'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s08e07 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
EH, YOU MAY WONDER
WHAT I AM DOING
IN A FIELD
IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT
DRESSED AS
AIR MARSHAL GOERING.
THERE IS,
AS USUAL, A VERY
SIMPLE EXPLANATION.
EDITH AND I ARE
TO DRESS AS HITLER
AND GOERING
ON THE ORDERS
OF GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
TO ACT AS DECOYS
TO HELP HIM
CATCH THE LOCAL
COMMUNIST RESISTANCE.
UNFORTUNATELY,
HIS PLAN WENT WRONG
AND WE ARE NOW
IN THE HANDS OF GENERAL
VON KARZIBROT
WHO RUNS
THE NEIGHBORING GARRISON
AND WHO IS, IT TURNS OUT,
ONE OF THE, UH--
ONE OF THE REBEL
GENERALS WHO IS PLOTTING
TO ASSASSINATE HITLER.
DUE TO THE BAD LIGHT,
HE THINKS THAT WE ARE
THE REAL HITLER AND GOERING
AND HAS JUST TAKEN EDITH
OVER THERE TO BE SHOT.
ALL I CAN DO NOW IS PRAY
THAT IF SHE HAS
ONE LAST WISH,
IT IS THAT HER OLD FRIEND
HERMANN GOERING
DOES NOT HAVE
TO SUFFER THE SAME FATE.
I WILL NOT STAND BY
AND SEE GERMANY
DESTROYED BY YOU
AND YOUR INSANE WAR!
FOR THE GOOD
OF THE FATHERLAND,
YOU MUST BE SHOT.
YOU ARE MAKING
A BIG MISTAKE, GENERAL.
MY NAME IS EDITH!
VERY WELL,
I HAVE NO TIME TO ARGUE.
I, GENERAL
VAN KARZIBROT,
HEREBY SENTENCE YOU,
EDITH, TO BE SHOT!
FIRING SQUAD,
TAKE AIM!
( leaves rustling )
HITLER, COME BACK!
FIRE!
THE BRITISH!
RETREAT! RETREAT!
WELL DONE, CHAPS.
CHURCHILL WILL GIVE US
ALL MEDALS FOR THIS.
RENE, WHAT IS
HAPPENING?
THEY ARE BRITISH
SOLDIERS, I THINK.
- OH, THANK GOODNESS.
- YEAH.
WE ARE SAVED.
I AM CAPTAIN FROBISHER
OF FIVE COMMANDO AND YOU
ARE MY PRISONERS.
WE HAVE WAITED
A LONG TIME FOR THIS MOMENT,
YOU NAZI SWINE.
WHAT IS
HE SAYING, RENE?
HOW SHOULD I KNOW?
I DO NOT SPEAK A WORD
OF THEIR LANGUAGE.
I'M GOING TO ENJOY
SEEING YOU PUT ON TRIAL
AND THEN SHOT,
YOU MONSTERS.
OH, THANK YOU,
HOW NICE.
THEY OBVIOUSLY REALIZE
WE ARE IMPORTANT, RENE.
- THESE UNIFORMS
HAVE SAVED OUR LIVES.
- MM
I AM NOT SO SURE, EDITH.
I NEVER THOUGHT
WE WOULD PULL IT OFF, SIR--
SNATCHING THESE TWO LIKE THAT.
OUR INTELLIGENCE
WAS SPOT-ON.
A DAMN FINE SHOW,
WENT LIKE CLOCKWORK.
JUST IN TIME TOO--
THEY WERE ABOUT TO SHOOT
THE BLIGHTERS.
RUM-LOOKING PAIR,
AREN'T THEY?
HITLER IS EVEN UGLIER
IN THE FLESH THAN HE IS
IN THE PROPAGANDA FILMS.
Man: GOERING HAS
GROWN A MUSTACHE, I SEE.
Frobisher:
DOESN'T IMPROVE HIM.
EVEN A BEARD
COULDN'T COVER UP
AN UGLY MUG LIKE THAT.
RENE, WHAT ARE
WE GOING TO DO?
WE HAVE GOT TO LET
THEM KNOW WE ARE NOT
REALLY HITLER AND GOERING.
HOW? I CANNOT SPEAK
ANY OF THE LANGUAGE.
PERHAPS ONE OF THEM
SPEAKS FRENCH.
I WILL TRY.
EXCUSE ME, WE ARE
NOT REALLY HITLER
AND GOERING, YOU KNOW?
WHAT IS HE TALKING
ABOUT, PILKERS?
DO YOU
UNDERSTAND GERMAN?
IT SOUNDED MORE
LIKE FRENCH, SIR.
I SPEAK A FEW WORDS.
( clears throat )
SAY WHAT DID YOU?
RENE, ONE OF THEM
SPEAKS FRENCH.
SORT OF.
I AM JUST A SIMPLE
PEASANT WOMAN.
HITLER SAYS
HE'S A WOMAN, SIR!
THE RUMORS ABOU
THE OPERATION
WERE TRUE.
AND THIS IS
MY HUSBAND.
GOOD LORD,
HE'S MARRIED
TO GOERING!
THEN NO WONDER
THEY'RE LOSING THE WAR.
BETTER UNTIE
THOSE HANDS.
OH, THEY DID NOT SEEM
TO UNDERSTAND, RENE.
I WILL PROVE TO YOU
I AM A WOMAN.
SHE'S GOING TO PROVE
SHE'S A WOMAN!
MEN, LOOK
THE OTHER WAY!
SEE, IT IS
A FALSE MUSTACHE.
NO--
( mumbles )
WE ARE JUST PEASANTS
WHO RUN THE LOCAL CAFE
IN THE NEARBY TOWN.
ACTUALLY, SIR,
HE DOES LOOK A BIT
LIKE A WOMAN.
THE OTHER ONE
DOESN'T LOOK
THAT MUCH LIKE GOERING.
I THINK THERE'S BEEN
AN ALMIGHTY --, PILKERS.
WE HAVEN'T SNATCHED
HITLER AND GOERING
AFTER ALL.
I WONDER WHAT
THEY ARE SAYING NOW.
I'VE PICKED UP
WHEN THE BRITISH AIRMEN
WERE WITH US..
I THINK THEY ARE GOING
TO GIVE US A LIFT BACK
DOWN THE ROAD.
- OH, THANK YOU,
THANK YOU.
- RIGHT.
( Edith screams )
SO MUCH FOR
YOUR FEW WORDS
- ARE YOU HURT?
- NO.
FORTUNATELY, I LANDED
ON TOP OF YOU.
WE'LL HAVE TO WALK
BACK TO NOUVION NOW.
DRESSED LIKE THIS?!
ARE YOU MAD?
SOME PEASANT COULD
TAKE A POTSHOT AT US.
WHAT WE NEED IS
DIFFERENT CLOTHES.
- I HAVE AN IDEA,
RENE.
- HMM?
- FOLLOW ME.
- WHAT?
( grunts softly )
THROW THAT
OLD DRUNK OUT.
IT IS I, LECLERC.
SOMETHING TERRIBLE
HAS HAPPENED.
- WHERE ARE RENE
AND MADAME EDITH?
- GIVE ME A DRINK.
THEY WERE TAKEN
PRISONER BY THE GENERAL
IN THE NEXT DISTRICT
WHO THOUGHT THEY WERE
THE REAL HITLER AND GOERING.
HE'S A REBEL
WHO WANTS HITLER
OVERTHROWN.
HE SENT ME AWAY IN THE CAR
WHILE HE TOOK RENE
AND MADAME EDITH
INTO A FIELD
TO BE SHOT.
- ( all gasp )
- OH MY GOD,
- THEY ARE PROBABLY
BOTH DEAD BY NOW!
- OH-HH.
I'D BETTER
SAY A PRAYER.
OH, LORD, WATCH OVER
MY DAUGHTER EDITH
WHO HAS SO TRAGICALLY
BEEN TAKEN FROM ME.
All: AMEN.
AND IF YOU ARE
STILL LISTENING
DOWN THERE,
KEEP AN EYE ON THAT
ROTTEN HUSBAND OF HERS.
NOW I WONDER
IF THEY HAVE LEFT A WILL.
MADAME FANNY,
HOW COULD YOU EVEN THINK
OF SUCH A THING
AT A TIME LIKE THIS?
ALTHOUGH MADAME EDITH
DID ALWAYS SAY I COULD
HAVE THE SILVER CUTLERY
AND A CHOICE
OF HER WARDROBE.
AND THE JEWELRY
WAS PROMISED TO ME.
YOU WILL HAVE NOTHING.
I AM HER SOLE RELATIVE
AND THE CAFE IS MINE
IN ANY CASE.
IT IS ALL MINE!
- OURS.
- NO!
( groans )
YOU GET THE MONEY
OUT OF THE TILL.
WE WILL LEAVE
FOR PARIS TONIGHT
- AND HAVE
A FINAL FLING.
- YEAH.
THEN THROW
THESE OLD USELESS BODIES
INTO THE SEINE!
COULD YOU NOT
JUST THROW YOURS IN?
APART FROM WHICH,
THE LAST TRAIN TO PARIS
HAS ALREADY LEFT.
OH, WHERE IS
YOUR GET-UP-AND-GO?!
IT HAS GOTTEN UP
AND GONE.
WE CAN USE
THE OLD ICE-CREAM VAN
FROM ROUND THE BACK.
MMM, THERE'S
NO PETROL IN IT.
WELL, WE WILL USE
ALCOHOL.
YOU GIRLS-- YOU GO
DOWN TO THE CELLAR
AND BRING UP FIVE CASES
OF METHYLATED SPIRIT.
THAT'S A LOT OF METH
JUST TO GET YOU TO PARIS.
WHATEVER IS LEFT OVER
WE CAN DRINK.
WAS IT NOT A GOOD IDEA
OF MINE TO TAKE THESE CLOTHES
OFF THE SCARECROWS, RENE?
IT'S VERY UNCOMFORTABLE.
THIS STRAW GETS
EVERYWHERE.
( groaning )
WHAT IS IT, RENE?
THERE IS A FIELD MOUSE
DOWN MY TROUSERS.
- ( mouse squeaks )
- ( groaning )
- ( car approaching )
- LOOK, RENE,
SOMETHING IS COMING
DOWN THE ROAD.
MAYBE WE CAN PERSUADE THEM
TO GIVE US A LIFT
BACK INTO TOWN.
THAT WAS MY OLD
ICE-CREAM VAN.
WITH MAMA
AND MONSIEUR LECLERC.
WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
THEY WILL NEVER SELL
ANY ICE CREAM
GOING AT THAT SPEED.
NOW THAT RENE
AND MADAME EDITH
ARE GONE,
WE WILL HAVE TO RUN
THE CAFE OURSELVES.
I WILL LOOK
AFTER THE BAR WHILE
YOU SERVE THE CUSTOMERS.
( gasps )
WHO ARE YOU
TO GIVE ME ORDERS?
I WILL LOOK
AFTER THE BAR, NOT YOU.
WHY DON'T WE STEP
OUTSIDE AND SETTLE
THIS WOMAN TO WOMAN?
THAT'S FINE BY ME.
- ( doorbell rings )
- SAVED BY THE BELL.
GOOD MOANING.
WE HAVE HID
THE BOD NOSE ABOUT
RONNIE AND MADAME EDITH.
IT IS A TERRIBLE TRAGEDY.
- POUR ME A DRINK.
- I'LL HAVE A DOUBLE
BRANDY.
MY DICKY TICKER IS
ALMOST BROKEN.
AH. DEAR MADAME EDITH--
SHE WAS A FINE WOMAN,
THE BEST.
NOW I WILL BURY THEM BOTH
AT A VERY REASONABLE RATE.
NOW THEY ARE GONE,
I AM TAKING OVER
THIS BAR.
WE WILL RUN IT
FOR THE BENEFIT
OF FRANCE,
MY BRAVE GIRLS
AND ME.
BUT WE WILL START
WITH ME.
WHERE IS THE MONEY?
MADAME FANNY AND
MONSIEUR LECLERC TOOK IT.
THEY HAVE GONE TO PARIS.
- FOR A FINAL FLING.
- OH, NEVER MIND.
WE WILL SOON
FILL IT UP AGAIN.
OFFICER CRABTREE,
YOU WILL TAKE OVER
THE BAR.
SPLONDID!
I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED
TO WICK BEHIND THE BOAR,
PILLING PUNTS AND CHITTING
TO THE KISTOMERS.
YES, BUT FIRST WE MUST
INCREASE THE TAKINGS.
HOW MUCH IS
A BOTTLE OF WINE?
200 FRANCS.
THEN WE'LL DOUBLE IT
IMMEDIATELY TO 400.
BUT NOBODY
WILL PAY 400 FRANCS
FOR A BOTTLE OF WINE.
ESPECIALLY THE PLONK
THEY SERVE HERE.
WE WILL SEE
ABOUT THAT.
( clears throat )
THIS CAFE IS
NOW BEING RUN BY US.
HANDS UP HERE
ANYONE WHO WANTS A BOTTLE
OF WINE AT 400 FRANCS?
THIS NEVER FAILS.
OH, LOOK,
THERE'S A PARCEL, GRUBER.
AH. AND A LETTER
MARKED "PRIVATE
AND CONFIDENTIAL".
IT'S FOR YOU.
I WONDER
WHO IT'S FROM.
IT IS FROM JUAN GARCIA.
OUR DISGUISES
ARE IN THIS BOX.
HE'LL MEET US
AT THE CROSSROADS
AT 10:00 TOMORROW NIGHT.
SO MUCH FOR PRIVATE
AND CONFIDENTIAL.
GOOD EVENING, COLONEL.
LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
WE HAVE JUST LEARNED
THAT JUAN GARCIA IS COMING
HERE TOMORROW NIGHT.
WE WILL NEED
THE MISSING BOOBY
YOU CUT FROM THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
SO WE CAN SELL IT
IN SPAIN.
THERE IS
AN EASIER WAY.
I'VE JUST HAD DINNER
WITH HERR FLICK
OF THE GESTAPO.
HOW COULD YOU, HELGA?
HE'S SUCH A HORRIBLE
SLIMY LITTLE WORM.
WE'VE HAD
A LARGE DOGFISH
WITH A VERY
INTERESTING STUFFING.
MY GOD, HELGA, YOU DON'T
MEAN THE DOGFISH
CONTAINING OUR
10 MILLION FRANCS?
THE VERY SAME-- BOUGHT
AT THE FISHMONGER'S.
HERR FLICK IS WILLING
TO DO A SWAP.
HE WILL GIVE US
THE 10 MILLION FRANCS
IF WE GIVE HIM THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.
NEVER!
THE PAINTING IS WORTHY
MUCH MORE THAN THAT.
COLONEL, I THINK HELGA
MIGHT HAVE A POINT.
WE WOULD BE
MUCH BETTER OFF
WITH THE CASH.
MMM
OH, VERY WELL.
HELGA, TELL HERR FLICK
WE WILL SEE HIM
TOMORROW NIGHT
IN THE CAFE RENE
IN THE BACKROOM
AT 9:30.
WE WILL DO THE EXCHANGE
AND THEN WE'LL GO STRAIGHT
TO THE CROSSROADS
TO MEET JUAN GARCIA.
AS YOU WISH, COLONEL.
WHERE IS
THE MISSING BOOBY?
I CARRY IT
WITH ME ALWAYS.
I WILL PRODUCE IT
FOR YOU.
HOW DO I KNOW
I CAN TRUST YOU,
COLONEL?
HELGA, I'M AN OFFICER
OF THE GERMAN ARMY.
THAT IS WHAT I MEAN.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
YOUR ATTENTION, PLEASE.
IT IS CABARET TIME
AT CAFE RENE.
I GIVE YOU
THE SINGING
POLICEMAN AND MICHELLE
OF THE RESISTANCE.
OH!
FORGET I SAID THAT.
I WILL NOW TICKLE
THE IVORIES.
( clears throat )
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
WE SHALL SING THIS
ONLY ONCE.
SHINE ON
SHINE ON,
HARVEST MOON ♪
UP IN THE SKOO
WE AIN'T HAD
NO LOVING
SINCE JANUARY,
FEBRUARY, JUNE ♪
AND JULOO
SNOW TIME AIN'T
NO TIME TO STAY
OUTSIDE AND SPOON
SO SHINE ON
SHINE ON,
HARVEST MOON
FOR ME
AND MY GHOUL.
RENE!
MADAME EDITH!
CAN IT BE TRUE?
YOU ARE ALIVE!
WELL, AS WE ARE HERE,
IT APPEARS THAT
IS SO, YES.
- WHAT A RELIEF.
- WE THOUGHT YOU
WERE DEAD.
SHOT BY A FURRING SQUID.
WE ESCAPED BY THE SKIN
OF OUR TEETH.
OH, WHO HAS WRITTEN
"UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT"
ON THIS MENU?
AND WHAT
ARE YOU DOING
SINGING IN OUR CAFE?
THAT IS MY ROLE.
YOU WILL DRIVE AWAY
ALL OUR CUSTOMERS SINGING
OFF-KEY LIKE THAT.
- I'M SURE THEY ARE
USED TO IT.
- ( gasps )
APART FROM WHICH,
WE WERE MERELY CONTINUING
YOUR BUSINESS.
WE DID NOT THUNK
YOU WERE COMING BICK.
SO THIS IS
WHAT HAPPENS WHEN I
AM AWAY FOR A MOMENT.
GET THAT APRON OFF
AND GET OUT OF HERE,
THE LOT OF YOU.
WE WERE ONLY
TRAYING TO HELP.
DON'T GET
YOUR KNOCKERS
IN A TWOSS.
IT IS GONE MIDNIGHT,
YOU WILL LOSE ME
MY LICENSE.
MIMI, YVETTE,
GET EVERYBODY
OUT OF HERE-- NOW.
QUICK.
OH. OH,
MADAME EDITH,
I WAS GRIEF STRICKEN
WITH THE THOUGHT
OF YOUR DEATH.
MY DICKY TICKER SOARS
AT THE SIGHT OF YOU.
OH, THANK YOU,
MONSIEUR ALFONSE.
- I KNOW HOW MUCH
YOU CARE ABOUT ME.
- OH, YES.
AND I HAD CHOSEN
A BEAUTIFUL COFFIN
FOR YOU AS WELL.
OH WELL, I WILL KEEP I
FOR ANOTHER DAY, HUH?
THIS IS NOT MUCH
FOR AN EVENING'S
TAKINGS.
MADAME FANNY
AND MONSIEUR LECLERC
TOOK THE REST.
THEY HAVE GONE TO PARIS
FOR A BINGE BEFORE THEY
JUMP IN THE SEINE.
OH MY GOD,
SO THAT IS WHERE MY
ICE-CREAM VAN WAS GOING?
IT IS TYPICAL OF MAMA.
SHE NEVER WANTED TO
GO OUT QUIETLY.
SHE NEVER
DID ANYTHING QUIETLY.
THOSE TAKINGS SHOULD GO
TO THE RESISTANCE.
WE ARE DESPERATELY
SHIRT OF KISH.
THAT IS NOT MY FAULT.
YOU ARE PARTLY TO BLAME
FOR THE DOGFISH BUNGLE
WHICH LOST US THE 10 MILLION
FRANCS FROM THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
THEN WHY NOT ASK THEM
FOR MORE?
WE HAVE
DECIDED TO SHOW THEM
WE MEAN BUSINESS.
WE HAVE SENT
THE INCRIMINATING PHOTOGRAPH
WHICH IMPLICATES THEM
IN THE THEFT
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
TO GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN
WHO WILL NO DOUBT
HAVE THEM SHOT.
IN THE MEANTIME,
I SHALL TAKE THIS
FOR SINGING TONIGHT.
I NEVER GET PAID
FOR SINGING.
WELL, YOU SHOULD
BE PAID FOR NOT SINGING.
- AND I WILL
HAVE SOME TOO.
- WHAT?
AFTER ALL,
I PLAYED THE PIANO.
WHAT ABOUT MOO?
DON'T I GET ANY WOGES?
HERE.
IF YOU NUDE A SAGOON
I'M FROO ON MINDAYS
AND SOTADAYS.
GET OUT!
OH, THERE'S
GRITITUDE FOR YOU.
WHAT A NIGHT.
I AM EXHAUSTED!
LET US GO UP
TO BED.
I AM NOT THAT EXHAUSTED.
I UNDERSTAND THE WEATHER
IN SPAIN IS--
DID YOU ORDER
A WINDOW CLEANER?
- NO, WHY?
- A LADDER HAS JUST
COME INTO VIEW.
( groans softly )
RENE!
PARDON ME FOR
THIS UNEXPECTED
APPEARANCE
ON YOUR BALCONY,
LIEUTENANT.
- RENE, WHAT
A LOVELY SURPRISE.
- ( chuckles )
BUT I MUST TELL YOU
THAT I AM NOT ALONE
AT THE MOMENT.
NO NO, NO NO NO.
I WANT TO SPEAK
WITH BOTH OF YOU
- TO GIVE YOU A WARNING.
- WHAT ABOUT?
UH, THE RESISTANCE PEOPLE--
WHO I DO NOT KNOW--
HAVE SENT
THE INCRIMINATING PHOTOGRAPHS
OF THE LIEUTENANT
- TO GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
- ( gasps )
- WHAT?!
- MM-HMM. HE WILL GET IT
SOMETIME THIS MORNING.
MY GOD, WHAT
ARE WE GOING TO DO?!
THE GENERAL WILL COME HERE
AND ARREST US FOR
STEALING THE FALLEN
MADONNA FROM HIM.
RENE, YOU WILL
HAVE TO HIDE US
IN YOUR CAFE.
OH, NO, COLONEL.
I'M SORRY, THAT IS
OUT OF THE QUESTION.
JUST TILL TONIGHT, RENE.
WE HAVE SOME BUSINESS
WITH HERR FLICK
IN YOUR BACKROOM
AND THEN WE ARE
HEADING FOR SPAIN
WITH JUAN GARCIA
AND HIS FLAMENCO TROUPE.
I-I-- I CANNOT DO IT.
THE RESISTANCE WOULD
SHOOT ME
IF I GAVE YOU SHELTER.
AND I WILL SHOOT YOU
IF YOU DON'T.
I WILL SEE YOU LATER.
BYE.
WE ARE TO MEET
WITH THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
IN THE BACKROOM
OF THE CAFE RENE
AT 9:30 THIS EVENING,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
YES, HERR FLICK.
IT IS PAST MY USUAL BEDTIME,
BUT I HOPE YOU
WILL LET ME STAY UP
AT LEAST FOR THIS ONCE.
THERE WE WILL EXCHANGE
THE 10 MILLION FRANCS
WE FOUND
INSIDE THE DOGFISH
FOR THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA.
IT WILL BE A BARGAIN
AT THAT PRICE,
HERR FLICK.
ESPECIALLY AS I DO NOT
INTEND TO HAND OVER
THE WHOLE 10 MILLION.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?
I HAVE DEVISED
A CUNNING PLAN.
WE WILL SHOW THEM
A SMALL AMOUNT
OF REAL MONEY,
BUT MOST OF THE CASH
WILL BE PAPER
CUT UP TO LOOK
LIKE 1000-FRANC NOTES.
THAT IS A MASTERLY PLAN,
HERR FLICK!
AREN'T THEY ALWAYS?
NOW,
I HAVE HERE ON THE DESK
A NUMBER OF MAGAZINES.
YOU WILL CUT THEM UP
WITH A KNIFE
TO THE EXACT SIZE
OF THIS NOTE
I HAVE PASTED
TO THIS BLOCK OF WOOD.
- I WILL DO IT AT ONCE,
HERR FLICK.
- STOP!
FIRST, I MUST
GIVE YOU A WARNING.
THESE MAGAZINES
ARE OLD COPIES
OF THE HITLER YOUTH
UNADORNED
ARYAN MAIDEN QUARTERLY.
YOU ARE FORBIDDEN
TO LOOK AT THEM.
I MEAN, HOW WILL I
CUT THEM UP?!
YOU WILL WEAR
THIS PAPER BAG
ON YOUR HEAD
AND DO IT BY TOUCH.
THERE.
YOU MAY BEGIN.
AND NO WIGGLY EDGES.
WE ARE NOT
MAKING DOILIES.
HOW LONG DO WE HAVE
TO HIDE, GRUBER?
I'M GETTING CRAMPED
IN HERE.
PATIENCE, COLONEL,
IT'S ONLY A FEW HOURS MORE.
IT'S ALL RIGHT FOR YOU,
YOU'RE IN BED.
IT'S SO IGNOMINIOUS
FOR A MAN OF MY RANK
TO BE HIDING
UNDER A CHAMBER POT.
AND WHERE'S THE FOOD
THAT MADAME EDITH
PROMISED US?
I WILL TRY TO ATTRACT
SOMEONE'S ATTENTION,
COLONEL.
( whimpers )
EDITH!
EDITH!
WILL NO ONE HERE
WHO HEARS THE CRIES
OF A POOR OLD WOMAN?
( taps on floor )
EDITH! EDITH!
COMING, MAMA.
OH, I MEAN,
LIEUTENANT.
I HAVE BOUGHT
YOU BOTH SOME SOUP.
HOW AM I EXPECTED
TO DRINK SOUP
IN THIS CABINET?!
AH. I HAVE
COME PREPARED.
NOW YOU SUCK
THROUGH THIS,
BUT DON'T SUCK
TOO HARD
OR YOU WILL GET
INDIGESTION.
MADAME EDITH, GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN IS HERE.
HE'S SEARCHING
THE CAFE FOR THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
IN FACT I HEAR HIS FOOTS
ON THE STAIRS NOW.
OH MY GOD!
DO NOT GIVE US AWAY!
OH, YOU ARE SAFE,
LIEUTENANT.
THE GENERAL DOES NOT
KNOW MAMA VERY WELL,
AND IF YOU ACT LIKE HER,
HE WILL BE FOOLED
BY YOUR DISGUISE.
( hiccupping )
THE SOUP HAS GONE
DOWN THE WRONG WAY.
QUICKLY, COLONEL,
GET BACK UNDER
THE CHAMBER POT.
GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
I ASSURE YOU, GENERAL,
THERE IS ONLY MY OLD
MOTHER-IN-LAW UP HERE.
I INTEND TO SEARCH EVERY
BUILDING IN THE TOWN
UNTIL I FIND THEM.
I HAVE INFORMATION
THEY HAVE STOLEN
A VERY VALUABLE PAINTING
FROM MY QUARTERS.
- SEARCH UNDER THE BED
AND IN THAT CUPBOARD.
- YES, GENERAL.
THAT MOTHER-IN-LAW
DOESN'T LOOK VERY OLD TO ME.
OH, SHE IS VERY
WELL-PRESERVED
FOR HER AGE.
SHE HAS REMARKABLE TEETH
AND VERY FEW WRINKLES.
IT IS THE SIMPLE COUNTRY
LIFE SHE HAS LED--
PLENTY OF FRUITS
AND VEGETABLES.
WHO DID THAT?
MY MOTHER SUFFERS
TERRIBLY FROM INDIGESTION.
IT GIVES HER HICCUPS.
EDITH, WHO IS THE FAT KRAU
WITH THE PIGGY EYES?
- MAMA!
- GET HIM OUT OF HERE!
I SPIT ON HIM
AND ALL THE GERMANS!
SHUT UP,
YOU SILLY OLD BAT!
I'M VERY SORRY, GENERAL.
SHE IS GOING A LITTLE
BIT GAGA.
- ANYTHING?
- NO, GENERAL.
IF THE COLONEL
OR LIEUTENANT GRUBER COME
ANYWHERE NEAR YOUR CAFE,
- INFORM ME AT ONCE!
- OF COURSE, GENERAL.
GIVE THE OLD LADY
A GLASS OF WATER.
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT,
LIEUTENANT?
OH, I THINK I'VE
JUST AGED A GREAT
NUMBER OF YEARS.
AND THE COLONEL?
HAS HE GONE?
( hiccups )
I'VE GOT THE HICCUPS.
I CAN'T GET RID OF THEM.
A SUDDEN SHOCK
WOULD DO THE TRICK.
LOOK OUT, THE GENERAL
IS COMING BACK!
IT HAS DONE THE TRICK.
I THOUGHT IT WOULD.
AH. GOOD EVENING,
HERR FLICK, AND WELCOME.
GOOD EVENING.
WHERE IS RENE?
I WILL GET HIM FOR YOU.
HERE, HELP YOURSELF
TO A DRINK.
THE FUTURE LOOKS
VERY ROSY FOR YOU
IF YOU STAY
WITH US, HELGA,
AFTER TONIGHT, WE WILL
HAVE BOTH THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
AND MOST OF THE 10
MILLION FRANCS.
BUT YOU'RE GIVING THE 10
MILLION FRANCS TO THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
THEY ARE MOSTLY
CUT-UP MAGAZINES,
NOT REAL MONEY.
HOW DEVIOUS YOU ARE,
HERR FLICK.
I'M SO GLAD
I'M ON YOUR SIDE.
AH. GOOD EVENING,
HERR FLICK, HELGA.
GOOD EVENING, PEASANT.
WE ARE EXPECTED IN
YOUR BACKROOM.
OF COURSE. THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
ARE ALREADY THERE
IN DISGUISE, READY
FOR THEIR ESCAPE.
JUST WAIT ONE MOMENT.
OH, RENE.
I AM AFRAID THIS IS
GOODBYE FOREVER.
THEN LET US SAY
FAREWELL.
PERHAPS THE FRENCH WAY.
WHAT?
DON'T THEY--
DON'T THEY HUG
AND KISS ON THE CHEEK?
( stammers )
ONLY WHEN PRESENTING MEDALS
OR IN A DIRE EMERGENCY.
AH. UH, ONE MOMENT.
THIS WAY, PLEASE,
HERR FLICK, HELGA.
I WILL ENSURE
THAT YOU ARE NOT
DISTURBED.
- GOOD EVENING.
- LET'S GET STRAIGHT
TO BUSINESS.
DID YOU BRING
THE 10 MILLION FRANCS?
IT IS IN THIS
ATTACHE CASE.
HAVE YOU
BROUGHT THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLING MADONNA
WITH THE BIG BOOBIES
BY VAN KLOMP?
I HAVE IT HERE.
THEN LET US COMPLETE
THE TRANSACTION.
WE WANT TO SEE
THE MONEY FIRST.
VON SMALLHAUSEN,
OPEN THE CASE.
- SEEMS IN ORDER.
- NOW THE PAINTING.
WE WRAPPED IT
IN NEWSPAPER
TO PROTECT IT.
THERE IS
ONE OF THE BOOBIES.
NO TOUCHING,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
I WAS JUST CHECKING
ITS AUTHENTICITY,
HERR FLICK.
HELGA, YOU KNOW
MORE ABOUT BOOBIES
THAN ANYONE ELSE.
IS THAT
THE REAL THING?
YES, HERR FLICK,
THAT IS DEFINITELY
A VAN KLOMP BOOBY.
WE WISH TO SEE MORE
OF THE PAINTING.
WE WISH TO SEE MORE
OF THE MONEY.
WE HAVE SEEN ENOUGH
OF THE PAINTING.
WE HAVE SEEN ENOUGH
OF THE MONEY.
WE WILL LEAVE
BY THE WINDOW,
GRUBER.
GOODBYE, HELGA.
PERHAPS WE SHALL MEET
WHEN THE WAR IS OVER.
GOODBYE, COLONEL,
LIEUTENANT.
GOODBYE, HELGA.
AND GOOD RIDDANCE.
POUR US SOME WINE,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
WE WILL CELEBRATE
THE DOUBLE-CROSS
OF THE CENTURY.
THOSE IDIOTS WERE
COMPLETELY FOOLED
BY MY CUNNING
DECEPTION.
HERR FLICK, YOU ARE
SO IRRESISTIBLY ATTRACTIVE
WHEN YOU'RE BEING
UNDERHAND AND DISHONEST.
- MAY I KISS YOU?
- LET US LOOK AT
THE PAINTING FIRST.
THERE IS NO PAINTING,
JUST A BOOBY!
WE HAVE BEEN
DIDDLED!
QUICK, AFTER THEM!
OH, RENE, I DO NOT KNOW
WHAT'S HAPPENED TO
DR. LE COMTE.
HE'S VERY LATE.
AND WE NEED THOSE
EXTRA RATION BOOKS
BEFORE WE CAN ELOPE.
WELL, PERHAPS
YOU SHOULD WAIT
UNTIL ANOTHER NIGHT.
OH, YOU'RE NOT TRYING
TO GET OUT OF IT,
ARE YOU?
IF YOU ARE, I WILL
ANNOUNCE NOW THAT YOU'RE
THE FATHER OF MY CHILD.
OH, NO NO NO,
WE WILL ELOPE.
I WILL MEET YOU DOWN HERE
AT MIDNIGHT
AND WE WILL GET
THE MILK TRUCK TO PARIS.
OH, THANK GOODNESS,
HERE IS THE DOCTOR NOW.
I AM SORRY I AM LATE.
I HAD AN EMERGENCY
TO ATTEND TO.
HAVE YOU BROUGHT
MY EXTRA RATION BOOKS?
OH, I HAVE SOME
GOOD NEWS FOR YOU,
MY DEAR.
YOU ARE NOT
WITH CHILD AFTER ALL.
- WHAT?!
- IT'S BEEN
A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.
THE FROGS WHICH WE USE
FOR THE PREGNANCY TEST
GOT MIXED UP.
THEY LEAPT INTO
EACH OTHER'S JARS.
I JUST DISCOVERED
THE ERROR.
IT IS NOT YOU
WHO IS WITH CHILD,
IT IS MADAME LINARD,
THE DRESSMAKER.
I THOUGHT
YOU WOULD BE PLEASED.
IT IS PROBABLY
THE SHOCK, DOCTOR.
WELL, IF SHE IS
SO UPSET, SHE COULD
ALWAYS TRY AGAIN.
- PERISH THE THOUGHT.
- ( cries louder )
- OH WELL. GOOD NIGHT.
- GOOD NIGHT, DOCTOR.
- ( sobbing )
- OH, THERE THERE.
IMAGINE THAT--
MADAME LINARD PREGNANT
AND HER HUSBAND
DIED A YEAR AGO.
I WONDER WHO
THE FATHER IS.
DO NOT START
THAT AGAIN, EDITH.
CHEER UP.
IT IS GOOD NEWS.
OH, THIS HAS
BEEN HANGING OVER US
FOR FAR TOO LONG.
AND NOW IT IS OVER,
IT IS TIME TO REJOICE.
YES, YOU CAN SAY
THAT AGAIN, EDITH.
AHA, YES.
YVETTE HAS
AVOIDED THE SHAME
AND YOU AND I ARE
STILL IN ONE PIECE
AFTER LAST NIGHT.
HA-HA-HA.
THE GERMAN COMMANDANT
AND THE LIEUTENANT
HAVE GONE
AND SOON
THE WAR WILL BE OVER.
SUDDENLY,
EVERYTHING IS PERFECT.
I WILL SING A SONG
TO CELEBRATE.
( shrieks )
PERHAPS NOT AS PERFECT
AS IT COULD BE.
SHINE ON
SHINE ON,
HARVEST MOON
UP IN THE SKY
I AIN'T HAD
NO LOVING
SINCE JANUARY,
FEBRUARY, JUNE
- OR JULY
- ( theme music playing )