'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s08e04 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
YOU WOULD NOT BELIEVE HOW
EXCITING THINGS ARE GETTING
HERE IN NOUVION.
YESTERDAY WE HAD A VISIT
FROM NONE OTHER
THAN THE DREADED
HITLER HIMSELF. MMM!
AND GOERING,
HIS SIDEKICK.
THEY WERE INSPECTING
THE GERMAN TROOPS IN THE TOWN.
MY SMALL WAITRESS MIMI,
SHE VOLUNTEERED
TO CRAWL DOWN A DRAIN,
AND PLANT A BOMB
UNDER THEIR CAR.
BUT AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT,
SHE ACCIDENTALLY
PLANTED THE BOMB
UNDER THE OLD CAR
THAT EDITH HAD JUST BOUGHT ME
FOR MY BIRTHDAY.
WE WERE GOING
TO GO FOR A SPIN
TO RELIVE THE MEMORIES
OF OUR COURTING DAYS,
BUT A BIG BANG SURPRISED US.
FORTUNATELY, IT WAS NOT
A VERY POWERFUL BOMB
SO WE BOTH EMERGED UNHURT.
WELL-- WELL, ALMOST.
DELAYED SHOCK HAS AFFECTED
MY WIFE'S VOICE
AND SHE IS UNCERTAIN
WHETHER SHE WILL BE ABLE
TO SING IN THE CAFE
FOR SEVERAL DAYS.
SO, AS THEY SAY,
EVERY CLOUD DOES HAVE
A SILVER LINING.
- I HAVE GIVEN MADAME FANNY
HER LENTIL SOUP.
- AH, GOOD.
OH, RENE, AT LAST
I HAVE A MOMENT TO TALK
TO YOU ALONE.
- OH, HOLD ME.
- OH, YVETTE.
OH, RENE, MY WHOLE BODY
IS TREMBLING WITH
DIFFERENT EMOTIONS.
- CAN YOU NOT FEEL THEM?
- YES.
EVEN THROUGH MY APRON.
- OH, RENE.
- WHAT?
IF YOU'D HAVE BEEN KILLED
IN THAT EXPLOSION
OUR CHILD WOULD HAVE
BEEN BORN FATHERLESS.
OH, CALM YOURSELF, YVETTE.
I WAS NOT HURT.
I JUST LOST THE SEAT
OF MY TROUSERS AND
SOME SMALL CHANGE.
I HAVE SPOKEN
WITH THE PRIEST AGAIN
ABOUT US MARRYING IN SECRET,
AND HE WAS OPTIMISTIC THA
PERMISSION WOULD BE GIVEN
WHENEVER CONVENIENT.
WELL, AFTER THE WAR IS OVER
WOULD BE CONVENIENT.
OH, BUT THAT COULD
BE MONTHS AWAY!
OUR CHILD MUST
BE BORN IN WEDLOCK,
OTHERWISE
THINK OF THE SHAME.
I AM, BUT YOU MUST NOT
HURRY THESE THINGS, YVETTE.
IT IS MOST UNSETTLING TO BE
BLOWN UP ON YOUR BIRTHDAY
WHEN YOU ARE IN YOUR LATE 30s.
OH, RENE.
RENE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT SERVANT GIRL
IN YOUR ARMS?
YOU STUPID WOMAN!
CAN YOU NOT SEE
THAT THIS POOR CHILD
IS STILL TRAUMATIZED
FROM YESTERDAY'S EXPLOSION?
JUST GO UPSTAIRS,
YVETTE, AND LIE DOWN
IN THE BROOM CUPBOARD--
IN THE BEDROOM--
IN THE BEDROOM
UNTIL YOU ARE
FEELING BETTER.
- THANK YOU, RENE.
- OH, I AM SORRY, RENE.
I HAVE NOT GOT
OVER THAT BANG.
THE GEAR STICK WENT THROUGH
THE BRIM OF MY HAT.
GOD MUST HAVE BEEN
WATCHING OVER ME.
YES, HOW HE KNEW
IT WAS YOU UNDER THAT HAT
WILL ALWAYS
BE A MYSTERY TO ME.
OH, BY THE WAY,
HOW IS YOUR VOICE?
I HAVE BEEN GARGLING
WITH AN HERB TONIC,
BUT I DO NOT THINK I AM
UP TO SINGING IN THE CAFE
THIS EVENING.
- OH.
- LISTEN.
- ( warbles off-key )
- STOP!
STOP, YOU MIGHT
LOSE IT ALTOGETHER.
YOU MUST NOT
SING TONIGHT, EDITH.
I DO HOPE THE CUSTOMERS
WILL NOT MIND.
OH, I AM SURE THEY
WILL FIND A WAY
TO HIDE
THEIR DISAPPOINTMENT.
- ( bell rings )
- RENE, RENE!
MICHELLE OF THE RESISTANCE
WANTS TO SPEAK TO YOU URGENTLY.
OH, HECK, WHAT NOW?
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS ONLY ONCE.
HITLER AND GOERING ARE
STILL AT THE CHATEAU.
WE HAVE PLACED EXPLOSIVES
ON THE BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER
ON THE MAIN ROAD
OUT OF TOWN.
WHEN HITLER AND GOERING
DRIVE OVER THE BRIDGE
TO RETURN TO BERLIN,
- MY GIRLS WILL BLOW THEM UP.
- OH, WHAT BRAINS, MICHELLE.
WHERE IS THE NITROGLYCERIN
I LEFT HERE FOR SAFEKEEPING?
IT IS IN A GIN BOTTLE
BEHIND THE BAR.
- I WILL GET IT.
- YES, GO.
- IT IS NOT HERE.
- NOT THERE?
THE GIN BOTT--
THE NITRO--
THE GIN BOTTLE IS--
IT IS LUCKY WE HAVE ENOUGH
EXPLOSIVES TO BLOW THE BRIDGE
OVER THE RIVER.
BUT IT IS OPEN COUNTRYSIDE,
MICHELLE.
WHERE WILL YOU HIDE
TO SET THEM OFF?
EVEN AS WE SPEAK,
MY GIRLS ARE UNDERWATER
IN THE RIVER
BREATHING THROUGH STRAWS
WITH THEIR HANDS ON
THEIR PLUNGERS.
WILL THEY NOT SHRIVEL UP?
THEY ARE TAKING IT IN TURNS.
BESIDES, MY GIRLS ARE
THE TOUGHEST RESISTANCE FIGHTERS
IN ALL OF FRANCE.
THEY CAN WITHSTAND
ANY HARDSHIP.
OH, MICHELLE!
MICHELLE!
WHAT IS IT, ANNETTE?
YOU ARE SUPPOSED TO BE
SUBMERGED UNTIL FURTHER ORDERS.
- I COULDN'T TAKE IT ANYMORE.
- WHAT IS THE MATTER?
- I HAVE FROGS IN MY KNICKERS.
- ( croaking )
OH MY GOD,
THAT IS AWFUL.
I THOUGHT YOUR GIRLS COULD
WITHSTAND ANY HARDSHIP.
EVEN THE TOUGHEST
RESISTANCE FIGHTER
WOULD CRACK WITH FROGS
IN HER KNICKERS.
I WOULDN'T.
AND I'VE HAD FROGS
IN MY KNICKERS.
ANNETTE, I WILL FIND
A SUBSTITUTE FOR YOU.
AND MEANWHILE, GO HOME
AND EXTRICATE THE FROGS.
NO NO!
ONE MOMENT.
I HAVE A BETTER IDEA.
MIMI, TAKE ANNETTE
INTO THE KITCHEN
AND REMOVE THE FROGS
FROM HER.
HOW VERY THOUGHTFUL
OF YOU, RENE,
I SHALL REWRITE
TONIGHT'S MENU.
I SHALL MAKE
THE SPECIAL.
FROGS' LEGS
IN BUTTER AND GARLIC.
I CANNOT DRINK
THIS LENTIL SOUP.
IT GIVES ME
TERRIBLE WIND.
DID YOU
GET THE GIN, ERNEST?
( laughs )
I STOLE THIS FROM UNDER
THE BAR LAST NIGHT.
THEY WILL NEVER NOTICE
IT HAS GONE.
WE USED TO CALL
THAT COCKTAIL A VOLCANO.
TOO MUCH GIN AND IT COULD TAKE
THE TOP RIGHT OFF YOUR HEAD.
I WILL GIVE IT
A GOOD SHAKE, FANNY.
THERE-- LIKE I USED TO
WHEN I WAS A HANDSOME
YOUNG BARMAN
AT MADAME COURTESAN'S.
THEN I COULD SHAKE
ALL RIGHT.
( explosion )
( Fanny moaning )
I THINK WE HAD BETTER TAKE
THAT LENTIL SOUP OFF THE MENU.
WHAT WORRIES ME,
COLONEL,
IS WE HAVE NOT
HEARD ANY MORE
FROM THE RESISTANCE
ABOUT THEIR
BLACKMAIL DEMAND.
WHAT IF THEY SEND THAT
INCRIMINATING PHOTOGRAPH
OF ME HOLDING
THE FALLEN MADONNA TO
THE GENERAL WITHOUT TELLING US?
THEN WE'LL BE EVEN DEEPER
IN THE DOO-DAH.
I WONDER IF WE COULD SOMEHOW
CONTACT THE RESISTANCE
AND STALL THEM.
BUT HOW?
TELL THEM WE ARE
STILL TRYING
TO RAISE THE 10 MILLION
FRANCS RANSOM
AND DELAY THINGS
UNTIL JUAN GARCIA ARRIVES
TO TAKE US TO SPAIN.
IT'S A STRAW,
BUT LET'S CLUTCH IT.
HOW DO WE GET IN TOUCH
WITH THE RESISTANCE?
THERE IS RENE
AT THE CAFE.
GO AND SEE HIM, GRUBER,
AND GIVE HIM
A MILLION FRANCS
AS A DOWN PAYMENT
FOR THE RESISTANCE
TO SHOW THEM WE'RE
ACTING IN GOOD FAITH.
AN EXCELLENT
DELAYING TACTIC.
COLONEL, I MUST SPEAK
TO YOU URGENTLY.
WHAT IS IT, HELGA?
I HAVE LEARNED THAT HERR FLICK
AND VON SMALLHAUSEN
ARE STILL LOCKED IN THE DUNGEONS
AT THE CHATEAU.
CLEARLY THE EXPLODING
KNOCKWURST SAUSAGE
I GAVE THEM TO AID THEIR ESCAPE
DID NOT WORK.
IT DID, BUT INSTEAD
OF BLOWING OUT THE BARS
OF FLICK'S CELL,
IT BLEW UP THE DOUBLES
OF HITLER AND GOERING.
WHICH IS WHY THE COLONEL AND I
HAD TO TAKE THEIR PLACE
FOR THE SALUTE.
REMEMBER THIS?
THAT WAS YOU?
I WAS TOO FAR AWAY
TO RECOGNIZE YOU.
BUT I MUST SAY I THOUGHT
YOU LOOKED VERY MASTERFUL
IN THE FUHRER'S UNIFORM.
THE FUHRER IS ALWAYS
MASTERFUL!
I WANTED TO RUN
ACROSS THE SQUARE
AND KISS YOU PASSIONATELY.
THAT MUSTACHE IS TAKING
YOU OVER.
- REMOVE IT.
- SORRY.
COLONEL, IF WE DO NOT
GET HERR FLICK OUT
OF THE DUNGEON,
HE WILL TELL THE GENERAL
THAT WE ROBBED THE GARRISON
PAY TRUCK.
GOD, I'D FORGOTTEN.
HELGA, YOU--!
HELGA, YOU MUST GO
AND SEE HERR FLICK.
TELL HIM THAT WE ARE
CONTACTING HIS GODFATHER
HEINRICH HIMMLER
TO GET HIM RELEASED.
I'VE ALREADY BEEN
TO SEE HIM TWICE--
AS A TART AND A NUN.
WHAT CAN I GO AS
THIS TIME?
YOU'LL THINK
OF SOMETHING.
OH, AND, HELGA?
DON'T TAKE HIM
ANY MORE EXPLOSIVES.
GRUBER AND I MAY BE CALLED
TO THE CHATEAU TO PLAY
OUR ROLES.
WE DON'T WANT TO BE
BLOWN UP.
ESPECIALLY BY
A KNOCKWURST SAUSAGE!
AH, GOOD MORNING,
LIEUTENANT.
GOOD MORNING, RENE.
I WONDER IF I MIGHT HAVE
A PRIVATE WORD WITH YOU.
OF COURSE, LIEUTENANT.
COME TO THE BAR.
RENE
I WILL BE VERY DIRECT
WITH YOU.
I HAVE ONE MILLION FRANCS
IN MY TROUSERS.
I WANT YOU DO DO SOMETHING
FOR ME.
I AM RATHER BUSY
AT THE MOMENT, LIEUTENANT.
PLEASE, RENE, I ONLY WANT YOU
TO DO ME A FAVOR.
MUST BE A BIG ONE.
IT IS ONLY A SMALL ONE,
I ASSURE YOU.
I WANT YOU TO CONTACT
THE RESISTANCE FOR ME.
BUT I DO NOT KNOW
THE RESISTANCE!
AND I BELIEVE YOU, RENE.
BUT THEY HAVE A COMPROMISING
PHOTOGRAPH OF ME
WHICH THEY HAVE THREATENED
TO SEND TO THE GENERAL
IF I DO NOT PAY THEM A RANSOM
OF 10 MILLION FRANCS.
NO!
THAT IS AWFUL, LIEUTENANT.
IT IS RATHER
DISTRESSING.
NOW IF NO ONE IS LOOKING,
I WILL PRODUCE IT FOR YOU.
NO ONE IS LOOKING.
NOW YOU TAKE
THE ONE MILLION FRANCS
WHICH I WOULD LIKE YOU
SOMEHOW TO GIVE TO THE PEOPLE
WHO YOU DO NOT KNOW
IN THE RESISTANCE.
TELL THEM I AM TRYING TO RAISE
THE REST OF THE MONEY
BUT I NEED MORE TIME--
A FEW DAYS AT LEAST.
I-- I WILL DO MY BEST,
LIEUTENANT.
THANK YOU, RENE.
I WILL BE ETERNALLY GRATEFUL.
OH, AND REMEMBER--
IF THERE IS EVER ANYTHING
I CAN DO FOR YOU IN RETURN
LET ME KNOW.
I CANNOT THINK OF ANYTHING
AT THE MOMENT.
- RENE?
- HMM?
- THE SOUP IS READY
FOR YOU TO TASTE.
- YES, I AM COMING.
HERE, TAKE THIS. IT IS
HALF A MILLION FRANCS
FROM LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
MAKE SURE THAT MICHELLE
GETS IT IF SHE COMES IN.
IT IS THE DOWN PAYMENT
ON HER RANSOM DEMAND.
- Edith: YVETTE! YVETTE!
- YES, MADAME EDITH?
MIMI, GIVE THIS QUARTER
OF A MILLION FRANCS
FROM LIEUTENANT GRUBER
TO MICHELLE
WHEN SHE COMES IN.
IT IS DOWN PAYMENT
ON THE RANSOM.
IT WOULD TAKE YEARS
FOR AN HONEST WORKING GIRL
TO EARN THIS.
LUCKY I'M A TART.
- GO UPSTAIRS
AND SEE TO THE BEDS.
- YES, MADAME EDITH.
MIMI, YOU GO UP
AND HELP HER.
MADAME EDITH, HERE IS
125,000 FRANCS
FOR MICHELLE
FROM LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
IT IS DOWN PAYMENT
ON THE RANSOM.
AH, MICHELLE,
JUST THE PERSON.
LIEUTENANT GRUBER LEF
THIS 62,500 FRANCS
FOR YOU
AS DOWN PAYMENT
ON THE RANSOM.
62,500 FRANCS?
PIN MONEY!
THEY WILL HAVE TO DO
BETTER THAN THAT.
IF ANYONE WANTS ME,
I SHALL BE AT THE HAIRDRESSERS.
- ( doorbell dings )
- AH.
BACK AGAIN, LIEUTENANT.
I HAVE JUST BEEN
SOUP TASTING.
SO I SEE FROM YOUR TIE.
RENE, I HAVE HAD
SECOND THOUGHTS.
I CANNOT ASK YOU
TO TAKE THE RISK
OF CONTACTING
THE RESISTANCE FOR ME.
I WILL TRY TO DEAL
WITH THEM MYSELF
SO I WILL TAKE THE ONE
MILLION FRANCS BACK.
WELL, I WILL TRY TO GET IT
FOR YOU, LIEUTENANT.
PLEASE TAKE A SEAT.
YVETTE!
- YVETTE!
- YES, RENE?
GIVE ME
THE HALF A MILLION FRANCS
I JUST GAVE YOU.
- OH, I ONLY HAVE
QUARTER OF A MILLION.
- WHAT?!
- I GAVE THE REST TO MIMI.
- ( groans )
MIMI!
I SPREAD IT AROUND
FOR SAFEKEEPING.
WHERE'S THE QUARTER
OF A MILLION FRANCS THAT
YVETTE JUST GAVE YOU?
- I ONLY HAVE HALF.
- WHAT?
I GAVE 125,000 FRANCS
TO MADAME EDITH.
OH GOD.
EDITH!
THEY DO NOT
KNOW WHAT IT IS FOR,
SO YOUR SECRET IS SAFE.
WHERE IS THE 125,000 FRANCS
THAT MIMI GAVE YOU?
I ONLY HAVE 62,500
FRANCS.
- I GAVE THE OTHER HALF
TO MICHELLE.
- ( whimpers )
IS EVERYTHING
ALL RIGHT, RENE?
OH YES, LIEUTENANT,
EVERYTHING IS UNDER CONTROL.
I HAVE TO GIVE ALL THE MONEY
BACK TO LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO NOW?
WE SHALL HAVE TO MAKE IT UP
OUT OF THE TILL.
WHAT?
( murmuring )
NEARLY THERE, LIEUTENANT.
WE'RE JUST GETTING THE REST
OUT OF THE SAFE.
- IS THERE A PROBLEM?
- RATHER AN OLD COMBINATION.
HERE WE ARE, LIEUTENANT--
ONE MILLION FRANCS
EXACTLY.
THANK YOU, RENE.
UM, COVER ME, WOULD YOU?
THANK YOU, RENE.
I HOPE I HAVEN'T CAUSED YOU
TOO MUCH TROUBLE.
NOT AT ALL, NO NO.
THAT HAS JUST COST US
62,500 FRANCS-- CAN I TRUST
NO ONE IN THIS PLACE?
IS IT NOT LUCKY
I HAD THAT MONEY
DOWN MY STOCKING TOP?
OH, RENE, WHERE WOULD
YOU BE WITHOUT ME?
#####
AFRICA.
- MUTTI?
- ERNIE?
OH, MUTTI.
ERNIE, MY ERNIE.
MAKE THE MOST OF IT,
FOR THEY ARE GOING TO BE
SHOT IN THE MORNING.
OH, MUTTI, I WANTED YOU TO BE
SO PROUD OF ME WHEN I GREW UP.
I WILL BE.
NOW
FOR A SHOCK.
( gasps )
OH!
YES, IT IS I, HELGA.
HELGA?!
I WONDER IF I WANT
TO MARRY YOU AFTER ALL.
IF THAT IS HOW YOU ARE GOING
TO LOOK,
I WILL HAVE TO TAKE
A RAIN CHECK.
WE ARE TRYING TO CONTACT
YOUR UNCLE HEINY TO ASK HIM
TO USE HIS INFLUENCE
TO GET YOU RELEASED.
WE HAVE NOT A MINUTE TO LOSE.
I WILL CONTACT
UNCLE HEINY MYSELF.
BUT HOW?
YOU ARE IN A CELL.
THIS KEY IS
FOR MY SECRET DUNGEON.
GO THERE IMMEDIATELY
AND YOU WILL FIND
IN THE CUPBOARD
A SPECIAL GESTAPO
HOMING PIGEON
WHO ANSWERS
TO THE NAME BORIS.
BRING HIM TO ME HERE
AND I WILL SEND A PERSONAL
MESSAGE
TO UNCLE HEINY.
HE WILL RECOGNIZE MY
HANDWRITING AND ACT AT ONCE.
HOW WILL I GET
THE PIGEON IN TO YOU?
SMUGGLE HIM IN AT THE BOTTOM
OF A BASKET OF FRUIT.
BORIS IS A TRAINED BIRD,
PART OF A CRACK GESTAPO UNIT.
HE WILL NOT MAKE ANY NOISE.
I WILL DO AS YOU SAY,
HERR FLICK.
BUT MAY I
KISS YOU FIRST?
LOOKING LIKE THAT?
YOU MUST BE JOKING.
SENIOR GESTAPO OFFICERS DO NOT
KISS GERIATRIC OLD CRONES.
JUNIOR ONES
ARE NOT SO FUSSY.
GOOD MOANING.
GOOD MOANING.
I HAVE A MASSAGE
FROM MICHELLE.
WE NEED TO MOKE
A MORE PIFFUL BOTTERY
TO BROADKIST
OUR PREPAGONDA.
WE NEED LID AND ASID
FOR THE NEW BOTTERY.
- HOW ARE YOU
GOING TO GET THOSE?
- MONSIEUR ALFINSE
HAS THE ASID AND WE ARE
GOING TO STOOL THE LID
FROM THE ROOF
OF THE PERRISH CHOOCH.
CHOOCH?
HE MEANS CHURCH.
MONSIEUR ALFINSE AND I
AND YOUR TWO WOTRESSES
WILL GO INTO THE CHOOCH
DISGEESED AS BALL RINGERS.
BALL RINGERS?
I THINK HE MEANS
BELL RINGERS.
LET US HOPE HE DOES.
YVETTE AND MIMI WILL
RING THE BALLS
WHILE MONSIEUR ALFINSE
AND I STOOL THE LID.
THE NOISE OF THE BALLS
WILL DISGEESE
THE SOUND OF HIM BONGING
WITH HIS HAMMER.
WHEN THE BALLS BING,
HE WILL BONG.
WHY ARE YOU
TELLING US THIS?
WE NEED YOU AND MADAME EDITH
TO BE LEEKOUTS.
I AM BEING A LEEKOUT
FOR NO ONE.
BUT YOU MIST, RONNIE.
OR WOULD YOU
AND MADAME EDITH PREFER
TO BE AT THE BRODGE,
WETTING UNDER WITTER?
OH NO.
NO, WE WOULD NOT
LIKE THAT.
I MIGHT GET FROGS
IN MY KNICKERS.
- THE SHOCK COULD BE FATAL.
- YES!
THERE COULD BE DEAD FROGS
FROM HERE TO AVIGNON.
WHAT HAPPENS IF SOMEONE COMES
ALONG WHEN WE ARE LOOKOUTS?
BLEE THIS SPECIAL WASSLE
TO WARN US.
IT MAKES A NOSE LIKE AN EEL
IN THE MOATING SEASON.
WHAT?
A NOISE LIKE AN OWL
IN THE MATING SEASON.
LOSSEN.
( hooting )
( dogs howling )
WELL, BACK TO
THE DRAWING BOARD.
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
- HEIL HITLER.
- HEIL HITLER.
TAKE THESE UNIFORMS.
YOU MUST ONCE AGAIN
DRESS UP AS THE FUHRER
AND FIELD MARSHAL GOERING.
OH, ARE WE GOING TO INSPEC
THE TROOPS AGAIN, GENERAL?
NO, TODAY IS THE DAY
THE REAL DOUBLES
WERE DUE TO LEAVE THE AREA
FOR BERLIN.
AS THEY WERE BLOWN UP
AND ARE CURRENTLY UNDER MY BED
WRAPPED IN BLANKETS,
THIS WILL NOT
BE EASY FOR THEM.
YOU MUST TAKE THEIR PLACES.
GENERAL, SURELY WE DON'T HAVE
TO GO ALL THE WAY TO BERLIN?
OF COURSE NOT!
I WILL DISGUISE MYSELF
AS YOUR DRIVER--
I CAN TRUST NO ONE ELSE.
HITLER AND GOERING MUST BE
SEEN LEAVING THE CHATEAU
SO WE CANNOT BE IMPLICATED
IN THIS BLUNDER!
WE WILL DRIVE TO THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE BRIDGE--
WHICH IS OUTSIDE
MY JURISDICTION--
AND THE BODIES, WHICH WE WILL
HAVE PLACED IN THE BOOT
OF THE CAR,
WILL THEN BE BLOWN UP.
THIS WAY, NO BLAME
CAN FALL ON US
FOR FAILING TO PROTECT
OUR GLORIOUS LEADERS.
A PARTICULARLY INGENIOUS
PLAN, GENERAL.
I KNOW.
REPORT TO THE CHATEAU
AT 8:00 THIS EVENING.
IN A WAY I AM SORRY
WE ARE NOT GOING TO BERLIN.
JUST IMAGINE IT!
THE WHOLE CITY
LINING THE STREETS,
SHOUTING AND WAVING
AT THEIR
BELOVED LEADER!
AND THEN INTO THE BUNKER
FOR A QUICK SNOG WITH EVA.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
THE DANGER DOES OUTWEIGH
THE EXCITEMENT.
THIS BASKET OF FRUIT
WAS DELIVERED FOR YOU.
EXCELLENT.
HELGA HAS SMUGGLED IN
BORIS THE HOMING PIGEON.
HE WILL FLY TO UNCLE HEINY
IN BERLIN WITH MY MESSAGE.
THERE WAS A PIGEON TOO.
WE COOKED IT FOR YOU.
A TREE APPEARS TO HAVE
FALLEN ACROSS THE ROAD.
WE WILL HAVE TO MOVE IT.
- ( car stops )
- I DON'T LIKE IT, GENERAL.
- IT COULD BE AN AMBUSH.
- NONSENSE. THERE IS
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT,
APART FROM WHICH,
I AM A CRACK SHOT.
( gunfire )
UNFORTUNATELY I CAN SEE
NOTHING TO SHOOT AT--
SO WE'D BETTER
MAKE A RUN FOR IT.
LIGHT THE FUSE
ON THE EXPLOSIVES, GRUBER.
WE MUST DESTROY THE BODIES
IN THE BOOT AT ALL COSTS.
NOW LET'S
GET OUT OF HERE!
( gunfire )
ON YOUR FEET,
YOU NAZI SWINE,
OR I WILL SHOOT YOU
WHERE YOU ARE.
MY GOD, IT IS HITLER
AND GOERING IN THE FLESH.
THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY
FOR THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE
FIGHTERS.
ACTUALLY, I THINK WE
OUGHT TO POINT OUT
- THAT WE ARE NOT REALLY--
- SILENCE!
IF YOU HAD JUST BEEN
ORDINARY GENERALS,
WE WOULD HAVE
SHOT YOU ON THE SPOT.
BUT YOU ARE TOO
IMPORTANT TO DIE
YET.
MOVE IT!
AFTER YOU, HITLER.
NO, AFTER YOU,
GOERING!
( girls scream )
ARE YOU READY TO STAND LEEKOUT,
MADAME EDITH?
- RONNIE?
- YES, WE ARE READY,
OFFICER CRABTREE.
HAVE YOU THE TEELS,
MONSIEUR ALFINSE?
I HAVE MY HAMMER AND CHISEL
FOR PRYING THE LEAD OFF
THE CHURCH ROOF.
THEN WE WILL CLIMB UP
TO THE BALFRY.
FOLLOW MOO.
I HOPE THEY GET A MOVE ON.
WE WILL DIE OF THE COLD
OUT HERE.
LET ME
GIVE YOU A HUG, RENE.
THAT WILL KEEP US WARM.
AW, THAT IS A VERY
NICE THOUGHT, EDITH.
BUT WE ARE SUPPOSED
TO BE KEEPING WATCH.
I WILL JUST BLOW
ON MY HANDS INSTEAD.
- GOOD EVENING.
- WHOA!
- GOOD EVENING, FATHER.
- ARE YOU WAITING
FOR CONFESSION?
UH, NO.
WE HAVE BEEN VISITING
THE GRAVE OF MY DEAD BROTHER.
VERY WELL.
JUST A MOMENT--
I RECOGNIZE YOUR VOICE.
YOU ARE MR. X, ARE YOU NOT?
YOU CAME TO SEE ME
IN THE CONFESSIONAL ABOUT
A SECRET MARRIAGE?
WELL, UH, MANY PEOPLE
SOUND LIKE ME.
IT IS YOU! I HAVE
A GOOD EAR FOR VOICES.
I HAVE EXCELLENT NEWS.
I SAW THE BISHOP THIS AFTERNOON.
HE HAS GIVEN ME
PERMISSION TO MARRY YOU.
IS THIS THE WOMAN YOU LOVE,
THE BRAVE RESISTANCE FIGHTER?
WHO ELSE?
I UNDERSTAND YOU TWO ARE
TO BE KNOWN ONLY AS "X."
WELL, I AM HIS EX,
SINCE HE IS ALREADY
OFFICIALLY DEAD.
COME INSIDE, MY BRAVE ONES,
AND I WILL MARRY YOU NOW.
OH NO.
IT REALLY CAN WAIT.
RENE, YOU ARE
A DEVIL.
YOU HAVE FIXED UP FOR US
TO BE MARRIED IN SECRET.
HOW WONDERFUL.
I KNOW I SHOULD HAVE DISCUSSED
THIS WITH YOU FIRST, EDITH.
- LET US TALK ABOUT IT--
- NO, LET US DO IT NOW.
AFTER ALL THIS TIME,
WITH ALL THE VILLAGERS THINKING
THAT WE ARE LIVING TOGETHER
OUTSIDE OF MARRIAGE,
AT LAST YOU ARE DOING
THE DECENT THING.
DO NOT TURN YOUR BACK
ON THE DOORWAY OF HAPPINESS.
NOT FORGETTING FUNERALS.
I THINK THERE HAS BEEN
A SLIGHT MISUNDERSTANDING.
( laughs )
OH, SURELY YOU WERE
NOT THINKING
OF MARRYING SOMEBODY ELSE
IN SECRET, WERE YOU?
WHAT A THOUGHT!
THEN LET US
SEAL THE BOND NOW.
- WELL--
- IT WILL NOT TAKE LONG.
COME INSIDE.
OH, RENE,
I AM SO HAPPY.
WHAT LUCK THAT
HAPPEN TO BE HERE TONIGHT.
OH, COME.
DOES NOT GOD MOVE
IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS?
HE'S NOT THE ONLY ONE.
I WILL GIVE YOU A LOG UP,
MONSIEUR ALFINSE.
I FEEL LIKE THE HINCHBOCK
OF NOTRE DOOM.
YOU CAN START RINGING
THE BALLS NOW.
I WILL GO FIRST.
( bell ringing )
HERE, LET ME HELP YOU.
- ( bell ringing )
- ( screaming )
- MIMI!
- I AM STUCK.
OH MY GOD!
WHY ARE YOU NOT
RINGING ALL THE BALLS?
MIMI IS STUCK.
WE MUST GET HER DOON.
LET GO, MIMI.
I WILL CITCH YOU.
NO, IF SHE LETS GO
OF THE ROPE IT WILL
BE STUCK UP THERE
AND WE WILL NOT BE ABLE
TO RING ALL THE BELLS.
I HAVE A BROON WOOVE.
HONG ON, I WILL PILL YOU.
( bell ringing )
WHOA!
OH, MY KNICKERS
ARE FALLING DOWN.
THIS IS A SPECIAL
SHORT CEREMONY
FOR USE IN WARTIME.
THE BISHOP HAS AGREED
THAT WE CAN DISPENSE
WITH THE NEUTRAL WITNESSES
AND THAT YOUR NAMES
CAN BE KEPT SECRET
BECAUSE OF YOUR WORK
FOR THE RESISTANCE.
- ARE YOU READY?
- OH YES, FATHER.
I SUPPOSE SO.
DO YOU, MISS X,
TAKE THIS, MR. X,
TO BE YOUR LAWFUL
WEDDED HUSBAND,
THROUGH DANGER
AND ADVERSITY,
THROUGH POVERTY
AND PILLAGE,
THROUGH THE RISKS
OF FIGHTING ALONE
AND UNKNOWN
UNTIL CERTAIN DEATH
DO YOU PART?
SAY "I DO."
I'D FORGOTTEN
HOW BRAVE I WAS.
I DO.
DO YOU, MR. X
SAY "I DO."
RENE, WHAT HAS HAPPENED?
QUICK, SAY I DO
SO WE ARE MARRIED.
IT IS TOO LATE, EDITH.
IT WOULD NOT BE LEGAL.
HE IS SUPPOSED TO HEAR
THE I DO'S.
WE CAN'T GO AGAINST
THE DIVINE LAWS OF THE CHURCH.
HE IS OUT FOR THE COUNT.
SHOULD I TRY
THE KISS OF LIFE?
HE'S A PRIEST.
HE'S NOT ALLOWED.
YOU KNOW,
YOU WERE RIGHT, EDITH.
GOD DOES MOVE
IN MYSTERIOUS WAYS.
( mouths )
( theme music playing )