all of you for watching at home.
That's it from us.
Good night.