'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s08e05 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
I HAVE HAD SOME LUCKY ESCAPES
IN MY TIME,
BUT NONE QUITE SO DRAMATIC
AS THE ONE LAST NIGHT.
EDITH AND I WENT
TO THE LOCAL CHURCH
TO ACT AS LOOKOUTS
WHILE MONSIEUR ALFONSE
CLIMBED ONTO THE CHURCH ROOF
TO HAMMER OFF THE LEAD
FOR A BATTERY
WE ARE BUILDING TO POWER
THE SECRET RESISTANCE
RADIO TRANSMITTER.
WHILE WE WERE THERE
THE LOCAL PARISH PRIEST ARRIVED
AND MISTOOK EDITH
FOR YVETTE,
WHOM I WAS PLANNING
TO MARRY IN SECRET.
IMAGINE MY HORROR
WHEN THE PRIEST WANTED
TO MARRY ME TO EDITH.
FORTUNATELY THE HAMMER
OF MONSIEUR ALFONSE
FELL THROUGH THE ROOF
AND KNOCKED THE PRIEST OUT
BEFORE I COULD SAY
"I DO."
NO MAN HAS EVER WALKED
BACK DOWN THE AISLE
WITH A BIGGER SMILE
ON HIS FACE.
( doorbell dings )
WE ARE NOT OPEN
FOR ANOTHER HOUR.
NOT EVEN FOR LOUISE?
- WHAT?
- THE WOMAN
WHO LOVES YOU.
- ( giggles )
- THE WOMAN WHO
WOULD KILL FOR YOU.
THE WOMAN WHO HAS WAITED
TWO YEARS TO SEE YOU AGAIN?
WELL, I COULD BEND
THE RULES.
BUT WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
SHOULD YOU NOT BE WITH
YOUR COMMUNIST FRIENDS
- BLOWING UP THINGS?
- OH, SILENCE.
- HOLD ME.
- OH.
( both moan )
- OH.
- I HAVE THOUGHT
ABOUT YOU CONSTANTLY
AND DRAWN STRENGTH
FROM THIS LOCK OF HAIR
I TOOK FROM YOU
ALL THOSE YEARS AGO.
SO THAT IS WHERE
IT ALL WENT.
- NOW I AM BACK.
- YES.
- WE CAN AT LAST
GET MARRIED.
- WHAT?
DO NOT REFUSE ME, RENE,
OR I MIGHT
DO SOMETHING DRASTIC.
LOUISE, YOU WOULD NOT
KILL YOURSELF.
NO, I WOULD KILL YOU.
WELL, YES, THAT WOULD BE
RATHER DRASTIC.
BUT SHOULD WE NOT WAIT
UNTIL THE WAR IS OVER?
THE WAR WILL BE OVER
IN A FEW DAYS.
BUT THE ALLIES
HAVE NOT EVEN INVADED YET.
BUT WE COMMUNISTS
HOLD A TRUMP CARD.
WE HAVE CAPTURED
HITLER AND GOERING.
OH MY GOD.
WE KNOW THAT MICHELLE
OF THE RESISTANCE
( spits )
HAS A RADIO TRANSMITTER.
TELL HER TO BRING IT
TO OUR HEADQUARTERS
IN THE OLD BARN
NEAR THE ABBEVILLE ROAD.
WE WILL FORCE HITLER
TO BROADCAST A SURRENDER
THUS ENDING THE WAR
AT A STROKE.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
MY BRAIN IS REELING.
YOU MEAN YOU HAVE
HITLER AND GOERING
TIED UP IN A BARN?
THEY ARE LOCKED
IN THE TRACTOR SHED
AT THE BACK.
- OH.
- OH, RENE.
WE WILL BROADCAST
THE NEWS OF OUR MARRIAGE
TO THE WORLD.
AFTER A SURRENDER BROADCAS
FROM HITLER,
THAT COULD COME
AS A BIT OF AN ANTICLIMAX.
RENE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT BRAZEN HUSSY
IN YOUR ARMS?!
YOU STUPID WOMAN!
CAN YOU NOT SEE THAT
I AM ACTING UNDER DURESS?
THIS IS LOUISE
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,
PROBABLY THE MOST
DANGEROUS WOMAN
IN THE WHOLE OF FRANCE.
OH, I AM SORRY.
I DID NOT MEAN
TO SPEAK OUT OF TURN.
WHAT WAS THAT
ABOUT A BRAZEN HUSSY?
LOOK WHAT YOU HAVE
DONE NOW, EDITH.
YOU HAVE MADE HER VERY CROSS.
SHE COULD SHOOT US BOTH!
LEAVE US, UNLESS YOU WANT
A BULLET IN THE HEAD.
OH, FORGIVE ME.
I DID NOT MEAN IT.
JUST PRETEND
I NEVER CAME IN.
HERE, PUT YOUR ARMS
AROUND HIM AGAIN.
CAREFUL! I HAVE
ONE UP THE SPOUT!
OH, CONGRATULATIONS.
EXCUSE ME WHILE I
JUST SLIP AWAY DOWN
THE BACK PASSAGE.
I MUST GO NOW, RENE.
I WILL ESCORT YOU OUT.
COME.
( bell dings )
MAKE SURE YOU COME
TO THE BARN WITH MICHELLE
( spits )
OR I WILL COME
LOOKING FOR YOU.
I WILL BE THERE!
I PROMISE!
( gasps )
OH!
OH, RENE! I SAW
EVERYTHING THROUGH
A CRACK IN THE DOOR!
HOW COULD YOU EMBRACE
THAT HORRIBLE GIRL?
I THOUGHT YOU LOVED
ONLY ME AND OUR CHILD.
I DO LOVE
ONLY YOU, YVETTE.
PLEASE, SHE FORCED ME
TO HOLD HER.
IT WAS HORRIBLE.
I COULD FEEL
HER LIVE HAND GRENADES
PRESSING INTO ME.
RENE!
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH THAT SERVANT GIRL
IN YOUR ARMS?!
YOU STUPID WOMAN,
CAN YOU NOT SEE
THAT I AM SUFFERING
FROM NERVOUS SHOCK
AFTER BEING HELD
AT GUNPOINT BY THAT UGLY
COMMUNIST RESISTANCE GIRL?
I WOULD HAVE
FAINTED IF YVETTE
HAD NOT SUPPORTED ME.
OH! THIS IS
ABSOLUTELY TRUE.
- YES.
- OH, I AM SORRY, RENE.
I DID NOT REALIZE
THE STRAIN YOU WERE UNDER.
I MUST GO UPSTAIRS
AND LIE DOWN
FOR A BIT, DEAREST.
I WILL COME UP AND LIE DOWN
FOR A BIT AS WELL.
MY SOOTHING WORDS
AND GENTLE HANDS
WILL TAKE AWAY
YOUR ANXIETIES.
ON SECOND THOUGHT,
A BRISK STROLL
AROUND THE SQUARE
IS WHAT I NEED.
HOW QUICKLY
HE RECOVERS.
IT MUST HAVE BEEN
YOUR SOOTHING WORDS,
MADAME EDITH.
- YES.
- YOU'LL HAVE TO GO AND LIE
DOWN FOR A BIT ALONE.
SO WHAT IS NEW?
( phone rings )
COLONEL VON STROHM'S OFFICE.
AH, HELGA,
THIS IS GENERAL VON
KLINKERHOFFEN SPEAKING.
UH, YOU MAY BE WONDERING
WHERE THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
ARE TODAY.
WELL, YES, THEY'RE NOT
USUALLY THIS LATE.
I AM AFRAID THEY WILL NOT
BE IN AT ALL TODAY.
NOR ANY OTHER DAY,
PROBABLY.
THEY'VE BEEN TAKEN PRISONER
BY THE RESISTANCE.
THIS IS TERRIBLE NEWS.
MMM, YES.
I WAS QUITE UPSET MYSELF.
I WAS WITH THEM
AT THE TIME.
WE WERE AMBUSHED
ON THE MAIN ROAD.
I MANAGED
TO FIGHT MY WAY OUT.
- HOW BRAVE.
- OH, IT WAS NOTHING.
NOW, HELGA,
TODAY IS THE DAY
THOSE GESTAPO FELLOWS
FLICK AND VON SMALLHAUSEN
ARE DUE TO GO BEFORE
THE FIRING SQUAD.
WITH THE COLONEL
AND GRUBER GONE,
I WILL REQUIRE YOUR PRESENCE
AT THE EXECUTION.
- YES, GENERAL.
- AND, HELGA,
I HAVE TOLD YOU
ABOUT THE COLONEL
AND THE LIEUTENANT
IN THE STRICTEST
OF CONFIDENCE.
NOT A WORD OF IT
MUST GO ANY FURTHER.
OF COURSE, GENERAL.
MY LIPS ARE SEALED.
GOOD.
HEIL HITLER.
HEIDI
YOU WON'T BELIEVE
WHAT'S HAPPENED
TO THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
THIS IS A FINE MESS
WE'VE GOT INTO, GRUBER.
WHAT DO WE DO NOW?
( whispering )
PLEASE, COLONEL,
DO NOT USE MY REAL NAME.
THOSE ROUGH COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE GIRLS
MAY BE LISTENING
AT THE DOOR.
THEY MUST NOT KNOW
WE ARE IMPOSTERS
OR THEY WILL SHOOT US.
THAT IS TRUE, ADOLF.
WE MUST ACT
OUR PARTS CONVINCINGLY.
IF WE CAN FOOL
THEM LONG ENOUGH,
WE MIGHT FIND
A WAY TO ESCAPE.
I WILL DO MY BEST
TO ACT LIKE THE FUHRER.
I WILL BE STRONG.
I WILL BE MASTERFUL.
DON'T FORGET
THE MAD GLINT
IN THE EYES.
THAT'S THE ONE.
HOW DARE YOU
KEEP US HERE LIKE THIS?!
IT IS AN OUTRAGE!
THE GERMAN TROOPS
WILL BE SEARCHING
THE AREA FOR US!
RELEASE US NOW
AND WE WILL SHOW YOU MERCY!
SILENCE, YOU MAD
INTERIOR DECORATOR.
THE FUHRER IS SILENT.
YOU ARE NOW GOING
TO HELP US WITH OUR PLAN
TO END THE WAR.
WE WILL DO
NOTHING OF THE SORT.
I'M HEAD
OF THE LUFTWAFFE.
I DO NOT COOPERATE
WITH ENEMY TERRORISTS.
WELL, I COULD BE
FLEXIBLE ON THAT POINT.
AS FOR YOU,
YOU WILL DO
EVERYTHING WE SAY
OR I WILL TURN YOU OVER
TO MY TRUSTY LIEUTENANT HERE
AND SHE WILL
AMUSE HERSELF WITH YOU.
I WOULD ENJOY THAT.
THE FUHRER FEARS NOTHING
A WOMAN CAN DO.
THAT IS NOT
ENTIRELY TRUE.
HERE IS OUR PLAN:
WE ARE GOING TO PUT YOU
ON THE RADIO;
YOU WILL ANNOUNCE
THAT THE WAR IS OVER
AND ORDER ALL YOUR TROOPS
TO LAY DOWN THEIR ARMS.
I THINK WE CAN
PROBABLY DO THAT.
ANY OBJECTIONS,
HERMANN?
NONE AT ALL, ADOLF.
I ALWAYS THOUGHT WE
SHOULDN'T HAVE STARTED IT
IN THE FIRST PLACE.
DO YOU PREFER CONDITIONAL
OR UNCONDITIONAL SURRENDER?
- UNCONDITIONAL OF COURSE.
- Gruber: OF COURSE.
WHY MAKE WAVES?
WE WILL COME FOR YOU
WHEN IT IS TIME TO MAKE
THE BROADCAST.
WELL, I THINK WE SHOWED
THEM WE WEREN'T GOING
TO BE PUSHED AROUND.
- DIDN'T WE, ADOLF?
- ABSOLUTELY, HERMANN.
( whispering )
I HAVE JUST AGREED
TO END THE WAR,
WHICH WILL MAKE
HITLER VERY CROSS.
IF THEY DON'T SHOOT US,
HE WILL.
I WONDER IF ANY
OF THESE MEDALS
CONTAINS A SUICIDE PILL.
THANK TO YOUR INVALUABLE
INFORMATION, RENE,
OFFICER CRABTREE AND I
HAVE DEVISED A CUNNING PLAN
TO SNATCH HITLER
AND GOERING FROM THE HATED
COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.
- ( spits )
- MICHELLE, PLEASE.
I HAVE JUST HAD
THAT FLOOR CLEANED.
OH, I AM SORRY, RENE.
I JUST CANNOT ABIDE
THOSE OBNOXIOUS COMMIES.
( spits )
I ALSO DO NOT LICK
THE KUMMIES.
I HATE THEM TOO.
( spits )
A CURSE ON THEM.
( spits )
WILL YOU STOP IT?!
IF YOU CARRY ON LIKE THIS,
I WILL HAVE TO
ASK MIMI TO BRING YOU
A BUCKET EACH.
WE WILL CONTROL
OURSELVES, RENE.
NOW LISTEN.
WE MUST BE THE ONES
TO BROADCAST HITLER'S
SURRENDER ON THE RADIO.
THEN WE WILL TAKE POWER
IN THE NEW FRANCE.
WE WILL RULE.
WE WILL CONTROL.
WE WILL WIPE OUT
THE BOURGEOIS AND CREATE
A NEW FREE FRANCE
IN WHICH PEOPLE LIKE ME
MAKE ALL THE DECISIONS.
REMIND ME
TO EMIGRATE.
NOW HERE IS THE PLAN.
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
FOR I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
WE WILL GO TO THE BARN
AND MEET THE COMMUNISTS.
( spits )
SORRY.
WE WILL PRETEND
TO DISCUSS
THE RADIO BROADCAST
WITH THEM
WHILE OFFICER CRABTREE
BLOWS A HOLE IN THE WALL
WITH DYNAMITE
TO REACH HITLER
AND GOERING.
THE STICKS
OF DEENOMOTE
ARE IN HERE
DISGEESED AS KINDLES.
THAT IS A LOT
OF DYNAMITE.
IT IS NOT ALL DEENOMOTE.
SOME ARE REAL KINDLES.
WHEN THE DYNAMITE EXPLODES,
WE WILL OVERPOWER
THE COMMUNISTS
WHILE OTHERS SNATCH
HITLER AND GOERING,
WHO WILL BE
RENDERED UNCONSCIOUS
WITH THIS CHLOROFORM.
WE NOOD
A VILINTOUR
TO ACCUMPANIE ME
TO ADMONISTER THE CLEAROFORM
TO HOTLER AND GEERING.
I WILL VOLUNTEER.
OH NO, MIMI.
I WANT YOU INSIDE THE BARN.
IF IT COMES TO A FIGHT,
WE WILL NEED YOU THERE.
WELL, I AM NOT
A YOUNG MAN,
AND MY TICKER
IS A LITTLE DICKY,
BUT I WILL
ACCOMPANY YOU,
OFFICER CRABTREE.
- ALWAYS KEEN FOR ACTION.
- AH, INDEED I AM, MADAME.
- ( chuckles )
- OOH.
I WILL ASSIGN TWO
OF MY BEST GIRLS
TO HELP YOU.
OH, GOOD GOOD.
AND I WILL ARRANGE
WITH THE RESISTANCE
TO CHARGE THEM FOR MY TIME
AT THE USUAL RATE.
NOW WE MUST GO.
WE WILL LEAVE FOR
THE BARN THIS AFTERNOON.
- WE WILL MEET YOU
THERE AT 3:00.
- 3:00.
BY NIGHTFALL,
HITLER AND GOERING
WILL BE OURS.
AND ONCE AND FOR ALL,
WE WILL WIPE OUT THE THREAT
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.
( all spit )
MICHELLE PROMISED
THEY WOULD NOT DO
THAT ANYMORE.
WELL, SHALL I
FETCH THEM BACK?
NO, FETCH A MOP
AND BUCKET.
CURSE THOSE COMMUNISTS.
( all spit )
WE WILL BROADCAST
THE END OF THE WAR
THEN BOND OUR TWO
RESISTANCE GROUPS TOGETHER
WITH A MARRIAGE BETWEEN
MY LIEUTENANT LOUISE
AND RENE ARTOIS.
YOU WILL DO NOTHING
OF THE KIND.
- RENE IS MARRIED TO ME.
- WE WILL SETTLE THIS
IN THE TRUE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE WAY.
YOU WILL BOTH FIGHT
FOR THIS MAN.
OH, BUT COMRADE,
IT IS QUITE CLEAR
THEY ARE NOT EVENLY MATCHED.
IN THAT CASE,
THIS OLD MOFF
MAY NOMINATE ANOTHER
TO FIGHT ON HER BEHALF.
CHOOSE ME,
MADAME EDITH.
I WILL CHEW HER UP
AND SPIT HER OUT.
- ( spits )
- I NOMINATE MIMI
- WITH RELUCTANCE.
- OH, THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
WE HAVE COME HERE
TO DISCUSS A RADIO BROADCAST,
NOT TO FIGHT OVER
SOME BALDING BARTENDER.
YOU WILL PAY
FOR THOSE WORDS LATER.
LOUISE, LOUISE,
CALM YOURSELF.
I DO NOT WANT YOU
TO GET HURT EITHER.
WHAT IF YOU LOSE
AN EAR OR A NOSE?
YOU ARE RIGHT, RENE.
I WILL NOMINATE SOMEONE ELSE
TO FIGHT FOR ME TOO.
WELL, BRING THEM OUT.
I WILL EAT THEM UP
FOR BREAKFAST.
I NOMINATE DESIREE.
LOOKS AS IF
YOU WILL HAVE DINNER
AND LUNCH AS WELL.
LET THE FIGHT BEGIN.
- COME ON, MIMI!
- ( all yelling )
THIS COULD BE
A LONG FIGHT.
THIS IS THE SPIT,
MONSIEUR ALFINSE.
HOTLER AND GEERING
SHOULD BE ON THE OTHER
SEED OF THIS WILL.
GIVE ME THE DEENOMOTE.
TRY TO BE QUICK.
I DO NOT LIKE THE LOOK
OF THOSE TWO BULLS
ON THE OTHER SIDE
OF THAT FIELD.
THEY ARE STARING AT US.
STAND STILL AND FIGHT,
YOU COWARD.
- DO YOU GIVE UP YET?
- NEVER.
I WILL WRING YOUR NECK
IF EVER I MANAGE
TO REACH IT.
( yells )
THIS IS
TOO EASY, RIGHT?
( laughing )
THERE IS ONLY ONE WAY
TO SETTLE THIS--
FIGHT DIRTY.
( cheering )
CAN'T YOU HURRY?
THOSE BULLS ARE
LOOKING VERY RESTIVE.
- ( bulls mooing )
- THIS IS NOT DEENOMOTE.
I HAVE BRIGHT
THE RULE KINDLES
BY MISTOOK.
OH! TYPICAL.
WITHOUT DYNAMITE,
HOW WILL WE BREAK
DOWN THE WALL
TO REACH HITLER
AND GOERING?
I HAVE AN IDOO.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING,
MONSIEUR?
I AM DROOPING
MY TRUESERS.
IT WOULD NOT LOOK GOOD
FOR SOMEONE OF MY STANDING
TO BE FOUND BEHIND
A BARN WITH A MAN
WITH HIS TROUSERS DOWN.
LEAK.
I AM WEARING RED KNOCKERS
UNDER MY TRUESERS.
RED KNOCKERS
HAVE BEEN KNOWN
TO ATTRACT BALLS.
IT IS THE KILLER
THAT MAKES THEM MID.
ARE YOU SURE?
NO, BUT IT IS
WORTH A TREE.
I WILL BIND OVER
AND THE BALLS
WILL BECOME AROOSED
AND THEN CHARGE
TOWARDS ME.
AT THE LOST MINUTE
I WILL JIMP ASIDE
AND THE BALLS WILL SMISH
THROUGH THE WOODEN WILL.
RATHER YOU
THAN ME, MONSIEUR.
STAND BY
WITH THE CHLOROFORM.
OUR CHAMPION HAS DEFEATED
YOUR CHAMPION.
WE HAVE DEMONSTRATED
OUR SUPERIORITY.
WE NOW DEMAND THAT YOU
GIVE US HITLER AND GOERING.
WE WILL MAKE THE BROADCAST
AND TAKE THE CREDIT
FOR ENDING THE WAR.
NEVER! WE ARE
IN CONTROL NOW,
NOT YOU AND YOUR PRISSY,
SIMPERING LITTLE GIRLS.
- WHAT DID YOU CALL US?
- PRISSY, SIMPERING
LITTLE GIRLS.
RIGHT.
I HAVE HAD ENOUGH.
( clamoring )
EDITH, STOP IT!
I WANT TO BE IN
TO THE DEATH!
OH, VERY WELL.
I AM STANDING BY,
MONSIEUR.
I HAVE SOAKED THIS PAD
OF COTTON WITH CHLOROFORM
TO KNOCK OUT
HITLER AND GOERING.
CAN YOU SEE
THE TWO BALLS?
RATHER CLEARLY INDEED.
AND ONE OF THEM
IS COMING THIS WAY.
OH, HE IS VERY BIG
EVERYWHERE.
( bull moos )
LET ME KNEE WHEN
HE STARTS TO CHUGE.
- ( hoofbeats )
- HE IS PAWING
THE GROUND, MONSIEUR.
- ( bull snorting )
- AND SNORTING.
HE HAS NOTICED
YOUR RED UNDERWEAR.
- ( hoofbeats )
- HIS NOSTRILS ARE STEAMING.
OH MY GOD,
HE IS COMING THIS WAY
AT FULL SPEED.
( screaming )
MONSIEUR ALFINSE?
( bull bellows )
- ( clamoring )
- WHAT WAS THAT?
- WHAT DO YOU SEE?
- JUST A SQUASHED POLICEMAN.
NOW IS OUR CHANCE
TO ESCAPE.
THERE'S A VAN
UP THERE ON THE ROAD.
LET'S HIDE IN IT.
DO YOU NOT THINK
YOU SHOULD HELP?
I THINK IT'S MORE
A SPECTATOR SPORT.
WHAT HIPPINED
AFTER I WAS TRIMPLED ON?
I AM NOT SURE,
MONSIEUR.
I WAS OUT COLD
WHEN THE BULL ARRIVED.
WHAT ABOUT HOTLER
AND GEERING?
WELL, THEY ARE NOT THERE.
I HAVE HAD A LOOK.
OH, COME ON.
I'LL GET YOU
BACK TO THE VAN.
ANOTHER ALL MOLTY
KICK UP.
( blows whistle )
HITLER AND GOERING,
THEY HAVE ESCAPED!
- ( gasps )
- CURSE! WE ARE UNDONE!
ANY OFFERS?
WHAT BECOOM
OF THOSE RESISTANCE GIRLS
WHO WERE SIPISSED
TO BE HELPING US?
THEY RAN OFF
WHEN THE BULL CHARGED.
I CANNOT BLOOM THEM.
ONE HAS TO
ADMIRE THE NERVE
OF THOSE SPANISH
BALLFARTERS.
- THAT'S A SPORT I ENJOY.
- ( gears grind )
YOU ARE TO BE SHOT
FOR STEALING MONEY
FROM THE GARRISON
PAY TRUCK.
DO YOU STILL
DENY THE CHARGE?
YES, AND I DEMAND
A FAIR TRIAL.
DENIED.
YOU ARE ALLOWED
ONE LAST REQUEST
BEFORE YOU ARE
BLINDFOLDED.
I NEED NO BLINDFOLD.
BUT I WOULD LIKE
A FINAL KISS FROM
PRIVATE HELGA GEERHART.
- PERMISSION GENERAL?
- VERY WELL.
BLINDFOLD?
NO, I'M WATCHING
FOR THE POSTMAN.
LAST REQUEST?
I WOULD ALSO LIKE
A FINAL KISS FROM HELGA.
ACTUALLY,
IT WILL BE MY FIRST.
- REQUEST DENIED.
- BUT YOU CANNOT DENY ME
MY LAST REQUEST.
IT IS MY RIGHT.
OH, VERY WELL.
GIVE HIM ONE.
I SHOULD LIKE
TO BE BLINDFOLDED FIRST.
ENOUGH!
YOU MISSED ME.
HARD CHEESE.
READY!
GENERAL, THERE IS
A TELEGRAM FOR YOU
FROM BERLIN.
I WILL READ IT LATER.
TAKE AIM!
PERHAPS YOU SHOULD
LOOK AT IT, GENERAL.
OH, VERY WELL.
READ IT TO ME.
( whispering )
IT IS FROM UNCLE HEINY,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
WE ARE SAVED.
"NEW JACKET READY
14th THIS MONTH.
WILL SEND
BY SPECIAL MESSENGER.
SPARE BUTTONS
IN POCKET."
IT IS
FROM YOUR TAILOR.
EXCELLENT NEWS.
IT'S A RATHER NATTY
HOUNDSTOOTH
WITH PATCH POCKETS.
OUR HOPES ARE DASHED.
READY! TAKE AIM!
GENERAL, THERE IS
AN URGENT TELEGRAM
FOR YOU FROM BERLIN.
NOT ANOTHER ONE!
CAN I NOT SHOOT A COUPLE
OF FELLOWS IN PEACE?
FIRING SQUAD,
TAKE AIM!
( yells )
STOP!
I EXPECT THE TROUSERS
ARE READY TOO.
WHAT THE DEVIL
ARE YOU PLAYING AT,
PRIVATE GEERHART?!
THIS TELEGRAM IS
FROM REICHSFUHRER
HEINRICH HIMMLER,
HERR GENERAL.
IT IS A PARDON
FOR THE TWO PRISONERS.
LET ME SEE.
I AM ORDERED TO RELEASE YOU
AND YOUR ASSISTANT, HERR FLICK.
BUT YOUR GODFATHER SAYS
"DO NOT DO IT AGAIN,
YOU NAUGHTY BOY."
GOOD OLD UNCLE HEINY.
YOU ARE VERY
LUCKY FELLOWS TO HAVE
FRIENDS IN HIGH PLACES.
DAMNED NEPOTISM!
( rain pattering )
I'VE GOT
A TERRIBLE CRAMP.
IT'S BEEN HOURS.
WHERE ARE WE?
WE ARE IN THE SQUARE,
COLONEL.
IN 15 MINUTES,
WE CAN BE BACK
IN OUR QUARTERS.
ARE YOU MAD, GRUBER?
WE CAN'T WALK AROUND
DRESSED AS HITLER
AND GOERING.
THOSE COMMIES WILL BE
LOOKING EVERYWHERE FOR US.
- THEN WHAT CAN WE DO?
- WE WILL GO TO RENE
AT THE CAFE.
WE CAN TELEPHONE
FROM THERE
AND GET HELGA TO BRING US
OUR PROPER UNIFORMS.
WHAT DO YOU WANT NOW?
WE WANT MORE OLIVES.
AND THERE IS NO SALT
ON THE CRISPS
THERE IS A WAR ON,
YOU KNOW.
THAT IS ALL
YOU ARE GETTING.
OH. IT IS NO FUN
COMING DOWN HERE
ANYMORE, FANNY.
THERE'S NOT EVEN
ANY MUSIC.
WHY IS EDITH
NOT SINGING TONIGHT?
SHE IS HAVING
A LIE-DOWN UPSTAIRS.
SHE IS NOT FEELING WELL.
OH, WELL THEN
WE MUST TAKE HER
SOME OF OUR
STOMACH POWDERS.
AH.
AND A DROP
OF THAT BRANDY CORDIAL.
THAT WILL MAKE HER
FEEL BETTER.
DO NOT BRING
THE CRISPS INTO THE BED.
THEY GET UP MY NIGHTIE.
- RENE
- YES?
I MUST SPEAK
TO YOU IMMEDIATELY.
IT WILL HAVE TO
BE QUICK, YVETTE.
GOOD FOR THE WIND.
- WHAT IS IT?
- THAT LOUISE GIRL
FRIGHTENS ME.
WHAT IF SHE FORCES YOU
TO MARRY HER?
CALM YOURSELF!
I AM NOT GOING
TO MARRY LOUISE!
I AM MORE CONCERNED
ABOUT HITLER AND GOERING.
I WAS VERY WORRIED
WHEN HE GAVE ME
THAT LITTLE WAVE
WHEN HE TOOK THE SALUTE.
I GOT THE IMPRESSION
HE FANCIED YOU.
SO DID I.
IT WAS NOT A GOOD SIGN.
( knocking )
SOMEONE IS OUTSIDE.
( shrieks )
GOD, IT IS HITLER!
I AM DESPERATE, RENE.
LET ME IN.
I AM SORRY, ADOLF,
GO AWAY.
I AM ALREADY SPOKEN FOR.
MY GOD, HE HAS FOUND ME.
HE'S CLIMBING IN
THE WINDOW.
- ARE YOU SURE
YOU DID NOT WAVE BACK?
- OF COURSE NOT.
LET ME IN, RENE.
IT IS I, LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
OH, THAT IS A RELIEF.
YOU MUST HELP US, RENE.
YOU TOO, COLONEL?
BUT WHY ARE YOU DRESSED
AS HITLER AND GOERING?
IT IS A LONG STORY.
WE MUST USE YOUR TELEPHONE.
- YES.
- ( knocking )
( gasps )
IT IS THE COMMUNIST
RESISTANCE!
- ( all scream )
- THEY WILL SHOOT US.
PLEASE HIDE US, RENE.
WHAT WILL I DO?
CROUCH DOWN BEHIND THE BAR.
HEAD FOR THE BACK STAIRS.
YVETTE, GO AND STAND ON
THE TOP OF THE BAR AND ADJUST
YOUR SUSPENDERS.
THAT WILL DISTRACT EVERYTHING.
NOW GO ON.
- ( knocking )
- YES, I AM COMING.
I AM COMING.
LOUISE, MAXINE.
WHAT ARE THESE FOR?
OUR SNIFFER DOGS.
THEY HAVE PICKED UP
THE SCENT AT LAST.
DO THEY BOTH HAVE HERNIAS?
NO, BUT THEY ARE SMALL.
THEY CANNOT WALK FAR
SO WE HAVE TO CARRY THEM.
THEY HAVE PICKED UP THE SCENT
OF HITLER AND GOERING
OUTSIDE IN THE ALLY.
HAVE YOU SEEN THEM?
NO NO NO, OF COURSE NOT.
NO NO.
THEY MUST HAVE SIMPLY
JUST RUN PAST.
THEY WILL NOT GET FAR.
COME, LOUISE.
WE WILL HUNT THEM DOWN
MERCILESSLY.
AFTER THEM, CAESAR.
IT WILL NOT BE LONG BEFORE
WE CATCH THEM, RENE.
WE ARE SEARCHING
THE WHOLE VILLAGE.
ANYONE FOUND
GIVING THEM SHELTER,
WE WILL SLIT THEIR THROATS.
I LOVE YOU.
OH, THIS SEX APPEAL.
QUICK, IN HERE.
( screams )
HITLER AND GOERING!
SIEG HEIL!
SIEG HEIL!
NO, MADAME EDITH.
IT IS ONLY LIEUTENANT GRUBER
AND THE COLONEL IN DISGUISE.
- ( footsteps on stairs )
- THE COMMUNISTS ARE COMING!
QUICK-- IN THE WARDROBE.
FIND YOUR OWN HIDING PLACE.
DO NOT GIVE US AWAY,
I BEG YOU.
MAMA, MONSIEUR LECLERC,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?
ERNEST SAYS
YOU ARE UNWELL, EDITH.
WE HAVE BEEN TO THE ATTIC
TO GET OUR STOMACH POWDERS.
AND HERE IS A BRANDY CORDIAL.
EDITH, AM I IMAGINING IT
OR IS THERE SOMEONE ELSE
IN YOUR BED?
MAMA, HOW COULD YOU EVEN
SUGGEST SUCH A THING?
AH, IS THIS A MAN?
I DO NOT BLAME YOU, EDITH.
WHO IS THIS SECRET LOVER?
( screams )
IT IS HITLER!
MY DAUGHTER IS HAVING
IT OFF WITH HITLER!
KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.
AND GOERING IS WATCHING
FROM THE WARDROBE.
- WHAT SHAME!
- KEEP QUIET.
THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE
COULD BE BACK UP HERE
AT ANY MOMENT.
MADAME FANNY HAS FAINTED.
I AM SORRY, RENE.
IT WAS MY FAULT.
I'LL GIVE HER A BRANDY.
YOU MUST HIDE US
UNTIL THE COMMUNISTS
GIVE UP THE CHASE.
IF THEY COME UP HERE AND FIND
YOU THEY WILL SLIT MY THROAT.
HERE, GIVE ME THAT BRANDY.
ARE YOU GOING TO GIVE IT
TO MAMA?
NO, I AM GOING TO GIVE IT
TO MYSELF.
I NEED IT MORE THAN HER.