'Allo 'Allo! (1982) s09e01 Episode Script

( theme music playing )
( laughs, humming )
YOU ARE POSSIBLY WONDERING
WHY A MAN WHO LEADS
SUCH A DANGEROUS LIFE
IS HUMMING A HAPPY TUNE.
WELL, I HAVE A CAUSE
FOR CELEBRATION.
CONTRARY TO EXPECTATIONS,
YVETTE, MY YOUNG WAITRESS,
HAS TURNED OUT
NOT TO BE PREGNANT AT ALL.
APPARENTLY THE DOCTOR'S TESTS
GOT MIXED UP,
WHEN A FROG JUMPED
INTO THE WRONG BOTTLE.
AFTER SUCH A NARROW ESCAPE,
I HAVE SWORN A VOW
TO BE TRUE TO MY WIFE EDITH.
NATURALLY, I HAVE
NOT YET TOLD EDITH,
IN CASE I CANNOT KEEP IT UP,
BUT I AM GOING TO DO MY BEST.
AFTER ALL, IT IS RIDICULOUS
FOR A MAN OF MY AGE
TO GO CHASING
AFTER YOUNG GIRLS.
I MUST BE REALISTIC
AND LET AGE TAKE ITS COURSE.
OOOH,
HOW ABOUT A QUICK CUDDLE
IN THE BACK ROOM?
NOT TONIGHT,
YVETTE.
MADAME EDITH IS POKING
IN THE KITCHEN.
HMM?
THE DYING EMBERS
OF THE STOVE.
WELL, UH,
SPEAKING
OF DYING EMBERS,
AND I WAS NOT GOING
TO TELL YOU THIS SO SOON,
BUT THIS MAD AFFAIR
OF OURS IS OVER.
OH, RENE,
SAY IT IS NOT SO.
WELL, IT HAD
TO END SOMETIME,
JUST AS AUTUMN
FOLLOWS SUMMER,
AND THE LEAVES
OF THE CHESTNUT TREES
TURN BROWN
AND SHRIVEL AND FALL.
NOT TO MENTION
THE CONKERS.
RENE, IS THERE
SOMEONE ELSE?
HOW COULD THERE BE?
EVERY SPARE MOMEN
I AM WITH YOU,
HOLDING YOU
AND KISSING YOU,
AND RUNNING MY FINGERS
THROUGH YOUR HAIR,
FEELING YOUR WARM BREATH
ON MY CHEEK,
HOLDING YOUR FIRM,
YOUNG BODY
AGAINST MY FIRM,
STARCHED APRON.
QUICK,
THE BACK ROOM.
( Rene shrieks )
OH MY GOD!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I THINK I HAVE LOS
A FEW MORE LEAVES.
OH, I AM SORRY.
DID I STARTLE YOU?
YOU STUPID WOMAN.
HOW DARE YOU GIVE ME
A FRIGHT LIKE THAT?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY CREEPING
AROUND WITH A POKER,
- SPYING ON ME?
- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
I WAS POKING THE STOVE
IN THE KITCHEN,
WHEN SOMEHOW
THE DOOR GOT STUCK,
AND I HAD TO GO
ROUND THE SIDE,
AND THROUGH THE OPEN WINDOW
INTO THE BACK ROOM.
DID YOU NOT
HEAR ME CALLING?
I HEARD NOTHING.
AND WHY WOULD I
BE SPYING ON YOU?
HAVE YOU BEEN DOING
SOMETHING I WOULD NOT LIKE?
I HAVE NEVER DONE ANYTHING
YOU WOULD NOT LIKE.
THIS IS TRUE.
YVETTE,
CLEAR THE TABLES.
WE CLOSE VERY SOON.
YES, RENE.
( Yvette sobbing )
WHAT IS WRONG WITH HER?
WELL, IT IS CLEAR
THAT SHE IS VERY UPSET
BECAUSE SHE DID
NOT HEAR YOU.
SHE IS VERY FOND OF YOU,
YOU KNOW.
WHAT A GOOD GIRL SHE IS.
OH, RENE,
NOW THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER
HAVE DESERTED
AND GONE TO SPAIN
WITH THE FALLEN
MADONNA,
PERHAPS WE CAN GET BACK
TO A QUIET LIFE AGAIN.
I LOOK FORWARD TO IT.
I'VE HAD ENOUGH
EXCITEMENT FOR ONE WAR.
SHALL WE GO
INTO THE BACK ROOM
LIKE WE USED TO?
IT HAS BEEN
A LONG TIME
SINCE WE POPPED
IN THERE FOR A CUDDLE.
YOU MEAN THAT WET THURSDAY
IN 1937?
FANCY YOU
REMEMBERING THAT!
WELL, THAT WAS WHEN
I GOT AN ELECTRIC SHOCK
LOOKING FOR THE LIGHT SWITCH,
TRIPPED OVER A CHAIR,
AND BROKE MY TOOTH ON THE TABLE.
ONE DOES TEND TO REMEMBER
THAT SORT OF NIGHT.
I WILL GO FIRST
AND PUT ON THE LIGHT.
AAAGH!
IT IS THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
OH, NO.
I KNEW IT WAS TOO GOOD
TO BE TRUE.
RENE
WE NEED TO TALK
TO YOU.
WE HAVE
A SLIGHT PROBLEM.
AND SOMETHING TELLS ME
IT IS GOING
TO BECOME OUR PROBLEM.
YVETTE, MIMI--
BAR.
YOU ARE SUPPOSED
TO BE HEADING FOR SPAIN.
THE DAMNED R.A.F.--
BOMBED THE ROAD
JUST BEFORE THE BORDER
AND BLEW UP THE VAN.
WE STOLE BICYCLES,
HIDING BY DAY
AND RIDING BY NIGHT,
AND HEADED BACK HERE
TO FIND THE ONE PERSON
WE KNEW WOULD
HELP US ESCAPE.
BUT WE HAVE DONE
ALL WE CAN.
YES, GO.
IF THE GENERAL FINDS
A COUPLE OF DESERTERS
HIDING HERE,
WE WILL BE SHOT.
HE DOES NOT YET KNOW
WE WERE DESERTING.
THE GENERAL HAS THE PHOTO
OF YOU WITH THE PAINTING.
ALSO YOU HAVE BEEN
MISSING FOR A WEEK.
BY NOW HE WILL HAVE PUT
TWO AND TWO TOGETHER.
PLEASE GO.
WE GET CAUGHT,
YOU GET CAUGHT.
MAY I MAKE
A SUGGESTION?
WHAT IF THE PHOTO WERE
TAKEN AGAINST YOUR WILL
WHILE YOU WERE PRISONERS
OF THE RESISTANCE?
WHO WE
DO NOT KNOW.
LET US SAY THEY
HAVE CAPTURED YOU.
THEY FORCED
THE BRAVE LIEUTENANT
TO POSE WITH THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA,
WHICH THEY HAD
STOLEN THEMSELVES,
BUT PUTTING
THE BLAME ON YOU
AND THEREBY MAKING
THE GENERAL ASSUME
THAT YOU HAD DESERTED
WITH THE PAINTING.
BUT WHY WOULD
THE RESISTANCE,
WHO YOU DO NOT KNOW,
MAKE SUCH AN ELABORATE PLOT?
YES!
NOW YOU HAVE WORKED
YOURSELF IN A CORNER.
SO THAT THEY COULD HAVE
YOU BOTH FLOWN TO ENGLAND
TO REVEAL THE GERMAN
DEFENSE PLANS
TO COMBAT
THE BRITISH INVASION,
WHICH COULD BE IMMINENT.
THAT IS A REMARKABLE
HYPOTHESIS, MADAME EDITH.
OH, THANK YOU,
I READ A LOT
OF EDGAR ALLEN POE.
I AM WELL ACQUAINTED
WITH COMPLEX PLOTS,
AND A TRAGIC LIFE.
WHEN DO YOU DO
ALL THIS READING?
WAITING FOR YOU
TO COME TO BED.
HOW DO WE CONVINCE
THE GENERAL OF THIS STORY?
WHAT IF HE FOUND YOU
BOUND AND BLINDFOLD,
HIDING IN THE OLD WINDMILL
NORTH OF THE TOWN?
THAT WOULD BE
A LUCKY CHANCE.
ABOUT ONE
IN A MILLION.
NOT IF THEY WERE
ABLE TO WRITE A NOTE,
AND SMUGGLE IT OUT
IN A BOTTLE,
GIVING CLUES AS TO
THEIR WHEREABOUTS.
WHAT SORT OF CLUES?
THE SORT OF CLUES THAT
AN INTELLIGENT MAN
LIKE THE GENERAL WOULD
FIND EASY TO SOLVE.
JUST A MINUTE, WHAT IF
NOBODY FOUND THE BOTTLE?
YOU WILL FIND IT,
ON A MORNING STROLL
BY THE CANAL.
OH, YES,
I CAN SEE IT NOW.
"HELLO, GENERAL,
I WAS JUST STROLLING
BY THE CANAL
AND I COULD NOT
RESIST JUMPING IN
TO PICK OUT AN OLD BOTTLE,
JUST IN CASE THERE WAS
A MESSAGE IN IT FOR YOU.
AND THERE WAS,
AND HERE IT IS."
NO, THAT WOULD NOT
BE BELIEVABLE.
WHAT WOULD EDGAR ALLEN POE
HAVE DONE?
SOMETHING UNEXPECTED.
LET ME THINK--
YES!
HE WOULD HAVE FLUSHED
THE LAVATORY,
AND UP IT WOULD
HAVE POPPED.
WELL, THAT WOULD
HAVE BEEN UNEXPECTED.
I HESITATE TO ASK,
BUT WHERE DID IT
COME FROM?
THE LIEUTENANT,
HAVING MANAGED
TO WRITE A NOTE,
DROPPED THE BOTTLE DOWN
A DRAIN IN THE MILL.
IT HAS RAINED A LOT,
THE DRAINS CANNOT COPE
WITH THE SURGE,
AND FORCED THE BOTTLE
UP OUR OUTLET PIPE.
I CAN SEE
THE CHAPTER HEADING NOW,
"THE MYSTERY OF THE BOTTLE
IN THE BOG."
IT'S SO OUTRAGEOUS,
IT COULD WORK.
WHAT ALTERNATIVE
DO WE HAVE?
WE COULD ALWAYS
SHOOT OURSELVES.
NO, WE WILL
USE THIS PLAN.
MADAME EDITH, PLEASE
GET OUR CLOTHES.
WE WILL GO
TO THE WINDMILL.
HAVE YOU TRANSPORT?
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
IS STILL HERE.
HE CAN GIVE YOU
A LIFT IN HIS HEARSE.
CAN WE TRUST
THE UNDERTAKER?
HE WILL SUSPECT NOTHING.
HE OFTEN GIVES PEOPLE
LIFTS IN HIS HEARSE.
AND THE LAST BUS HAS GONE.
A REMARKABLE WOMAN.
I'VE ALWAYS WONDERED
WHY YOU MARRIED HER.
I SEE NOW IT WAS
FOR HER INTELLECT.
IT WAS A DECIDING FACTOR, YES.
- RENE.
- HMM?
I HAVE, UNDER MY DRESS,
SOMETHING WHICH
I WOULD LIKE TO LEAVE
IN YOUR HANDS.
YOUR THANKS WILL
BE ENOUGH, LIEUTENANT.
IT IS THE PAINTING
OF THE FALLEN MADONNA
WITH THE MISSING BOOBY.
LOOK AFTER IT FOR US.
OF COURSE.
MAY I INQUIRE WHERE THE--
THE OTHER BIT OF IT IS,
PLEASE?
HELGA HAS IT
SO SHE CAN BE CUT IN
WHEN IT'S SOLD.
AH, WOMEN,
HOW WILY THEY CAN BE.
I WILL KEEP IT SAFE,
YOU HAVE MY WORD.
I WOULD BE
DELIGHTED
TO ACCEDE
TO YOUR REQUEST,
BUT IT APPEARS,
THE WINE HAS GONE
TO MY LEGS.
MY BRAIN IS AS
CLEAR AS A BELL--
BUT MY LEGS
ARE ON STRIKE.
OH, PLEASE,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE,
TRY WALKING
UP AND DOWN.
WE WILL HELP YOU.
IT WILL CLEAR
YOU HEAD.
OOOH!
I FEEL NOTHING
BELOW THE WATCH CHAIN.
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE, PLEASE.
- OH, RENE,
- HMM?
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
IS TIDDLY.
HE CANNOT DRIVE
THE HEARSE.
YOU WILL HAVE
TO HELP HIM DRIVE.
I WILL GO AND GET
YOUR TOPPER.
WH-- WHAT EXCUSE DO I HAVE
FOR-- FOR SITTING
ON TOP OF A HEARSE,
IN A TOPPER-- AT MIDNIGHT,
WITH A COUPLE
OF DANCING GIRLS?
LET ME THINK.
WE HAVE OUR UNIFORMS,
WE COULD CHANGE.
IN UNIFORM, WE COULD
BE RECOGNIZED.
WELL, EDGAR?
YOU AND MONSIEUR ALPHONSE
ARE TWO TYPICAL FRENCHMEN,
WHO HAVE ENJOYED
A CONVIVIAL EVENING.
AND NOW YOU HAVE
PICKED UP TWO TARTS
AND ARE TAKING THEM
INTO THE WOODS
FOR A BIT OF HANKY-PANKY.
EDITH, DO NOT BE
RIDICULOUS.
I AM
A RESPECTED MEMBER
OF THIS COMMUNITY.
WHAT WOULD
PEOPLE SAY?
ALL THE OTHER MEN DO IT.
I HAVE OFTEN WONDERED
WHY YOU DO NOT.
THE NEIGHBORS ARE
BEGINNING TO TALK.
EVEN I HAD HEARD
THE RUMORS.
IN THAT CASE,
IT IS TIME THEY
WERE PUT TO REST.
- I DON'T REMEMBER
ORDERING TWO MORE WOMEN.
- YOU DID NOT.
THANK GOODNESS.
NOW PAY ATTENTION,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
YOU AND RENE
ARE PRETENDING
TO GO TO THE WOODS
WITH TWO TARTS THA
YOU HAVE PICKED UP
FOR A LITTLE BIT
OF HANKY-PANKY.
IN MY STATE, IT COULD
ONLY BE PRETENDING.
ALTHOUGH THE BIG ONE
LOOKS GAME FOR ANYTHING.
THEY LOOK
TOO WELL DRESSED
FOR LOCAL TARTS.
WE ARE POOR,
WITH CHEAP CLOTHES,
CHEAP PERFUME,
WHICH IS WHY
WE ARE CHEAP.
YOU ARE RIGHT.
TAKE THEM UPSTAIRS,
AND PUT THEM IN
MORE SUITABLE CLOTHES.
FOLLOW ME.
OH, AND TOUCH UP
THEIR MAKEUP.
THE COLONEL IS LOOKING
VERY RATTLED IN THIS LIGHT.
HE WOULD LOOK VERY RATTLED
IN ANY LIGHT.
YOU HAVE REALLY
GOT THE BIT
BETWEEN THE TEETH,
HAVE YOU NOT, EDITH?
IT IS SO WONDERFUL
TO BE WANTED,
TO BE USEFUL.
I OFTEN THINK
OF GOOD PLOTS,
BUT I AM NEVER
ASKED TO HELP.
I'M ALWAYS BRUSHED ASIDE.
THIS IS MY MOMENT.
IT COULD BE MY LAST.
IT'S ALL CLEAR.
- PSST!
- COME ON!
MY GOD, GRUBER,
WE DO LOOK A SIGHT.
I HOPE RENE'S
NEIGHBORS ARE IN BED,
OR TONGUES WILL WAG.
WE'RE SUPPOSED
TO BE GOOD
FOR HIS REPUTATION
WITH THE GIRLS.
YES, BUT NOT WITH
AN OLD TART LIKE YOU.
HERE,
THIS IS OUR PITCH.
WHAT ARE YOU
DOING HERE?
AND WHO ARE THESE
TWO OLD SCRUBBERS?
DO YOU MIND?
IGNORE THEM.
Tart:
CLEAR OFF.
YOU'LL GIVE
US TARTS A BAD NAME,
LOOKING LIKE THAT.
( gasps )
YOU CLEAR OFF.
YES, MIND YOUR
OWN BUSINESS.
WATCH YOUR LIP, SHORTY.
SHORTY?!
HOW DARE YOU.
WELL, THERE GOES
THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
YOU CERTAINLY WIELD
A MEAN HANDBAG,
GRUBER.
I WAS JUST GETTING
THE HANG OF IT
WHEN THEY RAN AWAY.
NOW HOLD ON TIGHT,
MONSIEUR ALPHONSE.
WE DO NOT WANT YOU
FALLING OFF THE HEARSE.
GIDDY UP.
WHY IS THIS HORSE
NOT MOVING?
SHE ONLY MOVES
TO THE SOUND
OF MY VOICE.
TELL HER TO GO TOWARDS
THE FRONT
OF THE CAFE AND STOP.
LISTEN CAREFULLY,
HORTENSE,
WALK TO THE FRONT
OF THE CAFE,
THEN STOP.
YOUR MASTER
HAS SPOKEN.
( snorts )
( horse whinnies )
INTERESTING
ACTIVITY HERE,
MY FIELD MARSHAL.
HMM,
SO IT SEEMS.
UNLESS I AM MISTAKEN,
WOLFGANG,
THIS ONE
WAS HERE IN 1917.
YES, POOR THING,
SHE STILL HASN'T
HAD ANY LUCK.
ONE WONDERS
HOW MUCH LONGER
SHE'S GOING
TO PERSEVERE.
WE ARE READY FOR YOU.
WELL,
I THINK THAT ANSWERS
YOUR QUESTION.
( Colonel grunts )
HAVE YOU GOT
OUR UNIFORMS?
AND TWO BLINDFOLDS
AND SOME ROPE.
ARE YOU LOOKING
FOR A NAUGHTY SENIOR PERSON?
HAVE YOU MONEY?
WE ARE IN
THE PAYMASTER CORPS.
WE ARE LOADED.
CAN YOU MANAGE THREE
FLIGHTS OF STAIRS?
YES.
UNFORTUNATELY,
NOTHING AFTER.
GOOD NIGHT.
I'LL BE BACK LATER.
PSST, RENE!
I MUST SPEAK
WITH YOU, URGENTLY.
WHAT HAVE YOU
BEEN DOING
DOWN MY BACK
PASSAGE, MICHELLE?
LISTEN VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
TODAY I AM HOLDING
A SPECIAL MEETING,
TO SIGN ON NEW MEMBERS
OF THE RESISTANCE.
IT WILL BE HELD AT
OUR NEW SECRET RENDEZVOUS.
WHERE IS THAT?
IT IS A SECRET.
WHY ARE YOU
TELLING US THIS?
BECAUSE I NEED
A FEW PROVISIONS
FOR OUR INTRODUCTORY
WINE AND CHEESE PARTY.
OOOH, THESE WILL DO
FOR STARTERS.
HAVE YOU ANY CHEESE?
NO!
NEVER MIND.
I WILL GO AND BUY
SOME CAMEMBERT.
MICHELLE HAS
GOT SUCH A NERVE.
ONE OF THESE DAYS,
SOMEONE IS GOING TO TELL HER
WHERE TO GET OFF.
YES, WELL, I NEARLY DID.
BUT IT IS TIME TO GO
AND GIVE THE GENERAL
HIS BOTTLE
WITH THE NOTE IN IT.
I'M STILL WORRIED, EDITH,
THAT HE WILL NOT BELIEVE
THAT I FOUND IT WHEN I PULLED
THE CHAIN IN THE BATHROOM.
PERHAPS IT WOULD BE SAFER
IF SOMEONE ELSE
FOUND THE BOTTLE.
BUT WHO?
GOOD MOANING.
GOOD MOANING.
I WINDER IF BY CHANCE
YOU HAVE IN YOUR CIFFEE
ANYTHING FOR A HADDOCK?
WE HAVE A RATHER NICE
TARTAR SAUCE
YOU COULD PUT ON IT.
WHERE IS
THE HADDOCK?
IN MY HOD.
OH, A HEADACHE!
THAT IS WHAT I SOD.
I'VE GIT A BIT
OF A HONGOVER.
I HIT THE BITTLE A BOT
LAST NIT.
HERE IS
MY SECRET RECIPE--
TRY THAT.
AH, THAT HIT THE SPIT.
I'M VERY GROOTFUL
TO YOU, RONNIE.
UM, PERHAPS YOU
COULD DO ME A FAVOR?
JUST NOOME IT.
COULD YOU GIVE THAT
TO THE GENERAL?
TELL HIM
YOU GOT IT FROM
A PEASANT,
WHO YOU DO NOT KNOW,
WHO FOUND IT WHERE
HE CANNOT REMEMBER.
WHAT IS THIS NIT
IN THE BITTLE?
IT IS A CRYPTIC MESSAGE
FOR GENERAL
VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
WHATEVER YOU SAY,
RONNIE,
IT'S K.O. WITH MOO.
GENERAL VON KLINKERHOFFEN.
ALL STAND!
SIT.
THERE YOU ARE.
DISTRIBUTE THESE POSTERS.
YOU, PEASANT,
PUT THESE UP
IN YOUR WINDOW,
AND PASS THEM ROUND.
YES, GENERAL.
IS IT IMPORTANT?
OF COURSE.
TODAY AT NOON WE ARE
HAVING TARGET PRACTICE.
WE WILL BE BLOWING UP
THE OLD WINDMILL
TO THE NORTH OF THE TOWN.
PEASANTS ARE WARNED
TO STAY CLEAR.
WELL,
GET ON WITH IT.
BEFORE I GOO,
THIS NIT IS FOR YOU.
WHAT IS HE SAYING?
HE SAYS THE NOTE
IN THE BOTTLE IS FOR YOU.
WHILE YOU ROOD IT,
I WILL PISSED UP
THE POSTERS.
HE WAS GIVEN IT
ANONYMOUSLY
FROM AN UNKNOWN
PEASANT.
SILENCE!
READ IT.
GENERAL,
IT IS FROM THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
THEY'VE BEEN CAPTURED
BY THE RESISTANCE,
WHO ARE WAITING
FOR THE R.A.F.
TO TAKE THEM TO LONDON
TO REVEAL OUR PLANS
TO DEFEAT THE INVASION.
THEY ARE BEING HELD
"BLINDFOLDED AND BOUND
IN A PLACE WHERE
THE WIND ALWAYS BLOWS.
THERE IS MUCH
GRINDING OF WHEELS,
AND A WHOOSH WHOOSH
WHOOSH SOUND."
HOW CRYPTIC
AND UNSOLVABLE.
NOTHING
IS UNSOLVABLE.
I KNEW THEY
HADN'T DESERTED.
LET ME SEE.
"A PLACE
WHERE THE WIND
ALWAYS BLOWS."
DON'T TELL ME IT'S
THE BAKED BEAN FACTORY.
PERHAPS WE COULD
ASSIST YOU, GENERAL.
BE QUIET, PEASANT.
A GRINDING OF WHEELS
AND A WHOOSH WHOOSH
WHOOSH SOUND?
I HAVE IT!
OF COURSE, IT'S OBVIOUS.
IT'S THE LAUNDRY.
PRIVATE GEERHART,
YOU'LL ORGANIZE AN IMMEDIATE
SEARCH OF ALL THE LAUNDRIES,
- WHILE WE ARE
BLOWING UP THE WINDMILL.
- YES, GENERAL.
NOW I GO TO
MY COMMAND POST.
SO MUCH FOR YOUR CRYPTIC
MESSAGE, EDITH.
WELL, YOU COULD HAVE
GIVEN HIM AN HELPING HINT--
SUGGESTED THAT
THE GRINDING NOISE
WAS THE GRINDING
OF CORN,
AND POINTED TO THE GRAINS
OF CORN IN THE BOTTLE.
HE WOULD HAVE SPENT THE DAY
SEARCHING CHIROPODISTS.
NO, I WILL GO
TO THE WINDMILL
AND RESCUE THEM.
OH NO, RENE,
YOU CANNOT GO THERE.
YOU WILL BE BLOWN UP.
THIS IS ALL BECAUSE
OF YOUR MEDDLING.
I WILL NOT
MEDDLE ANYMORE.
BUT WHAT WILL YOU SAY
WHEN THEY SEE YOU
NEAR THE WINDMILL?
I AM PLACING POSTERS
TO WARN THE PEASANTS.
WHY DID I NOT
THINK OF THAT?
BECAUSE EDGAR ALLEN POE
DID NOT WRITE IT.
HELGA IS HERE,
HERR FLICK.
SEND HER IN.
THIS WAY.
I HAVE A SURPRISE
FOR YOU.
GOOD HEAVENS,
IT'S THE INVISIBLE MAN.
IT IS I, HERR FLICK.
HERR FLICK, WHAT HAS
HAPPENED TO YOUR FACE?
I HAVE UNDERGONE
PLASTIC SURGERY
TO ALTER MY APPEARANCE.
THE ALLIES WILL BE HERE
ANY DAY NOW,
AND I NEED A NEW IDENTITY
IN ORDER TO ESCAPE
TO ARGENTINA.
SO THAT IS WHY I'VE NOT
SEEN YOU FOR A WHILE.
HERR FLICK, WILL YOU
LOOK MUCH DIFFERENT?
MY PLASTIC SURGEON,
THE EMINENT
PROFESSOR VON BUNGLER,
SAYS I WILL EMERGE
FROM THESE BANDAGES
EVEN MORE HANDSOME
THAN I WAS BEFORE.
IS THAT POSSIBLE?
WELL, THERE WAS ROOM
FOR IMPROVEMENT.
SILENCE,
VON SMALLHAUSEN.
I HAVE USED SOME OF
THE 10 MILLION FRANCS
FROM THE PAY TRUCK ROBBERY
TO FINANCE MY NEW FACE,
BUT THERE IS
STILL PLENTY LEFT.
- OF THE FACE?!
- OF THE 10 MILLION FRANCS.
NO DOUBT
THIS NEWS MAKES ME
EVEN MORE ATTRACTIVE
TO YOU, HELGA.
OH YES, HERR FLICK.
MAY I KISS YOU,
THROUGH THE HOLE
IN YOUR BANDAGES?
OF COURSE.
BE CAREFUL YOU DO NOT
SQUASH MY NEW NOSE.
I DO NOT WANT
TO ARRIVE IN ARGENTINA
LOOKING LIKE
AN ORANGUTAN.
HOW MUCH LONGER
MUST WE WAIT?
YOU SHOULD HAVE
GIVEN BETTER CLUES.
WE COULD BE HERE
FOREVER.
( door slams )
I HEAR
SOMEONE COMING.
IT MUST BE
THE GENERAL.
HELP HELP,
WE ARE IN HERE.
HUSH, IT IS ME, RENE.
RENE, WHAT ARE
YOU DOING HERE?
WHERE IS
THE GENERAL?
HE IS NOT COMING.
EVEN AS WE SPEAK,
HE IS AT HIS COMMAND POST,
WAITING TO GIVE THE ORDER
FOR TARGET PRACTICE.
BUT WHY RELEASE US?
THIS WINDMILL
IS THE TARGET.
IT IS TO BE BLOWN UP
AT ANY MOMENT.
( Colonel groans )
IT WOULD APPEAR
THIS BRILLIANT PLAN
HAS GONE SLIGHTLY WRONG.
QUICK, GRUBER,
RUN FOR IT.
EXCUSE ME, COLONEL.
COME BACK, COME BACK,
THAT IS MY BIKE.
( bicycle bell rings )
RENE!
AT LAST
I FIND YOU ALONE.
OH, LOUISE,
WHAT A SURPRISE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING
AT THE WINDMILL?
ON TUESDAYS,
IT'S OUR MEETING DAY.
OF COURSE IT IS.
THAT IS WHY I WAS
LOOKING FOR YOU--
TO WARN YOU TO EXPECT
A BIG BANG AT ANY MOMENT.
OH, RENE.
HOLD MY BIKE.
NOT NOW, LOUISE.
THE GERMANS ARE
USING THE WINDMILL
FOR TARGET PRACTICE.
YOU MUST RUN.
QUICK,
BEHIND THE BARN.
( bomb falling )
( explosion )
WE GOT OUT
JUST IN TIME.
WHAT ABOUT RENE?
WE TOOK HIS BICYCLE.
THERE WAS ONLY
ROOM FOR TWO.
- ( bomb falling )
- IT'S THE FORTUNES
OF WAR.
( explosion )
THEY HAVE FLATTENED
THE WINDMILL.
THAT'S A NARROW
ESCAPE.
I MUST GET BACK
AND LET EVERYONE KNOW
THAT I AM SAFE.
AFTER ALL, I AM A HERO
OF THE RESISTANCE.
OF COURSE, I KNOW IT IS NO
THE COMMUNIST RESISTANCE,
BUT THE SAME
SORT OF THING.
WHY LET A HERO
GO BACK AT ALL?
WE NEED ALL
THE HELP WE CAN GET.
GOOD IDEA.
TAKE OFF
YOUR CLOTHES.
PEOPLE WILL BE
LOOKING FOR ME.
THEY WILL FIND ONLY
YOUR SMOLDERING TROUSERS
AND PERSONAL EFFECTS.
THEY WILL THINK YOU DIED
IN THE WINDMILL.
LOUISE, THAT IS
A MADCAP IDEA.
OH, IF YOU INSIST.
I AM IN A FOUL TEMPER.
SOME IDIOT
TOLD THE GERMANS
TO SEARCH THE LAUNDRY
WHILE I WAS HOLDING
A SECRET MEETING THERE.
I WAS LUCKY TO ESCAPE
WITH MY LIFE
AND A BAG
OF UN-IRONED KNICKERS.
THE GERMANS HAVE BEEN
LOOKING FOR THE COLONEL
AND LIEUTENANT GRUBER.
THEY HAVE BEEN
SEARCHING EVERYWHERE.
MY RESISTANCE RECRUITS
HAD TO HIDE
IN THE SPINNING DRYERS.
THEY CAME OUT
ALL WRINKLED.
WHERE IS RENE?
HE HAS GONE
TO PUT POSTERS UP
WARNING PEOPLE
TO STAY CLEAR
OF THE WINDMILL
DURING THE SHELLING.
OH, THAT WAS BRAVE.
I SHALL MENTION THAT
IN MY DISPATCHES.
Yvette:
GOOD.
( sobbing )
POW!
WHAT ARE YOU
TRYING TO SAY?
OH NO!
NO, IT CANNOT BE.
NOT HIS HAT.
NOT HIS BOOT.
NOT BOTH OF THEM?
PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER.
ARE YOU SAYING RENE WAS
BLOWN UP AT THE WINDMILL?
( both wailing )
SILENCE!
WE MUST BE BRAVE.
( wails )
THANK YOU, MIMI,
I NEEDED THAT.
WE MUST THINK
OF MADAME EDITH.
WHO IS TO BREAK
THE NEWS TO HER?
I HAVE JUST HEARD
A RUMOR THAT RONNIE
WAS AT THE WONDMILL
WHEN IT WENT BONG.
IS IT TREE OR NIT?
IT IS TRUE.
HE DIED A HERO.
OH, MADAME EDITH.
LISTEN
VERY CAREFULLY,
I SHALL SAY THIS
ONLY ONCE.
WELL, WHAT IS IT?
IS IT BAD NEWS?
IF SO, I CAN TAKE IT.
I CANNOT SAY IT.
WHAT IS GOING ON?
I AM TROONED
FOR MEEMENTS LIKE THIS.
I WILL BRAKE
THE NOSE TO HER JONTLY.
MADAME EDITH,
RONNIE IS AS DOD
AS A DOODOO.
WHAT?
HE WAS AT THE WONDMILL
WHEN IT WAS BLOWN UP
BY THE NITZIS.
HE DUDE
WITH HIS BOTS ON.
OH NO, RENE!
SHE TOOK IT
ON THE CHOON LIKE A MIN.
THIS IS OUR UNDERGROUND
HEADQUARTERS.
WE HAVE TUNNELS
EVERYWHERE,
LEADING
TO HOLLOW TREES.
WE LIVE LIKE RABBITS.
I CAN BELIEVE IT.
BATHE HIM, SHAVE HIM,
AND TAKE HIM
TO MY BUNKER.
YOUR BUNKER?
OH, RENE,
HOW I LOVE YOU.
YOU WILL BE
A POSTHUMOUS HERO.
YOU NAME WILL BE
ON EVERYBODY'S LIPS,
EXCEPT MINE.
I HARDLY DARE ASK,
BUT WHY WILL IT
NOT BE ON YOURS?
BECAUSE MY LIPS
WILL BE ON YOUR LIPS,
DAY AND NIGHT.
AS YOU SAY, I WILL BE
A POSTHUMOUS HERO.
STILL, IT COULD
BE WORSE.
I SUPPOSE I AM
GOING TO BE BATHED
BY ALL THE GIRLS
AT ONCE.
OF COURSE.
I AM READY.
THIS IS ENOUGH,
I AM NOT STAYING HERE.
Louise: RENE!
( theme music playing )