'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s08e06 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
YOU FIND ME RUNNING
THE CAFE ON MY OWN,
BECAUSE ALL HELL
HAS BROKEN LOOSE
HERE IN NOUVION.
EXCUSE ME.
HIDING UPSTAIRS
IN MY BEDROOM ARE
NONE OTHER
THAN HITLER
AND GOERING THEMSELVES.
HAVING ESCAPED
FROM THE CLUTCHES
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,
THEY CAME HERE
TO SEEK SHELTER.
ACTUALLY, IT IS NOT
THE REAL HITLER AND GOERING,
BUT LIEUTENANT GRUBER
AND THE COLONEL IN DISGUISE.
BUT THE COMMUNISTS
DO NOT KNOW THIS
AND THEY'RE STILL
SEARCHING FOR THEM.
I SHUDDER EVERY TIME
THAT DOORBELL PINGS.
( doorbell rings )
THIS WHOLE BUSINESS
IS VERY BAD FOR THE NERVES,
BUT GOOD FOR
THE WAISTLINE.
- RENE!
- YES, WHAT?
- I MUST SPEAK
TO YOU AT ONCE.
- WHAT IS IT, EDITH?
IS THE COAST CLEAR FOR
THE COLONEL AND THE LIEUTENANT
GRUBER TO COME DOWNSTAIRS?
ARE YOU MAD?
I CANNOT HAVE HITLER
AND GOERING WALKING
THROUGH MY CAFE
IN FRONT OF ALL
THESE CUSTOMERS.
THEY ARE CHANGING
OUT OF THEIR UNIFORMS.
I WILL FIND SOME
OLD CLOTHES FOR THEM
SO THEY CAN
DISGUISE THEMSELVES
AND LEAVE WITHOUT
BEING RECOGNIZED.
WELL, BEST BE QUICK
ABOUT IT, EDITH.
IF THE COMMUNISTS COME
BACK IN HERE AND FIND THAT
WE HAVE BEEN HELPING GERMANS,
WE WILL ALL NEED
THE LAST RITES.
RENE, RENE,
THE COMMUNISTS
ARE OUTSIDE.
SEND FOR A PRIEST.
THEY ARE SEARCHING
THE SQUARE WITH THEIR
SNIFFER DOGS
AND THEY ARE
SNIFFING THIS WAY.
OH MY GOD.
I AM DOOMED.
WE MUST GET THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
INTO THEIR DISGUISES
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE.
COME UPSTAIRS
AND HELP ME, MIMI.
I WILL CONTAIN
THE COMMUNISTS DOWN HERE
IF THEY COME IN.
OH, RENE,
HOW BRAVE YOU ARE.
I WAS ONLY GOING TO OFFER
THEM FREE DRINKS.
RENE, I MUST
SEE YOU URGENTLY.
OH.
WHAT IS IT, YVETTE?
OH, RENE, HOLD ME.
RENE, I AM SO WORRIED.
THE COMMUNISTS
ARE BOUND TO FIND OUT
YOU HID THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
FROM THEM.
THEY WILL SHOOT YOU.
AND THEN WHAT WILL BECOME
OF ME AND OUR CHILD
WHO IS GETTING
BIGGER EVERY DAY?
CALM YOURSELF, YVETTE.
YOU ARE GETTING BIGGER
BECAUSE YOU EAT TOO MUCH.
THE COLONEL AND LIEUTENANT
WILL BE SMUGGLED AWAY
BEFORE THE COMMUNISTS
EVEN SET FOOT IN MY CAFE.
OH, RENE.
LOUISE!
RENE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING WITH THA
GIRL IN YOUR ARMS?
HAVE YOU BETRAYED ME
WITH YOUR LIPS?
NEVER, LOUISE.
NO NO.
I AM JUST REMOVING
CRUMBS FROM MY MUSTACHE.
AND COMFORTING
THIS CHILD WHO IS
LIKE A DAUGHTER TO ME.
ARE YOU NOT, YVETTE?
EVERY TIME
I LOOK AT HIM,
THE WORD DADDY
SPRINGS TO MIND.
SHE IS UNDER
A GREAT STRAIN
BECAUSE SHE IS
WITH CHILD
AND THE FATHER
IS UNKNOWN.
WHAT KIND OF A MAN
WOULD ABANDON A GIRL
LIKE THIS?
HE DESERVES
TO BE HUNTED DOWN
AND TORN APART
LIMB FROM LIMB.
WELL, PERHAPS A STERN
TICKING OFF AT LEAST.
LEAVE US NOW.
RENE AND I HAVE
BUSINESS TO DISCUSS
IN PRIVATE.
- RENE.
- YES?
ONCE AGAIN,
OUR SNIFFER DOGS,
HOT ON THE TRAIL
OF HITLER AND GOERING,
HAVE LED US TO
THE BACK OF YOUR CAFE.
ARE YOU CERTAIN
YOU HAVE NOT SEEN THEM?
NO, I'M SURE
I WOULD HAVE REMEMBERED.
NO MATTER.
OUR SEARCH HAS NARROWED
IT DOWN TO THE SQUARE.
IT'S ONLY A MATTER
OF TIME BEFORE OUR DOGS
WILL SNIFF THEM OUT
AND WE CAN SHOOT THEM.
HOW RUTHLESS
YOU ARE, LOUISE.
HOLD ME, RENE.
WHEN WE HAVE RECAPTURED
HITLER AND GOERING
AND ENDED THE WAR
WE SHALL HAVE
A WHITE WEDDING.
WELL, I SHALL
CERTAINLY BE VERY PALE
ON THAT DAY.
KISS ME. HOLD ME.
DRIVE ME MAD.
THAT WILL NOT
BE A LONG JOURNEY.
( moaning )
RENE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HOLDING
THAT GIRL IN YOUR ARMS?
I WILL NOT
STAND FOR IT!
YOU STUPID WOMAN
CAN YOU NOT SEE
WHO IT IS?
OH, IT IS YOU, LOUISE.
CAN I OFFER YOU
SOME TEA?
I'M TOO BUSY
HUNTING DOWN HITLER
AND GOERING
TO EXCHANGE
BOURGEOIS CHITCHAT.
GOODBYE, RENE.
I WILL RETURN SOON.
I HUNGER FOR YOU.
WHAT IS IT ABOUT ME
THAT ALL THESE WOMEN
FIND SO IRRESISTIBLE?
COULD IT BE
THE UNDERARM DEODORANT
I BOUGHT YOU
LAST CHRISTMAS?
I NEVER USED IT.
PERHAPS THEREIN
LIES A CLUE.
WE HAVE GIVEN THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
SOME OLD CLOTHES.
WELL, I HOPE THEY ARE
GOOD DISGUISES.
THERE COULD BE SPIES
OF THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE
IN HERE.
OH, DO NOT WORRY, RENE.
THEY WILL SUSPECT
NOT A THING.
OH MY GOD.
WHOSE CLOTHES
DID YOU USE?
MAMA'S.
THEY WERE ALL
WE COULD FIND.
QUICKLY, LADIES,
COME AND SIT DOWN PLEASE.
WE ARE NOT
STAYING, RENE.
THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE
ARE IN THE SQUARE
LOOKING FOR HITLER
AND GOERING.
THEY WILL NOT RECOGNIZE US
IN THESE CLOTHES.
NO, BUT THEY HAVE
VICIOUS SNIFFER DOGS
WHICH HAVE YOUR SCENT.
YOU STEP OUT THERE
AND THE DOGS WILL
RUN TO YOU.
THE COMMUNISTS WILL
SHOOT FIRST AND ASK
QUESTIONS LATER.
NOW SIT DOWN.
WHAT ARE WE GOING
TO DO, RENE?
YOU WILL HAVE
TO STAY HERE UNTIL
THE COMMUNISTS GO AWAY.
TRY NOT TO DRAW
ATTENTION TO YOURSELVES.
DRESSED LIKE THIS,
IT MAY NOT BE EASY.
WE CAN'T STAY HERE
ALL THE EVENING.
THERE MUST BE
A WAY TO GET OUT.
THERE ARE TWO
GERMAN SOLDIERS
AT THAT TABLE
OVER THERE, COLONEL.
THEY COULD GIVE US
AN ARMED ESCORT BACK
TO OUR QUARTERS.
THE COMMUNISTS
WOULD NOT DARE
TO ATTACK US THEN.
GOOD IDEA, GRUBER.
TRY TO ATTRACT
THEIR ATTENTION.
HELLO, SOLDIER.
A VERY UGLY GIRL
OVER THERE IS TRYING
TO PICK ME UP,
LEOPOLD.
IT IS LIEUTENANT GRUBER
OF THE TANK CORPS.
I HAVE HEARD
THINGS ABOUT HIM.
IT LOOKS AS IF
THEY ARE ALL TRUE.
IT DOESN'T SEEM
TO BE WORKING, COLONEL.
I WILL GO
AND SPEAK TO HIM.
DON'T LOOK.
HIS HORRIBLE FRIEND
IS COMING OVER.
I NEED YOU
TWO URGENTLY.
DON'T PUSH YOUR LUCK.
APART FROM WHICH,
YOU HAVE ROTTEN ANKLES.
I AM COLONEL VON STROHM,
GARRISON COMMANDER.
NAME, RANK
AND NUMBER!
I'M SORRY, COLONEL.
I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU
IN A DRESS.
PLEASE.
EVERYBODY IS LOOKING.
IT IS ALL RIGHT, RENE.
WE ARE GETTING AN
ARMED ESCORT.
YOU WILL COME WITH US
TO OUR QUARTERS.
YES, MY COLONEL.
YOU WILL MAKE SURE
THAT EVERYTHING IS SAFE.
COME ALONG, GRUBER.
BRING THE UNIFORMS.
WE ARE VERY GRATEFUL
FOR YOUR HELP, RENE.
WE WILL NOT FORGET
THIS EVENING.
I DO NOT THINK
ANYONE WILL.
WILL THEY BE
ALL RIGHT, RENE?
THE COLONEL
IS WALKING VERY SLOWLY.
IT IS NOT EASY
IN HIGH HEELS, EDITH.
LIEUTENANT GRUBER SEEMS
TO BE MANAGING ALL RIGHT.
HE WOULD.
RENE?
WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF MY NEW SUMMER DRESS?
SO THAT IS WHAT HAPPENED
TO THE CURTAINS IN
THE SPARE ROOM.
THERE IS A WAR ON.
WE HAVE TO MAKE USE
OF WHATEVER WE CAN
LAY OUR HANDS ON.
I AM HERE, MADAME.
- AND I AM READY, MONSIEUR.
- READY
AND WILLING I HOPE.
I HAVE MY SMALL HORSE
WITH THE SMALL HEARSE
CONTAINING THE RADIO
TRANSMITTER OUTSIDE.
WHOO!
( shrieks )
MICHELLE, I WISH
YOU WOULD STOP CREEPING
AROUND THE PLACE LIKE THAT.
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
THE TIME IS NOW RIGHT
TO ARRANGE A RENDEZVOUS
WITH LIEUTENANT GRUBER
TO COLLECT
THE 10 MILLION FRANCS RANSOM.
WHY ARE YOU
TELLING ME THIS?
WELL, YOU ARE CLOSE
TO THE LIEUTENANT.
YOU WILL GO
TO HIM AND GIVE HIM
OUR INSTRUCTIONS.
NOW TAKE THIS SACK.
WHAT IS INSIDE IT?
IT IS A FRESHLY-CAUGHT
32-LB DOGFISH.
SEE?
MICHELLE, I KNOW
I AM GOING TO REGRET
ASKING THIS QUESTION,
BUT WHAT DOES
A FRESHLY-CAUGHT 32-LB
DOGFISH GOT TO DO WITH IT?
IT IS ALL PART
OF MY PLAN
WHICH INVOLVES
THE DOGFISH,
AN UNDERWATER DIVER,
A FISHING ROD
AND A FOUR-FOOT EEL.
THANK GOODNESS.
FOR A MOMENT
I THOUGHT IT WAS GOING
TO BE COMPLICATED.
RENE ARTOIS--
PEASANT!
SEND HIM IN.
DO COME IN.
GOOD MORNING, COLONEL,
LIEUTENANT, PRIVATE.
WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU?
IT IS ABOUT
THE INCRIMINATING PHOTOGRAPH
OF YOU, LIEUTENANT,
HOLDING THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.
THE COLONEL AND HELGA
KNOW ALL ABOUT THAT.
YOU MAY SPEAK FREELY
IN FRONT OF THEM.
VERY WELL.
SOME PEOPLE
FROM THE RESISTANCE,
WHO I DO NOT KNOW,
HAVE ASKED ME
TO TELL YOU
THAT IF THEY DO NOT RECEIVE
THE 10 MILLION FRANCS RANSOM
FOR THE INCRIMINATING
PHOTOGRAPH OF THE LIEUTENANT
BY 2:00 THIS AFTERNOON,
THEY WILL POST
THE PHOTOGRAPH TO GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
RENE, THESE PEOPLE
YOU DO NOT KNOW,
DID THEY SAY HOW THE MONEY
WAS TO BE EXCHANGED
FOR THE PHOTOGRAPH?
YES, LIEUTENANT.
YOU ARE TO STUFF
THE 10 MILLION FRANCS
INSIDE THIS FRESHLY-
CAUGHT 32-LB DOGFISH
AND DANGLE IT
IN THE RIVER
AT THE PLACE
THAT I WILL SHOW YOU.
AN UNDERWATER
RESISTANCE DIVER
WILL SWAP IT
FOR A FOUR-FOOT
EEL CONTAINING
THE INCRIMINATING
PHOTOGRAPH.
THAT SEEMS
STRAIGHTFORWARD ENOUGH.
WHAT DO YOU THINK,
COLONEL?
STUFF THE FISH.
I AGREE.
IT'S A ROTTEN IDEA.
NO, I MEAN PUT
THIS 10 MILLION FRANCS
INSIDE THE FISH.
ONE OF HIS BIG EYES
IS STARING AT ME.
YOU ARE POPULAR,
LIEUTENANT.
DO I HAVE TO?
IT'S AN ORDER, GRUBER.
STUFF IT.
- ( dogfish barks )
- OW!
IT HAS BITTEN MY FINGER.
FRESHER THAN I THOUGHT.
DOWN BOY, DOWN.
OH, MONSIEUR ALFONSE,
SHOULD WE NOT
BE GETTING BACK
TO YOUR LITTLE HEARSE?
WE STILL HAVE
A LOT OF PROPAGANDA
TO BROADCAST.
WE MUST NOT
BROADCAST TOO MUCH
OR THE GERMANS
WILL TRACK US DOWN.
MADAME EDITH,
IF ONLY YOU KNEW
WHAT HAPPINESS
IT GIVES ME
TO BE SITTING HERE
WITH YOU ON THIS
FINE SUMMER'S DAY.
YOU HAVE CHOSEN
THE PERFECT SPOT--
THE SUN, THE BREEZE.
AND SEE HOW
STILL THE WATERS
OF THE RIVER ARE.
JUST A FEW RIPPLES.
I SEE THEM.
OH YES INDEED.
PERHAPS LATER
I WILL OPEN
MY FLIES
I BEG YOUR PARDON?
AND GET OUT
MY TACKLE.
I MAY BE OLD,
BUT IT IS IN
PERFECT WORKING ORDER.
ONE IS RISING NOW.
OH, MONSIEUR
ALFONSE, PLEASE.
IT WAS A TROUT.
( chuckles )
I USED TO BE
AN EXCELLENT FISHERMAN.
I HAVE MY ROD
AND MY BOX OF FLIES
ON THE HEARSE JUST IN CASE.
OH, THAT IS A RELIEF.
GOOD MOANING.
OH, IT IS YOU,
OFFICER CRABTREE.
WHAT A SURPRISE
TO SEE YOU ON THE BONK.
A LOVELY DOO FOR IT.
MONSIEUR, WE ARE
HAVING A PICNIC.
A POCKNOCK?
SPLONDID.
PERHAPS I COULD
HAVE A KNOBBLE.
MMM, SMOOKED SIMMON,
AND WHAT IS THE WEEN?
A 1938 CHATEAU
NERF-DO-PIP.
YOU REALLY ARE
TROOTING YOURSELVES
TO A SLIP
OF MOLE.
WHEN A FRENCHMAN
TAKES A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN
OUT FOR A PICNIC
HE WANTS TO BE
ALONE WITH HER.
ARE YOU TREEING
TO TELL ME SOMETHING?
YES, I AM TELLING YOU
TO GET KNOTTED.
WELL, THERE'S NO NUDE TO
BE QUITE SO REED ABOUT IT.
I CAN TAKE A HONT.
I KNEE WHEN
I AM NIT WINTED.
GOOD DOO TO YOU BOTH.
AT LAST
WE ARE ALONE.
OH, MADAME EDITH,
HOW BEAUTIFUL YOU ARE.
JUST TO BE HERE
WITH YOU
MAKES MY TICKER
THUMP LIKE A DRUM.
OH, MONSIEUR ALFONSE,
I HOPE YOU ARE
NOT GOING TO TAKE
ADVANTAGE OF ME.
I AM A TRUE
FRENCH GENTLEMAN.
I HAVE NOTHING BUT
THE GREATEST RESPECT
FOR YOUR HONOR.
IS ANYONE LOOKING?
NO.
OH, MONSIEUR ALFONSE!
( coughing )
- OH, A TUG!
- I'M READY.
COLONEL, I THINK
THE DOGFISH HAS
RECOVERED.
IT IS PULLING HARD
ON THE LINE.
- DON'T LET IT ESCAPE.
- ( barks )
OH DEAR,
THE DOGFISH HAS
BITTEN THROUGH THE LINE.
STOP IT.
COME BACK!
Gruber:
IT HAS SWUM
AWAY, COLONEL.
YOU MEAN WE HAVE LOST
10 MILLION FRANCS
AND NOT EVEN
GOT THE PHOTOGRAPH
IN EXCHANGE?
YOU IDIOTS.
I BLAME YOU FOR THIS.
NOW, COLONEL,
DO NOT DO ANYTHING HASTY.
RENE, WHAT CAN WE DO?
THERE IS ONLY
ONE THING, LIEUTENANT:
RUN FOR IT.
DO YOU DO MUCH FISHING,
MONSIEUR ALFONSE?
OH YES,
WHENEVER I CAN.
THERE IS NOTHING
I LIKE BETTER THAN
TO BE ON A RIVERBANK
ON A FINE SUMMER'S DAY
DANGLING MY ROD
IN THE WATER.
I HAVE FISHED ALL OVER.
I HAVE CAUGHT
SALMON IN SCOTLAND,
TUNA IN PORTUGAL,
AND ONCE EVEN A SWORDFISH
OFF THE COAST OF SICILY.
OH, YOU ARE SUCH
A MAN OF THE WORLD.
MM-HMM,
I'VE BEEN AROUND
AND MET MANY PEOPLE
IN MY LIFE AS AN UNDERTAKER.
UNFORTUNATELY,
MOST OF THEM WERE DEAD.
TELL ME SOME MORE
TO IMPRESS ME.
I'VE GOT A BIG ONE.
IT IS A WHOPPER.
LOOK.
MONSIEUR ALFONSE, I--
OH MY GOODNESS, YES.
Alfonse:
IT IS A CHAMPION DOGFISH.
LOOK AT THE SIZE OF IT.
IT MUST WEIGH
AT LEAST 32 LBS.
WELL DONE,
MONSIEUR ALFONSE.
WE MUST SELL IT
TO THE FISHMONGER.
IT COULD BE WORTH
A LOT OF MONEY.
COME ON, WE MUST
PICK UP THE PICNIC
THINGS IMMEDIATELY.
BUT, MONSIEUR ALFONSE,
WE ARE HAVING SUCH
A GOOD TIME.
OH, DO NOT TELL ME
YOU ARE MORE INTERESTED
IN FISH THAN IN ME.
OH, MADAME EDITH,
DON'T BE SILLY.
( chuckles )
IF IT CAME TO A CHOICE
BETWEEN YOU AND A DOGFISH
WORTH MAYBE 2000 FRANCS--
BUT OF COURSE
THERE IS NOT COMPETITION.
OH, YOU FLATTERER.
THE DOGFISH WINS
EVERY TIME.
WHAT ARE HELGA
AND I HAVING FOR DINNER?
I WAS LUCKY.
I FOUND A FRESHLY-CAUGHT
CHAMPION DOGFISH
FOR SALE
AT THE FISHMONGER'S.
IT WILL BE DELICIOUS.
WHY ARE YOU PUTTING TULIPS
IN WITH THE DOGFISH?
I AM COOKING IT
IN A HOLLANDAISE SAUCE.
HOLLANDAISE SAUCE
IS MADE WITH EGG YOLK
AND BUTTER,
NOT TULIPS.
BUT THE RECIPE JUST SAID
HOLLANDAISE SAUCE.
IT DID NOT SAY
HOW TO MAKE IT.
YOU ARE A NINCOMPOOP,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
GOOD EVENING, HERR FLICK.
I HOPE I'M NOT TOO EARLY
FOR DINNER.
NOT AT ALL.
SIT.
YOU WILL SERVE UP THE FISH,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
OH, ARE WE HAVING FISH?
YUMMY.
THAT IS NOT VERY
ELEGANTLY SERVED.
WELL, WE DO NOT HAVE
A PLATE BIG ENOUGH,
HERR FLICK.
WE ARE DOING OUR BEST
AS YOU CAN SEE.
MADAME.
MONSIEUR.
WHAT AN
INTERESTING-LOOKING SAUCE.
IT IS HOLLANDAISE.
AN UNUSUAL RECIPE KNOWN
ONLY TO VON SMALLHAUSEN
AND THE INMATES
OF THE AMSTERDAM NUTHOUSE.
( gagging )
HERR FLICK,
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
THERE APPEARS
TO BE SOME PAPER
INSIDE MY DOGFISH.
IT LOOKS LIKE
A 1,000-FRANC NOTE.
THE FISH IS STUFFED
WITH THEM.
OH MY GOD.
IT CAN'T BE.
DO YOU KNOW SOMETHING
ABOUT THIS, HELGA?
THIS AFTERNOON
THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
PAID OVER A BLACKMAIL DEMAND
OF 10 MILLION FRANCS
TO THE RESISTANCE.
IT WAS CONCEALED
INSIDE A LARGE DOGFISH
WHICH SWAM AWAY
DOWN THE RIVER WITH
THE MONEY STILL INSIDE IT.
BY SOME REMARKABLE
COINCIDENCE,
IT HAS ENDED UP
ON YOUR TABLE.
ALREADY A PLAN
IS FORMING IN MY BRAIN.
WE HAVE THE MONEY
BELONGING TO THE COLONEL.
HE HAS THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WHICH IS WORTH MUCH MORE
THAN THE 10 MILLION FRANCS
HE NEEDS FOR
THE BLACKMAILERS.
WE WILL OFFER
TO TRADE THE TWO
AND END UP QUIDS IN.
THAT IS A MASTERLY PLAN,
HERR FLICK.
OF COURSE,
WE WILL PUT IT INTO
OPERATION TOMORROW.
IN THE MEANTIME,
LET US ENJOY
OUR FISH.
WHAT'S THE MATTER,
HERR FLICK?
YOU'RE NOT CHOKING
ON MORE MONEY?
NO.
I NEARLY CHOKED
ON A TULIP.
I WOULD HAVE
GIVEN YOU MOUTH-TO-MOUTH
RESUSCITATION.
OOH, I AM CHOKING.
I'M CHOKING!
( shrieking )
I HAVE ANNOUNCED THAT
HITLER AND GOERING WILL BE
LEAVING THE TOWN TONIGHT.
THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE
WILL GET TO HEAR OF IT,
AND MAKE ANOTHER ATTEMPT
TO CAPTURE THEM.
WE DO NOT HAVE
TO DRESS UP
AS HITLER
AND GOERING AGAIN,
DO WE, GENERAL?
I STILL HAVE NOT
RECOVERED FROM OUR
LAST EXPERIENCE.
THEN WE WILL USE A COUPLE
OF EXPENDABLE PEASANTS
WHO FIT THE UNIFORMS.
WHERE WILL YOU
FIND THEM, GENERAL?
IN THE CAFE
IN THE SQUARE.
WE WILL PUT HIM
IN A CAR FILLED
WITH EXPLOSIVES
AND FOLLOW AT SOME
DISTANCE BEHIND IN YOUR
LITTLE TANK, GRUBER.
WHEN THE COMMUNISTS
SURROUND THE CAR
WE WILL DETONATE
THE EXPLOSIVES
AND WIPE THEM ALL OUT.
COME, LET US GET
THE UNIFORMS AND GO
TO THE CAFE AT ONCE.
I'M NOT AT ALL KEEN
ON THIS IDEA, GRUBER.
THE PEASANTS ARE GOING
TO BE EVEN LESS KEEN.
ON THE DOUBLE.
LEFT RIGHT,
LEFT RIGHT,
LEFT RIGHT.
THREE LITTLE MAIDS
FROM SCHOOL ARE WE
PERT AS A SCHOOLGIRL
WELL CAN BE
FILLED TO THE BRIM
WITH GIRLISH GLEE
- THREE LITTLE MAIDS
- SILENCE!
FROM SCHOOL.
UNBELIEVABLE.
ALL YOU PEASANTS
LINE UP ACROSS THE CAFE.
JUMP TO IT.
I DO NOT TAKE ORDERS
FROM GERMANS,
ESPECIALLY FAT
BALDING ONES
WITH PIGGY EYES.
WHO SAID THAT?
All:
SHE DID.
I AM VERY SORRY, GENERAL.
IT IS MY OLD
MOTHER-IN-LAW.
SHE IS A LITTLE BIT
GAGA, YOU KNOW.
COME ALONG,
YOU SILLY OLD BAT.
LINE UP.
YOU ARE GOING TO GE
US ALL SHOT.
COME ON, FANNY.
NOW WE ARE LOOKING
FOR TWO PEASANTS
TO DRESS AS HITLER
AND GOERING
AND ACT AS DECOYS
TO HELP US DEFEAT
THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.
ANY VOLUNTEERS?
THAT DOESN'T SURPRISE ME.
COLONEL GRUBER,
HOLD THE UNIFORMS
UP TO THE PEASANTS.
WHOEVER MOST CLOSELY
FITS THE UNIFORM ACTS
AS THE DECOYS.
I WOULD NOT
BE SEEN DEAD IN
A GERMAN UNIFORM.
I SPIT ON YOU ALL!
FANNY, CONTROL YOURSELF.
SILENCE IN THE LINE.
WELL, GRUBER?
I'M AFRAID NO ONE APPEARS
TO MATCH THE GOERING
UNIFORM, GENERAL.
WHAT A PITY.
WE WILL HAVE TO ABANDON
THE WHOLE PLAN.
WHAT ABOUT
THAT FELLOW THERE?
WHAT, ME?
OH NO, HE LOOKS NOTHING
LIKE FIELD MARSHAL GOERING.
NONSENSE.
HE'S JUST THE RIGHT SHAPE.
BUT HE HAS A MUSTACHE.
WELL, IT WILL BE DARK.
THE COMMUNISTS WILL NOT
NOTICE A SMALL DETAIL LIKE
THAT AT SUCH A DISTANCE.
STEP FORWARD,
PEASANT.
YOU WILL BE GOERING.
WHAT ABOUT THE HITLER
UNIFORM, COLONEL?
THERE'S NO OBVIOUS
CANDIDATE, GENERAL.
LET ME SEE.
YOU'RE RIGHT.
THE MEN ARE NO GOOD.
WHAT ABOUT THIS ONE?
- IT'S A WOMAN, GENERAL.
- I CAN SEE THAT.
SHE'S THE RIGHT
HEIGHT AND BUILD.
MM, EXCELLENT.
SHE WILL DO NICELY.
NOW WE NEED A PEASANT
TO ACT AS DRIVER.
ALL NON-DRIVING PEASANTS
STEP BACKWARDS.
WHAT DID HE SAY?
HE SAID YOU ARE
THE DRIVER.
- I MUST PROTEST--
- SILENCE!
ONE MORE WORD
AND I'LL HAVE YOU SHOT.
NOW TAKE THEM INTO
ANOTHER ROOM AND GET THEM
INTO THEIR UNIFORMS.
WE MUST HELP
SAVE THEM, MIMI.
WE MUST STOP
THE COMMUNISTS
ATTACKING THE CAR.
WE WILL FIND MICHELLE.
SHE WILL KNOW WHAT TO DO.
I AM DREADFULLY
SORRY, RENE.
THIS WHOLE BUSINESS
DISTRESSES ME GREATLY.
I AM NOT OVER
THE MOON ABOUT IT
MYSELF, LIEUTENANT.
WHO IS THREEING STOONS
AT MY WANDOW
IN THE MUDDLE
OF THE KNIT?
OFFICER CRABTREE,
IT IS US.
DO YOU KNOW WHERE
WE CAN FIND MICHELLE?
IT IS URGENT.
I AM HERE.
OFFICER CRABTREE
AND I WERE JUST
DISCUSSING
SOME VERY IMPORTANT
RESISTANCE BUSINESS.
THE GERMANS
ARE DRESSING UP
MADAME EDITH AND RENE
AS HITLER AND GOERING
TO ACT AS DECOYS.
THE COMMUNISTS
WILL ATTACK THEM
AND PERHAPS
THEY WILL BE KILLED.
WE MUST FIND
THE COMMUNISTS
AND STOP THEM.
I KNOW WHERE
YOU CAN FIND THEM.
WE WILL PIT
ON SOME CLOOS
AND BE ROT DOON.
THERE IS NO
TEAM TO LEESE.
NOT SO FAST,
MONSIEUR LECLERC.
IT IS AGAINST THE LAW.
WE COULD BE SHOT
TO PIECES AT ANY MOMENT
BY THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,
AND ALL YOU CAN WORRY ABOUT
IS THE SPEED LIMIT.
( dog barking )
WHAT DO YOU WANT?
WE ARE SEERY TO DISTOOB YOU
AT THIS TOME OF NIT.
WE HAVE COME
TO WARN YOU NOT TO ATTACK
HITLER AND GOERING
WHEN THEY LEAVE
THE TOWN TONIGHT.
THEY ARE NOT THE REAL
HITLER AND GOERING,
BUT RENE
AND MADAME EDITH.
THEY HAVE BEEN FORCED
TO DRESS UP AS THE GERMANS
TO LAY A TRAP
TO CATCH YOU.
WE ARE ATTACKING
NO ONE TONIGHT.
WE'RE IN THE MIDDLE
OF AN IMPORTANT COMMITTEE
MEETING.
WHAT IS IT?
OH, IT'S NOTHING.
I'VE DEALT WITH IT.
COME BACK INSIDE THEN.
WE HAVE REACHED ITEM SIX
ON THE AGENDA.
( both chuckle )
IF ONLY OUR COMMITTEE
MEETINGS WERE LIKE THAT.
I AM READY TO DETONATE
THE EXPLOSIVES
AS SOON AS THE COMMUNISTS
ATTACK THE CAR.
ISN'T THIS FUN?
YES, GENERAL.
JUST MY IDEA
OF A NIGHT OUT.
ANY SIGN OF THE RESISTANCE
YET, GRUBER?
NO, GENERAL.
THE CAR IS NEARLY
AT THE BRIDGE OVER THE RIVER,
BUT NO ONE HAS
ATTACKED IT YET.
THE CAR IS CROSSING
THE BRIDGE.
IT'S OUT OF YOUR
JURISDICTION NOW,
GENERAL.
THE OTHER SIDE
OF THE RIVER
IS GENERAL VON KARZIBROT'S
TERRITORY.
THE COMMUNISTS
MUST HAVE GOT WIND
OF YOUR PLAN
- AND STAYED AWAY.
- DAMN.
I WAS QUITE LOOKING FORWARD
TO BLOWING THEM ALL
INTO SMITHEREENS.
( engine stops )
( engine sputters )
WHO FORGOT TO PUT
SOME PETROL IN?
OH DEAR.
THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE
HAVE NOT ATTACKED, RENE.
SURELY THE GODS
MUST BE SMILING
ON US TONIGHT.
THERE ARE SOME
GERMAN SOLDIERS
ON THE ROAD AHEAD.
THANK GOD.
THEY MUST BE SOME
OF THE GENERAL'S MEN
COME TO GET
US OUT OF THESE
WRETCHED UNIFORMS.
THIS WILL BE
THE FUHRER NOW.
STOP THE CAR.
GENERAL VON KARZIBROT,
OFFICER COMMANDING THE
ABBEVILLE GARRISON.
WE HEARD THAT
YOU WERE LEAVING
FOR BERLIN TONIGHT.
HOWEVER, WE, A GROUP
OF GENERALS, HAVE DECIDED
IT IS BETTER
IF YOU DO NOT GET THERE.
YOU HAVE MADE
A COMPLETE MESS
OF THIS WAR
AND NOW YOU HAVE
TO PAY THE PRICE.
TAKE THE FUHRER INTO
THE FIELD AND SHOOT HIM.
- WHAT?
- RENE, SAY SOMETHING.
SAVE ME.
YOU CANNOT DO THIS.
THAT IS MY WIFE.
HITLER IS MARRIED
TO GOERING?
WE ARE NOT SHOOTING THEM
A MOMENT TOO SOON.
TAKE HIM INTO THE FIELD
AND SHOOT HIM.
HELP, SAVE ME!
DO SOMETHING.
( theme music playing )